


Out of the Abyss

by Nightfoot



Series: To Fight Monsters [2]
Category: Tales of Vesperia
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character with depression, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, M/M, Romance, cw: suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-10-17 06:59:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 198,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17555591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightfoot/pseuds/Nightfoot
Summary: In the wake of a devastating injury, Yuri tries to put his life back together. Sequel to To Fight Monsters.





	1. Paralyzed

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a sequel to my previous work, To Fight Monsters. You can probably figure out what's going on if you start here, though it's written with the assumption that you're familiar with how the previous one ended. It picks up only a few days later. I had intended this to be a short follow-up to add some resolution to that one, but it ended up being twice as long!
> 
> Anyway, this story is rated M primarily for some sexual scenes

Yuri Lowell was the strongest, bravest, and coolest man Karol had ever met. The coolest part was that being around him made other people strong and brave, too. Or at least, that's what it felt like to Karol. His lanky frame and loose clothes hid his true strength, and that cocky grin and constant sarcasm concealed a heart of gold. In short, Yuri was everything Karol had ever looked up to.

And now he was in the hospital. Karol hesitated outside the door to Yuri's room, building up the courage to enter. He'd visited once before, when Yuri was still unconscious, and that had been unnerving enough that he put off coming back now that Yuri would be awake. He claimed he was working on guild stuff, but really the thought of seeing Yuri weak and hospitalized terrified him. He'd put it off for an entire week now, and finally his guilt had overpowered his fear.

One week ago today, he'd been woken up by Rita pounding on his door at the Comet and shouting at him and Judith to wake up, wake up, something's happened. They'd both gone to sleep worried sick about where Yuri might be, so Judith had raced to the door. They didn't have to say it, but they were both desperately hoping this was good news that Yuri had been found. Raven had heard the shouting from his room next door and slunk over, doing a poor job of hiding how worried about Yuri he really was. Rita had news about Yuri, all right. He had been found, but he was also in the hospital on death's door.

When Estelle came by later in the day to confirm that Yuri really was alive and expected to remain so, they'd all breathed a sigh of relief. It had been silly to seriously think some pissant like Timothy Carter could take Yuri down after all they'd been through. That is, until they got the news a couple of days later that Carter had done more damage than they thought.

Karol still remembered Flynn's stony face when he broke the news to the group gathered in Estelle's room at the castle. He didn't remember the words nearly as clearly, because his mind had gone blank and barely took in anything but key facts.  _P_ _aralyzed._ From a bit above his waist all the way to his toes. Chances of ever walking again rounded off to zero.

Flynn and Estelle, of course, stayed at Yuri's side as often as they could. Estelle warned them not to feel obligated to visit him just yet, because he was still on a lot of drugs and probably wouldn't remember the visit within a few hours anyway, but the others all managed to do it. Judith had sat with Yuri during a half-hour window of lucidity two days ago and had a lengthy discussion on the pros of fighting with a spear versus a sword (he'd bluntly changed the topic whenever she tried to ask about his injury and she quickly got the hint that he wasn't ready to talk about it yet). Raven had popped in yesterday for a few minutes to check on him, and had a completely gibberish conversation that Yuri couldn't even remember having a few hours later when Flynn came by. Even Rita had taken time off from science to sit by Estelle's side in the hospital room while Yuri slept. The only other friend who hadn't at least said a quick hello was Repede, and that was because the hospital enforced a strict "no dogs allowed" rule.

He had to stop being a coward, but it was so hard when the man he looked to as his inspiration was the one he needed to be brave for. Karol took a deep breath and tightened his grip on the doorknob. Yuri couldn't be strong right now, so he'd be strong for Yuri. He pushed open the door.

Yuri lay in bed with his eyes closed. Karol felt a small pang of relief, because maybe he could pretend that Yuri was just tired and not actually injured. It wasn't a very convincing illusion, though, because Yuri looked atrocious. He was pale as a corpse and short hair made his head look distorted. Karol knew that beneath the blanket and hospital gown, his torso would be riddled with scars from half-healed burns and lacerations, but the worst of his injuries couldn't be seen other than by what he wasn't doing.

"Uh… hi, Yuri." Karol stood next to the bed, searching for something to say. "I… I'm glad you're alive."

Yuri's right hand stuck out from under the white sheet. Karol's stomach twisted when his eyes grazed over the scarred stump of his index finger. He'd already known Yuri's finger had been cut off, but seeing the remaining hand, along with inflamed abrasions around the wrist from struggling against binds, made Karol's chest ache. Half to keep himself from looking and half from concern that Yuri was cold, Karol gently pushed the hand back under the blanket.

Yuri's eyes shot open and that hand grasped Karol's wrist. "Let go of me, you bastard!"

Karol nearly jumped out of his skin. "Yuri! It's just me!" He pulled his wrist out of Yuri's grip, which was startling easy.

Yuri glared at him for a few seconds until the fury died and he was left with confusion. "Karol?" he croaked.

Karol managed a small smile. "Yeah, that's right. It's me. I came to visit you."

Yuri's hand shot out again, grabbing the front of Karol's shirt. "What are you doing here?!"

"Ah! I - I just came to say hi!" Yuri's weakened grip clutched Karol's shirt, and Karol didn't know what to do or if he should pry Yuri off.

"You have to get out of here! He might come back any second." Yuri panted, out of breath, and his arm shook just from the exertion of gripping Karol's shirt.

"Er, who might come back?"

"Carter!" Yuri snapped. "Run, Karol. Leave me and get out of here."

Understanding bloomed, and Karol gently eased Yuri off his shirt. "Yuri, Carter is in jail. You're in the hospital."

"Flynn," Yuri gasped as Karol laid his hand back on the bed. "Where's Flynn?"

"Uh, I think he's at work. Flynn is fine, Yuri. Don't you remember? Flynn carried you out of the catacombs a week ago." Karol suppressed a shudder as he watched him. Yuri was technically awake, but it wasn't his Yuri who stared back.

"Yeah…" Yuri mumbled. "That's right… hospital… sure."

"Yeah, now you remember!" Did this mean Yuri was coming into lucidity?

It didn't matter, because Yuri closed his eyes again. After almost a minute of silence, Karol whispered, "Yuri? Uh… are you still awake?" He wasn't sure what answer he hoped to get, but Yuri didn't reply.

Karol hesitated for another thirty seconds, and then rushed out the door. He was in such a daze, he didn't even see Estelle until he crashed into her halfway down the corridor.

"Oh! Hello, Karol."

Karol quickly embraced her. "H-hey, Estelle."

Estelle's smile dropped and she hugged him back. "This is your first time visiting him, isn't it?"

Karol mutely nodded.

"Is he… really bad today?"

Karol nodded again.

"It varies, Karol. Sometimes he's almost his old self. You just got unlucky."

"I guess… I really miss Yuri."

"I know, but he's going to be ok. We just need to give him time."

"Ok. I trust him. It's just really scary seeing him like this."

"You don't have to come back until he's better. I'll tell him you came to visit and you can come back when he's in his right mind again."

"Yeah… ok." He felt like a terrible friend, but he wasn't sure if he could handle seeing Yuri like that again. "He's asleep now, I think. Don't wake him up."

"I won't."

Estelle, braver than him, continued on to Yuri's room while Karol left the hospital. It had still only been a week, he told himself. Really, they were just lucky to have Yuri alive. Yuri would be back to his old self in no time.

* * *

The doctors called it "paraplegia". Yuri couldn't be assed with medical terminology and stuck with a much simpler description: hell.

There were 32 black specks on the white ceiling of the hospital room. Yuri knew this because for two weeks he'd done nothing but stare at it. Every few hours the nurses carefully rolled him onto his side and he was able to count the floorboards instead (50 rows of narrow wooden slats), and if was on his left side he could make out the sky through the window across the room. Sometimes the sky was blue, sometimes it was stormy grey, and sometimes snow drifted by. If he was really lucky, he might see a bird, which was typically the most excitement he got all day.

Presently, Yuri was on his back and glaring at speck number 24. He was in a bad mood, but the last time he remembered being in a good mood had been about three weeks ago, when he'd been happily walking home and anticipating a fun night with Flynn. Then that pathetic excuse for a detective, Trout, had shown up and pitched the wild idea of luring Carter out using Yuri as bait and everything just went downhill. He'd spent two awful days gagged and bound in the catacombs below the castle, which culminated in a knife to his back that nearly killed him. He should probably be grateful just to be alive, but it was hard to feel thankful for his condition when it left him lying uselessly in bed with no hint of sensation from the bottom of his rib cage down.

What time was it, anyway? He craned his neck to look out the window, which gave him a great view of fuck-all. Today the sky was stormy and grey, but the dim light meant the sun was going down. Of course, this close to the winter solstice, the sun went down pretty early.

The door to his hospital room opened and a nurse entered. Yuri couldn't help feeling disappointed, because he'd been hoping it would be Estelle or Judy or literally anyone else but an endless barrage of yellow-dressed nurses. It wasn't that he had anything but respect for the people who dedicated their lives to caring for others, he just would appreciate them more if they weren't constantly poking and prodding him. The only time Yuri ever wanted to hear the word 'insert' used to describe something being done to him was if the person doing the inserting was Flynn the thing being inserted was his dick. Catheters Yuri could happily do without.

"Good evening, Yuri." This one was Cecilia, Yuri thought. He'd seen so many nurses in the past two weeks it was hard to remember them all, but Cecilia was usually pretty good. She didn't talk down to him, which was more than could be said for most of the others. "How are you feeling today?"

He smirked. "If I was feeling properly I wouldn't be here."

"Still nothing from your legs, then?"

"Nope."

"Well… don't give up hope yet. It's only been two weeks. Some sensation may still come back up to a year or two later."

"Yeah, that's right." Cecilia had told him that the day they met, and Yuri refused to let it out of his mind. The doctor kept telling him it was hopeless and that he was more likely to see snow in Mantaic than to walk again, but Yuri had never been one to respect authority and he wasn't going to start now. He couldn't wait to see the look on that doctor's face when he walked out of the hospital.

"Are you hungry?"

Yuri looked to the long tube and funnel in her hands and suppressed a groan. "I guess so." This was a prime example of insertions he would gladly put behind him. He wasn't allowed to sit up because there was a brace on his back to keep his spine straight and they were feeding him liquids until he got his strength back anyway. To get around the problem of trying to eat while flat on his back, they just shoved a rubber tube down his throat.

"Open up."

Yuri opened his mouth and closed his eyes. Rubber hit the back of his throat and he swallowed, suppressing a gag at the taste. After two weeks of this, he knew the routine, but that didn't mean he liked it. While Cecilia poured some brownish mixture Yuri didn't bother identifying down his throat, he daydreamed about all the meals he would rather be having. He pictured himself in the kitchen at the Comet, bustling around, chopping vegetables, flipping omelettes. There wasn't a thing he couldn't make if he had the right ingredients, and then he'd serve it up to all his friends. They'd all sit around a table, laughing and talking, and when they finished Yuri would jump to his feet and carry all the dishes to the sink to wash.

"All done."

Back in reality, he was still stuck lying in bed. Being able to wiggle his toes, much less walk around and cook in a proper kitchen, was still a distant dream. Cecilia pulled the tube from his throat and set it on the bedside table. "Tasty?"

"Mmm, rubber."

"Your favourite."

"You know it. When can I have real food?"

She smiled sympathetically. "We'll probably take the brace off in two more weeks. You'll be able to sit up properly then."

Two whole weeks. Well, he'd managed two so far, although he'd spent most of the first unconscious or in a drug-addled daze. He just hoped he didn't die of boredom before he got to eat meat again.

Cecilia pulled his blanket aside and pushed his gown up to his waist. Yuri had never been shy or particularly shameful about nudity, but there was just something that bothered him about how blase all the nurses were when it came to handling his privates, like his body was just some public property they dealt with during their job. The fact that he could only tell she was touching him by sight and that as far as he could feel it might as well be someone else's thigh certainly didn't help with the feeling that his body wasn't entirely his anymore.

To ignore these feelings, he put his head back and did his best to ignore what she was doing. Liquid went in via tube and came out through another, and it was actually a small benefit that he couldn't feel anything down there. 

"So, did any of your friends come visit today?" Cecilia wrote a note on her clipboard. Yuri didn't know exactly what she was recording, but it had something to do with his piss and he had long ago decided he didn't care about the answer.

"Nah. Estelle was here yesterday. Can't expect them to sit in my room every single day." Judith had been in the day before that, and Raven before that.

The only ones he hadn't seen were Karol and Rita. Well, that wasn't entirely true. He had hazy memories of them standing over his bed at some point during the first week and a half when he'd been so high on painkillers and sedatives it was all he could do to stay somewhere near conscious. Estelle said they'd both been shaken by seeing him in that state and hadn't wanted to come back until he was himself again. Yuri could understand that, to a point. Karol really looked up to him, so seeing him frail and woozy in the hospital must have really rattled him. Still, Yuri had been perfectly coherent for five days now and they still hadn't shown up to visit.

"The commandant will probably be by soon, though, right?"

"Yeah, probably." Flynn showed up at 6:10 every day without fail, and spent fifty minutes with him until visiting hours ended at seven.

"It's so sweet of him to visit so often. You know he was here every day even when you were unconscious?"

"Yeah, I know." He actually wished Flynn would stop coming so often. Yuri felt shitty enough without the added guilt of worrying he was keeping Flynn away from his work.

"I know some of the older doctors and nurses here don't approve, but don't listen to them. I'm going to shift you onto your side now."

"Alright. And yeah, I don't make a habit of listening to doctors." Yuri was aware that Flynn had given an interview after he'd been kidnapped, but so far nobody had shown him a copy of the actual article Angie Klapp produced. This probably meant it was horrendously sappy and guaranteed to annoy him. He wouldn't mind so many people knowing about his and Flynn's relationship if they didn't have to be so nosy about it. People he'd never met felt comfortable talking to him about his love life, and it was getting on his nerves. His relationship with Flynn and his medical issues accounted for approximately ninety percent of all conversations with nurses.

Cecilia carefully rolled him into his side. It was important that he not spend more than a few hours lying in one position, which he knew because every doctor and every nurse for the first few days after he'd been coherent had pounded it into his skull every time they moved him. Dr. Burke had explained it with a lengthy description of something called a pressure ulcer and a textbook regurgitation of how they formed and how long they took to heal. What really stuck with him was Cecilia's story of treating a man in a wheelchair who didn't pay enough attention to shifting his weight so that his entire rear end rotted away, right down to the bone. Yuri still didn't know what a pressure ulcer was or why exactly rolling him onto his side was going to help, but preventing his ass from rotting off seemed like a worthy cause.

"The Knights were doing some training exercises outside Zaphias this morning when they got attacked by monsters."

As soon as Cecilia learned Yuri was interested in fighting, she supplied him with updates on what the Knights were up to and if any mercenary guilds were in the area. Yuri appreciated the effort, although really it just made him grumpy thinking about all those people getting their blood pumping fighting monsters while he was stuck in bed. "Were there any serious casualties?"

"No deaths as far as I know, but a handful of injuries. One man was brought here, actually. He had to have his leg amputated."

"Poor bastard." At least he still had one working leg, Yuri thought bitterly. He didn't have either of them.

"Do you need anything else?"

"I'm thirsty." He hadn't had an actual drink since the time Carter ungagged him long enough to shove a cup of water at his face. That encounter had ended with Yuri's hair getting chopped off, so it was far from a fond memory.

She patted his shoulder. "Sorry. You can't drink if you can't sit up. I can get you more ice chips if you want to wet your mouth."

"Nah, don't bother." Anyone who said sucking on ice chips was as satisfying as a nice glass of water was a fiendish liar who needed a punch to the face. Of course, what he  _really_ wanted was for someone to reach into his back, shove the severed ends of his spinal cord together, and force them to make up their differences and start communicating again. 

"Ok. Someone will be by later when it's bedtime, but give a shout if you need anything before that. Bye."

"Yeah. Bye." He watched her leave, and then he was left alone again. Why did they insist on calling lights-out 'bedtime'? He hadn't left this bed in weeks. His life was nothing but an endless stream of bedtime, and if the doctors had their way it would only be replaced by chair-time. Like hell he was going to push himself around in a wheelchair. He was going to stand up and kick every person who ever told him to just accept what happened learn to adapt.

Until then, he was stuck here. Stuck staring at the walls and ceiling with nothing to distract him but the constant ache in his back that lemon gels could dim but never fully extinguish. Stuck staring at his legs and desperately urging them to  _move, dammit,_  if only a tiny twitch. Stuck with feeding tubes and catheters and sponge baths because he was as helpless as an infant.

Yuri's life had taken a lot of turns over the years. Some had been pretty great, like meeting Estelle and starting a guild with Karol and Judy, while others had been pretty shitty, like when he dropped out of the Knights and was left direction-less and Flynn-less for a few years. Through all the downs, though, none had ever filled him with as much frustration and barely withheld despair as this one. Only the stubborn determination that he was going to walk out of this hospital kept him from sinking into depression and until that happened he was stuck hating everything. He hated the 32 specks on the ceiling, he hated the feeding tube, he hated all the nurses with their cheery smiles and meaningless platitudes, he hated his stupid fucking legs for not listening to him anymore, and above all he hated Timothy Carter with such burning passion it could heat the lower quarter for the rest of the winter.

In general, he hated his current life. There was no possible way he was going to go through the rest of his life like this. He  _had_  to figure out how to walk again. If he let himself believe for just one minute that he really was going to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair, he'd flip a table. Wait, he couldn't even do that because he stuck in bed.

Fuck everything.

* * *

Flynn arrived at the hospital at 6:08 on the dot. This gave him two minutes to stomp snow off his boots, say hello to the receptionist (her name was Sylvie and he'd talked to her quite frequently over the past couple of weeks) and make his way through the halls so he reached Yuri's room at precisely 6:10. He didn't want Yuri to think he'd forgotten about him.

"Hi," he said as he entered and closed the door behind him.

"Yo."

Yuri was awake, which was nice. Sometimes he was asleep when Flynn visited, which was frustrating because they had such limited time to be together and Flynn would rather spend it interacting than watching him sleep. He would never fault Yuri for it, of course. Yuri wouldn't nap during the day unless he needed it, and his body was under a lot of stress trying to heal as best it could.

"How was your day?" Flynn sat in the chair next to Yuri's bed. Yuri was on his side, but luckily he faced the door so Flynn didn't have to move the chair around. He always felt self-conscious standing or walking around Yuri, like he was flaunting the fact that he could still use his legs. It was eternally frustrating that he simply couldn't do anything. He was the commandant, one of the most powerful men in the world. He was smart, he was strong, he had helped take down Alexei and was credited with saving the world. And yet now, when the person he loved needed it the most, he was useless.

"Same as always. Do you think you could get me something to drink?"

Flynn frowned. "You know you're not supposed to drink anything. You'd choke trying to get it down."

"I'll lift my neck and chest enough that I won't."

"You can't lift your chest. That's what the back brace is for. You need to keep your spine straight."

"Please, Flynn, I'm so thirsty."

Flynn hesitated, because it wasn't often he saw such a pleading look in Yuri's eyes. Of course, there was a good chance Yuri was purposefully trying to appeal to Flynn's inability to see him in pain, and he wasn't going to cave to Yuri's manipulation. "I'm sorry, Yuri. If the nurses say you can't, I won't go against their orders."

Yuri groaned in frustration. "What good are you, then?"

"Sorry." Yuri sulked and Flynn's eyes flicked over his body. It was still so weird to think he was paralyzed. Yuri's lower body looked fine; it seemed like he should be able to move it. "Have you noticed any sensation returning at all?"

Yuri's sulk turned into a scowl. "Nope."

"If your eyes were closed and I touched your foot, would you notice?"

Yuri shrugged one shoulder. "Dunno. Probably not."

"Here, let me try. Close your eyes."

"It's not going to work." He still closed his eyes.

Flynn walked to the foot of the bed and carefully pulled Yuri's blanket up to his knees. Was there really a point in being gentle if Yuri couldn't feel the blanket? For that matter, was there a point to the blanket if Yuri couldn't feel cold? As silent as he could so as not to give Yuri any auditory hints, he grabbed Yuri's foot and squeezed. He looked to Yuri's face, waiting expectantly for any kind of reaction. Even if Yuri couldn't feel gentle tapping or interpret exact movements, surely he could tell when someone was grabbing him. Not being able to feel the texture of Flynn's hand pressing into his sock didn't mean he couldn't tell roughly that something was happening to his legs, and if he had that amount of sensation it meant there was something there to work with and maybe grow into proper feeling again.

"So are you going to do anything or what?"

Flynn's hope died. So much for that theory. "I… well, I already was."

Yuri opened his eyes and saw Flynn gripping his foot. "Oh."

Flynn fell back into his chair. "I'm so sorry, Yuri."

"What are you apologizing for?"

"I should have gotten there sooner. I should have caught Carter before he had a chance to do this to you."

Yuri rolled his eyes. "It's not your fault. Carter's the only one to blame, and Trout for being a jackass, and myself for being an idiot. I don't blame you at all."

Hearing that Yuri didn't blame him made Flynn feel better, but he still carried a small amount of guilt. "I'm going to make sure Carter gets the death sentence."

"I'll be glad to see him hang," Yuri said with an uncharacteristic venom. "Don't you dare let him go to the noose before they let me out of bed. I want to be there."

Flynn nodded tersely. After all Yuri had been through, he deserved at least that. "I'll do that. His execution won't be for quite a while. I still need to interrogate him and his trial isn't for at least a month." In any case, the trial couldn't take place before Yuri was mobile, because he was an important witness and they needed him to be able to testify. He hadn't told Yuri that yet, because Yuri had enough on his plate without worrying about what to say or how to present himself before the court in a wheelchair.

"Haven't you interrogated him yet? It's been a couple of weeks."

Flynn frowned. "Leblanc's been talking to him, but he refuses to take responsibility for any of the murders. I don't think he's keen on me having him executed according to the law."

"That bastard," Yuri seethed, muscles tensing. Only the muscles in his upper-body, of course.

Flynn tried to divert the topic, because Yuri was supposed to be resting and getting fired up wasn't good for relaxation. "Don't worry. We'll get him."

"What about Zagi? Is he dead yet?"

"No. It's kind of a messy topic, actually. He's throwing a fit because you were supposed to fight him and I'm not sure what exactly to do. It is true that we made a deal with him, and his advice did help in identifying Carter."

"He's a murderer."

"But that doesn't mean we can kill him just because we want to. That's what makes us different from him." For now Zagi was still in the castle dungeons, until Flynn figured out if it was morally and legally acceptable to put him to death after making a deal with him and backing out on it.

"But-"

"Don't worry about it." He laid his hand on Yuri's shoulder. "All I want you to worry about for now is healing."

"Well, that's not going to happen, is it?" he snapped, glaring at Flynn with a sudden fire. "Isn't that what all the doctors say?"

Every now and then, Yuri blurted out some bitter comment revealing that some part of him at least realized how permanent his injury really was. Usually he insisted he was going to walk again, but Flynn wondered how much longer that hope would last as he continued to receive zero signals from his legs. "I just meant that I want to see you out of the hospital."

The fire fizzled out as suddenly as it had come. "Yeah. Right. Hey, can you do me a favour?"

"Of course." Anything. He would actually love to do a favour for Yuri because he'd feel less helpless.

"Tell the docs to stop giving me so many drugs. They keep putting me to sleep and then I have these really fucked up dreams."

Flynn bobbed his head. "All right, I'll tell them. What kind of dreams?" He wasn't sure if fucked up meant terrifying nightmares or getting chased by a meatball.

"Stupid stuff. It's not important. I just don't want to spend so much time sleeping."

There was obviously something Yuri wasn't telling him and Flynn had a feeling Yuri's dreams weren't on the meatball side of the fucked up scale. However, he knew Yuri well enough to know better than to press the issue. "You know, if the doctors think you should sleep a lot…"

Yuri just glared at him, and Flynn sighed. Yuri was stubborn and non-compliant when he was healthy and happy, and putting him in pain and emotional stress hadn't done anything to make him more open to taking doctors' advice.

"Hey, do you know anything about the other patients here?"

Flynn frowned. "No more than you do. Why?"

Yuri looked to the door. "There's this weird guy I've seen. The other day when my door was open, I spotted him just sitting in the hall, staring at me. It was kind of creepy."

"He was a patient, and not a visitor or a nurse?"

Yuri nodded. "Yeah, he was in a wheelchair and his arm was in a sling. Just kinda silently staring at me."

Flynn instinctively glanced to the closed door. "Do you think he means you any harm?"

"I dunno. I mean, how much harm could a guy in a wheelchair with a busted arm be?"

Yuri and Flynn stared at each for a few seconds. Yuri realized what he'd said as soon as the words left his mouth, because as non-threatening as the man might be, he was still in a wheelchair and thus a step up from Yuri's condition.

"He's probably not dangerous," Flynn said. "He's likely just as bored as you are. The nurses wouldn't let him roam freely if he was a threat."

"Yeah, probably. I don't know, Flynn, I just…" he scowled. "I don't feel safe like this."

Flynn rested his hand on Yuri's shoulder. "You're perfectly safe. There are no monsters in the hospital." He couldn't even imagine how vulnerable he'd feel if he was paralyzed. Someone who lived their life by the sword would take a lot of adjusting to not being able to jump up and fight off attackers at a moment's notice.

Yuri just kept scowling, until he moved on and tried to talk about something else. "So, what did you do at work today?"

"Nothing too exciting. I had some meetings."

"What about?"

Flynn took a moment to deal with the shock of Yuri being interested in the minutiae of a desk job. "Uh… I met with some captains about a territory dispute in the Peyoccia Plains. Why?"

"What, I can't be interested in my significant other's life?"

"You're really bored, aren't you?"

Yuri stared at him for a second, and then rubbed his eyes with a hollow laugh. "Fuck, Flynn. I am  _so_  bored. I never though almost dying would be such a hideously boring experience."

Flynn managed a slight smile, understanding precisely. He felt restless and antsy on his day off if he stayed in bed until nine, and couldn't imagine how bored he'd be if he was bedridden for a single day. "All right, well this morning I had to deal with two nobles arguing over carriage parking. For some reason they felt their dispute over who stole whose parking space was a matter the commandant needed to be part of…"

Yuri listened with interest as Flynn related the ins and outs of his day. It was nice to have Yuri interested in his less-exciting work, but disheartening to know Yuri was so bored and miserable that hearing about Flynn's political meetings was a step up.

As they laughed about a Councilman's ingenious plan to solve the monster problem by putting a pile of food at the bottom of a cliff and waiting for the monsters to fall to their deaths trying t get it, a nurse stepped in.

"Sorry to interrupt, Commandant, but visiting hours are over."

Flynn's laughter died. "Oh, yes. Sorry." There was never enough time. He couldn't skip work to sit with Yuri during the day, so they were left with a meagre fifty minutes at the end of the day before he got kicked out. "I'll be back tomorrow, Yuri."

"Yeah, ok."

Flynn rested his hand on Yuri's shoulder and leaned over to kiss his cheek, and then left the room. There was nothing he could do about the hospital's policy on visiting, but he still felt guilty every time he left Yuri all alone in a silent room.

On his way out of the hospital, Flynn stopped by Dr. Burke's office. The door hung open, so he knocked and leaned on. "Dr. Burke? May I have a word?"

"Oh, good evening, Commandant." He was putting papers away, getting ready to head home for the evening. "Is there something Mr. Lowell needs?"

Flynn still couldn't get used to Yuri being referred to as 'Mr. Lowell'. It always took him a second to realize who they were even referring to. "Yuri wants to ease up on the drugs. He doesn't want to be drowsy so often and he claims they're giving him weird dreams."

Burke sat at his desk and nodded slowly. "Yes, we could do that. His pain levels will increase, of course. Apple gels are good at healing light wounds but they don't do much for nerve pain."

"Perhaps give it a shot and see if he finds it acceptable?"

"Yes, we'll try tomorrow. Actually, commandant, could you sit down for a moment? There's something I've been meaning to ask you."

"Yes, all right." He was suddenly nervous and hoped Burke didn't have bad news. He didn't think he could handle any more bad news related to Yuri. "Is something wrong?"

"It's something I've been wondering about. I was told his injury was caused by a stab wound to the back, but was there any other trauma?"

"Well… the stabbing was the culmination of several days of torture. Is that what you mean?"

"I know about that." Burke brushed his hand, like several days of torture was some minor thing he didn't have time to worry about. "But did his back suffer any other trauma beyond merely getting stabbed? I ask because an injury as complete as his is very rare from a stab wound."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that when people get stabbed in the spine, either they die from blood loss or complications, or they suffer much milder paralysis, typically affecting only part of the body. It's very rare to see a stab wound result in complete paralysis, because you would have to be very skilled and specifically trying to totally bisect the spinal cord. Bone would get in the way, and that's not getting into how unlikely it would be that the knife would  _also_  cause such a large rip in the vertebral disc. However, if he was roughly moved or suffered a fall immediately after, that might explain it."

A memory of pulling Yuri onto his back and carrying him out of the catacombs flashed through Flynn's mind. "I… do you mean something like carrying him?"

"Did you carry him?"

"I pulled him onto my shoulders so I could carry him out to get medical attention."

Burke stared at him with a carefully passive voice. "I see."

Flynn's heart quickened. "Did I do something wrong?"

Burke spoke slowly and carefully. "It is typically not recommended to move someone with a spinal injury."

Horror sank into his stomach. "If I hadn't picked him up, would Yuri be able to walk?"

Burke's hesitation betrayed the answer before he had to speak and a stab of guilt sunk into Flynn's chest. "Most likely. What I believe happened is that the knife cut the side of the spinal cord and damaged the intervertebral disc."

"Which is what?" He was starting to lose his patience with doctors who threw words around that meant nothing to him but were integral to understanding what was happening with Yuri.

Burke drummed his fingers on the desk, obviously annoyed at having to explain such rudimentary subjects to him. "The spine is made up of vertebrae, yes? Little disc bones?" It obviously killed him to have to use the phrase 'little disc bones'.

"Yes, I understand that much."

"Holding all the vertebrae together are thin discs made of cartilage. This is what lets the spine bend. Now, when Mr. Lowell was stabbed, the knife damaged one of these discs. When you picked him up and swung him onto your shoulders, that put strain on the disc and since it was already damaged, the rip grew and completely broke, causing the spine to dislocate. The dislocation caused the unstable vertebrae to compress the spinal cord, severing it the rest of the way."

Flynn felt sick. "So if I hadn't picked him up, Yuri would still be able to walk."

"Most likely. He'd still have some mobility and sensation issues from the partial transection, but he'd probably manage walking with a cane."

Flynn stared at his knees.  _It was my fault_. He'd felt guilty about failing Yuri all along, but learning his guilt was totally justified made him feel as incapable of standing as Yuri was. He hadn't had a choice, had he? Yuri was bleeding to death. But would it really have been that much harder to run upstairs and get Estelle to come down and treat him where he lay? Then they could move him onto a board and carry him out with aggravating his spine. No, there hadn't been time for that. Had there? Now he really wasn't sure.

"Anyway, there's another thing I meant to ask you," Burke said, already moving on from this topic. How dare he not be devastated by this news, too!

"What?" Flynn asked dully, only partially paying attention.

"From what I understand, Mr. Lowell is a resident of the lower quarter and currently works with a guild that hasn't run missions in a while. I bring this up because this is the best hospital in the city but also the most expensive, and we don't operate on charity."

Flynn suppressed a flash of rage. He had just found out he was almost entirely to blame for Yuri's disability, and now the doctor wanted to talk about finances? "I'm paying for everything." Yuri would insist on paying, of course, but Flynn had an idea of how high medical bills could run from a hospital like this, it wasn't the kind of money Yuri would ever see in his life. Even if they let him pay in small instalments, he could very well be in debt for the rest of his life. It was Flynn's responsibility to pay for this, because none of it would have happened if it weren't for him.

"How fortunate he is to have wealthy friends. Very well, I'll inform Sylvie who to fill out the bill for when it's time for him to leave the hospital."

"Thank you," Flynn said distantly.

On his way home, thoughts stormed through Flynn's mind. When Yuri had been stabbed, all Flynn had thought about was stopping the bleeding. It hadn't even occurred to him that his spine itself might be damaged. Of course he hadn't - he'd been panicked and bleeding himself and far from thinking straight. If he'd kept himself together better, though…

It was too late. What was done was done. Yuri had as many chances of walking across the room as he did walking on the moon and there was no point dwelling on what he should have done. What bothered him the most was whether he should tell Yuri. Did Yuri have a right to know that it was Flynn's fault he was crippled? What good would that do? It seemed morally wrong to keep this from him, but Flynn was so terrified of how Yuri might react.

One thing was certain: this was the kind of knowledge Yuri didn't need to deal with when he had a million other worries on his mind. Flynn would wait, let him recover, and come to a decision about whether or not to tell him when Yuri was stable, both physically and mentally. Of course, there was no telling how long it might take to reach that point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this probably doesn't matter to most people but I want to take a moment to address medical technology used in this fic, since there's a high amount of medicine going on here. Anyway, if anyone is as particular about historical accuracy as I am, I had to decide what the tech level of non-magical healing would be in Terca Lumireis. The game as a whole is pretty anachronistic so there was no clear real world parallel to make, so I decided I'd go with the late 19th and early 20th century. Other things are knowingly anachronistic because prognosis for Yuri's injury before the 1970s was pretty much 90% fatal within a month and I didn't want Yuri to die.


	2. Hospital Life

Someone shook her shoulder. "Lady Estellise?"

Estelle jolted awake. "Huh? Flynn?" She rubbed her eyes and looked around, finding herself at her desk. She didn't remember falling asleep last night, though clearly she'd passed out while reading.

"Good morning. Are you still tired? Perhaps you should retire to your bed."

She covered her mouth as a yawn overtook her. "What time is it?"

"Nine in the morning. What time did you go to sleep?"

"I'm not sure. I was studying, and I must have passed out."

Flynn glanced over her shoulder, and his face fell when he saw the open book on her desk. It was mostly text, but the diagram in the middle clearly showed a spine. Estelle glanced at it and then hung her head.

"I suppose it must look like I'm desperate." She marked her place with a scrap of paper and closed the book. "The doctor says there's no hope of Yuri's spinal cord healing, but that just seems so impossible to me. I'm the Child of the Full Moon, I can use healing artes even without a blastia, I'm the strongest healer in the world… there must be  _something_ I can do." With Rita's help, they'd scoured the castle library and checked out every book about medicine and healing. Rita didn't know anything about medicine, but she'd pored through the books all day and all night since Yuri's injury and now she knew as much as Estelle did.

In the end, it didn't matter. Through all their research, the one conclusion that popped up over and over was that a spinal cord injury was "an ailment not to be treated." There were lots of suggestions for how to extend the victim's life as long as possible (she almost cried when one dusty textbook referred to "the patient's wretched existence") but nothing about curing the injury itself.

Flynn gently rubbed her shoulder. "There are some things that even magic can't fix."

"But it should be able to fix anything, shouldn't it? Look." She pulled the book forward again and flipped to a dog-eared page. She pointed at a drawing of a long band of tissue, along with a cross-section with labels pointing out different sections and functions. "This is all the spinal cord is. I can make skin knit together and bone regenerate; why can't I make this tissue heal?"

"Well… I'm no doctor, but I knew how to heal before we lost blastia and I know healing artes work by guiding and accelerating the body's natural process. If something won't ever heal on its own, there isn't much magic can do. You can't accelerate nothing."

Estelle knew this theoretically, but that didn't make her feel less useless. She had always been able to heal anyone and anything, but now her best friend had the worst injury she could imagine and she couldn't do anything. Estelle had always thought of herself as someone who healed, but now she couldn't when it mattered the most. It was like destroying Belius all over again. "Maybe I can find another way."

"Lady Estellise, you mustn't hold yourself accountable for this. If anyone is to blame for Yuri's misfortune…"

His face tightened and he cut himself short. Estelle knew Flynn blamed himself for not finding Yuri sooner, but she wished he didn't. Even if he'd found Yuri the day Carter kidnapped him, Carter still would have stabbed him. "Carter is the one to blame."

Flynn's shoulders slumped. "Yes. Him. Right."

"I didn't have a chance to see Yuri yesterday. How is he doing?"

"Bored, mostly."

Estelle managed a smile. "I can imagine. Yuri isn't the type to take to bed rest with pleasure. Maybe I should bring him something to read."

"Yuri's not much of a reader."

"No, but there's nothing else for him to do while lying in bed. It would at least be a distraction."

"I suppose you can try."

She stood up and ran her hand through her hair. "I need to get dressed and then I'm going to visit Yuri. Do you want to come with me?"

"I'm afraid I can't get away until this evening. I need to interrogate Carter."

"Good luck." Estelle was not a violent person, but she couldn't wait to see Carter get what he deserved.

Estelle dressed quickly, throwing on warm pants under her dress and fur-trimmed boots. The long skirt poked out of her jacket and she tucked her combed hair under a knitted hat before setting out with a bag of books over her shoulder. She'd carefully picked ones Yuri was most likely to enjoy, full of knights and adventures.

The hospital was only a short walk from the castle, so she waved at Sylvie the receptionist on her way in and headed to Yuri's room. She knocked lightly on the door before entering. Yuri lay on his back with his eyes closed, fast asleep.

She set the bag on the ground as she set next to his bed. She had plenty of books; she could wait. She hated to think of how often he must wake up alone in here. Yuri was such a people person; half the time she went to visit him at home she found him curled up in the windowsill, just watching people go about their day. She couldn't imagine how bored he must be trapped in a small room for over two weeks.

Estelle had just started leaning over to pull out a book when Yuri groaned. Was he awake? His eyes were still closed and his brow creased; probably dreaming. She smiled as well as she could, which wasn't much lately. Her whole body just felt heavier when she looked at Yuri, and it made it hard to drag her cheeks up in honest happiness. She hoped he was having a good dream, maybe one where he was his old self again.

Yuri moaned again, frowning. His head fell to the side and his fists clenched. Estelle frowned - this didn't look like a happy dream after all. The crease in his brow deepened, and Estelle couldn't stand to see him suffer through a nightmare. He suffered enough while awake.

"Yuri?" She gently shook his shoulder. "Yuri, wake up. You're dreaming."

His eyes shot open and one hand grabbed Estelle's wrist. "Help me," he blurted, panting for breath.

Even though he'd startled her, Estelle kept her cool. "You were dreaming, Yuri," she murmured, gently pulling his hand from her wrist. It wasn't too difficult, because it was his right hand with the missing finger. He'd lost a lot of grip strength in that hand. "Everything is ok. You're in the hospital, remember?"

The panic in Yuri's eyes faded and he let his arm drop. "Sorry." He turned his head away, embarrassed by his outburst.

"It's fine. Um… were you having a nightmare?"

Yuri was silent for a moment, and then turned his head back to her. "Yeah," he muttered.

"Was it… was it about Carter?"

Yuri scowled. "Sorta."

It was clear she wasn't going to get any more details today. "Well, you're safe now. You're in the hospital and everything is ok."

Yuri snorted and raised his hands. "'Ok.'" He tried to make air quotes, but since he was missing one of the requisite fingers he ended up flipping her off. "I can't feel my ass but at least I'm not actively dying."

"It's true, though. You're healing and you're going to continue getting better."

"Yippee."

He seemed even grumpier than usual today. "Yuri are you feeling ok?"

Yuri just let out a small, hollow laugh. "I feel like my spine is on fire."

"Can I get the doctor for you?"

"No." He shook his head. "I'm the one who told them to lighten up on the drugs. Well, at least they listened." He yawned and squirmed as much as he could, which wasn't much considering movement ended at his chest and he was still strapped to a solid wooden back brace.

Estelle desperately wanted to cast First Aid, because if she couldn't regenerate his spinal cord she should at least be able to take his pain away. His pain was coming from the damaged disc, though, and she didn't know how to heal that. All her life, she'd only ever had to practice healing surface wounds and broken bones. Estelle was an expert on the anatomy of the spine after her weeks of research, so she knew the disc was made of cartilage. The problem was that she'd never tried to heal cartilage before. It was a completely different kind of tissue and it needed a different kind of focus while casting. She was terrified of trying for the first time on Yuri in case she made it worse.

"Maybe you should go back to sleep. I shouldn't have woken you up."

"Nah. I wasn't asleep for long. The nurses woke me up at seven and I didn't go back to sleep until almost nine."

It was only 9:30 now, so at least his nightmare couldn't have lasted very long. "Oh, ok. So, did you have a good morning?"

Yuri frowned again. "Not really. Had another exam."

"Was there any improvement?" She found it encouraging that the doctors continued to examine him for any sign of return of function. It meant they hadn't completely given up hope yet, and neither would she.

"Nope."

Or not. "Well… there's still time. It's only been a couple of weeks."

"Yeah, that's right." He took another deep breath and tried to shift his weight again, like that might help with the fire running through his back. "Damn. Two more weeks of this? I need to get out of here. I'm just lying on my back all day; can't I do that from home?"

Flynn said they were most likely going to end up turning Yuri's room back over to the innkeeper to rent out again, because Flynn trusted the doctors when they said Yuri's chances of walking again were negligible. Yuri wasn't going to be able to get into his old place unless someone carried him, so there was no point holding the room for him. Estelle hadn't completely given up hope yet, but it would definitely be a long time if Yuri ever was strong enough to go up stairs again. Neither of them had discussed living arrangements with Yuri yet, because they didn't want to give him more to worry about than he had to. "You can't go home yet. You need the nurses here to look after you. None of the rest of us are qualified to give you the care you need."

Yuri scowled, obviously not liking being told he needed care and to be looked after. Well, too bad, because he did. Estelle didn't know the full the extent of everything the nurses did for Yuri, but that was even more of a reason she wasn't qualified to do it herself.

"I did bring you something, though." She reached into her bag and pulled out one of the books. "I thought you might be bored so I brought you something to read."

He eyed the book, and then turned his head away. "Thanks for the thought, but I'm not much of a reader."

"I know you never used to read for pleasure, but I figured since there's nothing else you can do, you might want to take it up."

"'Nothing else I can do'? Thanks for rubbing it in."

"I just meant for now," she said quickly. "Obviously once you get out of the hospital you'll be able to do more things, but since you're stuck in bed you could at least try it. I brought books I think you'll like. See, this one is really good."

"Uh-huh. I'm sure it's great for you."

"No, see, it has fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles…"

Yuri scowled. "Great, a list of things I can't do anymore or are never going to happen to me."

Maybe bringing him exciting adventure books had been a bad idea. She'd just wanted to pick something entertaining, but maybe reading about fictional characters having sword fights he couldn't do anymore would just make him more miserable. "W-well, there are others."

"I think I'll just keep staring at the wall."

"Maybe if you'd just try it. A good book is the best way to pass the time if you have to sit around for a while."

"I don't want your damn books," he snapped. He glared at her, and then turned his head away.

She watched him for a few seconds, and then hung her head. He was in one of his moods, and the fiery pain in his back wasn't doing him any favours. She knew the signs when he'd rather be left alone so she said, "I'll just leave them here, then. Just in case…" and quietly left the room.

* * *

Flynn met Leblanc outside the interrogation room. "Have you gotten anything out of him yet?"

Leblanc shook his head. "No, sir. He's still denying any involvement in the murders."

Flynn hadn't wanted to conduct the interrogation himself, because he didn't want to be alone in a room with Carter and he trusted his subordinates to take care of this sort of thing. If Carter was being difficult, though, he'd have to take over. "I'll see what I can do."

"Good luck, sir." Leblanc unlocked the door for him and Flynn entered.

It was a small room in a hallway just off the jail cells. The walls were unadorned and the only furniture was a table and some chairs. Carter sat at one side of the table, his hands in cuffs connected to a ring bolted to the table.

"Good morning, Flynn," Carter said cheerfully as Flynn took a seat across from him. He coughed into his shoulder, unable to pull his hands to his face. "Have a good sleep?"

"Why do you deny your involvement in any of the murders you committed?"

"Not very friendly, I see."

"I know you're responsible for the murders attributed to the so-called 'Heartbreaker'."

"You think you know. By the way, I see your eye has healed nicely. Bet you like it, huh? That scar makes you look so rugged."

Flynn didn't mind the scar that cut through his eyebrow, grazed his eyelid, and ended on his cheek. If he'd turned his head a second later, he would have lost an eye. It seemed ridiculous to complain about a cut on his eye compared to what Yuri had lost. "You murdered eight people. We know you did."

"I won't confess to something I didn't do. You're just trying to pin these on me so that the Council will stop hounding you about not catching the real murderer yet."

"You and I both know that that is false. Stop wasting my time."

"You're unfairly biased against me because I murdered your boyfriend."

Flynn's eyes narrowed. So, Leblanc hadn't told him Yuri was alive, had he? Good. Flynn would enjoy breaking the news himself. "Actually, Yuri is still alive."

Carter hesitated for a moment. "No, he's not. I killed him myself."

"You failed."

"You're lying. Bring him here, then."

"He's in the hospital and cannot visit the castle, but I assure you he is very much alive. I spoke with him just last night." Carter didn't have to know that he'd managed to cripple Yuri. Hitting the spinal cord obviously hadn't been his goal, so he would be just as surprised to learn about Yuri's injury as Flynn was. "He's well on his way to a complete recovery."

Flynn had been right; Carter's surprise was incredibly satisfying. He gaped at Flynn, and it took half a minute to get that arrogant smirk back on his face. He shrugged and held out his hands as well as he could with the cuffs. "Well, it looks like you don't even have a single murder charge against me, then."

"You murdered Victoria Muller, Tomas Platt, Terrance Boas, Abigail Bogs, Tabitha Zimmerman, Michael Hart, Madison Rhodes, and Ernest Carter, in addition to cruelty to an animal, multiple instances of kidnapping, battery, desecration of corpses, breaking and entering, and the attempted murder of Yuri Lowell." Even he didn't know the exact extent of Carter's crimes, because he had yet to get the details of all the cruelty he'd inflicted on Yuri. He only knew what injuries the doctor had pointed out to him, and he didn't think Yuri was emotionally ready to relive the entire experience to tell him everything yet.

Carter snapped his fingers. "Yeah, that one at the end. I did that. I'm hurt that you'd accuse me of cruelty to animals, though. I love animals! I would never hurt a little kitty or doggy. And you accuse me of murdering my own father? How dare you?! I want the bastard who killed my dad to be arrested same as you."

"Do you actually think I'm going to buy that?"

Carter leaned forward with a smile. "You know, that's the beauty of you beloved justice system, Flynn. It doesn't matter if you buy it, as long as the jury does."

"They're not stupid." The jury hadn't been selected yet, but Flynn had confidence that no one could be stupid enough to think Carter was innocent. "How do you explain the blood all over the floor in the catacombs where I found you? Not all of that could have come from Yuri."

Carter shrugged. "I don't know. I certainly didn't put there, and I don't have to prove who did."

"I witnessed you murder Madison Rhodes!"

"You witnessed someone murder her, sure. I heard you were blindfolded during that event." He coughed again, a gross, phlegmy hack. "Man, I could use a smoke. C'mon, do a guy a favour? No laws says you can't give a guy a cigar in prison."

"You realize it's your excessive consumption of cigars that is killing your lungs, don't you?"

"That bridge is crossed and burned."

"You also realize that we have evidence that the Heartbreaker is a smoker. We found ash in Abigail Bogs' hair and I smelled tobacco on your breath when you killed Madison Rhodes."

"I'm the only smoker in Zaphias?"

"How do you explain that the Heartbreaker mysteriously stopped killing people after we took you into custody?"

"Clearly he saw his chance to let me be framed for his crimes and skipped town. I won't try to deny that I kidnapped and tortured your boyfriend, but don't try to pin anything else on me."

Flynn's fist hit the table before he realized he was moving his arm. "I know you're guilty! The abduction of Yuri fits perfectly into the Heartbreaker's escalating actions. I found Tabitha Zimmerman's mitten in the sewer near your hideout in the catacombs."

"Circumstantial."

"Ok, tell me your version of the story. If you aren't the murderer, how did you get involved in all this?"

"Oh, I don't deny the Heartbreaker's actions inspired me. As you know, I was discharged from the Knights a few years ago due to a difference in beliefs."

"You murdered seven civilians in Dahngrest because you were upset that your smoking habits were killing you."

Carter shrugged. "I say tomato, you say mass murder. Besides, those charges were dropped. Anyway, after being discharged I was very upset with you for being such an arrogant prick about how much better than me you were. Then this serial killer showed up and started pointing out to all of Zaphias how incompetent you are. I quite liked the ringer he was running you through, and after passively observing for a while, I decided to take action after I saw that newspaper article about you and your little Union boyfriend. I was so upset that our commandant, who so firmly thinks he's better than me, would sully himself with such an unpatriotic choice of partner. I decided to take it upon myself to teach you a lesson and get rid of Yuri Lowell on my own. I attempted to subdue him in the shower, but that didn't work so I took my chance when I saw him unarmed one night. I abducted him and took him back to the catacombs, which I had access to because my father gave me a copy of the keys years ago." He leaned forward with an eager smile. "Do you want more details? I could tell you all about the things I did to Yuri."

"I'm more interested to know why you just so happened to use ether to subdue him, just like the Heartbreaker used to abduct myself and the others."

"It's very practical. I never thought I was the first to think of it. Anyway, he kept up a tough face at first, but you should have heard him after I cut his finger off. Well, he held it in pretty well initially, but after I heated up the knife and seared the stump closed…" He leered at Flynn, taking obvious satisfaction in the tautness of Flynn's face. "I mean, I could barely hear his flesh sizzle over the screaming."

Flynn stared evenly back.  _Don't react. Don't let him think he's getting to you._  He was getting to Flynn, though. Just being in the same room as Carter put him on edge. He had mostly come to grips with that awful day spent blindfolded in the catacombs and the trauma of being forced to witness Madison Rhodes' murder, but Carter smirking in his face stirred it all up again. He remembered how close he'd come to letting loose and stabbing the bastard when he confronted him, and facing his cocky smirk made part of him wish he'd gone through with it.

He was lying, Flynn told himself. Carter was just trying to rile Flynn up. He'd failed to get Flynn to murder him so now he just wanted to make Flynn miserable. Flynn had seen Yuri get slashed up with a sword and let out no more than a grunt; there was no way he would have screamed like Carter said. Not even if he'd had his finger amputated and cauterized… at least, Flynn didn't want to think he would.

"Yes, well if all you have to say is rambling about how terribly guilty you are, I think we're done."

"Only guilty of the last one, remember." Carter raised his finger. "I don't deny that I tried to murder Yuri Lowell, but I'm just a victim of unfortunate coincidences for all the others."

"Of course you are. If that's the story you're sticking to, we'll have to see if the jury is as gullible as you think they are."

Carter opened his mouth to talk but broke into another coughing fit. Flynn waited patiently, stony faced. If he was hoping to earn some sympathy, he'd lost that chance a long time ago. "Really, I'm the victim here. Just because I tortured one person doesn't mean you can make me out as some kind of serial killer. Frankly, I'm offended. I'm dying, and you think you can treat me this way?"

"Considering you were rather enthusiastic about me killing you a couple of weeks ago, my ability to sympathize is limited." Flynn stood and walked to the door. "You'd better keep all the little details of your asinine story straight when you get to court." He left before he let Carter rattle him anymore. Flynn's confrontation with him in the catacombs was scorched in his memory as the worst night of his life, and Carter laughed about it like it had been a huge joke to him. In fact, it probably was.

"Any luck, sir?" Leblanc asked when Flynn shut the door and turned to him with a scowl.

"No. He's still stubbornly claiming he's innocent of everything except what happened to Yuri. He'd probably deny that, too, if I didn't see him stab Yuri with my own eyes."

"I sure hope scum like him gets what he deserves." Leblanc glared at the door. "I spent a good portion of the past few years chasing Yuri Lowell around. It's still hard to believe those days are really over. The streets are going to feel so oddly quiet from now on."

Flynn wondered if Yuri had any idea just how many people were affected by his injury. Probably not. "You never know. Maybe from now on you'll have to chase after him as he rolls around in a wheelchair."

"It's not the same."

Flynn sighed. "No, it's not."

* * *

For the rest of the day, Yuri felt bad about snapping at Estelle. He knew she was only trying to help, and really, bringing him books to read had been a thoughtful gesture. He just didn't like what it seemed to mean.  _Here, you can't actually go out and have adventures anymore because you're a useless cripple, but maybe you can find some fun in reading about fictional ones from your comfy bed._  Obviously Estelle didn't mean it like that, but when he glanced at the book still waiting for him on the nightstand, that's what it said.

Maybe he was just in a bad mood today because the pain was so much worse. He hadn't realized just how much the drugs were doing to keep it bearable until it was suddenly gone. The nurses mixed liquefied lemon gels into his lunch and dinner, but pain relief from gels only lasted so long. They mostly worked by healing injuries, so there was only so much they could do for pain caused by something not healing. When Yuri arrived at the hospital, he had over a dozen second and third degree cigar burns peppering his body. Maybe memory had dulled their fire, but the flames racing down his spine today still seemed hotter than all of them combined. He almost wished it was his neck he'd broken, so that at least only his head would hurt and his torso would be just as pleasantly numb as his lower body.

His heightened grumpiness could also be attributed to the neurological exam this morning. The doctor came in with pins and a clipboard and spent an hour systematically poking every square inch of his body and asking "Can you feel that? Can you feel this?" The only positive was that since Dr. Burke had done an exam three times now, it meant he wasn't totally ruling out the chance of recovery yet.

This positive was outweighed by the fact that in all three exams, he got the same results. Everything from Yuri's ribcage and up functioned perfectly fine, and everything below that was completely dead. Exams were tedious and he had to suppress the urge to shout "Stop pricking my arms; that's not where the problem is!" The part that really put him in a bad mood was at the end, when the doctor had casually slipped a glove on and said something about checking for voluntary contraction in the anal sphincter. Yuri was actually glad to not have any sensation for that part.

He was just so sick of this. Every day in the hospital was just like the last. There was nothing to do but daydream, but daydreaming inevitably led to thinking about fun things he couldn't do anymore and then he just got angry again.

_I hate my life._

No, no, he didn't really. He hated his  _current_  life, but it wasn't going to stay like this. He was definitely going to get feeling back in his legs any day now.

The door swung open and someone came in. Yuri lay on his side facing the window, so it might be an axe murderer for all he knew.

"Good evening, Yuri, dear! How are you feeling today?"

Yuri suppressed a groan. Unfortunately, it wasn't an axe murderer but a nurse named Harriet-Dear. Well, that was what Yuri called her at least. She tried hard to be one of the 'good ones' like Cecilia but failed miserably at not pissing him off every time she spoke. The fact that whenever she spoke to him she adopted a tone of voice typically used for children and small animals probably had something to do with it. "Just peachy."

"Did you have a nice dinner, dear?"

That had been over an hour ago. "Yeah, rubber tube, my favourite."

Harriet-Dear giggled. "Oh, you, such a kidder. I'm going to give you a bath and get you ready for bed, ok?"

"I'm fine, thanks." He'd been lying in bed all day; he'd hardly worked up a sweat.

"Don't be silly, dear."

She slowly rolled him onto his back and Yuri saw she'd brought in a little cart with a bucket of soapy water. Ugh, he didn't want to do this. Every time the nurses did some incredibly basic task for him, like bathing him or taking care of bathroom issues, his remaining self-esteem dwindled.

Harriet-Dear hummed a little tune to herself as she folded his blanket up and exposed his legs. Yuri remembered how good he'd felt when he finally beat Flynn in a fight at Aurnion not even a year ago. It had been the first time in his life that he really thought he and Flynn could physically be equals, instead of Yuri always lagging behind. Well, so much for that. Sword talent didn't mean much if you couldn't even piss without medical intervention.

"Hey, you know the guy across the hall?"

"What guy, dear?" Harriet-Dear asked while gently scrubbing his legs. It didn't really matter if she was gentle. She should beat his shins with a crowbar for all Yuri cared.

"He's in a wheelchair, one arm in a sling. Dark hair, kinda quiet?"

"Oh, do you mean Malcolm?"

"Maybe. I just saw him staring at me the other day. Who is he?"

Harriet-Dear paused, dried her hand, and then reached up to ruffle his hair. "Don't you worry about Malcolm, dear."

If she noticed Yuri's death glare, she didn't show any sign.  _If you pet my head one more time, I'll_ … what? Gesture threateningly at her? He had to admit, his payback capabilities were limited.

"Malcolm used to be a knight, but he hurt his head in a mission. Poor thing suffered serious brain injury."

"So… he's not all there?"

"Oh, he's fully aware and coherent! He can't really speak, though. The poor dear can't move half his body; it just breaks my heart."

"Huh. Seems like a common complaint around here."

Harriet-Dear giggled as she finished towelling off his legs and then pulled the gown up to expose his stomach. Yuri could imagine many other situations in life where he'd like to have a women undress him in bed, and none of these situations involved Harriet-Dear.

"Malcolm has a different half paralyzed, silly. His injury affected the left half of his body, and yours affected the bottom half. You should talk to him, though. I'm sure you'll be able to understand each other, considering you both used to be fighters and now will be dependant on others for the rest of your lives."

"Whoa, hold on, who said anything about being dependant for the rest of my life?"

Harriet-Dear just washed his hips and stomach with a little smile. "Well, dear, you need to be realistic about your recovery chances. It will be better for you emotionally if you move out of denial as soon as you can."

"I'm not in denial!" It was hard to articulate his anger when all he could do was raise his head, but he hoped Harriet understood. "And besides, even if - and this is a big if - I don't get walking back, that doesn't mean I'm gonna be dependant on others. I can take care of myself just fine." He couldn't even begin thinking about how he was going to do everything he needed to do from a wheelchair, but he was definitely not going to let Flynn or Estelle or anyone else take care of him for the rest of his life.

Harriet-Dear patted his arm. "That's the spirit, dear." She said it with so much patronization he wondered if that was the residue she'd left on his arm rather than soapy water. "You should feel so lucky, though. You'll have the commandant to take care of you. Oh, he's just so kind. You're a lucky boy, dear!"

Yuri hadn't been called 'boy' in years. He wasn't a child, he was almost twenty-two, and just because he was currently dependant like a small child didn't magically make him  _mentally_  a small child. The number of people who didn't realize this was astounding.

"It's really just so tragic what happened. Young love cut short so soon." She sniffed with a forlorn frown.

She rubbed the warm cloth across his chest and Yuri flinched. She'd rubbed right over the transition zone where there was a thin band of hyper-sensitive skin. "Ow, hey, watch it."

"Whoopsie! I'm sorry, dear, I'll be more gentle."

Wait, no, that wasn't what Yuri wanted. He didn't want her to be gentle with him like a fragile flower. "Anyway, who says it was cut short? It's not like Flynn dumped me." Even though part of Yuri thought Flynn ought to. Being in a relationship with Yuri caused Flynn enough trouble even when he wasn't constantly taking time out of his day to visit the hospital.

"Oh, well, yes, but it won't really be the same anymore, will it, dear? When you live with him, he'll have to be your caregiver."

"I never said I was going to live with him, and again, who says I'm going to need a caregiver?" Cecilia was annoying sometimes, but sometimes Yuri desperately missed her. "Just give me that cloth. I can wash my arms myself." He snatched it out of her hands before she could stop him.

"You need to rest, dear! Let me do my job." Harriet-Dear put her hands on her hips but Yuri just glared defiantly at her while scrubbing the rest of his torso.

"Hmph." Harriet-Dear looked around for something to do now that Yuri had stolen her job from her. She wandered over to the window and said, "Oh, it's a little stuffy in here, don't you think, dear?"

He washed his neck. "Yeah, I guess." He hadn't breathed fresh air since before he was kidnapped.

"This window hasn't been opened in ages. How about a little breeze?"

"Isn't it cold outside?"

"I'll just open it for a little. It's such a lovely day. There's a nice layer of snow over everything and it's so pretty."

 _Yeah, thanks, rub it in that I can't get up and look myself._  "Well the sky is certainly pretty."

Harriet-Dear pulled the window open a few inches, letting cool air wash into the room. Yuri had to admit, it did feel good.

He finished washing and tossed the cloth into the bucket. Water splashed his exposed legs, but that wasn't really a problem for him. "Done. Is there anything else you need to do or can I be left alone now?"

"Let me just get you all ready for bed."

"I'm in bed in a nightgown already; what are you gonna do, read me a bedtime story?"

"I could if you'd like me to, dear. I see Princess Estellise left you some books. If you're having trouble reading them, I could-"

"No."

Harriet-Dear pursed her lips and then straightened his gown. She pulled the blanket down and tucked it in around him. "There, all nice and cozy. Is there anything else I can get you?"

"A glass of water would be nice."

She just smiled. "You know the rules, dear. No water until you can sit up properly." She ruffled his hair one more time and left the room, turning the light off as she went. Yuri added Harriet-Dear to the list of people who were going to need a good kick in the face once he could kick people again, right under Jasper Trout and Angie Klapp. It would feel very satisfying to roll over and turn his back to the door, but he couldn't figure out how to roll over on his own with his back braced and such minimal control over his abs. Instead he closed his eyes and forced himself to go to sleep.

* * *

Yuri woke up and it was freezing. He shivered and looked to the window. Crap, it was still open. What time was it? He was still on his back, too. Either it was barely ten - not likely from how dark and quiet the night was - or Harriet-Dear had forgotten to come in, close the window, and roll him onto his side. Aw, come on, a rotting ass was the last thing he needed now.

He shivered again and tugged his blanket up. His torso and arms were freezing, so he folded his blanket over to get two layers on his upper half. Maybe his legs were cold, but that certainly didn't bother him. "Hello?!" He tried to roll over on his own by rocking back and forth. He had to build up momentum with each rock and them slammed his elbow into the mattress to try to push himself over. Instead, a stab of agony jolted through his spine and he rolled back to his starting point with a gasp. Ok, that wasn't going to work.

"Hey! Hello! Did you guys just forget about me over here?!" Damn, it was cold. If only he could hop out of bed and close the stupid window himself.

A few seconds later the door slowly opened. Yuri expected a nurse, but instead a man in a wheelchair pushed himself into the room. His arm was in a sling, so he could only push with one arm.

"Hey… you're Malcolm, right?"

The man nodded and gave him a disapproving glare, no doubt upset with him for shouting in the middle of the night.

"Sorry if I woke you. Do you think you could do me a favour and close that window?"

Malcolm's disapproval turned on the open window instead, and he rolled across the room. Yuri found himself envying the wheelchair. He hardly wanted to spend the rest of his life in one, but it was certainly a step up from being bedridden. Malcolm tugged the window shut, cutting off the freezing breeze.

"Thanks."

Malcolm rolled up to the side of the bed and nodded.

"So… you were a knight, right?"

He nodded and then gently knocked on the side of his head with his fist. Right, brain injury.

"How long have you been here?"

Malcolm concentrated very hard and then slowly held up three fingers.

"Three… weeks? No, months?"

"Uhn," he grunted with a nod.

"Yeesh. I hope I'm not in here that long."

Malcolm smiled sympathetically and then mimed a yawn.

"Boring? Yeah, you're telling me. Nothing to do but lie here and feel sorry for yourself."

Malcolm pointed at the book on Yuri's nightstand. "Hm?"

Yuri glanced at it dismissively. "Oh, that? My friend brought it, but I'm not much of a reader. You can borrow it if you like." He was sure Estelle wouldn't mind.

Malcolm frowned and shook his head. He looked at his palm to mime reading and then wrinkled his nose and looked away.

"You… can't read? Never learned?"

He just scowled.

"Ah. Not since your brain scrambled, right?"

Another nod.

"Sorry." Yuri still felt pretty miserable, but he had to at least feel grateful that his head was working fine. Sure, Malcolm still had the use of one of his legs, but Yuri was pretty sure he'd trade the potential to walk again for being able to put words together. "Man, this whole situation really blows, huh?"

Malcolm sighed and nodded in commiseration.

Another person stepped into the room through the door Malcolm had left open. Yuri's lip curled in disdain when he saw Harriet-Dear. "Oh, hello, finally decided to do your job?"

"Malcolm, dear, what are you doing out of bed?!" She hurried across the room. "You shouldn't bother poor Yuri; he's still very weak."

"Actually I feel fine." He'd been in intense pain for about fifteen hours now, so it was almost possible to ignore it. Almost.

"Let's get you to bed, Malcolm." She grabbed the handles of his chair and carted him away. He gave Yuri an irritated look, and Yuri returned with one of sympathy. A couple of minutes later, Harriet-Dear returned. "Yuri, dear, you should go back to sleep now. Oh, you need to be turned, don't you?" She covered her mouth and giggled. "Like a hamburger done on one side."

Yes, call him a powerless piece of meat, that was sure to make him feel better. She rolled him onto his side and then stroked his head. "Sh, just go to sleep now. You need lots of rest."

In a way, Harriet-Dear was good for him. She left the room again, and Yuri realized he might hate her more than he hated his own life. Having a scale of things he hated really helped put them in perspective.


	3. Nightmares

To Yuri's relief, Harriet-Dear was off her shift when he was woken up the next morning. The nurse today was an older women with steely hair and an even steelier expression. Yuri couldn't remember her name because she put no effort into introducing herself, so he just called her Grandma Smiley.

"Morning," Yuri drawled, stretching his arms and rubbing his eyes as she bustled into the room. Nurses talked a lot about needing rest and how he should get lots of sleep, but they woke him up every morning at 7:15 without fail. He'd given up telling them to buzz off and let him sleep until at least ten. He'd never been one for sleeping all morning, but it turned out that nearly dying and spending all of your energy putting a dislocated spine back together took a lot of effort and left him exhausted all day.

"Good morning, Mr. Lowell," Smiley said. "Did you have any problems in the night?"

"Yeah, tell Harriet not to leave the window open anymore."

Smiley's expression turned even more grave. "I see. She shall be disciplined. Open your mouth."

Yuri closed his eyes and opened his mouth. Maybe the next time Cecilia was on shift he'd ask her to do the morning routine in a slightly different order. It would at least be marginally more interesting.

"I suppose your friends will be in here again."

"Hng?" What was the point of talking to him if he had a tube down his throat?

"You'd think none of them have ever heard of  _rest_. How do they expect you to get the rest you need if they never stop visiting?"

 _I don't know, maybe ask them or maybe I'm not as delicate as you think. Either way, don't ask me when I'm physically incapable of answering, dumbass._  All he actually said was a garbled grunt.

"I'd expect such poor thinking from the common rabble, but the princess herself is the worst offender. The low-born commandant is the only one who limits his visits to under an hour."

"Hmph!" He furrowed his brow to display how cross her words made him.

She glowered at him. "Oh, hush, don't talk while you're eating." Grandma Smiley sure lived up to her name.

She clearly disliked him, but he wasn't exactly sure what for. To be fair, there were a lot of things about himself that people might dislike. When breakfast was over, Yuri was half-afraid she was going to leave the tube in his throat until she left so she wouldn't have to talk to him. Luckily, even she didn't think she could get away with that without Yuri lodging a complaint.

The routine continued as Smiley wrapped a leather band around his arm and squeezed a pump until it was snug.

"If my friends want to visit, I don't have a problem with that."

"Your friends don't know what's best for your health. Now be quiet." She analyzed a little meter that looked like a clock.

"They-"

"If you get agitated or you distract me, the reading may be wrong and then you'll have to stay in the hospital much longer because we'll think you still have severe hypotension."

Yuri didn't know what hypotension was, but if having it would keep him in this awful bed for just one day more than necessary, he would do whatever it took to prove he didn't have it. He closed his mouth and glared at her while she finished writing something on a clipboard.

"Who left this bag here?" Smiley asked, frowning at the ground.

Yuri couldn't see the ground without sitting up, but he assumed it was the bag of books Estelle had brought. "Estelle, I think."

Smiley glared at him again and pulled up his blanket and gown. "I'm surprised _Lady Estellis_ e would leave such a thing where a nurse might trip. What was the point of bringing you books? Can you even read?"

" _Estelle_  was just trying to help." It was hard to be intimidating to a woman staring dismissively at his penis.

Smiley harrumphed and emptied Yuri's catheter bag into another container for disposal. Yuri crossed his arms and silently watched the ceiling. Having to rely on people he didn't like for things as basic and personal as going to the bathroom frustrated him almost as much as being immobile. Although, perhaps it was better this way. If someone had to deal with his shit, he'd rather it be someone he hoped had an unpleasant day and not someone like Flynn or Estelle.

"I'll just move these books out of the way." She started to grab the one on the nightstand.

"No, leave it."

"It's cluttering my workspace."

Yuri grabbed the book out of her hand. "I said leave it."

"Hmph." She grabbed the bag of books off the floor and moved it around to the other side of the nightstand so it was out of the way. "Is there anything else you require, Mr. Lowell?" Her tone made it very clear that there had better not be because she didn't want to deal with him anymore.

"No, thank you." He hoped his tone was equally clear in getting across that he was thanking her for getting the hell out of his face and that he'd rather be helped by a seasick giraffe than accept care from her.

She left and the door clicked shut. Yuri glowered at the door for a few seconds and then turned his attention to the book in his hand.  _Can you even read?_  Just because he didn't read for pleasure didn't mean he was a moron. He almost wanted to read this book now just to spite her.

Although… he held the book up enough that he could analyze the cover even though lifting his neck a few inches was the limit of his movement. Estelle had promised it would have sword fights and monsters, but it looked like some dumb princess story. He thought about Malcolm, who couldn't read at all. He should be grateful that he still had this ability, because Malcolm had no options for distraction while he was stuck here for three months. Maybe he should at least try it. Actually, he'd like to look through the bag and see what other books Estelle had brought, but Grandma Smiley had moved them out of his reach. Since he was - infuriatingly - still completely immobile, he was left with the book in his hands.

With a sigh, he flipped open the cover and scanned the first page. He wasn't immediately hooked, because it was some drivel about a girl who lived on a farm. But, even if it was dull, it would be better than counting the black specks on the ceiling for the fiftieth time, right?

* * *

Flynn was just about ready to leave the office when a knight showed up and told him there was a "situation". This made Flynn inwardly groan, because "situation" was a horrifically vague word that could mean anything from a looming war to running out of coffee in the break room. Flynn prayed it was the latter, but for someone to come get him when he'd made it clear that leaving by 6:00 was of utmost importance, it was probably closer to the former.

Dreading what he might find, Flynn made his way to the Knights' area of the castle, where the jail cells, barracks, and training grounds were. The knight who'd come to get him led him to a small room, and when Flynn saw who was waiting for him, his dread increased. Lawyers. Just what he needed.

"Good evening, Commandant," a woman with short auburn hair said. She was Georgia Teller, whom Flynn actually liked. This was because she was the prosecutor of Carter's case, and anyone who had spent the past three weeks dedicated to nothing but making sure Carter got punished was all right in his book.

"Is there an emergency? I actually have somewhere to be."

"Yes, I know," she said as he sat next to her across from the man. "I apologize for keeping you from the hospital. Mr. Dunn here is making a fuss."

Flynn eyed Dunn, an older man with a narrow face that reminded Flynn of a rat, but Flynn might be biased because he was Carter's defense attorney. "What is the problem?"

"He wants to let Carter out of prison." Teller glared across the table at Dunn.

"Absolutely not." If a request as blindly stupid as this was going to cut into his precious fifty minutes with Yuri, he was going to be pissed.

"Let me explain." Even Dunn's voice was annoying. "Lord Carter is delicate, and the conditions of prison are not good for his health."

"Delicate." Flynn repeated the word in deadpan, certain he'd misheard. The man who had overpowered Flynn, chained him up in the catacombs, dragged a woman's body down and then stabbed her to death right in front of Flynn was… 'delicate'.

"He is of fragile health. The dungeon is very damp and cold and it is giving him respiratory issues. His coughing is getting worse and he's finding it difficult to breathe."

Yuri had likely found it difficult to breathe when he was bound and gagged. Flynn searched deep inside himself for a damn to give, but found nothing. "Perhaps he should have worried about his health before he took up smoking."

"He is not smoking any longer, which is another problem affecting his health. He has not been supplied with cigars since in incarceration and he is suffering withdrawal. This is cruel and unusual punishment and given his fragile health, my client should be allowed to stay under house arrest until his trial."

Flynn didn't even consider this. "No."

Dunn's eyes narrowed as much as his face. "You're biased in this case. I don't think you should be allowed to make these decisions given your personal involvement with him."

"That's too bad, because he's my prisoner until the court decides what to do with him. He murdered eight people and a cat and nearly killed a ninth, so forgive me for not being overcome with sympathy for his discomfort."

" _Allegedly_  killed eight people and a cat. My client is pleading innocent to all but the attempted murder of Yuri Lowell."

"He's staying where he is."

"And what will you do if he dies in your custody?"

"Release a public health campaign advising against consumption of cigars due to health risks."

Dunn glared at him and Flynn evenly glared back. He resisted the temptation to check the clock. It must be at least 6:05 by now; he was going to be late.

"Hmph." Dunn folded his hands. "I see. Very well, keep him here. His health decline will be on your shoulders." He stood him and briskly left the room.

Flynn relaxed and leaned forward, rubbing his forehead. "I can't believe he seriously expected me to let Carter go."

"I think this was part of his plan." Teller said. "He's now officially established that Carter has a health problem. He's going to try to make Carter look like a poor dying boy at his trial to get sympathy from the jury."

Flynn raised his head. "You're kidding."

"No. Since he's pleading guilty to attempted murder, making him a poor baby is about the only way to lessen his sentence."

"That son of…" Flynn stopped himself before actually swearing in a professional conversation. "How do we counter that?"

"We do have something working in our favour. Yuri is the best witness we have, and it will be easy to make him look sympathetic too. It comes down to whether the jury finds more sympathy for the poor dying smoker or the poor helpless cripple."

Flynn tried to imagine Yuri willingly presenting himself as the tragic cripple. Convincing him he had to make himself look weak and helpless for the good of the trial was going to be a painful discussion. "I'll talk to him about it."

"I'd like to talk to him, too. I still only know Carter's side of the story. If he doesn't feel comfortable talking to me, could you get a full description from him?"

Flynn hesitated, because she had a valid point. She'd met with Yuri weeks ago to get an official statement about what Carter had done, but Yuri had been only marginally coherent at the time, and all he'd been able to say was, "Bastard drugged me. Beat me up a lot then stabbed me." The more they could tell the jury about just how terrible Carter was, the more likely they'd be able to secure a death sentence for only attempted murder even if he managed to wriggle out of the other charges. Yuri was in his right mind now, but Flynn had been putting of asking him for more details about what happened. He didn't want to force Yuri to relive it, even if he knew he needed it.

"I'll see what I can do. Is there anything I can do for you?"

They stood and made their way to the door. "No, unless you suddenly remember more details you think I should know. The problem is… he's right. There isn't a lot of evidence physically tying him to the other murders. We can't prove whose blood was found in the catacombs. He had access to ether, but so do a lot of people and not everyone who purchased ether is a serial killer. Same with the smoking - Gill found evidence that the killer was probably a smoker based on ash, but there are thousands of smokers in this city."

"Who else could it be, though?"

"The problem is that Dunn doesn't have to prove who else it could be. He just has to prove that it  _might not_  be Carter."

Flynn knew this, of course. He knew precisely how the justice system worked, and he believed it to be the best method for dealing with criminals, but that didn't mean it was without flaws.

"I wouldn't worry too much," Teller said, seeing his dower face. "Even if by some chance we can't convict him for all the other murders, with two eyewitnesses - one of whom is the victim - and getting caught at the scene of the crime, there's no way he can possibly avoid conviction for what he did to Yuri."

"That's something at least."

"Have you done anything about Zagi yet?"

"Yes, his trial is next week. I'm not expecting any problems considering His Majesty can testify he was on the ship when he was abducted and he attacked Lady Estellise numerous times."

"Good. I want him out of the castle prison cells because apparently he and Carter are becoming buddies."

Somehow, this didn't surprise Flynn at all. They probably bonded over discussing various methods of trying to kill Yuri. He grimly wondered who had the upper hand, because Zagi had made many more attempts but Carter had come closer to succeeding. "I'll try to split them up soon, then." He glanced at a clock on the wall; it was already 6:10. Shoot, he needed to be in Yuri's room right now. "I need to get going."

Teller looked to the clock. "I understand. I'm sorry Mr. Dunn held you up."

"It's hardly your fault. Feel free to talk to me if you need anything for the trial."

Flynn almost ran to the hospital. As it was, he breathed heavily when he arrived. His face was flushed from the cold and he didn't waste time stomping snow off his boots before rushing across the entry. He noticed Sylvie the receptionist looking worriedly to the clock, obviously wondering why he was so late. By the time he arrived at Yuri's room at 6:20, Flynn felt like the worst boyfriend in the world.

To his relief, Yuri was asleep and didn't notice his tardiness. Flynn fell into the chair and sighed in relief, but relief didn't last long when he saw Yuri's face. His face contorted in a frown and he let out a few grunts. Flynn hesitated, not sure if he should disturb his sleep. Yuri probably needed the rest, but… he was obviously having a nightmare. Flynn couldn't stand sitting here and watching him suffer, so he gently patted Yuri's shoulder.

"Hey, Yuri… I'm here to visit. You should wake up now." He leaned over Yuri with a frown, fury building at how awful Yuri looked. He still couldn't get used to the choppy haircut and thinking that some cocky bastard whining about not having enough cigars had put Yuri in this state pissed him off. When Yuri groaned again and clenched his fists, Flynn shook him more firmly. "Yuri, wake up."

He awoke with a gasp. For a second he didn't remember where he was and his fist flew out. He punched Flynn's cheek, but it didn't really hurt. Lying in bed for three weeks hadn't done good things for Yuri's muscles, and as long as he was steadily recovering from the massive volumes of blood lost, he wouldn't have much strength behind his blows. Flynn caught his wrist and eased his arm back to the mattress. It was Yuri's right hand, the one Flynn hated looking at because of the gruesome scar where his index finger ought to be.

Yuri took a few deep breaths and his eyes cleared. "Flynn. Sorry."

"It's fine. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Yuri… I know you're having nightmares. After what happened to you, I would be surprised if you didn't."

Yuri turned his head away and stared at the wall. "It's not a big deal."

"I had nightmares, too." Yuri didn't answer, so Flynn continued, "After Carter abducted me and murdered Madison Rhodes. And again, after… the night you almost died." Nightmares didn't plague him every night anymore, almost a month later, but he did often wake up with a vague sense of grief and it took some minutes upon waking to remember that Yuri was alive. "Nightmares are your mind's way of processing trauma. What Carter did to you was… inhuman. It would be much more worrying if you brushed it aside and weren't at all affected by that level of trauma."

"I told you, I'm fine," he snapped. If he could roll over, he would have. "I'm not traumatized, I'm just in pain."

"I'm going to tell Dr. Burke to start giving you more pain medication."

"No, I told you I didn't want it."

"You said it was giving you weird dreams, but obviously you're still having nightmares. There's no reason for you to be in pain."

"I can handle it."

"But you don't  _have_  to handle it." Flynn kept his irritation close to his chest. Yuri had always been stubborn, and getting hospitalized just made him more determined than ever to cling to the decisions he  _could_  make. "Why do you always have to make things difficult for yourself?"

"Fine, if it will get you off my back."

He agreed to that way too easily. Yuri probably desperately wanted to request the meds again but was too proud to admit he'd made a huge mistake. Spending the past few days in needless pain was his punishment for being a stubborn idiot. "Good. Now, what about these dreams you're having?"

"I told you; they're just dreams. It's not a big deal."

Nightmares that weren't a big deal didn't end in waking up with a look of pure terror on your face and lashing out at anybody close to you. He'd heard from Estelle and Karol that they'd had to wake Yuri from such dreams as well. "Yuri, let me help you. I love you and we're in a relationship, and that means you don't have to take these burdens on by yourself. Share them with me."

"I'm fine! If I wasn't stuck in this damn bed I'd be storming out of the room now, just so you know."

Flynn just sighed, giving up on it for now. He'd try to catch Yuri in a more agreeable mood tomorrow. He had planned on broaching the subject of a detailed description of Carter's actions, but Yuri had just woken up from reliving it in a dream and Flynn didn't have the heart to ask him to do it again. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Yeah, stop asking me that question. I've got enough nurses tripping over themselves to do things for me."

"Ok. Sorry. I see you're reading the book Lady Estellise brought." It sat on his nightstand next to a cup of ice, with a scrap of paper stuck a quarter way through. "Is it good?"

Yuri shrugged. "It's ok. It rambles on and on sometimes, but the story is interesting enough. I think I'd like an abridged version more."

Flynn smiled and lightly shook his head. "You're so impatient. I'm impressed you're actually reading, though."

"Not like I have anything else to do. So, what did you do today?"

Flynn made himself comfortable and began an explanation of events of his day. Yuri was still bored enough to care about castle politics, which was worrying. The only thing Flynn didn't mention was the debacle with Teller and Dunn, because he didn't want to broach the topic of presenting Yuri as a tragic victim until Yuri was in a much more stable mood.

* * *

Karol tossed the last shovelful of snow into the pile at the end of the road and called the job done. "There. What do you think, Repede? It looks good, right?"

Repede barked. He curled up on the ground against the building, providing moral support. He might be part of the guild, but he lacked the requisite opposable thumbs to hold a shovel. Karol leaned the shovel against the wall and knocked on the door. A minute later, Hanks emerged. "Hi, Mr. Hanks. I just wanted to let you know I finished clearing the road. You can have your shovel back."

Hanks surveyed the clear street and grinned. "You did a nice job. More thorough than Yuri ever does. Did you actually go all the way down to the street?"

Karol smiled proudly. He'd spent hours chipping away at the half-an-inch-thick layer of packed snow covering the street. "I wanted to do a thorough job."

"You sure did. Here, take fifty gald for your trouble."

Hanks reached into his pocket but Karol stepped back and shook his hands. "No, no! I can't take your money. I just wanted to do you a favour."

"You're a guild, aren't you? A guild deserves payment for a job well done. Isn't that how guilds work?"

Karol scuffed his feet on the flagstones. "Well, I guess, but I wasn't doing this as a guild job. I just thought… Yuri always shovels your street for you, and he can't now so… You never pay Yuri for this, so don't pay me either. I'm just filling in for him."

Hanks smiled and pulled his hand out of his pocket. "If you insist. How is Yuri, anyway? We all miss seeing him around."

"He's… ok, I guess." Karol lowered his head and examined the snow still clinging to the cracks between stones. "I haven't really visited him in a while." He really ought to visit, but he kept finding reasons not to. It all came back to being a coward, and he hated himself for it. The first time he'd tried to visit had shaken him so much and he was nervous to see him again until he felt better.

Hanks watched him for a moment, reading Karol's nervousness clearly. "Ah. Well, I'm sure he understands."

"Yeah." He was scared that Yuri hated him now for not visiting in so long, and the fear of being rejected if he did visit just made him put off visiting even more.

"I don't suppose you can tell me more about what exactly happened? All most of us down here know is that Yuri's in the hospital and he was hurt pretty bad. When can we expect to see him around down here again? I miss seeing him sitting in his window in the evenings."

Karol raised his head and gaped. "You mean - you don't know?" Oh no, he was going to have to be the one to break the news? He still could barely wrap his mind around it himself. "Yuri… he hurt his back. His spine is all messed up. He can't walk anymore… ever."

Hanks gripped the door frame for support and took a few moments to compose himself before speaking. "Oh… I had no idea… It's permanent then?"

Karol nodded slowly. "Yeah… at least, that's what the doctor says.

"I see." His voice was stiff. "It's going to be so strange to not see him running around anymore."

"Yeah."

Hanks straightened up and shook the grief off his face. "I'll let the rest of the neighbourhood know what's going on. When you visit, you give him our love. Let him know the whole lower quarter wants to see him well again."

Karol hesitated, not sure if he should be entrusted with this message when he didn't know when he'd get the nerve to visit again. "Yeah, ok."

"Don't you worry about Yuri. I've known that boy since he was knee-high, and he's never been the type to hold a grudge against a friend. I'm sure he'll be happy to see you."

"Ok. Thanks."

Hanks smiled and said goodbye, then went back inside to warm up. Repede got to his feet and they started back toward the Comet.

"What do you think, Repede? Yuri won't be mad at me for not visiting, right?"

Repede growled lightly, and Karol wasn't sure what it meant. He wished Yuri was around to translate. Karol wasn't sure how much Repede understood about Yuri's condition, because he'd tried to explain it but he still never knew just how much Repede was like a normal dog. Repede clearly understood that Yuri was in trouble, though, because he'd been much less vibrant than usual and spent most of his time napping on Yuri's bed rather than roaming the lower quarter.

When he arrived back at his room at the inn, he found Judith sitting on her bed, pulling off her boot and shaking the snow off. "Hi, Judith. Did you just get back?"

"Yes. Yuri was in a foul mood again so I didn't want to overstay my welcome."

"Oh. Yeah, good idea." Unlike him, Judith was a good friend and had gone to visit Yuri numerous times. "Did he say anything in particular, or…?"

She kicked her boots to the side and massaged her cold toes. "Oh, you know how Yuri is. He's so determined not to let us know he's suffering that it ends up spilling through in nasty sarcasm. By the third time he snapped, insulted me, and then a second later apologized, I figured it was time to leave him in peace."

Karol hung up his coat and sat on the bed next to Judith. "I wish he'd stop trying to hide it. Doesn't he know that we know he's in pain? He can be so stubborn."

"It is frustrating." She leaned back against the headboard. "I think he's spent so much of his life being the one to comfort other people that he doesn't really know what to do with himself now that he's the one in need of comfort."

Karol stared at his knees. "I wish I had the guts to pay him a visit. Some friend I am, huh? But… it's like he's not even Yuri now."

"Just give him time. Acting irrational while grieving is common, and the best we can do is be patient and wait for him to recover, physically and emotionally."

He looked to her. "Grieving? But, no one died."

"No, but I would imagine the loss of mobility is almost as significant as the loss of a close friend. It's not someone else's loss of life he's grieving, but his own. I think deep down he knows this is permanent and his life will never be the same, even if he keeps up the bravado about walking again to keep himself sane."

"It's so weird to think Yuri won't be coming on guild missions with us anymore. Brave Vesperia would never have gotten off the ground if he hadn't encouraged me, and now he can't even participate."

"I'm sure Yuri will find something to do. I hardly expect him to sit around at home from now on. Men like Yuri just aren't cut-out to sit still, paralyzed or no. Those chairs have wheels for a reason."

"Yeah, I guess so." Karol wished he could be as optimistic about this as Judith. Nothing ever seemed to phase her.

"I talked to one of the nurses. She said Yuri will get the brace off his back and be able to get out of bed in a few days. I was thinking we should all go to visit him that day to cheer him on. You can visit then, when he's guaranteed to be in a good mood and the rest of us will be there."

Karol nodded. "Yeah, that's a great idea." He just hoped Yuri would forgive him for being such a terrible friend.

* * *

For a long time, Yuri tried to blame his recurring nightmares on all the drugs in his system. It seemed like the rational explanation; he'd never been one to suffer from bad dreams. The last time he remembered being frightened by a nightmare, he'd been young enough that Mrs. Scifo was still alive to hold him until he went back to sleep. Shit went down in life, but by the time he was twelve or so, he'd stopped letting those things intrude on his sleep. The closest he'd come to actual nightmares had been when Estelle was kidnapped and he'd had a few awful dreams about losing her. Those weren't so much frightening as they were deeply depressing, and he didn't count them as proper nightmares. This, though…

He lay on his side, gasping for breath. The urge to jump to his feet and run as far and as fast as he could, in any direction as long as he got away, consumed him. For a second, he forgot. He tried to run and when his legs refused to respond his panic spiked. The closest he could get to movement was wiggling around a little, and when the movement sent a stab of pain through his back, reality settled back over his mind. That's right. Legs didn't work. Paralyzed. Fuck.

Faint city light made the smooth wooden floor glow, but otherwise he could barely see a thing. If the nurses knew how fast his heart was hammering, someone would have rushed in here in a second. Yuri took deep breaths to quell his raging heart and reminded himself that Carter was in jail and he was in the hospital now. He pulled his arm up and rubbed his palm into the side of his face, trying not to dwell on how lopsided that hand felt now.

"What the hell is wrong with me?" he groaned to the empty room. At least, he assumed it was empty. There could very well be a person standing on the other side of the bed and he wouldn't know it. Paranoia gripped him, and he craned his neck as much as he could. Didn't look like there was anybody there. Besides, Carter was behind bars,  _remember_?

He'd hoped that not taking drugs during the day would keep the weird dreams away at night, but apparently that was too much to hope for. Flynn had talked to Dr. Burke the other day and insisted he get a higher dose of pain medication again. It didn't actually make a significant change to how fucked-up his dreams were, but it did make him drowsy and subsequently sleep more often, giving the nightmares more chances to invade. He hated even admitting that he was having them. Yuri Lowell did not wake up in cold sweats because of bad dreams. He was supposed to be the one who could keep his cool in any situation so that even when others couldn't they would have someone to lean on. He was not supposed to let himself get kidnapped, imprisoned, and tortured by some nutball and he was especially not supposed to let such a thing keep him awake at night reliving it.

If he could just… he strained himself for the millionth time…  _move, dammit_! In the cool darkness of night, with his mind already rattled from once again reliving all the emotions he'd gone through in the catacombs, he found himself unable to find the kernel of determination that he was going to walk again. It all just seemed so hopeless. He was right and truly fucked, and barring a miracle there was nothing anyone could do to get him un-fucked. The reality of spending decades of the rest of his life like this weighed him down and he clamped his teeth into his hand to smother the beginning of a sob. He was already getting nightmares; he didn't need to turn into a crybaby about this. Hell knew Flynn had already cried enough for the two of them. So, even though when he looked at the future he saw nothing but emptiness and found himself wondering if everyone might be better off if he'd died like Carter intended, he determinedly kept his eyes dry.

This was Carter's fault, he reminded himself. Carter, and Trout. Those bastards had ruined his life and left him in this awful limbo of still existing but not being properly alive anymore. He stubbornly converted all his grief into fury, because seething hatred was an emotion he was more comfortable dealing with.


	4. The Next Step

Today was the day Yuri had been waiting for since he woke up in the hospital. His entire group of friends (except Repede; Yuri really missed Repede) had gathered in the room because everyone wanted to be there to celebrate this momentous occasion. Even Karol was there, but he wouldn't meet Yuri's eyes. Yuri was admittedly irritated with him for not coming to visit sooner, but he tried not to hold it against him.

"Here I go," Cecilia said, unbuckling the strap around his chest.

At long last, he was getting the brace taken off his back. He lay on his side, naked under his blanket. The brace had been under the gown, so Cecilia had needed to remove it. It didn't matter too much, because a hospital gown was such flimsy clothing he might as well be naked anyway. She pulled the brace away and he felt cool air hit his back for the first time in a month.

Cecilia ran her hand down his back. "Does everything feel ok?"

"Yeah. Well, it kind of aches, but it always does that."

"That's normal." She rolled him onto his back again with a smile and set the wooden brace on the floor by the bed. "Ok, time for what you've been waiting for. You can sit up now."

 _Finally_. It was entirely against human nature to remain on one's back for an entire month. He looked around at his friends, who were all giving him encouraging smiles. Even Rita looked earnestly happy for him. He took a deep breath to savour this moment. He was finally going to do it. He finally got to sit upright. He strained his muscles and… he didn't make it.

His shoulders got a few inches off the mattress and he raised his neck, but he couldn't get his trunk up. He tried again, gritting his teeth and straining against the overwhelming power of gravity.

Flynn looked to Cecilia, face taut with concern. "Is something wrong? Should you put the brace back on?"

Yuri shot Flynn a glare.  _Hell no, I am never putting that back on_.

"No, no," Cecilia said. "Everything is normal. Yuri, remember it isn't just your legs that were affected. You only have control over half of your abdominal muscles, so you're going to have to push them extra hard to get yourself upright."

Estelle clasped her hands. "Come on, Yuri, you can do it!"

"You've just got to push yourself a little harder than usual," Judith said.

Yuri panted for breath (why was he so out of shape? The only exertion he'd had was trying to sit up) and tried again. This time he fisted his hands and, when he got a few inches up and couldn't seem to get his four remaining abs to pull the rest of the way, he slammed his elbows into the mattress to get an extra boost. With that, he pulled himself the rest of the way up and saw the hospital room from a vertical position for the first time.

And then he promptly fell over. Flynn caught him before he toppled off the bed, but not before Estelle and Karol gasped and started to reach forward as well.

"Yuri!" Karol watched him nervously. "Are you ok?"

"Fine," he grumbled pushing away from Flynn. "I just lost my balance, that's all." He sat upright again, his arms hovering in an attempt to balance. Sitting up when he couldn't feel his ass was a surreal experience, like his torso was magically floating in midair.

"You'll probably have trouble balancing for a little while," Cecilia said. "That's perfectly normal. You just need to get used to your new body."

He didn't want to 'get used' to this body, he wanted to fix himself and go back to normal. Just as he thought that, he lost his balance again and fell to the opposite side. This time Raven was the one to catch him.

"Easy, kid."

He pushed himself upright. "So, does this mean I can go home now?"

Yuri didn't like the long silence that followed or the way everyone awkwardly glanced around at each other but not at him. Cecilia was the one to break the bad news with careful professionalism. "You no longer need to stay immobile, but Dr. Burke thinks it would be best for you to remain in the hospital until you're more independent."

Yuri scowled at his knees. He wanted to argue, but knew she was right. He still wobbled around just trying to sit up, and there was the whole catheter business that he definitely didn't want Flynn or anyone else having to help him with. "How much longer?"

"It depends. We'll see how quickly you learn and get stronger and decide together when it will be best for you to leave. For now, we can put you in a wheelchair if you'd like."

Part of him was tempted to deny the chair. He was determined to walk again, and resorting to the chair felt like conceding defeat. The rest of him told that part to shut up, because he needed to take this slow and getting into a chair was the next step after being stuck in bed. "Yeah, ok, bring it on."

"I'll bring it in and you get dressed."

Cecilia left, and Yuri leaned back and planted his hands on the mattress to keep from falling over again. Damn, this was annoying. Rita handed him the hospital gown, and Estelle immediately stepped forward to help him put it on.

"I can dress myself, thanks."

She shrank back. "Sorry…"

At least, Yuri thought he could dress himself. He got his arms and head through the proper holes but he wasn't sure how to pull it under him, since he couldn't move his hips. Then, as he leaned to the side slightly to get his arm through, his balance gave out and he toppled to the side once more.

"Careful." Flynn held him gently and eased him upright.

Who knew siting up could be so challenging? Come on, Yuri, six-month-old babies could manage this.  _Yeah, well six-month-old babies have twice as many abdominal muscles to work with._ Flynn sat on the side of the bed and kept his hand on Yuri's shoulder to help him stay up. Yuri didn't want to admit he needed it, but… yeah, he needed it.

"This is great, Yuri," Karol said. "You're doing really well."

"Karol's right." Estelle nodded eagerly. "A month ago we… we thought you were going to die for sure. You've come such a long way."

And he still had so far to go. His eyes turned to the door, which might as well have been a mile away for all that he could walk to it. He tried to keep his spirits up, but it was hard not to get discouraged. They said his spine was stabilized now, but in the neurological exam he'd had this morning, there hadn't been any improvement in function or sensation. He was beginning to fear that maybe the doctor was right and it really wouldn't ever come back.  _Fuck_ , how was he supposed to live like this?

Cecilia returned, pushing a wooden chair with metal wheels and a padded seat. Loathing filled Yuri just looked at it. He didn't want to sit in that damned chair. He wanted to  _walk_. Instead of letting his anger and fear show, he took a tight breath and then said, "Ok, how do I get in?" He could feel Karol's eyes on him and remembered that Karol had been frightened to visit. He needed to hold himself together for his friends' sakes, because they all looked to him as a pillar of stability. He couldn't let them see how terrified he was that this was really as permanent as everyone kept telling him.

"I'll help you," Cecilia said. "Later on you'll need to learn to do this on your own, but for today I'll help you transfer. First you need to scoot to the edge of the bed."

Easier said than done. He couldn't exactly swing his legs around or even wiggle his hips. The edge of the bed was only a foot away, but he stared at it, deep in thought, trying to figure out how he was going to do this. All of his friends were watching expectantly, so he planted his fists in the mattress and tried to move his body with just his arms. His muscles shook and his face strained with the effort; damn, his arms had gotten so weak during this month in the hospital. He barely made it an inch to the side and his arms ached from the exertion. He glared at his legs because it saved him from having to meet his friends' no-doubt-disappointed eyes.

"Let me help you," Flynn murmured in his ear.

He didn't want to accept help, but… dammit, dammit,  _dammit_. He needed it. He had to be smart and let the others help him so that he could keep working toward getting mobility back. He mutely nodded and wrapped one arm around Flynn's shoulders while Flynn wrapped one around Yuri's waist and the other under his thighs. With a smooth, gentle movement he pulled Yuri the rest of the way and into the waiting chair.

"Thanks," he muttered while Cecilia bent to straighten Yuri's legs into the foot rests.

"Remember, if you want to move your legs, you have to move them with your arms."

"Yeah. Got it." This was too much. He was happy to be out of bed, but being in a wheelchair didn't feel great either. Everyone was staring at him and he just felt pathetic and small. Hatred oozed through him, with himself for letting this happen, with Trout for screwing him over, with Carter for everything else. He had so much anger simmering under the surface and it was all he could do to hold it in around his friends.

Cecilia tried to smile encouragingly. "Why don't you and your friends go for a walk?"

Yuri stared at her deadpan.

She laughed and waved her hand. "Oh, you know what I mean. A roll. It might be a little crowded with the whole group, so maybe you can go with just one or two?"

"Might as well." He looked to Flynn.

"Actually…" Flynn hesitated, and then said, "I want to talk to Lady Estellise about something. Why don't you go with Karol? I'm sure you have guild business to discuss."

Yuri knew an excuse when he saw it, but he wasn't offended. He had a feeling Flynn wasn't so much avoiding him as he was trying to get Karol a chance to talk to him. "Yeah, ok. You up for it, Captain?"

"Er… ok."

Cecilia smiled again and turned Yuri's chair toward the door. "Great. Just go around the halls. I think it's too cold to go outside."

"You boys have fun," Judith said as Yuri put his hands to the wheels and pushed himself forward.

It wasn't too hard. There were handles on the outside of the wheels so he didn't have to put his hands on the tread themselves. He just needed to give himself a solid push and he rolled forward. Karol held the door open for him, and Yuri made it to the hallway without any difficulty. Once there, he had to figure out how to turned around.

Karol saw him considering this and asked, "Er, do you want some help?"

"I think I got it." He pushed on just one rim and the chair veered to the side. "Yeah, see? Let's go."

He glided across the smooth wooden floors. It was exciting to see the world beyond his room. He'd spent a month in this building but hadn't actually seen any of it except his own room until now. He hadn't seen  _anything_  but when he could see from bed until now. It was like emerging into the world after being underwater for a month.

"Hey, Yuri…" Karol spoke softly as they rounded a corner. "I'm, uh… I'm sorry I didn't come to visit until now. It's just… it was really hard for me to see you like that."

A flash of anger almost escaped. Yeah, well it was a whole lot harder for him to  _be_  like that, but he didn't have a choice, did he? He clenched the rims of the chair and contained himself before lashing out at Karol. He wasn't really mad at Karol, he was just so angry at his whole situation and had no one to vent it on. "Don't worry about it."

"So, um… how have you been?" Karl clutched his head and groaned. "Ahhh, I shouldn't have phrased it like that. I'm sorry, Yuri. Obviously you haven't been well."

Yuri was slightly distracted from the conversation because pushing the wheels of the chair and managing to keep himself balanced took a lot of concentration. "Really, don't worry about it. I'm not that fragile. I'm the same guy I always used to be, just… sitting down."

"Yeah, ok. I'll try not to treat you any different, ok?"

"Thanks." He turned his head to Karol to smile and show how much he earnestly would appreciate being treated the same as always, but the movement threw off his balance and he teetered over the arm of the chair. "Oof."

"Are you ok, Yuri!?" Karol grabbed his shoulders and helped him sit up.

"Fine." he brushed his sleeve where dust from the wheel had settled on it. Damn, his arms were already exhausted and they hadn't even reached the end of the hall yet. "Also, I gotta ask what you and Judy and Repede are even still doing in Zaphias."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"You've been in town for almost two months and we haven't had a job since we got here."

"Actually, Flynn gave us some money as compensation for working on the Heartbreaker case."

"Did he?" Ordinarily Yuri would be grumpy about Flynn giving them money, but he supposed taking on the case had been like a guild job, so it was right that Flynn paid them for their work. "That's something at least. But Carter's behind bars now, so you guys need to get back to Dahngrest and start working again."

"Well… we didn't want to leave without you. It didn't seem right, and you couldn't leave the hospital. We were hoping once they let you out of bed you could come back with us, but…"

Yuri scowled. "That's not going to happen any time soon. You guys need to get going before some other guild steals all our clients."

"If you're sure… I feel really bad leaving you behind."

They reached a corner and Yuri took a moment to get the chair to turn while Karol patiently waited. Once he finally got it, he took a few seconds to catch his breath and then pushed onward. His arms burned from the stress, and the fact that he was already exhausted from such little effort just made him more angry. "You're not leaving me behind. I just need some time to catch up."

"Ok. And, Yuri, no matter what happens, you don't have to worry about not being able to work or make money or anything like that, ok? Even if you can't go on all the missions with us, you'll still get the same share of the profits."

"That's not right. If I'm not working as much as you and Judy, I shouldn't be getting as much money."

"That's how it works, Yuri," Karol said stubbornly. "Guilds take care of their own, especially if you get hurt on a job."

"If you insist. I'm going to be doing as much as I can, though." The prospect of running around and fighting with the same ease he used to have seemed unrealistic now. His spine was healed but he still couldn't move his lower body, so it was beginning to sink in that this wasn't something he could brush off. If he really pushed himself, he should be able to manage walking, though… right?

"Hey, I meant to ask Flynn, how's Repede doing?" He missed Repede. The hospital staff wouldn't let him visit because of the risk that other patients might be allergic, and Yuri couldn't remember the last time he'd gone this long without seeing Repede. He didn't think he ever had.

"He misses you. He's staying with Flynn but during the day he comes visiting us sometimes. I don't understand him the way you do, Yuri, but I can tell he's really down."

"Tell him 'hi' for me, ok?" He paused to take a break and rest his arms. They were halfway down the next hallway and he was already worn out. He leaned against the backrest, wondering how long it would take to build up muscles in his arms again.

"Hey, are you ok?"

"I'm just a little tired."

"Do you want me to push you?"

Yuri was about to reject on impulse, but then considered how tired he was after this little bit and how much worse he'd feel by the end of the walk. "Actually… yeah. I think that might be best."

Karol stood behind Yuri, grabbed the handles, and pushed. Keeping balance was much easier when he wasn't throwing his arms around. He'd let Karol push him for now so he could concentrate on learning how to balance without using his abs, but this was going to be a short-term arrangement. He wasn't going to let people push him around for too much longer.

"Oh yeah, and Hanks told me to tell you that everyone in the lower quarter is worried about you and hopes you get better soon."

"That's nice of them. He's probably just hoping I'll come back to shovel his sidewalk again."

"No, I've been doing that for you," Karol said proudly.

"Have you? Hey, thanks."

"Of course. And I'll send you updates from Dahngrest all the time so you'll always know what the guild is doing."

"Thanks. I'd take anything to spice up my life in here. It's more boring than a blastia lecture from Rita."

"Yeah, I can't imagine you of all people sitting still for this long."

Yuri craned his neck to look back at Karol and caught himself on the arm. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I didn't mean anything by it. Just that you're a really active guy, that's all."

"Well, it's time to be active again. No more bed rest for me. I'm going to figure out how to use this chair, then figure out how to walk. You guys take care of things in Dahngrest and when I'm on my feet again, I'll catch up."

Karol nodded eagerly. "Yeah, that's right. I know you can do it!"

With that promising goal in mind, Yuri didn't let himself get discouraged when he nearly fell over again.

* * *

Flynn sat on the edge of Yuri's bed, waiting for him to return from his walk. He had to keep sitting because he wasn't sure he had the strength in his knees to stand up right now. He had known, intellectually, that Yuri was crippled for a month now, but it hadn't exactly seemed real as long as Yuri was confined to bed. It still seemed like something he was healing from. Actually having to help him get into a chair and then watching him wheel himself out of the room brought reality into sharp focus.

From the sombre faces on the rest of Yuri's friends, they felt it too. Raven leaned against the wall, head bowed and arms crossed. "Hard ta see Yuri like that."

"It's his own fault." Rita crossed her arms and spoke in a strained voice. "He's the one who went gallivanting off with Trout without telling anyone where he was going. Always thinks he can take care of things on his own. He's so stupid."

Her words left a prolonged silence, broken only by the smothered gasp that escaped her lips. Estelle's lip quivered, and then she pulled Rita against her chest. Rita didn't even protest, just took deep breaths and let Estelle console her.

Cecilia stood back, trying not to intrude. After a long silence, she said, "If you think it would make him more comfortable, you could bring in his own clothes."

Estelle, still holding Rita against her chest, looked over. "Pardon?"

"Now that he's mobile, he'd probably be much happier in proper clothing rather than a gown. You could bring it in for him."

Judith smiled. "Yes, I think he would greatly appreciate it."

Rita pulled away from Estelle, still scowling. Whether this was lingering frustration with Yuri's condition or embarrassment for clinging to Estelle for so long, Flynn wasn't sure. "We can stop by his place after we leave today."

"Speakin' of his place," Raven said, "have we figured out where he's gonna live after this? Not like he can go up those stairs."

Judith thought for a moment and then offered, "There's an office on the ground floor of our building in Dahngrest. So far we've just used it to store mission reports. We could easily move those somewhere else and convert it into a bedroom."

Flynn nodded. "That should work." There was so much to think about, but it was hard to think through all the changes that needed to be made without letting his mind drift into all the things they would never be able to do together anymore. Thinking about those things made his chest ache, so he preferred to keep his mind rooted in the present and deal with problems as they came. "On a different topic, are any of you planning on doing something for Yuri's birthday?"

His words were met with a long silence as they stared at him. Estelle spoke first, "His birthday is coming up?"

"It's five days from now. Did you not know?"

Rita rolled her eyes. "Like Yuri would ever tell us something like that."

Raven frowned and shook his head. "Aw, that's gotta be a real downer, spendin' your birthday in a hospital."

"We have to do something for him!" Estelle looked around the others expectantly. "We can't let him spend his birthday alone and without any presents!"

Judith pursed her lips in thought. "I feel as though Yuri would be very difficult to shop for."

"He is," Flynn said. He wasn't at all surprised that Yuri had failed to let his friends know his birthday was coming up, since he didn't put much stake into birthdays. They'd never really been able to afford presents for each other, so they got used to birthdays being just an average day. This was the first time Flynn actually had the salary to buy something extravagant for Yuri, but he was at as much of a loss as the others.

Before he could put too much more thought into this, the door opened and Karol pushed Yuri into the room. Flynn's heart sank again, because if Yuri was letting Karol push him, he must be in bad shape. Yuri held the armrests to keep himself upright and met Flynn's eyes, daring him to comment.

Flynn forced a smile. "Welcome back. Did you have a good walk?"

Yuri shrugged, trying to act casual. "Fine. It was nice to see something beyond this room for a change."

Karol pushed Yuri to the side of the bed, and then Cecilia stepped forward to help him back in. Flynn moved out of the way, finding the strength to stand. It hurt so deeply to see wrap his arm's around the nurse's neck and let her lift him out of the chair. This was  _Yuri_ , one of the strongest people Flynn had ever met and now he needed help getting into bed.  _It will get better_ , he told himself.  _He won't be this dependent forever._ It needed to get better soon, because Flynn didn't know how much more of this he could take.

* * *

Yuri had never thought getting to eat real food with a knife and fork would be such a big deal, but after a month of getting fed via tube, it was the greatest thing he'd ever tasted. Cecilia had brought him a tray with little legs to make a table in bed, and then left him and Flynn in peace. The rest of the group had left after a couple of hours, giving him a chance to spend the longest period of time with Flynn since before he was abducted.

"So are you sure it's ok that you missed work this afternoon?" Yuri stopped himself from drooling as he cut into a piece of ham. This was going to taste so much better than rubber. He only fumbled a little bit to hold the knife steady without his index finger.

"It's fine. I got as much done this morning as I could, but it was important to me to be here with you today. I wanted to celebrate getting out of bed with you."

Damn Flynn and his silly romantic gestures. Yuri hardly needed him at his side all the time, although he had to admit it was nice to see him. In lieu of replying with something sentimental, Yuri just smirked. "Really? I thought getting  _into_  bed with me would be the cause for celebration."

Flynn blushed slightly and shifted in his chair. What a square. "You know what I mean."

Yuri stuffed his mouth with ham and before he even finished swallowing he said, "Aren'sh ya gon' eash?"

Flynn's embarrassment flipped to irritation. "Yuri, swallow your food before you talk. That's disgusting."

Yuri swallowed and then rubbed his mouth. "Hey, you can't yell at me; I'm in the hospital."

Flynn stiffened. "I - sorry, I just-"

Yuri took a bit bite of cornbread with a role of his eyes. "Geeze, I'm just pulling your leg."

"Right. Sorry."

"If it makes you feel better, go ahead and pull on my leg. Yank as hard as you want; it won't hurt."

Flynn didn't think that was very funny. To be honest, neither did Yuri but if he didn't put effort into keeping his spirits up he would scream. He concentrated on eating rather than Flynn's pained face. "You know, this food's not bad. I mean, I wouldn't go out of my way to have dinner at the hospital, but it's definitely better than anything you could make."

"I'm glad you enjoy it."

"Maybe my standards are just low because it's been a while since I had a proper meal." He took a deep gulp of milk, savouring the cool liquid in his mouth. This was so much better than ice chips. "It will be nice to cook my own meals again, though." Once he said that, he had to pause to think about how that was going to work. Just how high was the stove? Could he reach it from a chair? It might be hard to reach the sink faucet, too.

Evidently Flynn was thinking of these things too, because he said, "We can deal with that when you're more recovered and out of the hospital."

"Yeah, that's right." Everything hinged on getting out of the hospital. At first he'd put all his hopes on sitting up, but it turned out there wasn't much difference in his abilities now. Walking out of the hospital was the goal he was working toward now. Cooking wasn't going to be a problem because he was going to get back on his feet. They said he had to stay here until he recovered more, and Yuri was determined to make that recovery "walking". He wasn't even that picky about how he walked. In the beginning he'd been determined to get back to normal, but after a month of nothing, he would suffice with shuffling, canes, walkers… anything it took to get upright.

"When is Carter's trial, anyway?" he asked. He was going to have to testify then, and he hoped he got to his feet before it happened. If he was going to have to face Carter again ( _stupid, why do you phrase it like that? It's not like you're scared of that bastard_ ) he would rather it not be from a wheelchair.

"A couple of weeks. Speaking of…" Flynn shifted his weight and fiddled with his hands. "Yuri, I've been meaning to ask you. Can you tell me more details about what exactly happened to you?"

His fork froze mid-stab. "What?"

"We've only ever heard Carter's side of the story. I need you tell me in your own words what happened."

Yuri kept his eyes low. "You already know, don't you? You were there."

"Yes, but before that."

"I'm certain I've had enough medical exams in the past month to list every single tiny thing wrong with me. Go check the chart if you want to know how many times he kicked me."

"It needs to be in your own words. Yuri, I'm sorry, I'm not just asking because I'm curious. The prosecutor of the case needs a formal statement from you and the more detail you can give, the stronger the case will be."

He chewed quickly and carefully kept his eyes away from Flynn. "I have nothing to tell you that you don't already know. It was dark down there. I didn't see anything."

"Yuri…" Flynn's voice softened. Great, now he was trying to be gentle and and consoling. That was sure to help Yuri feel better. "I know this is hard for you. I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important. Even besides the case… I think it would be good for you to talk to someone about this. It doesn't have to be me, but you went through a traumatic experience and there are professionals who can help-"

"Are you suggesting I talk to a shrink?" He snapped his head to Flynn. "No, thanks. Thank you very much for your concern, but I'd rather stab myself in the foot." He just glared at Flynn, daring him to make a comment that stabbing himself in the foot wouldn't actually be all that cumbersome.

The last thing Yuri wanted was for people to treat him like - and even worse, to  _feel_  like - some poor traumatized victim. What happened was indescribably shitty, but he was  _fine_. He was tough, he was in control, and he could deal with this.

Of course, perhaps it was his insistence that he was in control that made him feel so awful. Throughout all his trials leading up to the Adephagos, he'd never felt as frustratingly helpless as he had in the catacombs. Shit had gone down, but he always had the feeling that he was in a position to do something about it. The closest he'd come to being captured was when Barbos threw him in a cell at Ghasfarost, and even then it had lasted about half an hour and he'd been more than free to stage a break out. Scuffles with knights and sitting out short sentences in jail didn't even compare to the level of imprisonment of being bound and gagged in a pitch black room below the castle.

Nothing ate away at Yuri's mind like feeling helpless. Spending several days unable to move, unable to speak, unable to see, starving, cold, in constant pain, and assuming he was going to die had been the worst experience of his life. Not only because it had been so miserable, but because it meant he was now someone that that sort of thing could happen to. He wasn't always in control and he could be taken advantage of, and the only thing that would make him feel worse was looking his friends in the eye and knowing they knew just how low he'd sunk.

"I know you're having nightmares, Yuri. I know this is bothering you. I want to help you, but I can't if you won't let me."

"If you want to help, go figure out how to fix my spine. That's the problem here." Flynn had already seen Yuri at his lowest. Yuri's memory of the night Carter stabbed him was hazy, but he recalled getting dragged to his feet and feeling ashamed that Flynn was seeing him so defeated. Flynn didn't need to know any more.

"Why won't you just talk to me?!"

"Because you want to talk about stupid crap!" Yuri slashed his knife at the ham, and it slipped down more than he'd anticipated because he didn't have the finger to grip it properly. The knife screeched against the ceramic plate. "If you keep this up, you're going to be kicked out for aggravating me. I'm delicate, remember?"

Flynn glared at him for a long ten seconds, and then let out a breath through his teeth. "Fine. We'll discuss this later."


	5. Talk to Me

Yuri sat in bed, leaning against the headboard and eyeing the wheelchair sitting by the bed. He'd finished lunch about half an hour ago, so he didn't expect a nurse to come by again for another few hours. Flynn wouldn't be here until at least six, and after the whole group visited yesterday, he didn't expect any other visitors today. He was so bored just sitting here, though he had to admit his situation had greatly improved. Until yesterday, he had no options but to stare at whatever the nurses pointed him at, so the relative freedom of sitting up and moving around in bed was heavenly. And if he got into that chair, he could even leave the room.

But first he needed to get into that chair. He could, of course, call for a nurse to help, but that would be a last resort. He needed to do this by himself. He gripped the edge of the mattress with one hand, leaned to the side, and rocked forward. With that momentum, he gripped the mattress and pulled, edging a few inches closer to the chair. He did this a few more times until he managed to get right to the edge of the bed. His legs had been left behind, so he grabbed his knees and swung them over the edge of the bed. Sitting upright now; good, this was the first step. He had to grip the mattress to maintain balance, but he just needed to sit here long enough to get into the chair.

Using one hand to stabilize himself, he reached for the arm of the chair and tugged it closer to the bed. Right, now he just needed to… He grabbed the arm rest of the chair and pushed off from the mattress at once throwing himself forward. Two things were wrong with his plan: first, he'd lost so much muscle during his month in bed that he barely managed to push himself a few inches forward; and second, he hadn't put on the brakes of the chair so as soon as he pushed against it, the chair rolled away from him. The end result of this was that he smashed his chin against the seat of the chair on his way to the floor.

"Ow," he muttered, flat on his chest. A glance over his shoulder showed his shins resting against the side of the bed. He'd probably landed on his knees and then slid forward. More importantly, he wasn't sure exactly how he was going to get up. Dammit, all he'd wanted to do was get into that chair, but the chair was now several feet away and he was flat on his face. It occurred to him that calling for help would be easy, but he wasn't willing to resort to that yet. He could figure this out on his own. He planted one elbow on the ground and pushed, managing to push himself onto his side. From there he grabbed the edge of the bed and tried to pull himself up. His muscles strained, and he gritted his teeth in frustration. He was going to need to work out so much once he got out of here. It was so ridiculous to find himself actually  _stuck_  simply by falling out of bed, and yet here he was, struggling to get back on the mattress.

"Dammit, dammit, dammit," he muttered turning all the way onto his back and gripping the mattress with both hands. No matter how much he pulled, he couldn't get more than an inch off the ground.

He heard the door open and winced, waiting for a familiar, "Yuri, dear, are you all right?!" Harriet-Dear was on shift today and he'd had enough coddling when she brought him lunch.

"Yuri?" To his surprise, it was a new voice.

He considered stubbornly insisting on getting into bed by himself, but from the looks of things, it would take several weeks of working out and doing pull-ups until he was strong enough to get from the floor to the bed only using his arms. He waved his hand and said, "I'm over here, and I could use a little help."

The woman who rounded the bed had blond hair in a ponytail and wasn't dressed like a nurse. "It looks like you're in a bit of a pickle. Let me help you up."

With no other option to get off the floor, Yuri wrapped his arms around her neck as she wrapped hers under his armpits and lifted him into the air. She heaved him onto the bed, and from there he could pick up his legs and pull them onto the mattress. He dragged himself back to the headboard and returned to his starting position, wiser now about the importance of wheelchair brakes.

"Thanks." She'd left the door open, and through the open door he spotted Malcolm sitting in his chair in the hallway. Yuri was about to nod in greeting, when he noticed that Malcolm wasn't looking at him, but glaring daggers into the woman's back.

"My pleasure. It's nice to meet you," she stuck out her hand. "I'm Dr. Sarah Rook."

Yuri shook her hand with some trepidation. Whoever she was, Malcolm seemed to hate her. "Hey. No offense, Doc, but I don't think I need any more doctors."

She smiled sweetly. "You can call me Sarah."

"Unless you have some magic spinal cord cure, I don't think there's anything more you can do for me."

She pulled up a seat by his bed. "Oh, I'm not a medical doctor. I specialize in mental health."

Yuri's lukewarm reaction turned icy. "Is that so? Then I think you're especially not needed."

She folded her hands in her lap. "I understand you've been having nightmares. That's understandable given your situation and I believe you might be suffering from traumatic stress. While you're in the hospital, it's important to pay attention to your emotional recovery as well as your physical."

"Thanks for the concern, Doc, but-"

"Please, call me Sarah."

"Thanks for the concern, Call-Me-Sarah, but I really don't need to talk to a shrink." How did she know he was having nightmares? Flynn must have told one of the nurses or the doctor or someone, and then they decided it would be a good idea to make him talk to a shrink. He and Flynn were going to have  _words_.

"I appreciate that you are hesitant, but talking through your feelings would likely be very helpful to you and expedite the healing process. Not only about the circumstances that caused this, but working through your feelings about disability."

"Not interested." He was hospitalized, he was crippled, he was having nightmares, and his back throbbed with pain, but this was where he drew the line. He was  _not_  going to submit himself to talking over his feelings with Call-Me-Sarah.

"Perhaps if you took some time to think over-"

"You should have mentioned you were deaf, because I could have sworn I already told you I'm not interested." He didn't even want to talk about it with Flynn, and she expected him to tell a complete stranger about the most humiliatingly frightening experience in his life?

"If that's how you feel." She stood and straightened her dress pants, while Yuri just glared because he already disliked her and couldn't help feeling a minor twinge of resentment whenever he saw people standing around him. "If you ever change your mind, I'll be happy to help you."

"Don't hold your breath."

She patted him on the shoulder and left the room. Before she closed the door, Yuri caught Malcolm looking at him, then rolled his eyes and shook his head. Yuri smiled sympathetically, guessing he'd had to put up with her trying to help him, too.

Once she was gone, he was back to boredom. He really needed to tell people to stop closing his door on the way out. All he ever saw through the door was people walking by, but it made him feel more connected to the world, and not shut in alone in a featureless box of a room. It was times like these that the desire to walk spiked, because he'd love to just hop out of bed, open the door, and get right back to bed. Getting to the door, though, would mean struggling to the edge of the bed, reaching enough to pull his chair close enough, remembering to put on the breaks, hoping he had the strength to transfer into the seat, wheeling all the way to the door, and then doing all that in reverse to get back. Frankly, it wasn't worth the effort or the risk of falling to the floor again, so he grabbed the book on the nightstand and went back to reading. Better than staring at the wall.

* * *

Later that evening, Flynn arrived at the hospital to visit as always. When he entered Yuri's room, he was met with a different sight than he was used to. Instead of the bed Yuri had been in for the past month, he sat in the wheelchair by the window, resting his elbows on the windowsill. He looked over his shoulder and said, "Yo."

"Hello, Yuri. It's so good to see you out of bed."

"I can't be lazy all the time." He grabbed the wheels and tried to turn away from the window. He eventually managed, but only after banging his knees against the wall a few times.

Flynn resisted the urge to offer help.  "Did you get in the chair yourself?"

Instead of answering, Yuri scowled at him. "Sit down, would you? I hate having to look up at you."

"Sorry." He plopped onto the edge of the bed so they would be on the same level.

"Anyway, nah, the lovely Harriet had to help. I'm working on doing it myself though."

Flynn bobbed his head encouragingly. "I'm sure you'll get it in no time."

Yuri extended his arm and examined it. "It's crazy how much weight I've lost. Almost dying takes a lot out of a guy."

Flynn hadn't wanted to comment because Yuri might be touchy about it, but Flynn had noticed, too. He must have lost at least thirty pounds. "You'll bulk up again once you get out of the hospital."

He smirked. "Yeah, I'll run laps or something."

"Yuri…"

Yuri waved his hand. "I'm kidding. Hey, speaking of recovering." His casual tone flipped off. "Thanks a lot for sending a shrink after me. I really appreciate it."

"A shrink?"

"'Hey, Yuri, call-me-Sarah and tell me about your feelings'. If I wanted a head doctor I would have told you."

Flynn leaned away, taken aback by Yuri's accusatory tone. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Like hell you don't. You told my doctor I'm having bad dreams and now I've got this woman to deal with. You told him I needed mental help, didn't you?"'

Flynn crossed his arms. "No, I didn't. I reported that you were having dreams only in relation to negotiating your medication doses."

"Don't give me that shit. You're the one who keeps going on about how I need to share my feelings and suddenly a person whose job revolves around getting people to cry about their mommy issues shows up in my room. Don't tell me you had nothing to do with this."

"I really didn't, but I think it says something that everybody who's come in contact with you thinks you need help."

"I don't need help!" He jerked on the wheels, pulling himself closer to Flynn. "Unless you can magically make my legs work, I'm not interested in help."

Flynn struggled to rein in his temper, but it was hard. Yuri made him happier than any other person, but he also managed to make him angrier than anyone else. "I don't know if you're lying to yourself or just to me, but you're not doing yourself any favours by insisting you're fine when you're clearly not."

He tugged one wheel, turning to the side so he wasn't facing Flynn directly. "I know you're a control freak, but can you do me a favour and stop trying to take it out on me?"

"Stop being so stubborn! Is it really that hard to believe that you're a fallible human who's capable of hurting?"

"Don't talk to me about hurting. I'm well aware that my back is killing me. I need a doctor who can put that fire out, not one who wants me to tell her all about Carter."

"If you won't talk to her, talk to me." All he wanted was to help Yuri deal with his grief but he couldn't do that as long as Yuri kept being a stubborn idiot.

Yuri looked over his shoulder with fire. "Why are you so insistent on hearing about this? What, do you get off on it or something?" His voice turned mocking. "'Ohhh, Yuri, tell me more about how it felt when he cut off your finger. I love that part, mm!'"

Flynn's grip on his anger snapped and before consciously thinking about it, he was on his feet. "You know damn well that's not what it is! I'm trying to help you!" Yuri started to turn even more away from him, but Flynn grabbed the handle of his chair. "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" He roughly swirled the chair around to face him.

Yuri swatted his hands away with as much strength as he could. "Don't touch my chair! That's certainly not helping."

"You are sick, Yuri. You're in pain and you're in shock and you're grieving your loss and that is  _understandable_. Bottling it up and trying to pretend you're all right is just making things worse because we all know you're not."

Yuri wheeled himself back so Flynn wasn't looming right in front of him. "I've already got enough nurses treating me like an invalid. I don't need it from you, too."

If Flynn tore out his hair every time Yuri frustrated him, he'd have gone bald a long time ago. As such, he'd long ago suppressed the urge and instead his hands just shook with anger. "But you  _are_! I'm sorry, Yuri, but by the very definition of the word you are in fact an invalid. I'm not saying you always will be, but for now you are and you should be doing everything you can to get back on your feet!" He regretted his phrasing the moment the words left his mouth.

"Piss off."

"Yuri-"

He wheeled in a circle, showing Flynn the back of his head. "I can take care of myself, you know. I don't need you fussing over me and I don't need nosy idiots who have no idea how I feel telling me it will get better if I tell them everything that happened. So if all you're going to do today is try to get me to talk to a therapist, you can just piss off and leave me alone."

Flynn stepped forward, reaching for Yuri.

"If you grab my chair again, I'm going to hurt you."

His arm dropped. "Just let me help you…"

Yuri didn't answer, just wheeled himself to the window and pointedly ignored Flynn.

This conversation was going nowhere, so Flynn dejectedly returned to the door. On his way out, he paused at the door and looked back. "Yuri… I'm not mad at you. If you feel ready to talk, I'm here." Yuri's shoulders stiffened, but he didn't turn around. Flynn closed the door with his head bowed and walked briskly away. As he passed through the main entrance, Sylvie looked up from her desk.

"Good evening, Commandant. You're leaving early. Is Yuri ok?"

"He's fine," Flynn said stiffly. "Just ask him."

All the way home, he glowered at the snow so fiercely it almost melted under his gaze and he took great satisfaction in crunching chunks of ice under his boots. Damn Yuri always had to be so stubborn. Why did he have to be so resistant to help?! When he got home, he slammed the door open with enough force it almost left a dent in his wall.

As he kicked off the snow on his boots and hung his jacket on the hook by the door, a head popped out of the kitchen. "You're home early!" Estelle said. "Dinner's not ready yet."

"Sorry." He took off his boots and hung up his scarf and then made his way to the kitchen, lured by the scent of cooking food. He'd given Estelle a key to his house and with both of them constantly worrying about Yuri, they found it nice to get together for dinner every now and then.

She saw the look on his face and her smile fell. "Is something wrong with Yuri?"

"He's just being his usual stubborn pain in the neck self." Flynn threw himself into a chair while Estelle sat across from him. Something was cooking in the oven; he didn't know what but at the moment he didn't care. "He still refuses to talk about what happened. He insists he just doesn't feel like it, but he refused even after I told him it could help with the trial. I could understand him not wanting to go into details for the sake of it, but if he's refusing even though it might help it means he's so bothered by these memories he's afraid of even bringing them up. That just means he  _really_  needs to talk about this, because bottling it up is going to drive him mad."

Estelle reached across the table and held his hand. "I'll talk to him. Maybe I can get him to talk to me."

He smiled grimly. "I wish you luck, but don't get discouraged if he throws a fit at you. Apparently a therapist tried to talk to him today and he's still angry about that."

Estelle winced. "I can see how Yuri would be unhappy with that."

Flynn pulled his hands away so he could rest his head in them. "I'm just so frustrated. I want to do  _something_  to help but he's shutting me out."

"Maybe…" she spoke carefully and slowly. "Maybe in this case the best way for you to help is to step back and give him space to heal on his own?"

Flynn raised his head. "Well… I guess, maybe. I feel so useless doing nothing, though." They'd barely even begun their relationship. They hadn't worked out all the details and figured out exactly how it would work yet, and he wasn't sure how involved he should be. He was more than just a friend to Yuri, but just how involved should he get? It was an equal mix of confusing and frustrating.

"Flynn, you know Yuri's always felt inferior to you, right?"

"He - what?" He let his arms drop to the table.

"Not so much anymore. He never explicitly said it, but they way he talked about you, I always got the feeling he thought of you as someone he always had to struggle to catch up to, ever since you were kids."

"I… I guess that makes sense." He and Yuri had competed ever since they knew what the word meant. Sure, Flynn had always won most of their competitions through childhood, but that didn't make him superior.

"By the time our journey was over, he had put those feelings behind him, I think, but I wonder if this injury has brought them back. He finally reached a point were he beat you in a sword fight and felt that you were truly on equal footing, but now he's significantly weaker than you. I think having you pressing to help him might be rubbing in the fact that you're stronger."

"I'm not trying to rub anything into Yuri." He paused, met her eyes for a second, and quickly tried to move the conversation on when he realized he could have chosen a better way to phrase that. "I don't think I'm better than him, and it's hardly his fault he was injured."

"I know that." If she noticed the awkwardness of his phrasing, she didn't mention it. "And I'm sure Yuri knows it, too. But knowing it in your mind doesn't mean you can shake the feelings in your heart. Being crippled must have been a huge blow to him, and he's probably worried that you'll think even less of him if you know how he was tortured."

"I don't-"

"I  _know_. But Yuri's not thinking clearly. We can't expect him to act completely rationally or just like his old self when he's still reeling from everything that happened."

Flynn stared at his hands. "Yes. You're right, of course. I just… I really wish there something I could do to help him. I feel so useless."

Estelle nodded sadly. "I feel the same way. I'm going in tomorrow to bring him some clothes. I'll see if I can get anything out of him. By the way, do you have a plan for his birthday?"

Flynn's stress jumped again and he ground his palm into his face. "No. I want to get him something but I'm stumped."

"Well, what would you usually get him?"

Flynn could feel a rant coming on, because he'd been worrying about this for over a week. Might as well just let it out. "I really don't know. Birthday gifts were never something we put a lot of focus on for financial reasons, but I'd been thinking I should get him something really nice this year, because I finally have a paycheck that can buy an expensive gift. I know Yuri doesn't care about money, but I had been thinking something like a new sword, a really good custom made one. But now…" His fingernails dug painfully into his palms. "How can I get him a sword when he can't fight anymore? That would just be rubbing it in his face. Then I thought I could get him a new pair of boots because his are falling apart and the laces broke a long time ago, but I can't get him boots!" His hands flew up in despair. "That would be the most insensitive gift I could get him! He'll never need boots again - how could I give him something so useless and mocking?"

Before he could stop himself he was on his feet and pacing around the kitchen. "He could probably use a new sweater, but that's kind of impersonal, isn't it? This is our first gift-giving now that we're a couple. It has to be special. I could give him something he actually really needs now, like… a wheelchair ramp or - or seat cushions to protect against pressure sores or something like that. But wouldn't that just be rubbing it in his face that he's in a wheelchair now? It would just make him upset. I could bake him a cake but that would be disastrous. I'd suggest we go somewhere special, but we can't go anywhere more than a block or two from the hospital."

"Flynn, you might be overthinking-"

"I just went to do something nice for him!" He threw his arms up in frustration as he paced in a tight loop in the kitchen. "It's the only thing I can do. I can't heal his injury, I can't take his pain away, I can't make his nightmares stop, I can't even get him to t- _talk_  to me!" It surprised him when he found his voice cracking. "I just want to get him a stupid birthday present but everything is a terrible idea and literally everything I think of my brain finds some way to relate back to his injury. Coffee mugs? How can you carry a drink and push your chair at the same time? A hat? Oh, I'd better make sure it looks good on the top because most people will be looking down on his head from now on. A pen? It's a good thing he writes with his left hand because he can't hold things very well in his right hand anymore."

He hadn't even noticed Estelle stand up, but when he turned around to make another circuit he crashed into her arms. "Flynn, calm down."

For a moment he froze, and then his composure broke and he crumpled around her. With his broad shoulders and being half a foot taller than her, he practically smothered her as he clung to her. Before he could stop himself, he was spilling tears on the shoulder of her dress. "I'm - I'm sorry - I-"

"It's ok."

"Why am I so powerless to help him when he needs it most?" He struggled to stop crying, because it was undignified to sob onto the princess. Knowing she didn't care about titles between them, he couldn't find the willpower to stop. He hadn't cried like this since the night Yuri was injured, but he realized now he'd been holding it in for a month. Yuri had survived his injury, but only barely. Carter may not have killed Yuri, but he'd killed any chance of him continuing a normal life. Everything Flynn had thought his future with Yuri had in store had suddenly changed, and every aspect of life was going to be different now.

"W-what right do I have to cry?" He tried to stop but couldn't. Everything just spilled out and he couldn't stop it. "Yuri's the one in pain. He's the one who's crippled. I'm perfectly fine, but here I am feeling sorry for myself."

"It's ok, Flynn. When you love someone, you're happy when they're happy and you hurt when they hurt."

Every time he thought he was about to run out of tears, his mind threw an image of Yuri clumsily wheeling himself around at him. This was followed by snippets from their argument and how furious Yuri was with him, and whether Yuri even wanted to continue being in a relationship after all this. Everything started the tears all over again, until his eyes ran dry and he just heaved for breath while trying to stop thinking about wonderful, vibrant Yuri sitting alone by the window in a wheelchair. Undercutting everything was the terrible thought that all of this was  _his_  fault. He forced out, "I just wish things could go back to the way they used to be."

Estelle squeezed him tighter and, just as softly, replied, "Me, too."

He pulled away from her and rubbed his eyes with his sleeve. "I apologize for losing my composure."

Estelle quickly shook her head. "No, Flynn, it's fine. We're both Yuri's friends. I won't lie and say I haven't cried over this, too."

"It's illogical to get so worked up over a birthday gift."

"I understand. I have an idea - why don't you get him some weights?"

He wrinkled his brow, wondering if he'd misheard. "Weights?"

She nodded eagerly. "Yes, you know, those small weights you lift with one hand to work out your arms. He's been complaining about losing muscle strength in the hospital, and he needs to build upper body strength to do wheelchair transfers, so I think it would be perfect. It's something he can use and would show you're paying attention to him."

"But you're the one who suggested it."

"We all need a little help sometimes."

Flynn nodded slowly. "Yes… I could do something like that." With a gift plan in mind and after letting all his stress out on Estelle's shoulder, he felt remarkably calmer. He still grappled with hideous guilt for being the one to cause Yuri's paralysis, though. So far, he was the only one who knew. He couldn't bring himself to tell anyone else the truth.

"Oh! The lamb chops!" Estelle hurried away to the oven and Flynn sank back into his chair, still rubbing his eyes. Dinner smelled delicious, and he tried to cheer up. Yuri wasn't dead, and that was something to be thankful for. Yuri was resilient and with enough time he could bounce back from anything… hopefully.


	6. Shared Burden

The day had started out well, because when Yuri woke up, his legs were moving. Initially he thought this was a good sign, because even if he wasn't moving them voluntarily, it was still movement. Then the day had turned frustrating when Dr. Burke came to see him and explained that involuntary muscle spasms were to be expected and that all this meant was that his spinal cord was coming out of shock. Then he'd written Yuri another prescription and started him on yet another drug to suppress the spasms and left him to it. By this point, Yuri was pretty sure he had more drugs in him than an apothecary.

He spent the next hour lying in bed and waiting for the drugs to kick in, because if this didn't indicate function returning, the constant movement was just irritating. The mattress kept shaking with every involuntary kick and maybe it was just his imagination but he was pretty sure his back ached more than normal too. Cecilia said his nerves were damaged and kept misfiring pain signals, and that this was something not likely to go away any time soon. Thinking about that didn't make him any happier.

Soon after the spasms in his legs finally quelled, the door burst open and a smiling face marched in. "Hello, Yuri! Look, I brought you something!"

He looked over. "Estelle?" She carried a large bag which she dumped by the bed. "What's that?"

She dug into the bag and pulled out a faded blue sweatshirt that Yuri recognized as his own. "I brought you clothes!"

"Why?"

"Cecilia said you could wear proper clothes if you want. I thought maybe you could get dressed and then we could go for a walk outside."

Outside! His heart leapt at the words the way Repede's ears used to perk up at the word 'walk' when he was a puppy. "That sounds great."

"Here you go." She tossed him the sweatshirt, a lighter shirt to go underneath, a pair of pants, socks and underwear, and even a hat and mittens. "Everything you need to go outside."

Yuri picked up the shirt and couldn't help smiling. "Estelle… thanks a lot." He was so sick of wearing this stupid hospital gown, and leaving his room to roll around the hospital's corridors had stopped being exciting the third time he saw the same empty hallways over and over again. He pushed against the mattress to struggle into an upright position and wasted no time in tugging the gown off. This was difficult, because the bottom flap was stuck under his butt but it came free after pulling hard enough. He slipped on the shirt and the sweater, but that was the easy part. His eyes fell on the underwear and pants, and he wasn't quite sure how he was going to get those on. "Uh… maybe you should go get a nurse to help."

"I can help, if you don't mind."

"Are you sure?" Yuri had never been shameful about his body, but he had a feeling Estelle was more uncomfortable dealing with nudity.

"It's ok. The doctor in Aurnion said I was sort of an honorary nurse anyway, right? I just want to help you."

"If you're sure." He pulled the blanket away and tried to do as much as he could himself. Estelle tactfully glanced away, blushing slightly, as he reached forward like he was trying to touch his toes and worked his feet through the holes in the underwear. He managed to get to his thighs before he needed help.

Working together, they got the underwear into position and then did the same for his pants. It involved a lot of rocking back and forth to lift one hip and then the other while Estelle did the pulling. Estelle kept her face stoic even as her cheeks began to match her hair, and awkwardly glanced away when Yuri fumbled to reposition himself so the catheter tube was going out the correct leg hole. This was a lot more intimate than he'd ever expected to be with Estelle, but privacy was a thing for people who still had fully working bodies.

"Look at that, I'm like a real person now." Wearing his own clothing did wonders for cheering him up after the spasming this morning. He was a bit alarmed, though, when he found he could pull the waistband of his pants over an inch away from his body. He really had lost a lot of weight.

"Here," she passed him a comb. "Your hair is a mess."

"That's because it's short." He tugged the comb through his hair, hating how quickly he reached the ends. "When it was long, gravity worked on my side."

"Heh, I know what you mean. Mine is a disaster when I first wake up."

"Could be worse." He finished combing his hair as quickly as he could. "Flynn's is always a disaster."

He set the comb on the nightstand and Estelle said, "Shall I help you into the chair now?"

"Hold on, I can do this. I've been having lessons." Learning how to get out of bed on his own wasn't very glamorous or exciting, but at least lessons with the physical therapists gave him something to do and it was nice to not have to rely on someone for simple things anymore. He planted his fists in the mattress and pushed, scooting to the edge of the bed. Then he grabbed the chair, pulled it close, locked the wheels, and grabbed a smooth wooden board Cecilia had given him after hearing about how he fell on his face yesterday. Using this as a bridge between the chair and the bed, he inched along it until he was in his seat. "There. No trouble at all." Hopefully Estelle didn't notice how exhausted the exertion had left him.

"That's great, Yuri! Put on your coat and we can go outside." She handed him his jacket and hat, and then she pulled a blanket out of the bag, too. "Here, I brought you your blanket from your room."

"Oh, thanks." It was hardly softer or warm than the regulation blankets he had at the hospital, but a little reminder of home wouldn't hurt.

"It's pretty cold outside. You should wrap it around your legs to keep warm."

"Why? I don't care if my legs are cold. I can't feel temperature, remember?"

She frowned. "I know that! But, your legs will still get cold. What if you get frostbite because you couldn't tell they were getting too cold?"

"I really don't think frostbite is going to be an issue in Zaphias." Still, he went ahead and draped the blanket over his lap to make Estelle happy. He briefly considered going through the trouble of putting his boots on, because going outside in just his socks felt weird. It would be such a hassle to work his dead feet into them, though, and it wasn't like he need to protect his soles from the ground.

Yuri let Estelle hold the door open for him and then rolled into the hall. They first headed to the main entrance, but then stopped in the lobby when they realized the major flaw in the plan: there were a few steps leading to the front entrance. Instead, they had to make their way to a side door, which had a ramp. Yuri let go of the wheels and let himself roll all the way down.

"Yuri! Isn't that dangerous?"

He slid to a halt as snow on the street accumulated around his wheels. "I'm fine."

"Ok, but put your mittens on." She passed them over and then slipped her own pink mittens on.

Yuri complied because the metal rims of the chair were already turning icy cold, but as soon as he tried to push the wheels, his woolly hands slid uselessly along the metal. Frustration mounting, he gripped them as tight as he could and pushed, straining to get the wheels to move through the snow with his slippery grip. He leaned forward in his effort to move, and then flailed his arms to grab the armrests when he lost his balance and nearly fell forward.

Estelle hesitantly reached forward. "Um… would you mind if I pushed you?"

He really didn't want to be pushed, but it was clear he wasn't going anywhere with these mittens and this snow. He considered going barehanded, but it was far too cold to grip the metal rims without gloves of some kind. A puff of fog curled out of his mouth with his resigned sigh. "Go ahead."

"It's pretty annoying this had to happen in winter," Estelle said gently, pulling his chair out of the snow and pushing. "This would be a lot easier if the weather was nice."

Yuri tried to focus on the positive. Getting pushed through the royal quarter infuriated him, because he didn't want to give the nobles around here any more reasons to look down on him. He didn't have any choice, though, because the fact was he hadn't built up enough strength yet to manage pushing through snow in slippery mittens, even though there was only a couple of centimetres of snow on the shovelled streets. Frustrating as this was, it was nice to be outside. The cool, clear air chilled his lungs after so many weeks of the hospital. He liked seeing people going about their lives, even if he could do without the stares.

"We've sure gotten a lot of snow this winter, haven't we?" Estelle asked.

"Yeah. I wonder if the Adephagos screwed with the weather or something." More likely, it was just his rotten luck acting up. Of course there would be unprecedented snowfall the year he suddenly had to learn how to navigate on wheels.

"Rita says she's going to invent something to control the weather so it never snows again. She says it should be possible, since you could do that with a sufficiently advanced blastia."

"Good luck to her on that. I would love a little less snow clogging my wheels."

"Yes, it's hard enough trying to push."

They walked for about ten minutes, never straying too far from the hospital but far enough that Yuri was able to feel like he was getting away. He did appreciate that he likely wouldn't be alive now without intervention from the hospital, but that didn't stop him from hating the place. While they walked, Estelle chatted about all the goings on at the castle. It was so nice to get outside and have a conversation, and it almost would have felt like the old days if Estelle wasn't pushing him in a wheelchair. After some time, Estelle steered into a small park and came to a stop next to a bench. She brushed snow off the seat and sat down, while Yuri sat a bit to the side. At least he didn't have to worry about his seat being covered in snow and getting his pants wet.

"As annoying as snow can be, it sure is pretty." She looked around the park with a smile. Clumps of white clung to green bushes and snowy branches of naked trees cut jagged cracks against the pale blue sky. "I used to go out into the castle garden in the winter and pretend I was trekking through a blizzard in Zophier. I had lots of adventures when I was a child, although it was very lonely."

"Bet you regret doing that now that you've been there. Zophier is freezing."

"Yes, that's true." She nodded slowly. "But it wasn't so bad when I went because I was with all of you. Everything is easier to face when you do it with friends."

Yuri nodded. "I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to stop the Adephagos on my own."

"So why do you insist on dealing with this on your own?"

Yuri stiffened, because he suddenly realized he'd been tricked into taking a walk to a secluded location he couldn't escape to have a talk with Estelle. "Don't you start with this, too."

"Start with what? I just want to talk to you about how you feel."

"Everybody wants to talk about how I feel except for me."

"I really think it would be helpful to you to talk to someone you trust about what you're going through. It's so hard to deal with things like this without support."

Yuri loved Estelle to death, but right now he just wanted her to leave him the hell alone. "How many different ways can I arrange the words 'I don't want to talk about it' until someone finally understands?"

She rested her hand on his arm. "Ok, I won't ask you to talk, but I will ask you to listen."

Yuri leaned back and sighed. He could try to leave, but he wouldn't get very far on his own. "Fine. Talk away."

"First of all, we all think it's kind of silly of you to pretend you're perfectly fine when all of us know you're not. You don't have to hide anything from your friends. No one thinks any less of you because you were injured. We want to help you, and it makes us sad when you shut us out and insist you don't need us. Friends support each other - you can't expect to help us when we're in trouble and not have us want to do the same for you."

He didn't pull his arm away from her, but he did curl his fingers with a hint of guilt. "I'm not trying to reject you guys. I really don't need-"

"Just stop it." He rarely heard her voice reach that level of upset and he looked to her in surprise. "Stop lying to us, Yuri. And if you really do think you're fine, then stop lying to yourself. I won't say I understand exactly how you feel, but I think you're being pretty self-centred in acting like no one could come close to understanding how it feels to be kidnapped and tortured." Her grip on his arm clenched almost painfully.

In a flash, Yuri recalled how quiet Estelle had been in the mornings right after they rescued her at the Sword Stair. He wondered if the nightmares he had now were anything like what must have plagued her mind after nearly killing her best friends.

Estelle's teary eyes turned to her knees. "When you're captured… everything just falls apart. Any hopes or dreams you had just turn into a constant desire to be free, and you want to escape so badly but you don't know how. And you're usually a strong person, so why can't you escape? It feels like it means you're weak, that you're a burden on your friends because they might get hurt trying to rescue you because you can't save yourself. On top of it all, you just physically hurt so bad, and you want to be strong and ignore the pain but you can't because it's too intense. All you want to do is go home and cry in your bed, but you're trapped and the longer the pain lasts, the harder it is to ignore. It ruins your resolve because humans just weren't built to withstand a constant barrage of mental and physical torture without crumbling. You're so miserable but the only person around is the one making you hurt, and you hate that person more deeply than anyone in the world, but at the same time you know your life is in their hands and you rely on them to keep you alive. They can do anything they want to you and you feel so helpless and powerless and you want to be brave but you're just so scared because you know they're probably going to kill you or even worse."

Her hand trembled by the time she was done. Everything she'd said resonated so strongly he had to stare at the snow and take a few deep breaths to quiet the painful memories she'd stirred up. He really had been stupid, hadn't he? He hadn't wanted to burden his friends with all the horrible feelings swirling inside, but he'd somehow overlooked the fact that he had someone right there who already shared them.

"Estelle… sorry." He met her eyes, and she pulled her hand away to wipe her tears.

"And then, after you get out, you think you have to keep being strong. Your friends need you. There are things to do. You're a strong person; you won't let this get to you. You keep telling yourself that in daylight, even though you revisit the pain every night in your sleep. You feel so alone because what that horrible man did to you was so inhuman nobody could ever understand the hopeless despair of being imprisoned and tortured unless they'd been there, too." She took a deep breath and folded her hands carefully in her lap. "I know I'll never understand exactly how you feel. I wasn't there. But, I was somewhere else and I've spent too long dealing with what Alexei did on my own to let you make the same mistake." She squeezed his hand. "If you really don't want to talk about it, I won't force you, but I don't want you to think that you  _can't_."

"It's not a pleasant story," he said slowly.

"Neither is mine."

Still analyzing the snow, he said, "What's there to tell, really? Everything you said already sums it up." He sighed. "How long did it take for you to feel normal again?" He put effort into trying to make the question sound casual, though with how acutely Estelle had described his feelings she probably knew just how desperate he was for normalcy.

She thought for a long moment, watching his stony face."It's not really about going back to normal; it's getting used to a new normal. I can never go back to the way I was before Alexei captured me, but I can get used to the way things are now. It still bothers me when I think too hard about it or I slip into replaying everything in my mind, but usually I think about how warm you felt when you caught me and how comforting it felt when you hugged me and welcomed me back and it makes the bad memories go away. But, I know I'm really lucky. I came out of it physically unscathed, whereas you… didn't."

He moved his hands to his knees. It still felt weird to grab his legs, and know that it was his legs he was grabbing, but for it to feel like he was grabbing someone else. Would he ever get used to this? "I don't want to accept that this is just something I have to get used to. There's got to be a cure out there - we just haven't found it yet."

"I hope so, too."

"I remember the last time I walked. I was fighting with Carter. He had a knife and I was unarmed." He looked ahead, seeing the snow-covered bushes but also seeing Carter's grinning face coming at him with a knife. His brow wrinkled. "I was waiting for backup like I was promised, but it didn't come. I held him off as long as I could, but my arms were getting pretty cut up by his knife and he definitely had the advantage. Then he got me pretty good, landed a deep slash across my hip. Startled me enough that he shoved me, I stumbled forward, and fell flat on my chest. And that's it - the last time I took a step. He tackled me, pinned me to the ground, and knocked me out with ether before I could get up again. After that, the last time I stood up was when Flynn showed up in the catacombs. Carter picked me up because by that point I was only barely conscious, but I remember standing up. I wonder if I would have savoured it somehow if I knew it was the last time I'd ever do that. Or fought back harder if I knew what letting him stab me would mean."

"I don't think there's anything you could have done," Estelle said quickly.

"Probably not." Better to not think about that, because it could only possibly lead to frustration. "After he first knocked me out, I woke up down in the catacombs. It was pitch black, freezing, and my wrists and ankles were tied. At this point, I was still mostly just pissed off at Trout for stabbing me in the back." After realizing what he'd said, he smirked. "I'm pretty pissed at Carter for stabbing me in the back, too."

Estelle didn't seem amused by his attempt at humour, but didn't call him on it.

"The first thing he did was this." He held up his right hand, but since it was covered by the mitten, he pulled it off and flexed his four fingers in the cold. "I'm still pretty sure it was the most painful. He didn't even untie my hands for it, so I couldn't see what he was doing. All I know is one second he was pressing my fingers against a block of wood, and the next there was this really intense pain in my index finger." He winced and closed his fist at the memory. He was pretty sure he remembered letting out a pretty loud shout from the shock. After Carter held the knife blade in the fire from his lantern for a little while, Yuri managed to turn his next scream into a smothered whine when the stump was seared shut.

"…Yuri?"

He'd zoned out thinking about that and looked down at his hand to see he was rubbing the scarred stump. "Sorry. Anyway, there's really not much to tell. I just… everything you said is right. I could barely move or talk or anything and I couldn't find a position that didn't hurt somewhere. He wasn't terribly creative, at least. Slashed me with the knife, burned me with that damn cigar, kicked me around a few times, and that was about it. Just kept doing one of those hings over and over. We were right about his motives - he's no sadist. He never even spoke to me and it really didn't seem like he was getting off on it or anything like that. He just wanted me to look as terrible as I could to drive Flynn over the edge when he showed up, so it was frustratingly impersonal. There were quite a lot of words I'd liked to have said to him, but I was gagged almost the entire time. I really thought I was going to die down there. And I guess…" There was no point trying to hide anything, because she already knew what it felt like. "Yeah. I was scared."

"I think any rational person would be scared in a situation like that. Even after I was safe again, I was still really shaken by it. I'd have nightmares and even after waking up, it took a few minutes to remember Alexei was dead and I was safe now."

Yuri nodded, knowing exactly what she was talking about. "Do you still have dreams like that?" Now, more than six months later? Was that how long he was going to put up with this?

"Sometimes. Not nearly as often as I did in the first few weeks. I find it helps me to hold onto something nearby to ground myself in reality, like a blanket or a book or anything really. If anyone else is around, it's nice to talk to them, not necessarily about the dream but about anything just to get your mind off it and back into the present."

"I'll keep that in mind. You know, not all my dreams have been straight reliving it. Sometimes they're like…" He tapped his fingers on the armrest, trying to put it into words. "I don't remember many details. Just that it's dark, and I know that you or Flynn or someone else that I care about is in trouble. I can hear you, or see you, or maybe I just know, like with weird dream logic. I know I need to help you, but I can't. I'm lying on the ground and my legs won't move. I try to crawl forward, but I'm dragging myself with my arms and it's nowhere near fast enough. The dream just drones on like that, like there's somewhere I really have to be but I physically can't get there."

"That makes sense. I can only imagine how frustrating it would be to not be able to move. Um, I don't have personal experience with that, but all I can say is that those dreams will probably go away once you get used to not moving your legs."

"Yeah." But he didn't want to get used to this. He wanted to go back to normal! "Hey, Estelle… thanks. For getting me to talk about this."

"Hm? Of course. I'd do anything to help you."

"I wish you'd told us about how rattled you were earlier. I feel bad for not noticing."

"It's fine." She forced a smile. "We had the Adephagos to deal with. I didn't want to burden anybody with my problems."

"It's never a burden to help you, Estelle."

She snickered. "You're such a hypocrite, Yuri. You accept weakness from everybody except yourself."

"Yeah, yeah, you've made your point. I should have talked to you ages ago."

She puffed herself up. "That's right, you should have! You should talk to Flynn, too. He's really upset." She saw his hesitation and added, "You don't have to tell him everything. He just wants to know that you're talking to someone and working things out, even if it's not him."

"No, I should. He said it would help with the case, right? If it will help send Carter to the gallows… I'll be as descriptive as I can." The jury just needed to know the details of what Carter did. He didn't need to go into the awful things it had made him feel.

Estelle leaned over and wrapped herself tightly around his shoulders. "Thank you so much for talking to me, Yuri."

Yuri stiffened slightly, still not entirely used to Estelle's smothering hugs. He patted her arm. "Yeah, well, you were right. I needed it."

She pulled away with a soft smile. "It gets better, Yuri. At least… it did for me."

"I'm sure. Do you think we should head back? It's getting pretty cold out here."

"Yes, I was thinking about that, too." She hopped to her feet and kicked some of the snow away from the wheels, and then grabbed the handles to push Yuri back in the direction of the hospital.

As they walked, Yuri fiddled with his deformed hand. "You know, I wonder what ever happened to my finger. It's probably rotting down there."

Estelle let out a little gasp.

He looked over his shoulder. "What is it?"

"You… don't know?"

"Know what?"

"I guess no one ever told you… Carter sent the finger to Flynn in the mail."

He stared at her for a second, mind reeling with revulsion. "He… what?" He turned his head forward and glared at the passing buildings. "Oh, that sick bastard. What did Flynn do with it?"

"I'm not sure. I assume it was disposed of. Why?"

Yuri shrugged. "I kind of want it back. It's my finger, after all. We've been through a lot together."

"What would you do with it? I'm pretty sure it's far too late to reattach."

"I'd trick Karol into playing 'pull my finger'."

Estelle hunched her shoulders and pouted. "Yuri, that's really gross."

"It's too late now, anyway." He slipped the mitten back on before his hand got any colder. "At least my hair will grow back."

"I know you don't like it, but I think it looks good on you."

"What, really?"

"I think that's the best length for hair."

He reached back to lightly swat her arm. "You're just saying that because it's the same length as yours."

"Heh-heh, maybe."

* * *

Yuri was reading in bed when Flynn showed up. He knocked lightly and took a step in, face tense, hand lingering on the doorknob. "Good evening."

Yuri stuck a finger in his book and looked up. "I didn't think you were going to come today."

"I'll leave if you would rather not speak to me."

Yuri shook his head, grabbed the scrap of paper he was using as a bookmark, and set the book aside. "No. Come in." After their argument yesterday, he wouldn't have been surprised if Flynn decided not to come in today, but here he was at 6:10 on the dot. Of course, he had reason to be hesitant. Before Yuri's talk with Estelle this morning, he probably wouldn't have wanted to see him.

Flynn approached the bed slowly. "Yuri, I want to apologize for yelling at you yesterday."

"No, stop." Yuri shook his head. "I'm the one who should apologize. I've been taking my anger out on you and being pretty unreasonable. I know this is hard for you, too, and you're just trying to help."

Flynn sunk into the side of the bed. "I'm so relieved to hear you say that."

"Sorry I was being an asshole."

"I'm sorry I kept pushing you." He smiled gently and added, "Am I going to have to send Estelle after you every time we fight?"

"I don't know. We're probably not going to be able to solve arguments the old way." They both looked to his legs for a moment. At this point Yuri had his sights set on shuffling along with a cane - working things out with an aggressive sword fight between equals wasn't in the cards anymore. "You were right. I should have talked about this ages ago. What do you need to know for a witness statement?"

"You don't have to tell me," Flynn said quickly. "I'm just glad you talked to Lady Estellise. If it would be easier for you to write it yourself-"

"No, it's fine. I'm going to have to tell the jury, aren't I? I want Carter to get as much punishment as the justice system can mete out. Hang him twice if you can." Letting it out with Estelle had destroyed the mental block that kept everything locked inside, and even though it wouldn't be pleasant, he wasn't going to let this rule him. "What do you need?"

"Whatever you're comfortable telling me."

"Carter smothered me with ether at the end of a fight. You know that much, right?"

Flynn nodded. "I heard that part of the story from Trout."

Yuri scowled. "I'm going to kick that bastard's ass. The whole time I was fighting, I was waiting for knights to pop out and grab him, like we did with Zagi. Anyway, I woke up in the catacombs with a headache."

"I know that feeling. He drugged me, too."

"Ether sure leaves an awful taste in your mouth, huh?"

"I vomited into a snowbank."

"Ouch. I wasn't quite that bad. I don't know what you want me to say - he cut off my finger with a knife and cauterized the stump. Kicked me a lot. I don't think he actually broke any bones, but it was pretty painful."

"I heard your ribs were bruised."

Yuri absently trailed his hand over his chest. "Figures. He used his knife on me, too, but the cigar was worse." He wrinkled his nose. "He kept blowing the smoke in my face, too. If I get sick from second-hand smoke I'm going to be pissed. Do you need to know how many times he burned me?"

"No."

"Good, 'cause I don't remember. I think there were three different 'sessions', though. Hey, you could probably count." He pulled the collar away from his shirt and traced his fingers over the red mark on his chest. "Here's one."

Flynn diverted his eyes. "No, Yuri, that's fine."

Yuri trailed his middle finger from the one in the middle of this chest to another red mark by his shoulder. "I wonder if you could connect the dots and make a picture."

Flynn grabbed his wrist. "Please stop. Sorry, I just… I hate looking at your scars."

"I have loads of scars. You've never had a problem before."

"I've never liked them, because I don't like being reminded when you were hurt, but every scar tells a story and these ones' story is that you were kidnapped to hurt me and I failed to find you before they could happen." He ran his thumb along the side of Yuri's hand, just missing the edge of the scar. "I hate being reminded that your association with me got you hurt."

Yuri let Flynn hold his hand, because he knew exactly how Flynn felt. This was opposite of how it should be, though. He'd spent so long worrying that associating with him would hurt Flynn's career or contaminate his clean hands, but it ended up being him who got in trouble. "What else can I report? I was pretty damn hungry because he didn't give me any food. He cut my hair near the end. I wasn't really sure what day anything was because it was pitch black all the time and whenever I started falling asleep he kicked me awake. I'm probably forgetting a lot because I was kind of out of it by the end."

"Do you remember if he ever said anything about killing the other victims?"

He shook his head. "He confirmed killing those people outside Dahngrest a few years back, and he said he hated his father, but didn't explicitly say he killed him."

"Oh, that's something! Carter insists he loved his father and would never hurt him." Flynn scooted closer to him. "Did he say anything else?"

Yuri ran through everything Carter had said, trying to think of anything that might be helpful. "Nope. Sorry. He really didn't talk to me very much. Maybe I'll remember something later, though?"

"Do you remember… uh, when I came?"

"Sort of. I don't remember most of what led up to it, but I remember Carter pulling me to my feet and looking at you. For a minute, I thought everything was going to be ok. I mean, you always swoop in to save the day. I remember him stabbing me, but not very much after that." It was probably better that he didn't remember. Lying on the ground and bleeding out with his spine dislocated probably wouldn't have been very pleasant. "I'll try to remember more if I can."

"What you already said is fine. You can say it at Carter's trial, right?"

Yuri nodded. "Yeah, sure. I'll say whatever you want."

"I just need you to tell the truth." Flynn slipped off his boots and pulled his legs onto the bed. "Scoot over."

"Sure, give me a minute." 'Scooting over' was not a simple task anymore. He strained his arms and dragged his ass a few inches sideways, and Flynn slid up next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

"Thank you for talking to me."

"M-hm." It was weird to feel Flynn's warmth pressing against him and then abruptly stop where sensation disappeared. "I'm still not going to talk to a therapist, though."

"A professional might be able to-"

Yuri's glare cut him off, and he changed tactics. "How are you doing? Has your pain gotten any better?"

"Not a bit. It's like a constant drone I can usually ignore. Thanks for reminding me."

Flynn winced. "Sorry."

"It's fine. I'm pretty sick of being in the hospital, but it's better now that I can get out of bed. I've been having a lot of training."

"Training?"

"Yeah. Getting in and out of bed, moving around, that kind of stuff." It was pretty frustrating to need actual lessons just to learn how to get out of bed, but he had to admit he needed it. Losing half his body meant re-learning almost everything. When he first got the brace off it was a struggle to sit up, but only a few days later he could manage with a little effort. If he kept improving and gaining strength, surely he'd get something back in his legs.

"I'm so glad things are looking up for you." Flynn leaned in close and kissed his cheek.

"Considering I have to do everything sitting down, I've been doing a lot of looking up lately."

The bed creaked and Yuri got the feeling Flynn impulsively kicked him for making such a lame joke.

"What are you doing, anyway? This bed is too small for two."

Flynn squeezed him tighter. "It's no smaller than your bed at the Comet and we made that work. Besides, I miss you."

"You've seen me every day for a month. That's more than usual."

"It's different." He rested his head against Yuri's.

"You know, they're going to kick you out of here at seven so don't get too comfy."

"Let them try. I'm the commandant."

He elbowed Flynn's ribs. "Oh, getting a little power crazy, are you?"

"Maybe."

"Hmph. This is the one time I'll let someone get away with that."


	7. Twenty-Two

Yuri lay on his back, out of breath. "One… more… time."

Flynn hesitated, sitting on his knees beside him, and frowned. "Are you sure? You look exhausted."

"I'm gonna try again. Hold my legs, will you?"

"You couldn't do a sit-up the first ten times you tried. Why do you think you'll do any better when you're already worn out?"

"I'm not  _that_  tired," he lied. He lay on a thick mat, muscles aching. He'd spent the entire day with a physical therapist teaching him how to transfer from bed to wheelchair, wheelchair to other chair, chair to ground, and ground to wheelchair. Well, he'd tried the last one, but couldn't quite get it yet. Then there'd been practice balancing, stretching exercises, wheelchair navigation tips, and more than he thought he could possibly remember. Lying in bed all day had bored him to tears, and the sudden switch to the constant activity of rehab was exhausting.

The therapist was gone now, but Flynn had suggested they stay in the exercise room a bit longer and work on things alone. Of course, it turned out Flynn's idea of 'working on things alone' had included a lot of touching, hugging, and kissing. It was nice, because Yuri couldn't help but feel cheated that after taking so long to initiate a relationship with Flynn, things kept coming up to keep them apart for almost two months. The whole month on his back had been torture, because Flynn couldn't risk much more than holding his hand or touching his face in fear of aggravating his fragile spine.

"All right, we'll try one more time." Flynn pushed Yuri's knees up and held them in place.

For now, Yuri was trying to do a sit-up. He could get himself upright with minimal difficulty if he used his arms, but a proper sit-up with his hands behind his head still eluded him. He gritted his teeth, took a deep breath, and pulled himself as far up as he could go. He got his shoulders a few inches off the ground and his abs burned from the strain. No matter how hard he pushed, he just couldn't get himself any higher. After hovering a few inches off the ground for a whole minute, he collapsed onto the mat with a gasp. "Dammit."

"I think you got farther up this time."

"I did not." Flynn let go of his legs and they slumped to the ground. "Man, this is such a pain in the ass. Actually, if I could feel pain in my ass, I'd be pretty happy."

"Maybe…"

Yuri braced himself because he could tell by Flynn's nervous expression that what he was about to say was going to make Yuri mad.

"Maybe you're going to need to give up on doing sit-ups. It might be something that's just not possible anymore. We could try to find a modified version."

"I don't want to do special cripple sit-ups; I want to do a damn sit-up."

Flynn let out a forced breath, which Yuri easily translated as meaning 'I think you're being unrealistic and stubborn but I don't feel like arguing about this just now'.

He folded his hands behind his head. "Why're you being so nice today?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"You haven't argued with me once."

Flynn leaned forward on his hands, looking down at Yuri's face. "Well, of course I'm being nice to you. It's your birthday."

Yuri blinked for a second. "Wait, it is?"

"You didn't remember?"

He quickly tried to count the days. His birthday had never been a huge deal and every day in here blurred into the next. He knew it was sometime around now, but hadn't bothered to look at an actual calendar to check the date. "Huh. I guess it is." He held up his hand and twirled his finger in the air. "Happy birthday to me." He had to admit, he'd had better birthdays.

Flynn glanced at the clock. "Let's head back to your room now."

"Yeah, ok." He leaned to one side and then threw himself back in the other direction, using his elbows to push off the ground and flip onto his stomach. Rolling over was a trick he'd learned in rehab yesterday, and considering he was already an expert at 'play dead', he figured he was well on the way to competing with Repede for best dog tricks. On his stomach, he dragged himself with his arms to the edge of the mat. This was easy because the mat was smooth and rubbery, but he hadn't tried it yet on carpet. Since he still hadn't mastered getting into his chair from the ground, he asked, "Can you give me a hand?"

"Of course." Flynn hurried to his side and pulled Yuri into the chair.

"Thanks." He turned the chair around and headed for the door. It was slow going, because he was already exhausted from an entire day of physical activity.

"Do you want me to push-"

"No." Every push burned his biceps, but he  _could_  do this by himself and there weren't very many things he could say that of, so he'd take what he could get. He did, however, let Flynn open the door for him and rolled into the hall.

"You're getting so much better, Yuri," Flynn said encouragingly. He walked slowly so Yuri could keep up with him. "A week ago you couldn't even sit up in bed."

"It's not enough." It would take a lot more than getting in and out of bed for him to feel satisfied with his abilities. He wouldn't be happy until he could look Flynn in the eye without craning his neck.

"I know you're eager to get back to the way things used to be, but don't ignore the progress you've made."

"Yeah, sure." He'd be excited about progress when he could move his feet.

"Have your nightmares gotten any better?"

Yuri shrugged, and trying to do that while also controlling the wheels threw off his precarious sense of balance. He caught himself before falling forward resettled himself with a frustrated grunt. "Yeah, I guess it's been a bit better." Talking everything over with Estelle the other day had helped ease the load, but not eliminated it completely.

"That's good. Do you think you'd feel up to testifying at Carter's trial in two weeks?"

Yuri quickly looked up at him. "You've got the dates set?"

"Yes. I can postpone it if you'd rather."

"No, that's great. The sooner that asshole goes to the gallows the better."

"And you're prepared to tell the jury everything?"

Yuri nodded. He was still hesitant about the idea of spilling his beans to a roomful of strangers, but if it would help condemn Carter, he'd grit his teeth and get over it. When they reached the door to his room, he spotted Malcolm sitting in the hallway. Malcolm spent a lot of his time silently people-watching from the hallway, and today he glared at the door to Yuri's room.

"Hey," Yuri said, rolling to a halt. "Something up?"

Malcolm just gave the door a suspicious look and glared at Flynn. Malcolm didn't seem to like Flynn very much, but as far as Yuri knew, Malcolm didn't like anybody very much so he wouldn't take it personally. If Malcolm wasn't going to explain what was up, Yuri would just let Flynn open the door and head inside.

He stopped and let Flynn get it. To be honest, he had no idea how to open it. How to efficiently pull open a door without it getting caught on the chair in front of it was a lesson he'd yet to receive, so for now he had to either hope someone was with him to get the doors for him or fumble around and slam it against his feet a few times. Figuring out how to close a door behind him was so advanced he didn't even bother trying.

Yuri rolled into the dark room and Flynn switched on the light.

"Happy birthday!"

The chorus startled him and on instinct he reached for a sword that wasn't there. A second later he realized what he was looking at and dropped his hand. "What are you guys doing here?"

"We came to wish you a happy birthday, of course!" Estelle grinned brightly beneath a hand-painted banner which read "Happy Birthd" in bold letters right up to the edge of the paper, and then "ay" squeezed below it. The bland hospital room was filled with balloons and smiling faces, and the table across from the bed was home to a small pile of wrapped gifts and a cake.

"How did you know it was my birthday?"

"Flynn told us, of course!" Karol stepped forward and smacked Yuri's shoulder. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"I really didn't think it was a big deal." He rolled further into the room, not quite sure what to do with himself. The closest he'd ever come to a birthday celebration was when Flynn's mom baked cupcakes when he was little. He'd never had a proper party thrown in his honour before, and certainly never a surprise party in a hospital room. A quick glance at Flynn's beaming face told him Flynn was in on this, and suggesting they stay longer in the exercises room was probably part of the plan to give the others time to set up. It felt weird to be getting presents when no one else was, though he couldn't deny the sight of the cake made his mouth water. He'd only been eating solid foods for less than a week, and certainly the health-conscious hospital hadn't given him anything like that beautiful mound of chocolate icing. "Besides, I thought you guys were leaving town."

"We couldn't leave before your birthday," Judith said. "What kind of friends would we be if we left you to celebrate alone in a hospital?"

"Not that this is the best celebration." Raven leaned against the wall with a smirk. "Ideally a man's birthday should be celebrated with a bender, but I don't think the nursin' staff would be keen on that."

"Absolutely not!" Estelle planted her fists on her hips. "Yuri can't go out drinking when he's still healing! A sugary cake is bad enough."

"It sure looks good, though." Yuri found he'd somehow drifted closer to the cake without realizing it, and wondered if the floor was slanted. "Wait - Flynn, you didn't have a hand in this, did you?"

Flynn rolled his eyes and shook his head. "No, I promise I didn't touch the cake."

"Judith and I made it," Karol said proudly.

"Hey, now, ya had help from the old man too!" Raven butted it.

Judith just smiled at him. "I'm not sure if licking the bowl counts as helping."

"Save the cake for later," Rita said from next to Estelle. "Open your presents."

"All right. What should I open first?" He had never before had  _multiple_  presents to choose from.

"Here, open this one!" Karol grabbed a box off the table and held it out with a proud smile.

Yuri took it in his hands, but the weight surprised him and it dropped to his lap. Yuri examined the wrapped gift while his friends crowded around. There weren't enough chairs in the room so they were all standing around him, which was annoying. It seemed rude to tell them to back off when they were giving him presents, though, even if he did hate it when people stood over him. Flynn seemed to realize this, because he was the only one who'd dragged the chair over so he could sit.

The box was wrapped in blue paper and tied with a bow, with a small tag that read "To Yuri" on the top in Karol's handwriting. Beneath that, he had apparently wavered between whether it was cool between guys to tag something with 'love' or if he and Yuri were on 'from' terms. He'd started writing an L that turned into an F, and the result was a line that read, "Erom Karol." Karol himself stood next to Yuri, which wasn't actually that bad because now he and Karol were about the same height. Yuri pulled off the ribbon and ripped away the paper, and then opened the box to discover the reason it was so heavy was that it contained a small dumbbell, the kind you lifted with one arm.

Yuri looked from the weight to his skinny arms and then to a nervous Karol. With a smirk he asked, "Are you trying to tell me something?"

Karol's mouth and eyes widened. "Wh-what?! No! Just - I thought you might like - it was Flynn's idea!" He pointed accusingly.

Flynn held up his hands. "Lady Estellise suggested it initially."

"Heh, it's fine, Captain." Yuri hefted the box, hating how he had to strain both arms to lift it, back to the table. He really did need to give his arms a workout. "Thanks a lot. I'll be back in shape in no time."

"Here, Yuri, open this one!" Estelle pushed another box into his hands. "It's from Rita and me."

This box was wrapped in fancy white paper flecked with silver, with a tag covered in Estelle's neat, curly writing. She hadn't hesitated to write, "For Yuri, Love Estelle and Rita." Under the paper, he first found a book. He didn't recognize the title but it seemed to be another adventure story about knights or monsters or something.

"Rita helped me pick it out," Estelle said quickly. "I hope you don't mind getting more books."

"No, it's great." He set it on the table. "Really, thanks. I'm enjoying reading a lot more than I thought I would."

"Wow, Yuri, I never would have expected you of all people to become a reader," Rita said teasingly. "Anyway, I wanted to get you a practical book, like an introduction to physics, but Estelle insisted on fiction."

"Thanks for saving me, Estelle."

She giggled. "I told you he wouldn't appreciate a textbook, Rita. Yuri, open the box. There's another thing from us, too."

Beneath the book was a smooth white box, and when he pulled off the lid he found a pair of leather gloves. They were smooth and flexible, and fleece lined the inside. He turned them over in his hands and immediately realized where Estelle was coming from. The leather would give him a decent grip on the metal rims of his wheels without his hands getting cold. "Nice."

"This one is from me." Judith handed him a small, narrow box.

When Yuri unwrapped it and found a dagger, he had to chuckle. "Trust Judy to get me something deadly. Thanks."

She smiled, but didn't comment. Of course he could use a dagger now that fighting with a sword was out. Just a small weapon he could defend himself with while sitting down.

"Here." Raven handed him a bag stuffed with tissue paper. In a low voice he muttered, "Look through this one when you're alone, ok?"

Yuri had a sneaking suspicion that whatever was in the bag was going to irritate him. He pushed aside the paper and only had to see the top of a magazine before looking up with annoyance. "Old man, did you get me porn?"

Raven smiled sheepishly. "H-hey, I said look at it later."

"What is it?" Karol reached for the bag.

"No!" Flynn leapt to his feet and grabbed it before Karol could look. He held it protectively against his chest while Estelle's face gradually turned red like a lobster in a pot.

"Let me see," Judith said, leaning over Flynn's shoulder. Before Flynn could stop her, she pulled the magazine out of the bag and glanced at the cover. "Hm… I've seen bigger." She let it fall back into the bag and Flynn slammed the opening closed to keep the magazine concealed.

"You think that's funny?" Rita demanded.

Raven held up his hands while Rita turned on him. "Whoa, hey, it's just a gift between two guys!"

Flynn set the offending package on Yuri's bedside table and cleared his throat. "I think we should move on to the next gift."

"What's left?" Estelle ask, looking around the table. The only thing still sitting there was a small cube covered in plain red paper, that looked like it might be a jewellery box of some kind. By process of elimination it had to be from Flynn, but he couldn't imagine why Flynn would be getting him jewellery so he found the box quite intriguing.

"There's one more important one," Flynn said. "But it's outside. Let's take the cake out front and eat it there. It's not that cold today."

Outside? What could they give him that was outside? In any case, the rest of the group started putting coats and hats back on while Yuri tried to remember where his boots were. Judith found them by the bed and handed them over.

Ah, yes, the struggle with shoes. He hadn't worn shoes since before his injury. He wouldn't bother at all if he didn't want to avoid hypothermia through his feet. He leaned over as far as he could to reach his foot, but lost his balance and fell forward, only stopped from hitting the ground by Judith catching him.

"Careful." She helped him back into his seat and then asked, "Would you like some help?"

Yuri glared at his boots but reluctantly admitted, "Yeah." With Judith's help, they managed to work his feet into the boots and then she tied them to keep him from having to lean too far over. This was only for a little while, he told himself. A week ago, he couldn't even sit up. He'd figure out how to dress himself without help eventually.

Estelle carried the cake and led the way out of the room. Yuri appreciated how the others took care not to walk too quickly so he could keep up even though he was already exhausted. They went out the side door and Yuri rolled down the ramp. He slipped on the new gloves from Estelle and was pleased to find he could actually get a grip on the rims. "Where are we going?"

"This way," Rita said, gesturing back to the front of the hospital. It was slow going, because even though he could grip the rims without his hands sliding everywhere, snow on the ground still clogged the wheels and made it hard to push. He could tell Flynn was just itching to offer help, but to his credit he stayed back and let Yuri take care of it himself.

Just as they rounded to the front of the building, Yuri heard a bark and then a streak of blue dashed toward him. Yuri sat up as much as he could. "Repede?"

With a woof, Repede leapt onto his lap, pushing the chair back a few inches before the snow stopped him. His front paws left wet, muddy prints on Yuri's pants, but Yuri couldn't bring himself to care as he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Repede's neck. Repede let out a series of whines and barks between covering Yuri's face in enough slobber he feared it would freeze into an icy mask. "I missed you, too, buddy."

Flynn smiled. "He's been bugging me to come visit for ages."

"It's too bad the hospital doesn't let dogs inside," Judith said.

Karol clutched his arms and shivered. "Yeah. He can't go in but we can't stay outside for too long."

"We can stay long enough to eat cake, though," Estelle said, setting it on the hospital steps and sitting down.

The rest of the group looked around for a place to sit that was mostly clear of snow, but Yuri was ahead of the game with a padded seat already taken care of. At least he had that going for him. Estelle cut the cake and passed out plates, and the whole group sat around on the cold steps to eat chocolate cake. Repede sat by Yuri's side and rested his head on his lap, while conversations wandered from Karol and Judith's plans once they got back to Dahngrest in a couple of days to how scummy Raven was for giving Yuri a porn magazine. Even though it was a fairly cold day, Yuri hadn't been this happy since he could walk. If this was what a birthday party could be when he was stuck in the hospital, he wished he'd had a chance to experience one when he was healthy.

The rest of the group didn't leave until the entire cake was gone and they'd sat outside long enough that Yuri wasn't the only one who'd lost feeling in his extremities. He gave Repede one last scratch behind the ears, said goodbye to the others and thanked them again for the gifts, and then headed inside with Flynn. The whole way back to his room, Yuri noticed a dumb grin on Flynn's face.

"What's got you so cheerful?" Yuri asked as Flynn held the door open for him.

"You," Flynn said simply. Inside, he took off his hat and coat and then helped Yuri with his boots. "I haven't seen you this happy in a while."

"I don't know If I'd say I'm 'happy', but I guess I feel ok today." It was hard to be properly happy when every emotion had to sneak past an ocean of being pissed off at life, but he had to admit that today had been pretty good comparatively.

"I'm glad." He finished taking off the second boot and Yuri rolled to the table to examine the knife from Judith. "You still have one more present to open."

Yuri's eyes fell on the small box still sitting on the table. "That had better not be a ring."

Flynn smacked the back of Yuri's head. "Why would I get you jewellery?" He handed the box to Yuri and leaned against the table. "Open it."

Yuri gave Flynn a suspicious glance and ripped apart the paper of the ring-sized box. Inside was what looked suspiciously like a jewellery box, but Yuri gave Flynn the benefit of the doubt and pulled off the lid. He didn't know what he expected, but a key was certainly not it. "It's… a key?" He glanced around the room to see if there was a box he'd missed. "Is my actual present in a locked box somewhere?"

"No, that's your present. It's… kind of symbolic, I guess. That's a key to my house."

Yuri looked down at the key again, as if this new information would suddenly make things make sense. "You're giving me your house? No offense, but I'm not sure we've been dating long enough to justify a present as elaborate as a house."

"No, not like that! I'm still living there, I just want you to have a key."

Yuri mocked offense. "What, so I have to  _share_  my present? I thought your fancy new job meant we wouldn't have to share all our stuff anymore."

"That's not it either!" Flynn shook his head in frustration. "I just meant… I want you to feel at home in my home. With your own key, you can get in there if you're in town even if I'm not. I'm not giving you my house, but I'm telling you that you'll always be welcome there whenever you need it."

He scanned the small brass key with new understanding. He'd been about to say that if Flynn wasn't in town, he'd just go to his own place, but that wasn't really an option anymore. The last time he'd had to get into Flynn house when Flynn was out, he'd climbed in through the second storey window. That wasn't going to happen anytime soon, either. He pulled the key out of the box and closed his fist over it. "Thanks." After a quick survey of the rest of his presents sitting on the table, he added, "And thanks for all this, too."

"All I did was tell the others when your birthday was. You could have mentioned it yourself."

Yuri waved his hand and wheeled away toward the window. "Why would I have? Not like I thought anything would come of it."

"Things have certainly changed since we were kids."

"They've changed a lot since just last year." One year ago today, Yuri had been sitting in his room in the lower quarter, looking out at the snowy streets and wondering what adventures the great Flynn was getting up to wherever he was. Hanks had stopped by to give him a plate of cookies and wish him a happy birthday, and in the evening he'd gone out to drink with some acquaintances at the tavern, none of whom knew it was his birthday. In just one year, he'd left home for the first time, met some of the most amazing people in the world, helped Flynn rise through the ranks so they could finally move their dream forward, played a role it stopping the destruction of the planet, initiated a relationship with Flynn, and started a promising new career with a guild. It had certainly been a busy year. Of course, not everything that had changed since his twenty-first birthday was good - he'd  _walked_  to the tavern when he was twenty-one.

"It's good to be twenty-two," Yuri said while looking out the window. "I like the half of the year when we're the same age."

"I'm still six months older than you," Flynn pointed out while crossing to stand behind Yuri. In the growing dark outside, Flynn's reflection on the glass was easier to see than the street.

"Yeah, but it feels different."

Flynn leaned forward resting his arms on Yuri's shoulders. "Whatever you say."

"Do you want the magazine Raven oh-so-kindly got for me?"

Yuri watched Flynn's expression turn to confusion in his reflection. "Why would you offer it to me?"

"I feel like looking at porn without being able to… you know, do anything about it would just be depressing." The issue of losing all sensation in his penis bummed him out almost as much as the walking thing. He'd experimented once a few days ago just to see if he still could, and all he'd achieved was the most pathetic excuse for an erection in the world and one very awkward nurse learning the importance of knocking.

Flynn's cheeks began to redden. "I don't have any interest in a magazine filled with scantily clad women. You know that."

"Oh, right, sorry. Too bad I didn't get one with sexy men, huh? I could probably find one for you."

Flynn's weight on his shoulders shifted and his face reddened further. "No, Yuri, that's really not necessary."

"Just trying to help."

"You don't have to find porn for me."

"Right, sorry. Obviously you've been finding it fine by yourself for years."

Flynn straightened up. "No!"

"Where did you hide your stash while living in the barracks?"

"I do not have a porn stash, Yuri!"

"Yeah, that's probably true. You're such a square."

Flynn crossed his arms and turned away. "I've been far too busy working on my career to acquire such things."

"But that brings us back to the subject of who should I give that magazine to? Karol, maybe."

Flynn whipped his head around. "He's a child!"

"He'll appreciate it in a few years. Maybe Estelle."

Yuri wasn't sure if Flynn was more confused or embarrassed. "Why would you give a magazine of naked women to Lady Estellise?"

Yuri stared at Flynn for a long moment. "Well, I'm pretty sure she's… actually, no, I think I'll let you figure this out by yourself." While the gears in Flynn's romantically-oblivious brain slowly clicked together, Yuri turned himself around and changed the subject. "So how's the trial going to work? They're not going to come here, are they?"

Flynn switched to professional mode seamlessly. "No, that would be ridiculous. You'll have to go to the courthouse. On the day of the trial, I'll send someone to pick you up and take you to the courthouse." He noticed Yuri having to bend his neck to look up at him and backed up to sit on the side of the bed. "All you have to do is show up, tell the jury what Carter did to you, and answer any questions. It shouldn't take more than an hour."

Yuri nodded. "Sounds easy enough."

Flynn hesitated, his fingers tightening on the edge of the mattress. "Yuri, there's another thing… you're not going to like this."

Yuri wryly curved his lip. "I haven't like a lot of things recently. What now?"

"The defence is trying to get sympathy for Carter by playing up the fact that he's dying and how weak and ill he is. I don't know if it will work, but the fact is that the jury is made up of upper-class citizens who don't have a high opinion of you in the first place. Making them sympathetic to you over Carter is important."

Yuri already saw where Flynn was going with this. "So you want me to play the role of the poor helpless cripple?"

Flynn winced. "Yes."

Yuri scowled and drummed his fingers on the armrest. The prospect of purposefully presenting himself as weak and helpless didn't sit well with him, but he did see where Flynn was coming from. If it was just an act for the jury… well, he'd acted before. He could handle this for an hour if it helped condemn Carter. "Fine."

"Really?"

"Yeah. If it'll help, I'll do it."

"Thanks."

Yuri rolled up to the side of the bed. "Just promise me you'll make sure he gets as much punishment as possible."

Flynn nodded once, firmly. "I'm as keen to see that happen as you are. Nobody hurts you like this and gets away with it." He reached forward, intending to kiss Yuri, but their knees bumped. Flynn glanced down and hesitated. "This is kind of a difficult position."

"You need to get closer. Come here." He clicked on the brakes and grabbed Flynn, pulling him forward until his knees hit the seat of Yuri's chair.

Flynn cautiously rested his hands on Yuri's shoulders. "Is this ok? Won't you fall backward?"

"It's fine." He grabbed Flynn's waist and pulled him close, until Flynn was kneeling on the chair and sitting on Yuri's lap.

Flynn settled himself so he wouldn't fall and wrapped his arms around Yuri's neck as his lips went to Yuri's mouth. After a long kiss, he pulled away long enough to say, "Happy birthday, Yuri."

And with Flynn sitting so close to him and the promise of Carter getting convicted soon, Yuri actually did feel pretty happy.


	8. A Dose of Reality

Flynn sat in his office, finishing lunch with Estelle. She happily told him about Rita's scientific breakthroughs, which neither of them properly understood, but her enthusiasm for Rita's work was endearing. Lunch with Estelle had become a habit for them, because Rita so often worked through lunch and neither of them wanted to eat alone.

"Also," Estelle said as she wrapped up her discussion of Rita, "Karol and the others left yesterday afternoon. They went to say goodbye to Yuri first, though. I think he's pretty sad to see them go."

"Yes, I imagine he would be." Flynn had noticed Yuri's dower mood when he visited last night. As much as Yuri had insisted Karol and Judith get back to work in Dahngrest, his good mood from the past few days after his birthday had noticeably declined with the reality of being left behind. Still, it wasn't completely hopeless. Every time he visited he still found Yuri in his chair rather than lying in bed. The day before yesterday, Yuri hadn't even been in his room and Flynn had to wait fifteen minutes for him to show up, because he'd been off exploring and chatting with other patients. "He said it's only for a little while and that he intends to rejoin them on missions as soon as possible."

Estelle frowned and wiped her mouth as she finished the last bite of her sandwich. "Does he mean go with them on foot the way he used to, or from the chair?"

"I'm not really sure. He claims he fully intends to walk again, but even if he manages that I doubt he would have nearly the strength or agility to fight the way he used to. And if he means going in a chair… I don't see how that would work. I would worry about him going into fights."

"I'm afraid he's going to get hurt trying to do things he used to be able to."

"For now, I suppose we should be grateful he's under watch in the hospital and not left to his own devices." As much as Yuri hated staying in the hospital, it really was best for him. He was making progress every day and even if his paralysis hadn't improved, he was gradually strengthening his upper body and learning how to navigate in a chair.

"What about Zagi? Are you going to have him executed?"

Flynn slowly pushed his finished plate to the side. "I'm… not sure. For now we've moved him to a secure prison." As obvious as Zagi's crimes were, they couldn't ignore that fact that Estelle had made an agreement with him that Yuri Lowell would be the one to fight him to the death. Executing him without giving him the fight he'd been promised was unethical. Surely no one would protest, but getting away with breaking the rules didn't excuse you for doing it. You didn't get to pick and choose which people deserved justice.

"Does Zagi know what happened to Yuri?"

"We've told him, but I'm not sure he understands." When Zagi had gone on yet another temper tantrum about wanting to fight Yuri, Flynn had curtly explained that Yuri had been permanently injured and was not physically capable of fulfilling his side of the bargain. Zagi had simply shouted about lying and wanting to see Yuri and in general being more in denial about the permanence of Yuri's injury than Yuri was himself.

After a knock on the door, Teller stepped in holding a folder. "Sorry to interrupt, Commandant. Do you have a minute?"

"No, it's fine, please come in." He always had time for Carter's prosecutor.

"I thought I would let you know I spoke with Yuri Lowell this morning." She placed her folder on his desk. "He gave me a complete witness statement. It's nothing you haven't already told me, but it was good to hear myself. I wrote it down and had him sign it, so this will be the official story taken to court."

Flynn opened the folder and scanned the document. He found it hard to swallow while reading, because Teller's neat handwriting wrote down every detail as an impersonal report. He closed the folder before he could read too much more. "Thank you."

"He told you everything without protest?" Estelle looked up with a smile.

Teller nodded. "Yes. He seemed slightly hesitant but spoke without me needing to encourage him." She picked up her folder again and glanced over the report. "Everything he said corroborates the statement you already gave, Commandant, as well as the medical reports. I don't think there will be any problem proving what happened in the catacombs."

"What about the other murders?" Flynn asked.

Teller's confidence slipped. "Well… that's a little more difficult. Our case is as solid as it's going to be. We've done everything we can."

"Hopefully it will be enough."

Teller took her file, bid them both farewell, and left. Estelle left a few minutes later, clearing the plates and letting Flynn get back to work. Flynn found it so difficult to concentrate on work lately. In the past, his job always had his undivided attention, but now his attention was constantly split between work on the hospital. Worrying about Yuri ate up his time and it was hard to focus on banal reports when his mind insisted on daydreaming about worst-case scenarios. More than once, Sodia came in to give him something and found him staring pensively at the wall. After a month of this, she knew perfectly well that it was Yuri causing him distraction, but they'd argued enough about how detrimental to his productivity his relationship with Yuri was in the first week that she didn't bring it up.

When 6:00 rolled around, he'd somehow managed to get the majority of his work done. He put what was left in a folder to take home and made his way to the hospital. His smile was still on his face when he entered Yuri's room, but it dimmed when he found Yuri lying in bed and staring at the window. "Hi, Yuri. Are you feeling all right?"

He looked over and forced a smile. "Hey. I'm all right."

"Are you sure? You look kind of down." He sat by the side of the bed and tried not to feel like they were taking a step backward. This wasn't the same as the beginning, because Yuri was wearing his own clothes and sitting propped up by pillows.

Yuri shrugged one shoulder. "Just kind of sore today. You know what's bullshit? My legs hurt."

Flynn straightened up. "You can feel them? That's great!"

Yuri shook his head. "Nope. Still can't feel them, they just  _ache_. Ghost pain or something."

Flynn's excitement drooped. "Phantom pain, you mean." He'd heard of that. People with amputated limbs often felt pain from a limb they no longer had. It certainly didn't indicate any nerves were working again, since it happened even when those nerves no longer existed.

"Whatever it's called, it's bullshit."

"Is there nothing your doctor can do?"

Yuri shook his head. "I've had so many lemon gels today I can't get the taste out of my mouth and it still hurts."

Flynn frowned because there wasn't anything he could suggest. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I talked to your lawyer today."

"Yes, she told me. Did it go ok?"

"Yeah, no problem."

Flynn wondered if Yuri's grumpy mood was in part inspired by having to go over everything again. "Thank you for that. It will really help."

"It'd better."

"Did you do anything else today?" It was nice now that Yuri could get out of bed. He actually had things to do during the day and wasn't so constantly bored. Of course, this meant his interest in the minutiae of Flynn's job had noticeably waned, but Flynn didn't mind.

"Rehab. Fell on my ass more than a few times trying to transfer without a board. Stretches and exercise - the usual. Malcolm started walking today."

"Who?"

Yuri jerked his thumb at the door. "You know, the guy across the hall. The one who doesn't speak but glares judgmentally at everyone who passes."

"Oh, right. The one who doesn't like me." He was a bit hurt by this, because he'd been told the man was a knight injured on the field. As the commandant, he couldn't help but feel responsible for sending him into the situation that caused his injury, even if indirectly through a captain, and wondered if Malcolm resented him for that reason.

"He doesn't like anybody. I'm not even sure if he likes me and he's the closest thing to a friend I have in here. Anyway, I saw him shuffling around with a walker today. He's improving a lot."

"Good for him." He spoke carefully, because although Yuri said it with a slight smile and casual air, Flynn noticed a tense tone underneath. Envy, perhaps, that his buddy was progressing and getting out of his chair while Yuri still couldn't, and probably never would.

Yuri was about to speak when his leg kicked. Flynn leaned back in surprise while Yuri growled and grabbed his knee, pressing it into the mattress. "Stay still, dammit!"

Flynn grimaced. "More spasms?"

"They give me this thing in the morning that's supposed to make them go away but it's wearing off too early." He gripped both his legs for almost a minute until the spasms subsided. "This is such bullshit. My legs ache, but I can't actually feel them. They move, but I can't actually control them. I'm just so  _sick_  of this." He pulled back and slammed his fist into the mattress while turning his head away, closing his eyes, and letting out a deep breath through clenched teeth.

Flynn waited for him to move, noticing a fragile mood when he saw one.

After a moment and a few deep breaths, Yuri shook his head and crossed his arms. "Sorry. I'm just… in a bad mood today."

"It's ok. Do you want to talk about it?"

Yuri's frown said he very much didn't, but he still remembered Estelle's lecture about rejecting help so he sighed, leaned against the pillow and muttered, "I just really want to stand up. I'm frustrated, that's all."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

Yuri looked up with that cocky grin of his. "Yeah, keep visiting. Every time I look at your ugly mug I feel better about my haircut."

Flynn smiled with a slight shake of his head. "I enjoy seeing you every day, too, Yuri."

* * *

Rehab was exhausting. The simple act of going about his day wore him out, and that was without spending the entire day transferring in and out of his chair for practice, stretching his muscles (which meant someone else grabbed his legs and stretched them for him), and getting lessons on such simple topics like how to dress himself and how to take care of bathroom issues without a nurse. These were all useful things to know, but frustrating to learn. Besides, this was all temporary knowledge because he wouldn't need it once he healed properly.

In the evening a few days before Carter's trial, Yuri lay on his back in bed, taking a well-earned rest. The muscles in his arms were gradually building up again, thanks in part to working out with the dumbbell Karol had given him whenever he had time to spare, but his legs got progressively skinnier. There wasn't anything he could do about the muscles wasting away, and he imagined ending up looking like a bird with a big muscular body and scrawny stick-legs. Flynn had left a few hours ago, and it was almost time for lights out. He was tired, but not quite ready to go to sleep yet. It was only ten at night, and he was trying to get back to his old self who rarely hit the hay before midnight.

Right on cue, the door opened and a nurse entered, signalling bed time. Yuri suppressed a groan. Fantastic, his old friend Grandma Smiley was on shift tonight. She looked about as happy to see him as she would to suck on a lemon. "Good evening, Mr. Lowell."

He rolled back and forth for a couple of seconds, building up momentum before struggling upright. "Hey. Are you the one that's going to help me tonight? What a treat." The downside of wearing real clothes and not a hospital gown was that he had to change into and out of pyjamas twice a day. Well, the nurses insisted he did. He claimed he'd be happy lounging in sweats all day but they had something about 'laundry' and 'hygiene'. Wearing the same clothes day in and day out had never bothered him while travelling, but apparently it was a big deal. He supposed that was what he got for staying at a fancy noble hospital. The real problem was that he was still working on getting dressed by himself, which meant he still had to deal with some nurse he probably didn't like coming in every night and every morning to help him put his underwear on.

"Indeed, Mr. Lowell. A treat. Here are your sleeping clothes." His dresser was tiny and also on the other side of the room, so ultimately not very useful, but it did mean that he didn't have to keep everything in a bag. Still, the nurses were in it much more often than he was. Smiley handed him his clothes and without a word he switched shirts. He liked shirts; they were easy to put on. The trouble came when he unbuttoned his pants and then had to lie down. He was slowly getting better at this, but he still got stuck when he got the waistband to mid-thigh. Smiley let him thrash in the bed for almost a minute before stepping in to help him pull the pants the rest of the way off.

"Gee, thanks."

"It's important that you do as much as you can by yourself."

Yuri didn't believe she had his best interests in mind for one second. While she pulled them off, he fantasized about all the things he wanted to say to her when she no longer had control over his life. Things were certainly much better for him than when he'd been completely motionless on his back, but it would still be alarmingly easy for someone to screw him over. It probably wasn't smart to antagonize the person who controlled his medication.

Before putting his sweat pants on, Grandma Smiley emptied the catheter bag. While she did, it occurred to Yuri that he hadn't actually gone to the bathroom in over a month. It was a weird thing to miss, but in some ways these little things were even more disheartening than the major loss of mobility. Everyone in the world, from kings to peasants, felt that sweet release when you finally pissed after holding it for a while - except for him. Being about to feel and control his bladder would go a long way to helping him feel normal again.

That taken care of, he struggled into his sweatpants and then manoeuvred his legs under the blanket.

"Give me your arm."

He glared at her suspiciously. "What for?"

"Blood sample." She produced a syringe, and Yuri slowly lifted his arm, suppressing a sigh. He couldn't wait to get out of the hospital so people would stop poking and prodding him all day.

The needle punctured his forearm with a slight sting. "Oh, dear." Yuri had only heard that level of sarcastic 'distress' from himself. "I missed the vein." She twisted the needle still in his arm, sending a shock of pain radiating out.

Yuri winced. "Are you doing this on purpose?"

"I would never." She twisted the syringe a few more times until she finally found the vein, while gripping his wrist tight with her other hand to keep him from jerking away. Blood steadily filled the clear glass tube while his arm still throbbed from her attempt to find his vein with the delicacy of a blindfolded bull. When the syringe was full, she slipped it out and said, "There. Don't be so fussy."

"I wouldn't be 'fussy' if you knew how to do your job. I'll let you know when I want someone to impersonate a vampire, shall I?" She had done that on purpose, he was sure of it.

"Stop complaining and go to sleep."

"I'm staying up a bit later. Leave the light on for now."

"I'm not coming back to get it later."

"Then I'll turn it off myself." He crossed his arms and met her eyes with defiance. "I am capable of that, you know." It certainly wasn't a walk in the park to cross the room and get the light, but he was getting better at transferring every day and could handle getting from bed to chair and back with only minor difficulty.

"And what will you do if you fall? You still can't manage floor transfers. Lights out time is lights out." She turned away and walked to the door.

"Hey!" Yuri grabbed the bars of the headrest and pulled himself up. "What the hell is your problem with me!?"

She hesitated and turned back before flipping off the light. "What do you mean, Mr. Lowell?"

"Don't give me that. It's been obvious since day one you hate my guts. You could at least do me the favour of telling me why."

Smiley stared at him for a moment, and then marched up to the side of the bed. "Very well, Mr. Lowell. To be perfectly blunt, you don't belong here."

He raised in eyebrow. "An injured person doesn't belong at a hospital? That's a new one."

"This is a hospital in the royal quarter, intended to serve the health needs of people of rank and status. We treat ill nobility and return them to health so that they can continue their service to the empire. We are  _not_  intended as a nursing home for hopeless cases, and especially not for low-class Imperial deserters. That Flynn Scifo may think he deserves the treatment of a noble now since he was given the title of commandant, but I don't know where he got the idea he can expect a prestigious establishment like ours to look after his… his  _concubine_."

"His  _what_?" So many things she'd said were offensive, he didn't even know where to start. He didn't care if she looked down on him for being part of the Union or because he wasn't rich, but implying that nobles in general did 'service to the empire' and thus deserved better treatment was such a load of shit, and insulting Flynn by implying he just kept Yuri around for the sex was inexcusable. "I don't care if you don't like me, but Flynn is the best thing to happen to this empire in decades."

Smiley just rolled her eyes, not dignifying it with a response. "Ultimately, what matters is that I have other, far more important, patients to treat who have a place in our empire and actually have a chance of recovering."

"What's that supposed to mean? If I was actively dying, I feel like I'd be aware of that."

Smiley crossed her arms and looked down her nose at him. Damn, it would be great to stand up so he could be even with her. "You may have scraped through the acute stage - thanks entirely to the generosity of Lady Estellise - but it seems a waste to me to spend so much time and resources on you when in all likelihood you'll die soon anyway."

In the midst of his anger, a trickle of dread managed to emerge. Grandma Smiley might be a bitch, but she knew a lot more about medicine than he did. "Oh yeah?" He kept his voice cocky, unwilling to let her know he was worried. "What from? And don't say neglect from having terrible nurses - I already know that's a problem for me."

"Kidney failure. Urinary tract infections. Intestinal obstruction. Blood clots in your legs. Pressure ulcers. Increased risk of pneumonia. I assure you the possible causes are numerous and letting you believe you're in the clear because you didn't immediately die of blood loss and shock is irresponsible. I suppose if you stay in the commandant's favour and he lets you live out of his pocket you might survive a while with adequate medical intervention, if you're all right with being a constant burden on one of the busiest and most influential men in the empire."

Yuri's lip curled. "I don't have intention of living out of Flynn's pocket."

Smiley held up her hands. "That's not my concern. Do you know why you never see other people on the street with injuries like yours? Because they're dead. People who can't afford hundreds of thousands of gald per year in medical expenses do not survive. Will you be able to afford it once the commandant tires of you?"

No, he definitely couldn't afford hundreds of thousands of gald per year. Brave Vesperia made enough to get by, but only the highest members of the most influential guilds would be able to afford something like that. He'd been so focused on recovering that he hadn't put much thought into the financial side of this, but he wasn't actually sure how much money all the medications he was taking cost. He was familiar with average medications like cure bottles and poison bottles, but how did that compare to bottles with highly specialized medicine, like the muscle relaxer he had to take to keep his legs from jerking all over the place? Where would he even buy that once he was out of the hospital? Between Estelle and Flynn, they could afford these expenses with little difficulty, but the thought of mooching off them for the rest of his life made him feel sick.

"Maybe this is cruel," she didn't sound like she cared at all, "but it's about time someone gave you a dose of reality. If you haven't regained any movement or sensation at this point, the possibility of that happening eventually is next to zero. Even if you were a noble worth investing in, the best we would be able to do is help you eke out a living, likely in the care of a family member. As it stands, I hope you have a plan for where you're going to finance your medical expenses once the commandant realizes your paralysis makes you quite undesirable as a sexual partner." She turned away with a huff. At the door, she stopped to turn off the light. "I am a professional and I will do my job to keep you alive, but I'm not going to console you with false promises or encourage unrealistic goals that will inevitably lead to disappointment. It's about time you stopped acting like all you broke is your leg. Goodnight, Mr. Lowell." The light went off and the door slammed shut.

Yuri sat still once she left, mind racing a mile a minute. He didn't want to believe what she'd said, but it didn't sound like she was lying, either. How was he going to afford all this? He tried to do some quick math. He'd need, at the very least, a few apple gels a day to keep pain at a manageable level, and there were a few others he took daily that must be at least two or three hundred a bottle… That alone would be over three hundred thousand gald a year, and that was just the base level if he stayed healthy and didn't need treatment for any of those secondary conditions she'd mentioned. Karol had promised him he'd still get money from Brave Vesperia, but it wouldn't be nearly enough to cover everything. He really was going to need to rely on Flynn or Estelle buying things for him for the rest of his life if he wanted a decent way to live.

He slowly sank back down in bed. Slowly, because it wasn't a simple task and required him to reach under the blanket and wiggle his legs around. He folded his arms under his head and stared at the ceiling, deep in thought. What was he going to do with his life if this really was permanent? He couldn't be a burden on Flynn forever. Of course Flynn would pay any fee without hesitation, but he shouldn't have to. He squeezed his eyes tight. He  _had_  to recover, because he simply couldn't live like this.

* * *

Somehow, Yuri managed to fall into a restless sleep and woke up hours later in a dark room. Well, it wasn't  _a_  dark room; it was his hospital room, the same room he'd been stuck in for a month and a half. He had never hated a room more and he still had no idea when his release date was. It was like being in jail, except with more physical pain.

Something squeaked outside his room, accompanied by the drone of wheels skirting over wood. Before waking up, Yuri had been having some sort of bad dream. He couldn't remember it clearly beyond a vague sense of darkness and silence, but he was eager for a distraction to push those thoughts away. From the sound of it, someone was rolling around in the hall, and that seemed like a good idea. He grabbed the brass bars by his head and pulled himself upright, and then grabbed the chair and the board. Within a minute, he'd shuffled over the wooden bridge and into the chair. After adjusting his legs, he rolled to the door. He was starting to get the hang of this wheelchair thing, which was hard to celebrate because this wasn't something he wanted to get used to.

At the door, he braced himself with one hand, leaned forward to turn the knob, and then pushed forward to kick the door open with his feet. He didn't bother closing the door, because that would just make his life more difficult on the way back in. In the hall, he spotted Malcolm rolling around a corner and hurried to catch up. His wheels trundled over the smooth wooden floors, but he was faster than Malcolm because he had both arms to push himself with.

"Hey."

Around the corner, Malcolm looked over his shoulder, smiled, and waved.

"Where're you going?"

He shrugged one shoulder and spun his hand in a circle.

"Just around?" He pulled up next to him as Malcolm nodded. This must be a sight, he thought. A midnight wheelchair blockade in the hallway. "I had the same idea. We should get moving, though. Nurse Smiley will be around any time now to send us back to our rooms."

Malcolm nodded and shuddered, and then gestured forward. He led the way, Yuri pacing himself to keep from rolling ahead. He was admittedly a little envious that Malcolm was getting movement back in his leg, but his arm was still mostly useless and the inability to talk might infuriate Yuri even more than not walking. They kept going until they reached an empty room, the bed sitting neatly made and waiting for someone to fall ill. It took some tricky manoeuvring, but Yuri managed to twist around and reach the doorknob with one hand and push himself forward with the other without crashing into the door frame and pulled the door shut behind them.

"Great. Now we don't have to deal with her breathing down our necks." He rolled into the middle of the room and spun in a circle. He was still new at this, so pulling off fancy manoeuvres made him proud. "Do you know when you're getting out of here?"

Malcolm shrugged one shoulder.

"I don't either. I'm so ready to go home, though. I don't know how much longer I can deal with nurses and hospital food and being constantly monitored." His voice was flippant to hide the worry underneath. Everything Smiley had said haunted him, and he wondered just how well he'd fare once he left the hospital. The list of possible deadly complications hung at the back of his mind and it was starting to look like gaining any kind of movement below his injury would be the exception rather than the rule. "Hey, how long did it take after you were injured to start getting feeling back in your paralyzed half?"

Malcolm thought for a moment and then held out his hand and waved it back and forth. "Mm… uh…" His brow furrowed with concentration. "N-number… uh… two?" He nodded and held up two fingers.

Yuri sat up a little straighter. "Hey, you're getting speech back! That's great." And also infuriating, because he was improving and Yuri was not. "So, two what? Days? Weeks?"

"Uh!" he nodded at 'weeks'.

"Two weeks, huh? Not a lot, right? It came back kind of slowly?" Malcolm nodded along as he spoke to confirm. "Was it like when you get that tingling in your foot after you sit on it for a while?"

Malcolm nodded again.

"Well… good for you." Within two weeks of being injured, he'd started to get feeling back. Yuri had been injured for… about six weeks now, he thought, and he'd regained a fat lot of nothing. It wasn't fair. He reminded himself that Malcolm's injury was different from his, and maybe head injuries were less permanent than slicing through the spinal cord. Thinking that didn't make him feel any better.

"Mm?" He looked to Yuri's legs questioningly.

Yuri rolled his eyes and grabbed his knees. "No, I still can't feel anything. The only improvement since I got here is that my back is in  _slightly_  less constant pain." He suppressed a growl of frustration. "It's not improving and I'm starting to think it never will. I want to do things the way I used to, but I just… I  _can't,_ and it's the most frustrating thing in the world."

Malcolm nodded in sympathy.

"You get it, don't you? The others… they want to understand, but they don't. Nobody whose body is functioning properly can really understand how indescribably frustrating this is." He gripped the rims of his wheels and jerked back and forth, rocking a few inches forward and back. The jerky movement nearly sent him off balance, but he was getting better and staying upright. "This is it. This is my limit of moving. I'm dependant on people I hate, moving anywhere is a complicated effort of dragging myself around with my arms, I can't even  _piss_  by myself, and I just - I  _hate_  it!"

He took a few deep breaths. He didn't like complaining to Flynn or Estelle because they just gave him sympathetic looks and told him things would get better with time. Well, it was starting to look like things  _wouldn't_  get better and he didn't want their well-meaning platitudes. "I hate feeling so useless. I hate the way healthy people look at me with pity. I hate how exhausting it is to try to move my legs even though I achieve no actual movement. I hate all of it." It was easier to vent to Malcolm than anyone else. Unlike his friends who loved him but didn't understand, someone going through a similar injury understood what he was talking about so much more. He didn't have to feel self-conscious about admitting he was so angry it exhausted him to contain it all, because he was certain Malcolm felt the same way.

"What am I supposed to do if this doesn't get better? They can't really expect me to go the rest of my life in a wheelchair. That's just…" He shook his head in disgust. "That's not me. I can't live like this." Why couldn't any doctors do anything? It was their job to fix things like this. There had to be  _something_  they could do, and whatever that something was, he would take it. He had no interest in spending the rest of his life sitting down and waiting for something on that list of complications to kill him. He couldn't do this; he  _wouldn't_  do this.

He rested his elbows on the arm rests and buried his head in his hands. "You've been doing this for almost four months. How do you stand it? I've only been in the hospital for a month and a half and I'm ready to strangle everybody."

Malcolm shrugged.

"Don't tell me to be patient. I'm sick of this crap. I want to  _move_." He smashed his fist into his knee, desperate to feel any hint of sensation. "I know you get it - you were a knight. People like us aren't meant to lie around in the hospital for months."

Malcolm rolled closer and silently rested his hand on Yuri's shoulder with a slow nod.

He sighed heavily. "Sorry for rambling so much. I guess it's not really fair for me to go on a rant when you can't interrupt."

A shrug indicated Malcolm didn't seem to mind.

"I really am happy for you, you know. It's great that you're getting better."

Malcolm nodded and grinned and gestured at Yuri.

Yuri shook his head with a scowl. "Thanks for the enthusiasm, but… it's starting to look like recovery isn't a very realistic goal." The weight of reality threatened to crush him. Imagining a world where he  _never_  stood up again terrified him, but he fought the dread off by assuring himself everything would be ok. Even if he didn't walk again, that didn't mean he couldn't go back to living the way he used to. He'd just have to use ramps instead of stairs from now on. He could do this. After all, wasn't he gradually getting better in rehab?

He glanced to the door. "We should probably head back. I'm getting tired and Grandma Smiley is probably going to make her rounds soon. If she doesn't see us in bed she'll be more pissed than I feel like dealing with."


	9. Desperate Measures

Yuri sat at the table in his room, eating lunch. He had transferred to a normal chair, "for practice", so he almost felt normal. Of course, without the padded seat and arm rests to catch himself on, he kept nearly toppling to the side as his balance gave out, which was why he needed the practice.

Today was Carter's trial. It was probably already going on, but Flynn said he should stay in the hospital until it was absolutely necessary to leave. Estelle, Flynn, and Rita were busy at the courthouse, while Karol, Judith, and Raven were off in Dahngrest taking care of guild work. Meanwhile, he was stuck here, cutting up a piece of ham as he waited for someone to pick him up. He wasn't allowed to head over by himself; Dr. Burke said he wasn't independent enough yet to handle travelling through the snow without assistance. The fact that he was probably right pissed Yuri off even more.

He finished lunch and looked to the wheelchair innocuously sitting a few feet away.  _You can't get anywhere without me_ , it taunted. It was frustrating to have to struggle so much when he wanted to change positions. It wasn't just a matter of crossing from the chair to the bed; he had to go through all the effort of transferring to the wheelchair. Every time he wanted to move anywhere he had to think about whether it was worth the effort. In the past he wouldn't think twice about hopping out a window or running up some stairs, but now he found himself debating if crossing the room to grab a book from the nightstand was worth the effort.

This couldn't go on. He couldn't live like this for the rest of his life (which might actually be quite short if Smiley was right about all those health problems…). There had to be  _something_  he could feel, even if he couldn't move it. Light touches and pokes were too gentle to be picked up by his dulled nerves, but something must have survived. His legs jerked and spasmed, didn't they? If he could just rein in that movement…

He glared at his legs. Useless sacks of meat. There were no limits to how far he'd go to get any hint of feeling or movement back, because what harm could there be? He could hardly get  _more_  paralyzed than he already was, and the worst that could happen was that it killed him. Honestly, a life spent paralyzed wasn't worth preserving at the cost of not even trying to get something back. With that in mind, the problem must be that Dr. Burke simply hadn't tried hard enough to stimulate sensation. He was too concerned about being gentle, but numb limbs couldn't pick up gentle touches. He was going to need to try something that would cause a louder signal the nerves could pick up.

He pushed against the table and scooted back a bit, then grabbed one of his legs and rested it on the opposite knee. He rolled up his pant leg, which was loose and baggy. Sweatpants were much easier to coax onto paralyzed legs than tight, stiff fabric after all. He looked down at his leg, trying not to feel glum about how skinny it looked, and grabbed the knife.

He hesitated for only a second. If this worked, he'd feel something and it would be great. If it didn't, this wouldn't hurt at all. Either way, it couldn't hurt to try. The knife sliced across his calf, leaving a trail of red a couple of inches long. It was still about as painful as if he was cutting a slab of meat, so he must not be pressing hard enough. There had to be  _something_. It just didn't make sense that his body wouldn't be able to at least tell if he was getting stabbed.

He pressed harder, digging the knife into his leg. Blood pooled along his calf and his knuckles tightened around the shaft. Come  _on_! Feel something, dammit! This had to hurt - look how much blood there was! He just wanted to feel a tiny scrap of pain, any little signal that told him he'd know he was being stabbed if his eyes were closed. His teeth ground together and his eyes zeroed in on the blood running in rivulets to the floor.

 _Hurt. Come on, dammit, just let me_ feel _something!_ He had never wanted to feel pain so badly before. He wanted to hurt, he wanted to feel a deep ache radiating through his leg, he wanted the burn of metal biting muscle. Mostly, he wanted any tiny indication that there was life below his chest. Pain was hope, and he really needed some of that right now.

He twisted the knife until he felt it bump against bone. Finally, something happened. It wasn't pain though - no, cutting through his leg until he hit the bone hadn't hurt at all - but it did trigger a spasm. His knee kicked out and his foot smacked the wall under the table. His precious balance teetered and a second later he crashed to the floor. His elbow smacked the ground - which  _did_  hurt, but not where he wanted it too - and he lay on the floor in shock as he leg twitched and jerked, blood splattering the floor.

His heart pounded and arms tingled, because his body apparently knew it was losing blood even though he couldn't feel it. It was actually an interesting experience to feel his reaction to injury without any of the normal pain. He wriggled on his back to move away from the chair and drag his legs out from under the table. A bloody streak marked his progress and the leg kept spasming and getting blood everywhere.

The door opened. "Hello, Yuri, I - oh!" Cecilia was on him within seconds. He didn't even see her go to the bed but the next thing he knew she crouched over him and pressed his sheet against the wound.

"What happened?" Sodia stood in the doorway, eyeing the blood with concern.

"I was experimenting."

"Sodia, hold this," Cecilia looked back with alarm, as Sodia ran forward to take her place holding the sheet. Cecilia jumped up. "Stay there; I'll be right back."

She ran out, leaving Sodia kneeling beside him. "What did you do?!"

"I told you, I was experimenting." He gritted his teeth and dared her to say anything else. Everyone was going to blow this out of proportion. It's not like it hurt, so wasn't it worth a shot to see if he could get any kind of feeling out of it?

"By stabbing yourself? What is wrong with you?!"

"Stabbing me just looked so fun when you did it; I wanted to try myself."

Her expression tightened and it looked like she gripped his leg more firmly, though obviously he couldn't tell. Blood already soaked through the sheet while Yuri lay flat on his back. Adrenaline coursed through his veins but without the accompanying pain it just left him feeling buzzed. He could still see his leg twitching under Sodia's grip.

"Were you trying to make things worse for yourself? This situation is hard enough on Commandant Flynn without you escalating the problem."

"This has nothing to do with Flynn." He hadn't seen Sodia since before his abduction, and he'd like to keep it that way.

Cecilia ran back into the room with Dr. Burke right behind her. "Move aside," the doctor said, and Sodia pulled the sheet away so he could see the wound. "Give him a lemon gel."

Within a second, Cecilia shoved a lemon gel in his face. "Eat it." She wrapped an arm under his shoulders to help him sit up enough to swallow. Everyone wore tense faces, but Yuri wasn't too concerned. He'd had worse injuries and this one didn't even hurt. He was growing to hate lemon gels after eating them day after day for over a month, but within seconds of swallowing it, the wound healed over.

"Is he all right?" Sodia asked.

"I'm fine."

Dr. Burke wiped away the blood with a cloth and inspected the red line where the wound had been. "It looks like it's healed fully. Cecilia, wash the area and apply a bandage, just in case it reopens and he doesn't notice for a while. Mr. Lowell, why in the world did you do this?"

"I was just experimenting." How many times was he going to have to explain this? They all needed to stop looking at him like some kind of crazy person. It hadn't hurt and it had been worth a shot. It wasn't a big deal.

"He's supposed to testify at Carter's trial in an hour." Sodia glanced at the clock. "Will he be able to?"

Burke frowned while Yuri propped himself up on his elbows. "Sure I can. The gel closed it right up, didn't it?"

"I'm concerned that you did loose a fair amount of blood. Ordinarily it wouldn't be a major concern, but you've only just got your blood levels back up after losing so much six weeks ago. It should probably be fine, though."

"I can request we delay the trial if it's necessary," Sodia offered.

"No way. I've been waiting for this for ages. It's just a cut." He was a grown man. It was ridiculous that he needed  _permission_  to go anywher, like a child asking to go out after curfew.

"Yes, he can go." Burke straightened up and fiddled with his glasses. "Cecilia, clean the blood and bandage it, and then he can leave as planned."

Cecilia bobbed her head. "Yes, sir. Sodia, help me get him to the bed, would you?"

"I'm fine," Yuri said as the women reached for him. "Give me a hand into the chair and I can -"

They ignored him. With his face filled with disgruntlement, they wrapped one arm around each shoulder and dragged him back to bed. "I need to take your pants off," Cecilia said, reaching for the button.

"What for?"

"They're covered in blood," Sodia pointed out. "You'll have to change before going to the courthouse."

"Ugh, fine." Sodia helping take his pants off was not something he looked forward to.

"Are you sure you're not hurt anywhere else?" Cecilia asked while pulling his pants off.

"Bruised my elbow. No big deal." Pulling his pants off was harder than usual because his leg kept jerking and twitching, but eventually they managed. Cecilia handed the pants to Sodia to put away while she wiped away the blood on his calf with a damp cloth.

"You can't pull things like this, Yuri." She bit her lip with her brow furrowed. "You really scared me. If we hadn't found you, you could have bled to death."

It wasn't that he enjoyed worrying her, but it was his body. He could do what he wanted with it. He didn't need people with fully functioning limbs guilt tripping him about what he did with the dead weight hanging from his waist.

"Hold his leg down, please, Sodia."

"Damn, this leg is annoying. Is it going to keep doing that?"

Sodia held his ankle to keep the leg from spasming out of control while Cecilia wrapped a bandage around it. "For a little while. You stimulated the nerves and they're misfiring in confusion."

"Lucky me."

Sodia handed her a fresh pair of pants. All things considered, Yuri supposed having Sodia help him was better than, say, Smiley, but he still wasn't too keen on it. He also couldn't shake the feeling that she'd tried to kill him once for dragging Flynn down, and now he was taking up even more of Flynn's time with even less ability to defend himself. He felt much better with pants on, and then brushed aside their offers to help and wriggled to the chair Cecilia brought over.

"See? I'm fine. No harm done. Let's go to the trial."

Sodia gave him a look that clearly said she didn't think he was fine, but Flynn was waiting so she agreed. She reached for the handles, but Yuri pushed himself forward before she could grab them. He didn't need Sodia of all people pushing him around. His leg kept twitching every few minutes, and every time it did, Sodia glanced at him meaningfully. If that look was supposed to mean "look you caused yourself lasting damage; I hope you're happy, stupid," he ignored it. The only problem came when he had to sign out at the receptionist's desk, but discovered the desk was designed for people standing and he had no way of reaching it.

"Why would anybody plan it this way?" Yuri tried to meet the receptionist's eyes but since the counter came up to his nose it was hard to see over it. "Isn't it assumed that people in this building might be in a wheelchair?"

"Sorry," Sylvie said while rustling around for a clipboard. "Typically the families of patients deal with all the paperwork. I can't find a clipboard right now; Miss Sodia, you could just sign here to verify he'll be with you."

Yuri wanted to protest, because having someone else sign for him made him feel like a child, but he just wanted this to be over with so they could move on. What was he supposed to do if he couldn't reach the counter? Come to think of it, how many more things in life were going to be over his head now? He already knew the top shelves of things weren't going to be much use to him anymore, but there were probably loads of other things he wasn't thinking of that were going to be inconveniently placed.

He was still thinking about just what he wasn't going to be able to reach when they left the hospital and started the journey to the courthouse. That was almost good, though, because it distracted him from the fact that he had to struggle to keep up with Sodia. Struggling to keep pace with Flynn annoyed him; doing the same for someone he actively disliked was infuriating. In the royal quarter, the streets were shovelled quite well, but there was still just enough snow that every few feet it clogged the wheels. It didn't help that he'd bruised his elbow and straining his arms to push himself over the snowy cobbles made his arm hurt.

"What did you hope to achieve by stabbing yourself?" Sodia didn't look at him when she asked.

"I don't know; what did  _you_  hope to achieve by stabbing me?"

Her frown deepened. "How can you expect others to take care of you if you won't take care of yourself?"

A flash of hot anger almost melted the snow caked to his wheels. "I don't expect others to take care of me."

"Expected or not, it's certainly happening. The commandant is worried sick about you, almost to the point of neglecting his duties."

"Flynn wouldn't neglect his duties, even for me."

"I did say almost. He is indeed much too dedicated to his important work to let his personal life interfere with his duties. Still, I can tell the additional stress is wearing him thin. I don't know if you have any idea how hard this is on him."

Yuri resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Yes, I'm sure it's very hard on  _him_. I'm such a jerk for stressing him out like this." He got that Flynn was upset, but Sodia could shove her implications that Flynn was having a harder time of this than Yuri up her ass. "Just don't tell him about this, alright?"

"He would want to know."

Yes, and he'd probably want to know about what happened at Zaude, but Yuri had left that decision up to Sodia. "It would just make him upset. He wouldn't get it." Flynn would freak out, of course, as would Estelle and all the others. They just didn't understand how little it mattered to jam a knife in his leg and he didn't want to worry them over nothing.

Sodia took a deep breath, which turned into an expulsion of fog in the crisp air. "You told me you didn't want to get in Flynn's way, but injuring yourself like this will just give him more problems to worry about. If you don't want Commandant Flynn to have to take care of you, then you have to do it yourself."

"I don't need to be lectured by you, all right? I appreciate that you care about Flynn, but I can handle myself."

"Clearly you can't!"

Anger spiked again. It was always so close to the surface these days that almost anything could tip him over the edge, but Sodia telling him he couldn't handle taking care of himself would have pissed him off even when he was able-bodied. He slammed his wheels forward, wishing he could storm off and ignore Sodia but stuck pushing himself along beside her. He had already been in a bad mood because he'd confirmed that even the strongest sensation he could inflict didn't even register in his legs, his leg kept spasming and kicking around, a persistent ache in his back found new and exciting ways to remind him of its presence every few minutes, and the possibility of ever walking again seemed farther away by the second. He actually found himself wishing he could go back to the hospital just so he wouldn't have to deal with people when all he wanted to do was lie in bed and smash something to get his frustration out.

They walked in tense silence until they neared the courthouse. As they rounded the corner, Sodia said, "You should let me push you."

"No, thank you," he snipped.

She stepped in front of him, forcing him to stop. Veering around wasn't an easy task with snow-caked wheels. "Commandant Flynn said you had agreed to play up the act of the victim. Pushing yourself in under your own power will undermine that image."

Yuri glared at her, but only for a few seconds because he knew she was right. He regretted ever agreeing to this stupid act, but he had promised Flynn. He looked away and muttered, "Fine."

He crossed his arms and leaned back, letting Sodia push him the rest of the way to the courthouse. He hated being pushed. There were so few things he  _could_  do for himself that he had to cling to the things he had. He felt stupid as Sodia pushed him up to the steps of the courthouse, which is where they discovered their next problem: steps.

"There is no other entrance," Sodia said.

Yuri sat at the foot of the stairs and looked at the door. There were about five marble steps leading up to the broad wooden doors of the courthouse, but it might as well have been a mountain. He'd never thought twice about stairs before, but now he couldn't even get into a stupid building because of a few pieces of stone. What kind of person couldn't get up a couple of stairs?  _A helpless cripple, that's who_.

Without warning, Sodia turned him around and backed onto the stairs. She pulled the chair back so he was looking at the sky and eased the chair up the steps one by one. He felt ridiculous and wished for the thousandth time that he could just  _walk_.

He was still fuming about the indignity of being hefted up backward when they entered the building. He was just so  _angry_ , at so many people and life in general, but he didn't mind being angry because it was better than the hopeless grief he was certain he'd sink into if he let go of the anger. Everyone they passed stared at him. Of course they all knew who he was - he was famous now. The commandant's crippled lover. Not only that, but anyone involved in the trial had probably been discussing him and just how unfortunate he was all morning. He'd missed that part of the trial, though, because of course he had to stay at the hospital like a good little patient.

"The trial is through here." He hadn't even noticed but they'd reached a room at the end of a long hall. "Commandant Flynn is testifying right now. You need to wait in the room over here. A knight will come get you when it's your turn."

"Yeah, sure." Sodia opened the door and pushed him inside. There was a table with bagels and a pitcher of water, surrounded by a few chairs. Lucky him, he already had the chair situation take care of.

"Wait here until you're summoned," Sodia said, and then left.

Glad to be done with her, Yuri grabbed his wheels and pushed himself further into the room. That was when he noticed he wasn't alone. A familiar face sat at the table, watching him cautiously. When Yuri laid his eyes on him, his anger flashed again, nearly consuming him for a second. "Hey, Trout. Long time no see."

"Hello." He tried to meet Yuri's eyes but his gaze kept snapping back to the metal rims of his chair like magnets. "You, uh, seem to be doing well. How much longer will you have to use a chair?"

Yuri fixed him with a level stare. "Forever." The last time he'd spoken to Jasper Trout, the detective had assured him that as soon as Carter showed up, a swarm of knights would be on him to take him into custody. If Trout had been true to his word, Yuri would be walking into the courtroom today.

Trout's passive smile wavered. "O-oh… So, um, the doctors can't do anything then?"

"Nope." Yuri wished he'd never given up trying to develop laser vision as a child because the heat they beamed onto Trout's sweating face hinted that he might have had a talent for it.

"I'm sure if you push yourself hard enough you'll make a full recovery. I'm sure someone, uh, as resilient as you can bounce back."

"Yeah, well, it turns out it's hard to bounce back from two days of torture, considering someone stabbed me in the back. Oh, and Carter rammed a knife in my spine, too."

Trout winced. "Look, I know I should have visited you in the hospital to say this weeks ago, but I really am sorry. We never meant for Carter to get away with you."

"But you  _did_  mean for him to capture me. You just screwed up the rescue attempt, and that wasn't our arrangement." His rotten leg spasmed again, but to his credit, Trout didn't mention it.

"I'm sorry. I truly am sorry for what happened. It was a mistake, but it seemed like our only chance to catch Carter. It  _did_  lead to his capture, you know."

"Yeah, right, the ends justify the means, huh? Like I haven't heard that one before." Trout was not on the same level as Ragou or Cumore, not in the least. He really had been  _trying_  to do the right thing, he was just remarkably cavalier with other people's lives to do it. Yuri wasn't even considering giving him the Ragou treatment, but a strong, furious part of him would love to lock him in a basement for a few days, beat him black and blue, and then stick him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life and then tell him it was justified because the end result was helpful. If Trout had done this to a friend, he just might have.

"You can't blame me for your circumstances." Trout crossed his arms like he could block out responsibility. "Yes, I underestimated Carter but I'm not the one who stabbed you! I wasn't even there, so it can't be my fault! You could have tried to escape, or Flynn could have rescued you without letting it happen, or even now, I bet you could recover if you tried! Look, your leg is moving right now - clearly the potential to move exists. You're just not trying hard enough because you want to be able to make me out as the bad guy."

Yuri had trudged through the sewer system under the castle the time he escaped with Estelle, but even considering that, he had never seen a stream of such concentrated shit before in his life. Every word was so offensively wrong he didn't even know where to start. His lips curled in disgust and he turned his head away; there was no talking to people with their heads to far up their own asses the holes got confused and shit poured out the mouth instead. "I don't think words have been invented to describe how wrong you are. I can't even bring myself to care how pigheaded that was it was so idiotic. Just don't ever say this was Flynn's fault again or I'll punch you, because he did everything he could even with you trying to make his job more difficult."

Trout seemed about to answer, but then the door opened. "Mr. Trout, it's your turn to testify," a knight said.

Thankful for the release, Trout leapt up, gave Yuri a nervous glance, and hurried out. The door clicked shut and Yuri was left to stew in his frustration.

* * *

Flynn stepped down from the witness stand angrier than he had been in a while. It had started well. Teller asked him to recount everything that happened the evening he confronted Carter and he'd recited it flawlessly. He'd met Carter's eyes coolly and levelly when he described witnessing Carter stab Yuri in the back and proceed to taunt him about killing Yuri, making it very clear he'd had lethal intent.

The problems came up when Carter's lawyer questioned him. Carter had been injured when he was taken in, he pointed out. He had bad bruising on his face that  _clearly_  indicated he'd been beaten beyond what was needed to arrest him. He pointed to Carter, who kept coughing and wheezing throughout the trial and doing his best to look frail and sickly, and lamenting how Flynn denied him medical care while in custody. He reminded the jury that the mold samples found on victims and the mitten Flynn found indicated the Heartbreaker had used the sewers to get around, not the catacombs where Carter had been found, and suggesting he'd crossed between them the same way Flynn had was pure speculation.

Then there'd been the series of questions that irritated Flynn the most: a series of highly personal enquiries about his relationship with Yuri. How long had they been together? Had they had sex? What was the extent of Flynn's feelings for Yuri? Flynn knew what he was trying to do and it pissed him off. Many jury members clearly disapproved of their relationship and every question lowered sympathy for Yuri. The final implication that his feelings for the victim made him biased against Carter might lead the jury to believe he was exaggerating to make Carter look more guilty than he was.

Sodia slipped outside the court room right after he left. "You did well, sir."

She'd arrived near the end, just in time to hear him explain to the court, under oath to tell the complete truth, that he and Yuri had not had sexual intercourse but had engaged in other sexual activities. The jury needed to know this, Mr. Dunn the defence attorney explained, so they knew the context behind his feelings for Yuri and how they might cloud his judgement. "I did about as well as I could with those questions, I believe."

"It will be fine, sir. Carter already admitted to attempted murder. He'll be found guilty for sure."

"I certainly hope so. How's Yuri?" Sodia hesitated before answering and he felt a sudden desire to charge into the room just down the hall and see Yuri for himself. "Sodia? What happened?"

"There was an incident at the hospital just as I arrived."

"What sort of 'incident'?" Flynn didn't like 'incidents', because if they weren't something to worry about people wouldn't use the word 'incident' to avoid saying them right away.

"From what I understand, he was attempting to see if significant tactile stimulation would spark sensation in his leg."

"Significant tactile…?" Flynn's heart throbbed and he glanced to the door of the witness waiting room again. Meeting with Yuri before Yuri testified could get his entire testimony declared inadmissible.

"He… stabbed himself in the leg with a table knife."

Flynn gaped at her for a second, certain he'd misheard. "He  _what_?" Even Yuri couldn't be that stupid.

"The nurse and I found him on the ground, bleeding from his leg. He was given a gel and the wound fully closed. It was bandaged just in case but the doctor declared it fine. We found him only moments after the injury, I believe. He's physically fine from the situation, but I thought you would like to be aware it happened. He didn't want you to know."

He buried his face in his hand. "Of course he didn't." Yuri, what were you  _thinking_? He'd noticed Yuri's mood had taken a downturn in the past couple of days, but if he was at the point of stabbing himself in desperation, it had to be serious. On his birthday, he'd gotten his hopes up that the worst of his mental problems were over and all they had to worry about now were physical ones, but he realized that had been naïve. "Thank you for telling me. I'll talk to him later." For now he wanted to take a quick walk to clear his head and then be back in time for Yuri's turn to testify.


	10. Trial and Tribulation

Yuri let a knight push him into the courtroom. All eyes were on him, and knowing that everyone looked at him with pity didn't make him feel any better. He wasn't really a person in their eyes - he was the tragic victim. He'd agreed to play along if it would help condemn Carter, but that didn't mean he liked it.

The witness stand itself had two steps up to a chair behind a podium, but when they got there, the knight paused, not sure what to do. Yuri wasn't sure, either, because he hadn't brought his transfer board and getting up those steps in the first place would be a pain.

The judge looked down at him, saw the problem, and said, "Oh. I guess you'll have to just sit there."

Good job making sure the courtroom was accessible, guys, really. It wasn't like they had any idea a person in a wheelchair was coming or anything. It really wasn't a big deal that he couldn't sit in the actual witness stand, but it was the principle of the thing. He didn't like having awkward accommodations because the world wasn't set up for people like him and wasn't prepared to deal with him.

The knight turned his chair to face the court and left. He spotted Flynn sitting in the front row of the audience and met his eyes. Flynn gave him a tight, apologetic smile, and Yuri sighed. Better get this over with. His eyes moved on, and then landed on Carter sitting at a table only a few yards away. He smiled when Yuri met his eyes and gave a little wave. Despite his best efforts, Yuri's heart skipped a beat and a shiver ran down his spine (at least, partially down his spine). He hadn't seen Carter since the catacombs, and looking at that face again stirred up a lot of feelings he would like to keep buried.

That bastard. That  _bastard_. How dare he sit there with a casual smile and wave at Yuri like they shared some private joke? That scum of a human had managed to make Yuri more miserable than anyone else in his life and was the reason he hadn't had a single day without some form of pain in over six weeks. The persistent ache in his back that he had mostly learned to ignore flared to the forefront as Carter's smile put him in mind of the exact moment the knife sank into him. He found himself rubbing his thumb against the scarred stump where his finger would have been and his breathing came a little faster. After talking over his feelings with Estelle, he'd let himself believe he was over it. Facing Carter in person made him realize one thing: he was not.

"Mr. Lowell?"

He snapped his head away from Carter and saw Teller standing in front of him. "Sorry, what were you saying?" The prosecutor's forehead wrinkled in the slightest hint of a frown, and Yuri would have kicked himself if he could kick for getting distracted so early. He needed to appear credible.

Teller repeated herself. "I asked if you could please state your name and your relationship to the defendant."

'Defendant', what a stupid term. It made him sound so innocent, when in reality his hands were so bloody it was a surprise they weren't dripping on the floor. "Ah, right. Name's Yuri Lowell, and my relationship is…" Victim. That's what he was supposed to say. He was the victim in this case - at least, the only victim still alive to testify. He hated thinking of himself as a victim, though, but he forced himself to say it. "I was one of his victims." There'd been a pause before he said it. Did that matter?

"Please tell the jury what happened from the night you disappeared to the arrest of Timothy Carter."

"Right. Ok, well I went with Trout because we had a plan to lure Carter out. We were going to use me as bait so Trout could direct the knights to catch him." He wasn't sure where to look while he spoke. He tried to look at Carter, but the bastard's smile unnerved him and his eyes drifted to Flynn. The story of letting himself get captured was humiliating and he'd rather no one else knew, but he had to tell the whole truth if he wanted Carter to hang so he stared at Flynn and pretended he was talking just to him. "Trout lied, though. He never intended to send in backup because-"

"Objection." Mr. Dunn stood up and cut Yuri off. Yuri scowled at him as Dunn said, "Your Honour, the witness is speculating on Mr. Trout's motives."

"That's the truth!" Yuri protested. "He told me he was going to send backup and then he didn't. That asshole told me himself he wanted me to-"

"Sustained," the judge said, giving Yuri an annoyed look. Yuri would have kept protesting, but he caught Flynn's wince and tiny shake of his head to tell Yuri to drop it.

"Mr. Lowell," Teller said, "please continue your story relating only direct facts without speculating on others' motives."

Yuri took a moment to smother his frustration before starting again. He'd barely started and already he kept screwing up. Dammit, this was why he preferred to take care of monsters with a sword on the field. Justice was all well and good, but when it got bogged down with technicalities and formalities that could make someone Yuri  _knew_  was a monster look innocent, something was wrong. "Yeah, ok. Anyway, the pure  _facts_  are that Trout told me he was going to send in back-up as soon as Carter appeared. Carter and I got into a fight, and mysteriously the back-up never appeared. I can't imagine why." Flynn gave him another look, which was shared by Teller this time, making it clear he was toeing a dangerous line next to giving the defence another objection. He struggled to reel in the irritated sarcasm.

"Carter overpowered me. He smothered me with a rag soaked in some kind of drug. I'm not a scientist so I can't tell you what it was but it smelled a lot like ether. Next thing I knew, I woke up in a dark passage with my ankles and wrists tied and a gag in my mouth." Memories surged, making him feel sick. It was impossible to talk about this without thinking about it, and impossible to think about it without remembered pain and fear raising their ugly heads. The memories of how sore and powerless he'd felt exacerbated his present aches, bad enough that the urge to stretch his sore leg muscles nearly overwhelmed him. They weren't  _really_  sore, he reminded himself. They physically  _can't_  feel pain; it was all in his head. Dammit, he'd gone silent again and everyone was waiting for him to continue.

"Sorry. Anyway, I lay down there for a little while. I don't know how long. Then Carter came down, and without saying a word to me he grabbed my arm, pulled me to my knees, and pressed my hands against a block of wood. Then he cut my finger off." He held up his right hand and his gaze drifted to the stump. He didn't think about it too often, because honestly it was the limb he was least concerned with losing, but he still found it weird to look at his hand and see his finger just… stop. "After that, he pushed me over and beat me up. I don't know how long that lasted but eventually he left and I passed out."

He dropped his head and searched for Flynn again, but on the way there his vision landed on Carter again and he found himself trapped by his smile. Yuri had intended to glare but couldn't muster the venom and instead he just clenched his left hand around the armrest and tried to speak calmly and clearly while meeting Carter's eyes. "He came back a lot after that. I couldn't tell what day it was or how long anything lasted so I have no idea on that. At least three separate times he sat around burning me with his cigar."

Carter met his eyes now, but he hadn't back then. Yuri remembered trying to glare at him or swear at him through the gag, but every time he was ignored. How could you be defiant toward someone who never paid any attention to your attempts at defiance? His only option had been to lie there and feel his skin sear while being grateful for the gag because it gave his teeth something to clamp on without hurting his tongue. It had been an endless period of pain and burning…

"Mr. Lowell, could you please continue?"

Damn! He'd zoned out  _again_! The faded burn scars had stopped hurting ages ago but he swore he could feel them again. How long had he been lost in thought? Carter looked amused so he tore his eyes away and fond Flynn, who watched him with concern. Flynn was counting on him to provide the best testimony the prosecution had and he kept screwing up. He had to get through this and give the jury concrete evidence that Carter was a monster.

"He cut me with his knife a lot," he said quickly. His heart sped up as he tried to shuffle the disorganized memories into a coherent story without letting it overwhelm him. "I was down there for about two days and it was a cycle of burning, cutting, and beating. Sometimes they were combined. On the first day he left over a dozen second-degree burns all over my back and then slashed it up with his knife, deep enough to hurt but not enough to bleed to death. I still lost a lot of blood and had barely any water and on the last day he grabbed my hair and cut it right off. After that he kicked me black and blue - hard enough to crack my ribs, I'm sure. When Flynn showed up, he picked me up so I could stand and talked to Flynn a bit. I don't remember what they said, but then he stabbed me in the back. I fell to the ground and passed out and that's the last thing I remember before I woke up in the hospital, where I realized I couldn't feel my legs anymore."

"Thank you," Teller said. "Are you positive of the identity of the person who did this to you?"

Yuri took a moment to answer because talking through everything that had happened left him breathless and rattled. Muscles ached, long-healed injuries throbbed, his leg spasmed, and he tried to calm down enough to answer. The entire court was watching him fight back a panic attack; he couldn't lose his cool now.  _Pull yourself together, Yuri. That was six weeks ago. You're over it_. "Yeah," he said breathlessly. "I saw his face clearly. It was definitely Carter."

"Thank you. That's all."

She went back to her table and Yuri looked around, about to ask if he could go, when Dunn stood and approached him. Oh, right, he still had to talk to the asshole who was defending a serial killer.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Lowell."

"Yo." He just hoped this went by fast.

"Mr. Lowell, you said you saw his face clearly. Was he not wearing a mask of any sort?"

"Nope."

"Did he give any indication that he planned to let you leave alive?"

"Nah. He told me himself he planned to torture and murder me."

"Did he ever say that he was responsible for the other murders attributed to the Heartbreaker?"

Yuri glared at Carter. "No, but I know he was responsible."

"Objection," Dunn said quickly. "That's speculation again."

"Sustained," the judge nodded. To Yuri, he said, "Only answer things you witnessed yourself."

Yuri scowled but caught Flynn's look and didn't argue. "Fine. No, he didn't."

"He didn't think he had anything to lose from telling someone he planned to kill, but he didn't mention it?"

"Well, it's not like he-"

"Yes or no answers, please, Mr. Lowell."

Yuri glared at Dunn, trying to think of a clever answer that wouldn't get him interrupted and also wouldn't make Carter look any more innocent. When he was limited to 'yes' or 'no', he didn't have much choice. "No. He didn't say anything."

"You stated earlier that the defendant burned your back with his cigar and then cut it with his knife. However, doesn't the medical report from your doctor state that the burns partially closed the wounds because they happened immediately after?"

Yuri frowned. Wait… that did sound right. All the times Carter attacked him blurred together and he'd messed up the details. "Uh… yeah, actually, I guess that's right. Sorry about that."

"How much water were you given to drink in the two and a half day period you were in the defendant's custody?"

Yuri would never understand how a person could turn the reality of 'being imprisoned and tortured by a serial killer' into something ad vague and mild as 'being in the defendant's custody' and say it with such a straight face. "One lousy cup."

"Are you aware that dehydration and blood loss can cloud the mind and make recollections hazy?"

He saw immediately what Dunn was implying, but already knew that if he went past a one word answer Dunn would object and threaten his credibility even further. "…Yes."

"Is it true that you were arrested seven years ago for throwing rocks at a mansion on Windsor Street?"

"Huh?" He barely even remembered that incident and couldn't imagine why Dunn was bringing it up now. He'd only been fifteen at the time - they couldn't possibly hold it against him now. "Yeah, why?"

"What was the reason you gave to the Knights for your actions?"

"Uh…" he thought back, struggling to remember. It was hard to concentrate when his back burned like a match had been lit in his spine and all his muscles ached. Every time his chair jerked from his spasming leg it broke his concentration. "It was something about not liking the people who live there."

"According to the official form, it was 'I don't like nobles'. Is that correct?"

"Yeah, that sounds about right."

"Do you have an existing bias against Timothy Carter due to his noble birth?"

"What? No."

"You just said you dislike nobles."

"One of my best friends is the princess."

"That may be, but do you have a record of taking criminal action against an innocent noble due to a prejudice against the upper classes?"

"I was only fifteen; of course I did dumb shit!"

"Yes or no, please."

Yuri rolled his eyes heavily. "Yes, I do."

"Would you ever stretch or exaggerate the truth in order to make a noble appear more guilty than he is?"

"No!"

"There's no need to shout, Mr. Lowell."

This twisted son of a bitch… Yuri willed him to stand a little closer so his spasming leg would 'accidentally' kick him.

"How serious is your injury Mr. Lowell?"

He switched topics fast, jumping between lines of question faster than Yuri could analyze what he was aiming at. "What, like on a scale of one to ten, with one being totally healthy and ten being dead?"

"Not quite," Dunn said with a charismatic smile. "I see you're in a wheelchair, which you attribute to your treatment at Carter's hands. How were you injured?"

"His knife severed my spinal cord."

"I see. Now, according to your medical file, your injury is classified as a T8 complete. Is that correct?"

"Yes."

"Can you explain to the jury, please, what T8 complete means?"

What did the specifics of his injury even have to do with Carter's guilt? He glanced to the jury and explained as quickly as possible. "Right below my eight vertebra - the little bones in your spine - my spinal cord was totally severed. Now I can't move or feel anything below that point."

"Are you aware that in recorded medical history, there are no other cases of a complete spinal lesion resulting solely from a knife wound?"

"Uh… no. I don't know anything about medical history." What was he supposed to say? Carter stabbed him and now his spine was completely severed. Maybe it was rare, but that was just the kind of improbable bad luck he was accustomed to.

"Is it possible that your injury was caused by events after the defendant stabbed you, such as treatment by the hospital?"

"No."

"It's not even  _possible_ , considering how unprecedented an injury of this degree from this type of wound is?"

He struggled to find an answer but couldn't. "Well… I guess it's possible, but it's also theoretically possible for you to get laid but that doesn't mean it's ever going to actually happen." Dunn gave him a dirty look, with gave Yuri a flicker of satisfaction. Dunn was trying to make it look like Carter wasn't even wholly to blame for crippling him, and insulting him was the least of what Yuri would like to do. His leg spasmed again and Yuri suppressed the urge to swear.

"If your injury is as complete as you claim, why is your leg moving?" Dunn asked, glancing down.

"It does that."

"I thought you couldn't move your legs at all?"

"I'm not doing it on purpose; it's just spasming." He could see the skeptical looks on the jury's faces and wanted to throttle someone.  _Yes_ , it was actually possible for his legs to spasm involuntarily without him having any motor control. It was a legitimate medical thing he had prescription for. "I take medicine to suppress the muscle spasms. Ask the doctor."

"Why isn't it working on your right leg today?"

Shit, he'd walked right into this one. Dunn had no idea what the answer was going to be, but once Yuri said it, he was going to make one defence attorney very happy. He couldn't even lie, because surely someone would double-check with the hospital and if he got caught lying, everything he'd said about what a bastard Carter was would be thrown out. Every person in the room stared at him, waiting for an answer, and he looked to the back wall to say, "I cut my calf with a knife."

Dunn seemed confused. "Was it an accident?"

Yuri turned his head a bit and scowled. "No."

"You… cut yourself with a knife on purpose? Is that correct?"

"…Yeah."

Yuri could already see the gears turning in Dunn's mind and he avoided looking at Flynn or Teller, not wanting to see their horrified gazes.

"Was there a medical necessity for cutting yourself?"

"No." Nobody understood how important it was to try anything to test sensation, and certainly Dunn and the jury weren't even trying.

"Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness that would impair your judgement?"

"No." He couldn't keep the anger out of his voice now.

"Have you ever been tested?"

"Well… no." He spotted Flynn in the corner of his eye but couldn't bring himself to look at him, certain he'd see disappointment.

Dunn surveyed him for a long moment, and then said, "No further questions, Your Honour."

Flynn had said Yuri was their star witness, but he'd sure done a good job of screwing this one up. Teller had a chance to try to salvage his testimony, but the damage had been done. Carter was pleading guilty to attempted murder, after all. He didn't need to try to poke holes in that part of the story. What he needed to do was keep the jury from feeling sorry for Yuri and he'd done an admirable job of making Yuri look like some mentally ill, noble-hating idiot who didn't even remember what had happened and just wanted to see Carter go down. Teller didn't even touch the stabbing himself issue, because for all she knew, the more she asked the more incriminating he'd look. She tried to make the point that things said at age fifteen couldn't be held against him now, and that he was close friends with a couple members of the upper class so he couldn't be  _completely_  prejudiced. But Dunn was right that his memories of imprisonment were fuzzy and nothing she could say could undo the unfriendly and agitated attitude he'd shown.

In the end, he didn't even wait for a knight to wheel him out of the room. As soon as he was dismissed he grabbed the rims and got out of there as fast as he could, going even faster when he had to pass the table only feet away from Carter. He was certain he caught a whiff of cigar smoke as he rolled past and his heart skipped a beat from that awful stench. He rolled into the empty hall, stopped next to the wall, and slammed his fist against it while taking deep breaths.

He heard the door open and close and footsteps follow him. It had better not be Sodia coming to take him back to the hospital because he didn't want to talk to her. Instead, familiar hands rested on his shoulders. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine."

"It isn't your fault," Flynn said. "We should have given you more time. I realized this was a mistake as soon as I saw you looking at Carter."

"I'm the one who screwed up. Don't blame yourself."

Flynn walked around to face him and then crouched so they could be eye-to-eye, the way he'd bend over to talk to a small child. "Sodia told me what happened to your leg. Are you sure you're ok?"

"I told you, I'm  _fine." Don't punch Flynn in the jaw_ , he reminded himself. He wasn't really mad at Flynn, he was just annoyed at how Flynn had to crouch so they could talk but he also got annoyed when people talked down at him and forced him to crane his neck. He was just angry in general and Flynn was a convenient face that he was used to punching when angry.

Flynn saw the frustration on his face but didn't comment on it. "You did that best you could. I'm not upset, and I'm proud of you for going over everything in front of the court like that. I know it was hard."

Oh, good, Flynn was  _proud_  of him, like a little kid getting a star on an assignment. He should probably just stop talking to Flynn, because there was nothing anyone could say to him he wouldn't somehow find irritating. "I'm going back to the hospital."

"I'll walk with you."

"It's fine. You have stuff to do." He pushed away from the wall and started to head for the door.

Flynn quickly joined him. "It's ok. I already testified so I'm not needed again today. I'll walk you back."

He didn't trust Yuri to make it on his own. Yuri was irritated, but as soon as he reached the exit he realized Flynn was right. He'd forgotten that he couldn't get out of this building without someone carrying him down the stairs. Flynn lowered him down each step carefully, every drop sending a  _thump - thump_ through his spine that made his back hurt.

When they reached the ground, Flynn let Yuri take the lead on the way back to the hospital. Flynn walked slowly, easily keeping pace with Yuri's tired arms struggling through the snow. After a long silence, Flynn asked, "So… can you tell me why you stabbed yourself?"

Yuri scowled. He'd already realized able-bodied people would never understand how worth it that experiment had been, but given that this was Flynn, he might as well try. "I though an incredibly painful stimulus would be enough. I just wanted to feel something."

"But if it had work, all you would have felt was pain."

"Yeah, but at least that's  _something_." The good thing about being waist-level with Flynn was that it was easier to ignore the worried look on his face.

"Just… please don't do something like that again. You could have been seriously hurt."

"Yeah, sure." He agreed because he already knew it was pointless so there was no need to try again. The principle of doing anything it took for any glimmer of hope remained sound.

They kept walking, silent once more. Yuri didn't feel like talking about highlights from the trial and all the ways he'd screwed up kept playing through his mind. Interlacing all of it was Carter's damned smile and the knowledge that even six weeks later he was probably going to have nightmares about getting tortured again tonight.

There was another thing that this trip out of the hospital had made clear: the world was not set up for people in wheelchairs. The streets were rough and not cleared of snow enough, there were stairs and steps in more places than he'd ever noticed, and everyone he passed had to pause and stare with fascination.

"I hate this," he grumbled when the hospital was just ahead.

"Would you like me to push you?"

"No, not this. Just… everything. I hate living like this."

Flynn hung his head. "I know. I'm so sorry."

"Don't apologize; it's not like this is your fault. I'm pissed at myself for screwing up the testimony because I want to see Carter punished as much as possible."

"I'm sure justice will prevail." Flynn had such confidence that the system would work out in the end, but Yuri couldn't share his optimism. He'd seen too many noble monsters skirt charges to rest assured that the man responsible for putting him in this chair would get his just deserts.

"There's got to be something someone can do. They can't expect me to live like this forever."

"Stay positive. I know you'll find a way to be happy."

He noticed that, while encouraging, Flynn didn't exactly agree that there must be a cure somewhere.

Flynn followed him into the hospital and back to his room, where the blood on the floor had already been cleaned. Yuri went straight for bed and transferred over, relishing the chance to lie down and let his aching muscles rest.

Flynn sat on the side of the bed and held his hand. "I'm sorry today didn't go over well."

"It's not your fault."

"Is there anything else you need? I should probably get back."

"Nah, don't worry about me. I know how much the Knighthood struggles without you there to be competent."

Flynn squeezed his hand, kissed Yuri briefly on the lips, and then left. Once he was gone, Yuri closed his eyes and thought for a long time. Today had made it clear he could not possibly go the rest of his life like this. He just  _couldn't_. He would do anything short of harming someone else to get his legs back, no matter what the risk.

After an hour of considering his life and his options, he crawled out of bed again with that thought in mind. He made his way down the hall to Dr. Burke's office and knocked. He wasn't usually one to bother knocking, but opening doors was such a pain in the ass it was just easier to let someone else get it.

"Oh, Mr. Lowell," Burke said. "Is there something you need?"

Burke returned to his desk and Yuri rolled up, pushing a chair out of the way so he could sit in front of it. "I want you to fix my spine."

Burke frowned. "As I've explained, the technology to repair a severed spinal cord simply does not exist."

"Have you even tried? Or did you just look and say 'I don't know how to do it; guess he's stuck that way'? There's got to be  _something_  you can try." Burke didn't answer, but Yuri caught a hint of hesitation on his face. "You know something, don't you? Tell me."

The doctor tapped his fingers on his desk. "It is true that there are some suggested surgical cures. Several have been proposed and tested with varying degrees of success."

"Success?" His heart leapt.

"The validity of the success is debatable and never on a case as severe as yours. The basic idea of the surgery is simply to cut open the back, break open the vertebrae to gain access to the spinal cord, and attempt to manually reconnect it."

Yuri nodded. That sounded like a solid plan to him. Shouldn't Burke have tried that in the first place? If the problem was his spinal cord getting severed, putting it back together was the obvious solution. "Why haven't you tried that?"

"As I said, success of the technique is debatable and it is a highly delicate procedure. Cases of success are anecdotal, or experimented upon rabbits instead of humans. The chance for something to go wrong, though, is high and could easily result in death."

"But there's a chance of recovery?"

"If the surgery goes without a hitch, there's a chance that some function might return."

Without even thinking about it, Yuri said, "Sign me up."

"Are you sure? I've never performed this surgery myself and I have no idea if it will actually work."

"You're a doctor at the most prestigious hospital in Zaphias. If anyone can do it, I'm sure you can." He was a bit peeved that no one had mentioned the existence of this surgery to him before, but the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel made him too happy to care. "Besides, just think of the papers you can write if this works. You'll be known all over the world as the first doctor to fix an injury like this."

Burke sat up and straightened his glasses with a slight smile. "Hm, well, yes, I suppose…"

"Look, it's simple. I'm a patient who wants a surgery, and you're a doctor who wants recognition for your work. There shouldn't be any holdups here."

"Well… if you consent to the possible risks, then all right. We'll do it tomorrow."

Yuri couldn't help grinning. "Sounds good." Tomorrow. Tomorrow, he was going to stand up.


	11. Spiralling Down

"Are you worried about Carter's trial?"

Flynn glared at a smidgen of mayonnaise oozing from his sandwich. "A little bit," he admitted.

"I'm sure it will be ok." Estelle wiped a few crumbs from her fingers. "Even if the trial didn't go well, he's obviously guilty. He admitted he kidnapped and hurt Yuri; what more proof do they need?"

"One would hope so." If it were truly an egalitarian jury, he wouldn't be as concerned. However, tradition dictated that a person had to own a certain amount of land to be eligible, which meant the jury was made up of Carter's peers, not Yuri's. "Trout didn't do us any favours, though. I was hoping his testimony would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Carter forcefully abducted Yuri, but he fell apart on the stand."

Estelle frowned. "I missed his testimony. What happened?"

"He was more concerned with making sure he didn't look guilty than reporting the facts. He kept tripping over himself to make it look like he couldn't be considered at fault for what happened, and ended up contradicting himself and making his entire testimony look faulty. He ended up implying that Yuri willingly went with Carter because it was part of his plan, and even if the jury doesn't fully believe that, he didn't properly corroborate Yuri's story."

Estelle gave her plate a glum look. "They couldn't possibly find him innocent, could they?"

"I should hope not."

Estelle hesitated, wiping her fingers on her napkin and putting off her question while she found the words. "Do you think it's at all possible that… well, that Carter could be telling the truth? That he really isn't responsible for all the other murders?"

Flynn shook his head. "No. I don't buy that for a second. Everything we know for a fact about him and his actions lines up too perfectly with the rest of the Heartbreaker's methods. Besides, I may have been blindfolded the time I was abducted, but I recognize his voice."

Estelle nodded. "I think so, too. I just hope the jury agrees."

Just as Flynn opened his mouth to speak, the door to his office slammed open. For a split second, he assumed it was Yuri because who else would barge into his office without knocking? Of course it wasn't him, though. Instead it was Rita, breathing heavily. "Estelle, you have to go to the hospital  _right now_."

Estelle leapt to her feet. "What's going on? Is Yuri ok?" She rushed to the door with Flynn only steps behind.

Rita grabbed Estelle's wrist and took off running, explaining as she went. "A knight came to your room looking for you. A messenger from the hospital showed up to say Yuri was hemorrhaging and if you don't go right now to cast First Aid he probably won't make it."

If possible, Flynn pushed himself to run even faster. How could this have happened? Yuri was perfectly fine yesterday! The exact how didn't matter for now, when all he could focus on was getting to the hospital as quickly as possible. There wasn't anything he would be able to do, but if Yuri was in danger he wanted to be there. As the three of them raced from the castle to the hospital, the streets passed in a blur of crunching snow and freezing breaths.

Imagining Yuri bleeding to death made every step feel too slow, but they must have made the trip in record time. When they charged into the entrance, Sylvie didn't even have to ask what they were here for and pointed down a hall. A nurse Flynn didn't recognize ran out to meet them.

"Princess Estellise! Thank goodness you're here."

"Where is he? Is he-"

"He's still alive. This way."

Flynn hated the use of the world 'still'. This couldn't be happening again. It had been less than two months ago that he'd stayed up almost all night after emerging from the catacombs, terrified that any moment he'd get word that Yuri hadn't pulled through. He couldn't do this again!

They raced down the hall and through a set of double doors to another wing. They crossed a waiting room and down a short hall, where the nurse opened a door. Flynn caught a glimpse of Yuri lying face-down on a table, his bare back covered in blood that dripped down his sides. Estelle rushed in immediately, while the nurse blocked Flynn before he could run in.

"Please sit and wait. You'll only complicate things by rushing in."

Rita stepped to the side so she could see around Flynn. "But-"

"Someone will talk to you as soon as possible. Please sit down and wait."

She slammed the door shut, leaving Flynn staring at a blank expanse of wood. Behind this door, Yuri might be dying. But the nurse was right - there wasn't anything he could do. He had no healing abilities or medical knowledge, and he hadn't even washed his hands so hanging around a sterile operating room would only make things worse. With nothing else to do, he and Rita slunk back to the waiting room.

"What the hell happened?" Rita asked, staring down the hall with clenched fists. "He was fine yesterday."

"I don't know. Why is he in surgery? No one told me he needed any kind of surgery."

"It must have been an emergency of some kind. Dammit, I thought he was in the rehabilitation stage now. He's not supposed to keep getting hurt!"

Flynn looked over at Rita, who seemed to hope that the heat from her furious glare would evaporate the tears glistening in her eyes. Flynn couldn't say he knew her very well, so sometimes he forgot that beneath her hard exterior, she legitimately cared about Yuri as much as the rest of his friends. "Lady Estellise is the best healer in the world. I'm sure he'll be fine."

Even though he'd said it, Flynn found it hard to believe it. Logically, if Estelle had brought him back from near death before she could do it again, but Flynn couldn't help playing out endless scenarios where the doctor came out to tell them Yuri hadn't made it. When the door to the operating room finally opened, Flynn's heart throbbed so hard he wondered if he needed to be checked into the hospital, too. He found himself rising to his feet, and blurted, "Is he alive?"

"Yes, he's alive."

So much blood raced through Flynn's ears he almost couldn't hear. With the news that Yuri was alive, his strength gave out and he fell back into his seat. "Thank heavens."

"What happened?" Rita demanded. "I thought he was ok? Was there an accident?"

Dr. Burke clasped his hands and glanced at the floor. "We were attempting a surgery to reconnect his spinal cord. It did not go as planned."

"Why?" Flynn asked. "If this was something you needed to do, why not do it earlier?"

"Because the surgery is still in the experimental stage and is known to be highly risky. I didn't have much hope that it would be successful."

Anger flashed and Flynn struggled to remain calm. "You performed a highly risky and experimental surgery on him? Why?!"

"He demanded it." Burke stepped around and took a seat next to Flynn. "He came to my office last night and demanded we attempt any known surgery that might work."

"And did you tell him you didn't have much hope for success?"

"I did," Burke said. "I fully explained to him that the surgery was still experimental and that there were risks involved. He insisted we give it a shot and signed a consent waiver."

Flynn gaped at him. There was no way Yuri could be  _that_  reckless… could he? He remembered that yesterday Yuri had stabbed himself in an attempt to feel anything and felt sick. It was suddenly blindingly clear that Yuri really would do  _anything_  to walk again, even at the risk of his own life.

"How could you do that?!" Rita looked about ready to knock Burke's lights out.

"He demanded we give him the surgery and gave his complete informed consent. Nothing we did was illegal."

"No," Flynn said slowly, thoughts coming together. "What you did was not illegal. Unethical… debatable. It's true he gave you consent but… I don't think Yuri is fit to give it at this time." He didn't want to say it, because this was  _Yuri_  and he wanted to believe Yuri was on track to going back to his old self. Thinking about Yuri stabbing himself, or how distracted and fidgety he'd been on the witness stand when he had to talk about certain things, and especially this incredibly reckless attempt at surgical intervention made him certain. "From now on, I want any issue that requires consent passed to me instead. I don't think he's mentally healthy enough to make informed decisions."

Rita gave him an uneasy look. "Are you sure?"

"He's clearly not adjusting to disability well and he's going to get himself killed."

Burke frowned. "Usually we would only pass rights to medical decisions to a spouse or parent."

"Of which he has neither. But, Yuri has no money. All of his bills are being paid by me, so I have a right to decide what my money is being spent on. That means you can't give him any treatments if I don't ok them first."

Burke nodded. "That is an acceptable arrangement."

"I want him to talk to a mental health professional. He won't want to, but I really think he needs it."

"Very well. I'll have that arranged."

After that, Flynn could have gone back to work but he couldn't stand leaving the hospital until he talked to Yuri. He met up with Estelle a little later and let her hug him after she washed blood from her hands. He explained to her the arrangement, and frowned with concern.

"Yuri isn't going to be happy about this. Are you sure it's best? He's already upset about losing his mobility - taking away his agency might make things worse."

Flynn winced, wondering if this made him a horrible person. "I know. I'm prepared for him to hate me, but I'd rather have him alive and hating me than dead." He could only hope that when Yuri was himself again he'd see reason and forgive him. "Do you know exactly what happened?"

Estelle pulled away and and thought about it. "Not… entirely. Dr. Burke said it was some kind of stroke, but it affected his spine instead of his brain. He had a lot of internal bleeding and his blood pressure is almost as low as it was when he first got here, but he's alive.

Flynn couldn't wait for the days when Yuri merely being alive was something to feel thankful for.

Rita and Estelle joined Flynn in Yuri's room, waiting for him to wake up from sedation. At least an hour went by before he finally pried his eyes open.

Flynn leaned forward with anticipation when he woke up, and Yuri wrinkled his brow in confusion. "Hey… it six already? Why're you here?"

"Yuri," he breathed in relief. Burke said Yuri would be fine, but he hadn't truly believed it until hearing his voice. "Thank heavens you're alive."

Yuri's eyes flickered and he pulled his hand up to rub them. "S-s-sorry," he tried to stifle a yawn. "I'm feeling kinda groggy."

"Of course you are," Estelle jumped in. "They put you under for the surgery and it's just wearing off now. It's nothing to worry about."

"Surgery…? Oh!" His eyes widened. There was a long moment of silence, and then his face fell. "But… I can't… I still can't move."

"The surgery was not a success." Flynn struggled to keep his voice level.

There was a long pause. Yuri took a protracted breath, and then rolled onto his stomach to press his face against the pillow to smother a growl of frustration.

Flynn forced himself to remain calm. He wanted to shout at Yuri for being so reckless but the situation was delicate. "I know you're disappointed, but you realize that what you did was very dangerous, right? You almost died."

Yuri mumbled something with his eyes closed, but since it was smothered by both the pillow and his grogginess, Flynn couldn't make it out.

"Pardon?"

Yuri raised his head and repeated himself. "Worth it."

If Flynn had been at all uncertain if Yuri was not in his right mind, that would have cemented it. He  _knew_  he'd almost died and he still thought nearly killing himself was worth a slim chance at recovery. This was beyond reckless - it was a childish disregard for consequences and an inability to see the larger picture, and until Yuri got his head sorted out, Flynn was going to have to take responsibility for him.

Yuri rested the side of his face against the pillow and closed his eyes, mumbling, "I wanna go home."

"I don't think that's a good idea," Estelle said. "You just lost a lot of blood, Yuri. You're really weak and you haven't finished your rehabilitation yet."

"What's the… the…" he paused to yawn, "…point o' rehab if they can't make me walk again? I wanna get out of here."

"No." Flynn glanced to Estelle, steeling himself. "Yuri, I can't allow that. At the very least, you need to stay in the hospital until you've recovered from this attempted surgery."

Yuri's lip curled; Flynn hated seeing this look directed at him. "Can't  _allow_  that? It's my choice."

"Not anymore." He couldn't let his resolve waver. This was for the best. "I've told the hospital to refer all issues of permission to me. I don't feel that you're fully capable of making rational decisions in your current state."

Yuri shoved off the mattress to sit up, probably aiming to throttle Flynn, but before he got halfway there he choked, grimaced, and fell back to the mattress. "Ungh…"

"Watch it!" Rita scooted forward, halfway to reaching for him.

"Please be careful, Yuri." Estelle's hand rested on his shoulder, both soothing and keeping him from getting up again. "The wound on your back is still really tender."

After a few pants, Yuri seethed, "I'm not a child. I can make my own decisions. I'm not… I'm not helpless."

Flynn had to tiptoe around this conversation carefully lest he make Yuri's mental state worse. "I didn't say you are. You are injured and you need help and I'm going to make sure you get the help you need."

"I'm sick of being helped."

Estelle slowly rubbed his back. "Everyone needs help sometimes, Yuri. You helped me when I was kidnapped by Alexei, and now it's our turn to help you. Remember how we talked about this?"

"Stop patronizing me. I don't - wait."

Her hand paused. "Is something wrong?"

"Move your hand lower."

Flynn watched with worry. "Are you in pain? Should I get the doctor?"

Estelle slid her hand across his back, until Yuri's eyes widened with horror when she reached an area about a hand-length above the scar of the original injury. "I - I can't feel that."

Estelle's fingers tensed.

"How is that possible?" Rita's eyes darted between Yuri's face and the scar. "I thought you'd lost feeling  _below_  the injury?"

Yuri reached for his back himself, patting his hip and back with a clumsy and pale hand. "Dammit," he breathed. " _Fuck_." He wiggled on his chest, flexing what muscles in his trunk he could. "Ok… ok that works."

"Yuri, what's going on?" Helplessness overwhelmed Flynn. All he wanted to do was fix Yuri's problems, but there was nothing he could do but watch.

Yuri squirmed and then with a mighty heave, rolled to his side, wincing as it strained his healing back. "I can't feel this." He patted the area a few inches below his pecs. He seemed to be talking more to himself than the others in the room, his brow furrowed with worry and frustration. After flexing his abs again, he said, "I can move them as well as I could, but…"

Flynn's face fell. "You can't feel it at all?"

His frown deepened. "Sort of?" He ran his fingers over his stomach. "It's kind of splotchy."

"What about this?" Rita leaned over and poked his back.

"Ok, this is weird. I can tell  _something_  his touching me, but I can't pinpoint where."

"What about now?"

"Did you move your hand?"

Rita pulled her hand away from the second position. "This is weird."

"I'll talk to your doctor about it."

Yuri's confusion snapped to anger as he turned his gaze to Flynn. "I can talk to him myself. I'm an adult. I told you I don't need you acting as my guardian or whatever."

Knowing that Yuri had actually managed to make his condition worse made Flynn more confident than ever he'd done the right thing. He couldn't allow Yuri to make this any worse than it already was. "I just meant I could pop by his office on my way out instead of you waiting for him to visit."

"I can go to his office myself. I can get around in the chair just fine."

"I don't think you should." Estelle gave the chair a worried glance. "You're really low on blood and the wounds from the surgery have only barely healed. You should stay in bed for a few days until you're stronger."

"I'm back to being confined to bed all day?!"

"I'm sorry, Yuri… it's for the best…"

"Great." He fell back onto his stomach and buried his face into his pillow. "Just great."

* * *

Yuri wasn't happy with his lunch. The food itself was fine - or at least as fine as the hospital kitchen could manage - but it was the way it was served that irritated him. He had a piece of meat, but it had been cut into small chunks before being delivered.

"What's with this?" he asked Harriet-Dear when she brought it in. "My hands work just fine. I can cut my own meat."

Harriet-Dear smiled and patted him on the head. "Well, dear, after what happened the other day we decided it would be best to not give you a knife, just in case."

"So you're not trusting me with sharp objects, then? Just what I need. Seriously, how many times do I have to explain I was testing something? I already know it won't work so it's not like I'm going to try again."

"Don't fuss, dear. It's for your own safety. See, we've already cut your food up into nice little pieces so you don't even need a knife. Isn't that nice?"

Yuri scowled at his plate, unable to shake the memory of having his meals served already cut up like this by Flynn's mom when he was six. "I think I can manage cutting my own meat, thank you very much. My missing finger isn't  _that_  debilitating."

The nurse laughed and ruffled his hair. "Yes, dear, we know you can cut things - that's what we're trying to avoid! Just eat your lunch and maybe when you're done you can have a little nap. You're looking very sleepy, dear."

He wouldn't admit it to her, but he was rather tired. His nightmares had been ramping back up again forcing him to sleep in fitful bursts. Even then, he only had nightmares when he managed to ignore the stabbing ache in his back long enough to fall asleep. It had gotten worse since the surgery but he refused to complain about it. He still insisted that the surgery had been a worthwhile risk and he wasn't going to let anyone point to this as evidence that it had been a dangerous waste of time.

"Just buzz off, would you? I want to eat in peace."

Harriet-Dear tutted in disapproval at his tone, but thankfully left him alone. As soon as she was gone, he rammed his fork into a piece of meat. This was such  _bullshit_. They didn't trust him with a knife?! What was he, some fragile toddler who needed head pats and diaper changes? He was ostensibly twenty-two years old, but ever since he'd woken up in the hospital he'd been treated like he was five.

He ate with a glower, and when that was done he grabbed a book off the nightstand because he wasn't allowed out of bed until the wounds from the surgery fully healed. If it was possible to aggressively read a book, Yuri had found the way. He flipped through the pages so quickly he almost got a paper cut and swore a few times about how stupid he was not to use a bookmark. When he finally found his page, he clenched the book so tight he almost left imprints on the paper. He found himself rooting for the dragon to fry these stupid characters he was forced to read about because he literally had nothing else to do than read about fictional people running around and doing all the exciting things this fucking spinal injury had taken away from him.

The door opened a little while later, and at first he thought it was someone here to take his lunch plate away. When he saw the woman's face, his heart sank as he recognized her. "What do you  _you_  want?"

"Hello, Yuri," Call-Me-Sarah said as she approached his bed. "I'm not sure if you remember me. We met about three weeks ago. My name is Dr. Rook, but you can call me-"

"Sarah, yeah, I remember. My memory is still working perfectly fine, thanks."

"Excellent." She sat in the chair by his bed. "So, how are you feeling today?"

"I'm gonna stop you right there." He snapped the book shut (shit, he'd forgotten to use a bookmark again) and set it aside. "I told you I wasn't interested in talking to a shrink three weeks ago, and I'm  _still_  not interested."

Call-Me-Sarah smiled blandly. "Things have changed. Your doctor has become very concerned about your mental state and thinks it is important you talk to me. Flynn agrees."

"But  _I_  do not agree, and seeing as it's my head you want to analyze, I think that's the most important part."

"Actually, the fact that you're so determined not to talk to me is part of the reason why I really think you  _should_  talk to me."

"I'm not talking to a therapist. End of discussion. I know how this works - you can't give me medical treatments I don't consent to."

"Well…" she fiddled her thumbs. "As I'm sure you're aware, in your case matters needing consent have been transferred to Commandant Flynn, and he agrees that this will be good for you."

Fucking Flynn. That conniving bastard was actually going to try to force him to talk to a therapist. He wasn't going to sit here and endure this bullshit. Maybe he wasn't supposed to get out of bed, but if they were going to force this on him he didn't give a shit about the rules. He was about to reach for his chair when he realized it was across the room. Fury flashed; that chair was his lifeline to the rest of the world. How  _dare_  someone take that away from him. He briefly considered throwing himself out of bed and crawling away, but quickly decided that was a good way to be a drama queen and probably injure his back further. With no chance of escape from his bed, he glared at Call-Me-Sarah and said, "All right, fine. They can force me to endure your presence, but I'm not participating." He crossed his arms and leaned back.

"Why don't you want to participate?"

"Because I don't need therapy, that's why!"

She watched him closely. "Why not? Plenty of people seek therapy, even if they don't have pressing concerns."

"I'm dealing with things just fine on my own. I don't need someone trying to get me to cry about my mother or whatever the hell you want to talk about."

"We can talk about whatever you want to talk about. Do you want to talk about your mother?"

"I don't even have a mother."

"Everybody has a mother."

Yuri rolled his eyes. "Ok, fine, if you want to be technical. Yes, there was a human female who gave birth to me, but it's not like I remember her."

"Did she die when you were young?"

"When I was a baby, yeah."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Were you raised by your father, then?"

"Nah, I don't even know who - hey, wait!" He pointed a finger at her. "I see what you're doing and I'm not going to fall for it."

"I'm just trying to talk to you."

Yuri turned his head to the window. Maybe if he ignored her long enough she'd go away. Talking to a therapist meant you weren't strong enough to wrangle your demons on your own, and Yuri was  _not_  that weak. He'd managed by himself for the majority of his life - losing control of his legs didn't mean he suddenly needed help with basic tasks like dealing with emotions.

"Hm… if you don't want to talk about your past, how about your present? What did you do today?"

Yuri snorted. "You're looking at it."

"You must be very bored lying in the hospital all day."

'Bored' didn't even begin to cover it. "A bit, yeah."

"What sort of things would you be doing if you weren't in the hospital?"

She wasn't going to let up, was she? Maybe if he responded she'd go away faster. He heaved a sigh, resigning himself to being forced to talk about his feelings. He eyed his chair across the room the way a man on a sinking ship would gaze at a lifeboat on the horizon. "I don't know what I'd be doing. Running a mission of some kind, probably, but our guild does a little of everything so it could have been anything. I got a letter from Karol the other day that said they were busy slaying monster in the Weasand of Cados last week. I would have been there, I guess." It had been difficult to read that letter through pangs of longing. Fighting monsters in Cados sounded like the most thrilling thing in the world compared to where he was stuck.

"Karol… he's the boss of your guild, correct?"

"Yeah. He's a good kid. He and I founded Brave Vesperia together."

"And you two are good friends?"

"Sure. He always looked up to me."

Call-Me-Sarah paused, watched him for a moment, and then asked, "You said 'looked up to'. Past tense. Is there a reason for that?"

Yuri turned his head. He hadn't really thought about it when he said it, and he didn't want to think about it now. Karol idolized him as being everything he wanted to grow up to be, but he hardly wanted to grow up to be paralyzed and wheelchair-bound. He shrugged and tried to laugh it off. "I used to be taller than him, but since I'm always sitting down now, he doesn't have to look up at me anymore."

She waited, as if expecting him to talk about the actual reason, but she'd be waiting until the sun burned out. Eventually she gave up. "It sounds like you really enjoy your guild. Are you looking forward to going back with them when you get out of the hospital?"

Yuri sneered. "Oh, yes, that will be just perfect. They can wheel me around between battles."

"You don't think you'll go back to work in your guild, then?"

He hadn't really thought about this, because honestly he'd rather not, but when he confronted the idea, it was obvious he was going to have to quit the guild. At the most, maybe he could manage the desk or something. Karol would find something for him to do if he asked, but Yuri wasn't keen on wasting their resources in an attempt to make him feel needed. "I wouldn't count on it."

"Why not?"

"We don't need a guy who sits around the office. Giving me that job would just be giving me busy work. They don't need me and I'm not going to hold them back."

"Why do you say you'd hold them back?"

"I think that should be blindingly obvious." He gestured at his legs. "I can't exactly keep up with people without walking."

"You'd be surprised how fast a wheelchair can go," she said mildly.

"Yeah, but considering an enemy can render me useless simply by walking up a couple stairs, I really don't see a future on the battlefield for me. I'm not being pessimistic, I'm being realistic."

Call-Me-Sarah nodded slowly. "You may be right. How does that make you feel?"

Yuri stared at her, because how the hell did she think it made him feel? Thinking he was never going to fight or help his guild again made him want to hurl chairs across the room. "Just peachy, can't you tell?"

"Yuri… I can't help you if you won't talk to me."

"Yeah, that was kind of my plan." His steadily mounting frustration flowed out in the form of, "Do you have all your conversations with cripples who can't escape, or do some people actually associate with you voluntarily?"

If his cruel words bothered her, she didn't let it show. "You're really determined not to talk to me, aren't you?" She drummed her fingers on the back of her hand. "Why do you think you're so committed to not accepting help?"

"I don't  _need_  help." He didn't need help pre-cutting his lunch, either. He was not a child, despite what everyone seemed to think.

"You need help when you're injured, don't you? You've accepted help from nurses to heal your wounds and from physical therapists to help mobility."

"It's different."

"Why do you think it's different?"

He smashed his fist on the mattress. "It just is! Is it time for you to go yet?"

She smiled. "No, I still have plenty of time to talk. Why don't we talk about your friends some more?"

Yuri leaned back and barely suppressed a groan.

Call-Me-Sarah stuck around for at least another hour. She seemed to want to talk about  _everything_ , from how his relationship with Flynn was going to the story behind Repede and whether he liked dogs more than cats. Yuri tried not to get angry with her because he knew she earnestly was trying to help, but he desperately didn't want her help and just found the entire experience irritating. If anything, she'd actually made him more upset than before because being trapped in bed and physically unable to escape a conversation highlighted just how helpless he was.

When she was finally wrapping up, she folded her hands on her lap and said, "I think you've lived a remarkably independent life. With very few people to lean on since early childhood, you've become accustomed to taking care of yourself. But, you are no longer in that position and you are no longer capable of fully taking care of yourself. I think understanding your limitations and learning to rely on others without interpreting it as weakness will go a long way in improving your morale."

Yuri tightened his crossed arms, stubbornly not looking at her. He didn't want to let her see the spark of confirmation in his eyes. If you couldn't take care of yourself on the streets, you didn't survive. That, or you leeched off the generosity of the neighbourhood like a parasite and made life harder for everyone, which was not something Yuri had any intention of being. He didn't want to 'learn to rely on others', he wanted to learn how to get back to relying on himself, but that dream seemed farther and farther away by the minute. "Great. Thanks. You've truly been a huge help."

"It was nice to talk to you, Yuri. I'll see you again tomorrow, ok?"

"What? I thought we were done."

"We're hardly finished after just one session. Have a nice evening."

She left and Yuri grabbed his pillow, pressing it against his face and groaning into it. Fuck therapy. Fuck bed rest. And most of all, fuck paraplegia.

* * *

Flynn was already in a bad mood when he arrived at the hospital that evening. While the jury deliberated on Carter's trial, Flynn had received mail from various people throughout Zaphias telling him he was complete scum for even prosecuting "that poor young man". It would never cease to amaze Flynn how a man could torture and murder eight people, but as long as he was the right kind of man - that is, fairly wealthy, conventionally attractive, and with just enough tragic history - he could be forgiven for anything. Clearly Flynn just wasn't trying to  _understand_  poor little Timothy, the letters claimed. He hadn't counted how many were from young noble men who refused to believe a person of their demographic could be capable of atrocities and how many were from women who seemed to believe that Carter was a poor, misunderstood baby who needed the power of their love to become a better man.

Flynn tossed all these letters in the fire. The furious, emotional part of him wanted to track down the writers and force them to understand how it felt to stand in a cold, dark chamber lined with corpses with the reek of blood heavy in the air. He wanted them to know how a few simple words tossed teasingly into the dark could pierce through you and cling to your heart so they could play over and over again in the dead of night almost two months later. "Did you  _love_  him?" Carter had teased while Yuri bled to death in front of him.

 _Yes_ , Flynn thought as he entered the hospital right after six.  _I do love him_. That was why reading letters from Carter's deranged supporters made him want to smash his fists through a wall, and that was why he wanted to smash his fists through Carter's face when he saw Yuri lying on his side in his hospital bed. Even after almost two months, Flynn still couldn't get used to seeing Yuri in the hospital. It was as weird to imagine as his new haircut, even when it was right in front of him.

"Good evening, Yuri."

Yuri rolled over to face him, and Flynn took a moment to appreciate that Yuri was able to move with increasing ease. Not too long ago, just moving around on the mattress was a frustrating challenge for him. It gave Flynn hope that soon other mobility tasks would be just as easy as this had become.

"Hey." The cold radiating from Yuri's eyes froze the happy bubble.

"Is something wrong?"

"I had a little chat with a shrink today."

"That's… good." It was, but Yuri clearly didn't think so.

"She was an obnoxious pain in the ass and you know what she told me? That  _you_  insisted she talk to me."

No point trying to hide it. "That's true."

With a soft grunt and wince, Yuri pushed himself upright. "What the hell, Flynn? We've had this discussion. I don't want to talk to a damn therapist."

"Whether you want to or not, you need help."

"And what gives you the right to make that decision for me?"

Flynn couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Yuri this angry at him. They'd had plenty of arguments and disagreements in the past, but usually Yuri's anger was more a general frustration at the whole situation. It was rare to see such fury directly solely at him and it almost melted his resolve. Almost. "You stabbed yourself. I'm sorry, Yuri, but people who stab themselves need mental help and that's just the way it is. If you think you are totally fine and that stabbing yourself was totally cool, you are not fine."

"Stop treating me like a child!"

Flynn clenched his fists and leaned forward, knees pressing against the bed. "I am treating you like a child because you are  _acting_  like a child. I understand that you're under a lot of duress, but refusing help because it hurts your ego is childish and accomplishes nothing but hurting yourself and those who love you."

"I was  _trying_  to help myself through surgery but apparently getting help is only good when it comes with your seal of approval."

"Are you a complete idiot?!" It must look terrible, he thought, to lose his temper and scream at a person lying in a hospital bed. "Did you think about the ramifications of that surgery at all?"

"It's  _my_  body. I can make my own decisions about what I do with it."

"In the span of one day you jammed a knife into your leg and then agreed to a dangerous surgery with barely any thought. No, Yuri, you cannot make your own decisions. My only hope is that once you've healed both physically  _and_  mentally, you'll understand what a moronic decision this was and forgive me."

"Shut up with that bullshit. We both know I'm not going to heal physically and I'm perfectly fine mentally already. And would you sit down? I hate having conversations with people looming over me like that."

Flynn dropped into the chair, because that at least was a reasonable request. In his anger he'd forgotten, but it was rude to not have a conversation at eye level when possible. "I love you, Yuri, but I will not stand by and watch you kill yourself. I'm only trying to help and I hope one day you understand that."

"I never asked for your help."

"Yes, that is the root of your problem." Flynn slumped his shoulders and hung his head. "Yuri, I really am sorry. I know how frustrated you must be and I knew you were going to hate me for this. I'm just… I'm really worried about you. I actually thought you were going to die yesterday, and I couldn't bear to lose you, not after all you've survived." All of this was his fault. He'd put Yuri in that chair, and if Yuri died because of it, Flynn would never be able to live with himself.

Yuri's expression softened, if only minutely. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"Well, you did, and I don't know if I can trust you not to be reckless again. I just want you to heal and go back to the way things used to be, and I'll do whatever it takes to get you there, even if you hate me at the end of it."

Yuri glared at him for a hot minute, crossed his arms, and turned away. "Do me a favour and get lost."

"What?"

"Ordinarily at this point in the conversation I'd storm out because I've reached my bullshit limit, but that's not happening so can you at least do this for me?"

"Yuri…"

"I can't walk, Flynn," he snapped. "Taking advantage of my inability to leave a conversation is pretty shitty."

"All right. I'm sorry." Flynn rose and started walking for the door, feeling like he was dragging an anvil. He paused and looked back. "Yuri, I-"

"Come back when you're going to treat me as an equal."

"I'm sorry." Yuri didn't want to hear it, so he left.

He was still in a foul mood when he got home. He couldn't even bring himself to make dinner and just trudged to his room. He crossed the rug that hid the blood stain on his carpet and collapsed face-forward on his bed, booted feet sticking out.

A minute later, the door pushed open and Repede leapt onto the bed. He sniffed the back of Flynn's head and then licked his ears.

Flynn smiled a little. "Hey, Repede."

Repede plopped on the mattress, curling up near Flynn. He could smell Yuri on Flynn and could tell his human was in a foul mood, so he could probably guess the two of them had been fighting. He nudged the side of Flynn's face in comfort.

"He's pretty pissed with me. Not that I blame him." He turned his head to face Repede so he wasn't talking into the blanket. "I hate doing this. I know he's angry and he has every right to be, but I'm just so worried. He almost died yesterday, Repede. I had to do  _something_."

Repede growled softly.

"I don't know if he'll ever forgive me. But… as long as he's alive to hate me… that's something, I guess."


	12. Hospital Break

There were only two things that made Yuri feel less miserable: physical therapy and talking to Malcolm. Physical therapy was great because it gave him a chance to  _do_  things and feel like he was getting stronger. Unfortunately, it had been suspended after the surgery until he recovered from the massive blood loss and had the strength to actually do it again. This left him with nothing to do all day but wheel himself aimlessly around the hospital until he got tired (which happened frustratingly fast thanks to his low blood levels) or lie in bed and read. He'd had more fun in a jail cell and he'd never been in jail for two whole months.

And then there was Malcolm. Flynn, Estelle, Rita, letters from Karol, Judy, and Raven… they all tried to empathize with him. He didn't fault them for trying, but it inevitably came across as sympathy and Yuri was getting pretty tired of being pitied. It was nice, then, to be able to rant at a guy going through the same thing. There was never a concern that he was judging him, which was more than could be said of Call-Me-Sarah, who reminded him of what he should call her at least twice a session. She forced him to talk to her for over an hour every day, repeatedly psychoanalyzing his attempts to tell her to stop psychoanalyzing him.

"Have you ever just been…  _bored_  of being in pain?," Yuri said one evening. He sat in his wheelchair, leaning forward on the table in his room. Malcolm sat in a proper chair, because he'd come over with a walker. Yuri managed to bite down his envy and be happy for all the improvement his friend was making.

Malcolm wrinkled his brow in confusion.

Yuri massaged his back, which didn't do any good because he couldn't feel the part that ached anyway. He'd been feeling tired, nauseated, and sore for days, which supposedly was because he'd lost so much blood but that conversation always led to telling him that was why consenting to the surgery had been a terrible mood. "I've been in varying degrees of pain for two months and I'm thinking, ok, I get it. This is what pain feels like. It doesn't even hurt that bad today, but constant aching just gets old, you know?"

Malcolm nodded. "Mm… yes."

"Great, so it's not just me." He drummed his fingers on the table. There was nothing to  _do_  here. He'd never been so bored in his life, and when that boredom mixed with ever-mounting irritation it was amazing he hadn't smashed anything yet. "I've got to get out of here. Two months is way too long to spend in a hospital."

Malcolm shrugged and held up five fingers.

Yuri winced. "Ah, yeah, sorry. You've been here five already." If Yuri was still here in three months, he'd stab more then just his leg.

"Ah… really, I…" Malcolm frowned, struggling to find the words.

Yuri waited patiently. Even when he knew what Malcolm was trying to say, he avoided finishing sentences for him. Yuri hated it when people tried to help him without asking, so he was hardly going to do the same to someone else.

"Going to house. Soon."

Yuri straightened up. "You're going home soon?"

Malcolm nodded. "Staying with… people… family. Parents."

Yuri's face strained as he tried to keep a smile on. "Hey, that's great! You're going to stay with your parents, then? Where?"

"Um…" He tapped his finger on the table as he tried to remember the name. "H… hel…"

Heliord. Not even staying in Zaphias. It  _was_  great, and Yuri was happy for him. Malcolm was making so many improvements and it was good for him to leave and stay with his family until he fully recovered if he didn't need full-time support from nurses anymore. But… dammit, who was Yuri going to talk to from now on?

"Heliord," Malcolm finally managed to say and smiled, proud of himself.

Yuri smiled, too, refusing to let him feel guilty about healing. If he mentioned being lonely, Estelle would spend her entire day hanging out with him, but that was why he couldn't mention it. She had things to do; he didn't want to burden her with entertaining him all day. Repede wasn't allowed to visit, Flynn could only come by for an hour in the evenings, Rita was so caught up in researching blastia alternatives she forgot what day it was, and the rest of his friends were off having adventures in Tolbyccia and being productive members of society. Other patients came and went, but the majority of them were elderly nobles that weren't very entertaining to chat with. He was going to be left with no one to talk to by Call-Me-Sarah, which went completely against his efforts to do anything but talk to her.

"Give me your address before you leave. I'll write to you. Can someone read it to you?"

Malcolm nodded. "Yuri… thanks."

Yuri held up his fist. "It's been fun."

He reached over with his non-paralyzed arm and bumped Yuri's fist. "Yeah."

* * *

Malcolm was gone three days later. As Yuri had anticipated, this resulted in a marked increase in boredom levels. He was so desperate for someone to talk to (other than a shrink, whom he didn't consider an option), he didn't even care if he was pissed off at Flynn and looked forward to seeing him every day. When Flynn did visit, he noticeably avoided any mention of the failed surgery or forced conversations with a therapist. These topics were likely to start an argument, and Yuri was more than willing to avoid it. They had one hour together a day, and Yuri wasn't going to waste his single hour of proper conversation fighting.

A couple of days after Malcolm left, Yuri lay in bed, fuming. He'd finished another frustrating conversation with Call-Me-Sarah, and wondered why everyone said talking to her was good for him when it just left him pissed off. She kept telling him that he needed to think about why he was so reluctant to accept any kind of help, but he didn't want to think about that because it reminded him that he needed help.

The door opened and Cecilia arrived with dinner. "Good evening, Yuri. What's up?"

He rolled on his side. "Absolutely nothing."

"Hey, keep your chin up. You'll get your strength back in no time and then you'll feel better and can get back to working out. Do you want dinner in bed?"

He waved his hand. "Nah, put it on the table. I can get out of bed."

While Yuri pulled himself to the edge of the bed, she said, "Whatever you want. Let me know if you need anything."

"I need you to get me out of here." He slid along the transfer board to get into the chair. He'd almost managed to transfer without it before the surgery, but apparently losing half your body's blood supply made it hard to summon the upper-body strength to do that. "Who decides when I can get discharged?"

Cecilia frowned. "I'll talk to Dr. Burke about it, and he can discuss it with Flynn. They'll probably want to keep you here at the very least until your blood levels get back to normal."

Oh, right, Yuri's opinion didn't actually matter anymore. He wasn't  _competent_ enough to make his own decisions. "And what if I said I don't give a damn about my blood levels because they can recover just as well from home? Cecilia, this is nothing against you because you're pretty much my favourite person here, but I don't think I can handle one more day in this place."

She let out a small sigh as he rolled to the table, where his pre-cut dinner awaited him. "I really am sorry, Yuri. I wish there was more I could do for you, but discharge isn't my decision. If there's anything I can do to make you more comfortable while you're here…"

"No. You're doing a fine job as it is." He grabbed his fork and rammed it into a chunk of potato. He hated living here. He hated every person who worked here other than Cecilia. He hated being injured and he hated being bored and if he had to spend another two months trapped in here "for his own good," he would strangle someone.

* * *

It was approximately two in the morning, and Yuri was awake. He often found himself awake at this time after snapping out of a nightmare, but this time it was deliberate. Footsteps disappeared down the hall as the night nurse - he couldn't even remember this one's name - left after checking on him. She hadn't done more than poke her head in, because he was a low-priority patient now. Well, he'd always been low-priority to staff members like Grandma Smiley, but now even the ones who cared about him weren't too worried about him since he was stable and just here for rehab.

Satisfied the nurse was gone, he opened his eyes and sat up. Slowly, quietly, he moved to the edge of the bed and transferred to his chair. He had two hours before the nurse would be back. The sound of wheels rolling on wooden floors seemed cacophonous when he was trying to be quiet. At his dresser, he slipped on a jacket but couldn't be bothered with shoes; they were too much of a pain to put on.

Dressed, Yuri snuck to the door. He opened it slowly, glanced up and down the hall to make sure he was alone, and then rolled out. Before anyone else could come down this hall and catch him out of bed, Yuri hurried toward the exit. He couldn't go out the main exit because someone at the desk would see him, but there was another door around the back and he was pretty sure it had a ramp.

Certain someone would spot him at any moment, he rolled as quietly as he could to the hallway at the back of the hospital. It was a small building, so he didn't have to go too far. There was the door, which in his mind glowed like the gates of heaven. His heart beat a little faster as he approached; freedom was so close he could taste it. When he opened the door, freezing night air punched him in the face. After breathing the icy air, he saw something that deflated his heart.

There wasn't a ramp. But, there was only one step down to the street. If he could just get down this one step… well, why couldn't he? Going up a step was a little more difficult, but with gravity on his side, he was sure he could get down. He definitely wasn't going back to his room after getting a taste of freedom purely because of one rotten step. Cold air burned his lungs as he braced his arms against the doorway, and then push forward.

He wobbled as the front wheels passed the edge and his arms shook from the strain of staying level. Just gotta… ease down… his front wheels hit the street, and then -

"Hey, where are you going?"

Crap! He released the doorway in his rush to escape and rolled forward. The back wheels hit the ground hard but he was out. Running footsteps and shouts behind him couldn't stop him now, because he was out! He pushed, forcing snow under the wheels. It would slow him down but if he pushed hard enough he'd get to the main street, which was shovelled.

Someone grabbed the back handle. "Excuse me, are you supposed to be out here."

"Get off me." He twisted around to shove the person's hand away.

"Aren't you Yuri Lowell?" the man said. "You're supposed to be in bed. I'm going to need you to come back inside."

"Sorry, no can do." He pushed the man away and then pushed his wheels forward with as much strength as he could. He was going home and they couldn't stop him.

"What's going on?" A woman arrived, presumably the night nurse. "Oh! Yuri, what are you doing out here?"

"I'm going home so get out of my way."

She grabbed his chair and pulled him back. "You need to go back to your room."

Yuri twisted and grabbed her wrist, but as soon as he got her off, the orderly took her place. "Get your hands off me! This isn't a prison; I can leave when I want."

Shouts came down the hall as more staff arrived. Dammit, dammit, they were ruining everything. They had no right to keep him here. He gave up trying to get them off his chair and grabbed the wheels, determined to keep moving.

The orderly rounded the chair and grabbed his wrists. "I'm sorry, we can't let you leave tonight."

Instinct told him to kick the bastard between the legs, but that wasn't going to happen so he yanked his arms. The air burned his lungs and the crunch of snow alerted him to newcomers. Breath fogged the air from the handful of people now in the alley, and strong hands gripped the chair's handles, dragging him back to the door. He couldn't throw the orderly off and they'd almost got him back to building. In a desperate effort to escape, he threw himself forward and headbutted the orderly. The man grunted and stumbled back, giving Yuri an opening to pull his hands free. A solid punch to the gut knocked the man aside and an elbow to his right landed in someone's stomach.

His own head ached from the impact but this was his one shot at freedom. He grabbed the wheels, not even caring that they were freezing and he'd forgotten his gloves. There was no way in hell he was going to let them take him back to that hospital room. People were shouting but he didn't give a crap what they were saying. He couldn't tell any of the bastards apart because he was too focused on getting out of here to waste time looking up at faces. It didn't matter - he just had to punch and fight anyone who tried to pull him back inside.

He couldn't feel the syringe, but he saw it jab into his thigh. The nurse shouted when he punched him in the face and the metal needle flashed in the moonlight on its way to the ground. Shit, shit, they'd drugged him! He had to get out of here before it kicked in.

A man grabbed his right arm and someone else grabbed his left. No matter how much he fought and struggled, they were stronger than him and he couldn't get free. Without his arms free, he couldn't move. "Get the hell off me!" He twisted, pulled and fought, but someone behind him grabbed the chair and pulled it over the step. The warmth of the hallway flowed over him but he'd never been more angry to come in out of the cold.

Warmth wasn't the only thing flowing over him, though. His anger dimmed even as he struggled to hold it close. Lethargy sunk into his bones as the door slammed shut, cutting him off from the outside world. "You can't…" he breathed, "can't do this. I'm not… a prisoner." He just wanted to sleep and that almost drowned out his desire for freedom. He couldn't even will himself to fight as the group of nurses and orderlies pushed him back to his room, still holding his arms tight.

* * *

Flynn woke up at his desk. Well, that was not entirely accurate. Technically, he'd woken up in bed at home, had a piece of toast, gotten dressed, and walked to work. He'd done all that in a fugue state because his legs didn't need his brain's input to find his office, so he didn't really wake up until Sodia set a mug of coffee and a stack of envelopes on his desk. Just the fumes of caffeine drifting to his nose fired up slumbering brain cells.

"Good morning, sir."

His lips mumbled a good morning without putting thought into it. He hadn't been getting much sleep lately, because stress about Yuri and Carter clanged around his brain all night. His eyes drifted to the In box, where unopened envelopes from yesterday's mail still waited. After one tired look at today's mail, he tossed it on top of the pile.

"I thought you should know, sir, that a messenger from the hospital came by this morning."

His head snapped up while all remaining brain cells jolted awake. Messages from the hospital had become his greatest fear. "Yes?"

"They thought you should be aware that Yuri Lowell attempted to leave the hospital last night against medical advice. He's unharmed and was brought back to his room."

Unharmed. Thank heavens. Still, trying to leave? What the hell was Yuri thinking now? He rested his forehead in his hands; he had enough to deal with as it was. "When do I have a window of opportunity to visit the hospital?"

Sodia had apparently anticipated this question because she answered without even thinking. "At ten-twenty, sir. You have a lunch meeting with His Majesty at eleven but there's nothing scheduled between that and your earlier meeting with Captain Grisham about Mantaic. Shall I add this visit to your schedule?"

Flynn nodded. "Please." Sodia left, and he suppressed a groan. He loved Yuri, but sometimes he wanted to strangle that bastard.

It was hard to focus on his work all morning because half his mind was at the hospital already, but he managed to get everything done in time to go over it with Grisham at their scheduled meeting. He just hoped he wasn't obviously eager to finish it as soon as possible, because when he was finally free at 10:25, he zipped out. Rushing to the hospital with dread rising every step was becoming a habit.

When he finally reached Yuri's room, he only had fifteen minutes to talk before he'd have to head back for lunch, so they'd better make this concise. Yuri was in bed, lying on his back and pressing a pillow against his face.

"Yuri? Are you ok?"

The pillow lowered to his chest. "What are you doing here?"

"I heard what happened and wanted to make sure you were ok. What are you doing?"

"I got bored of staring at the room so I decided to try staring at the pillow instead."

Flynn sat by his bed. "I… see. So, I heard you tried to leave the hospital last night. What happened?"

He squirmed to pull himself upright. "I'm going to need you to arrest the staff or whatever it is you do because I'm being held here against my will. Getting locked up by the Knights for stupid things is bullshit enough, but I'm not going to take it from the people who are supposed to help me. They're not Knights - they have no right to hold me here."

"Actually, as long as issues of consent are given to me, it's not illegal for them to keep you here as long as I agree with them." He braced himself for a backlash.

"Oh, yeah, right." Yuri rolled his eyes so heavily they nearly disappeared. "I'm not 'mentally competent' to decide for myself, right?"

"Sneaking out in the middle of the night certainly doesn't do any favours in trying to look like a rational adult."

"I want out, Flynn."

Flynn met Yuri's glare evenly, not betraying any of his uncertainty. He knew Yuri was unhappy here, but he also knew Yuri needed help. "This isn't a decision to be made lightly."

"I'm not making this lightly. I'm going crazy in here. I can't handle this any more and the only reason I haven't tried to get out again is because they took my chair away and I decided I wouldn't get far crawling." His hands tightened around the pillow. "Every time I ask if I can go home yet someone tells me 'soon. Just a little longer. You still need to heal a bit more.' Flynn…" He paused, his face showing more vulnerability than Flynn could remember seeing in ages. "Please. I'm serious. I can't handle this any longer. They won't even let me leave my bed without an escort and this is killing me."

The look in Yuri's eyes unsettled him. Yuri truly was miserable and knowing he was responsible for keeping him in a place that made him so unhappy made Flynn feel like shit. But, it was for Yuri's own good, wasn't it? Yuri really did need help… but it didn't seem to be working. Bringing in a therapist just made him angrier and his hatred of being in the hospital drove him to self-destruction. Where was Yuri even planning to go last night? If the staff hadn't brought him back he might have ended up stuck in the snow all night in below freezing temperatures. He'd gotten as much recovery out of the hospital as he was going to get and keeping him here any longer was just going to make his mental state worse.

Flynn slowly nodded. "All right. I don't want you to be miserable. I'll tell Dr. Burke to approve discharge."

Yuri's grin warmed Flynn's heart. "All right! I can't wait to get out of here."

"But, we need to discuss where you're going to go."

"Hm? I was just going to go home."

"Your home on the second floor of the inn that is inaccessible without going up a flight of stairs?"

Yuri's grin faded. "Ah… right."

Flynn ran through options and came to a conclusion quickly. "You could go to Dahngrest, but honestly I'd feel better if you stayed in Zaphias at first. In case any complications come up, you should be close to the hospital for an emergency. I'm sure Lady Estellise would be more than happy to find room for you in the castle near her suite, but I hardly think you'd be happy in the castle. I think your best bet would be staying with me for a little while."

Yuri thought about this briefly and then nodded. "Yeah, I can't think of anything either. I could always find a new place to stay, but since I don't live here full time it seems like a waste. If I'm in town, I can just crash at your place."

"Right. So, you can live with me for a little while until you're used to living independently. We can figure out your next step from there."

"I'm down for that." He leaned forward and said, "Find someone to bring me my chair and we can go."

"Hold on." He rested his hand on Yuri's arm. "You can't leave today."

"Why not?"

Yuri's suspicion hurt, but Flynn tried not to hold it against him. "I need some time to get things set up for you, such as setting up a bed on the first floor. Can you give me two days to make all arrangements?"

Yuri frowned, but nodded. "Yeah, I can do two days. I've survived this long."

"Good." He glanced at the clock. "Actually, I'm afraid I need to go. I have a meeting to get to. I'll get everything arranged, so sit tight and please don't do anything reckless in the meantime."


	13. Crash

Two days couldn't pass quickly enough. As soon as nurses and therapists found out he was leaving, everything got more intense. They had to give him as much therapy as they could in a two day period, so he barely had time to rest between Call-Me-Sarah trying to get him to talk about his feelings and the physical therapists drilling him on transfers and dressing. Thankfully, they'd been able to teach him how to deal with catheters and he'd worked out a system to take care of that intermittently throughout the day rather than leaving one in all the time. He certainly wasn't going to spend the rest of his life with a bag of piss strapped to his leg.

Cecilia got him a card the day the day he left. She presented it with a smile and it had been signed by all the staff that had worked with him, with the notable exception of Grandma Smiley. Call-Me-Sarah slipped a piece of paper in his hand with her address telling him to visit her if he ever wanted to continue their sessions, and Yuri resolved to chuck it in the fire as soon as he got home.

Flynn arrived just after six as always, but even then he couldn't go home right away. There was a pile of paperwork to fill out that Yuri, of course, was not allowed to do himself. Flynn sat at the table in Yuri's room, going through all the forms declaring Yuri officially discharged and no longer the hospital's responsibility. Yuri rolling back and forth as he waited for Flynn to finish. Even after two months in here, the last two minutes dragged on for an eternity as Cecilia lectured Flynn on every health concern he should know.

"I think that's everything." Flynn picked up the stack and straightened it. "Is there anything else?"

"We're sending a few things home with you," Cecilia said, handing Yuri a bag. "Catheters, gels, and medication. You've got the prescriptions for those, so when you run out, you can buy them from a doctor even if you're not in Zaphias."

"What about this?" Yuri patted his armrests.

"Renting it," Flynn said. "It's on loan indefinitely until you purchase one of your own."

"When can I do that?"

"Don't worry about it for now. It might be easier to get that taken care of when you go back to Dahngrest, so the maker is in your home city if you need any repairs."

"If you say so." Wheelchairs were all the same so it didn't really matter where his came from. "So, can we go?"

Flynn looked to Cecilia, who nodded. "Yes, that's everything. If you have any problems, don't hesitate to come back. Good luck, Yuri."

"See you around. Well, no offense, but actually hopefully not."

She giggled. "Yeah, I hope you never come back here again."

Flynn tried to reach for Yuri's bag, but Yuri got it first and pulled it onto his lap. He could carry his own crap. Thankfully Flynn didn't argue, and he led the way out of the room. Yuri had never been so happy to leave a room for the last time.

It was cold outside, but Yuri didn't care. He was free at last and could finally put that awful hospital behind him. Well… he supposed it wasn't an awful hospital, if he was being fair. Without it, he might still be flat on his back. They really were a premier medical facility, but with that thought he suddenly asked, "What was the bill?"

"Which bill?"

"The hospital bill. I didn't see you give them any money. Did you pay earlier?"

The crunch of snow was the only sounds for a prolonged moment. "I arranged for the bill to be taken from my account. It's not the kind of money I carry on my person."

"So, how much was it?" He wasn't going to let Flynn pay for this himself. It was Yuri's problem, so he could pay his own bills. He'd pay Flynn back a little bit at a time until the debt was squared.

"Don't worry about it."

"How much?"

Flynn stubbornly kept his face forward. "I told you not to worry about it. It's within my budget."

Yuri's stomach sank and he was more determined than ever to get the actual number. He could afford about a thousand gald a month, so even if it took a year or two, he'd pay off his debt. "Flynn. How much was the total bill?"

Flynn hesitated again, and then his breath steamed as he let out a sigh. "The grand total, for all the care, surgeries, and supplies, was five hundred and twenty thousand gald."

Yuri stopped rolling for a moment and shot his head up. "Five hundred and twenty  _thousand_?" He tried to do quick math in his head. A thousand a gald a month would take five hundred and twenty months and with twelve months a year that was… He shook his head; he'd never been good at math. The closest he got was a rough estimate that it was somewhere over fifty years. "Shit."

Flynn eyed Yuri's face and jumped in to say, "You don't have to pay me back."

"Of course I do. I can't be in your debt for half a million gald."

"It's not a problem. I'm one of the highest paid people in the empire. I can afford this."

They started moving again because it was too cold to talk on the street. The frost gathering on Yuri's scarf from his breath was enough evidence that they were well into the heart of winter. "You shouldn't have to pay for me. It's my problem."

"Yuri, really, I don't mind. I… I feel responsible for what happened. Covering the expenses to fix my mistake is the least I can do."

Yuri scowled at Flynn's weary face. "You shouldn't feel responsible. This is between Carter and me. You had nothing to do with it."

Pain lanced through Flynn's eyes. "But I…"

"You what?"

Flynn turned away and buried his nose in his scarf so his voice came out muffled. "Nothing. I should have gotten to you sooner. That's all."

"Whatever. I don't blame you, and I'm still going to pay you back, however much I can."

"If you insist, but please don't push your finances unduly. This isn't exactly pocket change for me, but since I rarely make use of my paycheck as it is, I have considerable savings."

There really wasn't any reason to be upset with Flynn. He was only trying to explain why Yuri shouldn't feel guilty about the bill, but hearing about Flynn's mountainous pile of gald made Yuri prickly. He'd only ever felt pride for Flynn's success and accomplishments, but seeing him there, with his prestigious title and uniform, massive paycheck, sword lightly bumping his leg with every powerful step just made Yuri mad. No, not mad, he realized as he once again struggled to get the wheels over a clump of snow. Envious. Flynn used to be his mirror, the one he could always count on to match him move for move. Now it was a struggle to keep up with his strides and seeing that sword reminded him they'd never fight again.

It seemed to take forever to reach Flynn's house, because every few minutes they stopped so Flynn could kick away the snow accumulating around the small front wheels. Flynn obviously wanted to just push Yuri to save the trouble and go faster, but to his credit he didn't suggest it. Yuri arrived on Flynn's street under his own power, and immediately spotted something new.

"What's this?" He gestured at the wooden ramp in front of Flynn's house.

"I had a ramp installed. I didn't think you'd want to need help getting up the front step every time."

The solid wood jutted awkwardly into the street and was covered in a light dusting of snow that had fallen the night before. Footsteps led up and down, and Flynn tried to kick even more snow off as he walked up to the door. "Is it too steep? I can make the slope more gradual if you need."

Yuri was still reeling from realizing Flynn had actually modified his house to accommodate him. The ramp didn't fit the decor of the street at all, and Yuri hated to think he was the reason Flynn had stuck this awkward thing in front of his house. He rolled himself up, doing his darndest to hide how much of a struggle it was. "No, it's fine. Thanks a lot."

The smell of roasting meat hit his nose as soon as he entered and voices came from the kitchen. He barely had time to close the door behind him before a blue blur streaked toward him. Repede leapt at him with excited barks, pushing his chair crashing back against the door.

Yuri laughed and tried to guard his face from Repede's tongue. "I missed you too, Repede."

Repede finally got off his lap only for his place to be taken by Estelle. "Yuri!" She embraced him, crushing his face against her chest. "Welcome home! I'm so happy you're out of the hospital."

"Yeah, me too." He gently pried her arms off and spotted Rita standing behind her with a slight smile. "You two here to visit?"

"We're making dinner," Estelle gushed. "Flynn said he wanted to do a nice dinner to celebrate you coming home from the hospital and I suggested Rita and I take care of it while he picked you up."

"That's probably a good idea. A welcome home dinner isn't very good if it's inedible." He was about to continue on to the kitchen to check on dinner, but Flynn came back down the hall and stopped him.

"Yuri, wait, let me dry your wheels." He'd fetched a towel from the bathroom and Yuri glanced down, realizing he was dripping snow and mud all over Flynn's carpet.

"Ah… sorry about that. Here, let me." He grabbed the towel and dried off as much as he could. Even after towelling off all the mud and snow he could, he still left a few damp trails as he crossed the carpeted living room.

"This way, Yuri." Flynn led the way down the hall and stopped in front of the open door to the dining room. When Yuri approached, he saw a curtain hanging over the opening, which Flynn pulled aside. "This is your room."

Yuri wondered for a second why his room was the dining room, but quickly remembered that this was the only room on the first floor that wasn't a kitchen or bathroom. If he was going to use the guest bedroom on the second floor, he might as well go back to his old place at the Comet. At least it didn't much resemble a dining room anymore. Flynn had taken out the table and chairs and replaced them with a bed, a dresser, a nightstand, and a desk. The room had hardwood floors, which he smoothly glided over as he entered. "When did you do all this?"

"Yesterday and the day before," Flynn said from the doorway. "I told you I had to get some things ready."

"I don't get a door?"

Flynn's proud smile slipped. "Oh! I thought - I'm sorry, I considered it but I thought this would be better. I thought doors were harder to navigate and a curtain would be easier. I can get a door installed if you'd prefer."

Yuri waved his hand. "Nah, it's not a big deal." It was just a door, not some complicated machinery - he could handle that. He didn't need Flynn babying him like a little kid not responsible enough for the privacy of a door.

"I didn't have time to renovate the bathroom." Flynn opened that door with a frown. "I think the sink is low enough, though. The tub has a shower head but I'm not sure how you'd use it…. I think you'll need help getting in and out of the tub until I install some kind of seat."

Yuri forced a smile. "That's fine." Flynn really expected him to get help taking a bath? But, what else was he supposed to do? He'd hoped getting out of the hospital would mean getting back to independence, but in this case he was just swapping out relying on nurses to relying on Flynn. This was even worse, because it wasn't Flynn's job to take care of him on top of his already-demanding job.

"Dinner is ready!" Estelle called from the kitchen.

When Yuri arrived, Rita was moving the fourth chair from the kitchen table to the corner to make an empty space for him. Estelle proudly set a pork roast in the middle of the table as Flynn and Rita took their seats.

"It smells wonderful, Lady Estellise."

Estelle beamed as she sliced it. "Thank you, but Rita helped a lot, too."

It was nice to be trusted with a knife again, and Estelle's cooking was infinitely better than anything he'd gotten at the hospital. Flynn asked Rita something about her research and she launched into an explanation of something scientific Yuri didn't have the energy to try to follow. Flynn nodded along slowly, feigning understanding, while Rita babbled something about tungsten and lightning and currents. Repede curled up near Yuri's feet, pressing his back against the chair to be as close to him as he could.

Yuri ate slowly and for the most part let the conversation slip past him. Eating in Flynn's kitchen with his friends around him felt… weird. He'd thought getting out of the hospital would make things go back to normal, but this didn't feel normal at all. Everyone else sat in normal chairs while his had wheels and the knife kept slipping in his hand because of his missing finger. Flynn, Estelle, and Rita chatted idly about what the Knights were up to, or some amusing noble Estelle had met with the day before, while the subject of Yuri's disability lurked in the background like a rhinossus in the room. Yuri didn't want to talk about it, but he also didn't want his friends to pointedly  _not_  talk about it.

Halfway through dinner, he finished the last of the water in his glass. Estelle noticed right away and jumped to her feet. "Oh, let me refill that for you."

Yuri snatched the glass before she could reach it. "It's fine; I can get it myself." He didn't need people doing things for him all the time. He wasn't helpless. He wasn't useless.

Estelle reached for the glass in his hand. "Don't worry about, Yuri, I'm already standing-"

He yanked it away from her and she pulled her hand back like it had been burned. "I said I'll get it!" he barked.

Flynn and Rita's conversation halted and Repede peered at him with a low growl. Yuri ignored Estelle's hurt, shimmery eyes and rolled back. "Thanks for the offer, Estelle," he muttered. She sank into her chair and Yuri could feel three pairs of eyes watching him roll up to the sink. The footrest bumped the cupboard, preventing him from getting any closer. Asking for help was the last thing he wanted to do, so he leaned forward and stretched for the faucet. He slumped against the edge of the counter and the lip dug into his chest. Running water filled the room's silence, and Yuri turned back to his friends with a scowl.

"What? Never seen a guy get a drink?"

Flynn gave him one of those looks that said they'd be discussing this later. Fuck that, Yuri didn't want to 'discuss' this any more than he wanted to discuss anything with Call-Me-Sarah. Everyone kept acting like he was some fragile flower with delicate emotions that needed to be  _nurtured_  and  _supported_.

"So… Rita," Estelle turned to her with a forced smile, "tell Flynn about the Councilman you spoke to the other day."

"Oh, right." She gave Yuri a nervous look and then tried to pretend everything was casual. "Anyway, this guy came to my lab rambling about how he needed a blastia and he promised to use it responsibly. I tried to explain that we don't have any, but you know how these twits are…"

Dinner was delicious, but Yuri found he was glad when it was over. His friends were the same as ever, but he just couldn't get into the conversation. There was another small argument when Yuri tried to carry his dishes to the sink, and Flynn insisted that it was his house and he would take care of the dishes since he was the host. It was a reasonable demand, but a creeping voice in the back of his head told Yuri it was because he was crippled.

"One more thing! I baked this just for you, Yuri!" Estelle hurried back to the table with a cake coated in chocolate frosting. She set it in front of him with a huge smile, so he could read the inscription piped with a steady hand:  _Welcome home, Yuri!_

"Thanks, Estelle," he said with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. He  _did_  appreciate her effort and he wondered for the thousandth time what he'd done to deserve friends like these, but he just wasn't feeling it tonight.

"Hurry up and cut it," Rita said. "It looks delicious and Estelle wouldn't let me try a sample."

"Of course not! It's Yuri's cake!"

She crossed her arms and grumbled, "You could at least have let me lick the bowl."

While Flynn grabbed the knife to slice the cake, Estelle said, "Rita, no, you can't eat cake batter uncooked. There's raw egg and that's very unhealthy."

"It's all the same ingredients; who cares if they've been heated up first?"

"But Rita, there are certain things you really can't eat raw, like chicken. You'll get really sick…"

Yuri ignored their bickering to say to Flynn, "Nice cake, although really I'm not actually  _home_  yet. I'm just crashing at your place until I go back on my own."

"Right." Flynn gave Estelle and Rita their slices and they stopped arguing to dig in. "Although, speaking of home, Yuri, I was at your place at the Comet yesterday to pick up some of your things and move them here. The innkeeper wanted to know if you still wanted her to hold the room for you. I told her probably not, but that I'd clear it with you first. You're not planning to keep the room, are you?"

Yuri stared blankly for a moment. Yeah, of course he couldn't keep the room. What was he going to do with a room on the second storey? He'd known he wasn't going to keep living there, but he'd always put that off at the back of his mind. To actually confirm yes, give the room away, carried such finality. He couldn't keep it, though. The innkeeper could be renting it out and getting income from it, and it was already more than generous to hold it until he got out of the hospital just in case. "Yeah. Tell her to give it away. I don't need it any more." It really was official, wasn't it? He'd given up hope of walking again. He didn't need the room anymore because he was never going to walk up a staircase again, ever, for the rest of his life. An eternity in the chair stretched before him but he shut that train of thought down before it could crush him.

"Ok." Flynn was mockingly oblivious to the horror admitting he didn't need the room anymore caused Yuri. "I'll let her know tomorrow."

"We can clear your room out, Yuri," Estelle offered. "You don't have much stuff so it won't take too long."

"I can…" he started protest that he could take care of his own shit, except no, he couldn't. They'd have to carry him up and down and it would just make moving his things more difficult. His fists clenched around the armrests. "Yeah. Thanks."

"I'm presenting some of my research tomorrow morning so we can go over after that."

Estelle beamed (why was she smiling so much? This wasn't a happy occasion. Was she  _happy_  he was crippled?) and added, "Maybe when we drop your things off we can have lunch together. That would be nice, wouldn't it?"

"We still have leftovers from dinner," Flynn said. "If I have time, I'll stop by for lunch. Let me know what time you plan to arrive."

He was also smiling and happy. Why was everyone so happy? Did they expect Yuri to be happy, too? They probably thought he was dragging the whole mood of the evening down because he sat here with a scowl.

"Are you going to be doing anything tomorrow, Yuri?" Flynn asked.

What a stupid question. What was he going to do from a wheelchair? He couldn't go on guild missions, he couldn't fight monsters, he couldn't toy with the knights, he couldn't even go for a walk without struggling to roll through snow. Thanks for the question, Flynn, it was really nice to call attention to how monotonous his life was. "I have no plans."

Rita nodded. "Good, so you'll be here whatever time we show up tomorrow."

It didn't even have to be tomorrow. He'd be stuck here the day after, too, and the day after that. How long was he going to be at Flynn's house? His heart started beating faster as it dawned on him that he'd traded being imprisoned at the hospital for being imprisoned at Flynn's house. What was his next escape? Going to Dahngrest? But would that just be exchanging this prison for yet another new one? If every location was a prison, it wasn't the location, it was  _him_. His broken body was a prison he was trapped in for the rest of his life. Forever.

Repede growled softly and Yuri looked down to realize his head was resting on Yuri's knees.  _That's not going to work to comfort me anymore, Repede. You'll have to aim a bit higher_. All the parts of him that could feel were above Repede's head, though. What was Repede supposed to do?

"Yuri?" A mountain of unspoken concern lurked behind Flynn's word. "Are… you all right?"

"Yeah." He'd spoken too snappily for it to even begin to sound convincing. "Why?"

Estelle folded her hands and rubbed her thumbs together. "You've been kind of quiet…."

"Don't worry about me. I've got a lot on my mind, that's all." That was an understatement. There was so much on his mind the weight made his neck ache. Or maybe that was just the lingering nerve pain making its way up his spinal cord?

Repede pulled away with a snort and a growl before slinking toward Flynn instead. Abandoning him? Repede probably didn't want to put up with a master who couldn't run around with him ( _none of the others will want to put up with you, either. They'll only be your loyal friends until they also realize just how permanent and debilitating this is_ ).

"You should come to the castle, Yuri." Rita boldly attempted to throw this out with a casual air. "I was just thinking, the floors there are so slick and smooth, you… do you smell something?"

Estelle sniffed the air. "Yes, actually. It smells like…" Her eyes drifted to Yuri and her cheeks flushed.

Yuri smelled it, too, and it brought dread so palpable he could feet it sliding into his chest. Knowing what he was going to see but hoping -  _praying_  - he was wrong, he lowered his head to his lap. "Fuck." His breathing quickened. Had he actually just pissed his pants? What the fuck. This couldn't be happening. The front of his pants were soaking wet.  _Fuck_. This hadn't happened since he was too young to remember. The other three watched him nervously while Yuri wanted to curl up in a hole and die. He'd even go back to the catacombs if he could. Anything would be better than sitting here with Flynn, Estelle, and Rita knowing he'd just wet himself.

Flynn's hand hit his shoulder and then Flynn was looming next to him. "It's not a big deal. We'll just change your pants and clean the chair and-"

Yuri shoved Flynn away. "'We' aren't doing anything! I can take care of myself!" He jerked the wheels back. "I don't need your help!"

He heard Estelle's footsteps behind him as he rolled to his room. "You can't clean the chair while you're sitting in it. Let me just-"

Yuri swatted her away before she could grab his chair. "I said I can handle it!"  _Don't fucking touch my chair_. The curtain was easy to pass but lacked the satisfaction of slamming shut behind him. He hated how happy hardwood floors could make him compared to trying to roll across carpet. When he reached the dresser and yanked open a drawer, he heard Flynn speaking in a low voice.

"Lady Estellise, I'm sorry, I think you should go."

"But… Yuri…"

"Let me handle this. I think having anybody else around is just going to make things worse tonight."

"Come on, Estelle. Flynn's right. Yuri needs to be alone right now."

"Ok… let me know if we're still doing lunch tomorrow."

"I will. Thank you for dinner."

They left, just as Yuri managed to find a pair of sweat pants and roll back to his bed. Changing pants was so  _difficult_  now. His arms were already tired from pushing himself home through the snow so it took longer than usual to sidle across the board to his bed. He was halfway through getting the dirty pair off - a difficult process involving a lot of flopping back and forth - when Flynn came in.

"Are you all right?"

"Do I  _look_  like I'm all right? Piss off." He got his pants and underwear off and tossed them to the floor.

"Here." He handed Yuri a wet cloth to clean himself. "It's nothing to be ashamed of. Cecilia said you might have some accidents until your body gets accustomed to a set schedule."

All Yuri got out of that was the implication he could expect this to happen again. "Fucking great."

"I know you have no control over that. I'd just as quickly judge someone for kicking when you tap their knee."

Keeping from screaming was a constant effort. "You're not helping." He cleaned up and tossed the cloth on his floor with his pants. Then he noticed the fresh pants he'd pulled out had fallen and he swore.

Flynn reached for them, but Yuri pushed him away. "I can get it myself." Pushing himself upright and manoeuvring to the side of the bed was a chore in itself, but when he leaned forward to grab his pants he miscalculated the strength in his abs and in a split second, found himself toppling forward.

Flynn caught him before he hit the ground and gently lowered him the last foot. "Easy."

Yuri wanted to tell him not to baby him. He wanted to tell Flynn to go away because he was sitting on a dining room floor without any pants on and he'd like a bit of privacy. He couldn't, though, because he knew he lacked the strength to get back on the bed without help.

And just like that, the last dam crashed down, sending a flood of despair gushing into him. This was the rest of his life. He was  _never_  going to walk again. He was never even going to stand up again. He would never run, or skip, or jump. He'd never feel that little pang in your stomach when you leap in the air and momentarily defy gravity. He'd never hear freshly fallen snow crunching under his boots. He'd never whirl around an opponent in a dance, letting his feet and arms attack in perfect unison. The sweet relief of finding a bathroom after holding it all day. Toes curling from intimate touching he could never again appreciate. The simple pleasure of sliding into a warm bath up from your toes. Curling up on the windowsill on a sunny day like a cat.

It wasn't just big things like walking or sex or going to the bathroom. It was a million tiny injustices, and the more he thought about his life, the more he found. This was going to be his reality for the rest of his life. The foreverness stretched before him like the Sands of Kogorh. He would have buried his face in his knees if he was capable of holding his legs up. Instead, he wrapped his arms around his head and used every ounce of energy he had left to hold in a sob.

Flynn's arm gently wrapped around his shoulders as he took a seat beside him. He didn't say anything, which was good because Yuri couldn't think of anything that wouldn't make Yuri want to punch him in the nose. For a long minute they just sat there, Yuri taking deep breaths while Flynn channelled as much empathy as a human could muster through the hand squeezing Yuri's shoulder.

"I just…" Yuri breathed at last. "I want to stand up again. I want to see the world from your height."

"I know," Flynn whispered.

Yuri leaned against him, resting his head against Flynn's neck. He'd forced himself to be strong for so long, but he just couldn't do it anymore. Any last dregs of strength were insignificant next to the endless road before him, and all resolve fled when he realized that, despite all his protesting, he  _couldn't_  do this. Yuri Lowell was not someone who could make a living sitting down and pretending otherwise was just putting off despair for later. His life was fucked and the only comfort he could find was leaning on the man he loved so much. The trouble was he loved Flynn so much, guilt for dragging him down with him made him feel even worse. Flynn let him sit in silence for over ten minutes. Yuri took slow, deep breaths (as deep as he could; it turned out you couldn't completely fill your lungs without getting your abs involved) and tried to stop shaking, which was itself an effort to keep from sobbing.

"I'm going to bed," he muttered at last. It was only eight, but the crushing realization of what his life was actually going to be like exhausted him.

"Ok."

Yuri pushed away from Flynn and then looked to his bed, miles away. His heart would have sunk if it had anywhere lower to go. "Could you help me up?"

"Of course."

Flynn let Yuri wrap his arms around his neck and pulled him to the bed. Yuri dragged himself to the headboard and didn't even care when Flynn pulled back the blanket for him. He pressed his face into the pillow as Flynn pulled the blanket over him. Who cared if he was under a blanket? His lower body didn't get cold anymore.

"Yuri…" Rough fingers trailed across his hair. "I know this is hard for you. It would be for anyone. All I can say is… it's ok to grieve. No matter what happens, I'm here for you."

Until he decided he couldn't handle the stress of both his job and taking care of Yuri. "Right."

Flynn's lips brushed his cheek. "Goodnight, Yuri. Don't hesitate to call if you need anything. I'll see you tomorrow."


	14. Flatline

Flynn cleaned Yuri's wheelchair by rote. Though his body was in the kitchen, his mind was still in Yuri's room. He had never seen Yuri so defeated, not even when he was at his physical weakest in the catacombs. He'd always taken it for granted that Yuri would never give up fighting, so nothing had prepared him for hearing Yuri surrender.

He could command the Knighthood. He could lead a hundred soldiers into battle without breaking a sweat. He could give speeches to the Council and organize hundreds of units of knights. There was so much he could accomplish it filled his entire day so he was constantly busy  _doing_  things. But here he was now, when the man he loved more than anything was falling to pieces in the room next door, and all he could do was sit here and scrub the floor.

_This is my fault. I put him in that chair; why can't I get him out?_

When he finished cleaning the chair, he carefully wheeled it into Yuri's room. He moved slowly, careful not to make any noise to wake Yuri up. In his sleep, he looked peaceful. Flynn could almost pretend Yuri was back to normal when he was in bed and no longer in the hospital, but the cluttered bottles of medicine on the nightstand broke the illusion. He left the chair within arm's reach of Yuri's bed and then stepped over Repede on his way out. Repede gave him a worried glance, but stayed curled up at the foot of Yuri's bed. Flynn would be happy for his company tonight, but Repede wanted to stay by Yuri's side. Flynn didn't know how much Repede understood of the situation, but he knew his master was in pain and would stand guard accordingly.

Flynn tidied the kitchen. There were leftovers to put away and counters to wipe. He did this all silently, focusing on the chores as intently as he could to keep his mind from drifting. After everything was taken care of, he trudged upstairs to his bedroom. The door closed. Bed springs squeaked. He stared at the skinny lines patterned on the wallpaper. And his composure finally cracked.

He'd done this to Yuri because he was an idiot and now he couldn't even bring himself to tell the truth. After all the enemies he'd faced, the idea of telling Yuri this secret terrified him above all else. In the past couple of months, he'd come so close to losing Yuri, either by letting him die or watching his mental state deteriorate so he was hardly even Yuri anymore. Yuri was so close to snapping that if he lost his trust in Flynn, there might not be anything else to hold him together. It was for the good of Yuri's mental health he not be told now.

That was just an excuse, though, wasn't it? Flynn fell sideways on his bed and rubbed his already-red eyes while another sob gripped him. If it was really about concern for Yuri's health, he would have told Estelle. He was just so ashamed of himself and couldn't bear anyone else knowing what he'd done, and that guilt further fuelled his grief. He hated himself for keeping this from Yuri, he hated feeling so helpless when Yuri was suffering, and he hated feeling so sorry for himself when Yuri hurt so much more.

He didn't keep track of how long he cried. All he knew was that eventually he must have cried enough for two people, which was good because Yuri refused to cry so Flynn would do it for him. When his tears finally ran dry, he blew his nose, rubbed his eyes, and changed into pyjamas. Crying hadn't solved anything, but it did feel good to let it all out. Nestled under his blanket, he let himself hope tomorrow would be better. Tonight had been a bit of a shock for Yuri, but tomorrow they could start getting into a routine. He'd just sleep this off and hope for the best.

* * *

Yuri forgot where he was when he first woke up. As soon as he opened his eyes, he knew he wasn't in the hospital, and for a tense handful of seconds his groggy mind told him the hospital must have been a dream and he was still in the catacombs with Carter.

Familiar breathing came to his ears and he realized Repede was sleeping on the floor near him, and the smell coming to his nose was the warm sizzle of bacon, not the icy mould of the catacombs. Who was cooking bacon? Since he was in Flynn's house he could only imagine it was him, but that just raised further questions. Namely, when had Flynn learned to cook bacon?

He pondered this for two seconds, and then decided he didn't care. Food sounded unappealing anyway. The bed shifted as his legs jerked, and he grabbed the small bottle of muscle relaxer on the nightstand. What a novelty to take medication on his own without the nurses controlling every dosage. He sat up to drink the bitter liquid and then pushed aside the blanket.

That was when he realized he still wasn't wearing pants, and the ones he'd planned to change into lay on the floor. It would be such a pain to retrieve them. At least his chair was clean, but that meant Flynn must have done that for him last night. Damn, thinking about subjecting Flynn to cleaning up after him burned his face with shame. Flynn shouldn't have to do that for him, but what was he supposed to do? He couldn't feel anything down there!

Time to get out of bed. Flynn was clearly making breakfast, so he had to get to the edge of bed, reaching down and get his pants without falling, get them on by himself, transfer to the chair, and then… and then what? Flynn would be heading to work soon but it wasn't like Yuri had anywhere to go. Getting around in the snow was a huge pain in the ass and he couldn't think of anything he wanted to do that was worth that much effort. If he was just going to sit around at home all day, why even bother getting out of bed?

 _Come on, don't think like that. You have to get out of bed_.

But… why? He searched his brain, trying to find any reason to justify the effort of getting up. After almost a minute of consideration, he found nothing. There was no point getting out of bed, so he laid back down, rolled over, and pulled the blanket up.

A few minutes later, he heard Flynn's voice. "Good morning, Yuri. How do you feel today?"

"Fine," he mumbled without rolling over to face him.

"I made eggs and bacon for breakfast. Um… you like scrambled eggs, right? That's kind of how they ended up…"

"Thanks, but I'm not hungry."

Flynn hesitated and then footsteps approached. A hand rested on his shoulder and Flynn said, "You should eat something."

"I said I'm not hungry." He wasn't, and even though he was a little thirsty, the more liquid he put in the sooner he'd piss himself again. That would require using a catheter, which he hated, or wetting the bed, which was even less desirable (and Flynn would have to clean the mattress. Flynn had to do everything for him).

The hand squeezed his shoulder. "Why don't you get up and sit at the table with me?"

"No, thanks."

"Are you going to get up at all?"

"Wasn't gonna."

"You can't just stay in bed all day."

"Why not?" He craned his neck over his shoulder. "Name one thing I need to do."

Flynn hesitated, and Yuri settled his head again, satisfied. Flynn couldn't think of a reason for him to get out of bed, either.

"It's not healthy. You should get exercise."

"For  _what_? Go eat breakfast. You're going to be late for work."

Flynn hovered by his bed for a few more seconds and then disappeared. Yuri could hear him in the kitchen, and wondered how often Flynn went through the trouble of cooking a full meal this early in the morning. He'd probably only done it for Yuri, but Yuri couldn't bring himself to eat so half the food would go to waste and Flynn was left sitting alone with a breakfast he hadn't wanted for himself. Yuri was such a piece of shit for doing this to Flynn. If he had any worth as a person at all, he'd get up and join Flynn even if he wasn't hungry just to be decent. He considered getting up for about two seconds, but the added weight of feeling so shitty for not getting up made it that much harder to get up.

_I hate myself._

* * *

Before walking to work, Flynn brought a tray into Yuri's room. "I know you're not hungry now, but you probably will be later." He set it on the nightstand and handed a glass of orange juice to Yuri. "Drink this, at least. You should drink something."

"No, thanks."

"You need to stay hydrated to keep your kidneys healthy."

Yuri still wouldn't look at him. "I'll drink later."

Defeated, Flynn set the glass down. "Have you catheterized yourself yet?"

"No."

He struggled to hold in his frustration. "Cecilia went over this with you yesterday. You need to stick to a schedule, and the schedule included doing it right after you wake up."

"I'll do it later."

The general apathy Yuri projected made Flynn highly doubt he would. A quick check of the clock said he would normally be walking out the door now, but he could hardly leave Yuri like this. He withheld a sigh that would only stress Yuri more and took a minute to gather all the necessary supplies. "Here," he set the tube, lubricant, and bed pan on the bad and then fetched a damp cloth from the bathroom. "You have to do it now."

"I said I'll do it later."

"Fine, I'll do it." He grabbed Yuri's shoulder and rolled him onto his back.

Just has he pulled the blanket away, Yuri snatched his wrists. "I can take care of myself!"

"Then do!" Flynn snapped. Instead of meeting anger with anger as Flynn expected, the snatch of drive Flynn had seen moments before crumbled in the face of his frustration.

"Yeah," Yuri mumbled, not meeting his eyes. "Sorry."

Frustration turned to guilt. "Yuri, I'm sorry, I'm not angry with you. I just want to make sure you're healthy."

"Give me the stuff. I'll take care of it. You shouldn't have to."

"All right." Flynn really didn't mind, but it would be good for Yuri to take care of it himself. He left to give Yuri some privacy and put on his boots and coat at that door. As he waited, he mulled things over. Could he trust Yuri to do this again in four hours? He didn't feel comfortable leaving Yuri alone in this state. There was only one option he could think of.

Back in Yuri's room, he put away the catheter supplies and emptied the bed pan in the bathroom. He was already running late, but when he stood in Yuri's doorway and saw him motionlessly staring at the wall again, he wanted to stay here all morning. "I'm going to work. I'll take care of everything that needs doing at the castle this morning and bring the rest home to work from the study."

"Don't ditch work because of me. You don't have to come home. I don't need a babysitter."

He really did because Flynn had a feeling Yuri would lie there without moving a muscle from now until dinner and probably develop a pressure sore. He tried to play it casual and laughed. "Don't worry about it. I've been wanting to work from home for a while now, and you've finally given me an excuse Sodia can't berate me for. I should be thanking you."

"Oh. Ok."

Flynn couldn't tell if Yuri believed him or not, but he didn't have time to stay and find out. Repede followed him to the door, and Flynn crouched to his level before leaving. "Look after him for me, ok?" He ran his hands down Repede's neck. "If anything happens, come running to the castle."

Repede barked to confirm, and then Flynn left for work.

* * *

Estelle had just finished breakfast when the door knocked. He pleasure at seeing Flynn dropped as soon as she saw his face. "Good morning… um, how's Yuri?"

Flynn leaned on the door frame. "He won't get out of bed."

"Won't or can't?"

Flynn shrugged. "As far as I know he physically can, he just… won't." He heaved a sigh. "I'm planning to get everything done this morning and then take work home after lunch. We discussed having lunch together so I wanted to let you know my plans. You and Rita are invited to come for lunch."

She didn't often see Flynn this tired. She'd seen him operating on one hour of sleep far more than she would wish, but the weariness in his eyes was more emotional than physical now. "I'll go to your place now. Um, as long as that's ok?"

A fraction of weight lifted from Flynn's face. "Would you? You don't have anything to do?"

"I'm worried about Yuri being alone, too. I'll go to your place and stay with him until you can come home for lunch. That way, you don't have to feel like you're rushing." She'd been planning on clearing out his apartment in the lower quarter, but this came first.

He cracked a smile. "You really are a lifesaver, Lady Estellise. I'll let Rita know our plans. Also, here's my house key. I'm not sure if Yuri would get up to let you in if you knocked."

She folded her fingers around the key and nodded. "Thank you."

"Get him to eat if you can, and encourage him to drink something. If he hasn't moved in over three hours, make sure he does that." Flynn counted responsibilities out on his fingers, rattling off a list of worries clearly burdening his mind. "You won't have to worry about catheterizing until I get home. Oh, I should warn you, he probably still isn't wearing pants. I think that's everything."

Estelle nodded, listening intently and trying not to think it sounded like a parent giving a babysitter instructions for a small child. Well, that's what Yuri was like, in a way. She could only imagine that finding yourself paralyzed would be like starting a whole different life. Yuri was an intelligent, mature man, but he was only a couple of months old as a paraplegic. "Don't worry about a thing. Concentrate on your work and I'll worry about Yuri."

"Thank you again. Send Repede to the castle if there's an emergency."

Somehow Flynn managed to pull himself away and go to work, and Estelle wasted no time in heading out. Usually going to Flynn's house meant a fun visit with one of her best friends, but when she opened the door this time, her heart hung like a stone. She left her boots at the door and slowly padded down the hall to Yuri's room.

"Yuri?" she poked her head in the door. He lay on his side, back to the door, blanket pulled up to his neck. "Are you awake?"

He twisted his head around. "Estelle? What are you doing here?"

"I thought we could hang out. It's your first day out of the hospital and I wanted to spend it with you!" She forced a cheery smile and sat on the side of his bed. On his nightstand was an untouched tray of eggs and bacon with a full glass of orange juice. "Oh no, you're breakfast is getting cold! We should go to the kitchen to warm it up."

Yuri turned back to the wall. "I appreciate Flynn sent you to babysit me, but I'm not hungry."

"Flynn didn't send me." She couldn't lie to him too much, though. Losing trust in her wouldn't help anything. "Well, he told me how you were feeling and I decided I wanted to visit. I was worried about you and wanted to make sure you were ok."

Yuri curled his chin closer to his chest. "Sorry for worrying you."

"It's ok. Maybe we can go for a… trip around town." She'd been seconds from saying 'walk' and stopped at the last second, unsure how Yuri would feel about that.

"No, thanks."

"Oh… well, what if we baked some cookies to surprise Flynn when he gets home? I wanted to try that recipe you mentioned once, with the cinnamon and sugar."

"Flynn would like that."

"Yeah! I'll need your help, though, because I've never made these before."

Yuri was silent for a moment, and then muttered, "Maybe later."

"Ok… we can do it when you feel better…" Flynn had said Yuri was in a bad state, but she couldn't have imagined just how far gone he was. There had to be something she could do to cheer him up! "Yuri, have you written to Karol and Judith lately?"

"No."

"I'm sure they'd want to know you're out of the hospital." It was clear Yuri wasn't going to get up and do this himself, but Estelle wanted to do something with him. It only took a few minutes to find paper and a pen in Flynn's study upstairs and return to the bed with a book to use as a table. She pulled her legs up and settled the paper in her lap. "Tell me what you want to say and I'll write it for you."

There was a long pause, and then a sigh. "I don't know. You think of something."

Keeping her spirits up when every sentence Yuri said furthered her grief exhausted her. "Ok then. Well, let's start simple. Dear Karol, Judith, and Raven." She wrote while reading it aloud for Yuri. "How is everything in Dahngrest? I can only assume you're getting as much snow as we are. It sure has been a cold winter, huh? We have good news! Yesterday, Yuri was discharged from the hospital. Yuri can do almost everything by himself now, and he's gotten so much stronger. We're all very proud of him." She raised her eyes to see if Yuri would react, but he hadn't so much as flinched. "Yuri wants to thank you for the dumbbell you gave him, Karol. He used it a lot and it helped him get really strong. For now, I'm hanging out with Yuri at Flynn's house, where he's staying until he decides where he wants to live full-time." She looked up at Yuri again. "Is there anything you want to say?"

Yuri shrugged. "I don't know. Just… hope they're having fun, don't worry about me, that sort of thing."

Estelle frowned, but nodded. "Ok. I'll finish the letter and mail it, and you look tired so I'll leave you to nap."

Yuri didn't even answer as she left. In the living room, she curled up on the couch to finish the letter.

_Actually… to tell you the truth, things aren't well here at all. I feel bad worrying you when there's nothing you can do to help from Dahngrest, but I think as his friends you'd like to know. Last night, after getting out of the hospital, Yuri had a breakdown. He's like an empty shell and watching him lie in bed all morning hurts deeply. I think Yuri has given up on ever moving his legs again and as much as I want to believe he'll be fine with enough time to adapt, I'm so worried about him. In a way, I almost feel responsible. I found myself believing Yuri could do anything that he became so used to being relied on. We can't rely on him to do the same things anymore and that's killing him. I don't know what to do or how to help. We were going to write this letter together but he didn't have anything to say other than to ask you not to worry about him. Rita, Flynn, Repede and I are holding the fort in Zaphias. It would be lovely to hear from you._

_With love, Estelle (and Yuri. I'm sure he means it)._

* * *

They fell into a routine. Every morning, Flynn made breakfast and set two places at the kitchen table. Every morning, Yuri was the worst boyfriend in the world and continued to snub him because he couldn't find the energy to get out of bed. In fact, he hadn't left bed in almost a week now. In the hospital, he had found this kind of sedentism torture, but looking back, his desire to get up seemed naïve. What had he hoped to accomplish getting out of bed? The world had nothing to offer him so he didn't see a reason to wheel himself around.

He could hear Flynn in the kitchen, preparing a meal for him that would inevitably get thrown out. How much money was Flynn wasting on food? How much was Yuri costing him on top of the five hundred and twenty thousand he'd already spent? The numbers didn't even matter anymore because Yuri knew there was no way he would ever be able to pay him back. Flynn kept insisting he didn't mind, but of course he did. How could someone not mind? Flynn was too much of a goody-two-shoes to admit he didn't want to keep supporting a useless lump like Yuri. He got such a rotten deal out of this; they'd just started a relationship and now he was stuck playing nurse to a helpless cripple. Of course, Flynn couldn't dump him without looking like a terrible person.

 _I hate myself_.

Right on cue, Flynn showed up in the doorway. "Good morning, Yuri. There are waffles in the kitchen if you're hungry."

Yuri stared, trying to find words for everything he wanted to say.  _You deserve so much more than this. You're such a great guy and you deserve to be happy and have a significant other who can be your equal. Stop making me breakfast every morning because I have no appetite anyway and you're wasting your time and food. I hate everything and I hate my life and I hate myself. I sort of hate you, too, because you keep walking around with perfectly functional legs and you still have a purpose in life and maybe I'm just jealous but damn you're really irritating. This isn't your fault, of course, and hating you for those reasons is just more evidence that I'm a shitty person and that brings us back to hating myself._

"Yuri?"

Putting all of that into words sounded exhausting, so instead he blurted something that had been on his mind for a while. "I want to break up."

He could actually see the words smash into Flynn as if he'd accompanied them with his fist. "You… what?"

"You heard me." Damn, he hated seeing Flynn's face like that. Like a kicked puppy. He rolled over so he didn't have to see it. Softer, he added, "Go find a normal boyfriend. You deserve it."

Footsteps, and then knees hitting the ground. "No."

He rolled to his back and looked over. "No? That's not how it works. I don't want to be in a relationship anymore - you don't get to veto that."

Flynn took a shaky breath. "I don't want to find a 'normal' boyfriend, I want  _you_. And if you want to break up, well… you'll have to get up and fight me."

Yuri's fists curled around the blanket. "Just dump me already! I know you want to. I'll tell people I broke up with you so you don't have to look like the guy who dumped a cripple."

"For the last time, I don't want to break up with you!"

There was fire in his eyes - a fire Yuri couldn't summon in himself if he tried. Flynn really did mean it, didn't he? In a way, that just made Yuri feel worse. For whatever reason, Flynn did still want him… for now. But nobody would put up with Yuri's shit forever and it was like living with a ticking bomb for the day Flynn's patience would finally explode. At least if Flynn already resented him, he would know where they stood. He closed his eyes. "Fine."

"We aren't breaking up because of this. No matter what."

"The option's there. I won't hold it against you when you want to."

Flynn leaned forward, his forehead landing on Yuri's shoulder. "It's never going to happen. Yuri, please understand, I'm here for the long haul. I love you just how you are."

"Sure."

He kissed Yuri's cheek. "Now, will you eat breakfast with me?"

 _I should_. Flynn was going above and beyond the patience and compassion Yuri deserved. He should just get up and eat with him. Then he looked at his chair, and thought about the pants he hadn't put on in a week, and imagined the hassle of transferring to the chair and then back again. It would take so much effort, and that wasn't even counting the effort of forcing himself to eat or sustain a conversation. All the energy, both physical and emotional, felt like another five hundred thousand gald bill he would never have enough to pay.

He turned his head away. "Maybe tomorrow."

Flynn kept his face level. "Yeah, ok. Maybe tomorrow. I love you."

"Uh-huh."

Flynn left him alone, but Yuri's triumph was short-lived. Soon Flynn would leave for work and then Estelle would show up all smiles and encouragement. He'd inevitably disappoint her because he just didn't have the energy to keep up.

About fifteen minutes later, the front door closed and Yuri was left alone. He was left in blessed silence, even though he knew it would be interrupted soon by Estelle arriving. Ugh, he did _not_  want to deal with her, not because he disliked Estelle but just because she made him feel exhausted and guilty. He would pay money to be left alone, except any spare gald he had for the foreseeable future he owed to Flynn.

Repede was watching him from the floor, and Yuri wondered if Repede could tell how pathetic his master's thoughts were.  _Oh, shut up. Don't give me that look. I_ really  _don't want to deal with her._

Hypothetically speaking, if he had more control over his life, what  _would_  he do to avoid guilt-tripping visits from people that cared about him? Fight a giganto monster, maybe. That at least would be fun. Sitting through a Council meeting was an option, too, because he could at least nap through those. He'd go out for tea with Sodia, because at least he didn't feel obligated to remain friendly with her. Amid the joking ideas, another one slithered in. He wasn't sure exactly where it came from because it arrived quietly in the background, presenting itself as a sensible voice among the preposterous thoughts.

 _You know… you wouldn't have to deal with any of this crap if you were dead_.

As soon as he heard it, every other voice went dead. In the total silence of his mind - even his heart seemed to stop - the thought was allowed to speak again.

_You could do it, you know. It would be easy. There's a huge artery in your thigh and if you cut it, you'd bleed to death in minutes. It wouldn't even hurt._

Ha… ha-ha… Laughing the thought away was useless; it was much to strong to be dismissed with such a halfhearted attempt. No, he needed to dismiss it, though. That was a stupid idea. All the times he'd almost died, and now a stupid part of him was actually suggesting he finish the job himself? No way.

_Think about it. If you keep yourself alive, you're looking at decades of wheelchairs, catheters, foul-tasting medicine and mountains of debt. If you were dead, you wouldn't have to deal with any of that. You're never going to stand up again. You will never be a proper person again. What are you holding onto?_

It…  _did_  sound tantalizing. Lying in bed all day was no way to live but he couldn't bring himself to even want anything else. His life was already over - why not cut the last thread and stop dragging this out? For the first time in his life, the prospect of being dead sounded so much better than staying alive.

But what about the others? He remembered how tightly Estelle had squeezed him when he got back from Zaude, they way Karol's voice cracked upon realizing he was alive, the honest relief Judith had shown him, and how even Rita had clearly been upset when she thought he was dead. If he died, they'd be devastated. He sighed, realizing the sweet release of death would have to wait.

 _But maybe… maybe they'd be better off without me_.

They really would, that was no question. It might take them a while to realize that, though, and in the meantime he'd cause them a lot of grief. He couldn't do that to him - what kind of shitty friend would do that? ( _you considered it though. Doesn't that make you a shitty person who'd be better off dead?_ )

The front door opened. A few seconds later, the curtain pushed aside and Estelle stood there with a smile. "Good morning, Yuri. How do you feel today?"

He shrugged.  _I wish I was dead. "_ Fine."


	15. Justice, or the Lack Thereof

When Flynn first heard the news, he couldn't even reply. It was so unfathomable he had to wonder if this was one of those dreams where he woke up and went through his morning routine only to wake up in bed again and have to do it all over. He was so tired lately because Yuri hadn't left his bed in almost two weeks, except for an occasion a few days ago when Flynn literally dragged him to his chair and across the hall to take a bath. Flynn now sat behind his desk, staring at Sodia with incredulity. "Excuse me?"

In a voice so flat it was clear she barely believed it as well, Sodia repeated herself. "The verdict came in this morning. Carter was found innocent of murder. In fact, he was found innocent of nearly everything. The only thing they convicted him for was unlawful imprisonment, two cases of assault - one on yourself and one on Yuri Lowell - and attempted murder."

"But… he murdered eight people! And my cat!" He was so baffled by this ruling he couldn't even find it in himself to be pissed. Yet. That was definitely coming.

She glanced at the stack of papers in her hands. "The jury came to the conclusion that there was insubstantial evidence that Carter committed the murders attributed to the Heartbreaker."

Flynn gaped at her for three seconds, and then blurted, "That's a load of bullshit."

Sodia faltered for a moment upon hearing language Flynn regretted as soon as it was out of his mouth. Her professionalism dropped for a moment and she grimaced with a nod. "Yes, sir. I agree. Grade-A bullshit."

Flynn leaned forward and ran his fingers through his hair. "Ok… ok, so he was exonerated of those. But you said he was found guilty of what he did to Yuri, right? Kidnapping and torture?"

Sodia nodded. "For the most part. No doubt thanks to Trout's testimony they decided it sounded like Yuri had gone with him willingly, so he couldn't be charged with kidnapping. He's guilty of unlawful imprisonment, at the very least, and ongoing assault. I suppose we should be thankful they charged him with attempted murder and didn't say that was nothing but acupuncture gone awry."

Flynn forced a hollow chuckle and raised his head. "Do I even want to ask what his sentence is? You might want to stand back because if you tell me he got nothing but community service for ruining Yuri's life, I'm probably going to throw something."

"Ten years in prison."

He folded his hands. "Well. That's something at least. Is there no chance of an appeal?"

"Not unless you can prove the judge or jury were corrupt."

He breathed out heavily through his nose. "I have quite a few things to say about the practice of only allowing wealthy citizens who have no sympathy with people from the lower quarter to serve on the jury, but until that law is changed, I can't complain."

She set the papers on his desk. "You need to sign this to authorize Carter's transfer from our cells to the prison."

"Yes, of course." His anger appeared while looking over the form.  _Innocent_. Flynn had stood in the catacombs and watched Carter laugh while standing over Yuri's bloody and beaten body and he was  _innocent_. That bastard murdered eight people, including his own father and a little girl, and they found him  _innocent_. His pen hovered over the bottom line for a moment, and then he signed with a sigh. "I'm taking him myself."

"Very well, sir." Sodia followed him out of the office on the way to the dungeon. "I can't believe they found him innocent of murder," she said, glowering at the marble floors. "His guilt was clear."

"So I thought as well."

"I suppose if Yuri had a few more zeroes in his bank account, the jury would have been outraged at what happened to him and demand justice."

"No doubt about that. Were their backgrounds reversed, Carter would have gotten the death sentence for sure."

Flynn could feel the heat of Sodia's anger from a few inches away. "At times like these that I have to wonder if our mission is worthwhile. We're just upholding a corrupt system. Nothing has changed!"

Guilt flickered through his heart, but he smothered it. "Maybe not… but I've only been commandant for less than a year. I think it would be unreasonable to expect significant change in this period."

She gave him a quick look. "You're right. I apologize, sir, I didn't mean to accuse you of slacking."

"It's all right. I agree, it's frustrating. I admit, sometimes I have to wonder if Yuri is right. Maybe the system isn't salvageable after all. Is a system that lets serial murderers like Carter walk free after a short sentence worth saving?"

"These are the sort of questions that keep me up at night. But, in the end, I don't believe Yuri is right. We can't resort to his methods. Killing someone without a trial… I don't believe that's acceptable." Her voice dropped and she turned her head away. "I think it takes a special kind of person to be able to take that path without it destroying them."

"I think so, too. The system is broken, but we have time to fix it. The real tragedy is that Carter was tried before we could reform the system enough to charge him."

"He is going to prison." They reached the gate to the cells. "At least he isn't completely exonerated the way Ragou was."

"True. It's a step in the right direction."

They stopped talking as they approached his cell. Carter was in the midst of a coughing fit when they arrived, and he gave them a sidelong glance between gasps for breath. Flynn and Sodia stood patiently by the bars and waited him to finish without a hint of sympathy. Flynn felt like an awful person for thinking it, but he hoped Carter was suffering.

When he finally finished, and stood and sauntered to the bars. "Well, well, we- _hurk_ ," he coughed a few times more. Grumpy that his cocky greeting had been ruined, he scowled at them. "What do you want?"

"The jury has delivered your verdict. You've been found guilty and sentenced to ten years in prison."

He cocked his brow. "Just prison? Surely a murderer like myself deserves the noose?"

Flynn tightened his jaw, hating being the one to give Carter good news. "You were acquitted of murder. The conviction was for assault, wrongful imprisonment, and attempted murder."

Carter's face lit up, begging Flynn to punch it. "Oh? It seems justice does exist!"

"Drop the act, Carter. We both know you're guilty, and I'm too tired to deal with your charade of innocence."

"You stand for justice until justice doesn't deliver the verdict you want." He leaned forward against the bars. "What a hypocrite."

Sodia replied before Flynn could. "He stands for true justice, not the corrupt kind the system currently delivers."

Carter held up his hands. "Who gets to decide what 'true' justice is? Letting me off sounds pretty just to me."

"I hope you have plenty of time to ponder these questions during your decade in prison." Flynn unlocked the door and Sodia cuffed Carter's hands. He didn't resist as they led him out of dungeon. He was thankfully silent on their way out of the castle, but as soon as they got outside he started complaining.

"Bit chilly, isn't it?" He shook the hands behind his back. "These cuffs are cold."

"It's a short walk to the prison. You'll survive," Flynn said. It was a sunny day and Carter wore a long-sleeve shirt; he'd be fine.

"I hope this prison has humane conditions," he whined as they made their way down the street. "I can't handle cold and damp. It-"  _cough, cough - "_ aggravates my lung condition."

"You'll be fine," Flynn said.

"You know, I have to wonder why you're escorting me yourself. Isn't this beneath you, oh mighty commandant?"

Saying anything would just encourage him.

"You just want to be there to see me go to prison, right? You want to see me suffer because I stabbed your pretty boyfriend. Isn't this a conflict of interest?" He waited expectantly for a response that Flynn wasn't going to give. "You pretend you're so above it all, but in reality you hide behind your title so you can get revenge without getting in trouble for it. Then you have the gall to call yourself a good person for it."

"Shut your mouth," Sodia snapped. "A murderer like you knows nothing about justice or being a good person."

"Oh, wait, I know!" Every time Carter spoke with his stupid little smirk and his mocking sing-song tone, the pressure gauge in Flynn's head ticked higher. "You want me to try to escape, right? You're hoping I'll make a run for freedom and that will give you an excuse to kill me." He took a break to wheeze for a few seconds. "You were so adamant about not killing me back in the catacombs. Have things really changed that much? Are we going to look back on that night as the good times when we were still friends?"

Flynn could see the prison ahead. Good, he didn't know how much longer he could stand walking with carter before punching him.

"You're not being very talkative, Flynn. Bad mood? Are you still mad about me cutting your eye? Because I assure you, the scar is very handsome. Does Yuri not like it? You should dump him, then. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life." Carter laughed again and added, "If I were you, I'd dump him anyway. He's not much of a lover anymore, is he? Can he even get it up?"

"Stop talking," Sodia said while Flynn pointedly ignored him.

"Shush, I'm talking to the commandant. So, how's Yuri doing, Flynn? Come on, tell the truth. How long until you dump him? Nobody would actually  _want_  to date a cripple. I almost feel bad, considering I'm the one who broke him. I mean, it's really not fair. The last time he was ever a whole, able-bodied person, I was the only one there to appreciate it. I say only me, because he never seemed to be in an appreciative mood while whimpering on the floor. Do you think-"

Pressure broke. Flynn slammed Carter against a brick wall, his collar balled up in Flynn's fist. "That is enough!"

Carter's laugh infuriated him, but Flynn was annoyed enough that he'd let himself snap that he didn't let it egg him on. He didn't stop himself from feeling satisfaction when Carter erupted in another coughing fit, though. Flynn took a few heaving breaths to rein in his temper. Carter wanted to piss him off and he'd definitely succeeded at that, but if he hoped Flynn would actually attack him, even kill him, he was out of luck. Flynn wasn't going to stoop to his games. Killing a prisoner in custody would destroy his reputation, career, and beliefs. Flynn wouldn't throw that away because of some smart-mouthed bastard toying with his emotions.

"Sir?" Sodia hesitantly glanced between them as Carter recovered from his coughing fit.

"Let's go." He let go of Carter's shirt to grab his arm and pulled him further down the street. Letting himself snap like that irritated him, but he chalked it up to Yuri-related stress. He hadn't slept well since Yuri got out of the hospital and he was only able to get any work done at all because he knew Estelle was with him.

Thankfully, they reached the prison not soon after. Flynn signed Carter over to the warden and then they could finally part company. As soon as they were back outside, Flynn sighed in relief. "I'm glad that's done with."

"The Heartbreaker case is officially over."

"No,  _officially_  the Heartbreaker still hasn't been caught. I swear, if I get people hounding me about why I'm not putting every resource into catching him, I'll… well, I don't know what I'll do but it probably won't be legal and you should probably stop me."

Sodia gave him a tight smile. "I'll keep that in mind. You know, the Carter case doesn't have to be over. If we reform the system and establish new rules for the jury, we can probably appeal that his original trial was unjust and redo it."

"Now there's an idea. We have ten years to fix the system and try him again. That might be difficult."

"We knew it was a difficult job when we started."

"True." After a moment, Flynn glanced at the prison over his shoulder. "You know, to be honest, a part of me did wish he'd make an escape attempt so I'd have an excuse to cut him down. Maybe I'm not so different from Yuri as I thought."

"Honestly, sir, I hoped he would, too. It really would have been easy to find an excuse to kill him, or even rough him up a bit. But you didn't, and I think that's what's important."

* * *

Yuri heard Flynn come home and rolled his eyes. That must mean it was lunch time, and once again Flynn and Estelle would pester him to get out of bed and join them for lunch. The prospect of an entire meal made him feel sick. He was happy snacking on apples or crackers as he got hungry, but three times a day someone tried to convince him to get up and eat at the kitchen table. Well, the joke was on them - he couldn't 'get up', because he was paralyzed and the best he could do was sit up.

Repede trotted out of his room to greet Flynn. He heard voices as Flynn spoke to Estelle, but after listening to a couple standard greetings Yuri couldn't be bothered to pay attention. Estelle had been reading on the couch all morning, which was becoming her routine. At least she'd stopped pestering him to do something with her every few minutes like she had the first few days. She kept it to a habitual offer to go out when she arrived, but he was pretty sure she'd given up hoping he'd ever reciprocate. Estelle spent the morning reading in the living room and coming in every few hours to make sure Yuri changed position. Yuri had to admit, he needed the reminder. Minutes ticked by like hours so he had no concept of what four hours actually felt like. If it weren't for Estelle, he might just lie motionlessly until pressure sores built up and his rotted away. That thought had its appeal, but it seemed like a needlessly drawn-out method of suicide.

If he wasn't alive, Estelle could enjoy her morning in her own room. She could hang out with Rita or have a nice relaxed breakfast prepared by the castle kitchens, or take a stroll through the castle gardens. He didn't believe for a second she actually  _wanted_  to play babysitter every morning. Yeah, she'd probably cry if he died, but if he was gone she could get back to her life. She was already upset about him; wouldn't it be better to just die so she could grieve and then get over it and go back to her life? Listen to her chatting with Flynn out there; would they  _really_  miss him? Ugh, they probably would. Every time Yuri brought up the subject of Flynn finding a better boyfriend, Flynn shot him down. His friends did love him, which was frustrating because he felt obligated to stick around to keep them from crying.

A minute later, Flynn and Estelle appeared in his doorway. "Hi, Yuri," Flynn said with his usual forced cheeriness. "Did you do anything today?"

"Nope." He took a moment to look to Estelle, and noticed that instead of bustling off to the kitchen to get lunch ready, she hovered in the doorway with a worried expression. Suddenly, he regretted not paying attention to what she'd been saying to Flynn. "What's up with you guys?"

To his credit, Flynn didn't beat around the bush. "The verdict for Carter's trial came in. He was acquitted for murder but convicted for everything he did to you. He was sentenced to ten years in prison. I escorted him there this morning."

"He got off?!" He pushed himself up. "What do you mean he got off?!"

"They decided there wasn't enough evidence to prove he was the Heartbreaker."

"He was supposed to hang for this!"

"I know." Flynn hung his head. "Yuri… I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do."

He finally found a reason to get out of bed, and that was to murder Carter with his bare hands. Only the thought that there was no way he could get to him in prison stopped him from getting up right now. "Why is this how it  _always_  ends up? 'Sorry the bastard got off, Yuri. There was nothing I could do. That's justice.' This isn't justice! What about all the people he killed?"

"I'm angry, too, Yuri."

"This doesn't have to be the end," Estelle said. "If Flynn reforms the justice system before he's let out, they can send him to trial again and get him convicted then."

"Yeah, sure, keep hoping. I'm not going to put my faith in the system, though. It's let me down a few too many times." He slumped back into bed. He should have known it would end like this. Nothing ever worked out for him, not even getting the man who kidnapped, tortured, tried to murder, and crippled him sentenced to death. Of course, it was primarily his fault. His disastrous testimony was the reason the man who'd made so many families suffer was getting off. What a piece of shit. If Carter had actually killed him, in front of Flynn, he'd have been convicted of murder for sure.

 _Why am I still alive? I should have died down there. Everyone would be better off if I'd died down there._ Flynn said Estelle had needed to cast Resurrection three separate times the night he was rescued to re-start his heart. He wasn't  _meant_  to be alive.

"I'm going to make this right, Yuri. Just give me more time to fix the system and then he'll get the justice he deserves. We knew this would take a long time."

"Yeah, whatever." He rolled over to face the wall, wanting nothing more to do with this conversation. The idea of still being alive years from now to see Carter hang just made him more upset. By then, he'd hoped his friends would move on from him so he could kill himself in peace.

Estelle's voice came hesitantly. "Do you… want to join us for lunch?"

"No."

"O-ok…"

Flynn led her out, and Yuri squeezed his eyes shut. Left alone, he could focus on the idea of Carter being sent to prison instead of executed and his heart skipped a beat. One day, Carter would be free. In fact, prisons were escapable. What would happen if he got out? He didn't want to admit it, but Yuri was afraid. The fear that Carter would escape and come after him again nauseated him.

Maybe it would be good though? If Carter escaped and killed him, then Yuri would get to die without feeling guilty about making his friends upset, plus Flynn would have a reason to hang Carter. Really, Carter murdering him would be the best solution for everyone involved. If he could just get Carter to kill him right away without dragging it tortuously out….

He drifted off to sleep while daydreaming about Carter escaping and taking all his problems away.

* * *

A clank snapped Yuri out of his nap and he glanced to the dresser to see someone drop the dagger Judith had given him. For a moment he was confused, because it clearly wasn't Flynn, and who else would be in the house at this time of day? Then the intruder pushed the dagger away and turned around while Yuri reached complete consciousness.

"What are you doing here, Old Man?"

Raven smirked. "What, an old man can't pop in to visit his friend?"

Yuri grabbed the headboard to pull himself upright. "When did you get into town?"

"Just now. I had an errand to run for Harry and thought I'd stop by. Actually, I checked the hospital first but they told me ya'd been discharged so I figured I'd check here. So, how ya doin'?"

Yuri scowled and glanced out the window, which gave him a great view of the neighbour's brick wall. "Fine."

"Really? 'Cause I've never known you ta nap during the day. What d'ya say we drag Flynn away from work for a bit and go get a drink somewhere?"

Ugh, leaving the house. That sounded exhausting. "I don't really feel like it. Maybe next time you're in town."

Raven crossed his arms and leaned against the dresser. "So, does this have anythin' ta do with how Flynn told me to make sure you rolled over when I visited?"

Yuri wrinkled his nose; he didn't need everyone he knew privy to his medical issues. "That has nothing to do with it."

"Oh, yeah? 'Cause I always thought the people who were at risk for bed sores were the ones who spent all their time in bed. Thought you were discharged?"

"I was, but that doesn't mean I want to go drinking across the town. Believe it or not, I'm still a bit sore from the knife in my back thing." Not that the actual stab wound was the cause of his pain, but 'I got stabbed' was an easier explanation for why he was in pain than, 'I don't understand how it works but my nerves are all wonky and freaking out all the time and it just aches a lot'. Besides, he couldn't go out - he wasn't wearing any pants. He hadn't worn pants since the day he got out of the hospital, actually, because they were a pain in the ass to struggle into and out of and it was just easier to leave them off between cathing every few hours.

Before Raven could respond, he forced a subject change. "You see Karol and Judy lately?"

Raven nodded. "Oh, yeah, they're great. Talk about you a lot, ta be honest."

"Me?" Probably talking about how frustrating he was and how much he'd let them down and how irritating it was that they were going to have to keep giving him money for doing no work to save face with Estelle and the others.  _They'd be sad if you were dead… but probably guiltily relieved._

"It's all 'I wonder when Yuri will get here' and 'save that wood so we can make a ramp for Yuri'. Between missions they've been busy renovatin' that old office on the first floor inta a bedroom."

"Oh." It was all he could think to stay. He felt guilty that they were going through so much trouble for him when he couldn't even imagine moving to Dahngrest. It wasn't that he was against the idea, he just consistently found it difficult to imagine having a future of any kind. "Well, that's nice of them."

Raven didn't speak again right away. Yuri fidgeted under Raven's appraising eyes while his mind filled in the blanks of what Raven no doubt thought about him.  _Tragic. Used ta be so energetic. Could always count on him in a fight but now he's a helpless cripple_.

When Yuri couldn't stand the stare anymore, he glowered at Raven and said, "What're you staring at? Never seen a cripple before?"

Raven shrugged, face turning to the wall. "So, when are we gonna stop pretendin' you're doin' ok?"

Yuri crossed his arms. "I'm fine."

"It'll get better, you know." He met Yuri's eyes. "I know it feels pretty hopeless now, but with enough time-"

"Yes, I know, 'healing takes time. You'll get over it if you wait long enough'. I've been told already, thanks."

"I wasn't gonna say you'll get over. I was gonna say, it's damn hard to restart a life after you lose the first one. Nobody knows that better than me. Listen, kid, I get it. Your body's changed, you've been through hell, and you're hurtin' both physical and emotional."

"You don't  _get it_ ," he snapped. In a way, he welcomed conversations that irritated him, because getting angry was an emotion that was easy to latch onto and was an interesting vacation from despair. "I'm sure getting your heart replaced was upsetting, but I'm fucking paralyzed. I've seen you do backflips while I can't ever walk again, so you standing there with you perfectly functional legs telling me you understand just what I'm going through is not helping."

Raven held up his hands. "Whoa, whoa, I didn't say it was the same. Similar, maybe, but not the same. Actually, that makes me kinda pathetic, don't it? When I first woke up, I spent a lot of time bellyachin' about my life. All I'm tryin' ta say is… I've been there, and I'm livin' proof it's possible ta get out of it."

"I can't 'bounce back' or whatever. Getting up and going back to living isn't possible."

"Maybe not the gettin' up part, but I bet ya'd be surprised what ya can do from a chair."

Quite frankly, Yuri wasn't interested in finding out.

"But you're not gonna get anywhere if ya let your body rot. What are you doin' in bed all day for, anyway? I mean, unless you had a partner in bed with you, not much ta do there. You're gonna lose all that muscle in your arms you worked so hard ta get back and if you get bed sores on your legs, you'll be sorry."

Yuri understood this in theory, but it just didn't seem to matter. Maybe he would get pressure sores or urinary tract infections or muscle wasting, but… that was all months from now. He didn't even want to be alive months from now, so why worry?

Raven paced toward him. "I'm not kiddin' around, either. I won't hound ya about the mental stuff 'cause I know that'll sort itself out with time, but I think we're all concerned about you takin' care of yourself. If you don't treat an infection properly, you might actually die."

"Yeah, I know." He struggled to sound concerned about the prospect of dying.

Raven's long silence warned him that maybe he wasn't a good actor.  "Oh, hell…"

Yuri tried to remain casual. "What?" If his friends knew he felt like this, they'd freak out and worry all the time and try to get in long conversations about how beautiful life was and how much hope he should have.

Raven dropped onto the edge of the bed. He gazed into Yuri's eyes with an expression more serious than Yuri had ever seen on him. It sent a shiver down his back because it reminded him of the stony professionalism of Captain Schwann. "How long?"

"How long what?"

Without any hint of his usual drawl, he asked, "For how long have you wanted to kill yourself?"

Was there even a point of lying anymore? Yuri watched the bricks next door rather than look at Raven. "Since I got out of the hospital."

Raven let out a heavy sigh. "I don't know if you want ta hear this but… I've been there. After the Great War, I really didn't see much point in livin' anymore. I figured, I'd already died once, right? Stayin' alive was insultin' nature. Didn't have any friends or family who'd miss me, what was I stickin' around for?"

Yuri slowly turned his head. "So… why didn't you?" Hell, if he didn't have friends who'd miss him, he probably would have done it a week ago.

Instead of answering right away, Raven slowly stroked his chin. "Ya know… I'm not entirely sure. In the end, adoptin' a new identity and finding' a new goal through helpin' Alexei is what got me outta my rut. Why I didn't before then, well… I guess some part of me, deep down, still wanted ta live."

He didn't know what to say to that. Was he supposed to agree that some part of him still wanted to live? If he had such a part, he hadn't found it. Maybe it was masquerading as the part that didn't want to make his friends sad?

Raven fumbled with his hands. "Listen, kid, all I'm sayin' is, I found myself in a similar mindset once, but I'm still here. I couldn't imagine ever havin' hope for the future again, but what d'ya know? You kids taught me a thing or two and boy am I ever glad I stuck around. Feelin' like that didn't last forever for me, so it probably won't for you, either, and I am so glad I didn't go through with it back then." He smiled wryly. "After all, what would you kids have done without me?"

What Raven said did make sense, but inside Yuri's head, logic waged war with overwhelming hopelessness and the latter threatened to win. Just because it happened for Raven didn't mean it would happen for him. But, maybe it would? It was hard to have hope that he'd be able to feel hopeful again.

"So, do you have a plan?"

Yuri shrugged. "I can't exactly jump off a roof, can I? Figured I'd slice my thigh. I'd bleed out pretty fast and it wouldn't hurt."

Raven shifted uncomfortably. "Ya know… speakin' as a guy who's died, it's not all it's cracked up ta be. Those last few seconds take an eternity, and it's a  _miserable_ eternity. Bleeding out, lungs goin' inta overdrive tryin' ta breathe, feels like havin' a heart attack. Ya piss your pants, too, ya know that? Nothin' glamorous about it. Dyin's ugly."

"Hm." Raven hadn't wanted to die in battle; of course he'd been miserable. It probably wouldn't have been that bad if he'd  _wanted_  to die.

"Ya know… a lot of people would be upset if you were gone. I don't often say it, but you mean a lot ta me, kid. None of us care that you're paralyzed - not like we were friends with ya 'cause we liked your legs so much."

Sure, he said that  _now,_ but how long would that last when he realized how boring Yuri was now that he couldn't walk around?

"I really think you ought to get professional help. I didn't and it sucked and took years ta feel happy again."

Yuri sneered. "What, like Call-Me-Sarah?"

Raven shrugged. "Maybe not her specifically. Someone."

He didn't even want to talk to people he  _liked_  about this, let alone obnoxious therapists. "Yeah, sure."

"You should tell Flynn, at least. He'd want ta know."

"No. He'd freak out."

Raven nodded. "Yeah, 'cause he loves you."

Yuri rolled his eyes. "Just don't tell him. He's worried enough as it is."

Raven sighed and hung his head. "Sorry, that's one thing I can't promise." He stood up and walked back to the dresser, where he picked up the knife and then the sword leaning in the corner.

"Hey, what are you doing with my stuff?"

Raven turned with the blades in hand. "Well I'm hardly gonna leave the tools you'd need ta do it in reach."

Irritation bristled again. "Gonna start serving me with pre-cut meals again?"

"I didn't say that, I'm just sayin' I'd feel like a pretty terrible friend if I left you with a knife right after you said you wanted to kill yourself with it."

"Stealing from a cripple? Put those back."

Raven put his hand on his hip. "Why don't you get out of bed and stop me?"

Yuri's eyes darted to the chair, briefly considering going after him. Even if he did, he doubted Raven would give him the knife, so it wasn't worth the effort. Instead, he chucked his pillow at him. Raven side-stepped and and then walked to the doorway. "Take it from someone who's been there - it's worth it ta get out. Talk ta someone, even if it's just Flynn or Estelle. I have ta head back to Dahngrest tomorrow but if you'd like ta talk ta me, send a letter and I'll be here as soon as I can."


	16. Snow Day

He'd left the file he needed in his office. Flynn crashed his forehead to his desk in frustration when he realized this. It wasn't worth it to walk all the way back to the castle to get it, so he'd just take care of it tomorrow morning. In general, though, working from home had been nice. Nobody bothered him, he had an easy supply of snacks in the kitchen, and when he was especially frustrated he could collapse in bed and whine into a pillow until a solution came to him.

As he scratched his name on a form, he considered how much more difficult this would be if Kat were still here. She'd probably nap on his desk while he was trying to work and crawl on his shoulders to headbutt him while he tried to concentrate. A sad smile came to his lips as he pushed the form to the side of his desk. One plus side of what had happened to Yuri was that he was so angry at Carter about Yuri that he forgot to also hate him for killing his cat. Putting Carter in prison had been satisfying, but the fact remained that Carter had set out to ruin his life and he'd certainly accomplished a lot of damage.

He heard footsteps creaking up the stairs and turned around just as Raven slunk into the study. "Knock-knock. You busy?"

"Not especially."

"Good. We need ta talk."

Considering Raven had just come from talking to Yuri, Flynn couldn't imagine this was going to be a happy conversation. Maybe he should have gone to the castle after all. Raven set Yuri's dagger on his desk and his sword against the wall. Flynn eyed them worriedly. "What happened?"

"Nothin'. Yet." He sat on the edge of the desk. "I thought you oughta know he's thinking about killing himself."

Flynn's heart throbbed so hard his entire body felt it. He'd known depression had Yuri in its grip, but it hadn't occurred to him it was this bad. The idea that Yuri might actually kill himself was too terrible to contemplate. "Are you sure? Let's not jump to conclusions."

"He told me himself. I'm bringin' you his blades because he described his plan ta us 'em on himself."

"Oh…" he croaked. Blood rushed in his ears and his hands shook. Without thinking, he got to his feet.

"Slow down." Raven grabbed his shoulder. "What are ya plannin' to do?"

"Talk to him of course!" Yuri wanted to  _kill_  himself! He needed to talk to Yuri - to do  _something_  about this. "I'll talk sense into him. I'll-"

"Sit down." Raven pushed his shoulder and Flynn's wobbly knees crumpled back to his seat. "Don't go stormin' down there 'til ya pull yourself together. Flippin' out at him isn't gonna help."

"Right. Of course. What do I do?" He'd never experienced such a terrifying combination of being out of his element but with such high stakes.

"Get a hold of yourself. Don't confront him until you can do it calmly and patiently. When you do, don't wax poetic about how much there is to live for, 'cause that'll probably just piss him off."

"Ok… ok." He rested his elbows on the desk and covered his face with his hands. "Thank you for telling me."

"He didn't want me to. Yuri doesn't wanna worry any of us, and he's pretty mad at me for tellin'. But, keep an eye on him. I wouldn't leave him alone, but if Repede's keepin' watch, that oughta be fine."

"Thank you. It's a good thing you visited. I wouldn't have… I didn't even think…"

Raven patted his shoulder. "Don't blame yourself. He's been puttin' effort inta hidin' it."

"Yes, I suppose so." That didn't stop him from feeling guilty. "So, you talked to him? What did you say to him?"

There was a silence before Raven answered. "Well… I told him about how I was suicidal years back, and how grateful I am I didn't go through with it. Told him what dyin' feels like, too, so he'd know what he was gettin' inta. 'Course, I might have exaggerated a bit on that part."

Flynn frowned. "What did you tell him?"

"That it was the worst, most miserable experience of my life. Figured tellin' him the truth wouldn't be persuasive enough."

With the threat of Yuri dying hanging over his head so consistently over the past few months, he suddenly found himself needing to know, more than ever before. "If you don't mind me asking… what  _is_  dying like?" He'd seen a lot of people die over the years, from his soldiers on the field to his mother drifting off while he held her hand. He had always taken it for granted that death would forever be a mystery to the living, but if he had the chance to know….

Raven patted his shoulder. "It's just like fallin' asleep. Once you've accepted you're about to die, there's no reason to worry about anythin' anymore. It feels calm, and then ya drift away into darkness. Not so bad, really. The only ones who suffer are the ones left behind."

Flynn slowly nodded, feeling a weight he hadn't realized he carried lift. It was freeing to think that his mother would have felt calm upon her death, or that the young woman Carter stabbed to death in front of him had found relief in her final moments. And if, heaven forbid, Yuri didn't make it… at least he would find peace in the end. "Thank you."

"Sorry, but I gotta get goin'. I have a caravan ta catch back ta Dahngrest."

"That's fine. Thank you again."

Raven left, and Flynn spent a long time sitting at his desk and doing nothing. He'd been told not to talk to Yuri right away, but trying to work like everything was normal while this hung over his head made him feel guilty. Doing anything felt wrong but there wasn't anything he could do, so he sat and stared at his hands while wondering if that morning he'd run out of the Comet after Sodia was the last time he would ever see Yuri his usual self.

The next time he looked at a clock, he realized twenty minutes had passed. Was he calm enough now? Just thinking about it sent a flash of heat through his veins, but he couldn't imagine ever not feeling this way. Deciding he was as composed as he could ever be about this situation, he crept downstairs.

He knocked on the door frame and stepped in. "Hi."

Yuri propped himself on one elbow. "Raven told you, didn't he?"

He cautiously approached the bed. "Yes. Yuri… you should have said something to me."

Yuri rolled his eyes. "What would that have done?"

"I could have tried to help, or at least been aware of the risk." He sat on the side of the bed. "I want to know what's going on with you."

"Nothing is going on with me; that's the problem. I can't do anything." His eyes turned on the lump of his legs on the blanket. "Can't even move."

Flynn wanted to point out that he could move lots of places if he got out of bed and wheeled himself around, but starting an argument wouldn't help. Instead, he dropped forward so they lay side-by-side. "I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I'm sorry I can't help."

"Stop worrying so much. Even if I die, it's not the end of the world. You'll get over it and it'll work out better because you don't have to worry about me."

"How can you say that?" When he met Yuri's eyes, it scared him how honest they were. He truly believed dying wouldn't be a big deal. "I would be devastated if you died, and Estelle would, too. I'm sure the same is true of all your friends." He grabbed the front of Yuri's shirt, like he could physically hold on to his life. "Listen to me, Yuri: you are not worthless. I love you, and that didn't change when you got injured and it hasn't changed because you've been depressed."

Yuri grabbed his shoulder and pulled him close. "Sorry for worrying you."

Flynn pressed his forehead into Yuri's chest. "This is backward. I'm supposed to be comforting you."

"Yeah, but I'm not feeling particularly sad or anything." He wrapped his arms around Flynn and held him close.

"Promise me you won't kill yourself," Flynn breathed.

Flynn hated how Yuri hesitated. "Yeah, ok."

"I'm serious, Yuri. Promise me that if you get to a point where you think you have to, we'll talk it over first."

"Ok, I promise."

Even as Yuri said it, Flynn knew that if he truly reached that point, he would be so far gone that a promise like this wouldn't hold weight. Hopefully, though, making him promise might do something to convince him Flynn was serious about not wanting him gone.

Flynn had the rest of the day's work upstairs, but he couldn't bring himself to do any of it. The only place he wanted to be was right here, closer to Yuri than he'd been in weeks. Even with this physical proximity, he still felt like Yuri was so far away from his reach. As time trickled by and they remained embracing, he really wasn't sure who was comforting whom.

* * *

Flynn was lounging on the couch when Estelle walked in. She did a double-take after closing the door and seeing him. "Oh, hello. Why are you home?"

He set the letter in his hands on the coffee table. "It's my day off."

She took off her shoes and smiled while sitting in the armchair. "I forgot you sometimes take those."

Flynn frowned, faking indignation. "I have one day off every week. Sometimes I have to go to my office to catch up on some things I don't have time for during the week."

"You're not supposed to do work on your day off, Flynn." She shook her head with bemusement. With a pointed glance at the stack of envelopes on the coffee table, she asked, "What are you working on now?"

"Just going through my mail. I get the urgent ones during the week but on the weekend I like to go through the ones that had been sorted out as non-essential."

Estelle picked one up and skimmed over it. "If it's non-essential, why are you bothering with it? This one is just yelling at you because you haven't arrested the person who parks their cart across the street from the writer's house every day."

"Well…" he hated explaining this to people because they never understood and just looked at him like he was crazy. "I like doing it. Some of them are very entertaining, especially the angry ones."

"You  _like_  looking through your junk mail?"

There it was, the look he was used to. "Not the ones that are, for example, advertising a money lending service with no interest, not counting the hundred gald per hour fee specified in the fine print. Those are boring trash. I mean…" he sat up and shuffled through the pile he'd already opened. "Here's one. 'Dear Commandint' - their misspelling - 'I am very disappointed in the nights. My… ney-bur stall my diner the other day and you haven't godden it back I am so angry and my wife is angry to you are ignoring are needs. Aleksee was better then you and he tried to take over the world how doss that feel you bastert? You shood be fired and put in jail yourself becuss we hate you we hate you more than anything in this dam world!'" He lowered the lead and saw Estelle covering her mouth as her shoulders shook with silent giggles. Flynn tossed the letter back into the pile and smiled. "They're fairly amusing."

Once Estelle calmed her laughter, she asked, "Doesn't it bother you to get such nasty letters?"

Flynn shrugged. "I admit it did at first, but I've learned not to take them too seriously. Any prominent official will have people unhappy with them. I might be upset if it was serious critique or coming from a person whose opinion I valued, but anonymous hate mail with poor spelling blasting me for not arresting their neighbours for any tiny gripe is more amusing that hurtful." He surveyed the pile of letters and said, "I know this isn't the most productive use of time, but they're pretty funny and I figure I might as well slack off on my day off every once in a while."

Estelle glanced to the hall leading to Yuri's room. Her forehead creased momentarily, and then she forced a smile and nodded. "You're right. You do deserve a break."

"I do feel slightly guilty because I admit my output has decreased in the past couple of weeks." He repositioned the pillow behind his back to get more comfortable. "I find myself distracted even when trying to work."

"I don't think anyone could blame you. Or, those who could are the ones who'd find reason to be upset with you no matter what you do. Everyone needs a break now and then to give their minds a chance to rest. You especially, because you haven't been able to relax even when work is over, since you've been worrying so much. How is Yuri, anyway?"

The question of 'how was Yuri?' could really only be answered one way: with a heaving sigh. "He's… consistent, I guess. He hasn't gotten any worse." Of course, he didn't think it was possible to reach a place worse than being suicidal, but he didn't say that. "He's asleep for now."

"And he still wants to…?"

Telling Estelle the depth of Yuri's despair yesterday hadn't been an easy task. Flynn wearily nodded. "Yes, as far as I know. I'm really glad for Repede. If he wasn't here I don't think I would be able to leave Yuri's room without worrying."

"I wish we could do something to help him," Estelle said with a forlorn gaze down the hall.

"We're doing everything we can," Flynn muttered. "It's not our fault if he doesn't even  _try_  to get better." He couldn't help feeling angry with Yuri sometimes. If he would just get out of bed and leave the house, maybe he'd realize the world wasn't so bad after all. He'd rejected the therapist and refused to talk to Flynn, and it seemed like he didn't want to put any effort into feeling better. Flynn wanted to help, but there was only so much he could do if Yuri didn't meet him halfway. These thoughts inspired a flash of anger and he spat out, "He's being selfish. I know he's in pain, but this is hard on you and me as well." As soon as he said it, he looked away with a scowl. Not able to look at Estelle's worried face, he said, "I'm sorry. This isn't about me. I know it isn't his fault, I just… sometimes I feel so angry that he's paralyzed because it's making my life so much more difficult."

"I think that's ok." Flynn was relieved to see that her face was filled with sympathy rather than judgement. "You can't help Yuri if you don't take care of yourself first."

"It just feels so selfish to be upset about how this is affecting  _me_."

Estelle moved from the chair to the couch to sit closer to him. "If it helps, I don't blame you. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have interrupted you while you were relaxing. We should go back to these amusing letters." She searched the unopened pile and pulled out an envelope. "Here, this is a much better use of our time." After opening the envelope and pulling out a folded piece of paper, she began to read. "'My dear Flynn, this is the fifth time I've written you. You haven't responded yet, so I must assume you haven't gotten my earlier letters. My name is Henrietta and I have some important news for you: we are soul mates. I know it might be hard to believe considering we haven't met, but I talked to my palm reader and she told me I would marry a man who was handsome, with blond hair and lots of money, who was well respected by all. I can't think who else she might have seen in my future but you! I know you're in a relationship with Yuri Lowell but I looked up his birthday and the stars just don't line up like they do for us. I urge you to meet me at the Lucky Cluckit pub tomorrow at noon so we can finally meet in person and begin a love story that will go down in history. Yours always and forever, Henrietta Burbank."

Flynn smacked his forehead when she finished. "Well I suppose that's nicer than telling me I'm a 'bastert' who is the worst person in the world." At the back of his mind, the weight of his worry for Yuri and his guilt for pitying himself threatened to bring him down, but he refused to listen. This was his day off, dammit, and as far as he was concerned, that meant he could spend at least this morning not worrying constantly. Estelle was right; if he didn't let himself take a break occasionally, the stress would burn him out. Yuri was asleep, so Flynn put him to the back of his mind and focused on the ridiculously creative ways people either insulted or praised him.

Estelle giggled and nodded. "I like these better."

"Hold on, they're often easy to find." Flynn leaned forward to rustle through the pile. Finding one with a large red imprint on the back, he pulled it out and opened it. "This one must be good because she sealed it with a loving kiss. Let's see… oh, she wrote me a poem, how sweet."

"What does it say?" Estelle snatched it from his hands and her smile grew wider and wider with every line. "Apparently your eyes are like sapphires that shine so blue it's like they contain the ocean and your hair is golden like the sun itself."

"Now that sounds dangerous. I wouldn't want the ocean in my eyes - the salt would hurt." He grabbed another at random. "Oh, dear, this is another angry one. I'm ruining the economy because the only reason major businesses can stay open is by underpaying their employees. It seems he's mad that the Knights intervened and forced him to pay his employees rather than using them as cheap slave labour and I should go to hell with the rest of the ungrateful lower quarter workers who don't recognize a good opportunity when they see it. Not enough spelling mistakes to be truly enjoyable, though."

Estelle grabbed another, but as her eyes scanned her face fell. "Flynn… this one is saying Carter is innocent and Yuri deserved what he got."

Flynn stiffened, and then grabbed the letter before Estelle could read it more in-depth. "Damn, I'm sorry, I should have warned you those were lurking in here like bad eggs."

"There's more than one like that?"

Flynn crumpled the letter without reading it. "Unfortunately. The nutballs are really coming out of the woodwork with this one."

Estelle seemed on the edge of tears. "How could anyone say Yuri deserved it?"

"These people are delusional. Don't take it seriously."

"The woman in the letter said she wanted to kill both you and Yuri to make you pay for ruining Carter's life. She said she knew him when he was a kid and doesn't believe he could be capable of this so you must have framed him and now she wants you to die."

Flynn nodded. "Yes, I've gotten more than one letter saying something to the same effect."

"They're threatening your life, Flynn! We need to do something about this!"

"Lady Estellise, I appreciate your concern, but if the commandant rose a ruckus every time he got death threats, the knights would be on high-alert so often it would just be normal alert. We do look into the ones that come from a source that might have the means to follow through, but we just don't have the resources to investigate every angry letter."

"If you say so."

Flynn tossed the crumpled ball over his shoulder and found another one with the tell-tale marks of lipstick. "Here, this one will be better." Flynn quickly glanced over it. His cheeks warmed and then he shoved it back to the table. "On second thought, maybe not."

"Why not?" Estelle reached for it.

"No-" she got it before he could stop.

Estelle read, eyes growing wider with every line. "Oh, my. She, um, is certainly detailed about what she wants to do with you."

Flynn's head collapsed into his hands. "I prefer the love letters where their fantasies have me fully clothed."

"That's the most detailed description of someone's bottom I've ever seen and I read romance novels. Although, she does have a point. Your pants are rather tight."

"They have to be to fit properly under armour."

"She seems even more interested in the effect tight pants have on you from the front view."

"I'm never leaving the house in anything but baggy sweat pants again."

"You know, she's a very good writer. And…" pink flushed her face, "she's very creative. For example, in this suggested activity, I would never have thought of putting  _that_ -"

Flynn snatched the letter back before she could continue. "I get the idea."

* * *

"Yuri…"

The voice floated into his head as he rose out of his nap.

"Wakey-wakey, rise and shine."

He opened his eyes and blinked in confusion. "Ugh… Judy?"

She smiled as she leaned over his bed. "Good afternoon, sleepy head."

"What are you doing here?"

Karol popped out from behind her. "We're here to visit, of course! As soon as we got Estelle's letter we had to come."

"Go back to Dahngrest. There's nothing to do here."

"Nonsense. It looks to me like you're slacking off."

Yuri scowled. "Slacking? What do you expect me to do? I can't walk."

"You're never going to feel better if you let yourself rot in bed all day. It's time to get some fresh air, so get up, we're going out."

The prospect of going out was way too overwhelming. He didn't have the energy to leave bed, let alone leave the house. "I don't feel like it today. Sorry."

"You're never going to feel like it with that attitude," Karol said crossing his arms.

"It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, the temperature is warming up, and you're coming with us whether you want to or not." Judith grabbed his blanket and yanked it off. Karol yelped and spun around with his hands over his face, while Judith didn't even flinch when she discovered Yuri wasn't wearing any pants. "Well," she said, "you can't go out like that."

"I'm not going out at all."

Judith fetched a pair of pants from his dresser and tossed them on Yuri's chest. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way. Between Karol and I, we can drag you out of bed, into the chair, and out of the house. I wouldn't recommend going outside without pants, because it still is fairly chilly and you might get frostbite in a very delicate area, but I'm pretty sure Estelle can heal that if push comes to shove."

Yuri grabbed the pants and glared at her. He knew that look on her face, and she wasn't bluffing. Judy really would take him out in the snow half-naked, and he wasn't in any position to fight her off. Still scowling, he pushed himself up and got to work on getting his pants on. "There, are you happy?"

"Very. You can open your eyes now, Karol."

Karol lowered his hands to reveal a pink face, but then he took control. "Yeah, ok. As your guild boss, Yuri, I demand you get out of bed."

"I'm dressed and sitting upright; isn't that enough? Besides, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I'm going to resign from the guild." It was the right thing to do. He couldn't help them on missions so accepting money and membership benefits would be wrong.

Karol crossed his arms. "I don't accept your resignation."

"You can't force me to stay in the guild."

"Watch me." He stared Yuri down, and then Yuri gave up trying to win the contest.

"Whatever." He dropped back to bed with a roll of his eyes. He'd fight this some other time.

"I don't think so." Judith grabbed his arm and pulled. "We're going to expose you to sunlight today, and that's that."

"Hey, get off me."

"Karol, get his legs."

"Don't you dare."

"Ok, pull."

"Repede! Help me, won't you?"

From the floor, Repede watched with interest but made no move to help. Yuri tried to fight Judith off, but with Karol dragging his legs and Judith having better leverage, he couldn't stop them from dragging him right out of bed and into the seat of his chair. Yuri crossed his arms and glared at Repede. "Traitor."

"Hush. He knows this will be good for you, too," Judith said while Karol brought him a sweatshirt and gloves.

Yuri reluctantly put these on, resigning himself to going outside. Judith pushed him into the hall, and Yuri called, "Flynn! Hey, Flynn, get down here!"

As they reached the door, Flynn appeared at the top of the stairs. "Is something wrong?"

"Yes! They're kidnapping me!"

"Oh, that. Yes, Judith told me you were going out. I'm sorry, I'm working on something so I can't join you."

Karol opened the door and a blast of cool air smacked Yuri in the face. "Dammit, Flynn! Get down here and help me!"

"Have a nice time." Flynn walked back to his study.

"Asshole!"

Judith pushed him to the street with a smile. "What a lovely day."

Yuri crossed his arms and glared at the snow, hoping to make it melt. "It's freezing."

Karol strolled beside them as they made their way down the street. "You're just saying that because you haven't been outside in weeks. It's actually pretty warm today."

Yuri swatted Judith's hands away. "Stop pushing. If you're going to make me come out, at least let me push myself."

She backed away without protest, giving the impression she'd been hoping he'd say that.

There was too much snow to be out. He hadn't had any exercise in weeks and his arms were exhausted from the effort of pushing through the snow. His nose froze, his biceps ached, his back hurt, and the sun was way too bright and sunny. Outside sucked and he wanted to go back home, hide under his blanket, and contemplate how relaxing being dead would be.

As they walked - rolled, rather - Karol rambled about various missions they'd been on. Hearing about the adventures his friends had been on while he was laid up in bed didn't do much to cheer him up. More than anything, he wanted to run off on adventures with Brave Vesperia again, but he couldn't even do the running thing, let alone the adventures. Throughout it all, Karol made a point to mention how much they missed him, and how his presence in Dahngrest would make things better. He casually threw out how many people had asked after him, and how many friends wanted to wish him well.

After some time, they reached the steep road leading into the lower quarter. Yuri stopped at the top of the hill and a vivid mental image of losing his grip, flying down the road, and crashing into a snowbank filled his head. A familiar thought slogged through his mind:  _I can't do this_. "Judy… would you mind giving me a hand down the slope?"

"Sure."

He hadn't been to the lower quarter since the night Carter kidnapped him. It felt weird to be coming back, and even weirder to be doing it in a wheelchair. The path was steep, but Judith kept him from careening out of control. At the base of the hill, she let go so he could push himself again. People on the street paused to watch him, and he could feel their eyes filling with pity and curiosity. Some stopped to wave or shout a greeting, which Yuri apathetically returned.

He stopped when they reached the Comet. Someone passed the window of his room and his heart throbbed. Estelle and Rita had already cleaned out his room one afternoon, and now the room was being rented out to guests again. Of course he  _knew_  he wasn't going to live there anymore, but actually seeing his old place being lived in by someone else made sadness well up inside. Sometimes, it just really struck him how different things would be from now on.

"Hey, there are some kids playing over there," Karol said, watching his face nervously. "Let's go check it out."

"Yeah, sure," Yuri said without much commitment.  _I just want to go home_. Well, 'home', meaning Flynn's house. He didn't have a home of his own anymore.

He followed Karol and Judith down the road. Why did he have to be outside? It just reminded him of how happy and ordinary everyone else was in comparison to his misery. Spending time with Judith and Karol would show them just how miserable he was to be around and then they wouldn't want to hang out with him anymore. Of course, since that was for the better, perhaps that was a silver lining. They'd realize what a waste of space he'd become and move on with their lives.

A block away, they found an empty lot that had been turned into a battlefield. Barricades of snow littered the white field, and children ranging from around five to around twelve waged war. Yuri remembered taking part in snowball fights in this very lot over ten years ago. One time he managed to get Flynn precisely between the eyes with a perfectly timed snowball and it was the highlight of his winter.

"Yuri!" Ted spotted him and dropped the snow in his hand. "Yuri, hi!" He dashed toward them, stumbling in the snow. "I haven't seen you in forever!"

"Hey."

Once he reached them, Ted stood awkwardly. His eyes drifted to Yuri's legs and then he quickly moved them back to his face. "So… um, how are you? We've all been really worried about you."

"The only thing you should be worrying about is that I'm stuck living with Flynn in a rich neighbourhood and that's driving me crazy."

Leaning against the wall, Judith gave him a look. Ok, so maybe he was understating his problems by a wide margin, but he saw no need to get Ted involved.

"Do you want to play with us, Yuri?" Ted asked with a big grin. "You always make the best snowballs."

"Yeah, Yuri!" Karol said. "Let's have a snowball fight."

"Ah… maybe not today. I think my wheels would get stuck in the snow. Besides," he shrugged casually, "you know everyone always argues over who gets me on their team."

Ted's smile drooped. "Oh… yeah, that's true. You're the best snowball fighter in the lower quarter so it really isn't fair."

"Karol," Judith said, "why don't you join? We'll wait here for a bit."

"Yeah, ok." Karol ran off with Ted and joined him behind a snowdrift. Within seconds they were gathering up snow to hurl at the other team.

"Do you have snowball fights with the kids often, Yuri?" Judith asked.

Yuri crossed his arms against his stomach to warm up. "Used to. Flynn and I did all the time when we were kids, and after we grew up the younger kids in the neighbourhood always begged me to come out and be on their team."

"Why not play with them now? I'm sure they miss you."

Yuri scowled and put off answering by shifting his weight with his arms. "I wouldn't be very good at it anymore. I can't manuever in snow so I'd be a sitting duck."

"Hm…" she strolled away, and then picked up a handful of snow. "You mean like this?" She chucked her snowball straight at him.

Yuri threw up his arm to block the ball a second before it hit his face, but he wasn't so lucky with the second one. It smacked his chest, sending snow raining down his lap. "Hey!"

"You're right, this is easy!"

"It's pretty low to throw snowballs at a cripple, you know."

"I'm pretty nefarious."

She lobbed a few more snowballs at him, and Yuri decided he wasn't just going to sit here and get hit. He leaned forward, but couldn't reach the ground without falling out of his chair. Luckily there was a snowbank only a few feet away, so with a heave he got his wheels over the snow and against the drift. With snow at arm height, he quickly packed a snowball and threw it straight back at Judith. She easily dodged and then threw a few more at him. One hit his knee and the others his chest. Damn, he needed cover! He had no interest in playing with snow, but sitting still and letting Judith pelt him with snowballs was even worse. He took a deep breath and then threw himself forward, hitting the snow drift. Before momentum stopped, he rolled, landing on the other said with a grunt.

"Karol!" Judith shouted. "He's hiding behind the snowdrift! Help me attack!"

Yuri heard running footsteps and rolled his eyes, wondering if Karol was here to throw more snow at him. Instead, the steps rounded the bank. Karol and Ted looked down at him lying in the snow. "What are you doing, Yuri?" Ted asked.

"Hiding. She still back there?"

Karol peered over the wall of snow. "Judy took shelter behind the abandoned fort, but she's still in range."

"Ok. I can't see over the wall, so I'll make the balls and you two throw them for me."

"On it!" Ted shouted, pumping his fist in the air.

Within minutes, the other kids in the lot wanted to know what was going on. Voices rang out in some variety of either, "I wanna be on Yuri's team!" or, "To the fort! This might be our chance to finally beat Yuri!" A small army of children joined Yuri behind the snowdrift. Yuri had managed to get himself upright, leaning against the drift while making a pile of ammunition his child soldiers could hurl at Judith.

None of the children seemed to care that he was paralyzed. A few of the younger ones had been confused at first and kept asking why Yuri wouldn't get up to play with them, but they eventually understood and stopped poking his legs in confusion. Once the initial questions had passed, the kids didn't have time to dwell on the things Yuri couldn't do, because there was a war to fight and the things Yuri  _could_  do were much more important. He may not have been able to run screaming across no-man's land with armfuls of snow to dump on the enemy, but he was still the best at making the balls (having larger hands was an advantage) and he had years more experience in such battles, making him an excellent strategist. He couldn't get on his knees to throw the balls himself, but in the event of a raid he could lob them backwards over his head and hope to hit someone.

They played until the sun hung low and cast long shadows across the lot. The air grew colder and gradually the army depleted as its veterans had to run home for dinner. They'd spent hours waging war, and Yuri couldn't remember the last time hours had gone by so fast. As Ted, the last of his army, waved goodbye and ran off for dinner, Yuri let out a deep breath. Despite his protests, the day had been… actually almost enjoyable. In the activity of battle, there had been no time to ponder his lot in life when shit needed doing. Plus, he forced himself to act cheerful around the children so as not to worry them, and it turned out that pretending to be happy felt pretty similar to the real deal after keeping it up for a few hours.

He heard a few more crunching footsteps, and then a pile of snow rained on his head. "Ack! Judy, the battle is over." His hands wiped his head to dislodge the snow before it could slip down his collar and melt.

"Now it is." She met Karol's eyes and they exchanged a smile. "We should head back. I'm getting hungry."

"Yeah," Karol said, standing up and wiping snow from his legs. "Man, I shouldn't have sat there for so long. I think my butt's gone numb."

Yuri snorted. "Oh, no, what a horror."

Karol paled upon realizing what he'd said. "Ah! Um, s-sorry, I didn't mean…"

Yuri waved his hand. "Whatever. Someone bring my chair around so I can get up."

Karol brought him the chair and then Judith gave him a hand off the ground. It was a long walk home, but it seemed warmer than the walk here even though the sun was setting and the air cooling. Yuri felt… strange. All those kids in the lower quarter still wanted to play with him even though he was broken. And then, he  _had_  played with them. It wasn't the same way he used to play, but it had been something. Today, he felt lighter than he had in weeks. If today felt better than yesterday, was it possible tomorrow could feel better? What if it really was possible to feel better someday? He didn't want to get his hopes up. He'd given up on healing physically so it was naive to hope to heal emotionally. But still… it might be nice to daydream about being happy one day.


	17. The Lights Turn on Again

Back at Flynn's house, Yuri found Estelle and Rita sitting in the living room with Flynn. Estelle perked up the moment he entered.

"Hello, Yuri! How are you?"

He shrugged and reached for the towel Flynn had left draped over the banister of the stairs in front of him. "Been better." He took care to wipe down his wheels, not wanting to make any more of a mess on Flynn's carpet than he had to. He was ruining Flynn's life enough as it was; the least he could do was be tidy. "What are you guys doing here?"

"We're heading out," Rita said. "We were just waiting for Judith to get back."

"Out where?" Yuri asked in surprise.

"Judith has invited us out for dinner," Flynn said, and then added, with a twinge of hope, "You're welcome to join us if you want."

Yuri looked up at a smiling Judith. "I have a choice? Figured you'd just haul me out like you did this afternoon."

Judith patted his shoulder. "I promise to only kidnap you once a day. Would you like to come?"

On one hand, a night out with his friends did sound fun. It had been a while since he saw them all together and maybe his good fortune of actually having fun this afternoon could carry over and he could enjoy himself tonight, too.

Or he'd be a grumpy stick in the mud and bring down the entire evening. He already felt worn out from the snowball fight and if his friends wanted him to come they'd have invited him before the last minute, like he was an afterthought. They probably wanted a night to have a good time without him making everyone sad and uncomfortable. The more time he spent with them, the faster they'd tire of him. "Nah, I'm tired. You guys have fun."

Flynn's smile wavered, but he managed to hold it. "Ok. We'll be back fairly late, probably."

The others headed for the door, but Karol stayed by Yuri's side. "What about you, Captain? Aren't you going?"

"Karol wouldn't have very much fun tonight," Judith said. "We're going to be drinking and he's too young for alcohol."

"Yeah, it would be really dull being the only sober kid in a bar." Karol waved it off casually, but Yuri wasn't stupid. He knew when he was being assigned a babysitter.

"Have fun, guys." They left, and Yuri rolled to his room. He took off his winter clothes and slid back onto bed. He was too lazy to bother getting under the blanket. Besides, it wasn't like his legs were cold.

Karol came by and stood in the doorway. "Are you hungry? I was going to make dinner."

Yuri shook his head. "Nah, not really. Help yourself to the kitchen, though."

Karol hesitated. "Are you sure? Even if you aren't that hungry, maybe you could help me? You said we you going to show me that pork chop recipe one day…"

Guilt stabbed his chest. He  _had_  promised, months ago, but he had no idea when he'd ever get around to it. Besides, that recipe needed a barbecue and it was still too cold and snowy to cook outside, let alone figure out how he'd reach a barbecue while sitting down. "Ah… sorry, Captain, now's not a good night."

"Oh. Ok, I'll just make something for myself then." He trudged away, leaving Yuri feeling guilty once again.

Karol was a good cook in his own right, Yuri reminded himself. He didn't need help and if Yuri wasn't eating there was no guilt in letting Karol do all the work. After going out this afternoon, he was just too exhausted to get up again. From the kitchen, he heard clinks of plates and thumps from cupboards. Karol ought to be out with the others having fun, but he was stuck here playing nanny. Yuri kneaded his palms against his forehead, hating himself once again for screwing things over for his friends. At least Flynn was having a night out rather than being cooped up taking care of him again.

He rolled on his side and stared at Repede, napping by the side of his bed. It was frustrating feeling so morose again when he'd been so close to happiness just half an hour ago. Maybe it was lying in bed that was making him so miserable? But then he'd have to get up and push himself around in the snow with everyone staring and pitying him and that sounded even worse. Playing with kids was fun, but he couldn't do that every day.

Before he could continue that train of thought, Karol rushed back to the doorway. "Hey, Yuri, the stove isn't turning on."

The immediate problem pushed away his dower thoughts. "Huh? What's wrong with it?"

"I don't know. I turned the knob but no fire is coming out."

Yuri groaned in frustration. "The pilot light probably went out."

"Ok, how do I fix it?"

"You're gonna need to get a long piece of paper, then turn on one of the other burners to get fire. Light the paper and then stick it into the broken one until the gas catches."

Karol nodded slowly. "O…kay, I think I can handle that."

He ran off again, and Yuri questioned whether this was really the best option. Lighting a match would work, too, but that gave a much shorter distance between your hand and the fire. But, if you didn't know what you were doing, sticking a flappy strip of paper into a burner was a good way to burn your fingers. Damn, he hadn't mentioned what to do with the paper afterwards, either. If Karol dropped it in the sink it would just make a sooty mess. He was about to call Karol back and tell him not to worry about it and let Flynn do it when he got home, but Flynn would probably be tipsy when he got back. Flynn had bad luck in the kitchen on the best of days - letting him fiddle with a gas burner while soaked in alcohol was asking for a disaster. The stove wouldn't be fixed until tomorrow and the longer the pilot light was out, the longer it would leak gas into the house.

With a sigh, he grabbed the transfer board and pulled himself out of bed. "Hey, Karol, hold on a sec! Let me help you with that." Karol could  _probably_  handle it on his own, but letting a twelve-year-old mess around with fire and gas with no experience and only a vague explanation of what he needed to do reeked of irresponsibility.

In the kitchen, he found Karol standing by a lit burner with a strip of paper in hand. "Oh, hey, Yuri. I think I got this."

"I'll show you what to do so you know for next time, ok?"

Karol handed him the paper, and Yuri twisted it into a thick baton that would give him more control. With Karol watching carefully, he stuck the end of the paper into the functional burner and then brought the flame to the defunct one. Seconds after sticking it in, the burner erupted with fire and Yuri whipped his hand back. It was a bit disconcerting doing this with the stove-top so much closer to face level, but he still had his eyebrows so no harm done. The fire was still burning its way down the paper to his hand, though, and Yuri took a moment to wonder what he planned to do with it, because his usual method was to stomp it out. Obviously, that option was off the table. "Do me a favour and stomp this out, will you?"

He dropped the fiery paper to the tile floor and let Karol grind the flames out. "There, we got it. Think you can do it on your own next time?"

Karol bobbed his head. "Yeah, I think so. Thanks a lot, Yuri."

"Sure. What are you making, anyway?"

"Chicken wings and rice. I was hoping Flynn had some kind of barbecue sauce in his cupboard. Do you know?"

"Uh…" Yuri hadn't paid much attention to the contents of Flynn's kitchen since he got here. He'd been planning to go back to bed once he got the stove set up for Karol, but might as well stick around to help him out. "Let's find out." He rolled to the pantry and gazed up at the shelves. "Here we go." The bottle was above his head, but Karol made no move to get it for him. Figures, since it was above Karol's head, too. Yuri reached, and his fingers grazed the lip of the shelf. He was about two inches short.  _Dammit, I can get this!_

It was a stupid bottle on a shelf; was he really so helpless he couldn't even manage that?  _Maybe…._  No! Just reach the damn thing! He strained, pushing against the armrest with his other hand to lift himself a few centimetres off the seat. Damn his fucking useless legs. He was still an inch away from reaching it.

Karol, apparently deciding Yuri had shown an admirable effort, said, "I'll get a chair and reach it."

"No, I got this." He couldn't let the barbecue sauce win. Yuri rolled back, scanned the counter, and grabbed a spatula. Armed with a reach-extender, he tried again. The end of the spatula easily reached the bottle, and he used it to push it to the edge of the shelf. The bottle dropped over the side, bounced off Yuri's outstretched hand, and then shattered on the floor. Yuri and and Karol stared at the thick brown liquid oozing onto the tiles in silence.

"…Uh-oh."

Karol smacked his forehead. "Man, what are we going to put on the chicken now?!"

_You fucked up. You ruined dinner, you fuck-up. Go curl up in bed and get out of everyone's way before you ruin it more._

Karol's frustrated expression dropped when he saw Yuri's face. "Ah! Yuri, it's fine, it's not really a big deal."

_Pitying you. Lying so he doesn't hurt your feelings. Fuck up._

Yuri fought the desire to punch himself. He didn't  _want_  to feel that way; feeling like that sucked. It was true, though, wasn't it? Dammit, dammit, dammit!

"Hey, actually, maybe this is good!" Karol knelt beside him and picked up the large pieces of broken glass. "Weren't you always saying you know a good recipe for barbecue sauce? I bet it would be way better than anything from a bottle."

"Yeah… maybe." That's right, he could make a killer sauce. Maybe this was his chance to redeem himself for ruining everything. "Ok… if we're going to make this, I think I'm going to need you to be in charge of getting things from the cupboard." He'd already fucked that up once, and besides, how was he supposed to carry handfuls of ingredients to the counter when he needed his hands free just to move?

Karol agreed, and stationed himself by the cupboard while Yuri listed ingredients. As Karol pulled them out, he handed them to Yuri who placed them on the counter. It steadily filled with food and then it was time to cook. At first, Yuri planned to explain the process and let Karol do it, but a quarter of the way in his fingers twitched for the spoon and even though he trusted Karol, he needed to get his hands dirty himself. Part of this was because he couldn't see what was in the pot while sitting down, and needed to tip it in his direction to make sure it was looking ok.

Originally he planned to stick around just for the sauce, but once that was done he stayed for the rice and chicken. It had been ages since he cooked, and he'd forgotten the simple pleasure of listening to meat sizzle and the feel of heat on his face as tangy flavours lit up his nose. There were a lot of things he struggled with, like getting water from the sink or opening the oven, but Karol took care of those parts. At the end of an hour, they brought dinner to the table and feasted on the fruits of their labour.

It had been a while since Yuri ate at a table, and maybe it was all in his head but food seemed to taste better over here than it did from his room. Over their dinner conversation, Karol laughed, smiled, and seemed to be the happiest Yuri had seen him since he got injured. Near the end of dinner, as he licked delicious sauce from his fingers, Yuri realized that he, too, was the happiest he had been since he got injured.

 _I can cook_. It was… hard. Not being able to reach the back burners of the stove and needing help to get ingredients from the top shelf pissed him off. Cooking while sitting felt weird and wrong in general, and he needed Karol to carry things. Despite everything, the fact remained that he had cooked. He'd  _done_  something, it hadn't turned out terribly, and he'd helped Karol with directions and advice as much as Karol helped him with more physical tasks. He would never be able to go back to his old life, but maybe… maybe he could do  _something_  with the one he was left with.

Flynn and the others didn't come back until after midnight. Yuri and Karol were playing a board game in the living when the door slammed open and Flynn stumbled into his house.

"Yuri! You're… you're awake! Hi!" Rosy cheeked, Flynn swayed and clutched the doorknob for support. Since the door wasn't stable, it swung back and hit the wall, sending him careening off balance. Only Judith stepping in and grabbing his arm kept Flynn from falling over.

"Is he ok?" Karol asked. In the doorway, Estelle leaned on Rita's shoulders and giggled.

"He just had a little too much to drink," Judith said. "Flynn, take your boots off."

"Oh - oh right. Yeah. Got it." He plopped onto the stairs and kicked off his boots, and then laid back with his head on the upper steps. "I think I'ma sleep… right… here…"

Yuri rolled across the living room. "I don't know if that's a great idea, Flynn. You ought to go upstairs and get undressed at least."

"I can undress!" He pushed against the stairs and sat up, swaying slightly. "I don't need upstairs. I can undress here. Yeah, I got it." Before Yuri could stop him, he began ripping off his shirt. Estelle and Rita, clearly about as drunk as he was, just laughed harder.

Karol gave Judith a look. "Why did you let them drink so much?"

Judith shrugged idly. "They've been pretty stressed lately, so I thought they could use a chance to relax. They had a lot of fun."

"That's good," Yuri said. He felt guilty enough about dragging them down; they deserved a night of fun.

"Flynn, let's wait until you get to your bedroom to do that," Judith said, pulling the hem of his shirt down.

"Huh, what? Ok."

Judith grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet. "I'm going to take him upstairs and make sure he goes to bed."

After she was gone, Estelle came forward and dropped into Yuri's lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her face into his chest. "Mmmm…. Yuri, you shoulda come tonight. It was reeeeeally fun."

Yuri raised an eyebrow and patted Estelle's shoulder. "Sure sounds like it."

"I missed you," she giggled. "It's not the same without you."

Yuri ignored Karol snickering in the background. "Yeah, well… sorry. I'm glad you had fun."

"I hope you feel better soon 'cause I love you lots and I want you to be ok, ok?"

"I'll do what I can."

"I just love you  _so much_  but not like  _that_ , right? Because I love you but I don't  _love_ -love you because you're with Flynn and I don't think of you like that but you're one of my best friends and-"

"Esteeeelle." Rita leaned against the wall with her arms crossed. "Leave Yuri 'lone, he's tired too, prob'ly."

"But - but I just love him so much." She squeezed him tight, nearly strangling him.

"Yeah, but you're drunk."

Estelle looked over her shoulder and pouted. "Not as much as you."

"Nu-uh, I'm waaay soberer."

Karol covered his mouth to suppress laughter while Yuri tried to pry Estelle off his neck so he could breathe. "I think you guys are equally drunk," Karol said.

Answering as one, Rita and Estelle protested, "Am not!"

Judith returned before they could argue over who was drunker. "Ok, I think it's time to get you two back to the castle. Are you coming with me, Karol?"

Karol looked to Yuri. "I could stay if you want."

Yuri waved his hand. "No, go on, get the girls home. I'm just going to bed now anyway."

"Ok. I had a lot of fun tonight, Yuri! I hope we can do this again."

Yuri forced a smile, the muscles straining from disuse. "Yeah. Me too." He was amazed to discover he really meant it. Maybe he could find time to hang out with Karol at least once more before he killed himself….

The house seemed quiet in their wake, and Yuri rolled himself to his room without bothering to clean up the board game. In his room, he climbed into bed, changed into a sleeping shirt (he couldn't be assed to put pants on) and tried to fall asleep. It took awhile for sleep to come to him, because he had a lot to think about after today.

* * *

All things considered, Flynn had had worse hangovers. Judith helpfully insisted they all drink a lot of water before leaving the bar last night, so even though his memories of the walk home were like a blurry highlight reel, he had only a mild headache. He rubbed his eyes and took a moment to build up the motivation to get out of bed. Why the hell had he let Judith take them out on a night he had work the next day? He yawned and rolled out of bed. No use feeling sorry for himself now.

He got dressed and ran a comb through his hair in a haze, and then stumbled down to the kitchen. He hardly felt like cooking breakfast now, and opened the icebox in the hopes of finding something already cooked. To his surprise, he found a plate of chicken wings. Where…? Karol, probably. Barbecue chicken wings weren't exactly a balanced breakfast, but at the moment he didn't give a rat's ass about balance and popped them in the oven to reheat.

While they heated up, he poured two glasses of orange juice, just in case. Vaguely he wondered when he'd stop hoping to entice Yuri out of his room for breakfast, but he stubbornly insisted he would keep doing it as long as Yuri lived in his house.

 _Which might not be too much longer if he doesn't start improving soon_.

Grief knocked him off his feet, and he sank into a chair to bury his face in his hands. Last night has been so nice, but now he just felt guilty. For a few hours, he'd actually forgotten about Yuri. What right did he have to have fun and party with Estelle, Rita, and Judith when Yuri was stuck at home, crippled because of him? After he'd had a couple of beers in him, he hadn't thought about Yuri once until they got home. How could he let loose like that when Yuri was in very real danger of killing himself?

"Those wings are gonna burn if you leave them in much longer."

Flynn jumped at the voice and shot his head up to see Yuri sitting in the doorway. "Yuri…?"

Yuri checked over his shoulder. "There's not a ghost behind me, is there?"

Flynn blinked a few more times to make sure this was real and not another daydream. "No. I just - do you want breakfast?"

"Not if it overcooks. I'd get it myself but opening the oven is tricky."

"Right." Flynn hurried to the oven, a huge grin sliding across his face once his back was turned. Whatever Karol and Judith had done with Yuri yesterday, he owed them a huge thank you. Yuri was really here, in his kitchen, joining him for breakfast! Could these terrifying weeks of depression finally be coming to a close?

He carried a plate of only-slightly-charred chicken wings to the table and presented it to Yuri. "It really is so good to see you out of bed."

Yuri grabbed a chicken wing. "I moved about twenty feet. Let's not celebrate too much, ok?"

"But it's an important first step."

Yuri paused, and then met Flynn's eyes with a humourless smirk. "I haven't I've taken any kind of step in two months."

Flynn winced. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have phrased-."

"It's fine."

They ate silently for about a minute, but Flynn couldn't keep himself from asking, "Yuri, does this mean that you don't still…? I mean, are you feeling better now? Do you still want to…?"

Yuri lowered a bone. "Kick my own bucket?"

Flynn grimaced at the wording but slowly nodded. "Yes. That." He watched Yuri carefully, desperate to see his old friend behind those eyes once again. What he saw instead was a far cry from the easy-going spirit of before, but at the very least there was  _something_  there, rather than dull hopelessness.

"It's kind of weird," Yuri said slowly, clearly working out his thoughts even as he said them. "When I woke up this morning, I thought… 'maybe if I drag myself out of bed today I'll be sort of happy like I was yesterday'. Even then, it's not like I was happy all day. It was more like… I don't know, like I saw the potential for happy to exist?" Yuri drummed on his plate with the chicken bone, resting his chin in his other hand. "For a while, I've felt like there was no possibility of ever being happy again. But now, I feel like it's just out of reach. Like I can see it, but it's just over my head." He smirked grimly. "Like it's something I'd have to be able to stand up to reach."

Flynn nodded, his hope dropping somewhat. It wasn't the exuberant recovery he'd been hoping for, but he supposed it would be unrealistic to hope Yuri would snap back to his old self from one enjoyable outing. "I think I understand."

"If anything, I actually feel  _worse_  now." He wrinkled his nose in displeasure. "Before, I had mostly made peace with the fact that I was condemned misery for the rest of my life and that said life would be short because I was gonna kill myself soon. Now I'm just frustrated because I  _still_  feel like a piece of shit, and the thought of killing myself still sounds pretty damn tantalizing, but I don't  _want_  to feel like this." He finally let the chicken bone drop and met Flynn's eyes with an honesty Flynn was unaccustomed to seeing in him. "Flynn… I wish I was dead. The only thing that's changed is that now I don't want to feel like this." Yuri closed his eyes and shook his head. "Sorry, that sounds pretty dumb, doesn't it? 'I don't _want_ to want to kill myself, but I do'?"

Flynn found himself reaching for Yuri's hand on the table. "No, that makes perfect sense to me. It isn't dumb, Yuri. Isn't that what they say about alcoholism? The first thing to do is recognizing you have a problem?" He squeezed Yuri's hand, comforting himself as much as Yuri. It leadened his heart to hear that Yuri still wanted to kill himself, but he forced himself to focus on the positive. "I may not be an expert, but I think wanting to get better is an important…" He almost said 'step'. He was ninety percent sure Yuri was joking about actually being offended by references to walking, but the situation was too fragile to take any chances. "Milestone."

"I hope so because letting myself not be content with being miserable feels a lot shittier than accepting it, so this had better be worth it."

"It will be!" Flynn insisted. "You'll get through this, I just know you will, and I'll back you up the entire way."

Yuri managed the faintest of smiles, but what he actually said was, "You'd better get moving or you'll be late for work."

Flynn glanced at the clock. "Ah, crap! You can finish my chicken." He jumped to his feet and ran to the door. He'd lingered in bed and then at breakfast far too long this morning. "I'm sorry, Yuri, I have to get going."

Yuri waited in the kitchen doorway. "Yeah, I understand. I don't want to hold you up."

"Lady Estellise will be here soon." Yuri might be getting better, but as long as he was still considering suicide, Flynn wasn't about to leave him alone.

Just as he was about to dash out the door, Flynn took an extra minute to dart back to the doorway and embraced Yuri. He planted a kiss on his mouth and pulled back with a smile. "I'm so glad you're feeling better, even if only a little bit."

Yuri seemed slightly taken aback by the sudden display of affection, but hugged him back anyway. "Yeah, well at least one of us is happy, huh?"

"I'm sorry I have to go. I'll see you this afternoon!" He ran out the door, still smiling. It wasn't lost on him that Yuri was still miserable and that he was still at risk of suicide. But, he supposed Flynn was in a similar position to Yuri. For so long, the mere possibility of Yuri being himself again had seemed impossible, but now he had a glimmer of hope. It might be small, but it was powerful enough to give wings to his feet and snuff out the faintest hint of a hangover.


	18. Piece of Cake

After Flynn was gone, Yuri made his way to the front of the house. He parked in front of the window for a bit, watching people walk by on their way to work. It hadn't snowed in a while, so the gutters were filled with muddy slush. Part of him want to go outside just to smell fresh air, but there were still patches of deep snow he would need to navigate. Stepping over them was simple, pushing himself through when he was out of shape from lying around for so long was another story. Besides, he still didn't feel up to facing anyone. People always stared whenever he went out in public and it had taken a significant amount of effort just to get out of bed this morning. He didn't have any to spare on dealing with obnoxious questions.

Bored of the view of the grey street, Yuri slowly rolled back toward the kitchen. Moving on carpet was such a pain, and even though he wiped down the wheels when he came in, he still left traces of dirt on Flynn's carpet. It was one thing to need a chair to cross great distances or go for long walks, but he wished he could at least laze around the house without needing this bulky contraption.

In the old days, he would have thrown himself on the couch and kicked back until Estelle came to hang out, but now…. Well, the coffee table was in front of the couch so it would be hard to get right up against it, and he didn't have his transfer board with him so he'd have to either practice transferring without or go back to his bedroom to get it. Practising when he was home alone was dangerous, though, because there was a good chance he'd fall on his ass and then not be able to get off the floor until someone came home. Even if, by some chance, he managed to get on the couch, he'd still have to manually pull his legs into position and it would just be such a hassle that by the time he managed to get comfortable, Estelle would be here.

Better to stay in the chair. He couldn't risk getting back in bed to wait because once he got back in bed, he knew he wouldn't get up again. There was nothing to do here though. Flynn's house wasn't very large, and half of it was off-limits due to the insurmountable barrier that was the staircase. He was stuck inside with a living room, a bedroom, and a kitchen. He'd been so stupid to think coming here would be better than the hospital; at least there he'd had other patients to talk to. Bored, bored, bored! If he wasn't a stupid useless cripple he could leave the house, but no, he was stuck inside like a helpless -

Yuri stopped in the hallway and pressed his face into his hands. "Shit. I'm not feeling like that anymore. I'm going to be happy, dammit!" It was sitting here and doing nothing that was the problem. With nothing to occupy himself with, he had nothing to do but think about how miserable he was. Ahead, his eyes landed on the kitchen. That was something!

Determined, he pushed himself into the kitchen. He'd cooked last night with Karol, hadn't he? Sure, Karol had done the difficult things, but that was just a step. He could handle it today. Repede sat in the doorway, and Yuri looked back at him with a grin. "What are you in the mood for, Repede? Cupcakes? I could do cupcakes."

Repede barked his encouragement and then sat down to watch. Yuri rolled to the cupboard and scanned the shelves. Ignoring his aching muscles, he pulled out ingredients one at a time. Without Karol here to help, he had to balance the tin of cocoa power and sack of sugar on his lap and hope they didn't fall while moving to the counter. He had to make several trips like this, but managed to get everything out of the pantry. He looked back at Repede, who watched him with a bored expression. "See? Told you I could do it. Who's useless now, huh?"

He'd pulled everything out and now all he needed was a bowl. He scanned the kitchen, trying to remember where Flynn kept his bowls. His heart sank as his eyes rose and landed on the cupboards above the counter. A memory of a stack of ceramic bowls in the cupboard near the stove crept into his mind, and he slammed his fist against his armrest in frustration. "Fuck!" There was no way he could reach those. Even pressing himself against the side of the counter and straining his arm as far as he could go, he could barely scrape the bottom edge of the cupboard. Ingredients waited on the counter, but if he couldn't reach any container to mix them in, they weren't going to do him any good.

A stream of swear words filled the kitchen, and then he fell forward and banged his forehead on the counter. The edge dug into his skin as he took deep breaths, struggling to deal with the wave of fury and despair. A fucking cupboard was going to be his undoing. Stupid, stupid bowl. Stupid self, actually, for thinking he could do this on his own. He might as well just go back to bed because there was nothing he could do until Estelle came. Useless cripple who couldn't do anything without help.

Repede growled, and Yuri looked down to see him standing next to him, food bowl in his mouth.

"What's wrong? Didn't Flynn feed you?"

Repede growled again and pressed the bowl against Yuri's knee. Understanding lit up his brain. "Use your bowl? Well… I guess a bowl is a bowl, right?"

Yuri squeezed the bowl, clinging to the chilly metal like a life preserver in his sea of despair. He could mix the batter. It wasn't a conventional baking apparatus, but it would get the job done. _I'm not going to be helpless! I'm trying to be happy, remember?!_

"Thanks, Repede." He forced a smile on his face rolled to the sink to wash the bowl. Being happy took concerted effort and he didn't think he was actually fooling anybody - least of all himself - but it was the only thing he had.

When the bowl was shiny and clean, he carried it back to the ingredients and got to work. Usually, Yuri let his mind drift when he baked. It didn't take much concentration to crack eggs and stir flour, so it was a chance to think about things while keeping his hands occupied. Now, he stared at the batter as it took shape, afraid to let his mind go anywhere else. He focused on beating out every last lump rather than the fact that he had to pull the bowl onto his lap because he couldn't reach it properly on the counter. Focusing on getting all the whites out of the egg took his mind off how awkward it was to crack with a missing finger. Pouring batter into the cupcake pan took utmost concentration to not spill, because if he didn't concentrate on that he'd have braincells to spare on how much his back and legs hurt. And when he reached into the drawer to pull out a spatula… he stared at the spatula, reciting, _Just need a spatula. Need it to make tasty cupcakes. They're going to taste so good and this is so great. Good day. I am happy, dammit!_ He forced his eyes away from the shiny steak knives in the same drawer, heart rate accelerating as he considered how sharp they were and how easily they could cut through skin and muscle.

_I could be dead in ten painless minutes if I wanted to…._

Repede barked and leapt at him, pushing him away from the drawer. He jumped up and pushed it closed with his nose, and then rested his head in Yuri's lap with a growl and twitching tail.

Yuri nearly dropped the spatula in surprise, and then stared at Repede's head. "Sorry," he muttered, stroking behind his ears. "And… thanks." Why had he even thought that? He wanted to be happy. Well… no, he supposed it was pretty clear he still wanted to be dead. The problem was that he didn't want to want to be dead, and it seemed pretty dumb that he couldn't stop wanting a thing that would be bad for everybody.

As he scraped the last of the batter into the tin with the spatula, he didn't let himself imagine what he might have done if Repede wasn't here to knock him to his senses. From there, he balanced the entire tray on his lap and went to the oven. Karol had taken care of putting things in and out of the oven yesterday, but after all this work, he knew he could manage. Approaching it from the side, he pried the door open. He leaned forward, one hand on the pan and the other holding his armrest, just in case he lost his balance. Leaning over a hot oven was probably the worst possible time to fall forward. The heat radiated, prickling his cheeks. It stung his hand as he reached into the oven, and then his grip on the armrest tightened.

Hot. All his fingers stung but the scarred stump of his index finger throbbed as his heart skipped a beat. His breath came faster and the batter jiggled as his hands shook. For a moment, he could have sworn he smelled the acrid reek of cigar smoke.

The pan hit the rack with a clang and he whipped his hand out of the oven. He slammed the door more fiercely than needed and then turned around, massaging his aching stump. The faded circular scars that peppered his torso prickled and he rolled away from the oven. Stupid. Carter was in prison. That was in the past. He was fine. He rolled to the middle of the kitchen with a scowl. Everything that had happened with Carter had been over two months ago, but he still couldn't put it behind him.

The cupcakes were in the oven, which left him once again with nothing to do. Yuri rolled forward. Then he rolled back. Then he spun in a circle just to see how fast he could do it. He yanked the wheels and leaned back to pop a wheelie, and then threw himself forward when gravity began to shift and he narrowly avoided tipping backward. Repede gave him an amused look and then went back to his nap.

"What's that look about? I'm bored!" He could go read a book. Estelle had certainly left him with enough of them. But, he'd have to go into his room to get one and he worried that getting too close to his bed would kill the resolve to not spend the day in it. When he was first told his spine was irreparably damaged and that he'd be paralyzed for the rest of his life, it certainly hadn't occurred to him that one of the most frustrating parts would simply be boredom. There was nothing to do when you were disabled. He just wanted to go for a walk or climb a tree or throw a rock at a knight and then climb a tree in order to hide.

With nothing better to do than practice wheelies in the middle of the kitchen, he carefully leaned back again. Repede gave him a look saying that if this went disastrously wrong, he was on his own. Yuri stuck his tongue out at him as he successfully balanced on his back wheels, the front ones about half a foot from the ground. He wobbled, but if he concentrated…

The front door slammed open. Yuri jumped at the sudden noise, head whipping around. The sudden movement threw off his balance and he toppled backward. His legs flew over his head and landed awkwardly to the side as the wheels spun in slow circles.

Running footsteps reached the kitchen, and then Estelle cried, "Yuri! Oh my goodness, are you ok?"

Yuri peered around his leg. "Oh, hey, Estelle." He squirmed away from the chair, but didn't make much progress. "Uh… I could use some help."

"Of course!" She wrapped an arm under his back and helped pull him away from the chair. "What in the world happened?"

"I was leaning back to practice balancing and then you startled me."

"Oh, no! I'm so sorry." Estelle righted the chair, stood, and then held out her arms. Yuri would have loved to be able to get off the floor by himself, but… he just wasn't there yet, infuriating as it was. He grabbed her arms and used her as a brace to pull himself up, ignoring how she pulled as well and did half the work of lifting.

"Thanks," he said once he was back in his chair.

"I'm so sorry I was late. I had a little too much to drink last night and overslept. Are you baking something?" Her eyes drifted to the oven and the batter-covered dog dish on the counter.

"Yeah. Cupcakes." He rolled to the counter and grabbed Repede's dish. "I couldn't reach any of Flynn's bowls. I need to clean this out so I can mix the frosting."

"Don't worry about it! I'll get a bowl for you." She rushed to the cupboard, stood on tip-toes, and pulled a ceramic bowl down to the counter. "Do you need anything else?"

"Nah, I got the ingredients. Thanks."

"I'll wash Repede's bowl while you make the frosting, ok?"

"Sure."

Frosting was easy to make, even if he wasn't used to holding the bowl in his lap to make stirring easier. By the time he finished, it was time to take the cupcakes out of the oven.

"I can get that for you!" Estelle rushed forward.

"I got it." He pulled up beside the oven and pried the door open. "I got them in, didn't I?"

"Ok… if you're sure."

He wasn't sure. Even ignoring the precarious position of reaching around the side to try to pull the tray out, the heat stirred up memories he'd rather forget. Even through the rag he grabbed the pan with, he could feel the heated metal against his fingers. For a moment he stiffened, and a phantom heat seared against the stump of his finger. Clenching his teeth, he yanked the pan out the rest of the way and it clattered on top of the oven.

"Are you ok?" Estelle asked softly as he slammed the door.

Yuri let out a long breath, rubbing his hands together. "I'm fine."

Estelle gave him an unhappy look. "Yuri, we talked about this. If something is bothering you-"

"Alright, alright, you don't have to lecture me again." He pushed himself away from the hot oven and stirred the frosting again, just to give himself something to do. "I thought I was over Carter, but I guess I'm not."

"Is it… because you were burned?"

Yuri stared glumly at the white frosting. "Yeah."

Estelle rested her hand on his shoulder. "This is the first time you've been around heat like that since Flynn rescued you. I think it's just something you have to get used to again."

"I think so, too. Sucks while it lasts, though."

Forcing a cheery smile, Estelle hovered near the pan. "So, can we frost these yet?"

"No, we have to wait for them to cool, or they'll melt the frosting."

"Oh, ok." She sat at the kitchen table, waiting patiently.

When Yuri looked back, she was staring at him with a big grin. "What are you smiling at?"

She shrugged. "Just… you. I'm so happy you're feeling better."

"I'm trying, at least." He rolled toward the table. "I owe Judy and Karol a lot of thanks. And you, too, of course. After all, you do love me so much."

Pink rushed to her cheeks and she hunched her shoulders slightly. "Don't make fun of me."

"But you weren't drunk, remember? You said so yourself."

She crossed her arms. "Hmph."

"I don't think I've ever seen you drunk before, Estelle."

"It doesn't happen very often. You should come with us next time."

"Yeah, maybe." Yuri wasn't sure that was a great idea. For now, it took constant effort to remember to pretend he was happy and he had a feeling the influence of alcohol would just tear down his focus and amplify the misery underneath.

"We should put food colouring in the frosting, don't you think?"

"I don't know if Flynn has any."

"I'll check!" She jumped up and ran to the pantry, then stood on her tip-toes to search the shelves. Yuri tried to smother his envy. He really missed being able to move around so easily.

"Look, I found some!" She turned around, beaming. "All he has is red, though."

"Red's cool. Bring the bowl over, will you?"

"Uh-huh!"

He should have thought of working at the table in the first place. He was so used to doing his cooking at the counter, but preparing food was so much easier at a waist-level surface. They added the food colouring, but as he stirred it, it turned out pink. No matter how much red dye he added, the frosting stayed persistently pink. "Huh. Ok, then, pink frosting it is."

Estelle laughed. "I like it. It matches my hair!"

"I'll dedicate them to you, then."

She brought the cupcakes over with a couple of spoons, and then they got to work. They had a lot of cupcakes to frost.

* * *

"You've been in a good mood today, sir," Sodia said as Flynn tidied his desk.

"Have I?" He had been, of course, but he hadn't thought it was particularly noticeable. He stared at a pile, debating whether he needed to take it home. All his meetings had been taken care of this morning, and now he had an afternoon of paperwork to take care of from home.

"Every time I've seen you today, you've been smiling." Sodia smiled herself while saying this. "It's nice to see again."

"Haven't I smiled lately?" Even in the depths of his worry for Yuri, he was certain he'd at least forced some smiles and pleasant attitudes while at work.

Sodia shrugged and picked up the pile he'd been staring at. "Others might not have noticed." She flipped through and pulled out the pages he didn't need. "But those who know better could tell when you were faking."

Flynn hung his head. "I admit I have been in a low mood lately. I'm sorry it affected my work ethic."

"Don't worry about that, sir. You've been as efficient as ever. I'm glad you're in a better mood for your own sake. Here, you need these."

Flynn put the reduced pile in his folder with thanks.

"Is there any particular reason?"

He knew Sodia didn't particularly care about Yuri, but he couldn't dim his smile. "Yuri is starting to feel better."

To his surprise, Sodia smiled as well. "That's good to hear."

"Do you care?" Realizing that sounded rather rude, he quickly added, "I'm sorry, I was merely surprised. I was under the impression you and Yuri didn't get along."

"I won't say I have any particular attachment to him, but if his recovery makes you happy, then as your friend I am happy that you are happy."

"Thank you, Sodia. I know I haven't been the best companion these past couple of months. Thank you for sticking with me."

"Of course, sir. But, if it's not too presumptuous of me to say, I think you might have been overly hard on yourself."

Flynn gathered the last of the forms he was bringing home and stepped around the desk. "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean that you've been acting as if Yuri's hardship is your personal responsibility. Sir, you know I respect you greatly but you do have a habit of taking on as many projects as you can and feeling personally responsible for anything the Knights do. I hate watching you beat yourself up because you blame yourself for not catching Carter. You did everything you could and I'm certain Yuri knows that."

Flynn stiffened, hands clenching around paper. Sodia didn't know the truth, obviously. He hadn't been able to bring himself to tell anybody. The only other person who knew just how much he'd screwed up was the doctor, and the thought of telling any of Yuri's friends - let alone Yuri himself - made his throat tighten and hands tremble. The secret was eating him up inside, though, and being able to share it with someone might ease the load. Hiding all this guilt made him weary, and he hung his head. "Sodia… I'm going to tell you something." He glanced at his clock; the minute hand ticked past noon. "I'm on my lunch hour now, so this is completely off any record and when I say this must remain a secret, I'm asking it as a friend, rather than ordering you to silence."

Sodia nodded slowly, concern wiping away her previous smile "Is something wrong, sir?"

Flynn rested the stack of papers on the desk, staring at them. "I am at fault for what happened to Yuri."

"No, you aren't, sir! Even if you feel-"

She stopped when he held up his hand. "No, Sodia, there's something you don't know. I spoke with Yuri's doctor. When Carter stabbed him… that isn't what severed his spinal cord. It damaged it, yes, but he would have still been able to walk. He wasn't paralyzed until I stupidly picked him up and carried him. I broke Yuri's back." Saying it out loud was both a relief and a terror. He managed to look at Sodia, who looked more sad than judgemental.

"You didn't know that would happen when you did that," she said softly.

"I should have. That's the first thing they teach you in first aid, isn't it? Never, ever, move someone with a back injury. I ignored that rule and now Yuri is crippled for life, and it's all my fault."

"Nobody could blame you, sir. You were injured yourself and not thinking clearly. It isn't as if a stab wound is commonly thought of as a back injury the way a fall might be."

"That isn't an excuse. I didn't consider the effects of my actions and as a result, Yuri was paralyzed. I may not have been purposefully trying to harm him, but the fact is I did."

"Does Yuri blame you?"

Flynn winced. "I haven't told him."

"Ah. Do you plan to?"

Flynn sighed. "I don't know. I should. I think he deserves to know, but telling him the truth…"

Sodia nodded slowly. "I understand, sir. Telling someone the truth, especially if it's someone you love and you know it would hurt them, can be very difficult."

"Every time I consider bringing it up, I think it's not the right time."

"Sir, in my personal opinion, if you wait for the exact perfect occasion to bring up a painful truth, it will never come."

There was a curious grimace to her face that Flynn didn't fully understand. He wondered if she also carried a secret she was afraid of telling someone, but it would be rude to pry. "I suppose you're right. Are you going to tell me to tell him?"

"No. You'll do it when you feel you can. I would recommend doing it soon, though. The longer you wait, the more you'll worry about angering the person for holding it back for so long."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"You should get going. If Yuri is feeling better, he's probably looking forward to you getting home."

Flynn's smile returned with the thought of Yuri out of bed. "Yes, I hope so. And, Sodia… thanks."

"It's nothing, sir. You can count on me to keep this to myself. I'll let you tell your friends when you feel ready."

Flynn left the castle feeling slightly better about himself. At the very least, he didn't have to fear that every person he cared about would turn on him if they knew the truth, because Sodia at least still trusted him. Of course, she was biased in his favour to begin with, but it was a start. The further he got from the castle, the less he worried about telling the others and the more he thought about how great it was that Yuri wasn't sulking in bed all day. By the time he made it home, his grin had returned and he walked inside with a slight skip in his step.

Hearing voices in the kitchen, he walked to the back of the house. "Good afternoon."

"Hi, Flynn!" Estelle waved a spoon at him. "Did you have a good day?"

"Well enough." The table was covered in cupcakes, and Yuri sat with a bowl in his lap, licking his fingers. From the traces of pink around the edge, Flynn guessed it had once contained frosting, but there was hardly a trace left inside. "Yuri, did you lick the bowl?"

"No, I licked the spoon which was in the bowl."

"You know that's just concentrated sugar, right?"

"Yeah, that's the point."

The desire to tell Yuri off for eating pure sugar was fought down by the happiness of seeing Yuri sitting in the kitchen with pink smeared around his lips. He just shook his head. "Whatever makes you happy."

"Here, Flynn, have a cupcake." Estelle handed one to him. It possibly had more frosting than cake.

"Thank you, Lady Estellise. Did you make them?"

She shook her head. "Nope, Yuri did! They were already in the oven when I got here."

Flynn looked to Yuri in surprise. "You did this on your own?"

Yuri frowned. "What, you think I can't mix some batter?"

"No! Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I was just surprised you took the initiative, since you've been so tired lately."

Yuri shrugged. "Yeah, well, I figured I might as well do something."

There really was too much frosting on this cupcake. Flynn could feel cavities sinking into his teeth with every bite. "Did you have any trouble?"

Yuri set the empty bowl on the table. "Yeah, I had to use Repede's bowl because all yours are out of reach."

Flynn grimaced. "Oh, dear. I'm sorry about that. It didn't occur to me that you'd need them."

"It's fine. It's your kitchen, after all."

It made sense that Yuri would want to cook. It was something he'd always enjoyed, and something he could do without leaving the house. "I can move things around. I hardly ever cook myself anyway." He finished the cupcakes, licked excess frosting from his fingers, and walked to the cupboard. "You need bowls, plates, and such within reach, right?"

"Flynn, don't worry about it. I don't want you to make your kitchen disorderly."

He pulled the bowls down and set them against the back of the counter. Leaving things lying around on counters when there were cupboards to hold them was one of his greatest peeves and usually something he would yell at Yuri about, but making things accessible for Yuri was more important than tidiness. He turned around with a smile. "You should cook more often. You always say you don't want to eat my cooking, so why don't you do it?"

"Cook dinner, you mean?"

"Sure. Only if you want to, of course. It would be very helpful to me if you took care of meals." Meals weren't something he usually put too much attention to, because he tended to eat fast or get food from restaurants. He didn't have much time to cook after work, but Estelle and Sodia were always saying he should eat better. If Yuri prepared meals, it would get them off his back about not eating right and give Yuri something to do that let him feel useful.

Yuri smiled. "Yeah… I think I'd like that."

"Good. Then come over here and show me what things you'll need and I'll move them lower."

Yuri sat beside him and pointed out which bowls and plates he might need, and then instructed him on rearranging the pantry. By the time they were done, the kitchen was a mess with hardly any counter space. Yuri said this was fine, because he'd use the table as a work area anyway. Spices had been pulled down from top shelves and pans pulled up from bottom cupboards, and it all sat on the crowded counters within arm's reach. Flynn hadn't let his house get this messy since he bought it, but if it would help Yuri, he could deal. After what he'd done to put Yuri in this position, the least he could do was make his house accessible.

Flynn took a long lunch. After the kitchen was rearranged, Yuri offered to cook grilled cheese sandwiches. By Yuri's insistence, Flynn and Estelle sat back and let him cook the entire meal. Flynn had never been so happy to watch Yuri in the kitchen, and the following meal was more lighthearted and enjoyable than any in a long while.

* * *

It had been a good day, comparatively. After lunch, Flynn went upstairs to work and Yuri played a board game with Estelle in the living room and when they were done with that, they went for a walk with Repede. Yuri cooked dinner, once again without help, and when Estelle left in the evening he had rarely been both so exhausted and so satisfied. Keeping himself busy seemed to be the secret to happiness, because as long as he was up and doing something, he didn't have any reason to sulk about not being able to do anything.

But then the day was over. Estelle was gone, Repede was asleep in the corner, and Flynn stood in the doorway saying goodnight.

"See you tomorrow," Yuri said after transferring into bed. He hadn't been out of bed this long in months, and his tired body was glad for the rest.

"Yeah. Good night."

Yuri listened to Flynn's footsteps retreating to his bedroom upstairs. The second floor of the house was a magical land he could never reach, and once Flynn was up there he might as well be across the city. Yuri sighed and made himself comfortable. It was easier now, since he had only half the body to worry about comfort for.

He sighed and closed his eyes. The pillow was soft, the room was dark and quiet, he had his dog in the corner and had spent the day with two of his favourite people. He had every reason to be happy, and during the day when he'd been with them, he had been. But now he was here, with nothing but his own thoughts to distract him, and he didn't like those thoughts.

He'd been content today, but he was still paralyzed. It didn't matter how many cupcakes he baked, he was still never going to walk again. He was still in pain and still a burden on his friends, who had to spend the day with him just to keep him from wanting to kill himself. Weak. Dependant on others. Sure, he'd cooked by himself, but only after Flynn ruined his kitchen. It must be killing him to leave everything out like that. They weren't going to want to deal with his crap every day and the more he leaned on them the faster they'd get worn out, and then he'd be back to wanting to die.

Shut up! Damn, why was it so hard to stop wanting something that nobody, himself included, wanted him to want?!

Minutes trickled by. It didn't matter how fervently he demanded himself to think happy thoughts, they wouldn't come. Tomorrow, he would get up and eat breakfast with Flynn and talk to his friends, but for now he was alone and miserable.

He rolled over, a complicated manoeuvre that included a lot of rocking and thrashing. At the conclusion of the roll, he grabbed his blanket and pushed it to the floor. Repede lifted his head and watched in confusion, while Yuri glared at the blanket and then shouted, "Hey, Flynn?!"

The footsteps came immediately. Flynn ran down the stairs and less than a minute later he appeared in the doorway, pushing the curtain aside. "Is everything all right?"

Yuri hesitated, feeling kind of stupid. Then he pointed at the blanket on the floor and said, "Uh… it fell. Do you think you could pick it up for me?"

The panic in Flynn's eyes died and he went back to looking tired. He rubbed his face and asked, "You called me down to pick up a blanket? Dammit, Yuri, I thought you were hurt or something."

Yuri crossed his arms. "It's hard to get things off the floor. I might fall off the bed, and then I would be hurt."

Flynn rolled his eyes and entered the room. "Fine. Don't scare me like this, though." He grabbed the blanket and draped it over Yuri. "Do you need anything else?"

"Yeah." Yuri grabbed Flynn's wrist. "It's kind of cold down here."

"Is it? I'm sorry. I can get you another-"

"I think I have an easier solution." He yanked Flynn onto the bed and then wiggled against the wall to make room.

"Hey, what?" He started to get up, but Yuri wrapped his arms around him and pulled Flynn against his chest. Understanding Yuri's purpose, Flynn stopped fighting and slid under the blanket himself.

"Sorry I've been hard to live with," Yuri murmured into his ear.

Flynn reached up and held the arms embracing him. "You have nothing to apologize for."

The bed really wasn't big enough for two, but they'd slept on smaller. Besides, it wasn't like kicking each other was something Yuri worried about. "Stay here tonight?"

Flynn snuggled close against him. "Of course."


	19. Flying

Yuri hoped that after forcing himself out of bed every morning, it would eventually become easier. It did not. A week later, he still had to drag himself into his chair while fighting down a nearly-overwhelming urge to pull the blanket over his head and hide from the world. Maybe smother himself with a pillow, too. He groaned and rubbed his eyes. Thoughts like that were the reason he was forcing himself out of bed. After forcing himself to go to the bathroom - he was never going to get used to this catheter shit - he headed to the kitchen. Flynn was already halfway through a bowl of cereal, and another bowl awaited Yuri.

"Good morning." Flynn looked up from the newspaper with a smile. "Sleep well?"

Yuri shrugged. "Well enough." He hadn't had any dreams that he could remember, but that was better than nightmares. Soon, Flynn was going to head to work. Estelle would arrive shortly after, and the two of them would spend the day together. Maybe they'd cook something, or talk about politics, or go for a walk around the block. Whatever it was going to be, Yuri was sure he'd done it a few days ago. There were only so many things he could do while going back and forth from the kitchen to his bedroom to the living room. Estelle must be bored silly, too. In the old days, at least she'd been able to read a book while he napped, but now he was up and needed constant interaction to keep from slipping into despair again.

"Would you mind if I went to the castle with you today?"

Flynn lowered his spoon. "You want to go to the castle?"

"Is that ok?"

"I'm just surprised, since you don't usually like the castle."

"I just want to get out of the house. You don't mind, do you?" He wouldn't blame Flynn for not wanting him there. The castle and his job was Flynn's escape from Yuri's medical drama, and having Yuri hanging around being depressing would just distract him.

"Of course I don't mind. I'd be happy to take you with me." His smile convinced Yuri he really did mean it, at least for now. "Lady Estellise is probably already on her way over, but we'll run into her on the way and she can head back with us."

Yuri finished breakfast in better spirits than he had lately. It was nice to have something to look forward to, even something as simple as a trip to the castle. Other than his trip to the lower quarter, he had barely left Flynn's house for weeks. After breakfast, Yuri struggled into clothing with more care than usual. That wasn't saying much, since unless Estelle was in the house he usually didn't even bother with pants. He met Flynn at the front door and propped his feet up on the stairs to tie his shoes without bending all the way over (and probably falling). Flynn watched, clearly fighting back the urge to offer help.

"Anything you need to bring?" Flynn asked.

"Just my smiling self," Yuri said, and then reached for the door. He was getting better at this, and skilfully wheeled backward at an angle as he pulled open. He rolled down the ramp and then followed Flynn toward the castle. The melting snow made manoeuvring through the streets much easier than it used to be, although bumpy cobbles remained the scourge of mankind.

Flynn was quiet as they walked, his brows knit in concentration. Obviously he had work on his mind, and in his concentration he thoughtlessly quickened his pace. Yuri pushed a little harder, not keen on lagging behind. Damn, it took a lot of effort to keep up with Flynn. Arms just weren't as powerful as legs, and wheels jammed on so many more things than feet. He didn't want to straight-out ask Flynn to slow down, either, because that would make him feel pathetic. Familiar self-loathing reared its ugly head, threatening to burn down the good mood he'd precariously built this morning. Before he could finish thinking 'but you _are_ pathetic' he forced a cocky smile and said, "I like it when you walk in front of me like that, Flynn. With where my eye-level is now, it gives me a great view of your ass."

Flynn stopped short and then turned around with flushed cheeks, although maybe that was an effect of the cold morning. "Do you have to say things like that in public?"

Yuri looked around the deserted street and raised his eyebrows.

"You know what I mean."

"What, embarrassed?" Embarrassed by being seen with Yuri Lowell, or embarrassed to be seen with a cripple in a wheelchair?

"No! There's a time and a place for these things. Come on, let's just get to the castle."

Yuri nodded and Flynn took care to match his pace to Yuri's. When they were almost at the castle, Yuri spotted Estelle walking toward them. She waved when she spotted them and then ran forward.

"Yuri! Hello! I didn't expect to see you here!"

"Hey. Sorry you already came out, but I'm going to the castle today."

"That's wonderful! Why?"

He shrugged. "Just felt like a change of scenery."

"That's great!" Estelle kept smiling all the way back to the castle.

When they arrived, Yuri stopped at the foot of the stairs and stared up at the distant door in frustration. He had forgotten about these stairs. "Damn."

Flynn's face tightened as he looked between Yuri and the steps. "I'll carry you."

Just what he needed, someone to carry him into the castle.

"Uh, excuse me," one of the knights on guard said. "If you go around to the back, there's an entrance by the kitchens with a ramp… it's intended for carts and things."

"Oh, perfect!" Estelle said. "Thank you very much."

"You guys go ahead," Yuri said, gesturing to the stairs. "I'll meet you inside."

"Nonsense." Flynn turned away from the main entrance to follow the road to the side. "We're going in together."

"Sorry for the trouble," he muttered, slumping even more as Estelle kicked aside a snow drift his front wheels had gotten jammed in.

"It's no trouble." Flynn led the way around the castle. "I am fortunate enough to have two good legs. It would be ungrateful of me to complain about having to use them."

He really did mean it. No matter how much trouble Yuri caused him, Flynn honestly never resented it. There was a reason Yuri had fallen in love with that idiot, and this was part of it. The only person upset at having to walk all the way around to the back was Yuri, who had never considered himself someone who cared about class or appearances but couldn't help feeling disgruntled at being forced to enter through the door for kitchen deliveries. At least it had a ramp, which were quickly becoming some of Yuri's favourite things.

All his irritation faded when they entered the castle proper and he took his first roll across the slick marble floors. His eyes widened and he experimentally pushed, holding up his hands to see just how far he could glide. It was like flying. The floors were so smooth he couldn't even feel the vibrations of the wheels rolling. When he finally rolled to a stop, he turned around to see Flynn and Estelle standing at the end of the hall, watching.

"What're you looking at?"

Estelle couldn't hide her smile. "You look so happy."

"These floors are pretty great!" He never thought he'd get so excited about a floor, but then he gave his wheels a big push and flew back toward his friends and felt his heart race with excitement for the first time in months.

"I'm sorry, I don't have time to stick around," Flynn said. "I need to get to work. Come by my office around lunch, ok?"

"Ok!" Estelle chirped. "See you then."

Flynn left, and then Yuri looked up at Estelle. "Where's the longest, straightest hall in the castle?"

"I know just the one! Follow me!"

Even though Estelle walked briskly, Yuri had an easier time keeping up with her than he had outside. The slick floors meant he went farther with every push, and he didn't wear himself out as easily. His joy at the simple pleasure of smooth floors almost made up for the frustration of every knight, servant, or Council member they passed pausing to stare at him like they expected him to do a trick.

"Here," Estelle announced after leading him to a long corridor on the first floor, lined with pillars and leading at least fifty yards straight to a double-door at the end.

"This is perfect," Yuri breathed. He reached for his wheels, but then had another thought. "Estelle, would you mind giving me a push? And a running start?"

"Sure!" She grabbed the back of his chair and wheeled him back as far as she could go to the back wall, and then ran forward as fast as she could. After about ten feet, she gave the chair one final shove and let go, sending Yuri rocketing down the hall.

Wind whipped his face as his short hair fluttered behind his head. His heart raced and a buzz ran through his chest. A laugh broke out as he whizzed down the hall, and when he closed his eyes he felt like he was on Ba'ul's back, flying through the sky. This was incredible. It was a kind of pure, adrenaline-fuelled fun that he hadn't expected to ever experience again.

The flight ended abruptly when he crashed into the door. He still had his eyes closed so he didn't see it coming, and then suddenly he jolted, the word flipped upside down, he heard a crash and the next thing he knew, he was on the ground.

"Yuri!" Estelle dashed down the hall. "Are you ok?!"

Head spinning, he stared at the ceiling. His chair had tipped over and thrown him to the ground, and his elbow hurt rather a lot. Other than that, he wasn't too bad. When Estelle arrived, he said, "Estelle, help, I… I can't feel my legs!"

For a split second, panic gripped her face. Then she smacked his shoulder and pulled him away from the toppled chair and against the wall. "Don't say things like that."

Laughter spilled out of him. The thrill of flying kept a buzz of excitement flowing through him even though he was now motionless, and he couldn't wait to get up and try again. He hadn't had fun in so long, and now he just wanted to do it over and over again to keep this buzz going. "Heh, sorry. Seriously, though, I'm fine." All he had were a few bruises and some familiar aches that never went away.

Estelle's upset was replaced by a small smile as she watched him laugh. After he finally quit, she said, "What about your legs? They smashed right into the door."

"Oh, right." He looked down at himself as he leaned against the wall. "I guess it doesn't help to say they don't hurt."

"Let me check." Before he could stop her, she pulled off his shoes and rolled his pants up to his knees. "Hm… they look ok, but you smashed them pretty hard so they'll probably bruise."

"Oh, no, that'll really hurt."

"I'll cast First Aid just in case."

"If it'll make you feel better."

After she worked her magic, his throbbing elbow vanished and even the aches firmly entrenched in his spine subsided. He was about to shout for joy, but he could already feel them regaining strength. Damn.

"Get me my chair."

She pulled it over, and then reached for him to pull him up. Yuri held up his hand, though. "Wait. I want to try and do this myself." He was never going to get anywhere if he always needed help getting off the floor. If he knew he could get back up without help, he could start taking more risks and trying to get to more places, because falling over wouldn't be an insurmountable problem.

Estelle obliged, backing up to give him space. Yuri eyed the chair like an enemy encounter, planning the best strategy of attack. He pulled himself up to it and grabbed the arms, pulling as hard as he could. His muscles shook with exertion and he gritted his teeth, and he managed to get himself an inch or so off the ground. He eventually collapsed back down with a pant, though. Try as he might, he simply couldn't lift his entire body weight above his head using just his arms. It probably wasn't physically possible.

Yuri glared at the seat of the chair, a mere two feet or so off the ground but nearly impossible to reach. He could tell Estelle was desperate to help, but thankfully she remained quiet and stood back, watching him try to figure this out on his own. It had to be possible to get up by himself; he just needed to figure it out. He pulled himself next to the chair then dragged his legs up, so one leg leaned against the front of it. The other flopped to the side and he glared for a moment before tugging it back in, trying to position his feet so they'd balance each other. He wondered if he would ever get used to seeing his legs so skinny and lifeless. It was certainly still alien now. He grabbed the seat of the chair in one hand and pushed against the floor with the other, and managed to push himself several inches off the ground. For a second, he really thought he was going to make it. Then the trembling in his arms overcame him and he dropped back to the floor.

"Damn everything," he grumbled. Fuck. Why did he think this was possible? Useless. Helpless.

"You got really close that time!" Estelle clasped her hands together, desperate to keep his spirits up.

"Yeah… I guess so." He had a feeling he was on the right track, but two months of lying in a hospital bed and a few weeks of lying around Flynn' house had destroyed all his muscle tone and left him without the strength to get around. "I think I'm going to need your help."

Estelle swept in, eager to lend a hand. She gripped him under the arms and pulled him up, settling him back in the chair. "Is that ok?"

"Everything is great." He scowled as he leaned over to position his legs properly.

"Why don't you try rolling again? I won't push so hard this time."

Anything to feel that buzz of adrenaline again. "Yeah, ok."

"Hold on tight!" She shoved him back in the other direction, sending him flying once more.

As he glided down the hall, his frustration from falling washed away with the thrill of flight. It was ok that he couldn't get up by himself yet. He had the principle, just not the strength yet. He needed to keep getting stronger, until he was back to his old fitness level and then he'd be fine. He could do it. It would be great.

This time, he rolled to a stop near the end of the hall and managed not to crash again. Smiling, he turned around and pushed himself. He couldn't get himself to go as fast as Estelle could shoving from behind, so after a few seconds of excitement he stopped a few feet away from her. "You know, this is really great. You should try it."

"I wouldn't want you to have to get out of your chair again, though."

"Don't worry about it. Come here." He waved and she approached, and then he grabbed her arm and pulled her onto his lap. "Just hold on tight."

"Are you sure this is ok? I'm not crushing you, am I?"

"You're so light I can't even feel it." He double-checked that she was holding onto the arm rests, gave himself a rolling start, and then pushed as hard as he could. Once they were flying, he wrapped his arms around Estelle's waist just in case, and her hair whipped his face. Estelle laughed and let go of the arm rests, spreading her hands wide like a bird. "You're right! This is great!" When they reached the end, Yuri immediately turned around and took off again.

* * *

Flynn hadn't slept well the night before. The bed was cramped, and several times Yuri had woken up and rocked back and forth to roll to his other side. Then his legs had started spasming early this morning and kicked Flynn awake, but he didn't have the heart to wake Yuri up and get him to take his medicine. Despite this, Flynn was in a good mood. Yuri had seemed actually close to happy as he and Estelle went off this morning, and both meetings he'd had to sit through had been relatively painless and smooth. He was getting more work accomplished than average these days now that he wasn't constantly worrying about Yuri and feeling guilty for leaving him at home. All in all, the day was going great and he should have expected to see Sodia sidle in with an unhappy expression, because why would he think an entire day could go smoothly?

He sighed when she approached his desk. "Do I even want to know?"

"Are you busy, sir?"

"Nothing pressing. What is it?"

"This isn't a pressing matter, either. I thought you would want to know, though. It's about Carter."

Of course it was. He'd almost hoped that putting that bastard away in prison would finally wipe his hands of him, but apparently that was too much to ask. "What is he doing now?"

"Apparently he has some pen pals. He has a few dedicated correspondents in Zaphias. All mail in and out of the prison is screened, of course, but as long as he's not encouraging them to do something illegal, there's nothing we can do about it."

"Dare I ask who his pen pals are?"

Sodia crossed her arms and leaned on one foot. "No one notable. Trust me, we've looked into them. They're just lonely people who see something in him and want to be his friend. They send him packages of cigars."

"Clearly he hasn't learned his lesson." All he could hope for was that Carter kept smoking and hurried the deterioration of his lungs.

"The prison supplies him with apple gels to ease his cough."

"Of course we do." They had to provide their prisoners with basic medical care. That was something that made them a benevolent government and not an evil tyranny. Flynn was perfectly in favour of giving medicine to sick thieves, but helping a serial killer with a self-imposed illness just seemed like a waste of tax money. His hands were tied, though, because he hardly wanted to become known as the commandant who advocated leaving inmates for dead.

"I am concerned, though," Sodia said. "He's had several conversations about how what happened to him is an injustice and he's been framed. His correspondents are rather energetic about their insistence that he's innocent and that you and Yuri Lowell have unfairly ruined his life."

Flynn drummed his fingers on the desk. "Do any of these people have criminal records?"

"No, we looked into that. There's so solid evidence that anyone is planning anything - trust me, we'd act the moment we had reason to I just thought you'd like to know."

"I just can't believe people sympathize with him. It still baffles me."

"I know, sir. I have trouble understanding, too."

"And I imagine he's still buddies with Zagi?"

"As much as that lunatic can be said to have friends. They seem to have bonded over a shared frustration of failing to kill Yuri Lowell."

"How nice for them. Well, I suppose there isn't anything we can do about this but keep an eye on his mail and pray he does something illegal so we can put a stop to it."

* * *

Yuri lost track of how many times they flew up and down the hall. All he knew was that by the end of it, they were both in tears from laughter and that he'd never had so much fun in the castle in his life. He'd always thought the floors in here were stupidly smooth, but now he saw a purpose to the extravagant construction his tax money had supported. The only reason they stopped was because the doors at the end opened and a Councilman came out to yell about walk a racket they were making and how he'd call the Knights if they didn't quiet down. They ran away after that, still laughing. Yuri couldn't quite keep up, so he yelled for Estelle to push him and then they sprinted through the castle, careening around corners and trying not to crash into any startled servants.

They came to a stop in the indoor garden, where Estelle threw herself into the grass, overcome with giggles. Yuri stayed seated, grinning as he watched her. His heart still raced, and he wished he'd thought of coming to the castle ages ago. Even the sight of green grass was calming after the mushy snow outside. It looked so inviting, actually, that he decided it was worth making Estelle pick him up again to get down and feel it. Carefully, he leaned forward and tried to manoeuvre himself seamlessly to the grass. Then he lost his balance and fell the rest of the way, but the ground was soft so he didn't really mind.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." He used his elbows to drag himself toward her, and then rolled onto his back. Soft grass tickled his neck and he took a long, deep breath. He could stay here forever. He closed his eyes and relaxed while Estelle plucked tiny flowers from a nearby planter and absently wove them into a chain.

It was a lovely day. Yuri had had so much fun this morning he could hardly believe it. He never wanted to be anywhere but lying in the sweet grass with one of his best friends, and for a little while it didn't matter that he could only feel the grass with half his body.

The trouble was, the longer he laid there, the more that began to matter again. As the buzz from racing through the halls faded, a weight landed in his chest. The best he could say about it was that it was a familiar burden, and he had been stupid to think a little thing like an adrenaline rush could banish it for more than a short while. He could actually feel his happiness slipping away like an eel in his hands, and the harder he squeezed to keep it in, the faster it wriggled away.

Was happiness always this fleeting? Why was it so hard to just be happy? How come everyone else could do it without even trying? _What am I doing wrong? I must be fucking it up. I can't do anything any more. Useless. Helpless. I'm_ _going to need Estelle's help to get in my chair again. Putting more strain on my friends. I'm a piece of shit._

Yuri groaned and rubbed his palms against his eyes. It should not be this hard to simply stop thinking a thing that he didn't want to think in the first place!

"Yuri? Is everything ok?"

He just grunted. It really pissed him off that he couldn't stop being so miserable. He wasn't even miserable especially about his paralysis anymore - it had turned into an all-encompassing misery that would probably still hurt even if he miraculously got his legs back. He hated feeling like this, because the Yuri Lowell he'd always been was not a miserable lump of self-hatred. He barely felt like himself anymore. If the him from a year ago could see him now, he probably wouldn't recognize himself and just feel sorry for that poor bastard. If he wasn't really himself anymore, then it was like Carter had actually succeeded in killing him, and he hated to think that because he didn't want that fucker to succeed at anything. He didn't know how to start being himself again, though. It was like an elusive math problem: happiness equals love plus friends minus self-hatred divided by health plus X. Solve for X, and he'd be happy. He'd always been shitty at algebra, though.

Maybe he simply didn't have X anymore. It was some property he'd lost along with his sensation and motor control, and he was doomed to spend the rest of his life wondering how happiness worked without ever truly feeling it again.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"I don't think so." He just felt… numb. Yes, that was it. Like his ability to feel emotions was as damaged as his ability to feel his legs. He didn't really want to die anymore, but he didn't particularly want to live, either. "Sorry to bring you down."

Estelle crawled across the grass to sit beside him. "No, no, it's ok! Really, Yuri, I don't mind at all. I love you and I want to do everything I can for you. Please, tell me how you feel and maybe I can help."

He really doubted that a single conversation with Estelle could illuminate the mysteries of X and solve his problem.

"Flynn said… that…" she folded her hands in her lap and turned her eyes to the flowers. "He said you don't want to kill yourself anymore. But, is that true? Or were you just saying that to comfort him?" She met his eyes, and it pained him to see how sorrowful they were. "Please, if you don't tell me the truth, I can't help you. Don't try to cushion things for me."

Yuri heaved a sigh. "It was true, sort of. I'm not planning to kill myself, so you don't need to worry about that. What it really comes down to… I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm not really sure how to get there. In the meantime, while I don't actively wish to die, the idea doesn't sound entirely unappealing. If I happened to die, I'd be ok with that." He had to look away because Estelle clearly hurt so much. He wished he didn't have to keep hurting his friends. If anything, they were suffering throughout this more than he was, because they still had hope to lose.

Yuri expected Estelle to reply tearfully, with fluffy words of encouragement that would flit through one ear and out the next without really doing anything. It took him by surprise, then, when she gripped his hand and squeezed so tightly he wondered where she hid all that strength. "It's ok if you have to die?" she said angrily. Her voice was lower, tougher than usual. "What the hell was that? I don't want to hear that again."

He stared at her in surprise as she spat his own words back at him. "That's…"

"You're the one who told me it wasn't ok to die. Not ever." She squeezed his hand even tighter. "You've always believed that every life is important. It's what makes you different from people like Alexei or Ragou. You value everyone, even the little people, even the ones otherwise forgotten. If you were looking at yourself from the outside, you wouldn't be ok with you dying, either. It isn't ok to give up on life!"

She was right. Of course she was. He had said it himself, hadn't he? He said he didn't want to die, but if he didn't want to live, either, that just left him in a hopeless limbo. Yuri gripped Estelle's hand back. "I want to live again."

"Yes." She smiled through her teary eyes.

"I'm tired of just existing. There's a difference between not being dead, and being alive. I need to get back there, but… I'm not sure how." There was a chasm between him and being happy again, and that elusive X was the only bridge. How was he going to solve for X when he didn't even know how to start? Well… if he was working on a real math problem, he'd go to Rita and have her solve it for him, because he wasn't qualified to figure that sort of thing out. Maybe he needed to find outside help for this problem, too. It wasn't that he needed help with his emotions like a loser, he just needed to outsource his problem to an expert. It was the smart thing to do. Still, he would say it out loud to Estelle right now, so he couldn't back out of it later. "I need help."


	20. The Sign of Victory

"You know, maybe I'm being over-dramatic." Yuri gave the door an apprehensive look.

Estelle crossed her arms at him. She didn't need to say it for him to understand her reprimand.

"I was in a bad mood when I said it. I'm fine. We ought to go home."

"Knock on the door, Yuri."

He wasn't going to get out of this, so he leaned forward and knocked. _Please don't be home_. It would be a pain coming all the way out here for nothing, but he'd be all right with that. A light dusting of snow had fallen overnight, meaning the trek had been difficult and he had to get Estelle to clear a path for him a few times.

To Yuri's eternal frustration, the door swung open. "Yuri? Hello! I wasn't expecting you."

Yuri tried not to display how little he wanted to see her. He was, after all, requesting her help. "Hey, Sarah." He should have chucked the address she'd slipped him in the fire the night he got home. Then he wouldn't have been able to find it in his pants pocket and have no excuse not to contact her.

"How are you?"

Yuri shrugged. "Fine."

"He's not," Estelle chimed in, obviously fearing Yuri would find some excuse to get out of this. "But he's here because he's ready to ask you for help."

Call-Me-Sarah beamed. "I'm sorry you aren't feeling well, but seeking help is a positive sign."

"I know I showed up unannounced, so I get if you're busy. I can come back another time."

"Not at all. I have no plans this morning. Please, come in."

There was a step leading to her door. Yuri leaned back, jerked his front wheels and managed to get them up, but couldn't figure out how to get the back ones to follow. "Estelle, could you give me a lift?"

Estelle wordlessly pushed him the rest of the way up and he rolled into Sarah's house. Sarah quickly ran to the kitchen to get a cloth to wipe snow and mud from the wheels, and then she turned to Estelle. "Your Highness, I would prefer to speak to Yuri in private, but I can offer you a cup of tea and you can wait in the kitchen, if you don't mind."

Estelle smiled. "Yes, that's fine."

Sarah gestured to a study off the main hallway. "Please wait in here, Yuri. I'll be right back."

She led Estelle away, and Yuri sat in the middle of the study, searching for escape routes. He really didn't want to be here. There was a window, but he wouldn't be able to climb through it. The walls were covered in bookshelves, but he doubted any of them hid secret passages. Why was he even here? He'd felt really bad yesterday when he told Estelle he wanted to find help, but he didn't feel that awful now. Sure, he'd considered smothering himself with a pillow rather than get out of bed this morning, but that was because he knew getting out of bed would mean talking to Call-Me-Sarah.

Sarah returned and closed the study door behind her. She sat in a leather-bound chair facing him and folded her hands on her lap. "So. How are you?"

That was a loaded answer. "At the moment or in general?"

"Are they different?"

He'd rather listen to Flynn lecture about the importance of a tidy house for five hours than talk about this with a near-stranger. His fingers clenched around his armrests and he pictured how happy Flynn and Estelle had been when he told them he thought he should ask Sarah for help. If he turned back now and had to explain to Flynn that he'd changed his mind, he'd be devastated. He'd already made Flynn cry too many times. He had to be a man, suck it up, and get through this unpleasant thing for the sake of his friends. "I want to kill myself. Let's just get that out there."

Sarah hid any shock at the sudden heavy announcement. "I see. How long have you felt this way?"

"Since I left the hospital. It's gotten better, though. At first I had resigned myself to death and planned to do it as soon as I thought it wouldn't devastate my friends, but now I'm split fifty-fifty. Half of me still wants to be dead, the other half wants to go back to the way things used to be."

"That's a positive step. Is there something in particular that made you decide to come here today?"

He drummed his fingers on the armrest. "I guess it was a long time coming. Yesterday, I went to the castle with Flynn. Estelle and I rolled around on the floors and it was a lot of fun. It was the first time I've really felt alive since waking up like this, and I started thinking maybe things would be all right. But, shortly after we stopped, everything came crashing down again and I felt worse than ever. I know it's possible to feel like that now. I'd do anything to get back there."

"I'm sure it's possible. I think one of the problems is that so many things happened to you at once, so it's difficult to pinpoint the exact source of your depression. Are you still troubled by memories of your abduction?"

He'd like to answer no, because he didn't like to think he was a guy who'd still have nightmares about a person months later. This whole unpleasant conversation would be useless if he lied, though. "Well… yeah. Not as much as I used to. Usually only when something reminds me of it, like I stuck my hand in the oven the other day and it reminded me of getting burned."

"What is it like when you remember? Do you feel like you're reliving it, or blank out for a moment?"

Yuri shook his head. "No, it's not that bad. It's sort of like…" he stirred the words around in his brain, trying to find a set that didn't make him sound like a baby.  _Do it for Flynn_. "It scares me. When I was down there, well… that was scary. And sometimes if I let myself think about it too deeply, I feel scared again. I know I'm safe at home, but my chest gets tight and my hands shake. In that moment, I'm afraid it's going to happen again, as illogical as that is."

"I don't think it's illogical," Sarah said gently. "Our minds are designed to try to stay alive. When traumatic events happen, they leave a lasting impact. Your brain was forced to create a strong association between heat and extreme injury. When you remind your brain of the trauma, it overreacts and thinks you're in danger again, and creates powerful feelings of fear to try to get you to leave the situation. It's a survival instinct, and it's nothing to be ashamed of."

Yuri looked away with a scowl, not sure what to say.

"What is it about the memories that scares you so much?"

He glared at her. What a phenomenally stupid question. "Probably the getting tortured by a serial killer part."

Sarah smiled slightly. "What I mean is, what part of the situation were you most frightened by? The pain? The darkness? Fear of death?"

"I'm… not sure. All of those things were pretty awful." It didn't help that trying to analyze how he'd felt stirred up those memories again. She'd just explained that thinking too deeply about it tricked his mind into freaking out, and now he was bringing it on himself again.

"Can you describe how you felt?"

Yuri suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. They were going in painful circles. "I felt miserable and scared, all right? Do we have to keep going back to that?"

"So what made you feel miserable and scared?"

"Gee, I don't know, maybe… the torture?"

"It was pain, then?"

"No." He wasn't afraid of pain. He'd been kicked around too much throughout his life for that to be a major concern.

"If not the pain, then what aspect of the torture causes you such fear?"

"I don't know. All of it."

"When you spark a memory and a second of panic flashes through you, what is it you're afraid of?"

"Being tortured." This was pointless. He'd come here to talk about his current depression that was caused by being paralyzed, but she was hung up on this. A scary event that happened months ago that only bothered him when something specifically reminded him of it was not his problem.

Sarah seemed to be getting frustrated, too. "You're afraid of being tortured, but not of being in pain?

Well… when she put it that way, it did sound a little odd. "I… guess?"

"If you can, picture your worst fear during these episodes. When the intrusive memories come, exactly what images does your mind produce that terrifies you so much?"

It took half a second to conjure up the image, and a tremor of dread swept through him.

"Can you describe it to me?"

Yuri closed his eyes. "I'm with Carter again. Or anyone else. The exact face doesn't matter. I'm on the ground, my hands are tied, I can't move, I can't escape." His breath came a little quicker as the scene played out in his mind.

"And how do you feel?"

"Alone. Scared."

"Scared of what?"

"That I can't escape. I can't defend myself. That I'm… helpless." He pulled his vision out of his imagination and met her eyes. "That's the best word for it. Helpless."

Sarah slowly nodded. "Everything that happened to you was awful, but at the root, the part that you hated and fear above all others, was feeling helpless."

Yuri turned, resting his chin in his hand. "…Yeah."

"Is that how you feel about your legs?"

"Hm?" Finally she was bringing it back to paralysis.

"I could ask the same question about your legs. What is it that depresses you so much about them? I know that your injury comes with a lot of pain, but you claim that pain isn't an object of fear for you. For you, true fear is helplessness. Because you can't walk, you fear you can't protect yourself or others. Would you say that's accurate?"

Yuri took a deep breath. "You hit the nail on the head."

"I think in isolation you would have been able to handle either of these events. Had you been rescued from Carter and gone back to running around like you used to, fears of helplessness would be abated. Or, if you became paralyzed without the traumatic lead up, you may feel frustrated with your disability but without the immediate and terrifying example of what a lack of agency can feel like, it would be easier to handle. It's putting them back to back that has made this so difficult for you."

"I guess that makes sense. Actually, I think all the other things I'm frustrated with boil down to feeling helpless."

"Like what?"

"Well… ok, when I explain it out loud, it sounds dumb, but I'm worried Flynn and the others will get tired of having to take care of me all the time and ditch me."

"It's not dumb. Sometimes we come up with irrational outcomes when we aren't thinking clearly. Those outcomes may not be likely, but fearing them is reasonable. Is there a particular reason you think they might leave you?"

"No. That's why it's so dumb. My friends and I have been through hell and back together. There's no reason to think they'd abandon me now." He dug his palms into his eyes. "I just can't stop worrying about it."

"I think you're just not used to being on this end of the giving of help. You grew up an orphan, correct?"

He lowered his hands. "Yeah, that's right."

"You're used to being the guy that helps everyone else and takes care of himself. Through forces outside your control, you can't be that guy anymore. It's going to take some time to adjust to your new role."

"A role of the helpless cripple who needs his friends to do everything for him?"

"No. Adjusting to that role will come alongside adjusting to your new life. You've only been navigating life in a wheelchair for a couple of months. Over time, you'll get used to how it feels and adapt. I think you'll be surprised at how many things you can do on your own."

He was so tired of hearing that things would get better. After almost three months of helplessness, he wanted them to be better  _now_. "Yeah, so they say. Until then, it sucks ass."

"I would suggest you do as many things as you can. Every task you accomplish on your own, no matter how small, will boost your confidence."

"I've been trying to do that, actually. I've been doing a lot of cooking lately. Flynn set up his kitchen so I could reach things, and now I cook dinner almost every night."

"That's good! Does cooking make you feel better?"

"Yeah, I guess. It's something to do and keeps my mind occupied. I've been bored as hell, so it's nice to do something."

"What else do you do during the day?"

Yuri wasn't sure how long he ended up talking to her. He hadn't been aware of the time they arrived, so even knowing it was a bit after noon when he finally met Estelle in the kitchen didn't help. It must have been over an hour, though, because it felt like they'd talked about everything. He told her about his daily routine, how bored with it he was, how bad he felt for making Flynn and Estelle change their schedules for him, how it was hard to sleep at night if Flynn didn't come down to join him but how he felt guilty for keeping him up. Sarah bade them farewell after agreeing that Yuri would be back this time in a few days to talk again.

"So, how was it?" Estelle asked on their way home.

"It was fine."

"You're really willing to come back?"

"Yeah. I think I am." He knew it was too much to expect to be cured after one talk, but he did feel somewhat better. His head had been a mess of negative emotions for months, and just getting it all sorted out made him feel lighter.

"I'm so happy for you, and I know Flynn will be, too."

They turned around a corner, and then Yuri looked up at the clear blue sky. "Hey, Flynn said he was going to be late today because he had a meeting. Do you want to go somewhere for lunch?"

"Huh? Like where?"

Yuri shrugged. "I don't know. I don't feel like going home yet."

Estelle perked up. "Ok! I know of a nice restaurant around here."

"Lead the way."

It wasn't the kind of restaurant Yuri would have picked; it actually had table cloths and the waiters wore uniforms. Well, what did he expect in this part of the city? A man in an apron and bow tie approached them as they entered, glancing awkwardly at Yuri.

"Good afternoon, Your Highness. Would you like a table?"

"Yes, please."

The man hesitated and noticeably stared at Yuri, all while trying to make his staring not noticeable. "Do you need… that is, does your companion require special arrangements?"

Yuri decided that he could relate to the host, who must also suffer a spinal injury. It would explain, at least, why he seemed to be unable to both speak and look down at someone seated at the same time.

"No, just move a chair. He can sit at a normal table."

Coming here was a mistake. Yuri could already feel the eyes of the rest of the patrons on him, and it didn't get any better when the host led them to a table and Yuri had to ask people to scoot their seats in to make enough room for him. The restaurant was cozily small, with flowery drapes and spindly tables, and Yuri found himself saying, "'Scuse me. Sorry. Watch out," more times than he'd have liked. Then they reached an empty table and the host lifted one of the four chairs out of the way and had to carry it over his head to move it out of the dining area.

Yuri sat across from Estelle, simmering in frustration. He'd been feeling so good earlier and now he wanted to crawl into bed again. Estelle saw his expression and her whole body winced with guilt.

"I'm really sorry. I thought this restaurant would be nice; I come here with Flynn sometimes. We can go if you want."

"No. We're already here. Not about to make a bigger scene by storming out."

The host returned with silverware and menus. He handed one menu to Estelle, but the other he spread open and rested on the table in front of Yuri. He quickly turned his attention back to Estelle to say, "Your server will be with you shortly, Your Highness." He bowed his head slightly and then returned to the front of the restaurant.

Yuri was still baffled by the way he'd carefully laid the menu out for him. He held his hands out and said, "What the hell? It's my legs that don't work, not my arms."

"Maybe he thought your injury was higher up."

"But he watched me push my chair all the way here." Yuri shook his head. There could be no explaining the stupidity of some people.

"He's just one dumb person. Ignore him. So, what sort of things did you talk about with Sarah?"

"Lots of things. She wanted to talk about my imprisonment at first, which I was kind of annoyed with but in the end she tied it back in to the paralyzed thing. She thinks they're connected."

Estelle paused. "Um… yes, because it was during your imprisonment that you became paralyzed."

Yuri waved his hand. "No, no, I mean mentally." He tapped the side of his head. "Her theory is that getting all fucked over right before losing my legs made it harder to deal. That getting tied up and left to rot down there made my brain all freaked out about anything resembling being unable to move. I think she might be right."

"That would make sense." She nodded slowly. "Even if there isn't a direct connection between events, just having two things to deal with would make it hard. After what happened with Alexei, I know I struggled for a long time to put it all behind me. I couldn't imagine dealing with such a traumatic experience on top of the stress of a physical disability. I think you're really strong, Yuri."

"Hey, I had to get my sorry ass rescued. You saved yourself. You're plenty strong yourself, you know."

She smiled. "I think we're both strong."

"Probably. I don't make a habit of hanging around with losers. Although I do make an exception for Flynn…"

She giggled and turned her eyes to the menu.

A waitress arrived a few minutes later. "Good afternoon, Your Highness. May I take your order?"

She seemed to have the same spinal deficit of the host. If Yuri had bothered transferring into the chair at the table, no one would even know he was crippled. How ridiculous that their whole basis for social interaction got flipped around by the mere presence of wheels on a chair.

"I'll have the chicken salad, please," Estelle said, handing the menu back. "And a glass of water."

"Excellent choice." She jotted this on a pad of paper and then asked, "And what does your companion want?"

Estelle was taken aback by the question, and then looked to Yuri with apology. "I don't know. You should probably ask him."

The waitress turned to Yuri, doing her best to mask her embarrassment. Yuri wanted his anger to project outward and smack the ignorant waitress in the face until she realized that putting wheels on a chair didn't make him deaf, but it didn't make it that far and directed inward. He had been stupid to think he could have a normal outing at a restaurant. This whole trip was a mistake. He was never going to be treated like a real person again. He should stop trying and just stay home where he didn't make everyone uncomfortable. What a pathetic, useless, helpless -

He snapped the menu shut. Those were bad thoughts. He needed to stop himself from going any further down that road. "I'll have a roast beef sandwich."

The waitress took his menu and hurried away.

"Yuri?" Estelle asked softly. "Is everything all right?"

A big part of him wanted to say yes. Estelle just wanted a nice lunch; she didn't need to be dragged down with his depression again. But, she also had frequently expressed a desire to help him and if he wanted to get better, apparently he needed to talk about his feelings more. Him not being depressed in the first place would make Estelle even more happy, so in the long run it would be better to involve her. "I shouldn't have come here. I don't belong. It's too much to expect to integrate into normal society again."

Estelle reached across the table and took his hand. "You listen to me, Yuri. Anywhere I belong,  _you_  belong. If you ever feel like you don't, remember that I'm the princess and I can pass a royal decree to throw anyone in jail if they give you any grief."

Yuri glared at the table. No, to be honest, it was a sulk. "I don't need you to defend me."

She crossed her arms. "Why not? You're clearly not doing it yourself. You've never let people walk over you, Yuri, so I don't think you should start now."

He tightened his fists. Of course she was right. Dammit, dammit, she was right about everything. She'd been right that sharing his grief with her would make him feel better and she'd been right about talking to Sarah being good for him. Estelle was an amazing person and if he wanted to stop feeling so crappy he ought to listen to her more often. "I'll try." He looked to her with a frown. "It's hard, you know? I've got this persistent voice in my head saying I don't matter because I'm a useless cripple so I shouldn't bother. I know I shouldn't listen to it, but it's hard not to sometimes."

Estelle bit her lip, eyes sad. She nodded slowly. "Ok… let's play pretend for a minute."

"Huh?"

"Imagine that after I broke out of Alexei's control, it turned out that him abusing my power like that was very damaging. Imagine I wasn't the same physically anymore - that using my power crippled me and I couldn't walk or fight with the rest of you anymore. In fact, that very nearly did happen. Rita was really opposed to me following you guys after that."

"Ok…" He didn't like imagining such a thing.

"Now picture me like that, and tell me I'm worthless."

His willingness to follow her imagination stopped short. "What?"

"Go on, tell me I'm useless and pathetic since I can't go to Zaude with you."

"No."

"Would you ever tell me that? If I couldn't go on after that, would it even occur to you to tell me to stop trying?"

Yuri slumped his shoulders with a sigh, because he already understood her point. "Of course not."

"So don't tell it to yourself. You wouldn't let a waitress treat me like that, so you shouldn't let one treat you like that either."

"You're right."

She smiled brightly. "Yep, I am. So, whenever you're feeling down about your situation, pretend you're talking to me. Pretend everything you think about yourself you're saying to me."

It may take a while to fully sink in, but he wanted to believe it, and that had to count for something. Imagining all the awful things he thought about himself directed at Estelle was definitely not something he wanted.

About ten minutes later, the waitress returned with their meals. It had been a pleasant ten minutes where they talked about any old subject like they had in the old days, and Yuri was approaching a good mood again. Then the waitress set their plates down and said to Estelle, "Is that everything, Your Highness? Does your companion require any further assistance?"

Estelle must have been even more annoyed than Yuri was, because Yuri could actually see it on her face. "I don't know," she said slowly. "You should ask him."

"Uh… sorry." She turned to Yuri and then spoke very loudly and slowly. "Sir, do you require any further assistance?"

Yuri wavered at the precipice of self-loathing again, because he could see how she'd attracted the attention of people sitting around them and he could tell dozens of eyes were watching him with pity. Then he looked to Estelle and focused on how he'd feel if people were treating her like this. With a flash of indignation, he put on a cheerful smile and spoke even louder. "I'm good, thanks! Sorry, is something wrong with your ears?!"

The waitress faltered. "Uh, pardon? N-no…"

"Really?!" he all but shouted. "'Cause nothing is wrong with mine either, so why are we talking like this?!"

"R-right, sorry," she stammered, and then hurried away.

Yuri grinned when he looked back to Estelle. "Well?"

She raised her palm. "I think that deserved a sign of victory."

The high-five was more satisfying than the entire sandwich.


	21. Spring Awakening

Flynn shook Yuri's shoulder. "Hey," he whispered. "Yuri, wake up."

Yuri's arm flailed over and smacked Flynn. It happened to hit his face, though that hadn't been Yuri's intention. "Go 'way. Too early." Flynn had a habit of getting up before the sun even rose, but Yuri was certain he'd said today was his day off and they should be sleeping in, dammit. "Go back to sleep."

"I can't. You're kicking me and making the whole bed shake."

"Huh?" He pried his eyes open and as consciousness came to him he noticed the vibrating of the bed. "Shit. Sorry." He reached out and put and hand on his thigh. "Stop that."

"Can you take your medicine now?" Flynn glanced at the clock. "If you can lie still we might be able to get another hour of sleep."

"Yeah. Lemme get it." He started to sit up, but Flynn hopped out of bed first. He slept on the edge, because if either of them was going to get out of bed quickly, it was going to be him for obvious reasons.

"Which one is it?" Flynn stared into the cupboard under the nightstand, tired eyes trying to discern which medication was which through the dark room.

"Brown one."

"I don't see a brown one."

Yuri groaned and rolled on his side. "There's two in the back corner."

Flynn shuffled bottles around and then pulled out a pair of orange bottles. "These are the only ones in the back corner." He squeezed his eyes shut for a second. "They looked brown in the darkness."

"There's got to be a brown one in there."

More shuffling. "I don't see one."

Yuri groaned. It was too early for this. "Crap."

Flynn looked to him with concern. "Will you be ok? What happens if you don't take your medication?"

"I'm not gonna die or anything. I'm just spasm-y." He rolled to his back and rubbed his eyes. "Damn, this is annoying. Where's the nearest pharmacy?"

Flynn sat on the edge of the shaking bed. "It's about a ten minute walk from here. I'd better get going."

"Hold on, you don't have to go. I'll get it myself."

Flynn twisted around and rubbed Yuri's spasming thigh. "You know I can walk faster, and do you really want to deal with your legs kicking out while trying to steer?"

He was right, of course. Yuri would just slow him down, so he'd be better off waiting at home because he was help-

Yuri ground his palms into his eyes. No, not helpless. He'd had three lengthy discussions with Sarah now and it was getting easier to remind himself that needing assistance for certain things wasn't the same as totally helpless. Sometimes he needed to let people do things for him and that was ok. "Fine. You're right."

Flynn leaned down and kissed his forehead. "I'll be back as soon as I can. Maybe you can cook breakfast while I'm out?"

It was an obvious attempt to make Yuri feel better by giving him something to do, but he'd take it. "Yeah, sure, I can do that."

"See you in a bit. Hope your legs don't drive you crazy."

By the time Yuri managed to get out of bed and into his chair, Flynn was already out the door. Getting up in the morning was such a hassle. He had to go to the bathroom first - that was a rule. He had scheduled times for catheterizing himself, and if he deviated from the schedule he'd piss his pants. He'd gotten the hang of it, but lubing a rubber tube and sticking it in your dick could never be said to be a fun time for anyone.

Dressed and ready to go, he rolled to the kitchen and tossed some bacon into a pan. With a kettle heating up on the stove, bacon sizzling away, and eggs sitting out to be cooked when Flynn got closer, he put down a bowl of food for Repede and called the job well done. Yuri sat in the middle of the kitchen, feeling pretty satisfied with himself. Could a helpless person cook bacon? Certainly not. He'd managed to do all that while his legs were still jerking, even. They kept twitching like he was bouncing his feet, and even though he couldn't feel it, it threw off his balance and made staying in the chair more difficult. He always had at least a few spasms throughout the day, but without the muscle relaxant, it was really driving him mad.

Then, just as he was thinking about how annoying it was, the twitching stopped. His left leg gave a few more half-hearted jerks, but otherwise they were still. Yuri stared at his knees, then held out his hands. "Seriously?"

He wasn't going to complain, but he hoped Flynn wouldn't come home and think he'd made the early-morning trip for nothing. While waiting for Flynn, he poked the bacon around the pan and threw a second batch on. Repede gobbled up the strips Yuri tossed to him. Yuri was going to wait for Flynn to get back, but it smelled so good so he ate one and swore Repede to secrecy.

By that point, Flynn would probably be home in about five minutes, so he cracked a few eggs into another pan and left them to cook. The water in the kettle was boiling, so Yuri grabbed a mug from the back of the counter. Yuri didn't see the appeal of hot leaf water himself, but Flynn was a loser who liked to sip his tea while reading the newspaper like a square. Yuri held the mug in his left hand and grabbed the kettle with his right. Pouring into a cup on the counter while sitting down was way too tricky, so he held it over his lap as he filled the mug.

And then his leg spasmed again. His right leg jolted his arm and the kettle slipped from his grip. Habit led him to correct the mistake with his index finger, but his stump only scraped the edge as the kettle crashed to the ground. Boiling water gushed from the spout as it fell and he watched it bang against his knee before hitting the floor with a clang and creating a pool of hot water.

"Ah, crap," Yuri muttered, setting the mug on the counter. His left pant leg was streaked with steaming water. He was no medical expert, but steam coming off your body probably wasn't a good sign.

Repede whined and Yuri turned the chair around. "Stay back, the water on the ground might still be hot." Yuri picked up the kettle, which had begun to cool off now that it wasn't full of boiling water. The kettle went on the counter, he turned off all the burners so he didn't need to worry about breakfast burning, and then he looked down at himself. He'd been moving with a mindless calm, but alarm bells were going off in his head that were getting harder to ignore. His pants weren't steaming anymore, but if he held his hand over the damp splotch just above his knee, heat radiated off.

Burn first aid. He knew this. Put the burned skin under cool running water and eat an apple gel. All the apple gels had been moved to Yuri's room since he ate them so frequently, but what was he supposed to do about the water? He couldn't exactly hop up on the counter and stick his legs under the sink.

The front door opened and Flynn called, "Mmmm, I smell bacon! That my reward for fetching this for you?"

Relief struck Yuri more than he'd thought it would. "Hey, uh, Flynn? I have a bit of a problem."

Flynn arrived in the kitchen and set a paper bag on the counter. "What do you need? Why are your pants wet?"

"I dropped the tea kettle on myself."

Flynn snorted. "Since when were you such a klutz? Don't worry about it, I'll mop up the puddle. I'm not going to make you get down on the ground to do that."

Apparently Flynn interpreted Yuri's calm demeanour as a sign he was unhurt, which Yuri couldn't blame him for. Normally in a circumstance like this, Yuri would be on the ground cursing and yelling. At least, he thought so, but he wasn't actually sure just how badly he was injured. "The water was boiling, Flynn. I think I burned my legs pretty bad."

Flynn's smile dropped in a fraction of a second. "What - are you serious? But, you're not - oh shit."

"Yeah. I want to run some cool water over them, but I'm not sure how to reach the sink."

"No, no, that won't work." Flynn's head darted around the kitchen, and then inspiration struck and he ran forward. Without comment, he grabbed the handles of Yuri's chair and hurried out of the kitchen.

Usually Yuri would be pretty mad at getting pushed around without asking, but he could forgive Flynn in his moment of panic. Flynn was actually freaking out more than Yuri was, which Yuri found mildly funny. They entered the bathroom and then Flynn's hands went for Yuri's waistband.

"You need to get your pants off immediately."

"Who doesn't long to hear that from a sexy knight?" He pushed up against the armrests so Flynn could pull his pants off. When his legs were bare, his heart skipped a beat at the sight of the bright red streaks peppered with blisters. His left leg had gotten the worst of the water, but a crescent-shaped burn on his right knee showed where the kettle hit him. He couldn't feel these blisters, but the memory of heat scorching into his skin and leaving dozens of small, deep burns flared through his mind.

While the memory gripped him, Flynn pulled him to the edge of the tub and positioned his legs under the faucet. By the time Yuri snapped out of it, water already streamed over his legs. They'd started spasming again, splashing the water around.

"I'll get a gel." Flynn returned within a minute. After Yuri ate the apple gel, Flynn asked, "Are you sure you're not in pain?"

"Really, I'm fine."

Flynn sat on the edge of the tub. "It's bizarre, isn't it?"

"Pretty weird." He ought to be in horrible pain right now, but he wasn't even fazed. "I think you're more alarmed about this than I am."

"I'm always worried when you're hurt, which is distressingly often. Are you at all alarmed? Not about being in pain, because I know you aren't, but are you alarmed at being badly injured?"

Yuri looked to his legs with a frown. Flynn obviously wanted him to say yes, but he wasn't going to get better if he lied about how he felt. "Sort of."

"You certainly seemed calm when I came home." Flynn leaned forward on his knees, face heavy. "What I'm wondering is if you were calm out of shock, or calm because you don't care if you get injured or die?"

He had to think about that. What had he been thinking at the time? He'd been in a state of thinking 'I need to fix this' and then dealt with it as best he could. It hadn't occurred to him to freak out, because it didn't hurt and because his survival instincts had been hibernating lately. The important thing, though, was that he had immediately tried to figure out how to treat the burn. Not once did he think about how it didn't matter, or how he wished he'd hurt himself more so he might have died from it. "I wanted to heal myself. I didn't let myself freak out because I had a problem to solve."

Flynn looked up with a soft smile. "You wanted to live?"

Yuri nodded once, firmly. "Yeah. It didn't even occur to me to see if I could let the burns kill me."

"I can't describe how relieved I am to hear that."

"Sorry for screwing up breakfast."

Flynn lightly punched his shoulder. "You know I'm not worried about that."

* * *

Yuri was in a good mood as he made his way home. It felt rude to think the reason for his happiness was that Estelle wasn't here, but it was more complicated than that. He'd argued with her this morning as he prepared to leave for Sarah's house. She wanted to walk with him like she always did, but Yuri insisted on going alone. He didn't even want Repede to come with him. It wasn't that he didn't want his friends around, he just wanted to do one thing by himself for the first time since he was injured. After months of supervision and assistance, it felt wonderful to make his way down the street on his own.

Talking to Sarah wasn't fun. She asked sensitive questions and made him talk about all the shitty things he'd like to forget, even going back further than Carter. He wasn't going to tell her about Ragou and Cumore, but he hadn't realized how much guilt he still carried over failing to protect Estelle from Alexei until Sarah cracked that egg open. He was always unhappy while talking to her, but every time he left, his head felt clearer than ever. Comparatively, today hadn't been that bad. They talked about burning his legs a few days earlier and she shared his enthusiasm for immediately jumping to treat the injury. It seemed like a little thing, but Yuri had been hoping for an anvil to fall out of the sky and crush him for so long that not being content with a major injury was a big thing.

The beautiful weather didn't hurt either. Spring had finally arrived, bringing chirping birds and the ever-present dripping of melting snow. Everyone he passed wore summery clothes to celebrate the warmth, even though by the end of summer this same temperature would be the cue to pull out the coats. He made his way along the main road in the public quarter, just daring anyone to comment. This wasn't the most direct route home, but on a beautiful day like this, he didn't feel like going inside yet. This was the kind of day he used to spend just wandering around and stretching his legs. He could still do that, it just meant stretching his arms instead. He wouldn't stay too long, because Estelle would worry about him if he took too long to get home, but half an hour or so to enjoy the tranquility of independence was all right.

"Excuse me, sir?" Someone tapped his shoulder.

"Yes?" he snipped, stopping short and glancing up. Too many people already had stopped him to ask if he needed help. Did it look like he needed help? Why was it that the mere act of using a wheelchair apparently put up a banner screaming 'help me!'? Yuri had never been that stupid about disabled people when he could walk… had he? Actually, if he'd spent twenty-one years assuming anyone who couldn't walk was practically helpless, that would explain a lot about his ideas of being useless now.

"I'm sorry to bother you," the woman said, "but I'm afraid these groceries I'm carrying are killing my back. I was in an accident a few years ago, you see, and it's been sore ever since. I always think I can carry more than I can." She smiled sheepishly and gestured at the paper bag on the ground. "I hate asking people for help. You know how it is, don't you? As soon as you ask for help, they treat you like an infant."

Yuri's irritation vanished and was replaced with empathy. "Heh, yeah, I know exactly what you mean."

"I knew you of all people would; that's why I wasn't afraid to ask you. If it isn't too much trouble, could you possibly help me carry this home? I only live a few streets from here."

"I'd be happy to!" He really would. The thrill of being asked for help lifted his spirits so high he might be floating. He started to lean down to grab the bag, and then reconsidered. "Can you lift it onto my lap? I think I'll fall out if I try to pick that up."

"Yes, of course." She heaved the bag onto Yuri's lap.

He couldn't tell how heavy it was, but based on how solidly it sat there, it must be more than a pile of feathers. He glanced in and saw smaller packages of fruits and vegetables. "My name's Yuri, by the way."

"Oh, yes, I know. You've been in the papers."

"Ha, right." After a lifetime of obscurity, it was still weird sometimes to think he was famous now. He hadn't wanted the publicity for stopping Alexei, destroying the Adephagos, or re-taking Zaphias, and he certainly didn't want it for being the commandant's tragic and scandalous boyfriend. There was nothing to be done about that now, though. "What's your name?"

"Catherine," she replied. "I live this way."

They turned off the main road and down a smaller one lined with shops. In the shade of the buildings, small piles of brown snow had managed to survive. "So, how did you get injured?" Yuri asked. Catherine walked slowly, and Yuri wasn't sure whether that was because of her own aching back or out of consideration for him. Either way, it was nice. He couldn't look people in the eye without straining his neck, but he preferred to at least not look them in the butt.

"Well… I don't really like talking about it…" She bit her lip and glanced away.

"Oh, I get it." As annoying as the newspapers were, it was lucky that at least no one had to ask him that. He couldn't think of a way to say 'I was kidnapped and tortured' without dragging the conversation down.

"We can cut through here; it will be faster." She turned off the road and onto an even smaller one, with bumpy cobbles he struggled to get over. His jostling chair caused the bag of groceries to sway dangerously.

"Sorry, can you slow down a tad? If I go much faster, your groceries will fall."

"Oh, yes, sorry. Here, I'll help you out." She walked behind the chair and grabbed the handles.

Yuri's irritation snapped back in full force. "Actually, I'd rather if you didn't." She might be a fellow crip, but that didn't give her permission to push him without being asked. Flynn didn't even have permission to do that.

Catherine apparently didn't grasp his tone, because she blithely pushed forward.

"Stop." Yuri reached for his wheels to force her to stop, but before he could, Catherine jerked the back of the chair upward. The chair tilted forward, throwing Yuri to the street. He barely caught himself on his hands, and he heard something snap. Catherine shoved his chair away with a crash, and it landed on the side, big wheel still spinning. Yuri shoved his arms against the ground to roll onto his back. He was afraid a bone had broken in his legs, but then he realized it had just been a carrot in the bag he'd landed on.

There were more important things to worry about now, though, like the knife Catherine pulled out of her belt. Everything was happening too fast to even wonder what prompted this attack, and he had a split-second to act as the knife plunged toward him. All he could do was throw his arms up and try to bat her away. He deflected the knife by letting it gouge his forearm, but that was better than letting it sink into his throat.

"What the hell?!" Yuri roared.

Catherine was on her knees now, straddling him with hatred on her face. "It's time for you to pay for what you've done, Yuri Lowell."

The knife flashed and his hand caught it this time. The blade dug into the side of his palm, but in the rush of the fight it might as well have been as numb as his legs. He couldn't even begin to try to throw her off. He threw a punch, socked her in the gut, and then pushed his elbows against the ground to try to sit up. Catherine grunted but didn't fall over - damn, this was where bucking his legs would be useful. Adrenaline shot his heart rate through the roof. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't throw her off him and he could only use his arms as a shield so many times. This bitch was going to kill him! Terror gripped him.  _She's going to kill you and there's nothing you can do about it. Maybe you can get around the house and roam the streets on your own, but you're still useless in a fight. All you can do is lie there let her end your pathetic life._

Catherine came at him with the knife again. Yuri didn't know if it was panic or courage that rushed through him, but his hand moved faster than a striking snake. He snatched a cantaloupe from the grocery bag and whipped it in front of him just in time to catch the knife. Catherine growled in frustration when the hilt hit the rind. Yuri twisted his wrist and yanked the knife out of her hand. He tossed it to the side and while she was still flustered from the loss of her weapon, Yuri smashed his elbows against the ground and pushed himself upright. He grabbed the front of her shirt and let gravity pull them both down, twisting to the side so her shoulder smashed the ground.

Yuri punched her just below her ribs and then pushed against the ground with his other hand. He forced his torso on top of her and then his bloody hand came down on her throat. Catherine yelled and tried to push him off, but gravity was on his side now. He used one hand to pin her right arm against the ground - the one not trapped under his body - while his left hand struggled to crush her windpipe. Blood covered her neck from his bleeding hand, but because of the wound he couldn't apply enough pressure. He didn't like the idea of killing her, especially before finding out what her beef with him was, but he didn't have any choice. He had no way of subduing her and dragging her to the knights, or even running away, because without help he couldn't get back in his chair.

"Help!" Catherine screamed, struggling to throw him off. "Help me!"

"You hypocritical bitch," Yuri seethed. He squeezed harder, wincing as pain shot up his arm. His grip on her throat was slippery with blood. He didn't have much time. She was going to manage to throw him off any second now and if she pried the knife out of the cantaloupe, he was finished.

Yuri had never been so glad to hear the clanking of running knights. Catherine's screams had accomplished something, at least. He was just relieved he wouldn't be forced to kill her.

"I say! Unhand that woman!"

Yuri closed his eyes for a second. Of all the knights in the empire, why was it  _always_  them?

"Help me!" Catherine screamed. "Please, he's trying to kill me!"

Someone grabbed the back of his shirt and yanked him away from Catherine. He rolled onto his back and saw Boccos standing over him with an angry expression.

"Yuri Lowell! I never thought we'd have to protect civilians from you!"

"Give me a break. She attacked me first."

"Th-thank you," Catherine sobbed as Adecor helped her to her feet. "I offered to help this man carry his groceries and then he just attacked me!"

"I say, this is a new low for you, Yuri Lowell!"

"Don't tell me you buy her crap." Arguing from his back on the ground was pretty frustrating when everyone else was on their feet. "She asked me to help her home, and then she dumped me out of my chair and came at me with a knife."

"That's ridiculous." Catherine rubbed her eyes and Yuri noticed how little pain her back seemed to be giving her. If she really did have a back injury, he was a Child of the Full Moon. "Why would I ask a cripple for help?"

"She has a point," Boccos said, looking down at him.

"Obviously it was an excuse to get me alone so she could murder me."

Adecor looked between them, his expression clearly saying that this was a situation far more complicated than his minimal training had prepared him for. "I say, you are both under arrest! We shall let Lieutenant Leblanc get to the bottom of this.

"No, please," Catherine cried as Adecor put her in handcuffs. "I didn't do anything. This awful man tried to kill me. I just want to go home!"

"If you really are innocent," Boccos said, grabbing Yuri's arm and rolling him onto his chest. "You will be free to go home in a short while." He handcuffed Yuri and then cut a long strip of fabric from his uniform. At least they weren't totally incompetent, Yuri thought as Boccos wound the fabric around Yuri's injured hand and arm to stop the bleeding. "All right, you two, off to the castle to let the lieutenant figure out which of you is lying!"

Yuri twisted his face off the ground and wiggled as much as he could. "Look, I know intelligence isn't a high point for you Tweedles, but I really don't think handcuffs were necessary here."

"It's standard procedure, I say! Now then, on your feet!"

Yuri stared at Adecor. Maybe if he stared long enough, the absurdity of what he'd said would sink in without Yuri having to point out how much of an idiot he was. After a long moment, Yuri said, "If you idiots charge me with resisting arrest for not standing on command, I swear I will throttle you."

"Oh… right…" Boccos glanced at the wheelchair on the ground and then quickly fetched it. Working together with Adecor, they grabbed Yuri under the arms and heaved him into his seat. His arm and hand ached as they pressed against the back, and then they were off.

Yuri hated letting other people push him at the best of times, but being pushed by Boccos while handcuffed was the ultimate frustration. What did they think he was going to do with his hands free? With his injured palm, he wasn't going to be able to push very fast anyway.

They couldn't reach the castle soon enough. They entered through the Knights' wing, which included Adecor and Boccos struggling to lift Yuri's chair up the steps. At the entrance to the prison cells, the Tweedles took one look at the stairs and then decided it wasn't worth the hassle. They left him in a locked room in a side corridor.

"Good thing you locked the door," Yuri shouted at the closed door as he listened to their clanking walk away. "That is the biggest deterrent to my escape plan." Handcuffs had always been a pain, but never more than now, when he relied on his hands to move. They could have left the door wide open and he couldn't have left the room, because without the use of his arms, his chair wasn't going anywhere.

This was such bullshit. He couldn't believe he had actually been arrested for trying to save his life. Actually, he could believe it, because that sounded pretty typical for his luck. Maybe this was a sign that life was going back to normal. He squirmed his arms, more because he wanted to move something than anything else. As the minutes wore on, adrenaline from the encounter faded and pain from his injuries increased. Who was that woman anyway? He'd spent the entire winter as an invalid; it wasn't like he'd had any time to piss people off. He'd wonder if a wheelchair murdered her family except she'd been pretty clear about him specifically needing to pay for something.

How long had he been here anyway? Estelle must be worried sick by now.

He was starting to wonder if they'd forgotten about him when the door finally opened and an angry Flynn entered. He shut the door and gave Yuri a stern look. "Tell me what happened."

"Well, hello to you, too."

"Why did you get into a knife fight with a woman doing her grocery shopping?"  Flynn wore a weary expression that said he wished this situation was more surprising than it was. 

"She tried to kill me."

Flynn faltered. "She… what?"

Yuri tugged his hands and twisted enough to show Flynn the blood soaking through Boccos' makeshift bandages. "I don't know what her deal is, but she dumped me out of my chair and came at me with a knife."

"I'll get an apple gel." Flynn dashed from the room and returned minutes later, lemon gels in hand. He dragged a chair over and sat in front of Yuri, and quickly unlocked the cuffs. "I'm sorry it took me so long to get here. I came as soon as someone told me what happened."

"It's fine. I didn't expect the Tweedles to handle this competently." When his hands were free, Yuri ate one of the lemon gels and the pain relief was instant. Lemon gels were worth their price. He unwound the bandages and Flynn handed him a damp cloth to wipe up the blood. The wounds were still sore, but all that remained under the blood was a raised red line, and even that would fade in a few days.

Flynn caught his wrist and examined the wound on his palm. "These are clearly defensive wounds."

"Yeah, that's what happens when crazy people try to knife you."

"Are you ok? This is the second time this week you've been gravely injured when left to your own devices."

"Are you really going to try to argue that this never would have happened before I was injured?"

"True. You do attract disasters like flies to honey."

"I should invest in more vinegar."

"Do you have any idea what you did to provoke her?"

"Why do you assume I provoked her?!"

Flynn just gave him a look.

Yuri crossed his arms. "Ok, I may not have a history of being the politest person, but I hardly think I've ever done enough to warrant an attempted murder. All she said was 'it's time for you to pay for what you've done, Yuri Lowell.' I don't know anything else."

"Hm…" Flynn had a theory, but he didn't feel like sharing it yet. "I'll look into this. Now, are you sure you're ok?" He looked deep into Yuri's eyes, his own filled with so much concern it radiated off him in waves.

"Yes. I'm fine. Actually, I'm more than fine." Yuri couldn't keep a grin off his face. "In fact, I feel better than I have in months."

"Really? That's excellent news, though I'm a bit concerned that nearly being murdered puts you in a good mood. You don't… well, it's not because you're happy about almost dying, is it?"

Yuri rested his hand on Flynn's knee. "Relax. It's not that I enjoyed coming so close to death. It's the opposite, in fact." He rolled backward, slowly because his hand still hurt, and took a deep breath. "I haven't been this eager to get on with my life since before Carter kidnapped me."

"So, it took looking death in the face to realize you didn't want it?"

"Sort of. It's not just that, though." Yuri balled his hands into fists and rested them on the armrests. "I fought back, Flynn. It was a lot more difficult than it used to be, but I did it. Even though I couldn't move my legs, I still managed to get the upper hand and disarm her. I can do this. I can fight. I can be me."

Flynn stared at him with a slight smile for a few seconds, and then a laugh broke out.

"What? What's so funny?"

"I'm sorry." Flynn shook his head, face still scrunched with a grin and soft chuckles. "It's just so  _you_ , Yuri. It takes nearly being murdered to cheer you up. What a ridiculous person."

Yuri crossed his arms. "Hey, I don't critique your coping methods."

Flynn stood and stepped to the side of the chair. He leaned down and pressed his forehead against the side of Yuri's head, arms wrapping his shoulders. "I'm really glad you feel better, Yuri. I'm also really glad you survived two major injuries this week without major consequences. I'd say I hope this is the end of you getting yourself into deadly trouble, but that would be naïve."

Yuri twisted his head and kissed Flynn's cheek. "You know me."


	22. New Normal

Flynn would have loved to stay with Yuri and celebrate his renewed confidence, but he had a job to get back to. He was already taking time out of work to deal with this, which wasn't something the commandant himself ought to involve himself with. He sent Leblanc into Yuri's room to get a full report and then headed down the stairs to the prison cells.

Catherine the only prisoner down there. She sat on a bench with her hands folded on her lap, and looked up when Flynn approached. "Thank goodness you're here. That man attacked me and the knights think he might be innocent!"

"Drop the act." Flynn stood on the other side of the bars, arms crossed. "I know you tried to stab Yuri."

She sneered at him. "Should have known you'd instantly side with your boyfriend. Isn't the commandant supposed to be non-biased?"

He wasn't going to rise to her taunts. "Why did you attack Yuri?"

"He deserved it."

"Did he offend you in any way?" That wouldn't exonerate her, but it would at least explain what happened.

"He ruined Timothy's life."

"…I see." Damn. He should have guessed. "You feel that Carter was wrongfully convicted and Yuri is to blame?"

"He's innocent!" Catherine protested. "He told me so in his letters. You and Yuri Lowell worked together to smear his reputation and I will never forgive you for it!"

"Why do you hold Yuri accountable? If you have a problem with the justice system, you ought to come after me. Going after a man in a wheelchair is despicable."

She crossed her arms and snorted. "I'm not stupid. I know have no chance of striking a blow against the commandant."

"So you admit you went after Yuri because he was an easy target?" It was a frightening realization. Yuri had never avoided making enemies, and now he was so vulnerable. What if someone else decided this was the perfect time to get revenge? Even if Yuri worked hard to get into shape again, the strongest fighter in the world would be at a distinct drawback if forced to fight sitting down. Flynn had been so worried lately about Yuri hurting himself, he'd barely spared time to think about other people hurting him. "You're a coward."

"At least I'm not a framer! You'll see. When you get kicked out of office and Timothy is freed, we can finally be together and you and Yuri will be punished for taking this away from us!"

Flynn highly doubted she had ever even met Carter in person. There was nothing to be gained from interrogating her, so he shook his head and returned upstairs. Leblanc could sort this one out. Maybe she'd be happy to go to prison for attempted murder; she could bond over the experience with Carter.

In the hallway upstairs, Flynn spotted Yuri making his way to the exit. "Yuri." Flynn jogged to catch up. "Is everything ok?"

"I'm fine and dandy. All charges dropped." He gave a thumbs-up. "All things considered, this has been one of my more pleasant interactions with the Knights. So did you figure out why that lady wanted me dead?"

Flynn nodded. "Yes. She seems to be under the impression that Carter is her true love and she must punish us for putting him in prison."

"Huh. So she's crazy, then."

"It would seem that she is not entirely mentally stable, yes. Are you on your way home now?"

"Yeah. Estelle must be worried by now."

"Yes, probably." He winced, hating to think she was worrying herself into a tizzy. Flynn wanted to offer to walk Yuri home, but he didn't have time and he knew Yuri would reject him anyway. "Have a safe walk home."

"Will do. Hey, at least I know there's one less murderer on the streets."

Flynn thought about the letters he'd received, and Sodia's comments about multiple people writing to Carter. Catherine couldn't be his only crazed fan. "Just… be careful. Catherine isn't the only person who might resent you for what happened to Carter."

"You really think there's more than one person willing to kill for that bastard?"

Flynn nodded. This conversation was lasting longer than he'd expected, so he got down on one knee before Yuri's neck started to hurt from looking up for so long. "Actually, yes. I've received multiple letters on the subject and though they aren't signed, the handwriting is different. Carter is reported to have multiple enraptured pen-pals, and we have no way of knowing which ones are actually dangerous. In addition, Carter has already proved that people might be willing to hurt you to get to me, and they might feel that in your current condition you'd make an easy target."

Yuri held up his hand. "Whoa, hold on. What's this about getting threatening letters? When was this?"

"Sodia reported Carter's letter writing habits about two weeks ago, and I've been getting angry letters with the rest of my junk mail for months."

"And you didn't think this was important to tell me? If someone is threatening you, or me for that matter, I'd like to know about it."

"I'm sorry. I thought you had enough on your plate without worrying about this, too."

Yuri crossed his arms. "You thought I was too delicate to handle the information?"

Flynn switched to the other knee - these hard floors were killer on the kneecaps. "I was afraid that giving you one more thing to worry about might tip your hand and convince you to kill yourself, yes."

Yuri glanced away, his anger fading. "I get it."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"Just don't do it again. I'm tired of being treated like a child. I know you didn't mean it, but I've had enough of people acting like being paralyzed automatically makes me mentally deficient."

"I promise." Now would be a good time to tell Yuri the truth about who caused his injury. In fact, it might be the  _only_  time, because if he kept another secret from Yuri after this, telling him was going to be a hundred times harder in the future. He had to do it now. His brain went into overdrive to think of a way to formulate the admission. How was he even supposed to broach this topic? 'Yuri, it's my fault you're paralyzed'? 'I'm the one who broke your back, Yuri'? The words hung heavily on his tongue, weighed down with fear they'd cause Yuri to reject him forever. Yuri was finally on an upswing; Flynn couldn't lose him now, not again.

"Anyway, see you tonight."

His opportunity passed. Yuri turned the chair around and continued to the exit. Flynn slowly stood, wondering if he should shout his admission after him. There was no way to do that without risking someone else hearing, though, and then everyone would know his shame. Yuri turned the corner, and Flynn sighed.  _Coward_.

He returned to his office to continue his day. It was almost time to head home anyway, but he'd taken time out to deal with Yuri and Catherine so he had a few things to finish up here before he could leave and work from home. In his office, he found Estelle sitting in front of his desk and Rita leaning against it. "Good afternoon."

"Flynn!" Estelle jumped up. "I don't want to worry you, but Yuri was supposed to be home an hour ago. Maybe I'm worrying about nothing, but I can't help but imagine he might have… I don't know, fallen from his chair and is lying in a ditch at the side of the road. What should we do?"

"Calm down." He stood next to her by the desk. "Yuri is perfectly fine. He had a minor altercation with someone and they were both brought in by the Knights. I spoke to him not five minutes ago and he's on his way home now."

Estelle visibly relaxed. "Oh, thank goodness."

"See?" Rita said. "I told you he'd be ok. I wasn't worried at all."

Flynn didn't know Rita as well as he knew Estelle, but he could spot the lie on her face. "Yuri tells me he's feeling better than ever and that the excitement of fighting has given new wind to his sails."

"What was he fighting about, anyway?" Rita asked. "That moron can never keep himself out of trouble."

Flynn would rather Estelle not worry even more by telling her someone had tried to murder Yuri. "He had a scuffle with someone who cared about Carter. He can tell you about it himself later."

"You're sure he's all right? He doesn't need healing?"

"He's perfectly fine."

"Good," Rita said. "Anyway, Flynn, Estelle and I were just talking about something. We have an idea and we think Yuri would really like it."

"Oh? What's that?"

Rita explained while Estelle bobbed her head with a smile, occasionally throwing in additions. By the time they were done, Flynn was smiling too.

"Yes," he said. "I think Yuri would like that very much."

* * *

When Yuri arrived home, the house was empty. "Repede?" he called while wiping his wheels. "Estelle?" There was no answer, so he rolled to the kitchen. There was a note on the table, written in Estelle's neat, curly handwriting.

_Yuri -_

_I got worried because you were so late. Repede went out to look for you and I went to the castle to see Flynn. If you're reading this, it means you made it home safely, so yay! I'm not sure when I'll be back._

_Love, Estelle._

He felt bad for worrying her, but if she'd gone to the castle, Flynn would have told her what happened by now. Of course, that might just worry her further if she knew someone wanted to kill him. Unless she already knew? Irritation prickled through his mind. How many people knew that he'd gotten death threats? He was already annoyed as long as the count didn't include him, but if all of his friends were in the loop except for him, that was even more annoying. What was most annoying of all was that he could see where Flynn was coming from. Yuri had been in a dark place, and he was still close enough to know what a new shade of darkness could have done. He'd been so close to the edge, one little push might have been enough to send him over. Knowing that didn't make him less annoyed, though.

He looked down at his arms. Most of the blood had been washed off, but there were still smudges. He was due for a shower, anyway. Bathing hadn't been optional in the hospital where nurses decided when sponge baths happened, and after that it had been such an affair for Flynn to drag him out of bed and into the bath tub it only happened when Flynn reached his breaking point. He hadn't neglected personal hygiene this badly since they were on the road twenty-four hours a day, so it was time to get into gear and start showering regularly again.

In the bathroom, he remembered that showering was going to have to be bathing. There was a shower head above the tub, but sitting on the floor of the bathtub and trying to shower would be a pain. A hot bath would be nicer, anyway. While the tub filled up, he struggled out of his clothes. The shirt was easy enough, but taking pants off without lying in bed was a hassle of rocking back and forth and wiggling them down an inch at a time. By the time he was ready to get in, the bath was ready and he shut off the water. For a moment he considered returning to his bedroom to get his transfer board, but he'd left his clothes on the floor and turning the chair around the narrow bathroom without tangling his shirt on his wheels would be a miracle. Instead, he grabbed the edge of the tub in one hand and the arm rest in the other, took a deep breath, and heaved.

He made it without falling. Success! If he could fight off an assassin, he could do anything. He grabbed his legs and twisted them around to the water. His left leg was still streaked with red marks from the burns, but thanks to Estelle's interference the blisters were gone and they probably wouldn't hurt even if he could feel his legs. Yuri sank into the tub, letting warm water flow to his neck. He sighed, closed his eyes, and relished the simple comfort. With water all around making his whole body weightless, his legs didn't feel like dead-weight.

It was interesting, though. Warm water engulfing him vividly mapped the borders of his injury. The water was pleasantly warm around his shoulders and pecs, but further down his ribcage were patches that felt much cooler. They picked up some heat, but not nearly complete intensity. There were other parts where he couldn't feel anything at all, surrounded by skin that picked up so much temperature it almost hurt. This was especially true at the line around his torso, just under his ribs, that marked the furthest extent of sensation. Below that line was nothing, and above it the heat burned a belt of heightened sensitivity.

That line would be the only division between feeling and not feeling if he hadn't been so stupid. That was where he'd been stabbed. Above it, the uneven distribution of sensation was the result of the botched surgery. Yuri pulled his hand to his chest and played with the skin, experimenting with exactly where he could feel and where he couldn't. Sometimes his brain flashed an alert telling him he was being touched, but it couldn't tell him where without knowing where his hand was.

He ran his hand in circles around a spot just below his sternum.  _I could have been able to feel this_. He'd fucked up when he asked for that operation. It had been stupid and reckless. He'd just been so  _desperate_. Even more alarmingly, if someone offered him a different experimental hope for a cure, he wasn't sure he'd say no. He had finally come to terms with the fact that for the foreseeable future, he was never going to walk again. He'd also accepted the fact that living like this was actually possible, but that didn't mean living with legs wouldn't be better. When he pictured himself standing up again, longing welled up in his chest and he had to squeeze his eyes shut and dunk his head underwater to clear his mind.

He was never going to walk again. That wasn't ok, but it also wasn't ok to want to die. He was a founding member of Brave Vesperia, but he hadn't been very brave lately. Hiding from the world and pitying himself were not the actions Karol looked up to. The person he'd become wasn't what Brave Vesperia stood for. He needed to get his life back together.

Yuri grabbed the shampoo and lathered his hair. Before being stabbed, he'd always been a shower man. He was always on the move, too restless to do anything but pop in and out of a shower. Baths were nice, though. Lying in the soothing embrace of water, he wondered why he'd never partaken in them before. Now that he couldn't stand up in a shower, he was going to take a lot more baths, and that was something to be thankful for.

The bath was beginning to grow cold by the time Yuri decided he was done. He pulled the plug, and it was then that he realized his fatal mistake. "Uh-oh." He gripped the edges of the tub and pushed, and with the water's help he could lift his body to the water level. He'd need at least another four or five inches to clear the lip of the tub, and that distance was increasing as the water drained. Even if he filled the tub again, he doubted he'd be able to make it. "Crap." Maybe in the old days he could have done it, before he spent an entire winter lying on his ass and letting all his muscles atrophy. He thought of the dumbbell Karol had given him with a guilt. Maybe if he'd appreciated his friends' gifts more, he'd be strong enough to escape the tub. As it was, the bathtub formed an inescapable prison.

"Great _,_ " he announced to the steamy mirror. A few weeks ago, such a thing would probably send him into a spiral of despair, but he was in too good a mood to react with anything but laughter. A bathtub. He'd escaped from an iron prison cell with nothing but a friend and his fists, and then fought his way out to escape a giant tower of gears teaming with enemies, but  _this_  was the prison that beat him. A fucking  _bathtub_.

The water had drained by now, so he reached over the edge and strained to grab the towel. He just barely reached it and then pulled it in to dry off before he started getting cold. Hopefully Flynn, Estelle, or Repede would be home soon. He wasn't sure who he hoped for. Repede wouldn't make fun of him, but wouldn't be much use in pulling him out. Estelle would probably be sympathetic, but he wasn't keen on Estelle finding him naked in a tub. He knew she didn't want to see that, either. Flynn would therefor be the best, but he would also never let Yuri live it down.

Yuri waited in the tub for another fifteen minutes before the front door opened. By the thumping footsteps, it had to be Flynn. The steps came down the hall, paused outside Yuri's room, and then entered the kitchen.

"Yuri?"

"In here."

"Oh, sorry."

"No, you can come in. Actually, I'd prefer if you did."

"Um… ok."

Yuri could have perhaps phrased that better, because Flynn was no doubt worrying about what kind of help Yuri needed in the bathroom. He got an idea of what he'd feared by the look of relief on Flynn's face upon finding him in the bathtub. Yuri lounged against the back of the tub and gave Flynn a coy smile. "Hey there, sexy."

Flynn stared at him. "Are you all right?"

Yuri glanced down at himself for a second. It ought to be no surprise that Flynn barely reacted to him. There had once been a time when Flynn was attracted to him, but before they could capitalize on that, everything went to hell. Where once he had toned abs, months of inactivity had left him with a squishy stomach. His powerful legs had atrophied to twigs, becoming a recluse left him pale as a vampire, and his short hair hung off his shoulders in wet clumps. This was possibly the least attractive he'd ever been, and Flynn's complete non-reaction to finding him naked was a testament to that.

He shrugged those thoughts off and dropped the smile. "I seem to have gotten stuck. Could you give me a hand?"

A smile toyed at the edge of Flynn's mouth. "You didn't think this one through, did you?"

"No, now get me out."

"You didn't say the magic word."

" _Flynn_."

Flynn crossed his arms and leaned against the sink. "You're not hurt, are you?"

"No, I'm fine."

"Good. Well, I'm hungry. I think I'm going to make some grilled cheese. Want some?"

"I'd be happy to make it for you."

"No, no, this is a rare opportunity for me. Usually when I try to cook, you jump in and take over." Flynn smiled, but it wasn't his usual pleasant smile. It was the one Yuri was certain only he knew existed - the one that reminded him that Flynn did a good job of pretending to be a peaceful, mature adult but that they were best friends for a reason and he could be just as evil as Yuri in the right circumstances.

"Don't you dare leave me here."

Flynn headed to the door. "Do you want ham in yours, or just cheese?"

"Flynn!"

"I'll assume you want ham." He left, leaving the door open so Yuri could hear him walk to the kitchen.

"Get your ass back here, you bastard!" Yuri grabbed the edge the edge of the tub and pulled himself up as much as he could. "You think you're so funny, don't you?" He heard pans clanging in the kitchen. If Flynn burned the house down, Yuri would be in a bit of a pickle escaping the fire on his own.

"I've put up with your crap for over fifteen years," Flynn called back. "I think you can handle this."

"You conniving bastard." Despite his frustration, there was a smile on his face. It had been a long time since someone hadn't walked on eggshells around him.

Yuri tried to make himself comfortable in the bathtub, which was difficult when he was on edge listening for crashes and disaster from the kitchen. When he smelled melting cheese, it didn't smell too bad, but it was hard to trust Flynn's cooking.

When Flynn finished, he returned to the bathroom. "I'll have you know, nothing burned. Considering you recently got second degree burns while cooking, I don't think you're in any position to critique me."

Yuri folded his arms on the side of the tub. "I'm disabled. You can't hold me to the same standards. That's discrimination. You also can't leave me in a bathtub."

"You still haven't said the magic word."

"Abracadabra, I want to stand up."

"Not that one."

Yuri rolled his eyes and sat up straight. With a forced grin and the most stilted voice he could manage, he said, "Pick - me - up - pretty - please."

"There we go." Flynn held out his arms and helped pull Yuri up and out of the tub. He picked up Yuri's discarded clothes and cleared room for him to exit the bathroom. "There's a sandwich for you in the kitchen, but get dressed first."

After dressing, Yuri entered the kitchen and rolled up to the chair-less table setting. A grilled cheese sandwich sat on the plate, deceptively innocent. Yuri poked it and then leaned close to examine the cheese oozing out the sides.

"I promise it's nothing but bread, butter, cheese, and ham." Flynn sat around the corner from him, halfway through his own sandwich.

Yuri's stomach growled, so he caved and gave it a nibble. "Hm…" he said after a few more bites. "Not bad."

"I told you I could manage."

"Fine, you win this time." He tried not to look appreciative as he ate the sandwich. He didn't want to give Flynn any ideas. When he was almost done, he glanced up and saw Flynn watching him with a poorly-contained goofy grin. "What's with you?"

"I really do love you, you know."

Yuri lowered his cheesy crust. "Yeah… I know. Are you sure you're feeling ok?"

"Yeah. I'm really ok."

* * *

Flynn knew he shouldn't be there. This wasn't his job. Despite knowing that, he still found himself walking up to the cell door in Zaphias' prison. "Carter. I want to talk to you."

The cretin lounged on his bed and didn't get up. "A visit from the noble commandant himself? What an honour."

"On your feet."

"What are you gonna do if I refuse?" He took a long wheezing breath. "Throw me in-"  _cough_  - "jail?"

"How well do you know Catherine Bawden?"

Carter raised his neck to give Flynn a confused look. Now Flynn could see just how pale he was, how hollow his cheeks had become. Prison wasn't treating his illness favourably. "Who?"

That answered that question. "I'm sure she'd be devastated to hear you say that. She's under the impression she's your true love."

"Oh!  _Her_!" Carter pushed himself up and sat cross-legged on the hard, narrow bed. He coughed a few times before continuing, a harsh hack that lasted almost a full minute. "How's she doing?"

"She's been arrested for attacking Yuri. But I suppose you wouldn't know anything about that?"

Carter grinned. Flynn hated his grin. "Me? I don't know what you're trying to pin on me now, but I've-" he broke into another coughing fit. "B-been twiddling my thumbs in here."

"We know you've been in contact with her. Your mail is all screened."

"Yes, and I'm sure you'll find I haven't said a single illegal thing to her."

Of course he didn't; Carter would never be that careless. An actual incitement to violence would never make it through the censors, but people like Catherine didn't need direct instructions. She needed hints and implications. A few lines here and there about how how wronged he was, a bit to plant hope that he loved her and they could be together were he out of prison, a passive musing that Yuri escaping justice was causing him emotional duress. This way, Catherine would believe she'd come to the conclusion that Yuri must die on her own, and save Carter from responsibility for her actions. The man could weasel his way out of any charge like a rat. "How many more are there?"

"More what?"

"People you've been setting up as assassins."

Carter held up his hands in innocence. "Why, commandant, I don't have the foggiest idea what you mean."

Flynn crossed his arms. "Fine, don't talk. Your mail is going to be under much more intense scrutiny from now on."

"If you mu-  _hurk_  - must." He coughed a few more times into his sleeve. "Do pass on my condolences to your boyfriend. Almost murdered on the street? How traumatic. I wonder how well his fragile mindset is coping."

Flynn smirked. "Actually, he's doing quite well. Yuri has recovered well and soon everything will be back to normal. Meanwhile, you're still dying of a self-inflicted lung disease."

Carter's smug veneer slipped for a fraction of a second. " _Oh_. How nice for him. You know, no one ever did tell me how he survived. I'm sure he was quite lifeless after I stabbed him."

"Fortune favours the righteous. I'm afraid you're out of luck."

"Have you ever stabbed someone? What am I asking, of course a soldier like you has. You know what I mean, then, when I say how satisfying stabbing him was. When my blade sank into his back and his whole body jerked. You-"

"Have a good day, Mr. Carter." Flynn abruptly marched away. Carter couldn't get satisfaction out of taunting him about Yuri's condition, and since it was clear there was no more information to be gleaned about potential threats, he wasn't going to stick around to give Carter a chance to try to taunt him about stabbing Yuri again. Hearing about Yuri's suffering made his heart heavy, but he refused to let it get to him. Carter was just trying to rile him up the only way he had left. He pictured how content Yuri had been yesterday, and smiled. It didn't matter if Carter wanted to talk about how much Yuri had suffered; Yuri was fine now, and that was what he'd focus on.

* * *

Yuri was reading a book on the couch when Flynn returned. He'd sent Estelle home after lunch. She had been hesitant to leave him, but he insisted all he was going to do all afternoon was read a book and he swore he still felt upbeat after the attack yesterday. She accepted his wish for a chance to be independent, though not before commanding Repede to keep an eye on him. Yuri felt a little betrayed when Repede woofed in agreement, but all the dog had done was nap next to the couch.

"Sorry I'm home so late," Flynn said, kicking off his shoes.

"You did warn me you would be."

Flynn crossed to the couch. "Move your legs over."

Yuri stuck a scrap of paper between his book and set it on the coffee table. "You move them. You're closer."

Flynn raised an eyebrow. "They're attached to you."

"Yeah, but my hands are over here." He waved them in front of his chest. "It's too much of a pain to sit up. It's  _so_  hard to move, you know."

Flynn snorted. "I haven't seen you struggle to sit up in months." Nevertheless, he grabbed Yuri's ankles and sat down, letting Yuri's legs rest on his knees. "Are you actually reading that book?"

"Yeah. I started reading it in the hospital when I couldn't do anything else, but then after I got home everything sort of fell apart and I couldn't focus on the page for more than a few seconds without wanting to throw it across the room." Even though he was feeling optimistic about the future and got out of the house at least once a day, he still found he didn't have as much energy as before. A trip to the market to get food for dinner used to be a footnote on his daily to-do list, but now it was an affair on its own and he felt exhausted by the time he got home. He'd actually cook the food he bought later, but for now he wanted to do nothing but lie on the couch.

"Did you do anything else today?"

"I wrote a letter to Malcolm and dropped it off at the post office." Yuri folded his arms behind his head. "You should make a law that businesses have to have a section of their counters at table level, because I'm pretty tired of trying to talk to people with a counter at my forehead."

Flynn patted Yuri's shins. "I'll bring it up, but I'm afraid I can't make up laws on my own. My job is to enforce them, not create them."

"Too bad."

"Who's Malcolm, though?"

"He's that guy I knew at the hospital. Remember, the quiet guy who glared at you all the time?"

Flynn nodded. "That's right, I remember. Why did you write to him?"

"I promised him I would after he got discharged. With everything fucking around in my head, though, I never got around to it."

"I'm sure he'll appreciate that."

"Yep. So, what's up with you? You never did say why you were going to be late. Who pissed you off?"

"Hm? Why do you say that?"

"Like I can't tell when you're grumpy."

"I stopped at the prison and had a discussion with Carter."

Yuri wrinkled his nose. "That'd do it. What did you want from him?"

"I wanted to know if he's been setting up anyone else as a potential assassin like Catherine. Unsurprisingly, I was unable to get a clear answer from him."

Yuri shook his head in disgust. "Don't even bother with that guy."

"I won't anymore." Flynn sighed and then rested his hands on Yuri's feet, idly rubbing them. A wrinkle appeared between his eyebrows as thoughts swam through his mind. There was that scar around his right eye, too - the one that divided his eyebrow in two and barely missed blinding him. He'd gotten that one fighting Carter, but he'd never mentioned being bothered by having a scar on his face. That was probably because it ended up making him look quite dashing.

Yuri had always believed that scars were something to be proud of because they proved you'd gotten off your ass and done something adventurous. Now, he'd decided there were different kind of scars. There were scars like Flynn's, or the ones he'd had for years, that told thrilling stories of close escapes and bravery. Then there were the scars like the round burns peppering his body, the inch-long line on his back where the knife had gone in, or the disfigured disaster that was his finger. Instead of an exciting story, the only images they conjured up were defeat.

Yuri had once been handsome. He didn't think it was arrogant to think so, just honest. Flynn, certainly, had found him so. But now… well, who would be attracted to someone with ugly scars and a useless sack of bones where legs ought to be? Yuri knew Flynn loved him - his steadfast refusal to turn his back on him even when Yuri had been, admittedly, not a fun person to be around was proof of that - but was he  _attracted_  to him? You could love someone dearly and still have no interest in their naughty bits, such as his relationship with Estelle. It wasn't even an intentional thing; you couldn't decide who got your rocks off. You could love someone emotionally with the intensity of the sun, but if their body didn't excite yours, there wasn't much you could do about it. The fact was, Flynn was as handsome as ever, while Yuri was rocking the 'scarred, out-of-shape cripple' look.

He felt guilty. Flynn wasn't going to leave him over something like this, but it wasn't fair to be in a relationship where only one of them was physically satisfied. He could always break up with Flynn and say they were better as friends so that he'd be free to pursue someone else, but Yuri had tried breaking up with him 'for his own good' too many times while depressed to think it would work.

Yuri had been wrapped up in his thoughts for over a minute when Flynn broke the silence with a question. "Why do you bother wearing socks?"

The sudden question surprised him, and Yuri snorted. "That your big pressing question?"

"Sorry, was that rude?" Flynn continued rubbing his feet, which would have been better if he could feel it. Yuri appreciated the gesture nonetheless.

"I'm worried I'll scratch my foot on a table leg or a loose screw on the chair or something like that. Just an extra layer of protection. Since I wouldn't notice the injury, I might get blood all over the place."

"Is that why you wear shoes, too? I mean, I understand the purpose in winter when going out barefoot is risking frostbite, but now that the weather's warming up, it seems like you could save yourself the time of putting them on and just go barefoot. It isn't like you're going to step on something sharp."

"Yeah, same reason. Bumping into something and breaking a toe would be a pain. Besides, the grip on the shoe helps my legs stay still."

Flynn's pensive gaze turned to Yuri's legs as he idly rubbed the shins on his lap. "What does it feel like when you try to move?"

Yuri raised his eyebrows. "What's with all the sudden questions?"

"To be honest, I've wondered about these things for a while. Even though we rarely agree on things, I've always been able to understand your point of view. We have so many shared experiences, it's not hard to. But this… I can't comprehend it, and I want to be able to see things from your perspective again. In the past, I didn't want to bring it up because I thought you had enough to deal with, but if you're open to talking now…."

Yuri shrugged and then pulled himself up from his slouch. "Sure. Ok, so, moving…" It was tricky to put this into words. How was he supposed to describe 'nothing happens' any more clearly than that? Yet, that simple phrase didn't come close to the level of frustration of trying to move and nothing happening.

"Is it like straining your muscles when you're utterly exhausted, but even more so?"

Yuri shook his head and crossed his arms. "No, it's nothing like that. I can't strain my muscles because they don't move at all. Hm… oh! I've got it. You know that old finger trick? Here, try it." He passed the book to give Flynn a surface to work on.

Flynn set the book on Yuri's legs. "Ok."

"Rest your fingertips on the book with your palm about an inch or so up. Now, fold your middle finger in, so it's resting on its bigger knuckle." Flynn did as told, and then Yuri said, "Now, one at a time, lift your remaining finger tips."

Flynn's thumb, index finger, and pinky wiggled off the book, but his ring finger didn't move.

"Go on, move your ring finger," Yuri said. "Move it. Just lift it up a centimetre. Come on, just lift it up a single tiny centimetre."

Flynn's other fingers fell still as all his focus turned to his ring finger. Flynn's face tightened, his hand shook, and the muscles in his forearm clenched, but the finger remained stubbornly motionless. "I think I see what you mean."

"Right. It's like that, but applied to my whole lower body."

Flynn set the book on the coffee table and then rubbed his hands together. "My finger is mildly sore now, actually."

"Also a good reference point. It's weird, but even though nothing happens when I try to move, I still feel kind of sore and exhausted afterwards." That could be the title of his post-injury biography, actually: _Sore and Exhausted._

"Are you sore now?"

Yuri gave a dark laugh. "I'm  _always_  sore."

Flynn's face fell. "Even right now?"

"Yeah." His back burned and his thighs ached, but all things considered, it wasn't that bad. He'd had worse, and if he paid attention every time he was in pain, he'd never get anything accomplished. "It's like someone lit a fire in my spine. Every now and then it flares up, but usually it's like burning embers in the background."

"I never imagined paralysis would be this complicated. When the doctor first told me, I thought, ok, wheelchair - we can handle that. But that's just the tip of the iceberg, isn't it?"

"Don't get me wrong, the wheelchair thing is also a pain in the ass. Hey, you want to see things from my perspective? Go ahead and take a spin around the living room."

"In your chair?"

"Yeah, go for it." He wondered if Flynn knew how special he was to be offered this. When the chair had first been wheeled into his room, Yuri had wanted nothing to do with it. Now, it had become his lifeline. Without it, he'd be stuck in bed all day and any time he wasn't sitting in it, it was never more than a few feet away. It was a part of him, and he wouldn't let just anybody sit in it.

"Sure, I'd be interested to try."

Flynn pulled the chair away from the couch and settled in. He wasn't really getting the full experience, of course, because he hadn't started with the tedious process of sliding along a wooden bridge with nothing but his arms. Flynn rolled back to the middle of the room and then tried to figure how to turn toward the hallway. It was petty, but Yuri felt a small surge of vindication at watching Flynn struggle. Months of watching Flynn do everything with strength and ease while he struggled to sit upright or get out bed had rocked his confidence, and confirming that Flynn had trouble with it while he still had use of his abs for balance made Yuri feel a lot better.

After a minute of scooting back and forth and rocking around, he finally figured out how to turn himself and then rolled toward the kitchen. Yuri heard him bump into the counter, probably trying to turn around again, and then he reappeared. "This is hard work."

"Tell me about it."

"It really is a lot harder to move on carpet, isn't it?" Flynn studied his floor with a frown.

"It's not too bad. Bumpy cobblestones are the worst."

Flynn made a crooked circle around the living room before coming to a stop by the couch again. "I jammed my fingers against the door frame in the kitchen."

"Poor baby." Yuri grabbed Flynn's wrist and kissed his fingers.

"Wrong hand, stupid."

"Well, excuse me." He did the same to the other. "All better?"

Flynn pulled his hand back without comment. "Does that happen to you a lot?"

Yuri shrugged. "Not too often, because I'm not a clumsy loser and I can actually steer."

"You would be better, considering how much practice you've been forced to have." Flynn hung his head and folded his hands in his lap. "I can't imagine going  _everywhere_  like this. You really are a strong person."

"Well… if you say so." He hadn't felt particularly strong lately. It wasn't like he was still here out of any particular strength. He'd spent most of his recovery so far lying in bed feeling sorry for himself.

"It's strange, isn't it? Carter is in jail, this awful winter is ending, you're pulling yourself out of your rut… everything is going back to normal, except it isn't. And it won't."

Yuri nodded slowly. "Yeah."

Flynn looked up at him. "I always knew your injury was incurable. I admit I had hoped for a miracle for the first few weeks, but for several months now I have logically accepted that it won't happen. Now that things are settling down, though, I'm realizing I didn't truly believe it. In the back of my mind, it always seemed like this was some great trial that we had to overcome and then things would go back to normal again."

Yuri understood Flynn's sentiments exactly. "But now things  _are_  going back to normal, except that I'm still paralyzed."

"It's not a bump in the path - it's a deviation onto an entirely new path. Our old normal doesn't exist anymore. We're never getting it back. Even if we go back to our daily lives, it will never be like it used to be."

"Ever since I woke up in the hospital, paralysis has been the focal point of my life. Moving on to a life where I just go about my day and the fact that I do it in a wheelchair isn't even notable feels… bizarre."

"It will be a new kind of normal."

Yuri didn't want being paralyzed to be 'normal', but he supposed it was better than being depressed. "Well… I'm just glad I don't have to start a whole new status quo on my own."

Flynn smiled. "I agree. I'm not interested in any kind of 'normal' that doesn't include you." He leaned forward to rest his head on Yuri's chest and wrap his arms around him as best he could.

Yuri smirked and set his hand on the back of Flynn's head. "See, I know the new normal will be pretty similar to the old, because you're still a big sap."

Flynn squeezed a little tighter. "I love you, too, Yuri."


	23. Still Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, this is the chapter that made me question if I should mark this story as E. I don't think it's prolonged nor explicit enough to warrant that label, but I'll warn you there's sexual content in this chapter.

Yuri and Repede entered the house. They'd had a pleasant walk around town, for a given definition of walk. Yuri had made a trip to the lower quarter to visit everybody and prove that he was ok and they could stop worrying about him. As he entered, he heard Flynn talking to Estelle.

"Are you sure? Wouldn't that make getting through doors harder?"

"That's what I said, but Rita says the advantages would outweigh the cons."

"I'm sure she knows best. Did she decide what to do about - hello, Yuri!"

He rolled into the kitchen. "Hey. What's up?"

"I came over for dinner. I hope you don't mind." Estelle stood at the stove, stirring a pot.

"'Course not. What were you guys talking about?"

"Nothing important," Flynn said a little too quickly. "Politics."

It hadn't sounded anything like politics, and he glanced suspiciously between his friends. Estelle had a cheery smile that was a little too innocent, but since they both apparently wanted to keep a secret, he wouldn't push it. He'd wait and see if they got a little too annoying about hiding whatever it was. "Cool. What's for dinner?"

"Ravioli!" Estelle said brightly. "I made it myself. They're just a little bit messy, but I think they'll be ok and they'll be done in just a few minutes!"

As Estelle promised, dinner was indeed delicious. They sat around the table sharing stories long after they'd finished eating, though Yuri was a bit put out that Flynn felt it necessary to tell Estelle about his bathtub adventure yesterday. At least Estelle took Yuri's side and scolded Flynn for abandoning him, which Flynn indignantly insisted had been good for Yuri. Yuri assured Estelle he was fine and the argument ended without getting too fiery, so it was unrelated to this when Estelle went home about fifteen minutes later.

"I promised Rita I'd talk to her about a thing," she said. "Sorry to leave you with the dishes!"

"Don't worry about it," Flynn said. "You made such a lovely dinner for us; the least we can do is clean up."

"Ok. Goodbye and goodnight!"

Flynn carried their dishes to the sink. Insistent on helping, Yuri carried his own plate. Flynn could handle the glasses, but a plate at least he could balance on his lap. He'd also let Flynn do the actual washing. Yuri could handle washing dishes if he had to, but reaching the sink faucet was a challenge and he'd rather stick to drying. They washed dishes silently for a few minutes. Flynn handed them off to Yuri and drying them made him feel helpful, even though he knew Flynn used to just let them dry overnight in the sink.

Doing the dishes together was so mundane it felt weird. It was like what he and Flynn had talked about the other day, about life going back to normal. After such a devastating injury, how could life be  _normal_? He almost didn't want to be satisfied. If he let himself be content going about his daily life like this, didn't that mean he accepted paralysis and was ok with it? But he  _wasn't_  ok with it, and he never would be - he didn't even  _want_  to be. Not being depressed was good, but if he didn't stay angry it felt like he was letting his injury win.

There were still other things he could be unsatisfied with, though. Maybe it was because he was starting to settle and had fewer other grievances to mope about. "Hey… Flynn… I've been thinking."

Flynn didn't look up from the dish he was scrubbing. "Uh-oh, that's never a good sign."

"I've been thinking that if you wanted to… to see other people on the side, I'd be ok with that."

That stopped him. His hand froze mid-scrub and he looked down at Yuri in confusion. "What?"

"After how long we've known each other, I know I can trust you. So if you want to see other people, too, I'm cool with having that kind of relationship." He hadn't been prepared for the hurt in Flynn's eyes. What was that look for? He was trying to pacify Flynn, not cause him more distress! Dammit what did he fuck up now? What a useless - he squeezed his nails into his palms before he could finish that thought.

"Why are you suggesting that?" Flynn's voice was soft, uncertain. "Are you asking for my approval to see someone else yourself?"

"What?" Shit, he should have realized it would be interpreted that way. "No, absolutely not. There's no one else I'm interested in, I promise. I just want you to know that you don't have to feel obligated to only ever be with me. You can love me and also have sex with someone else. I'd understand and I don't mind."

"Why do you think I want to sleep with someone else?"

"I think that should be fairly obvious."

Flynn's eyes darted to Yuri's legs and then back to his face. "Yuri, I don't want to cheat on you just because you use a wheelchair. I love you, and not being able to walk doesn't change that."

"You don't have to be in love with someone to have sex with them."

"I want to." He let the dish clink against the sink and dried his hands. "I don't want to sleep with anyone else. I love  _you,_  Yuri."

"I  _know_  that, but it's not fair to you to keep you stuck in relationship with someone you aren't attracted to! We can still be in a relationship, but you can also go to someone else to be physically satisfied."

"I don't  _want_  anyone else! Who ever said I wasn't attracted to you?"

"It's obvious. Ever since I was hospitalized you've barely looked at me that way. You haven't even suggested anything."

Flynn gaped at him for a few moments. "Yuri, I was waiting for you. I thought you needed time to adjust. I didn't want to push you before you were ready."

"Don't give me that crap. Nobody in their right mind is attracted to someone like me. It goes against human nature to want to spread your genes with someone who's broken."

"You're not broken."

Yuri gestured angrily at his legs. "Yes, I am. My spinal cord is broken. That is literally what happened to me."

Flynn's hands came down on his shoulders. "Listen to me, Yuri. I love you, and only you. The only person I want to have sex with is you. I'm not trying to sugarcoat things, I honestly am attracted to you. What, did you think in the past I stopped thinking you were good looking the moment you sat down? Come on." He grabbed the handles of the chair and pushed Yuri toward the entrance.

"Hey! Don't push me!"

Flynn jerked his hands off like they'd been burned. "Sorry - I wasn't thinking."

The only reason Yuri wasn't completely furious was that he could tell by Flynn's face that ordinarily he would have grabbed Yuri and pulled him along by the arm. Yuri might have been complacent at being manhandled by his friends in the past, but now there were few things that pissed him off more. "What is your problem?"

"We're going upstairs."

"What? How and why am I supposed to go upstairs?"

"You think I'm not attracted to you? I've been holding back for months." He stepped around and dropped to his knees in front of Yuri. "Let me prove it to you. Nothing has changed the way I feel about you. We were going to have sex that night before the papers blew everything up, but things kept getting in the way. You left me hanging all those months ago, and I think it's time we finished it."

Yuri stared back at Flynn with hesitation. Did Flynn  _really_  feel that way, or did he just think that admitting he didn't find a cripple sexy made him a terrible person? That didn't even get into Yuri's own uncertainty. Yes, he had desired intimacy with Flynn for over a year now, but that didn't mean he could. He couldn't feel anything down there - was there even a point in trying? He didn't want to let Flynn down again, and he was almost afraid to find out what he could and couldn't do.  "We have to finish the dishes."

"Screw the dishes." Flynn rested his hands on Yuri's knees. "I've been waiting for you to make the first move, but if you've been waiting for me, then this is it. I'm making the first move. I want you, Yuri."

Yuri pushed Flynn away. It was sweet of him to insist he was still attracted to him, but Yuri would rather deal with the truth. The fact was that he was broken. He didn't want Flynn to force himself to try to be intimate with a dead sack of flesh. "No, thanks." He started to turn around, but Flynn caught the chair and pulled him back.

"All right. If you don't want to because you're not in the mood, then yes, fine. Of course we won't. But if it's because you think  _I_  don't want to, then don't make that decision for me. I  _do_  want to, and I want to prove it to you."

He really did mean it, or at least he thought he did. Maybe once they actually tried and Flynn realized just how useless Yuri was in bed he'd change his mind. Once that happened, Yuri would know for sure that Flynn didn't want him anymore, and he wasn't sure if he was ready for that confirmation. What it really came down to was that he was scared. Scared of being rejected, scared of finding out sex would have no meaning anymore.

Ok, so what was it Sarah always said? He was scared of these things, but why? What about these things frightened him? Not being able to get an erection wasn't frightening on its own, what he was really afraid of was confirming that he was useless and broken. If they had sex and it was a disaster, at least he would know and could stop worrying about possibilities. On the other hand, if it  _did_  work out, he'd never have to fear this again. Uncertainty was worse than a negative answer. Since his injury, he'd discovered so many new ways he needed to be brave, and this was another.

"Ok."

"You're sure? I don't want you to feel like I'm coercing you."

Yuri shook his head. "I'm sure. You're right; all this time I've assumed you didn't really want me anymore. If you're sure, though…"

Flynn smiled. "Good. Let's go to my bedroom."

Yuri followed him out of the kitchen. "Why can't we stay down here?"

"Your bed is too narrow. We should do this right."

"Ok, but your bed is up a flight of stairs and unless I sprout wings, that's not happening."

"I'll carry you."

"If you think I can."

"I've carried you before and you've lost weight since then."

"Fine." He rolled down the hall to the stairs. "Go for it."

Flynn stood in front of him and crouched. "Ok, put your arms around my neck." Yuri did and then Flynn reached for Yuri's legs and heaved. Getting a piggy back ride while not being able to feel the arms supporting you was an alarming experience, and Yuri gripped Flynn tighter than he probably needed to. Once he was assured Flynn wasn't going to drop him, Yuri took a chance to look around. With a pang, he realized it was the first time he'd been this far from the ground since Carter kidnapped him. He'd almost forgotten what the world looked like from six feet in the air.

They moved even higher as Flynn scaled the stairs. They went slow, to make sure Flynn didn't lose his balance, but made it to the top without incident. Yuri hadn't been upstairs since last fall, but Flynn hadn't redecorated a bit. The only difference was the rug over the carpet in his bedroom, covering bloodstains he couldn't get out. They crossed this rug and reached the bed, where Flynn turned and sat, letting Yuri fall backward on the bed.

"Well, you didn't think this through," Yuri said. "Now I'm perpendicular to the bed and I'm going to have to move." Moving wasn't too difficult. He thought about the early days in the hospital, when even sitting upright and moving around in bed was a trial. Now, it was hardly any more effort than it would have been using his legs. It was frustrating to think how disabled he still was, but comparing what he could do now to the early days in the hospital, he'd come a long way.

Yuri pulled himself to the head of the bed and leaned back. "Ok, if this is going to work, you're going to need to take the lead here. As much as I'd love to, the closest I'd be able to get to any kind of hip thrusting action is a series of aggressive push-ups."

Flynn straddled him and undid the button on his pants. "That might be useful if you want to get back into shape."

"You know, I hear you can burn a lot of calories having sex. Maybe I should look into this." Yuri grabbed the headboard and pulled himself up just enough so Flynn could pull his pants and underwear off. After he was settled again, Yuri took his shirt off as quickly as he could while Flynn got undressed himself.

Yuri tossed the shirt off the bed and then looked at Flynn kneeling on the bed in front of him. Sometimes he forgot how many scars Flynn had under his clothing as well. Not as many as Yuri, since he actually wore armour in most situations, but enough. There was that jagged line on his knee that was from a stupid stunt when they were sixteen. To this day, Flynn insisted Yuri had been the mastermind, but they both knew it was his fault. That scar over his eye might have a heroic story, but he had more than a few souvenirs of stupidity. These reminders that Flynn was plenty dinged up himself made Yuri feel less self-conscious about all the marks Carter had left.

Flynn descended on him. There hadn't been much time to think about sex or romance in the past couple of months. He'd spent so long assuming his life was functionally over, the idea of living again had seemed a distant dream and the thrill of romance nothing but a memory. He'd even thought he was ok with cutting that out of his life, since he couldn't feel his dick anymore so what was the point?

Now, he realized how stupid he'd been. He couldn't feel Flynn's thighs against his hips as he straddled him, but the hands on his neck and chest were more than satisfactory. As they fought over who was the one kissing versus being kissed, Yuri's mind drifted back to the last time they'd done this, in his chilly room at the Comet in the first days of winter. His desire for physical intimacy had hibernated through the cold and painful winter, but now it awoke like a ravenous eggbear and he found himself wishing he had more hands so he could touch more of Flynn at once.

It must have been even worse for Flynn, Yuri thought as Flynn took short gasps for air between kisses. Unlike Yuri, his sex drive had been wide awake all winter, but he hadn't once mentioned it. Flynn had been right; until recently, Yuri  _hadn't_  been ready, physically or emotionally. That Flynn hadn't made a single suggestion until he was positive Yuri had recovered even though he must have desired it for months reconfirmed his assertion that Flynn was one hell of a catch.

After thinking this, Yuri realized he only felt one of Flynn's hands caressing the back of his neck. Where…? Yuri glanced down and realized Flynn had grabbed him with his other hand, and was now gently stroking. How long had he been doing that?

Yuri caught Flynn's shoulder and then met his eyes. "Hey, what are you doing?" He nodded toward his crotch.

He pulled his hand away. "Uh… is this ok? Sorry, I should have asked."

"I'm not upset, I just don't see the point."

"I thought, even if you can't feel me touching it, getting hard would still feel good. Although…" he glanced down, "it doesn't seem to be going anywhere." He frowned in thought. " _Can_  you still get an erection? Even if it's not sending pleasure signals back to your brain, wouldn't an erection be a physical reaction that just happens on its own?"

Yuri thought for a moment, but he honestly didn't know. This wasn't a subject any doctor had ever broached with him. "I'm… not sure. For now, let's not worry about it." While their mouths were occupied discussing the state of Yuri's hypothetical erection, they weren't kissing and that was a problem. "Don't bother with my dick; it doesn't do anything for me."

"If you insist," Flynn said, and then got straight back to kissing.

There'd been a wall between them while Yuri was depressed. He knew there had been, because he'd purposefully put it there in an attempt to distance his friends so it wouldn't hurt when they inevitably abandoned him. He was ready to tear that wall down now, and Flynn seemed eager to help by getting as close to Yuri as he could. Yuri could feel the heat radiating off Flynn's excited body and by the sweat percolating on his hairline, he must not be too different. This was much different than their last freezing attempt. There was a lot more freedom to move on a king sized bed not constrained by a blanket cocoon, but with a jolt Yuri realized this had some key similarities to their last attempt at making love.

"Flynn!" He grabbed Flynn's shoulders and pushed him back. "Dammit, we still don't have any lube!"

Flynn's face fell and then he let out a long sigh through his teeth. "Shit. It never occurred to me to stock up, and this was so unplanned…."

"I guess we don't  _really_  need it," Yuri suggested. Damn everything, he'd waited too long for this to fall apart now. "It's not like you have to worry about hurting me going in."

"Don't be ridiculous. Even if you can't feel the discomfort, it could still cause damage."

"Yeah, but I won't  _feel_  the damage. Hell, you could stick a knife in there and it wouldn't hurt a bit."

"No! I'm not going to hurt you, even if you wouldn't feel it." Flynn sat up, still straddling Yuri and sitting on his thighs.

Yuri had just a smidgen of envy at the sight of Flynn's erection compared to his own. Mentally his brain raced with heated excitement which spread through his chest and arms as a buzz of anticipation. The memo didn't seem to make it past his injury. Maybe it would catch the drift if they actually started having sex, but that wasn't going to happen if they didn't think of a way out of this mess. He didn't have much hope, because he couldn't think of anything they had now that they hadn't had last time. Apple gels and hand lotions were still out. The only thing different now was that he was paralyzed, but none of the new equipment would help here. A wheelchair wouldn't - wait!

"I have an idea!"

Flynn crossed his arms. "If you suggest an apple gel again-"

"No, no, trust me this time. We  _do_  have lube. Run downstairs to the bathroom. In the cupboard under the sink is my cathing stuff. There's a bottle of lube in there." He usually used it to make getting the tube into his bladder a smoother job, but it would surely work for sex, too.

"And that's ok to use? It won't be harmful?"

"I put it in my dick so it must be safe for my ass, too."

"Ok. I'll go get it." Flynn hopped off the bed. "Don't move."

Flynn was already running out of the room when Yuri asked, "Is that supposed to be a joke?" He half wanted to get off the bed just to be defiant, but the struggle to get back up wasn't worth it. It would kill the mood even more than this poorly-timed lube run would.

A minute later, Flynn ran back into the room. Yuri loved Flynn to pieces and thought he was incredibly good locking, but running around his house buck naked with an erection and a goofy grin were not doing him any favours.

"I got it! What are you grinning at?"

"Oh, nothing. Now get over here."

The bed bounced as Flynn leapt on. "Ok. Now, what do I do?"

"Pour a little on your fingers and then put those fingers inside. Wiggle them around a bit to get everything coated." To make it easier, Yuri grabbed his thighs and pulled them up. As soon as he let go, his feet slid along the blanket. Neither of them said anything as his legs steadily made their way right back where they started with a thump. "Uh…."

He and Flynn shared a look, and then Flynn snickered. "You might want to hold on."

"I should get some tape. Or glue."

"Yuri, I do  _not_  recommend super-gluing your legs together."

In any case, he pulled his legs back once again and this time held them in place.

Flynn positioned himself between Yuri's legs, hands trembling with a mix of nerves and excitement. He glanced between Yuri's face and ass, and then said, "You're sure this is ok? You're definitely all right with having sex tonight?"

" _Yes_ , Flynn, now just go for it. Don't even worry about messing up. There is no way you can possibly hurt me."

Yuri couldn't feel the fingers entering him, but he liked imagining that Flynn was doing a good job. He also liked to imagine that Flynn would get off his ass and finish quickly so he could go back to kissing Yuri's upper-half. While the lower-half might be more interesting to Flynn for sexual purposes, Yuri found the whole region pretty boring. Flynn's hands slipped off Yuri's thighs as he leaned forward. Yuri knew he was in by the expression on his face, but all he cared about was getting Flynn close enough to hold again.

And then he was on him, covering his face and neck in kisses. The way his body rocked against the pillows told him what Flynn was doing, and the buzz filling his chest said he was doing a good job. Flynn's fingers trailed across the hyper-sensitive patches on his lower ribs, and after Yuri gasped in pleasure, Flynn paid them more focus. The swirling pressure teetered in the edge between mildly painful and incredibly satisfying that made his torso squirm.

Yuri had heard that in the absence of sight, other senses became stronger. It seemed it was also true that in the absence of feeling from his groin, everything was amplified across the rest of his body. He'd never paid attention to how pleasure made his hands tingle or his chest tighten. His breathing came quicker as his shoulders pressed against the mattress and arched his spine as much as he could. Flynn's hands trailed fire across his body hot enough to overwhelm any pain in his back.

Flynn jolted and gasped for air. The movement of the mattress fell still as he clutched Yuri. For a long moment he panted motionlessly, and then went back to teasing Yuri's nipples with his mouth.

He couldn't think straight. All he could see was Flynn's face because everything beyond that faded into a blur and pleasure held his mind in its grip. He hadn't thought he would ever feel this way again. Maybe he couldn't feel Flynn's thrusts, but the stimulation was affecting him. It built and built, strumming through his whole body like nothing he'd ever felt before. He locked his arms around Flynn and buried his face in the crook of his neck. Pleasure burst through his mind and he let out a moan, fingers digging into Flynn's back.

Yuri fell back with a long sigh. "That was good."

Flynn sat up. "Are you done?"

"Think so." It was the weirdest orgasm he'd ever had. It had been nothing like what he used to experience, but still really damn good.

"You were actually hard, you know. Not especially, but something was happening."

"Oh, huh." Even still, he hadn't actually come. He supposed that made the whole thing neater, at least. "Do you suppose if we had a lot of sex, eventually my dick would get hard like normal?"

"I'm not sure. We could always try."

"We probably should. You know, for science."

"Yeah, for science." Flynn rolled to the side and wrapped his arms around Yuri.

Yuri pushed against the headboard to wiggle down the bed, so he was lying down. He pressed himself into Flynn's arms and couldn't shake a smile. That had been different, but still good. A lot of things were turning out to be like that. Cooking was different, but still good. Going for a walk was different, but still enjoyable. His relationship with Flynn had changed, but if anything it was better than ever. He'd rather be able to walk, but as long as he couldn't, he supposed he could live with things like this.

"I love you," Flynn murmured into his ear.

"I know. Sorry I've done a shit job of reciprocating lately."

"It's ok." He squeezed Yuri tight. "I love all of you, you know. I don't care about scars or skinny legs. It was your heart I fell in love with, and that hasn't changed. I love you standing up or sitting down, injured or healthy, happy or sad, and nothing will ever change that."

For the thousandth time, Yuri considered how phenomenally lucky he was to have someone like Flynn. Yuri had never been a poet, and he couldn't begin to imagine how to put his emotions to speech. There was no way he could fathom the words to express how thankful he was to Flynn for standing by him all winter, for putting up with his shit, for doing everything in his power to try to help Yuri cope even when Yuri wasn't even willing to  _try_  coping. Instead, he twisted around to face Flynn and gave him a long kiss. By Flynn's beaming face when it was over, he got the message.

* * *

Yuri woke up to see Flynn frantically tugging his pants on. Metal jangled as he tightened his belt and then glanced back at Yuri in bed.

"Sorry, forgot to set my alarm last night. I was supposed to be at work five minutes ago!"

Yuri glanced at the clock and winced. "Better get moving."

"I have a meeting in ten minutes! See you when I get home, love you, bye!" Flynn dashed out of the room, one hand trying to straighten his tousled hair.

Yuri yawned and closed his eyes. He could probably still get another hour or so of sleep. Just as he was starting to fall asleep again, his eyes snapped open when he realized he was in a bit of a pickle. He pushed himself up and then stared out the open bedroom door to the upstairs hallway. His wheelchair was still downstairs. "Ah, shit."

Would Flynn realize his mistake? He'd probably realize what he'd done halfway to work, but Yuri didn't expect him to turn around and he didn't want him to. Flynn had an important meeting, and Yuri didn't want to be the one to make him any later than necessary. He'd sort this out on his own.

Yuri dragged himself to the edge of the bed and considered his options. He could always roll over, go back to bed, and trust that Flynn would come home as soon as possible to help him out. The trouble with that was that Yuri was on a schedule and downstairs was a catheter with his name on it. As frustrating as it was to admit, if he didn't take care of this on schedule, Flynn was going to come home to a very embarrassing mess on his bed. Staying here was not an option. He could probably wait another hour or so before it was an emergency, but he didn't want to have to figure this out on a tense time limit. It was time to get down on his own.

He took a deep breath and rolled. There was no easy way to get off a bed and he hit the floor with a loud  _thump!_  His elbow hurt, but he lay still and got his breath back for a few seconds and the pain faded. At worst it was probably a bruise. Now he just had to get downstairs and get into his chair… something he hadn't actually managed to do by himself yet, but there was a first time for everything.

Yuri used his forearms to army crawl out of the bedroom. It wasn't exactly a crawl since his legs were dead-weight, but he managed to drag himself all the way down the hall to the stairs. Ah, the stairs. His nemesis. For too long had he lived in the stairs' thrall. It was time to show those steps who was boss.

He'd done this as a kid, although admittedly it was easier when he could move his legs. Still, it wasn't too difficult to balance on his hands and scoot down on his butt, pausing at every step to manoeuvre his legs further down the steps. Repede came over to see what all the thumping was about and met him at the base of the stairs.

"Hey, Repede. Want to give me a hand?"

Repede trotted over and let Yuri wrap his arms around his neck. Yuri held on tight as Repede pulled him off the bottom step and dragged him around the corner to his waiting chair. Sitting on the ground next to it, Yuri sized it up. He knew the technique, but wasn't sure he had the arm strength to accomplish it. Repede sat back and watched as he grabbed the chair and punched the ground, but then fell back to the floor.

"Dammit!" He was so close. He was able to get his butt within an inch of the seat, but in that last little bit, gravity overtook him. The chair was too damn high. He could pull himself onto something lower, but a chair still eluded him. His eyes fell on the coffee table across the room. Something lower, huh?

Yuri pulled himself across the floor. "Repede, can you push the chair over here?"

Repede brought it over while Yuri grabbed the edge of the coffee table. This was a few inches lower than his chair, so maybe…

He heaved. With his legs pulled up acting like a brace and his arms straining, he managed to lift himself and twist so he landed on the edge of the coffee table. "Yeah!" He punched the air. "Who's helpless now?!" From here, it wasn't too difficult to scoot a few more inches up to get into the chair. It was the happiest he had ever been to be seated in a wheelchair, and though he was mildly sore from all the effort, the euphoria from success made it feel like he was floating. "Come on, Repede, let's make breakfast."

In the kitchen, all the tools he needed were easily within reach. He pulled a wooden cutting board onto his lap to dice a pepper and slice a piece of leftover ham. Half the meat he tossed to Repede, while the rest got poured into an omelette. Yuri rolled around the kitchen briskly, getting a little thrill with every task he accomplished. He even washed his dishes, just to prove he could. The faucet was annoyingly hard to reach, but he managed.

After getting everything taken care of, Yuri grabbed the dumbbell Karol had given him from his room and returned to the living room to work out. He was tired of not being strong enough to do things. Being able to hold his own in a fight with Flynn was a distant dream, because it just wasn't possible to spar on equal footing when one of the participants didn't have any footing, but he could at least minimize the assistance he needed from other people. He hated asking his friends to pick him up, so getting strong enough that he didn't need that anymore was his number one goal.

Flynn slunk into the house a few hours later, looking guiltier than the time his mom caught him with a face covered in strawberry juice after telling him those were being saved for a special occasion. He stopped short when he saw Yuri in the living room. "Yuri! Uh… hi."

"Nice of you to show up." Yuri crossed his arms and glared at him. He wasn't really mad, but watching Flynn squirm was amusing.

"Yuri… I am  _so_  sorry. This meeting was very important and I wasn't thinking clearly this morning. I realized what I'd done as soon as I got to the castle, but I didn't have time to go back. I'll make it up to you, I swear."

Yuri's glower cracked and he laughed. "Damn, you look  _guilty_."

Flynn was started by Yuri's laughter. "I - what? I feel awful."

"Don't worry about it. I got out of bed fine, didn't I?"

"Actually, I was wondering about that."

"Looks like I'm more independent than I thought. 'Course, I don't know if I'd want to make a habit out of that."

Flynn crossed to the couch and sat down. "I really am very sorry."

"Don't be. This is actually a good thing."

Flynn raised his head. "It is?"

"Sure. Now whenever you get mad at me, I can remind you of the time you abandoned me on the second floor far away from my wheelchair."

Flynn closed his eyes with a smile. "I guess I deserve that."


	24. Relapse

Sometimes Yuri visited the catacombs in his dreams. In some of them, his subconscious offered different scenarios and ways things could have gone differently. If he'd fought back in a certain way, or said something different, and then the dreams ended with him walking out with a grin. Yuri woke up thinking these were the worst sort of dreams, because they made him angry with reality. There was no use trying to think about what might have been, and dreaming about kicking Carter in the face just left him frustrated.

Then there were the dreams that explored the other sort of 'what-if' questions. Thoughts of what could have happened if Flynn didn't come, things Carter might have done but thankfully hadn't, or exaggerations of reality. The worst sort were the ones that fucked with his head and suggested that everything since waking up in the hospital was an elaborate hallucination and he was actually still down there. Other times he dreamed he was bleeding on the ground in the catacombs, only for his brain to remember that was wrong and fast-forward to the present, where Carter was somehow in Flynn's house and Yuri was once again bleeding on the ground. When he woke up sweating from this sort of dream, he felt so small and immobile that he'd take the frustrating ones any day.

When Yuri woke up about half a week after his night with Flynn, he stared at the ceiling with watery eyes. Scowling, he scrubbed them dry with his sleeve. It had been one of the latter sort of dreams.

Flynn was bustling around in the kitchen. They hadn't shared a bad last night, and hadn't in the past couple of nights, either. Yuri missed the comfort, but he enjoyed proving to himself that he wasn't reliant on Flynn just to sleep. He wanted sharing a bed with Flynn to be an  _option_  and not a necessity, and thankfully Flynn understood this and wasn't offended when Yuri asked to spend the night alone. The scent of burning toast drifted to his room, and Yuri sighed. He should get out of bed and give Flynn a hand. He would get out of bed in just a second, he just… needed to lie here for a little.

Five minutes later, he still hadn't gotten out of bed and he realized that the prospect of doing so made him want to smother himself with a pillow to avoid it.  _Fuck. Not this again_. He pressed his pillow over his face to smother a frustrated groan.

"Morning." Flynn popped his head around the curtain. "You still in bed?"

Yuri pulled the pillow away and forced his face into a smile. "Yeah, I'm just a bit tired today." Don't let Flynn know. If Flynn knew he'd sunk back into the desire to melt into the mattress and disappear, he'd be devastated.

"I need to get going, but I left breakfast in the kitchen for you. Don't lie around too long."

"I won't."  _Ask Flynn for help you stupid asshole. You know you're not going to get out of bed on your own_. "See you this afternoon."  _Flynn's going to come home at lunch and you're still going to be lying here and then what are you going to say?_

Shut up.

Flynn left, and Repede gave him a look.

"What?"

Repede rested his head on the side of the bed and growled.

"Shove off."

He grabbed the blanket in his teeth and pulled. "Hey!" Yuri grabbed it and yanked it back. "No one asked you for help."

Repede barked at him, and he rolled onto his side. "Not today, Repede."

This was so stupid. Wasn't he all better now? Just yesterday he'd felt totally fine, so why was he unable to think about the concept of life without his brain going 'fuck, no.' He felt as awful as ever and pulled the blanket over his head. What if getting better had just been a fluke? His mind just let him see a glimpse of feeling ok so that it would hurt so much more when he was back to wondering how long he'd have to lie totally still for moss to grow and swallow him up.

Repede was still growling at him. He should get up. It wasn't just an issue of leaving bed being good for him, he had things to do. Namely, he needed to cath. In the past, when Flynn knew he was trying to merge with the pile of blankets and fade out of existence, he dutifully ensured that at the very least, Yuri's physical needs were met. But Flynn had left him now ( _just like he'll leave you for good when he gets home and realizes you're never going to get better_ ) and the very thought of dragging himself out of bed and to the bathroom felt like someone was asking him to go mountaineering. Even sitting up enough to lean out of bed and get his drugs out of the side nightstand seemed like too much work. His jerking legs weren't  _that_  annoying today. He could handle it.

 _I'll get up later_.

Yeah, later. He'd just lie here for a bit and build up the energy to get out of bed. Five minutes, tops.

The next time Yuri opened his eyes, he had no idea how long it had been but a sneaking suspicion said it had been longer than five minutes. He  _really_  needed to get up now. Then he smelled something, and realized it was too late to worry about cathing.

"Fuck," he whispered. " _Damn_  it!" He jerked to his side and buried his head under the pillow, wishing to simply cease existing. What kind of a baby wet the bed? He was pathetic. Gross.  _Toddlers_  could handle this. He needed to get up so he could clean this mess before Flynn got home and saw his shame, but now that getting up meant hassling around cleaning sheets and the mattress, he wanted to do it even less.

It would be so much easier to just die and not have to deal with the effort and humiliation.

He imagined Flynn coming home, happy and smiling, and finding him dead on the floor. Ugh, he couldn't do that to Flynn. Besides, then Flynn would have to clean up the blood, and then he'd notice the stain on the mattress and have to clean that, too. Everyone would know. He'd be remembered as the guy who wet the bed and killed himself out of shame. His humiliation would be preserved for posterity forever.

Ok, so dying was out. All there was to do was to get up, clean himself up, and pretend it never happened. But… it wasn't like this was an immediate concern. He couldn't  _feel_  the wet patch, so he didn't really mind waiting until he had the energy to get up. Sure, it made him a disgusting slob, but he was already a pathetic mattress lump so what difference did it make? He'd take care of it later.

* * *

Sodia stopped Flynn on his way out. "Good afternoon, sir. Are you heading home now?"

"I was going to." He wondered how long he could use Yuri as an excuse to work from home. He got a lot more done without people coming in to distract him, but that also meant people were getting frustrated with how unavailable he was. Once Yuri was back to normal, he would have to start staying at the castle all day again. "Is something wrong?"

"I just found out that something has happened with Carter."

His eagerness to finish the conversation and continue out the door paled. "What kind of a 'something'?"

"He's been transferred to the prison medical bay. Apparently he's stopped taking his medication and developed trouble breathing."

Flynn stopped the part of him that wanted to say 'good'. "Why?"

"No one knows. The theory is that he's grown tired of prison and decided to kill himself by letting his illness take him."

Flynn was sorely tempted to say they ought to let him control his life if he wanted, but of course they couldn't do that. If he let prisoners die and did nothing to help them, that would set an awful precedent. "Well… I guess all we can do is… wish him a speedy recovery."

"Yes, sir. I believe the doctor on staff at the prison is doing his best to care for him. We can always wish him luck."

"Right. Wish him luck. Thank you for letting me know." Flynn walked away, still grumpy. If Carter wanted to die, he should have admitted to his crimes and let them hang him. It would have been far quicker than succumbing to lung failure. The bastard seemed to go back and forth on what he wanted. First he wanted Flynn to kill him, then he didn't want to be executed, and now he was ready to die again? Couldn't he have just offed himself in the first place and saved them all the trouble? Whatever the case, Flynn felt like an awful person for hoping Carter died soon, but it would be a huge weight off his shoulders to know he was rotting in the ground.

"Flynn!" Estelle rushed down the hall toward him. Stopping before him, she said, "Thank goodness I caught you. I thought I wouldn't have time to say goodbye."

"Oh, that's right, you and Rita are leaving today." He'd been so busy he almost forgot. "When do you think you'll be back?"

"Hm, probably in a week or so. It will take a few days to reach Dahngrest by carriage, but we can come back with Ba'ul." She smiled brightly and added, "I can't wait to see Yuri's face when he sees what we got for him. He's going to be so happy!"

"I think so, too. Are you leaving right now?"

"Yes! Rita is already waiting. She said I didn't need to say goodbye again since I saw you both last night, but I wanted to anyway. Say goodbye to Yuri for me!"

"I will. Have a safe trip."

Estelle gave him a quick hug and then ran off. Flynn shared her excitement for the project she and Rita were bringing back from Dahngrest. Yuri's mood had been steadily improving for weeks, and he knew this would be another big boost.

When he got home, he hung his coat up by the door, kicked off his shoes, and headed toward the kitchen to see what Yuri had cooked up today. The kitchen was empty and the bathroom door hung open, so by process of elimination Yuri must be in his room. Flynn knocked on the doorway and pushed the curtain away. "Hi, what's - do you feel ok?"

Yuri lay on his side, facing the wall. "I'm just kind of tired today."

Repede growled and then looked to Flynn with a whimper. Yuri's legs spasmed and Flynn looked to the chair sitting by the bed. "Have you been out of bed at all today?"

Yuri hesitated and then said, "Sure."

Repede growled again and Flynn walked to the side of the bed. He noticed a smell and frown. "Yuri… what's wrong? Why haven't you gotten out of bed?"

"I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

"You're not sick, are you?"

"I said, I'm  _fine_."

Flynn grabbed his shoulder and rolled him onto his back. He rested the back of his hand on Yuri's forehead and said, "Hm… well, you're a little warm. You need to get up so I can wash the sheets."

"I'll take care of it myself."

"Have you taken any of your medication today?"

"Yeah."

Flynn opened the cupboard and did a quick count of bottles. "No, you haven't. No wonder you're in pain. You haven't eaten, either, right?"

Yuri grumbled something under his breath.

Flynn fell onto the bed and rested his arm on Yuri's shoulder. "What happened, Yuri? I thought you were feeling better."

"I  _was_."

"I know you just talked to Sarah yesterday, but do you think you should go back today? Maybe she can help."

"No." He turned his head away. "Don't think I'll go day after tomorrow, either."

"What? Yuri, you need to see her now more than ever."

"What's the point? Obviously it isn't working."

"It was working, you're just… having a bad day."

Yuri pulled his arms up and folded them over his face. "I don't want to put all this effort into getting a couple weeks of feeling ok and then losing it. It hurts more than just staying consistently bleh."

Flynn struggled to keep from getting frustrated. They'd worked hard to get Yuri to a point where he was basically happy, and now it had slipped away without warning. That meant he was going to be stressed again, and he'd spend more time at home to make sure Yuri was ok, and this whole mess was really inconvenient for him. Yuri was at least partially in control of his feelings, whereas Flynn just had to deal with the emotions he came up with. Flynn, of course, didn't dare voice these irritations and wanted to punch himself for even thinking them. He knew it wasn't Yuri's fault, but he was still frustrated with the entire situation.

"This is just a stumble. You didn't give up sword fighting for good the first time you fell over, did you?"

"Hrm…"

"Talk to Sarah. It'll be good for you."

"If it'll make you happy."

"For now, let's focus on what we can do. You need to take your medication and eat something, and then take a bath."

"I don't feel like it."

"Too bad." He pulled out the bottles and set them on the nightstand. "Drink up. You'll feel better, I promise." Yuri glared at him but did as told. As he downed the drugs, Flynn said, "You may be happy to hear that Carter is ill."

Yuri lowered an orange bottle. "Oh, yeah?"

"Apparently he's stopped taking his medication. Theory is he's hoping to speed his death."

"Good. Just a shame he won't suffer longer."

"Go take a bath and then I'll make sandwiches for lunch. Maybe you'll feel better when you're fresh and clean. I'll clean up your bed."

"No, you shouldn't have to do it."

"Yuri, really, I don't mind. I can do it so much faster than you."

This was the wrong thing to say, because Yuri's muscles tightened and he turned his head away. "Right. Yeah. 'Course."

"Yuri… I didn't mean that you couldn't do it. I know you can. I just want to help, and I can do it while you're in the bath, but if you'd feel better doing it yourself…"

Yuri pushed himself up. "No, you're right, you can do it faster. It'll be easy for you." He dragged himself to his wheelchair and slid across the board to get in. "I'll take a bath. Sorry I'm disgusting."

"You're not disgusting."

Yuri ignored him and rolled out of the room. Flynn sighed and stood to clean the bed.

* * *

Two days later, Yuri woke up and stared at the ceiling. He felt… light. "What the  _hell_  was that?" he muttered and rolled out of bed. Ten minutes later, dressed, hair combed, and ready for the day, he rolled into the kitchen. "Hey."

"Good morning. How do you feel today?"

"Significantly better." It was bizarre. Yesterday he'd wanted to crawl into a hole and die, and today he… well, he didn't feel fantastic but compared to yesterday, it was amazing.

"Are you still going to talk to Sarah today?"

"Yeah. I probably should. Can't say I - what the hell are you doing?"

Flynn looked up from his bowl as he poured hot coffee into it. "Making oatmeal."

Yuri pushed himself closer. "Are you making oatmeal with coffee instead of hot water or milk?"

"I started doing this as a way to save time. This way I don't have to heat up water separately."

"Let me see that." He grabbed the bowl off the counter so he could look inside and found a goopy brown mess. "This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen."

"It's actually not bad," Flynn insisted. "It tastes like really thick coffee, so you can drink and eat at the same time." He pulled the bowl back and finished stirring, then scooped a spoonful to his mouth. Yuri watched in horror as the mushy coffee disappeared into his mouth.

"How could you do that? You  _kiss_  me with that mouth!"

"So? It's my breakfast; I'll eat what I want."

"Because now every time you kiss me I'm going to be thinking about what else has been there. Seriously, do you actually not have taste buds?"

Flynn swallowed another scoop, set the bowl on the table, and leaned forward. "Don't be so dramatic and give me a kiss."

"Get away from me, you disgusting freak."

He raised his arms in defence as Flynn came at him. His greatest disadvantage was that he couldn't use his arms as a shield and back up at the same time. Flynn fought to get past his arms while Yuri twisted his head this way and that. Yuri shoved him, which caused him to roll backward. Flynn took advantage of his surprise to sweep around to the side, lean in, and plant a kiss on Yuri's cheek.

"Your breath smells like oaty coffee." Yuri wrinkled his nose and wiped his cheek.

Flynn laughed and then asked, "Do you want something for breakfast? I can cook eggs."

"No, thanks, I'm afraid you'd pour coffee on them. Don't you need to get to work?"

"Yes, actually. Are you sure you're all right by yourself?"

Yuri reached across the counter for the frying pan that was always left out. "I'll be fine. Go get your stuff done and I'll see you at lunch."

"Ok." Flynn shovelled the rest of his awful creation into his mouth as Yuri prepared to make eggs. When he was done, he rested his hand on Yuri's shoulder for a moment and said, "Have a good day."

* * *

Yuri was quite familiar with Sarah's study by now. He was familiar with the therapist herself, too, and had to admit she wasn't all that bad. He was more unhappy with himself for needing a therapist than he was with her for being one.

"So, how are you today?" she said as she sat down.

He sat in an armchair opposite her. She always offered to move things to make space for his wheelchair, but he liked sitting in the proper chair. It made him feel more normal, even if he did have to go through the effort of transferring. Luckily, the chair was the same height as his wheelchair so he'd reached a point where he could transfer between them without needing to use the board as a bridge. "Well…  _today_  I feel all right."

"As opposed to yesterday?"

"The day before yesterday, I just felt… I don't know, like all this improvement never happened."

"Did you feel suicidal?"

Yuri pressed himself into the corner of the chair. He  _hated_  talking about this. It wasn't Sarah's fault and he knew talking things over with her did ultimately help, but getting through the conversation was agony. "Yeah," he grunted. "Thought I'd rather die than get out of bed." That sounded so melodramatic and pathetic.

"And do you still feel that way?"

He shook his head. "No. That morning I woke up feeling like someone had dropped a load of bricks on me, yesterday I felt tired and angry, and today I feel… all right. What the hell is with that? It just hit me over the head and then left as suddenly."

"It's normal to experience bumps along the way. The journey toward recovery isn't a straight line. You had the same with your physical recovery, didn't you? Things were going well, and then your health took a turn for the worse and you had to make up the lost steps. But, even though you faltered along the way, you did get progressively better."

Yuri folded his arms tightly against his stomach. "Just how many of these 'bumps' do you think I'm gonna have?"

"I can't say. It's different for everybody."

"It's eventually going to stop right?"

He didn't like the face she made.

"Seriously?" Yuri withheld a growl of frustration. "This is another of those 'sorry, you're fucked forever' things?"

Sarah gave him a sympathetic smile. "It will likely become increasingly rare for episodes to flare up, but yes. You will always be at risk for depressive episodes. In the past couple of months, your brain basically created a door that allowed these thoughts and feelings in. You're now working on closing that door, but even after you lock it shut, the door will always be there."

"Now that's just dandy." He fought the urge to bury his face in his hands. All he wanted was for life to go back to normal. He'd accepted that that could never happen physically, but he'd really hoped that eventually his mind would be all straightened out and he could put this behind him. Worst of all, he could apparently just wake up like this with no warning. What if it happened at a bad time? What if he was in the middle of a mission - assuming they found one he could actually participate on - and part way through he suddenly lost all will to live? He'd seen how frustrated his relapse had made Flynn even though he tried to hide it; if they kept happening, Flynn would eventually get exhausted with dealing with his depression all the time and abandon him. That was a good thing, actually, because Flynn had enough on his plate without dealing with a chronically suicidal cripple boyfriend.  _Fuck_.

"Yuri? Are you all right?"

He'd spaced out, and now he clenched and unclenched his fists. "I'm…" Instinct drove him to say 'fine', but he was paying Sarah ( _no, Estelle and Flynn are paying you useless freeloader…_ ) to listen to him talk about how he wasn't fine, so he swallowed the answer.

"You look distressed. Are you worried about dealing with this in the future?"

"I'm…" His legs twitched. Damn, they'd been doing that a lot today. He had taken his meds this morning, but sometimes even that wasn't enough to suppress the spasms. He rubbed his thighs to try to calm them down and give his mind something else to focus on. "I'm kind of scared," he muttered.

"Can you pinpoint what you're afraid of?"

"Well… yeah, but it's really dumb. It's that thing about Flynn abandoning me. Gah, it's so  _stupid_. Of course he wouldn't, and it's not like I can't take care of myself even if he did."

"You care about him a lot, don't you?"

"Sure."

"You don't have to fear for your wellbeing to fear losing him. Not wanting to miss someone you love is a perfectly legitimate fear."

"Except it's not, because I know Flynn isn't going to leave me over this. Heh, trust me, if he was going to ditch me, it would be over some crap I pulled, not this." He punched his twitchy thigh. "That's why this is so annoying. I know this fear is completely irrational, but it keeps popping up in my head."

"Hm… you said you don't have a father, right?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe being abandoned at such a young age implanted that fear in the back of your mind. Ever since you were a baby, you've known that the people who are supposed to care about you the most can walk out. Even your mother abandoned you, even though she didn't want to. That fear could be deeply ingrained, even if you don't consciously think about it."

"Is that what this is? I have daddy issues?"

"I don't know if I'd phrase it like that, but I think your relationship with your parents - or lack of one - has impacted your life to some degree."

He sighed. "Great. How do I fix it?"

"It's not something to fix. You are not broken. I think it would help, though, to recognize where these feelings may be coming from to help remind yourself they're irrational."

"Ok, so even without worrying about driving Flynn away, random bouts of hating myself aren't exactly something to look forward to." His legs twitched again and he pressed them into the seat with annoyance. "That sort of scares me, too. I'm afraid it could strike at random, especially at a really sensitive time."

"All right, let's try to figure out what prompted it. Did you do anything the day before?"

"Nothing out of the ordinary."

"What about during the night? Did you have a nightmare?"

Yuri frowned. "Well… yeah, but I've had similar nightmares in the past."

She folded her hands in her lap. "Tell me about it."

"I was in the catacombs. It wasn't a recreation of what happened, because in the dream I was crippled. I could see the exit, but my hands were tied so I couldn't crawl. There was a lot of blood. Then suddenly I was in my bedroom instead. Somehow Carter had gotten in and I couldn't get out of bed." Yuri stared out the window over her shoulder, feeling silly talking about nightmares like a scared little boy. "Then Flynn was there, and Carter attacked him instead. There was blood everywhere, but I couldn't move to help him. I woke up shortly after that."

Sarah nodded slowly. "You're still afraid of Carter."

"It's so stupid, though!" He punched the arm rest. "He's in prison. We beat him. His health is deteriorating and he's gonna die soon. There's no reason to be afraid of him." And yet…. Why was this one stupid bastard ruling his life like this?

"When was the last time you saw him in person?"

"At the trial." That cocky son of a bitch's smile flashed through his mind and Yuri couldn't keep the scowl off his face.

"It might be a good idea to visit him in prison. Seeing him behind bars might help your brain accept that he's not a threat anymore."

"Hm, maybe. It still bugs me just to think he's alive, though. I'm pissed off because he should have hanged for what he's done."

"You feel you haven't been properly avenged?"

Yuri waved his hand. "It's not about me. It's about the little girl he murdered. It's about all the other people he killed. He's in prison for attempted murder, so at least he's being punished for what he did to me. But everyone else who suffered even more… their families don't even get that. Sometimes I hope he does escape from prison, because then the Knights will have an excuse to kill him."

"Maybe daydreaming about Carter escaping is what prompted you to dream about him getting out and attacking you."

"Ugh, maybe." He shivered even though the room was warm.

"Are you feeling all right?"

"Huh?"

"You look a little pale."

Yuri rubbed his face and discovered it felt warm and sweaty. "You know, I think I might be coming down with something." It would explain why he now felt like curling up in bed and sleeping for the rest of the day, and it had nothing to do with wanting to escape the world. Usually when contemplating getting up, his body said yes but his mind said no. Now, his mind was perfectly willing to spend the rest of the morning grocery shopping in the market, but his tired muscles wanted to lie down and nap.

"Why don't we call it a day and you can go home and rest. Maybe your body sensed the oncoming illness and that's what kicked off your bout of depression in the first place."

"Could be."

"Do you feel all right to head home on your own?"

"Yeah, I can manage." He still had the strength to transfer into his chair, even though one of his legs chose the wrong time to kick out and he fell the last bit. "Thanks for today."

She smiled. "Just doing my job. I'm glad you're getting better, but go home and rest and don't let this cold get too bad. The last thing we need is for your physical health to deteriorate again."


	25. Heating Up

Yuri woke up in the middle of the night. At first he wasn't sure what had awoken him, but then an awful feeling swept over him. It took him a moment to pinpoint what it was because he was used to this feeling originating in his stomach, but he couldn't feel that so instead the nausea focused in his head. Yuri groaned and rolled on his side. His blanket was pulled up to his chin and he was still shivering. Damn, this crummy feeling was not a simple cold like Sarah guessed this morning. In fact, he was gonna -

He dragged himself to the side of the bed and reached for his chair. It took him a frustratingly long time to get upright and once he was there he fell over again as the wave of dizziness threw off his precarious balance. When he was up again, he gripped the armrest and pushed himself to the seat. Then his legs spasmed, his arms shook, and he toppled to the floor. Yuri landed with a grunt and Repede whined at him.

"Ugh… Repede… go get… Flynn." He hated to wake him in the middle of the night, but he was currently lying on the floor, shivering and sweating at the same time, barely holding in the urge to vomit. He heard Repede barking upstairs, and then pounding footsteps. Yuri tried to grip the floor and pull himself toward the bathroom, because he feared Flynn wouldn't make it in time. His arms were too shaky to pull him more than a couple of inches forward.

"Yuri!" Flynn ran into the room. "What happened? I'll help you get back to bed."

Yuri shook his head. "No - bathroom. Gonna -" He clamped his hand over his mouth. Every opening of his mouth risked throwing up.

Flynn understood and grabbed him under the arms. Yuri slid over the floor as Flynn dragged him across the hall and to the bathroom. They had just made it to the toilet when Yuri lost control and threw up. Flynn pulled his hair away from his face and let Yuri lean on him, because he was still lying awkwardly sideways and clinging to the toilet to keep himself up.

"Looks like you're sicker than you thought."

Yuri grunted, but didn't say anything else because his stomach was trying to escape through his mouth.

"Did you eat something bad, maybe?"

Yuri snorted and in his brief reprieve from vomiting mumbled, "Nothing worse than your coffee."

"My coffee was delicious, thank you very much."

At long last, there was nothing left in Yuri's stomach. Flynn helped him lean against the cupboard under the sink and then handed him a damp cloth and a glass of water. "How do you feel?" he asked once Yuri had cleaned up.

Yuri shivered again. "Awful."

Flynn watched him for a few seconds and then said, "You need to see a doctor."

"What? It's just a bug or something."

"Maybe. What if it's something else? I want you to see a doctor."

A doctor might tell him he needed to stay in the hospital again, and that was not an option. "No."

Flynn understood his hesitance. "I'll have a doctor come here. You won't have to go to the hospital."

"Ugh, fine."

"Are you ok to go back to bed?"

He nodded mutely. Keeping his eyes open was a struggle.

Flynn dragged him back across the hall and then pulled him into bed. He leaned over and rested his lips on Yuri's forehead, and then pulled away with a frown. "You definitely have a fever."

"Yippe for me," he mumbled.

Yuri zoned out and might have fallen asleep for a minute, because suddenly Flynn was holding a bucket and a towel.

"I'll leave these here so you don't have to get out of bed." He draped the towel over the pillow and set the bucket on the nightstand. After pulling the blanket up to Yuri's chin, he said, "I'll be on the couch in case you need anything."

"No…. You have work tomorrow - go sleep."

"I'll be fine. I'm not going to sleep well if I'm upstairs worrying about you down here, am I? Get some sleep and I hope you feel better tomorrow."

* * *

When Flynn woke up that morning, he was certain he'd fallen asleep only fifteen minutes earlier. The couch was less comfortable than he had thought, plus he kept waking up every time Yuri tried to get out of bed. Yuri didn't like the idea of throwing up in a bucket, and kept trying to transfer and make it to the bathroom. Flynn was sure Yuri had fallen on the floor more times last night than he had in the past month, and every time Flynn rushed to the room as soon as he awoke to the sound of a thump. Yuri kept insisting he go back to bed and not worry about him, but getting from floor to bed was a challenge for Yuri on the best of days, let alone when he was exhausted and ill. The only good thing Flynn had to say about the night was that at least it was only coming out one end.

Flynn dragged himself off the couch with a yawn. Today was not going to be a good day. When he reached Yuri's room, he leaned against the door frame and closed his eyes for a moment. He started to take a deep breath, but stopped because that bucket by the bed desperately needed emptying. "How… are you?"

"Hot. But also cold." Yuri had managed to tangle sheets around himself even without kicking his legs. His face was pale and gleamed with sweat while lying on his back with his eyes closed.

Flynn crossed the room while barely opening his eyes and then rested the back of his hand on Yuri's clammy forehead. "Yeah… your fever hasn't gotten any better." He covered his mouth as a yawn overtook him. "I think… I'm gonna take a sick day." The last time he'd taken a sick day was… well, so long ago he couldn't remember. As much as he hated to miss work, Estelle had gone out of town and he'd feel awful leaving Yuri alone like this. He wouldn't be able to concentrate at the castle if he was worrying about Yuri falling on the floor again. Besides, he needed to get a doctor.

"Don't do that," Yuri mumbled.

"I've already been up all night. I don't think I can work until I get a decent nap anyway."

"Sorry."

"Don't worry 'bout it." Flynn yawned again and then grabbed the bucket to empty. He returned to Yuri with his cathing stuff and then wandered to the kitchen to get some juice.

Maybe he was being paranoid about getting a doctor. Vomiting, nausea, and fever were all fairly common symptoms and he'd probably picked up a twenty-four-hour bug or something like that. After everything that had happened, though, he wasn't taking any chances. He brought Yuri a glass of juice and then pulled all his medications out for him. "Drink up. Take fluids. I'm going to get a doctor and I'll be back soon."

Yuri grunted and Flynn set off. The cool air outside helped wake up him and by the time he reached the hospital he almost felt like a human being. He couldn't shake a feeling of dread as he walked up the steps. He'd spent far too much time in this building and associated it with an abundance of negative memories. He'd prefer to never have to smell that tangy reek of apple gel and disinfectant, but he once again found himself talking to Sylvie at the desk and getting directed to Dr. Burke's office.

"Good morning, Commandant," the doctor said. "What brings you in today?" He sat at his desk with a cup of coffee and a newspaper.

Flynn glanced at the coffee longingly but pulled himself together. "Yuri is sick."

"How unfortunate. Did he come with you?"

"No, I was hoping you could make a house call."

Burke frowned. "Well, I normally prefer to see patients here. I'm not a family doctor, you see."

Flynn stifled a yawn that might have been a frustrated sigh. It was too early for this. "He doesn't want to come here, and considering how incredibly miserable this place made him, I don't blame him. I'd go find a doctor who does make house calls, but given his uncommon condition I thought it would be best to see a doctor who's experienced with spinal injuries and knows how his body his supposed to work."

"I understand, but…"

Flynn closed his eyes for a moment. "I'll pay you an extra twenty-five thousand gald."

"Ah… I'll come over as soon as I finish my rounds."

"Thirty thousand if you come right now." Perhaps he was being flippant with his money, but he'd had maybe three hours of sleep and was too tired and worried to care.

There was a pause and then, "I'll get my coat."

Flynn filled Burke in on everything he knew about Yuri's condition on the walk home. When they arrived, Yuri was asleep again. "Hey," Flynn gently shook his shoulder. "Yuri, the doctor is here."

Yuri pried his eyes open and looked to Burke in the doorway. "Oh. Yippee."

"All right, Commandant, why don't you go sit down and I'll take care of this."

"Would it help if I stuck around?"

"I think you'll just get in the way."

He was probably right. Flynn reluctantly left and collapsed on the couch. This was around the time he normally woke up, which meant he should be heading to work soon. Maybe if Burke said this was nothing more than a bug that would clear up in a few hours, he could drag himself to his office and get some work done between naps. Yeah, that was a good plan….

"Commandant?"

Flynn's eyes snapped open and he sprung upright. "Sorry, do you need something?"

Burke stood in the living room looking bored. "I've finished."

"Oh." He hadn't even realized he'd fallen asleep. "Is Yuri going to be all right?"

"Give it a few days. He's got a nasty infection. He's probably had it for a few days, but the symptoms are only felt below the waist - pain, burning while urinating, and so on - which he didn't feel."

"So… it's pretty bad then?"

"It was allowed to progress to a fairly serious case, but it's nothing a panacea bottle can't eliminate. Stock up on those and make sure he drinks one in the morning and before bed and it should clear up in a few days. In the meantime, fluids and rest are the only treatment."

"He's going to be ok?"

"I see no reason why not. Now, about my payment?"

"Right. I'll get that." Flynn forced himself off the couch. At least that was one worry off his chest. Now to pay the doctor, walk to work and let Sodia know he was going to be off today, then come home and nap between making sure Yuri was all right.

* * *

Yuri lay in Flynn's bed, staring at him. Flynn didn't notice, because his nose was engrossed in a book. Yuri was a little frustrated with this; what was the point in pestering him to sleep upstairs if he was going to ignore him? Yuri didn't like sleeping up here, because he felt imprisoned by the stairs. There was no point carrying his chair up, because he couldn't get it back down without Flynn's help anyway. The bed was comfortable, but he couldn't leave the bed without crawling on his stomach or being carried, and neither of those were things he looked forward to.

But, Flynn was still anxious about leaving him alone downstairs. Even though Yuri hadn't thrown up in two days and his fever had dropped to only a degree or two higher than average (which he knew because Flynn insisted on using a thermometer), Flynn was still afraid he'd drop dead overnight if left unattended. Since Flynn couldn't sleep in Yuri's bed (his sheets were, Flynn pointed out, badly in need of a wash after sweating out a fever in them) and sleeping on the couch made Flynn a zombie at work, Yuri relented and let Flynn carry him upstairs.

"What'cha reading?" Yuri leaned over Flynn's arm to glance at the page.

Flynn held it up to read over Yuri's head. "A book."

"You're descriptive enough to be an author yourself. You might even give Estelle a run for her money." When Flynn didn't answer, Yuri asked, "So, what's it about?"

"Things."

"Oooh, I know, it's smut, right?"

Flynn's head jerked to him. "What!?"

"That's why you're not telling me." He pulled himself closer and clambered over Flynn to see the pages. "C'mon, I want to see what you're into. It's freaky shit, right?"

Flynn whacked him over the head with the book. "It's detective novel."

"Oh, lame." Yuri rolled back to his pillow.

"I like them. They're interesting."

Yuri folded his arms under his head and got comfortable. "Can't say I'm a huge fan of serial killers myself."

Flynn slid a scrap of paper between the pages and put the book on the nightstand. "I like them. In the stories, the villain gets what he deserves and the hero rides into the sunset with his love interest and all is well. It's… nicer than real life."

"You want me to be your sexy femme fatale?"

Flynn rested his hand on Yuri's forehead. "You're certainly hot enough. Are you feeling better?"

"I feel generally crummy but not nauseous anymore."

"Actually, the word 'nauseous' means something induces nausea in others, so if you're nauseous that means you're making me nauseated."

"Wow. I wish I knew as much about words as you, because then maybe I could think of one strong enough to express how little I care."

Flynn slid to a horizontal position and propped his head up on his hand. "You're incorrigible."

"If that's an insult, I'll have you know I am deeply corrigible."

Flynn wore a mild smile for a few seconds and then leaned across the bed to kiss Yuri's cheek. "I really hate you."

As Flynn pulled away, Yuri grabbed the collar of his pyjamas and tugged him down. They parted after a long kiss and Yuri said, "I hate you, too."

Flynn fell back beside him and said, "You're certain you're not contagious, right?"

"Positive. Besides, considering where the infection is, your mouth would need to be in a much more interesting place to pick it up."

Flynn wrinkled his nose. "I think we should hold off on that until you're better."

"I still feel dizzy when I sit up, so yeah, good call." Yuri rubbed his face with his palms. "Damn, I hate being sick." He waited for Flynn to make some comment about how impossible he was to take care of when sick as a child. When he was young, he practically had to be tied down to ensure bed rest happened.

Instead, Flynn said, "I know. In the future, you can avoid this and we'll all be happier."

"Sure, let me just tell my immune system to amp up its game."

"It's not an issue of your immune system. I read up on it the other day and these infections are caused by poor hygiene."

Yuri gave Flynn a dirty look. "Are you saying I'm sick because I'm gross?"

Flynn lay on his back and faced the ceiling. "I'm saying you're sick because bacteria got into your bladder and kidneys, and that such a thing is preventable, and take that as you will."

Yuri flipped to his side. "No, I want you to speak bluntly. What, I need to wash my hands when I piss? You really think I'm  _that_  disgusting?"

"I didn't say you were!"

"Maybe -  _just maybe_  - it had something to do with shoving a rubber tube up there a few times a day? I have an idea - how about  _you_  try using a catheter and see how you manage."

Flynn sat up so he could face Yuri. "Obviously that's a major factor, but you can't deny that I found you lying in stained sheets for hours the other day."

A burst of anger flashed in his chest. "Oh, fuck off! That's not a regular occasion." How  _dare_  Flynn bring that up? He'd been a little busy grappling with the desire to stop existing that day to care an ounce about hygiene, and he was ashamed enough of those episodes without Flynn bringing them up.

"I didn't say it was, just that you should be more cautious. If it happens again, you need to force yourself to clean up right away to prevent long term damage. This could have destroyed your kidneys if I didn't get a doctor when I did!"

"Are you a moron? I  _wish_  I could be concerned about things like potential organ damage when I'm feeling like that!"

"I know it's hard, but even if you don't feel like it, you need to force yourself to go through the motions to take basic care of yourself. I'm only saying this because I love you and I would hate to see you get even sicker if it happens again."

Yuri's fist hit Flynn's chin before consciously thinking about it. "You don't know what you're talking about!"

Flynn's hand angrily rubbed his red chin. "I'm trying to help!"

Yuri struggled upright and then fell back on the headboard when his head spun. "Yeah, that's  _so_  helpful! Hey, I know, how about I just decide to stop being sad? That'll work!"

"I know it's not that simple."

"Then stop spewing this shit!"

"Dammit, Yuri!" Flynn got to his knees and grabbed the front of Yuri's shirt. "I'm  _worried_  about you! This infection is clearing up well, but what about the next? You could die!"

Fear burned in his eyes, but Yuri was too pissed to be empathetic. He tried to throw Flynn off, but was still too weak from illness to do more than push him. "I'm doing the best I can. It's not like I  _want_  to be sick!"

"I never said you did!"

"Then get off my case! I'm the one who feels like crap, and you spouting shit isn't helping."

Flynn's grip on him tightened and he shouted, "I need you to not get sick because I can't handle coming close to losing you!" Voice cracking, he added, "Not again!"

"I don't want to die either, you know! I  _want_  to care about my health, but sometimes I  _can't_  and I hate it!"

They heaved for breath and stared into each other's eyes for a long moment. Flynn broke it first and rolled over to his side of the bed and turned his back to Yuri. Yuri slowly slid back down to lie on his back.

They lay in silence and then Flynn said, "I'm sorry."

"Me too."

"I know it's not your fault."

"I know you're just afraid for me."

Flynn turned on his back. "Sometimes I get really frustrated with you, and I feel awful for it. When your recovery falters, part of me feels like… ' _Really_? Now? This is making my life complicated.' And I just want to shake you and demand why you aren't better yet." He let out a deep breath. "I'm so sorry. That's so selfish of me."

"Heh… honestly, I feel the same way. Like, 'dammit, self! Get better already! Stop making Flynn sad!' It's lame."

"Can you forgive me for saying such ignorant things?"

"If you can forgive me for being so defensive. You're right; I wouldn't be sick if I took better care of myself."

Flynn looked over with a mild smile. "You should go to sleep. You still need rest."

"I can't sleep with you keeping the light on to read your boring book."

"Fine, I'll go to bed too." He flicked the switch and then rolled close to Yuri so he could sleep pressed against him.

Yuri shoved him away. "Piss off; I'm too hot to cuddle."

Flynn kissed his forehead and rolled away.

* * *

"Are you sure you're all right by yourself?" Flynn stood in the kitchen doorway with his eyes locked on Yuri.

" _Yes_ , Flynn. Look, I'm out of bed, aren't I?"

It was true: Yuri had felt well enough today to get out of bed and join him for breakfast. It was the fifth day since Burke had seen him, and his condition had greatly improved. He didn't even have a fever anymore. He was dressed and had eaten solid food, and now sat in the middle of the kitchen looking irritated.

"And you sent a message to Sarah yesterday to let her know you won't be coming today, right?" That was one thing he had insisted on. Yuri might be feeling better, but better wasn't the same as fully recovered. He didn't like the idea of Yuri venturing out on his own when he was still weak and sore.

"Yes! I am actually capable of taking care of things."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to imply-"

"Just go to work."

Flynn took enough time to give Yuri a quick kiss before leaving the house. On his way to work, he had to smile. He'd been so worried about this infection, but Yuri had pulled through with zero complications. Yuri was at risk for a lot of medical problems, but he was sure Yuri would come out on top no matter what life threw at him. After all, he always had. He was even happy about the argument they'd had a few nights ago. Fighting was never fun, but arguing with Yuri was such a staple of his life that getting back to it, without fear that criticizing him could trigger suicidal thoughts, was a welcome return to normalcy.

When he got to his office, Flynn pushed Yuri from his mind and focused on the day's tasks. Yuri didn't return to his mind until the clock ticked close to lunch time and he began wondering if Yuri would have something delicious prepared for him when he got home. Just as he was considering calling it a morning and heading home to eat, his door slammed open without a knock.

His head snapped up and Sodia started speaking before he could even question her entrance. "Carter has escaped from prison."

Flynn was running out the door by the time he finished asking, "What happened?"

Sodia filled him in as they raced down the hall. "He was exaggerating his illness. They let their guard down thinking he was at death's door. There was a single guard on duty, and from what they can tell, he killed him and stole his uniform."

"Damn." And then he walked right out of prison without being stopped, because Knight uniforms concealed faces. Maybe that needed to be addressed.

They were already outside by the time Sodia said, "That's not all, sir. He released Zagi with him."

"They're  _both_  loose?"

"It's believed the guards were so busy trying to stop Zagi's getaway that they didn't do a proper security check on knights leaving the prison. That's how he escaped."

"How long ago?"

"I just got the report. They've been loose for about fifteen minutes."

Flynn ran down the street toward the prison. Fifteen minutes. They'd still be in the area. A block from the prison, he stopped at a group of knights in the road. "What's the situation?"

"Commandant!" The lieutenant straightened up and saluted. "We have pairs of knights scouring the streets. They can't have gotten far."

"Good. I want every exit from the royal quarter blockaded. Send knights into the sewers, too, in case he think she can slip away through there again. Tell everybody to remain in their homes. Send knights to the perimeter of the quarter and have them slowly work their way in in a shrinking circle. We'll squeeze him out."

"Yes, sir!" The lieutenant began barking orders, and Flynn turned to Sodia. "Come on. I'm joining the search."

Technically his job was to stand back and give orders, but Flynn couldn't sit still. All he could think about was that bastard walking free after everything he'd done and a familiar rage flared to life.  _You should have slit his throat when you had the chance_. Flynn fought that part of him down. He knew he had done the right thing in taking Carter alive, and he would take him alive this time as well. Carter wanted to see him fall, and he wasn't going to let him die with the satisfaction that Flynn had compromised his morals for him.

But none of that would matter unless they found him! Flynn and Sodia roamed the streets, eyes peeled for any sign of movement. Citizens had evacuated the streets, making it easier to search. He felt like they'd been searching for hours by now, but it must have been just over twenty minutes. They should at least have a sighting of Zagi by now. Carter knew how to be stealthy, but he was surprised Zagi hadn't just charged down the road on a killing spree. Two renegade murderers couldn't simply disappear.

"What if they're inside a building?" Sodia asked once they'd been searching for a good half hour.

"We've got Knights knocking on doors and asking for sightings."

"Yes, but they might be holding a family hostage and demanding they don't give any information."

Dammit, she was right. Something that vile was entirely within the realm of possibility for Carter, although he wasn't sure Zagi could be that subtle. All right, think like Zagi. If he wasn't running around on the streets trying to get out of Zaphias, where would he…?

Panic stabbed his chest and he gasped.

"Sir? What is it?"

His mind flashed to Yuri, sick at home, and all Zagi's screaming about wanting to fight him once and for all. "I have to go home."


	26. Reunion

Soup simmered on the stove while Yuri drummed a baseline on the edge of the counter with a pair of spoons. He pulled one away and twirled it between his fingers before sticking it in the pot and stirring the savoury broth. He'd added a pinch of Cayenne pepper to the tomato soup, and couldn't wait for Flynn to get home and try it. He left the spoons on the counter and pushed against it to roll away, still humming. With a grin, he spun in a tight circle. Dizziness overcame him and Yuri gripped the armrests to stay in the chair.

 _Whoooa, ok, still sick._  Yuri took a deep breath to fight down the nausea. When he wasn't doing trick spins, he was feeling pretty well except for a general malaise.

Yuri left the soup simmering to head to his bedroom. He'd been chilly all morning, but the heat of the kitchen made it too hot for a sweatshirt. The bedroom was empty, because Repede had gone out to roam the streets and visit with some of his friends. This was just as well, because Yuri liked to sing when he cooked and he didn't need Repede's judgemental looks.

He tossed the discarded sweatshirt on the dresser. Flynn should be thankful for one thing, at least: he'd finally begun to keep his floor clear. Yuri had always figured that shirts were just as easily stored on the floor as in a dresser, but now that floor space was essential for mobility, he'd reluctantly begun picking up after himself. It was a regrettable concession. Smiling at the smell of soup, he rolled out of the room.

The front door slammed open like it had been hit by a tornado. "YUUUUURIIII LOOOOWELL!"

His head whipped around so fast he almost got whiplash. Zagi stood in the doorway, grinning like a maniac. He kicked the door shut and Yuri noticed a hole in the wall where the knob had smashed into it. He didn't have time to worry about what Flynn would say, because Zagi was already racing down the hall.

Yuri had seconds to act, and he wasted half of one deciding if he should confront Zagi or race to the kitchen and grab a knife. He wouldn't have time to reach it, though, so he started to turn but the hallway was carpeted. He couldn't turn well on carpet and he was still trying to jerk the wheels around when Zagi reached him and twisted him the rest of the way so they were face-to-face.

"At last, Yuri!" Zagi screamed with joy. He leaned on the arm rests so his face was inches from Yuri's own. "We can end this once and for all."

"I'm down for that. Want to save me the trouble and fall on your own sword?"

"Oh no, Yuri." He grinned; did he ever brush his teeth? "You may be the only man who has ever bested me, but today we're going to set that right." Zagi backed up and drew his sword. He pointed it at Yuri's chest and said, "Today we shall have our promised duel to the death. No more running away from me. I want to make you bleed! Get your sword, Yuri, because it's time we fight!"

Helpless dread steadily rose in his heart. This was just  _Zagi_ , whom he'd always seen as more of a nuisance than a threat. Things were different now, though. Zagi seemed so much taller when Yuri was sitting down and it took concerted effort to fight back the little voice telling him to just roll over and give up because he was helpless anyway and maybe this would put him out of his misery. He didn't know what to do. Zagi obviously expected him to jump up, arm himself, and have a duel, but none of those things were going to happen. Yuri couldn't even get his sword if he wanted to, because it was upstairs in Flynn's office along with his knife.

"What are you waiting for?! Get up!"

Yuri pushed himself back a few inches. "Yeah, ok, I don't know if anyone explained this to you, but that's not gonna happen."

Zagi's grin spread. "Ah-ha! You're afraid of me, aren't you? Yes, good, you  _should_  fear me! I won't let you have any excuse, though. Stand up, Yuri!"

He pushed back again, but Zagi shoved his sword forward so it pricked his chest. "Stop running away! You owe me a fight, Yuri, so get up and stop being a coward!"

Yuri glared at Zagi and squeezed his rims. As clearly as he could, he said, "I. Can't!"

"What do you mean, you can't?! I was promised the chance to fight you, and now you're backing out! You owe it to me to fight me! I need to prove that I can crush you!"

"Well, you're too late. We  _can't_  duel, Zagi. Get it through your thick head."

"Of course we can't if you insist on sitting down. Stand up, dammit!"

"I physical cannot!" He couldn't think of a way to say that more clearly. "My legs  _do not work_. You think I'm sitting in this chair for shits and giggles?!"

Zagi growled with frustration and dropped his sword. "I won't let you make such stupid excuses!" He grabbed the front of Yuri's shirt and yanked. "You're going to stand up and fight me like you promised!"

"Get off me!" Yuri lashed at Zagi's arms but he wasn't quick enough to keep from being thrown forward. His arms flailed as he immediately crashed to the floor and landed flat on his face. "You fucking idiot!"

"Get  _up_!" Zagi's foot slammed into his side, but all Yuri felt were vibrations.

"What do I have to do to convince you my legs don't work?!"

"You're using that stupid chair as a crutch." Zagi grabbed the chair and threw it toward the living room. It crashed on the floor and Yuri couldn't help wincing.

"Yes, you're right." Yuri pushed his chest up as Zagi ran after the chair. "I  _am_  using it as a crutch, because I am  _crippled_  and I  _need_  a crutch."

"I won't let you get out of this!" Zagi leapt onto the downed chair, which creaked as it wobbled. "Imagining how sweet your blood will smell when I cut you open was the only thing I had to live for in captivity."

"I know this great therapist who I really think you could benefit from talking with."

Zagi jumped and his weight came down on the chair. Yuri heard a crack and shouted, "Get the hell off that!" He dragged himself forward, cursing the carpet's friction.

"When I kill you in battle, I shall truly be the greatest warrior in the world!" Zagi jumped again and the wheel bent inward. His other foot landed on the armrest, which cracked off with a crunch. "I'm not buying your act, Yuri. A man who can't walk could never have bested me in combat!"

"It's not like I was retroactively crippled." Zagi was so  _stupid_ , but that didn't mean he wasn't still a threat. Yuri was less concerned for his own life now, and more for his poor chair. Zagi jumped up and down, manic glee on his face as the wheel bent double and one of the footrests broke off like the arm.

"Get off my chair, you asshole!" Yuri managed to reach him, but all he got for his trouble was a kick to his chin.

Zagi jumped off and flipped the chair over. "I'm _helping_  you, Yuri, see? You're letting yourself stay injured because you have this silly chair to use." With the damaged side down, the chair was even less stable and Zagi's jumping destruction was more erratic. It wobbled back and forth as the wood creaked and strained.

The wood supporting the front wheels splintered and Yuri threw himself at the chair to try to flip Zagi off. Zagi kicked him again and he rolled away. Nausea rushed through his head and he gripped his temples to try to quell it. Then he heard wood snap and it might as well have been his femur.

The floor thudded as Zagi jumped down. "There. Now you don't have anything holding you back. It's time to stand up and face your fate, Yuri Lowell. I'm going to soak the floor with your blood and watch you choke on it!"

Yuri's dizziness cleared enough to see his chair between Zagi's legs. At least, what used to be his chair. The solid wood of the seat was still in place, but both large wheels were bent beyond repair, the smaller ones had snapped off, and both the foot and arm rests lay in broken pieces. Unexpected grief hit him; that was  _his_  chair. As much as he'd resented it when he first sat down, they had become so close over the past few months. It was more than just a seat with wheels, it was freedom given shape and it was part of him. He felt like his legs had been taken away all over again. "You bastard," he seethed.

"Now, get up." Zagi grinned while standing over him. "You can't put this off forever."

"I damn well can!" Yuri punched Zagi's shins but it didn't faze him. He tore his eyes from his murdered chair and stared up at Zagi, hating that he had to look up at this bastard. A lot of rage had been simmering inside him ever since he woke up in the hospital, and seeing his beloved chair trampled brought it to a boiling point. There were few people he'd rather unleash a tirade of fury on than Zagi, so it all gushed out in a roar that might have disturbed the neighbours.

"I'd call you as stupid as a sack of bricks but that would be insulting to building supplies everywhere! You fucking moron, do you think I  _want_  to be lying on the ground? Don't you think I'd be on my feet in seconds if I had the chance? You think I'm  _scared_  of you and pretending I can't fight to avoid it? I've beaten you into next week so many times, scholars from Aspio want you to teach them the secrets of time travel! If I had any choice in the matter, I'd have already kicked your ass so hard you'd never get the footprint out. The  _only_  reason I'm still lying here is because I!  _Can't_! WALK! _"_

Zagi stared at him with his mouth hanging open for a few seconds. "So… you… aren't faking?"

"Are you  _kidding_  me? If I could move my legs do you really think I wouldn't have kicked you by now?"

Zagi dropped to his knees and whipped out a wickedly curved knife. "All right, Yuri Lowell, if you claim you can't move your legs, then avoid this!"

Yuri pushed himself to his elbows and started to roll, but not fast enough. The knife sank into his thigh just above his knee and Zagi kept it pushed down, pinning his leg.

"Dammit, you can't just stab people out of the blue like that! Manners!"

Zagi twisted the knife while staring at Yuri's face. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as Yuri's expression remained calm-verging-on-bored even as blood welled up on his pant leg. Yuri could hear muscle and blood squelching as Zagi toyed with the knife, but it affected him as much as if he were preparing meat for dinner. The knife came out, slick with blood, and he poked higher up.

"I'm going to have to ask you to stop."

"You really don't feel it?" Considering Zagi almost always spoke in screamed convictions, the confused words almost didn't sound like him.

"No."

"That's not right. When I stab people, they need to feel it." Zagi frowned and then straddled Yuri. He poked Yuri's other leg and when he got a similar non-reaction, he grabbed the hem of Yuri's shirt and yanked it up to his chest.

"Hey!" Yuri reached to throw him off, but then the blood-slicked knife was in his face and Yuri pressed his head to the floor to avoid it. He didn't care much if someone stabbed his legs, but stabbing his throat was very much off the table. He rubbed his thumbs against his fingers at his sides while he waited for Zagi to finish or for an escape to occur to him.

"It's not working," Zagi muttered as he trailed the knife along Yuri's stomach. "Why aren't you screaming?"

"Trust me, I'm more annoyed than you."

Yuri had never seen an expression of such concentration on Zagi's face as he dragged his knife up Yuri's stomach. Yuri saw what was coming and braced himself for it, and then the knife passed out of the damaged zone and hit one of the hyper-sensitive patches at the transition site. He hissed and flinched on instinct and Zagi looked up with interest.

"Did that hurt?" Zagi dragged the knife over the same area an inch to the left, and no matter how much Yuri wanted to hide it, he couldn't stop the wince as those nerves screamed out.

"Ah, so that's where I can hurt you." Zagi grinned and slipped the knife an inch between his ribs.

Yuri grunted and threw his arms at Zagi. He was frustratingly out of options. If he tried to sit up now, he'd just push the knife further into him, and obviously kicking was out of the question. Hampered by illness, his punched lacked the force to do anything more than annoy Zagi.

After half a minute, Zagi pulled out the knife and looked down at the red blade with a frown. "This is boring."

"Gosh, I'm sorry." Yuri liked this a lot more when he stuck to stabbing the parts of him that couldn't hurt.

"You're barely even fighting back. You haven't even tried to throw me off."

"I can't move my legs. Come on, we went over this five minutes ago. Pay attention, man."

Zagi looked over his shoulder at Yuri's legs, frowned, and then climbed off. He sat on the floor and leaned against the coffee table. "I like making people scream, but you… you're special, Yuri. You're the only one who's ever bested me."

"Honestly, I find that hard to believe."

Zagi continued like he hadn't spoken. "I was supposed to kill you in a glorious final battle to prove once and for all who the stronger warrior is - me, obviously - but what am I supposed to do now? I can't kill you like this. The worst warrior in the world could kill you like this."

Yuri scowled as he folded his hands over his stomach wounds. "I'm not  _that_  helpless." He'd held his own against Catherine, after all.

Zagi poked Yuri's calf with his knife. "When will you be able to stand again?"

Yuri sighed. "Never."

"But we need to fight."

"Honestly, Zagi, fighting you is not my chief concern right now."

"Can you just stand to fight for a  _little_  bit?"

"No! I cannot stand with a box and I cannot stand with a fox. It's been almost four months and I haven't so much as wiggled a toe. The feeling is  _not_  coming back, and I am not going to stand on my own, let alone walk, ever."

Zagi kept poking his calf but through the pant leg Yuri couldn't tell how deep he was going. Hopefully not too deep, since he was already feel queasy from the blood pouring out of his knee, stomach, and ribs.

"But how are we supposed to have our final battle?!"

"I don't know what to tell you. If you don't want to fight me while I'm crippled, you're just going to have to do without. This is who I am now."

"That's not  _fair_!"

"No. It's not."

Zagi dropped the knife and folded his arms. "Well. This is awful."

"Yes, I'm so sorry to inconvenience you." He was getting blood all over the carpet. Flynn's poor house.

"I'm not… really sure what to do." Zagi stared at Yuri's legs with distress. "Battling you has been my only goal for more than a year. What am I supposed to do now?"

"I don't know. Get a hobby. You could try crochet."

"What are  _you_  going to do now that you can't battle me?"

"Well, I'm just gonna… live my life, I guess." What were the chances Zagi would get him an apple gel if he asked nicely? Pretty low, Yuri guessed. He probably still had several minutes before the blood loss knocked him out, but he'd be cutting it close. Flynn must be aware that Zagi was loose by now, and it wouldn't take him long to come running home to check on him. If Yuri could stall him long enough, Zagi would still be sitting here questioning his life's purpose when Flynn barged in. "What kind of loser focuses his entire worth in life on fighting?"

The front door swung open once again and Yuri looked over with a grin. Finally, Flynn was here to -

It wasn't Flynn. "Thought I'd find you here, Zagi." Carter strolled into the house. "I thought I said we needed to get out of Zaphias?"

Zagi jumped to his feet. "I don't need to take orders from you! My goal has always been to have one last glorious battle with Yuri!"

Carter stopped next to Yuri and looked down. "And how's that going for you?"

Zagi harrumphed as Carter nudged Yuri with his foot. "Hello again, Yuri. Been a while, hasn't it?"

His heart pounded so hard it hurt. Phantom aches settled into his body as the vision of Carter leering down at him summoned a torrent of memories. "Get the hell out of here," he growled.

Carter crouched and crossed his arms on his knees. "We haven't had a chance to talk since you left the catacombs. After we spent all that time together, it seems rude."

Yuri wanted to punch him, but he feared pulling his hands away from his wounds would accelerate the blood loss. Besides, he couldn't shake the feeling that his arms were tied behind his back again, which was ridiculous because he could see them pressing against his stomach.

"I wasn't planning to cripple you, you know. I was hoping that wound had killed you, although I must admit I like this a lot more. It would be rather boring if you were dead, don't you think?" Carter trailed his fingers over a burn scar on Yuri's ribs.

"Don't touch me," Yuri spat and jerked away. The movement sent a stab of pain through the wounds around his ribs and his head spun. Damn, blood loss was catching up to him and fear filled his emptying veins. His hands might as well be tied since they were preoccupied with trying to staunch the blood flow and his lower half was like an anchor. He couldn't even crawl away.

"I do have to wonder, though." Carter rested his hand on Yuri's hip. It must have been a miracle, because Yuri could have sworn he could feel a tingle of revulsion at the touch. "How  _did_  you survive?"

Yuri summoned as much cockiness as he could and spoke with pride. "Estelle. You underestimated how powerful she is."

"Ah, of course. The princess and her magic hands. You're very lucky." Carter gave a little laugh that turned into a cough. When he finished, he smirked and said, "Maybe not so lucky for you. It's kind of pathetic, isn't it? Wheeling yourself around like a broken toy?"

It was funny. Months of people who loved him assuring him he wasn't useless made him want to roll his eyes and point out just how little he could do on his own. Now that someone was telling him what he'd thought about himself for months, he wanted nothing more than to argue how wrong he was. "You know what, Carter, I was kind of annoyed about it myself for a while. But then I thought, hey, a year or so from now, I'll still be using a wheelchair but you will be rotting in the ground after your lungs give out. When I think about it that way, I feel pretty good."

Carter's smile slipped and then his hand thrust toward the puncture wound on Yuri's ribs. His thumb pressed into the wound and Yuri gnashed his teeth to smother a shout. His torso twisted and he pulled his bloodied hands away from his other wounds to grab Carter's wrist and try to pull his hand away.

Carted abruptly stood. "Let's go, Zagi. Knights will be here any minute now."

"Hmph, might as well. Now that Yuri Lowell is useless for a fight I don't know what else to do here."

"He's not entirely useless, though. Let's bring him with us."

Fear thudded into his chest like an anvil. "Hell no!" Yuri rolled and reached for the broken piece of armrest from his chair. It wasn't much, but he might be able to use it as a weapon. After his roll, it was still out of reach and he used his elbow to push against the floor. Before he could reach it, Carter grabbed his legs and dragged. Yuri clawed at the floor as he was pulled toward the front door. Carter heaved him over his shoulder and the wounds Yuri could feel dug into him. He clenched his teeth and punched Carter's back. "Put me down you bastard!"

Zagi went outside first, but then he spun around. "Argh! The commandant is coming!"

"Damn. Let's take the back door."

It was difficult to fight when all he had were his arms, but Yuri gave it everything he had. He beat against Carter's back and tried to twist up enough to attack his neck. This managed to slow him down as he and Zagi ran to the kitchen. Zagi swung open the back door just as the front slammed open.

"They're back here!" Yuri shouted.

Zagi grabbed Yuri's arm and yanked him off Carter's shoulders.

"What are you doing?!" Carted demanded.

"Slowing him down." Zagi thrust his knife into Yuri's thigh, yanked it out with a twist, and then ran out the door. Flynn was already entering the kitchen, sword drawn, so Carter left Yuri behind and dashed out after Zagi.

"Go after them!" Yuri shouted as he struggled to sit up enough to reach the wound. Blood gushed onto the kitchen floor.

Flynn ran to the doorway and hesitated for only two seconds. Then he sheathed his sword with a growl of disgust and ran to the sink. He came back with a stack of dish towels and the first aid kit, and immediately packed the towels on anything that bled.

"They're getting away," Yuri growled.

"You're dying." The towel on his thigh was already stained deep red. "I'm sorry, Yuri, but you come first."

"This is exactly how they wanted you to react! They knew you'd let them get away to help me."

"I know, but I'm not losing you. Not after everything we've survived. Eat this." He shoved an apple gel at Yuri's face. Yuri snacked on gels so often, they had a mountainous stash in the cupboard. "Lady Estellise is out of town. Some of these are going to need stitches."

"Don't you dare suggest I go to the hospital."

Flynn gave him an apologetic look and Yuri's head slumped back. "Fuck."

"It's ok. I saw that you're wheelchair is damaged so I don't know how I'd get you there in the first place. I'll have a doctor make another house call. Hell, your leg is bleeding a lot. I don't think you'd be walking any time soon even if your spine wasn't damaged."

The only sign of the severity of his injury he could feel was the fluff filling his head and the impossibility of sitting upright. He'd left a trail of blood streaked across Flynn's floor and the skin he could see was going pale. "Lucky me."

* * *

Yuri lay on his side, watching Flynn try to hammer his wheels straight. Yuri didn't have much hope. Flynn had been at it for almost an hour now, and so far the wheels were just bent in different patterns and Flynn still hadn't come up with a way to get the front wheels to re-attach.

"Hey." Yuri reached off the bed and rested his hand on Flynn's shoulder. "It's all right. Don't kill yourself over this."

Flynn dropped the hammer and leaned against the bed. "I'm sorry."

"You tried."

"I don't think this is fixable."

Yuri gazed forlornly at the remains of his chair. They'd had a good run together. "I don't think so."

"I'll borrow a new one from the hospital first thing tomorrow morning."

It was already late, because Flynn had been hellishly busy all afternoon. Sodia had arrived a few minutes after him and Flynn immediately sent her to fetch a doctor. As soon as a doctor and pair of nurses arrived to take over keeping Yuri alive, he'd apologized and ran out to lead the search for Carter and Zagi. After hours of patrolling every inch of Zaphias, he'd had to concede that they'd managed to slip through his fingers. Then there had been meetings, explanations to the Council, alerts to the newspaper to warn people to be on the lookout, and security discussions at the prison. He didn't drag his feet through the door until after dark.

At least Yuri hadn't been left alone. After his wounds were cleaned and the doctor stitched him up and gave him a pile of apple gels, one of the nurses stayed behind until Flynn got home. Yuri didn't recognize her from the hospital, but she was friendly and chatted with him while he was, once again stuck in bed. She'd even managed to salvage the tomato soup from lunch so he didn't go hungry.

"What do you want me to do with the broken one?" Flynn asked.

Yuri rolled to his back with a wince; he kept forgetting that at least a couple of his wounds could actually be felt. "Who cares? Toss it. It's broken." He would feel silly asking for it to be buried. It was just some bits of wood and metal, and he'd only had it for about three months. The important thing was the freedom it provided, and that would transfer perfectly well to a new chair.

Flynn crossed his arms and sighed. "Sorry again. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask for help. Even if it's the middle of the night, if you need to get up for something, I'll carry you."

"Yeah, I know you will. But I've been prescribed bed rest once again, so I'll be fine."

Flynn peered over the top of the bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Besides still being sick and covered in more stitches than a quilt, just peachy." When he saw Flynn's expression turn to worry, he ruffled Flynn's hair. "I'm fine. Really. The few wounds I can feel weren't that deep. I can't get the taste of apples out of my mouth, but on the plus side it barely hurts."

"I'm glad. What did they want with you anyway? Carter was trying to carry you away again. If I hadn't arrived when I did…."

Yuri was glad Flynn hung his head at that point so he didn't see the horror on his face before he reined it in. He didn't know what Carter had planned to do with him, but the terror that had gripped him when Carter had said he was bringing Yuri with them still made his hands tremble. The only thing that could possibly be worse than the days he spent tied up in the catacombs was doing it all over again, paralyzed this time. "I don't know. Rehash of last time, I'd guess. You think he's still in the city?" He wasn't sure how casual he'd managed to make that last bit.

Flynn glanced his way and then said reassuringly, "I'm sure they've left Zaphias by now. We would have found them."

"Yeah. I think so, too."

Flynn got to his feet. "Well, I'm pooped. I'm going to go get ready for bed."

He departed for upstairs and Yuri pulled the blanket to his chin. Yuri had gotten ready for bed when Flynn first got home. It had been a frustrating process of letting Flynn drag him around on a dining room chair to get to the bathroom and brush his teeth.

Without wheels, he really was helpless. People often said he was wheelchair-bound, but that wasn't really accurate. He was bed-bound, and the wheelchair was the tool that freed him. Now that it was gone, he was stranded on an island without a lifeboat. He'd been useless fighting off Carter today. If he came back to finish the job, Yuri wouldn't even be able to attempt an escape

Helpless dread rose within. Carter was out there, possibly still in the city, possibly still planning to make another attempt to abduct him. The mental image played out in his mind clear as day: Carted slipping into the room, stuffing an old rag in his mouth again to keep him from calling to Flynn, rolling him on his chest with little resistance and tying his hands to totally immobilize him. It would be so  _easy_ , Yuri couldn't help thinking. He was a sitting duck here and it was only a matter of time before he found himself tied up in another dank chamber. The fear was so real he had to press his face into a pillow and take deep breaths.

Flynn came back downstairs, dressed in pyjamas. "All right, I'm heading to bed. I'll see you tomorrow, and remember, don't hesitate to call if you need to get out of bed."

Words begging Flynn to stay down here fought to get out of his mouth, but pride kept them in. He felt foolish enough being scared of Carter; he didn't need to drop any lower by asking Flynn to protect him. "Ok," his voice came out strained. "Good night."

Flynn hesitated in the doorway and glanced upstairs. "You know… I'm worried about you down here. It's silly, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to sleep well upstairs. Would you mind making space for me on your bed?"

"Ha, you worry too much." Yuri wiggled to the wall. "Fine, just don't hog the covers." He gave Flynn a smile.  _Thanks_.

Flynn returned one that said,  _I don't know what you're talking about._

He slid into bed beside Yuri, pressed close as always due to the small mattress. "I'd carry you up to my bed, but I don't want to give you a piggy back ride with those stitches."

Flynn snuggled close to Yuri and draped an arm across his chest. His face pressed into the crook of Yuri's neck and then he whispered, "What Carter did to you was abhorrent, but I will never let anything like that happen to you again. I swear it." His arm tightened its hold on Yuri.

With that protective weight pressing against him, Yuri finally felt his fear abide.


	27. Small Endings

Yuri was hungry. This was a problem, because he was currently sprawled on the couch in the living room while food was at the opposite end of the house. Where the hell was Flynn? He'd pulled Yuri out here this morning and promised he'd be home soon, but it had been over three hours and still Yuri was alone. He could only read a book, stare at the wall, or nap so many times before he wanted to pull his hair out.

"Repede, come here." Repede trotted across the living room and looked at him questioningly. Yuri's first plan was to get Repede to drag him across the house to the kitchen and prepare food for himself, but then he remembered that his legs were covered in still-healing stab wounds and dragging them over the carpet might cause them to re-open. "Can you get me some food from the kitchen? Anything you can reach."

Repede woofed and ran off. Yuri rolled on his side and tried to get comfortable. Being stuck on the couch sucked. He had never felt more crippled, because when he was stuck in the bed in the hospital, at least he'd known that he physically wasn't capable of getting up. Now, the only thing standing between him and getting out of the house was a broken chair. He  _could_  be up and about, but instead he was lying here waiting for Flynn to come back from the hospital with a new chair. Yuri decided that he was never going to resent the chair again, because as much as he didn't like having to sit down all the time, it was infinitely better than not being able to move at all.

Repede came back with a loaf of bread that had been sitting on the table. Flynn probably intended to have it for dinner, but screw him, Yuri was starving.

"Thanks." He ripped into the bread and mentally said his thousandth curse on Carter's name. Not only had the bastard paralyzed him in the first place, but it was his fault Zagi had been unleashed and able to smash up his chair.

Estelle had chosen an awful time to head to Dahngrest. Not only would she be able to heal all these little wounds, but he'd at least have someone to hang out with. Instead, he was bored silly. Yuri thought back to all the time he spent hiding in bed when he first arrived at Flynn's house and wanted to retroactively kick himself for not taking advantage of having a functional wheelchair. He swallowed the last of the loaf and wondered if Repede could figure out a way to bring him a glass of water.

Just as he was considering asking Repede to carry his water dish here and drink from that, the door knocked. "Who is it?!"

"It's Sodia."

"Just a sec!" To Repede, he said, "Can you get the door open?"

Repede woofed and ran to the door. He jumped up and pawed at the lock until it slid open and then gripped the knob in his mouth and twisted. The door swung in and Sodia looked down in surprise at having been let in by a dog.

"Good afternoon," she said as she entered.

"Is it afternoon already?" Yuri couldn't see the clock from the couch. "No wonder I'm starving. Where is Flynn, anyway?"

"He went to the hospital to pay the fee for destroying the chair you were renting and ask about getting a replacement."

"Just now? He was supposed to do that hours ago."

Sodia frowned and held a stack of papers closer to her chest. "The commandant is very busy. The double prison-break yesterday is taking up a lot of his time. It's bad enough that he's decided to work from home until you get a replacement chair; he can't spend every waking moment doting on you."

Guilt rose within and Yuri fought it away. He knew Flynn was struggling to balance his demanding job and supporting Yuri, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. Yuri never asked Flynn to bend over backward for him, and they both knew he'd go back to being fully independent if he could. It wasn't Yuri's fault that Zagi and Carter's escape had caused a spike both in Flynn's work load and Yuri's dependence, but he still felt bad about it. The last thing he wanted was to be a burden. "What do you want, anyway?"

"Flynn asked me to drop these off at his house so they'd be waiting when he got back from the hospital."

"You can leave them in his office upstairs."

When Sodia returned from upstairs, she hesitated by the stairs and let her eyes dart across Yuri's body. "Do you, uh… need anything?"

"Huh?" He couldn't recall Sodia ever offering him assistance with  _anything_.

"I understand you're unable to leave the couch and Flynn expressed concern for you being home alone without your chair."

"Actually, if you don't mind, I could use a glass of water."

She nodded and fetched it from the kitchen.

Yuri didn't like getting favours from Sodia, but his mouth was dry after that bread and he didn't feel like dragging himself down the hall and struggling into a chair after pushing it close to the sink. "Thanks. At least not all knights are useless."

Sodia gave him a disapproving look. "Just what do you mean by that?"

"Well, it's Flynn fault I'm stuck here." How long did it take to walk into a hospital and ask 'may I borrow a spare wheelchair?' 

Sodia's reaction was not what he expected. Rather than snipping at him for blaspheming her god, she covered her mouth with a gasp. "So - he told you, then?"

Yuri's brows lowered. "Told me what?"

"That it's his fault you're…" As she stared at his confusion her horror grew. "What did you mean?"

"That he should have been home by now with a new chair. What did  _you_  mean?"

"I - I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

'His fault you're…'  _I'm what?_  Flynn's fault he was stuck on the couch? What could that possibly mean other than what Yuri had said? From the look on Sodia's face, that clearly was not what she meant. "No, go on. What's Flynn's fault?"

"Tell the commandant I dropped by. I don't want to intrude in your home." She swivelled and headed for the door.

Now Yuri was certain that whatever she'd been about to say, he wanted to know what it was. "Wait! Tell me what you were going to say."

"I've overstayed my welcome. I was just here to drop off the commandant's work."

Yuri pushed himself up and swung his legs over the side. They thudded on the floor, but that was as far as he could go. Sodia was almost at the door and he shouted, "Sodia! Don't you dare walk away from me."

She stopped with her hand on the door.

"I know you don't like confronting your problems," he said snidely, "but it's pretty low to walk out of a conversation with me because you know I'm too crippled to follow." His words made her hesitate, but not speak, so he tried another low-blow. "Explain or I'll actually try to follow you down the street. I mean, I'd have to throw myself off the couch and hope none of these stitches open, but you're used to letting me fall, right?"

Her eyes closed and Yuri felt a tad guilty for using that on her. They had, after all, tentatively agreed to put that behind them. "It isn't my place to say," she finally said, looking back. "When Flynn gets back, ask him about the circumstances of your paralysis."

"Huh?"

She hurried out before he could press for more details. Yuri looked to Repede. "What was that all about?"

Yuri pulled his legs back onto the couch and put his mind to work. There was nothing else to do as long as he was a prisoner of the sofa, so he tried to figure out how the two puzzle pieces fit together. It was Flynn's fault he was something, and it had something to do with the circumstances of his paralysis. The obvious conclusion was that it was Flynn's fault he was paralyzed, but that was ridiculous because Carter had been the one to do that.

Yuri was still puzzling it over when Flynn finally returned home. The door opened and Yuri looked up with hope. That hope dashed when Flynn enter sans-chair.

Flynn stopped in the entry and stared at Yuri with a face filled with guilt. "Yuri… I'm sorry. They didn't have any to spare."

" _None_?"

"All the chairs they have can't be taken out of the hospital. But, you know, we were planning to buy a new, better one once you got settled. We should look into that instead of renting another basic hospital chair."

Yuri pulled himself upright. "I'm down with that, but how long will it take?"

Flynn hesitated. "Maybe… a few days?"

"A few days?!" He sat upright. "I can't lie on the couch for that long."

"I'm really sorry. Lady Estellise will be here the day after tomorrow and I'm sure she can work something out. In the meantime, would you like me to carry you upstairs? You could hang out in my office with me."

Yuri shook his head. "No. I don't want to distract you from your work." He thought of what Sodia had said; he didn't want to be a burden.

"All right… well, I'm going to get something for lunch and then get back to work. Are you hungry?"

"No, Repede brought me that loaf of bread."

"I was saving that."

"I was hungry."

Flynn sighed. "Sorry."

He started to leave, but Yuri thought of what else Sodia had said and asked, "Hey, Flynn, can I ask you something?"

Flynn spun around. "Hm?"

"Did something… happen… when I got paralyzed?"

The scar by Flynn's eye twitched. "Happen? What… do you mean?"

"Sodia said something odd when she was here."

Flynn crossed his arms. "Odd as in how?"

"I joked that it was your fault I was stuck here on the couch, and she got all weird and said you must have told me something about it being your fault. Then she said I should ask you about the circumstances of my paralysis. So… what was that all about?"

Flynn's Adam's apple bobbed. "Uh…."

By now it was obvious he was hiding something. "Spill."

"All right…." Flynn's voice had never sounded so strained. "You see… well… the night Carter stabbed you, I was… I panicked. I'd just fought him, I couldn't see out of one eye because of the blood, Carter was still shouting from down the hall, handcuffed and furious, and I was terrified you were dead."

Yuri watched silently. He realized he'd never asked Flynn about what he'd experienced that night. Yuri didn't want to think about his own memories of the catacombs, so asking Flynn for more details just seemed masochistic.

"As soon as Carter was restrained, I ran to you. The whole time, he'd… he'd been mocking me with you being dead. Asking me if I'd loved you." Flynn looked down, but not fast enough to hide the pain. "I wasn't thinking clearly when I was finally able to go to you. I was so sure you were dead, and my heart was racing so fast I couldn't hope to detect a heartbeat as faint as yours must have been. The only thought I could focus on was taking you to Estellise as fast as possible."

Yuri nodded along, still not sure what this had to do with anything. They were already passed the point in the story where Yuri had been paralyzed.

"I picked you up. I slung you over my shoulders so I could carry you more efficiently. I didn't even think about the circumstances, I just threw you over my shoulders and ran."

"Ok…"

"And the thing is… Dr. Burke said… it's just…" The next few words came out in a rush, as if Yuri wouldn't notice them if they flew by so quickly. "You probably weren't paralyzed until I picked you up."

But Yuri did notice them. "I… what? It was Carter's knife that severed my spine."

"Not… entirely," Flynn croaked. "Burke said it's unlikely for a single knife, especially if he wasn't aiming, to totally sever the spinal cord. He said it probably damaged it, but then I picked you up and that made it snap."

"You…." All he could do was stare. It took concerted effort to wrap his mind around this concept.  _Flynn_ , his best friend, the love of his life, the man who'd been at his side this entire time and been his biggest support… was responsible for putting him in a wheelchair in the first place.  _It all makes sense now_ , a dark voice whispered.  _No wonder he's been so patient and dutiful to you. He's not doing it because he loves you, it's because he feels guilty_. Yuri told that voice to shut up, because he  _knew_  Flynn loved him. "You did this?"

"I'm sorry. I am  _so_  sorry. All I wanted was to get you to Estellise - I thought you might already be dead - it never even occurred to me that the knife had hit your spine."

Yuri believed him. Of course Flynn wouldn't have done this on purpose - that was ridiculous. He'd been panicking, he'd only wanted to help, it was a mistake anyone could have made that just so happened to permanently alter Yuri's life. That wasn't the source of the anger burning to life. "You didn't tell me."

"I wanted to. So many times it was on the tip of my tongue, but I chickened out."

Yuri glared at Flynn's wretched face. Not an ounce of sympathy made it past the anger. "You've had three and a half months to find a time to say it. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm sorry. I was afraid it was just one more thing to add to your worries, and you were struggling with so much already."

Yuri swung his legs to the floor. "You thought I couldn't handle it?" He took Flynn's silence as confirmation. "I told you. After that lady attacked me and I found out you'd been hiding that from me, I  _told_ you: no more secrets. I had to find out from  _Sodia_!"

Flynn took a few steps forward. "I can't apologize enough. I-"

"You're right. You can't. What the  _hell_ , Flynn?! Were you  _ever_  going to tell me? You  _paralyzed_  me and I know that was a mistake but then you lied about it!"

"You weren't ready to know, and then by the time you were it had already been so long…."

"I wasn't  _ready_? You could have told me in the hospital. I wasn't even that depressed then. You could have told me literally as soon as I was lucid."

Flynn kept shifting from foot to foot, which sent bursts of envious anger through Yuri. Look at him, standing there and using his legs when it was  _his fucking fault_  Yuri was sitting on the couch.

"You were so injured, though. You needed to focus on healing and-"

"I was doing nothing but lying in bed all day! How many damned times do I have to point out that it was my  _back_  that was injured, not my brain? I'm not a child!"

"Of course not! I never said-"

"Yeah, but you were thinking out. 'Poor fragile Yuri, so delicate and weak. Let's not burden him with information concerning him.' Treat me like an adult!" His fists smashed into the cushion with rage that he couldn't stand and punch Flynn instead. "Everyone does it. You think I don't notice? When I'm out, people always talk to Estelle instead of me, as if she were my _chaperone_. They offer me help before I even ask for it. You've been making decisions for me since I got here. I had to move in with you, I had to sleep upstairs with you, I need a babysitter when you go out and you didn't even give me a damn door for my bedroom. And you keep holding information from me!"

"You were  _hurt_ ," Flynn cried. "You were weak and you were in so much pain. I couldn't add one more stress."

"Bullshit! You were scared. You were afraid I'd get mad and blame you for everything so you hid it from me. You snapped my spine in two and then spent three months trying to hide it."

"I'm sorry." He brought his wrist up to rub his watery eyes. "I'm so sorry. I know I should have told you, and you're right - I was scared. I'm so sorry."

"It's too late for that. 'Sorry' isn't going to put my spine back together, is it? It's not going to undo three months of hiding this from me. Shit, I've been so angry at Carter this whole time - I owe him an apology, don't I?" The words hurt Flynn, and for now Yuri was glad. Good, he should hurt. Getting guilt thrown at his face was nothing compared to the agony Yuri had endured thanks to his careless mistake.

Logically he knew he shouldn't blame Flynn for paralyzing him. It had been a mistake that anyone might have made. Except, it hadn't been anyone. Flynn had done it, and when you make a mistake you have to own up to it. Besides, knowing Flynn hadn't done it on purpose couldn't dispel the fury thrashing in his heart at the sight of Flynn standing there. Standing! How dare he stand there and rub it in Yuri's face that he couldn't walk.

"Yuri… please. I feel awful for hiding it from you. I know it was wrong. I just…"

"Get out of my sight."

Yuri could actually see Flynn's heart break.

"My neck hurts from looking up at you. That's a thing, you know? I have to crane my neck up to talk to damn near everyone. It's tiring and it's frustrating. Thanks for that. Go make yourself a damn sandwich because I don't want to look up at you standing anymore."

Flynn whispered one last, "I'm sorry," and slunk away to the kitchen.

Yuri leaned forward and pressed his face into his hands. He had a lot to think about. Repede whined, but Yuri ignored him for now. Thoughts spun through Yuri's mind, laced with anger. He was irrationally furious that Flynn had inadvertently crippled him, and rationally livid that he'd hidden that knowledge from him. So many things had been kept from him 'for his own good'. If Zagi and Carter hadn't stopped by to say hello, Flynn might have kept that information from him, too, reasoning that knowing Carter was loose would be too 'stressful' for him. He was sick and tired of being treated like a delicate child.

Flynn returned and Yuri's anger spiked again at the sight of him.

 _That should be me_ , he thought bitterly.  _I should be the one standing. He messed up, so_ he _should be the one confined to the couch. It was_ his _mistake; why am I the one paying for it?!_  And as long as he was on that train of thought, he couldn't help reminding himself that he'd been kidnapped in the first place because of Flynn. Carter had never cared about him - it was all about Flynn. If he hadn't been with Flynn, he'd still be walking.

Flynn stood in the entry to the living room, holding a plate with a sad excuse for a sandwich. He didn't say anything, but the agony on his face spoke volumes.

Yuri knew he was sorry, but frankly he couldn't bring himself to care. He looked Flynn in the eyes and announced, "I'm moving out."

If it was possible to crumble while standing still, Flynn managed it. "I understand."

"This was always supposed to be a temporary thing. When Karol and the others come the day after tomorrow, I'm going back to Dahngrest with them. I'm going to go back to living there full-time."

Flynn weakly nodded. "Right. Well…" He stared at the drooping leaf of lettuce poking out of the side of his sandwich. "At least the Council will be happy."

"I don't think the Council cares too much where I live."

"No, I mean… since we're…"

Yuri sighed and leaned into one hand. "I'm not breaking up with you."

Flynn's head lifted with a tiny glimmer of hope. "You're not?"

"No. I'd have every right to, but I'm not." He shook his head. "I just need some time… by myself." It was a small kindness that he hadn't said 'away from you', because that was what it truly was. Just looking at Flynn made him mad right now.

"I understand. And… I'm sorry again."

"I'm not interested in hearing it right now."

"Right…" Flynn took his sandwich upstairs to work.

* * *

In their long history of friendship, there were different classifications of anger Yuri could feel toward Flynn.

The most frequent type was the anger that sprang up when Flynn did one of his typical Flynn-things, like pestering him about tidiness, at a time when Yuri's tolerance for Flynn-things happened to be low. That kind of anger was like flambéing while cooking: it flared up in a sudden burst of heat and then disappeared as quickly, leaving behind a better situation.

Then there was anger like a bonfire, where they both threw all their grievances with each other in a big pile and duked it out until the blaze burned down and they lay smoldering on the ground.

This was anger like coals. It lay still, hiding the flames but distorting the air itself with its heat. They'd only had a few fights like this growing up, like when Flynn had lashed out with vicious words after his mother died or when Yuri threw everything Flynn doubted about himself in his face during the argument when Yuri left the Knights. During coal-anger, just looking at the other was like poking the coals with a stick and unleashing a flurry of sparks. The only thing that could put things right during a feud like this was separating for a time and letting the coals burn out on their own.

It was the ultimate frustration, then, that in a time when Yuri wanted nothing to do with Flynn, he found himself utterly reliant on him. Every time he saw Flynn, Yuri couldn't help imagining how different life would be if Flynn hadn't made that one stupid mistake. Him being in the same room made Yuri run words through his head that he strongly considered hurling Flynn's way. Things like exactly why being dishonest about the worst situation in Yuri's life was a hurtful thing to do and made him a horrible person. It would be best for both of them to stay away for at least a few days, but instead Flynn dragged Yuri through the house on a dining room chair. He had to cook for Yuri, fetch him things, and help him get into bed.

Things might have turned lethal if Flynn hadn't gone down to the lower quarter the next morning and asked if Ted had some free time. Flynn worked from the castle until dinner, while Ted hung out with Yuri.

"So what are you and Flynn fighting about this time?" Ted asked in the afternoon. He sat cross-legged at the foot of Yuri's bed.

"Who said we're fighting?"

Ted gave him a look. "Duh. The only reason he'd ask me to come was if you guys are upset with each other. So, what'd you do?"

Yuri folded his arms. "Who says it was me?"

"Ha! So there  _is_  something!"

Yuri rolled his eyes. "Ok, fine, we're a bit upset with each other." Actually, unlike most of their arguments, this one was entirely one-sided. Yuri was a bit upset about that, actually. Usually they were equally mad at each other and could storm off in peace. Flynn wasn't mad at Yuri this time, though. Yuri was furious with him and Flynn already completely accepted it and felt wretched. It took some of the satisfaction out of Yuri's ire, because when you hated someone, they weren't supposed to agree that they were hate-able.

"Is that why you're going to Dahngrest?"

Yuri folded his arms behind his head and leaned against the pillows. "Nah, I was heading there anyway. It was always my plan to go back as soon as I could. This fight just… motivated me to get moving."

"Whatever it was you're fighting about, you should apologize."

"I should not. I didn't do anything wrong."

"Really?" Ted looked at him skeptically. "You guys are always at each other's throats. I know you can't really spar anymore, but you should figure out a way to beat each other up. That always seems to work for you."

Right, except the fact that Yuri couldn't spar anymore was Flynn's fault and that was what he was mad about. "I'll think about it."

"Ok, so if it is Flynn's fault this time, are you gonna forgive him?"

Yuri sighed. "I don't know. Probably. Eventually." That was the thing about Flynn. He could piss Yuri off with an expertise matched by no person in the world, but Yuri always - eventually - forgave him. It might take some time, but Yuri was sure that he and Flynn would go back to normal even after all this… eventually. He didn't even  _want_  to forgive Flynn at the moment, but he knew it would happen as inevitably as snow melting in spring.

"I think you should. When I talked to him this morning, he was a wreck. I don't think I've seen him that upset since you got kidnapped."

 _Good_ , he should feel awful. Yuri didn't allow himself to feel any sympathy.

"Well, when you guys are friends again, you should came down to the lower quarter sometime. Everyone misses you since you don't come around as often."

"Ah, sorry about that." It was such a long trip across the city. Yuri was certain distances had actually doubled since he'd started travelling via wheelchair. "I'll make sure I visit as soon as I come back to Zaphias, ok?"

"Ok. I'll let everyone know you're doing great!"

* * *

Yuri's spirits rose when he heard Karol's voice. The day after Ted had stayed with him, he'd been alone in his bedroom all morning since his friends were planning to show up as soon as they could. It was almost ten now, and he heard them bustling into the house.

"Yuri!" Karol ran to his room. "Hi!"

"Hey, Captain." Yuri swung his legs over the side. "Good to see you."

"You look so much better," Karol said with a grin. "Estelle said you were almost your old self again!"

"I certainly feel better."

Estelle rushed to the room next. "Hi, Yuri! Did you miss me?"

"You have no idea."

"We heard about Carter," Judith said as she arrived. "It was in the newspaper. Are you all right?"

"Eh… not to worry you, but I could use a bit of help from Estelle." He pulled his shirt up enough to show the stitches on his stomach and ribs.

Estelle gasped. "Oh, no! I'll fix you right up."

"Perhaps wait a bit, Estelle?" Judith said as Estelle sat next to Yuri. "The stitches need to be removed before you heal them closed and that could take some time."

"Oh…" her face fell. "Right."

"It's really not a big problem," Yuri said. "Only these two actually hurt." He gestured at the highest cuts. "The biggest issue is that Zagi smashed up my chair, so I've been stuck for the past few days."

"What a coincidence," Karol said. "We've got a present for you, Yuri. Bring it in, Rita."

Rita entered the room pushing a contraption that made Yuri's heart soar. It was a wheelchair, but not identical to the one he'd lost. It was… sleeker. The old chair had looked like someone took a typical wooden armchair and tacked wheels on the side. This one looked like they'd started with the wheels and worked from there to turn it into a vehicle.

The supports were made of dark, shiny metal and instead of clunky footrests sticking out, the metal came down in a U with a narrow platform at the base. The wheels weren't straight, but it was clear they weren't supposed to be. They leaned in so the base was wider than the top, and it would be easier to reach the rims since it didn't have arm rests. The back rest was low, only about a foot high, and most satisfyingly of all, it lacked handles. It would be difficult for anyone else to push this chair around.

"You guys got this for me?"

"Rita did most of the designing," Estelle said with a proud smile. "Flynn helped us plan it, too, and then the Soul Smiths put it together. Rita and I went to Dahngrest to pick it up."

"Try it out!" Karol said, practically jumping with excitement.

Rita pushed it to the bed and Yuri rested a hand on the soft leather of the seat. "Is that a seatbelt?" he pointed at a strap and buckle against the back.

"For when you're going fast," Judith quickly said before he could get annoyed at the implication that he needed a seatbelt for wheeling himself around. "If you stop suddenly or turn a corner too fast, it could stop you from flying out of the chair."

"Or if you fall over," Estelle said. "Like if you crash and it flips."

Yuri laughed. "How extreme do you think I'm going to be?"

"Knowing you?" Karol laughed.

"The point," Rita said, "was to give you a chair that would let you be as extreme as you want. The wider wheels make it a bit bulkier so you might have trouble getting through narrow spaces, but it gives you more stability. You can go faster and turn more quickly without tipping."

It took a second to figure out how to transfer, since the new chair didn't have arm rests to lean on, but that ended up making it easier because he didn't have to manoeuvre around them. He got settled and then buckled the seatbelt over this lap. With the first push, he already knew this was tiers above the old one. The metal must have been hollow, because the chair was so light he needed only half the strength to push it compared to before. Freshly oiled axles soundlessly rolled forward.

"Guys, this is amazing."

"I'm so glad you like it," Karol said.

The wheels had proper tires, too. These had traction and wouldn't jostle him around every time he rolled over a rock. He could  _do_  things in a chair like this. Climbing a tree was probably still out of the question, but this could take him on dirt roads or over grass.

"There's a pack attached to the back," Estelle pointed out. "It buckles on but you can take it off to put on your lap if you need."

Yuri glanced over his shoulder and observed a drawstring pouch hanging off the back. He couldn't put something too heavy in there or he'd tip, but it would be useful for carrying items. He also noticed a leather pouch on the side of the backrest, just right for a knife.

"How much did it cost?" Yuri couldn't help but ask.

"Not as much as you'd think," Judith said. "When we said it was for you, the Soul Smiths gave us a massive discount."

"Everyone in Dahngrest wishes you well," Karol said. "They were all heartbroken to hear you'd been hurt."

Yuri habitually tried to use the armrests, but they weren't there so he folded them on his lap. "They can tell me in person. I'm going back with you."

"Oh?" Estelle cocked her head. "What about Flynn?"

"My home is with you guys. I'm still part of Brave Vesperia, and it's about time I got back to work."

Karol's grin took up most of his face. "We're glad to have you back, Yuri!"

"I already got most of my stuff together." Ted had helped him pack yesterday. "Karol, can you go up to Flynn's office and get my sword and knife?"

Judith's eyes darted to his own. "Are you sure?"

He thought about it for a moment, and then nodded. "Yes. I can handle it." It might be dangerous to keep weapons close at hand in case he ever woke up in one of those funks again, but he couldn't go through the rest of his life with training wheels just in case depression flared up again. He was going to go back to being his old self, and that meant owning weapons. He just wouldn't keep them within arm's reach of his bed, just in case he woke up wanting to use one.

While Karol left to fetch them, Estelle asked, "Do you want to wait for Flynn to get back so you can say goodbye?"

"No," Yuri said a little too quickly. "We said goodbye this morning." It was mostly true. Flynn knew the others were arriving today, so he'd paused in Yuri's doorway for a few awkward moments and mumbled a goodbye before heading out.

Everyone could tell there was more going on, but they didn't press him for details. That would assuredly be coming later.

"Lie down in bed, Yuri," Estelle said. "I want to clean up all your wounds before you leave and I'm staying in Zaphias."

Yuri heaved himself to the bed (it was so  _easy_  without those armrests in the way!) and pulled up his shirt. "There's more on my left leg."

Estelle worked diligently while Rita, Karol, and Judith did a sweep of the house to make sure Yuri wasn't forgetting anything. Judith brought a pair of his underwear from Flynn's bedroom and tossed them in the laundry basket with a knowing smirk. When Yuri was fixed up, he slid back into the chair, tucked his knife in the sheath on the backrest, and rested his sword and rucksack on his lap.

"I'm good to go."

He followed the others to the door and hesitated for only a moment at the top of the ramp. Yuri recalled the first time he'd seen the ramp the day he got out of the hospital, which now felt like not too long ago. He'd crashed that night, and it had taken a long time to pull himself back up again. He was higher than ever now, soaring on hopes he hadn't felt since before his injury. A lot of that was thanks to Flynn, but then, a little voice pointed out, all the bad stuff was thanks to Flynn as well.

In the back of Yuri's mind, he considered the possibility that he wasn't actually mad at Flynn. Oh, he was pissed, sure, but part of him said,  _He was scared, you idiot. With how abrupt your mood swings have been, who can blame him? He feels worse about this than anything in his life, and he was scared and ashamed and he already feels wretched so what good is punishing him more?_

Yuri knew, however, that he couldn't listen to these thoughts; not right now, at least. If he did, he might decide to stay here, where he could hug Flynn at night when his nerves acted up. Where Sarah was never more than a short trip away. Where he had no responsibilities except to heal in a safe, comfortable home.

But Yuri was done healing. Flynn's house had been exactly what he needed while he was recovering, but now it was time to leave the protective bubble of rehabilitation. He didn't want to be a patient anymore; he wanted to be just a member of a guild, living his life and getting on with things, and that life lay in Dahngrest. It was time to move on.


	28. Back in Business

Yuri was used to being stared at by now. It didn't make complete sense, because chairs were common and wheels were common and people were common, so when you put all three together it shouldn't be that fascinating. One way or another, it was. Yuri used to ignore them, but now he preferred to stare right back until they got embarrassed and awkwardly shuffled away.

"We're here!" Karol said when they reached the Brave Vesperia building.

Yuri grinned; it had been too long since he'd been here. He followed Karol in and spotted Raven lounging at the little round table near the front window.

"Yo!" Raven waved. "Sorry I couldn't meet ya in Zaphias. I had ta talk with Harry this mornin'. You're lookin' well."

"Still better than you, old man."

Karol eagerly ran for the door behind the front desk. "Your room is down here, Yuri!"

Yuri glided down the hall after him. There was an old office down here that had been used as storage ever since they rented the building. The living areas were upstairs, where he and Karol shared a room.

Except, the storage office was now a bedroom. Yuri rolled through the door and looked around with surprise. He barely recognized the place. The peeling, dirty wallpaper had been taken down and the walls were painted a fresh beige, the wooden floor was swept clear, and the crates had been replaced by a bed, a nightstand, a dresser with a mirror, and desk against the wall. The only chair in the room was in a corner, far away from the desk where it wouldn't be needed. The former office didn't have a proper closet, but a clothes rack sat in the corner. The beam had been lowered to just high enough that shirts were only about a foot from the ground.

"We measured your chair," Karol said proudly. "And Judy and cut the bed frame until the mattress was level with it."

"We already moved your things down from upstairs," Judith said. "I don't think we missed anything, but let us know. We fixed up the bathroom down here, too."

"What? There is no bathroom on the first floor."

"There is now," Karol dashed out of the room.

Yuri followed him out and Karol swung open the door at the end of the short hall. There was an old shower back there, Yuri recalled. The theory was that you could come home after a rough day of adventuring, covered in mud and monster blood, and shower yourself off before heading upstairs to your civilized, tidy bathroom. In reality it was a shower head over a drain in the concrete that Yuri never bothered with because it only had one temperature, and that was to get progressively hotter until you were forced to flee in pain.

Now, the room in the back looked like an actual bathroom. The floor was still plain concrete, but a shower curtain had been put up and a basin had been drilled to the wall under the old spigot. There was a towel rack and a mirror, and even the most rudimentary of toilets. This was fine, since Yuri only needed a toilet to dispose of things after using a catheter.

"You guys sure did a lot of work."

"The plumbing took the longest," Karol crossed his arms with a self-satisfied smile. "But it all worked out. We fixed the shower, too, so you can control the temperature now. And there's a seat in here, too." He pulled the curtain aside to show off a wooden stool with holes drilled through to let water drain. A wire shelf had been drilled into stone wall to hold soap, helpfully at his arm level.

There was a small communal kitchen and seating area across from his bedroom, and Yuri merely glanced in to see they'd taken advice from Flynn's house and moved all the most frequently used supplies to arm's reach on the counter. Yuri couldn't help smiling; he really did have the most amazing friends.

He followed them back to the main room where the others sat down at the table. Raven kicked his feet up on the fourth chair while Karol said, "So, now that you're back, we need to talk about how much you're going to be involved in missions."

Yuri braced himself; this was it. This was going to be the 'Yuri, we love you and support you no matter what but we just can't take you into the field for you own safety,' talk.

Judith nodded. "Right. So, how do you feel about going into the field?"

Yuri faltered for only a moment and then grinned. "I'll go to any field that'll take me."

Judith smiled. "I'm glad you're back, Yuri."

"I know I'm not going to be much use in fights," he said. "I think I can defend myself if I have to, but it would be pretty dumb to charge into a horde of monsters. So, I'll go on missions that take us out of the city, but I'll pass on ones where the job is specifically fighting." It killed him to have to say it, because those had always been his favourite, but he had to be smart.

"Sounds good to me," Karol said. "So. What's going on between you and Flynn?"

"You just assume something's wrong? I told you in the beginning I wanted to come back here eventually."

"Come on, Yuri," Karol said. "Flynn wasn't even home and you could feel the tension in that house. What's going on?"

"All right, all right." Yuri settled in to explain everything.

* * *

After dinner, Yuri unpacked in his room. He didn't have very much stuff, but he took his time as his mind was busy working through other problems. It was focused on Carter, mostly. Now that things were calming down and he wasn't distracted by being angry at Flynn or worrying about Carter coming back, he had time to think.

Why had he wanted to take Yuri with him? When Flynn had asked that day, Yuri had said for a repeat of last time, probably. Now that he thought about it, that didn't make sense. Carter was not a sadist. He didn't hurt people just for the fun of it - at least, not physically. He always had a goal that made all his actions perfectly reasonable and acceptable according to his twisted little mind. He killed a crowd of people because he was  _upset_  and that was logical and what any sane person would do. Kidnapping and torturing Yuri was  _necessary_  in order to manipulate Flynn. Carter would not have dragged Yuri off just to torture him again for his own enjoyment. There was a plan, and Yuri had no idea what it might be. What he did know was that Carter had murdered eight people and a cat in pursuit of his last plan, and a little thing like being thwarted in a first attempt wasn't going to stop him.

Carter didn't know Yuri was here. But, it was common knowledge he was a member of a guild, and it wouldn't take Rita's intellect to figure out that if he wasn't in Zaphias he was probably in Dahngrest. What if he came back?

Yuri picked his sword up from his bed and slowly unsheathed it. It had been a long time since he'd heard that satisfying swish and the smell of steel and sword polish. Yuri turned around (it was amazing how fluid movement was in this new chair) and held the sword out. It felt proper in his hand. He'd missed the weight and the way it swished when he swung it. Had it really been almost four months since he'd held a sword? No wonder his hand now felt glued to the hilt like merely putting it down again risked losing a limb.

Of course, it was more for decoration than anything now. He had his knife tucked into the backrest which he could use in an emergency, but what good was a sword? Yuri swung it again with as much force as he could and felt himself roll an inch backward. No, he would never fight with a sword again. If he got close enough to his enemy to fight with melee weapons, he was close enough that manoeuvrability would be key to victory and his was severely hampered.

"How ya doin'?"

Yuri turned his head to see Raven leaned in the doorway. "All things considered, pretty good."

Raven strolled into the room. "You're sure about taking those weapons back, then?"

Yuri lowered the sword and stared at his reflection in the blade. It hadn't been too long ago that he'd wanted to use this blade to take his own life. "Yeah," he said firmly. "I am. It took me a little while to realize it, but… I'm not ready to give up on life yet. I know things are never going to be like they used to be, but I want to live and see what comes next." He smiled to himself. It felt good to say that and know he truly meant it:  _I want to live_.

Raven had a lot of types of smiles, mostly in the range of playful smirks to boisterous grins, but the one he gave Yuri was a rare example of earnest joy. "I'm glad."

Yuri tucked the sword into the sheath again and tossed it to his bed. "Old man… thanks. I gave you grief about telling Flynn, but… I think I might not be here today if you hadn't."

Raven shrugged and shook his head. "Eh, don't worry about it. Maybe I'm just… payin' it forward. Anyway, I've been thinkin'. You can't fight with a sword anymore, right?"

"I could, but only once."

"Right. What you need is a ranged weapon."

"Like a bow?"

"I was thinkin' of that, yeah. You could sit back and kill enemies before they got close to you."

"You might be onto something here."

"There's a shop that specializes in bows. Should be open for a few more hours tonight. Wanna check it out?"

"Sure."

Yuri had used a bow before, briefly. He'd used most common weapons during knight training, but there had been a general consensus between Yuri, the trainer, and any students standing within ten metres of the target that he ought to stick to melee weapons. It was an issue of patience, Yuri thought. No matter how often the instructor yelled at him to stop and aim properly, he couldn't help releasing the arrow the second he pulled it back. He could never understand why anyone would want to stand still and fire at an enemy in the distance when you could be actually fighting. Now that sitting still was his only option while fighting, ranged weapons had a sudden new appeal.

The bow shop was empty save for the owner when they arrived. The walls were covered in bows that ranged from almost as tall as Yuri to just longer than his forearm. The far left was home to arrows, spread out in cases and barrels. They differed by shaft length, thickness, fletching, and point. Yuri vaguely recalled a math lesson as a child teaching him how to work out just how many varieties there were, and it had something to do with multiplying the number of choices by… something…. But you couldn't eat math lessons so he hadn't paid much attention to it. It was sufficient to know that the number of arrow variations the shop sold was "lots" and that he knew nothing about which were good for which purpose.

"Evening, Raven," said an elderly man crossing the room. "You break your bow string again?"

"What?" Raven laughed. "I'm offended you think I'm that clumsy! Nah, I'm here for my friend."

The man looked down at him and for a second Yuri saw him falter. Before it could get awkward, Yuri stuck his hand out. "Yuri Lowell. Nice to meet you."

He nodded and took the hand, and Yuri couldn't help analyzing his face to see if he was surprised at how firm the grip was. If he was, he hid it well. "Harrison. So, you looking for a bow, lad?"

Yuri nodded. "That's right."

"Got any experience?"

"I used one once a few years back. I hit the target. It was my neighbour's target, but, you know, still a target."

Harrison shared a glance with Raven. "Ah…. This might be a bit tricky."

"Yuri's one of the best melee fighters I've ever known," Raven said. "Equally skilled with a sword or an axe. Beat the commandant - Flynn  _and_  Alexei - in a fight. Since then, he's had a little…." Raven's eyes skirted over the chair as he tried to think of the most tactful way to describe this.

"I got stabbed in the back," Yuri said bluntly. "Literally." He didn't add, 'but that didn't actually cripple me. My supposed true love took care of that, thank you very much.'

"Right. That. So, he wants ta arm himself again, and we figured a ranged weapon would be right up his alley."

Harrison nodded slowly and rubbed the stubble on his chin. "All right… how do you feel about a crossbow?"

"I've never used one of those before, either." Yuri wished the other two would sit down. He felt silly looking up for an entire conversation. It hurt his neck and made him feel like a child talking to grownups.

"They're easier to pick up. It doesn't take much training to be able to hit a target. Plus, I think you'd run into difficulty trying to fire a bow while sitting down. It can be done, but it's tricky. And looking at your hand, I can already see you'd have trouble balancing the arrow and string."

Yuri fiddled with his missing finger. "That's ok, I prefer my left hand anyway. But a crossbow sounds good. Takes longer to load, but if I load it in advance I can fire it right away and make the first shot count."

"It takes a lot of strength to draw. Can you handle that?"

Yuri smirked. "I regularly lift my entire body weight with my arms. I can handle a crossbow."

"Very good. Well, let's find a model that fits you."

Finding a model was more complicated than Yuri had guessed, but it was similar to swords, he supposed. Sure, a good swordsman could pick up any sword of a style he'd trained with and get the job done, but a sword that was the exact right length to balance with the owner's arms, with the exact right density of steel, could tip the tide of battle in a duel between masters. Harrison was clearly a man who knew his stuff, and insisted on getting precise measurements before even starting. He wanted to know how long Yuri's arms were, the width of his chest, and his height.

There was a height chart on the back wall so he could get it down to the quarter inch, and in the frenzy of work he'd actually asked Yuri to stand and be measured. To his credit, it took him only two seconds to realize his error (Yuri counted) and then he chuckled to himself and asked for Yuri's best guess. Luckily, Yuri was able to supply that he was exactly five feet, eleven and one quarter inches, because the hospital had been  _very_  thorough in their exams.

Then they went through the testing. Which draw strength worked best, which loading mechanism did he find easiest to use, which distribution of weight balanced properly in his arms. Harrison ran around muttering to himself as he examined various models and fiddled with mechanisms. He hunted through cases of bolts and kept glancing back at Yuri and then shaking his head and moving on.

"You're a challenge," Raven whispered as Harrison ran off again after having Yuri try holding one and then snatching it away milliseconds after his fingers touched it, babbling something about the safety catch being on the wrong side.

"Is that a good thing?"

"He's having fun. He prides himself on matching the best weapon possible to every customer, and he's gotten very good at it. I don't think he's ever needed to find a perfect match for a guy in a wheelchair with one screwed up hand, though."

At long last, Harrison found what he thought was the one. Yuri knew this because he was allowed to hold it for more than a minute.

"So? How does it feel?"

Yuri rubbed his thumb on the dark, polished wood. "Seems good." He tried to sound like a person who knew what a crossbow was supposed to feel like.

"Come outside. I've got a target out back for testing."

Yuri rested the crossbow on his lap and ignored Harrison's trepidation as he started to move. No, he wasn't going to drop Harrison's baby to the floor. He was actually getting quite good at balancing things on his lap. Behind the shop was a fenced-in alley with a haystack at one end. A paper target had been pinned to it, and though it was past dusk now, street lamps lit the alley enough to see the target clearly.

"That model's especially for lefties," Harrison said. "The safety catch is on the left, see? When you're holding it in your right hand, it'll be easier to set it up with your left. It's got a bit of leather padding on the handle, too, since I'd wager your grip isn't what it used to be. This is actually on the lower end of power, so you'd have to be at close range to pierce plate armour, but it'll do the trick for most monster hides."

"I can handle more power." Yuri scowled; hadn't he specifically said he was fine with the draw strength? He was steadily gaining upper body strength, and that would only improve with time. His legs might be withering, but all that muscle hadn't really left; it had just migrated to his arms.

"I don't doubt it! But more power means more recoil. On a flat surface, it'll send you rolling backward."

Yuri had a mental image of himself firing a powerful crossbow in the castle and then propelling himself backward and decided that less power was acceptable.

"Go ahead and try it." Harrison held out a quiver.

Yuri took the entire thing and then stuck it in the pack on his back, just to make sure he could reach them himself. The quiver fell to the side, but he should be able to sew a strip of fabric in there to hold it in place.

Yuri held the crossbow in his right hand and then twisted around to pull out a bolt from the back. He'd had plenty of explanation for the basic loading process while Harrison ran him through possibilities, and now positioned the bolt and pulled back the drawstring until it clicked. He held it carefully and pointed it at the coloured paper rings twenty feet away. Raven and Harrison both watched closely, and then he squeezed the release and was pushed back an inch from the recoil. The bolt thudded into the hay, grazing the edge of the paper.

Yuri tried to hide his disappointment, but then Raven slapped his shoulder. "Not bad for a first try! Fire another."

It took Yuri ten shots to start consistently hitting the inner rings. Harrison was right; crossbows were much easier to aim than arrows. You just had to point and shoot; none of that fiddly resting an arrow on your finger, holding it drawn, balancing the tip of the arrow even though you only held the back and also remembering to aim.

Firing a crossbow would probably never pump him up with excitement the way sword fighting had, because at the end of the day it was still a point and shoot weapon, but this wasn't about pleasure. This was about feeling like he could kill any bastard coming at him before he was forced to throw himself from his chair and try to wrestle on the ground. It was about being armed with a lethal weapon again and not feeling like the best he could do was protect himself until someone saved him.

"This'll do," he said when he was all out of bolts. "Thanks."

Harrison smiled and led them back inside. "That one costs three thousand gald, plus one thousand for the bolts."

Yuri reached for his wallet but Raven was faster.

"I've got it," Raven said, handing over the coins.

"I can afford it." He thought. Yuri had precious little money at the moment, since he hadn't had any income from the guild in months. He knew he could afford it, he just might not have it on him.

"Don't worry about it."

Harrison took Raven's money, thanked them, and they left the shop. The bow part of the weapon was collapsible, so he could swing the arms shut and easily fit it into the pack on his backrest.

"I can pay you back." It felt like Yuri had been saying this a lot lately, and the most annoying thing was that he couldn't. He couldn't afford to reimburse Flynn and Estelle for all the hospital bills, therapy bills, medication bills, and all the other little things that added up. He also could never repay them for the sheer amount of emotional support they'd given him, because he couldn't even begin to put a price on that.

"I know you didn't enjoy the birthday present I got you much, so think of it as a late gift."

"If you insist."

When they arrived back home, Raven said goodnight and headed off for his apartment in the city. Yuri rolled into his room and looked at the sword sitting on his desk. He'd always kept his sword within easy reach, ever since he'd first gotten one. The only time it had been out of reach was when he was afraid he'd try to hurt himself with it.

Now, Yuri picked it up and carried it to the shelf on the wall. Karol and Judith had nailed it here recently, so it would have been awkwardly low for a standing person but was just at Yuri's head level. He placed the sword on the shelf and then fiddled with it enough so it leaned against a picture frame and he'd be able to see it from across the room. It was nothing more than a memento now. A pang of sadness began to well up, but before it could reach his heart, Yuri spun around and rolled back to the desk. Where the sword had sat, he placed the crossbow with a stubborn smile.

A knock on the door frame caused him to turn around. "Hi, Yuri," Karol said. "I just wanted to say goodnight. Hey, is that a crossbow?" He hurried across the room to take a closer look.

"Yep. The old man hooked me up. Cool, huh?"

"Wow! That's so cool!" Karol pointed it at the wall like he was going to shoot, though it wasn't loaded. "You'll be a pro with this in no time."

"Hope so. Hey, that weight you gave me for my birthday really helped. Thanks."

"Huh?" Karol set the weapon back on the desk. "No problem! I'm glad you liked it."

"I've been thinking of working out. My arms are getting strong again, but everything else…." Yuri had never had excess fat in his life. As a child, he'd had the complete opposite problem and adults - when they could afford it - forced food on him to try to cover up those visible ribs. Now, his stomach had an unwanted squish. "The problem is that I want to do sit ups, pull ups, that sort of thing, but I can't reach a pull up bar and I can't do a sit up."

"Hm…" Karol rubbed his chin. "I'm sure we can work something out. Why don't we head down to the Altosk training ground tomorrow and figure it out?"

"Sounds good."

"Anyway I just came down to say goodnight. I'll see you tomorrow!"

* * *

It was early enough that there was still dew on the grass when Karol and Yuri arrived at the training ground. The field was near Altosk's headquarters and was Dahngrest's response to a public park. Sure, there were areas of open grass where a family could have a picnic, but the pragmatic leaders of the city decided so much empty space ought to be put to use and filled it with exercise bars, archery targets, straw dummies, and a dirt track.

Yuri couldn't keep a smile off his face as he and Karol crossed the field. His old chair would have thrown a fit if he tried to push it over soft grass, but these wheels had been designed with more than a hospital's smooth floors in mind. Yuri led the way to a trio of bars, all of different heights. The tallest one was what Yuri had used for pull ups in the past, but now he set his sights on the lowest bar, which was only a few feet off the ground.

"I think I can do a pull up here," Yuri said. "But I'd need me feet to stay put."

"I can hold them if you need."

The first thing to do was to get out of the chair. There really was no graceful way to do this; it was more of a controlled fall. On the ground, he dragged himself under the bar, lay on his back, and grabbed it. Yuri stared at the bar, tightened his grip, and pulled. His feet slid forward. "Oh, come on! Karol, grab my ankles."

With Karol keeping his legs from sliding forward, Yuri was able to pull his chest up to the bar with a grin of satisfaction. It wasn't actually that hard. After using nothing but his arms to propel himself for a few months, lifting his body weight was child's play.

Yuri focused on pulling himself up and down, keeping a running count in his head. When he'd done a dozen, Karol said, "Oh, good morning!"

Yuri dropped back down and hung his head back. Natz was looking down at him, so he said, "Yo. Didn't know you were in town." Yuri let go of the bar and lay on his back.

"Guild business. I saw you guys on my way to talk to Harry and thought I'd say hello. What's with this? Ordinary pull ups too boring?"

Yuri raised his eyebrows. "You didn't hear?"

"Hear what?"

Karol let go of Yuri's ankles and sat back on his heels. "Yuri got, uh… injured."

"Some bastard managed to get a knife in me." He used the bar to slide forward and then pull himself up. After twisting around, he was still looking up at Natz but at least from a few feet higher. "It screwed up my spine." He rubbed his back.

"Ah, hell, I've heard of injuries like that." His eyes drifted to the wheelchair sitting nearby. "How bad?"

"Pretty bad." He shrugged. "It's all right, though. I'm managing." He was amazed to discover that he was telling the truth. It was pretty bad, but… he was all right. He was here, wasn't he? Out here, working out, chatting with an old acquaintance? The only difference was that he was sitting down, and that wasn't such a huge thing. Standing up or sitting down, he was still  _him_ , and that was what was important.

"So what happened? I can hardly imagine someone getting one over Yuri Lowell."

"Ah…" The words clogged his throat. Ok, so maybe he was all right about it happening, but describing it to someone else was still tricky. He couldn't tell the story without playing it through his mind, and he spent so much time practising  _not_  thinking about it that to tell the story seemed counterproductive.

"There was a serial killer in Zaphias last winter," Karol filled in before Yuri's silence became too prolonged. He gave Yuri a look to ask if it was ok to explain.

Yuri responded with a tiny nod.

"He was trying to hurt Flynn by hurting people close to him. A detective trying to catch him used Yuri as bait to lure him out and it backfired."

Yuri appreciated the simplistic rendition, as well as the tidbit that there had been someone else involved and it wasn't entirely due to Yuri letting his guard down.

"That's a real shame. I'm sorry to hear about it, Yuri."

"Yeah, well, I'm sorry to experience it, but thanks."

Natz said farewell and before Karol could ask Yuri anything about how he felt, he said, "I'm going to see if I can do a sit up."

He couldn't, it turned out. Way back in the hospital he'd tried this and didn't have any luck then, either. At least he could get his trunk slightly higher now than he had then, but he still hit a point where the lower abs were necessary to overcome gravity, and he simply didn't have those. This was annoying, because he didn't just want to burn away fat, he wanted to bulk up his muscles again. Well, he'd figure out some sort of ab workout later. There were other things he could do for now.

For example, after he and Karol screwed around on the grass for fifteen minutes trying to figure out a way to support his legs while he did a push up, Yuri figured that he didn't even need to be out of his chair. He got back in (without any help from Karol, he was pleased to note), buckled the seatbelt, and fell forward. With the small front wheels digging into the grass, he could do something very similar to a push up using the chair as a pivot.

By the time other people started trickling to the training grounds, Yuri and Karol were racing around the track at top speeds. Karol panted and struggled to keep up, while Yuri found it easier as time went on because he had momentum on his side and at these speeds the biggest struggle was not pinching his fingers when he gave another push. The angled axis made this easier, and he could feel the extra stability as he swept around turns.

When Karol finally gave up and fell to his knees with a pant, Yuri tried to stop. He managed to slow down just enough and then skidded to the side. The whole chair rocked and he was thankful for the seatbelt because with his unsteady balance he was flung forward. Karol, panting, walked to catch up.

"Do I win?" Yuri asked.

Karol laugh and fell to the ground in front of him. Yuri liked this, because it meant Karol was looking up at him. He spent so much of his time looking up at other people that it was nice to be the one higher for a change.

"Yeah, Yuri, I think you can safely say you beat me."

"Awesome. I mean, I don't mean to brag, but…." It was just nice to come out on top in something physical for a change.

"I know what you mean. I'm pooped; ready to head back and have a huge breakfast?"

"Sounds good to me."

Maybe it was because he was rolling along next to Karol, whose head was about even with his now, but Yuri felt as tall as he ever had on their way home


	29. Into the Field

Yuri had been in Dahngrest for about a week when Karol awkwardly slid into his chair at the breakfast table and said, "Uhhhh."

Yuri looked up from his cereal. "Something wrong?"

"We got a contract last night," Karol said, swirling his spoon around his oatmeal. "For an escort job."

"Sounds interesting. Where to?"

Judith, sitting across from Yuri and skipping right to the punch, said, "Sands of Kogorh. Some zoologist lost his notebook while studying the native monsters and he wants us to protect him while he searches for it."

"We'd love it if you came with us," Karol blurted. "I mean, it just hasn't been the same without you. It's just, the Sands of Kogorh might be… I mean, it's all just sand and…."

Face glum, Yuri said, "And I can't move on sand." He'd never tried, but it was thicker than snow and didn't even have a solid surface a few inches down. It would take a herculean effort to move an inch. "It's all right. You guys go without me and I'll hold down the fort here."

"Are you sure?" Karol asked. "I feel really bad leaving you behind."

"It's fine. We need all the contracts we can get and if I went, I'd just have to hang out in town while you guys went into the desert." He smiled because he didn't want his friends to know how much it hurt to send them off on an adventure without him. They probably knew, but he could at least make it as easy as possible for them.

"Well… all right. We're going to head out after breakfast."

When the time came, Yuri said goodbye as cheerfully as he could. He even sent Repede with them, because he was a member of the guild and should join them on missions. Karol promised to be back tomorrow morning, and then they were gone. Yuri sighed and turned back to the empty building.

He had pretty much come to terms with life, but that didn't mean he had to be happy about it. He wasn't going to let any stupid injury keep him from being happy, but anger burned inside him as consistently chronic pain. When it flared up, it seared red hot and he hated -  _hated_  - being left behind. It wasn't the end of the world that he couldn't walk, but when he thought about it, the hatred flashed and he was so angry that this had happened. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair. All he wanted was to participate with his friends, but this stupid injury kept holding him back. He'd wanted to come to Dahngrest to get on with his life, but he was back to sitting around at home with nothing to do.

He shoved his wheels to the front desk. Karol kept files on every client they'd ever had, but he was usually too busy to do anything with them but throw them in a drawer. With nothing else to do, Yuri pulled them out and began sorting them alphabetically. What else was he going to do to pass the time?

Mindlessly sorting the files gave Yuri a chance to calm down. It was all right. He didn't need to go on every single mission to be part of the guild. It was just bad luck that the first big one to pop up since he arrived was something he couldn't do.

He was working his way through the L's when the door opened and a small girl crept into the office. She looked around while fidgeting her hands and Yuri said, "Hi there. Do you need something?"

"Um… this is Brave Vesperia, right?" She moved closer to the desk and straightened her blue dress.

Yuri nodded. "That's right."

"Um, my dad said Brave Vesperia is a good guild who helps people with any kind of problem. Is that right?"

"Sure. Is there a problem you need help with? The rest of the guild is out today, but maybe I can help you." Hopefully. He certainly hoped the girl didn't need him to climb a tree or anything he couldn't do while sitting down.

She nodded slowly. "Yes… it's… it's my cat. She got out of the house and now I can't find her." Her lower lip quivered. "She's having kittens soon and I'm really worried about her."

Yuri softly smiled. "Uh-oh, that sounds pretty serious. I can help you find your cat."

"Really?" She pulled out her wallet. "How much does your guild charge for missions?"

"Hm…" Yuri leaned across the desk. "How tall are you?"

"Huh? Ummm three and a half feet, I think."

"Darn, my boss said we're having a special discount of one-hundred percent off for anyone under four feet tall."

"Ah! Really?"

"Yep. I bet he wasn't expecting anyone to show up, but you sure showed him! Put your wallet away and I'll tell him to be smarter with sales next time."

"Ok!" She tucked it into a pocket on her dress.

"My name's Yuri. What's your name?"

"Molly, and my cat's name is Petunia and she's been missing for about two hours."

"We'd better get on it, then." Yuri rolled around the desk and Molly stared at his chair with wide eyes. Yuri stopped in front of her and after a long moment of her saying nothing, he said, "Cool chair, huh?"

Molly bobbed her head. "That's really cool! You don't have to get up to walk to the bathroom!"

Yuri laughed. "Yeah, that's a definite bonus."

He started moving toward the door and Molly hurried after him. "Wait, aren't you going to get up while we look for Petunia?"

Yuri stopped by the door and realized he needed to explain a thing or two. "Actually, no. I don't have this chair just for fun. I need it to get around."

"How come you don't walk?"

Yuri took a moment to figure out an easy way to explain. "Well… a very bad man attacked me, and now my legs are broken. Not broken like a broken bone, but they don't work."

"What do you mean, they don't work?" She tipped her head to the side. "Like… they don't hold you up?"

"Yeah, and I can't move them. I can't feel them, either." He poked his knee. "They just kind of sit here. Don't worry, they don't hurt or anything."  Hell if he didn't wish  _that_ was true....

Molly nodded slowly and then asked, "So… sometimes my little brother attacks me and throws mud at me. Will my legs break too?"

Yuri tried not to chuckle at her fear. "No, you don't have to worry about that. It would have to be a very serious injury."

"One time my dad fell out of a tree and broke his leg, but it got better. Is it like that?"

He shook his head. "No, it's not like that." He was clearly going to need to give her more details before she became paranoid that any little injury could cripple her for life. "You know on your back you have a long bone? It's all bumpy and stuff? That's your spine. Inside it is a long string of nerves that take signals from your brain. So when you think about moving your foot, a little message gets sent from your brain, down your back, and to your foot. When I got attacked, the road the message travels on got broken. The messages can't make it to my legs anymore, so I can't tell them to move. Got it?"

She nodded. "I think so…. So, it's not your legs, it's your back!"

"That's it. Good job."

"And how long will it be broken?"

"Well… forever. It's not going to heal ever."

Molly's face fell, but Yuri found himself not feeling too bad. The more he explained his circumstances to other people, the less unthinkable it seemed to become. "Hey, it's not that bad. I get a cool chair, right?"

Her face brightened. "That's true, your chair is really cool."

"Yeah, right? Well, let's go. Petunia isn't going to find herself." Out on the street, Yuri asked, "Where did you last see her?"

"Uhhh she ran out of my house. I don't think she'd go very far, though."

"Ok, lead me to your neighbourhood."

Yuri followed Molly through the streets. On their way, Yuri spotted a vendor selling freshly caught fish. "Hey, does Petunia like tuna?"

Molly nodded. "Uh-huh. We don't give it to her very often but whenever my mom cooks it she comes out and meows around her feet."

"Maybe we can coax her out."

"Um, do you think that would work?"

"We might as well try." He rolled up to the stand while Molly hovered uncertainly behind him.

The vendor turned to face them, let his eyes fall on Yuri, and immediately swivelled them to Molly. "Good morning, Miss. What would you like?"

Molly startled. "Ah - what? Um - um-"

It was truly amazing the depths someone's mind could go to ignore the idea that a person in a wheelchair was a mature adult. Once while purchasing vegetables in Zaphias, the seller had addressed the woman in line behind Yuri, assuming she was his caretaker. Yuri spoke up loudly and firmly, " _I_  would like some tuna."

The vendor's eyes flicked back to him. "Oh, uh… sorry sir."

They left after purchasing the fish. Yuri set it on his lap and hoped the scent drifted.

"How come he talked to me?" Molly asked, glancing over her shoulder. "I don't know how to talk to seller people… I always get really shy when my mom asks me to buy something."

Yuri had trouble understanding the logic himself, but he did his best to try to explain. "Well… some people think it's weird that I use a chair to get around. They're not sure how to talk to me, or they think my brain is broken like my legs."

"Oh. That's dumb."

Yuri nodded with a smile. "Yeah. It really is."

"I like you better because you're using a chair."

"Oh, yeah? Why's that?"

"'Cause you're like a grown up but you're not so tall so I can talk to you better!"

Yuri laughed. "Well, thanks."

After another block, she jumped up and down and said, "Oh, my house is just around the corner. I bet she's somewhere around here!"

"Ok. Here, take this." He handed her the piece of fish. "Wave it around and call her name."

Molly took a deep breath and yelled, "Petuniaaaaaa!"

They turned around a corner and she called again. Yuri followed behind, letting Molly do most of the work. The cat was more likely to respond to her voice, anyway. After about ten minutes of roaming the neighbourhood, Yuri spotted a flicker of movement under a nearby house.

Yuri grabbed her arm. "Hold up. Is that her?" Peering out from the crawlspace of an abandoned house was a pair of bright yellow eyes. He vaguely saw the outline of a face, but the fur was black as coal so it was hard to see.

Molly gasped. "That's her!" She ran to the house but the cat disappeared under the house again. "Petunia, c'mere!" Molly tsked and waved the tuna in the opening to the crawlspace. As Yuri approached, a black paw shot out and snagged the tuna before retreating into the darkness. "No! Come here, Tuny!" She looked up at Yuri with crestfallen eyes. "She won't come out."

"You said she's pregnant, right? I think she's looking for a nice, secluded place to have her kittens."

"But she can't have them under a house. I need to take care of her."

"It doesn't look like she's going to come out on her own. You're going to need to crawl under there and pull her out."

Molly's sadness turned to fear. "C-crawl under the house? But - but there are spiders and things down there! And maybe rats and crawly things and…."

"You're going to have to face those things if you want to bring her out."

Molly ran behind Yuri and grabbed his shoulders. "But it's so scary and gross down there! You get her."

Yuri sighed. There would be time to teach her to be brave for herself when her age hit double digits. Besides, pulling a moody cat somewhere she didn't want to go might result in more injuries to a six year old than he cared to allow on his watch. "Ok, I'll get her, but I'm going to need your help."

"Ok, what?"

"I'm going to crawl under and get Petunia, and when I tell you, pull my legs because I don't think I can crawl backward."

"I can do that!"

Yuri lowered himself to the ground and then dragged himself to the crawlspace. He crawled into the shadows toward the yellow points of light. "Come on out, Petunia," he cooed. "Be a good girl. Please don't attack me."

A soft growl came from the cat, but Yuri kept going and talking in a soft, hopefully-soothing voice. Petunia's ears pressed back and her tail flicked in sharp jerks. Light glinted on a metal snap on the collar and then Yuri shot his hand out to grab it.

"I got her!"

Petunia yowled and Yuri felt claws slash across the back of his hand. He used his other hand to wrap around her and try to hold her steady. "Are you pulling?!"

"You're really heavy!"

Petunia thrashed in his arms and claws grazed his chin. "Pull me out, pull me out!"

He felt himself move, but less than an inch. Damn, Molly wasn't strong enough to pull him out. He hadn't lost his grip on Petunia yet, but she was giving Zagi a run for his money on making Yuri bleed.

Then Yuri flew backward as someone much stronger pulled him onto the street. Natz looked down at him while Yuri rolled on his side and hugged the struggling cat to his chest.

"Hey, Natz," Yuri grunted while trying to hold Petunia still. "Nice of you to show up."

"I heard shouting and saw your chair. What in the world is going on?"

"You saved her!" Molly cheered. "Wow, thank you, Yuri!"

"Natz - can you - ugh - pick - stop that! - me up?"

Natz hefted Yuri into the chair. Yuri kept one hand gripping Petunia's collar and the other wrapped around her back, pressing her into his lap. Her claws dug into his thighs, but it was better than scratching his arms.

"We need to get Petunia home," Molly said.

"Need some help?" Natz asked.

Yuri shook his head. "I think we got it. Molly, if you push me I can hold onto Petunia."

She bobbed her head. "Ok!"

Yuri grinned at Natz. "We got this." He became aware of a bead of blood dripping down his cheek. This was turning out to be one of the more dangerous guild missions.

Natz laughed. "I can see that."

It was annoying that he'd needed Natz to help pull him out, but he and Molly had accomplished the rest of the mission on their own. They'd just needed some muscle for the heavy lifting. "Thanks for the help, but I'm going to take this cat home."

Natz waved goodbye and then Molly grabbed the back of the chair. With Yuri wrangling Petunia down, they slowly made their way down the street. Molly pushed slowly, but Yuri had mostly managed to hold Petunia so that her claws only scratched his legs. His face and arms stung from the claw marks, but last week he'd endured multiple stab wounds so all things considered this wasn't a big deal.

At Molly's house, she opened the door and then heaved him over the front step. As soon as she closed the door behind them, Yuri let go and Petunia bolted off his lap and disappeared down a hallway.

"Petunia!"

"Don't worry. She'll be hiding somewhere in the house. I'm no expert in cats, but I know dogs like to find a secluded quiet spot to have their puppies. Cats are probably the same. She probably ran away so she could find a place to have her kittens, so you should give her a cozy place here so she doesn't need to leave."

Molly nodded slowly. "Ok… like what?"

Yuri looked around the living room. "Is there a closet you can use? And maybe a box with some blankets in it?"

"Uhhh there's a coat closet over here." She ran across the living room and swung open a door. There was an empty, dark space below the coats. "Would this work?"

Yuri wheeled closer and nodded. "That looks good. Now go get a box or something, and some blankets."

Molly ran off and returned a few minutes later with a large wicker basket. "Is this ok?"

Yuri nodded, and then directed her to set up the nest. He let her do the work on the ground, because leaning down that far was difficult without falling over, but she seemed to enjoy doing it herself. While Molly set up the cat nest, Yuri got directions to the kitchen and washed his face and arms. The cuts were already scabbing over, but he cleaned up the streaks of blood.

Yuri entered the living room again just in time for the front door to open. A woman entered and stared at him while Molly jumped up and grinned. "Mom!"

"Hello, dear. Um, who are you?"

Yuri rolled forward. "Hi. Sorry to intrude; your daughter came to my guild and wanted to hire me to help look for her cat." When he was close enough, he stuck out his hand. "Yuri Lowell from Brave Vesperia."

She shook it weakly, but seemed more confused than alarmed. Yuri took a moment to think about what her reaction might have been if he could still walk. A strange man alone in the house with a little girl? He should have thought this through before following Molly home. But, she didn't seem threatened by him. Why should she be? He was just a harmless cripple. In a way, that was a good thing in this case. He hated people thinking he was helpless, but sometimes it was nice to be assumed harmless.

"I see you encountered Petunia," Molly's mother said. She held up her arm and revealed a set of scratches. "You're not the only one. She's been quite testy lately."

Yuri glanced over his shoulder and saw the black cat creeping toward the now-abandoned closet with the nest of blankets. "I don't blame her. I'd be testy, too, with a stomach full of kittens."

"Yuri helped me save Tuny, Mom!" Molly tugged her mother's arm. "He bought her tuna, too. He's really nice!"

"Well… it sounds like you had a nice morning. I was going to cook grilled cheese for lunch. Would you like to stay, Mr. Lowell?"

It seemed rude to decline. "It would be my pleasure."

* * *

Yuri couldn't remember the last time he'd spent the night alone. He closed up the building, made dinner for himself, and took a shower. It was so nice to be able to take showers again and not need someone to lift him in and out of a bathtub. He got ready for bed and lay comfortably under the blankets, listening to the silence of the house. Even Repede was away tonight. For the past week, his friends had been sleeping right upstairs, before that Flynn was always a shout away, and he certainly was never alone in the hospital. Now, he was the only living soul in the building.

But it was ok. Carter and Zagi were on a different continent, so there was nothing to worry about. He wasn't afraid of Carter anymore. Of course, at lunch today he'd felt grateful that Molly was sitting at the table, so when her mother asked Yuri how he'd been injured he had an excuse to not go into any detail that might scare her and just say some guy attacked him. He hadn't been able to explain when Natz asked, either. It was stupid. After all this time, it still bothered him to play the events out in his mind, and it bothered him that it bothered him.

Yuri folded his arms beneath his head and glared at the ceiling.  _I'm not afraid of memories_. Well… ok, he'd discussed this at length with Sarah and reluctantly had to conclude that he  _was_ , but he knew he shouldn't be and didn't want to be. He could think about what had happened without feeling sick. Even though he was utterly alone in the building and had no one to lean on for reassurance…. Yuri squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. He was never going to sort his head out if he kept running away every time his mind drifted to unpleasant thoughts.

 _I'm lying on my side on the ground._  He forced the image into his head.  _Footsteps are coming and I know it's him. I'm already sore all over so I'm dreading what he's going to do now. When he gets close enough, I can see he's holding a knife. He crouches next to me and I try to kick him, but my feet are tied. He drags the knife across my chest and I grind my teeth into the rag shoved into my mouth. I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of making any noise. He pushes me onto my back and my hands are crushed under my body. The stump of my finger throbs with a burst of pain and I can't see straight for a few minutes and -_

Yuri took a breath and rolled on his side. He absently massaged his hand and scowled at the wall. It was so frustrating. Being physically screwed was bad enough, but he at least wished he could get his head right again. He never would have thought that he'd become comfortable physically before mentally, but letting those events play out made his insides squirm. He took a deep breath and tried again.

_I'm on the ground again but the footsteps coming closer sound different. They clank on the ground and I recognize the gait. Flynn! That lousy idiot finally figured out where I am! Carter is here too, though. He walks forward to stand over me and I hear him talking to Flynn. I can't focus on what they're saying – hurts too much. Carter kicks me in the chest but everything already hurts so I barely notice the spike in pain._

_Flynn and Carter are talking again. Flynn sounds nervous, but I'm on my side and not facing him. I want to roll over to at least see his face but it hurts too much to move. Carter grabs me and pulls me to my feet. Every movement hurts and I almost pass out again but his grip keeps me upright. I can see Flynn's face now, so pale and frightened. It's that special fear Flynn reserves for others in danger, and I feel like crap for making him so worried. All I want is to break away from Carter's slimy grip, collapse into Flynn's arms, and sleep for a week._

_Carter cuts my face. I don't have the strength to even react anymore, and besides, what's one more injury? I manage to meet Flynn's eyes and it's the most comforting thing I've seen since I made it down here. For a moment, I really think he's going to make everything ok, like he always does._

_Agony blasts through my back. I can feel the freezing steel embedded in my back for a second before my blood warms the blade, and then it burns with an intensity like a coal is buried in my spine. The last of my strength vanishes and I crumple to the ground. Carter's boot thuds into my back but I barely feel the added pressure that rolls me onto my stomach. I can't even complete a thought before everything goes dark._

There. He'd reached the end of the memory without panicking and looking away. Sure, his heart was beating a little faster than it should be for lying in bed, but he'd done it. It seemed like a petty thing to congratulate himself on, but he always forced his thoughts to happier things and never sat through an entire memory without Sarah walking him through it piece by piece.

Satisfied, he rolled to his back and drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Karol and the others were shocked, to say the least, when they arrived home the next day and found Yuri with his face torn up. He'd managed to get more injured than any of them while staying home and manning the desk, which Karol said was typical of him. The cat scratches covering Yuri's face and arms didn't bother him too much, though. Molly had been reunited with her beloved cat, and even if he'd needed a bit of help at the end, it had still been a successful mission. It felt good to be the one giving help rather than receiving it.

Best of all, he was able to continue giving help. A few days after the others returned from Mantaic, they had another mission to deliver some supplies from the Carpenter's Guild to their associates in Aurnion. Since Brave Vesperia had the only flying transport in the world, they had a lot of courier missions. Yuri went along with the others and helped haul the bags of nails and planks of wood. The only difference was that he carried them on his lap rather than in his arms.

After that, he and Judith spent a rainy evening staking out a bakery having been hired by a competitor to prove the owner was cutting his flour with sawdust. They found no evidence of anything of the sort, but did have a rather enjoyable evening fighting over sitting space. Specifically, Judith trying to sit on Yuri, because the rain covered the ground in puddles and after an hour of standing in a deserted alley, she wanted to sit down. Both of them ended up thrown to the ground and soaking wet by the time the mission was over. It seemed an odd thing to appreciate, but every time Judith punched him in the face, twisted his arm, threw him in a puddle, and then sat cross-legged in the chair declaring it her turn in the dry seat, Yuri grinned. After months of people tiptoeing on eggshells around him, he had to appreciate someone who stomped across the shells like they weren't even there.

That was the general scheme of things as weeks passed in Dahngrest. Yuri knew that it wasn't fair to blame Flynn and Estelle for worrying so much about him. After his crash and lengthy slump, it was only them taking care of every issue that kept him alive. If they hadn't been on top of things, he might have lain in bed staring at nothing until he died of starvation, or at least until he had so many bed sores they'd never heal. But they'd become accustomed to taking care of him, and now he didn't need someone asking him every day if he'd taken his medication or when he last ate.

With Brave Vesperia, it wasn't that they didn't care, they just didn't treat it as something that ought to be a big deal. Karol asked him about medication when he was on his way out and offered to buy more apple gels while picking things up for dinner, and Judith offered to get things off high shelves for him as frequently as she did for Karol. Comments about remembering to use the back entrance of a building because it had a ramp for carts were thrown out as casually as plans for where they'd stop for lunch when the mission was complete. Yuri's favourite foods and most-used cooking utensils had been quietly re-arranged to the easy-to-reach shelves and without anyone bringing it up, and the normally disorderly guild kept floors clear.

So without anyone really discussing it, life went back to normal. He went on missions, he hung out with his friends, he teased Karol, and they all pulled as much weight as they could.

A few weeks after he arrived in Dahngrest, Yuri sat at the front desk in the middle of the night. There were still several inches of files to be sorted, and such tedious work was an excellent way to occupy the mind. He was singing the alphabet song under his breath to remember what letter came after T when footsteps caught his attention.

"Evening," Yuri said.

Judith stopped at the foot of the stairs. "Oh, hello. I didn't expect you to be up."

"Going somewhere?"

"Just getting a drink." Judith wandered to the kitchen and returned a minute later with a glass. She set it on the desk and leaned over. "What are you doing?"

"Sorting things."

"At four in the morning?"

Yuri leaned back and stretched. "I woke up about half an hour ago. My back is killing me so I figured I'd do something tedious until I got tired enough to fall asleep again."

"Worse than usual?"

Yuri shrugged. "Sometimes it flares up. Don't worry about it. Go back to bed."

She pouted. "You think I'm that heartless? I can't leave you down here in so much pain."

"It's not that bad. I'm used to it and-"

"I meant sorting files."

Yuri looked at the dull reports. "Why do we even  _have_  this many reports?"

"Oh, you know how Karol is." She hopped on the desk to sit down. "He wants to keep meticulous records. It's  _official_. I'm glad you're back; he was starting to drive me crazy after a few months of it being just the two of us."

Yuri chuckled. "Glad I can be of help."

She turned her head with a smile. "Although… I really did miss you, you know. Karol missed you more than he'll ever say. Things just… weren't the same while you were gone."

"You could have popped in to visit more if it was that bothersome." He wasn't upset with them for not visiting more, knowing perfectly well that up until a couple of weeks before leaving Zaphias, he wouldn't have appreciated a visit anyway.

"We could have visited Flynn's house, yes, but not you. What I mean is, I'm glad  _you_  are back."

"Oh." Yuri folded his arms behind his neck and tried to speak casually. "What's with you, Judy? Not like you to be some open-hearted."

"It's been on my mind. I enjoy fighting, but it's terrifying to think one of my best friends is in danger from some demon I can't beat up."

"I'm… sorry. I know I put all of you guys through a lot of grief, but you don't have to worry anymore. I'm better now."

She met his eyes with a hard look. "Three nights ago I came down for a drink and heard you talking in your sleep."

Yuri's eyes widened. "I was what? What did I say?"

"You didn't say much of anything, just a lot of moaning and 'stop' and 'no'. It was obvious you were having a nightmare, but when I went to wake you up, I heard you shuffling around and realized you'd woken yourself."

Yuri remembered that night. He'd awoken with his heart hammering and a sweaty sheet strangling him, and had to get out of bed and roll over to his desk to press his forehead against the cool wood. The exact details of the dream eluded him, but he'd been practising playing out the night he got stabbed again before going to bed so he had a pretty good guess.

When Yuri didn't respond, Judith said, "And in the past, you were someone who always slept with a weapon within reach, just in case. Now you keep your weapons far away from your bed. Is there anything we should know?"

He should have told them. The reason he hadn't was that everything had been going so well. All his friends were optimistic and Yuri hadn't had any… 'episodes' since he got here. Well, there were the nightmares and the difficulty relaxing enough to sleep, but that wasn't the same. "It's just… a precaution. I  _do_  feel better now, but I was feeling better for a little while in Zaphias until one day I just woke up miserable again. I was in a funk for a few days before pulling myself up again. I don't know when it will happen again, but I decided that if I hit a day when I wake up wishing I was dead, then it would be better if I kept any means of achieving that out of reach."

Judith nodded slowly. "I understand. Is there anything we can do to help if you have one of those days?"

"Well… consider this a standing rule that you're allowed to drag me out of bed and force me to eat and take care of basic hygiene. And, don't panic too much. Like I said, last time it went away after a few days. I'll talk to Karol about this, too."

"Good. Now what about Flynn?"

Yuri scowled and glanced away. "What about him?"

"You haven't mentioned him since the day we got here. Normally I'd say this is a good thing because your incessant mentioning of him can be trying at times-"

Yuri gave her a look.

"-but you never mentioning him at all is weird."

"Things are… complicated."

"You said you didn't break up with him, so I suppose that means you intend to forgive him?" Judith absently swirled water around her glass.

"Eventually, I guess. Honestly, when I think about it clearly, I can't really blame him for not telling me. Really, what difference does it make to me? It's not like he disabled me on purpose and either way I'm still paralyzed. The guilt he's felt all these months is punishment enough for not speaking up."

"And yet…."

Yuri frowned and folded his arms on the desk. "Yeah. And yet, I can't help getting really angry. I know it was an accident, and I know he was trying to save my life, but I can't help feeling angry every time I think about him. I've pretty much settled with my life now, but finding out it was Flynn screwing up and not Carter's attack is like… it didn't have to be this way."

"Emotions aren't always logical."

"Look, don't worry about me. Flynn and I spent a good chunk of our childhoods mad at each other. I just need to let myself get over him being responsible and then I'll be able to rationally forgive him for not telling me."

"Ok, as long as you're fine." She hopped off the desk and downed the last of her water. "I'm going back to bed. Are you going to stay up?"

Yuri reached around and rubbed his back. "I guess I should try. It's probably not going to get any better."

"See you in the morning, then."

Yuri shoved the rest of the files back in the drawer, said goodnight, and headed for bed.


	30. Ups and Downs

Yuri's bolt hit the outer ring of the target. "Damn."

"That's not so bad," Raven said. "At least you hit the target. You gotta line up the shot more and not fire the second you're pointing in the right direction."

"You do."

Raven rose from the grass in the Dahngrest park. "Yeah, well this old man's been shootin' arrows since you were a snot-nosed little kid, so I don't have ta think so much." He whipped out an arrow and within seconds sent it whizzing to the target. It hit the bullseye and Raven hollered in triumph.

"Show off," Yuri muttered.

Raven laughed and strode to the target to fetch their arrows. "But of course," he said when he returned and handed over Yuri's bolt. "There are ladies in this park after all. When they see my manly shooting abilities, they'll just fall down at my feet." Raven prepared to shoot again, taking his time so he could properly flex his arms.

"Yeah… good luck with that, old man." The women in the park were busy sparing and Yuri doubted they even noticed them.

"You should try harder yourself. Right now you're just pointing and pressing the button, but if you do it properly you can make it ooze raw masculinity and sexiness."

Yuri raised his eyebrows. "Why in the world would I want to do that?" The very idea of posturing and making himself look sexy seemed foreign. He accepted that Flynn truly loved him and still thought of him as handsome, but that didn't mean anyone else would. Tough warrior ladies were hardly going to line up for a guy who couldn't stand. Ignoring these thoughts, he lined up the tip of the bolt with the target.

"Let out a breath." Raven dropped to his knee by Yuri's side. "Don't breathe in or out while you're shootin', or it'll throw ya off."

Yuri held his breath and concentrated on the target. His grip wasn't as stable as it should be with his mutilated right hand, but he managed to hold it steady enough that his next shot hit the third ring in.

"Gettin' better!"

Yuri lowered the crossbow to his lap. "Anyway, why would I care about attracting other people? I'm not single."

Rather than stand and force Yuri to look up, Raven sprawled on the grass so Yuri was looking down. "Aren't you? I noticed that unopened letter in the inbox. I don't know the details with you and Flynn, but you're certainly actin' like someone tryin'a get over someone."

Yuri thought of the unopened letter with guilt. He should have at least read it so he knew what he was ignoring, but he wanted nothing to do with Flynn right now. The thought of those women who would certainly find him more pitiable than sexy crossed his mind and he wondered if he was clinging to Flynn because he doubted he'd ever find anyone else. Yuri quickly pushed that thought away. He  _did_  love Flynn - he just happened to hate his guts at the moment, and those two things were not mutually exclusive.

He and Raven remained at the shooting range for another fifteen minutes before Raven stretched and yawned. "I'm pooped. Ready to head back?"

"What, already? You really are old if you're wearing out sooner than the cripple."

"Hey, I was up late! Besides, I don't wanna get all sweaty and gross. Raven the Great is gonna go lay the moves on those ladies."

Yuri snorted. "I have to see this." He folded and put away his crossbow and then followed Raven across the lawn. Yuri wondered if Raven would accidentally fall over, because puffing his chest up like that had to make him top-heavy.

"Helloooo ladies," Raven swooned as he arrived at the sparing women. "How are ya doin' on this fine morning?"

The pair of women stopped and eyed him skeptically. "We  _were_  sparring," the blonde one said.

Her dark-haired friend, seemingly undeterred by the interruption, smiled. "I saw you shooting earlier. You're pretty good."

Raven's chest, if possible, expanded more. "Why thank you. You're quite good with a sword yourself."

"Why are you even talking to him, Karen?" the blonde said.

Karen punched her friend's arm. "Don't be rude!" She turned back to Raven with a smile, "You're showing him how to shoot, then?" She gestured at Yuri.

"That's right," Raven said with a grin. "He wanted ta learn from the master."

"That's so sweet." Karen beamed. "So was he in an accident or something?"

Raven shuffled his feet. "Yeah… somethin' like that."

"Wow…" she breathed. "He must be so brave to keep going like this. I think I'd have killed myself if I was crippled like that."

Yuri's breath caught in his throat. He didn't even notice how Raven reacted while reeling from her words. After spending so much time purposefully not letting himself think about suicide, having it thrown in his face like that - especially as if it was the  _sensible_  thing for someone like him to do - made him feel sick. He couldn't even spare a thought about how annoying it was she kept talking about him as if he wasn't here.

When Yuri started paying attention again, Karen was saying, "It's so good of you to take him out of the house. You're so kind. If you want, I'm free tonight. We could get a drink maybe? You can bring him, too, if there isn't anyone else to take care of him tonight."

Over his shock, Yuri sat upright and snarled, "Excuse me?"

"Oh, um, I'm sorry. I didn't mean bringing you would be a last resort." As least she was finally speaking to him as if he was actually present. "We'd be happy to have your company, and I'm sure it would be nice for you to get out." And then, because she was clearly competing with Harriet Dear for the trophy of Most Aggravatingly Condescending Person in Terca Lumireis, she patted him on the head.

Yuri slapped her hand away and snarled, "I think I'll pass, thanks."

"Huh?" She pulled her hand back, surprised "Uh… ok." With a flirtatious smile at Raven, she added, "So will it be just you and me, then?"

Raven stared at her for a few seconds with a hardened expression and then he held up his hands. "Ya know what? I just remembered I'm busy every night for the rest of the week. What a shame." Without another word, he swivelled and marched away.

Yuri turned as quickly as he could to follow. He didn't want to say anything to Karen; he knew he couldn't control his temper right now and he had no interest in being the pitiful angry cripple screaming about being just as good as everybody else.

 _Especially when you know you're not_.

Yuri shoved the wheels forward with more intensity than he needed. She'd patted him on the head. Like a  _dog._ Or, maybe worse, like a small child. Like he deserved a treat for being a good boy and not killing himself like any normal person would have done. He knew she hadn't meant it that way, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

He and Raven didn't talk all the way home. Raven didn't seem to know what to say, and Yuri didn't trust himself to speak. He'd been feeling pretty good since arriving in Dahngrest, but he was beginning to realize his emotional stability was still on thin ice.

Back home, Karol ran through the front room and stopped when he saw them. "Oh, good you're back!"

Yuri stubbornly smiled and refused to let Karol see he was in a sour mood. "Something up?"

"There's a big horde of monsters near Capua Torim. Altosk is heading out to deal with it, but Harry asked us to tag along. Want to come?"

"I'm in." Raven folded his hands behind his head. "Harry could use the support."

Karol looked to Yuri. "What about you, Yuri?"

Fighting monsters…. He  _did_  want to go, but he also knew he shouldn't. He was still getting the hang of shooting the crossbow and a swarm of monsters attacking from all sides was no place to field test it. "No, thanks. I'll pass on this one."

"Ok. We'll be back by tonight and we need to leave right away, sorry!"

Karol ran off to get things together and Yuri headed to his room. "Hey, Repede," he muttered as he entered. "Are you going, too?"

Repede cocked his head and analyzed him. Yuri rolled up to the bed and heaved himself out of his chair. Transferring wasn't really difficult anymore, but it was a huge pain. He rolled onto his side, back to the door, and daydreamed about the days when throwing himself onto bed was an effortless act. The bed springs squeaked as Repede leapt onto the bed and plopped near Yuri's legs. Yuri raised his head to look and saw him curled up with his head resting on Yuri's foot. Sometimes Yuri wondered just how much Repede understood about the situation. He was a smart dog and obviously knew his human was hurt, but he still nudged Yuri's legs sometimes and didn't seem to understand that Yuri couldn't feel it anymore.

It wasn't that he was having a breakdown over one stupid woman. Karen hadn't been deliberately cruel and Yuri doubted she was especially ignorant about these things. That was why it affected him so much: it was a reminder that everyone else he passed on the street thought the exact same things about him. Maybe he was just fooling himself about getting back to a normal life. What did it matter if he accepted himself if nobody else saw him as anything other than a pitiful victim? He poked his thigh; he was half-dead already. It was naive to think he'd ever be treated like a normal person.

A few minutes later, someone knocked on the door and stepped inside. "Hi," Judith said. "Mind if I come in?"

"A bit late to ask, isn't it?"

Judith sat on the side of the bed. "Raven told me what happened."

Ugh, great. So now all his friends knew he was pouting because some lady had been mean to him. "It wasn't a big deal. I'm just tired from shooting all morning." He still hadn't brought himself to roll over and face her, though.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with us? It could be fun."

"Yeah, getting killed is my idea of a good time. I'll just stay here."

"Well… all right."

She didn't immediately leave and after a minute of stifled silence, Yuri said, "Judy… be honest. Do you pity me?"

Judith thought about it for a moment and then said, "Yes."

Hopefully she wouldn't notice how he winced with his back to her.

"When I think about everything that was taken from you, I feel very sad. Angry, but also sad. I know you can carry on and live a fulfilling life if you put your mind to it, but it won't be the same and it isn't what you wanted."

He didn't know what he expected. "Thanks for being honest."

"I'm sorry. I know you don't want to be pitied, but I can't help it. It makes me very sad to think this happened to someone I care so much about."

And that was the truth of the matter. His friends were supportive, but they saw him as someone to pity, too. They were just smart enough not to mention it and polite enough to pretend they still saw him the same way.

"I wish I could tell you things will be all right, but I don't know if they will. That's up to you to decide. It's also for you to decide how much you're worth."

Yuri twisted enough to look over his shoulder and meet her eyes.

"It must be so painful to know so many people underestimate you, but they don't know all the facts. The only one who really knows what you can do is is you, so you're the only one with enough information to assess your worth. Everyone else is simply ignorant, so maybe we should pity them for that?"

Yuri's lips twitched.

Judith smiled and stood up. "We need to get going. We'll be back tonight, probably after nine. Maybe you can have dinner waiting for us?"

Yuri smirked and rolled on his back. "Using me as a cook, huh?"

"What can I say? Your cooking is delicious. See you later."

Yuri lay in bed until he heard the rest of the group heading out and the door slam shut. After a few minutes of silence, he said, "You should have gone with them." Repede growled and made it very clear he thought he was more useful here. He really was a good dog.

Yuri lay in bed until he heard his stomach growl. Heard, because he never actually felt the pangs anymore. With a sigh, he heaved himself out of bed and into his wheelchair. He'd gotten used to paralysis by now, but sometimes a wave of frustration hit him all at once. It was just so  _annoying_  to have to lug himself around like this. He wanted to move his legs so badly he had to force himself to think of something else before it hurt. Yuri rolled himself to the kitchen while trying not to think about how miserable it was to roll himself everywhere.

Repede sat in the doorway to the kitchen as Yuri made himself a sandwich. He considered fishing out the spicy mustard to give it an extra kick, but they didn't use that very often so it was on a higher shelf. Yuri glared at the regular mustard as he spread it on the bread, half-realizing he didn't even want spicy mustard, he was just angry that he couldn't have gotten it even if he did.  He set the sandwich on a plate and put that on his lap. No drink - he didn't feel like stressing over how carefully he had to move to balance a glass on a tray on his lap.

And then there was Judith. Yuri sat at the table and angrily ate his sandwich. She'd been trying to help, and he appreciated her attempt at comforting him. He always appreciated his friends' attempts to cheer him up or help him adjust, but sometimes it got tiring. On one hand, he couldn't blame them for being worried when he was feeling down considering how close he'd come to killing himself, but that didn't mean he was in that state now.

He was angry and he was sad, but that didn't mean he was suicidal. Sometimes he just needed to have these days where he could be surly and upset with the world to let off steam, and he didn't need his friends rushing to pacify him every time his mood dipped. He was starting to fear even telling them when he was feeling upset because he knew they'd immediately start not-so-subtly locking the knife drawers. What he really needed was to talk to someone else who was just as fucked over as he was.

Yuri finished his sandwich and left the plate on the table. Now wasn't the time to worry about taking it to the sink and hey, he thought with vindication, no one was going to reprimand him while they still thought he was in the throes of depression. Back in his room, Yuri rolled up to his desk and pulled out a paper and pen. It had been a while since he'd written to Malcolm, but he was certain he'd feel a lot better after talking things out with a fellow crip.

* * *

Dinner was ready when the others arrived home. Yuri knew Judith had asked him to cook dinner just to give him something to do and feel useful, but it still helped. Every time he prepared a meal, he got simple satisfaction out of figuring out ways to chop vegetables comfortably or performing impressive manoeuvres to pull things out of the oven. Maybe it was silly to feel so proud for producing a lasagna, but it hadn't been too long ago that he'd written himself off as utterly helpless and at least a lasagna was something.

"So, how'd everything go?" he asked as they fell into chairs in the kitchen.

"Fine." Karol folded his arms on the table and leaned forward. "It took forever to kill them all. It was a huge pain."

"It was a lot of fun," Judith said.

"Maybe for you. This old man is pooped."

Yuri balanced the tray on his lap to carry dinner to the table. "Maybe I'm glad I sat this one out." He wasn't. "Sounds like it was a real pain." After setting the tray in the middle of the table, he found room for himself to sit between Karol and Judith.

"So what did you do today, Yuri?"

After a trip to the post office to mail his letter, he'd spent most of it lying in bed with a pillow hugged to his chest, trying to quell his rage. It surprised him how much anger he still had, and he wasn't sure if it would ever truly go away. Usually he ignored it, but it was always there in the background, just waiting for his mind to quiet enough to bring it up.

It was the kind of rage he usually reserved for murders, but now it was directed at… who? Carter? A lot of, yes, but it wasn't entirely Carter's fault he was paralyzed. Flynn? No, he couldn't feel this type of anger toward Flynn. He certainly felt  _some_  anger toward him, but even that was gradually fading whereas this rage had been with him since he first woke up in the hospital. This wasn't directed anger aimed at a specific wrong-doing. This was the all-encompassing despair and grief that had kept him in the depths of depression for so long, only now it had motivation. He was  _angry_  that he was paralyzed. Angry that he couldn't change the past. Angry that his life had to change. Angry that he still hurt so much, all the time. He would never stop being angry about this until he stopped being disabled, and since that was never going to happen he would push it aside to the back of his mind until he had the free time and seclusion to just lie in bed  _hating_.

"Nothing really." Yuri shrugged and served lasagna. "I should count myself lucky. I get to take as many vacation days as I want and you guys will always take my word that I need it."

"Oh-ho, is that your secret?" Raven waved his fork at him. "I'm onta ya now. Slackin' off just ta be lazy."

"Damn I should have tried to hide it longer."

Karol laughed. "Next time, we'll make you get a doctor's note before you skip a mission."

"I can imagine that." Judith smiled and then took a bite of lasagna. "Get an official missive from a doctor. 'Still paralyzed'. This is very tasty, by the way."

"I'll start a journal." Yuri was so good at forcing smiles these days. "'Day sixty-seven: Still can't walk.'"

* * *

Just over a week later, Yuri was trying to make his bed. Ever since he'd started willingly leaving his bed, he'd tried to find the best way to make it after doing the laundry. He never bothered straightening his sheets when he could walk, so he definitely didn't bother now, but he at least wanted to get the bottom sheet tucked under the mattress. Considering his bed was in a corner, this meant he had to lie flat on his stomach on top of the sheet he was trying to tuck and invariably led to a lot of flopping around, cursing, and deciding that as long as the sheet was over the edge of the bed it was good enough.

"Hey, Yuri - oh." Karol stopped in the door. "Do you need help?"

Yuri looked up. He lay on his side, sheet tangled around his legs, and struggling to pull it off them without messing up the corners he'd already successfully tucked. His mouth had already started to form the words 'no, I got it', but then he reminded himself that he was supposed to be working on accepting help from others. He hadn't seen Sarah in more than a month, but he didn't need constant reinforcement to remember things they'd already discussed. "Actually… I think I do."

Karol hopped on the bed and pulled the sheet away from Yuri's legs. "You could have asked us for help in the first place." Karol easily pulled the corner of the sheet around the edge of the bed while sitting on his knees. "Really, Yuri, we don't mind helping out."

Yuri pushed against the bed and then grabbed the wall to help himself sit up. "Yeah, I know." He leaned against the wall and then reached down to drag his legs out of Karol's way. "I do appreciate it. You guys have been great." It was amazing they had tolerated his dependency for so long. Yuri pressed a hand to his face and squeezed his eyes for a second; that was the depression talking and he didn't need to listen to it.

Karol finished folding the sheet and clambered off the bed. "I can get your blankets, too."

"No, I'll get them." He could do that, at least. There were so many things he couldn't do that he was fiercely protective of the things he  _could_. He pulled himself off the bed and swung into the chair. It wasn't too difficult to pull the blanket from the laundry basket and toss it on the bed. It didn't have to be perfect.

"Actually, I came to tell you we got a mission. A merchant wants us to join his caravan to Heliord in a few days."

"Can't we just give him a lift with Ba'ul?"

Karol crossed his arms and leaned against Yuri's dresser. "No. He got all snooty about not trusting flying beasts. He seems like a real jerk, but a job is a job. That's only half of it, though. We got a letter from Estelle this morning saying Flynn has to visit the Knight outpost in Heliord for some work thing and she's coming with him. She wants to know if we can make it to visit. So, do you want to come on the mission?"

Yuri focused on stuffing a pillow into a pillow case while he considered it. An escort mission on foot would be difficult, but he could go with a caravan and ride a wagon. Of course, there would be no wagon for the trip back. He could probably make it. Pushing himself over miles of grass and uneven terrain would be a pain in the ass, but he could handle it. It would be fun to get out of Dahngrest, and seeing Estelle was always a treat, but… Flynn. It had been a month since he'd seen Flynn and his outrage had faded to a sick clench in his chest at the thought of him. It was likely, though, that seeing him in person again would make the anger flare up again, and they were certain to get into an argument.

"Is it all right if I sit this one out?" He tossed the pillow on the bed. "I don't think I'd be able to make the trip back."

"Yeah, of course it's all right." Karol smiled at him. "I was thinking the trip back might be too difficult, but I thought I'd leave it up to you."

"Thanks." His smile was completely earnest and he wondered if Karol realized just how much it meant to Yuri to be asked before getting written off.

"I'll let you off the hook for a doctor's note this time. Oh, and this letter came in for you, too." Karol handed it to him and then left the room.

Yuri opened the letter with curiosity and recognized the sender as soon as he saw the handwriting. The letters were crooked, poorly-formed, and looked like they'd been written by a small child, but Yuri wouldn't even come close to judging Malcolm for his attempt at writing. It had only been a few months ago that he couldn't even read, so countless spelling errors and difficulty holding a pencil was still a big step forward for him. Smiling at his friend's progress, Yuri read the letter.

Five minutes later, Yuri entered the main room where Karol and Judith were discussing the upcoming mission. "Hey, guys."

"Good morning, Yuri," Judith said. "You got the laundry I left for you, right?"

"Yeah, thanks. Hey, Captain, I've been thinking."

"What about?"

"I changed my mind. I want to go to Heliord after all."

Judith smiled. "Oh, that's great. I've missed your company on missions."

"That's great!" Karol beamed. "What changed your mind?"

Yuri shrugged. "My friend Malcolm lives in Heliord now. Thought I'd pay him a visit, and… there are some things I want to check out. Judy, would it be too much trouble for Ba'ul to pick us up for the trip home? Or… he could just pick me up, maybe, if you guys want to walk back."  _It's ok to ask for help_ , he reminded himself when that stubbornly self-destructive part of his brain wanted to shout at him for asking for accommodations.  _Everyone here knows why you need to ask for help. No one thinks less of you for having trouble going long distances over rough terrain._

"It would be no problem at all."

* * *

The morning of their mission, they met the merchant at the coach house where his wagons were being prepared. Two of them had been loaded so far, while the final one had a ramp leading up to the bed while workers carried crates up.

"Good morning, Mr. Culbert," Karol said.

Culbert, a man built like a reed and with as many chins, strode forward. "Ah, yes, you are Brave Vesperia, correct?"

"That's right." Karol stood up as tall as he could and smiled. "I'm Karol, and that's Judith, Repede, and Yuri."

Culbert looked them over, but Yuri didn't like the way his eyes landed on himself. He especially didn't like the way Culbert then said, "What's this?" and gestured at Yuri's everything.

Judith looked at Yuri. "I always thought he was a person, or did you maybe mean 'who'?"

"He's a member of our guild," Karol said.

Yuri folded his arms. "Got a problem with that?"

Culbert wrinkled his nose. "I'm not paying to be protected by a  _cripple_."

Yuri stiffened and for a second his vision blurred with anger. A  _what_? Ok, yes, he called himself a cripple several times a day and it never bothered him when his friends used the word, but they had a way of saying it like they were stating a fact rather than pointing at something unpleasant under their shoe.

"If you don't want Yuri, then you can't have any of us!" Karol folded his arms and stuck out his chin, which might have been cruel to rub it in the face of someone who had none.

Meanwhile, Yuri struggled with the desire to curl into a ball under a blanket he did not have. It wasn't just that Culbert had called him a rude word; it was yet another reminder that this was how everyone who wasn't a close friend really saw him. He felt stupid for being so affected by a word, and then he felt stupid for thinking he could join this mission like a normal person. "Fine." He jerked the wheels around and wished it was possible to make dramatic exits in a wheelchair.

"Hold on, Yuri," Karol grabbed his shoulder. "We're not leaving you behind."

Culbert crossed his arms. "He can tag along, but I want a discount."

Karol turned to face him but kept his hand on Yuri's shoulder so he couldn't run away. "Yuri's just as much a member of our guild as anyone else. Tell him, Yuri."

"Maybe so, but he won't be much use defending my caravan. I thought I was paying for three warriors and a guard dog, not two fighters and one cripple. What's he going to do if we get attacked, use himself as bait?"

It was  _so stupid_  to be affected by some asshole's words like this, but Yuri couldn't help it. Hearing the words he tried so hard to ignore from himself coming from another person just made him feel like crap.

"Our guild charges a flat rate," Judith said. "We gave you the original price before we even asked Yuri if he wanted to come. If it helps, think of it as paying for Karol, Repede and I, and Yuri is a particularly helpful passenger."

Culbert rolled his eyes. "Fine. Just don't let him get in the way and I'm not slowing down the caravan if he gets into trouble."

Yuri turned around again. "Oh, well aren't you generous. I'll ride on the cart." What a prick. In a way, though, Yuri actually appreciated his blunt disregard more than the attempt at sympathy from Karen. Both of them thought he was a helpless cripple, but he'd rather be insulted than patronized. These people were  _stupid_ , he told himself. Stupid and ignorant. They thought he was helpless because they didn't know any better. The best way to feel better would be to rub in their faces just how wrong they were. Then he'd feel good about himself  _and_  make them look like idiots.

He rolled up to the ramp and cut in front of a worker carrying a crate up. The ramp was steep, but he managed to get up to the bed of the cart and then roll between the crates to the front seat. There, he grabbed the back of the driver's bench and swung himself onto the seat. He pulled the crossbow out of his bag and rested it on his lap. "Well, I'm ready to go. What are you losers waiting for?"


	31. Together Again

They would reach Heliord later today. It had been an uneventful trip so far, and Yuri was trying to figure out if he was glad or disappointed. Having no fights meant he didn't have to worry about needing his ass saved, but it also meant he didn't have a chance to prove he didn't _need_ his ass saved. Culbert's men still saw him as a friendly cripple getting a free ride to Heliord. Most of them were nice about it, but Yuri didn't want people to be nice to him. He wanted people to respect him, which was turning out to be one of the most frustrating things to wish for. Sure, he wished he could walk or control any amount of muscle below his chest, but he knew that was physically impossible. Getting people to see him as a competent adult, however, was hypothetically possible and yet still just out of reach.

Around noon, they stopped for lunch. Everyone else climbed down from the carts, but Yuri didn't bother. The cart was now too full for him to roll to the exit and he didn't want to make the others pull out the ramp. When he had to, Judith helped him get down to sleep, but there was no point making a scene just for lunch. Karol clambered up to the driver's seat next to Yuri.

"Here you go!" He handed Yuri a sandwich. "We'll be there soon."

"Great. This seat is really uncomfortable." He patted the flat wooden bench.

Karol paused halfway to a bite of his own sandwich. "Wait - what do you mean uncomfortable? You can't feel it."

"Yeah, but I keep having to remind myself to shift around because if I sit on something flat and hard like this for too long I'll start getting sores." The mental image of a rotting butt Cecilia had mentioned all those months ago came back to him. There were few things he wanted to prevent more than ass rot.

"Oh, I see. So do you need anything else?" He glanced away. "I know you have, like… schedules to keep and stuff."

Yuri snorted at Karol's discomfort. "I got it under control." He hadn't considered how much of a pain travelling could be, though. He needed to cath at specific times a day or else he'd have a rather embarrassing accident. Mr. Culbert was hardly going to stop the caravan for him, though, so he was stuck using the kind that stayed in and hid under his pant leg. The bumpy road and unpadded bench on the cart kept jostling him around and it was a struggle to hide how often he nearly fell over from losing his balance. All the bumps jarred his spine, too, so he'd been in a constant ache since they left Dahngrest and sleeping on the ground didn't give him a chance to recover. Then there was all the space in his luggage dedicated to medication and it all led the confirmation that travelling while disabled was a massive pain.

Of course, it would probably be a lot less frustrating if it was just him, Repede, Judith, and Karol. He could do without the snide comments from Mr. Culbert who seemed to think that maybe if he complained enough, Karol would give him a discount.

Just as Yuri was thinking that, the man strode up to the cart. "Excuse me, young man."

Karol glanced down and tried to his his annoyance. "What is it?"

"I'd like a word about your fee."

Karol gave Yuri a look and rolled his eyes before hopping to the ground. "What now?"

"It occurs to me that in the course of the journey, we haven't encountered a single danger. Therefor, your guild has hardly earned your keep. I see no reason to pay your full fee when you haven't done anything to earn it."

Karol crossed his arms. "What."

Yuri raised his eyebrows and watched from the cart. Man, this guy never let up.

"You and your guild have just been tagging along and benefiting from the safety of numbers of my caravan, therefor I think you should at the very least discount your fee by fifty percent."

"I don't think so," Karol said.

"Now see here-"

Yuri didn't find out what Karol was supposed to be seeing there, because his attention was caught by a rustle in the bushes about twenty feet away. The bushes fell silent again, but Yuri kept his eyes trained on them while Karol and Mr. Culbert argued over the price. Nobody else in the group was paying any attention to this section of trees. Judy and Repede were keeping watch on the other side and Culbert's workers were focused on lunch. Quietly, so as not to raise alarm, Yuri leaned over to reach into his chair's bag and pulled out the crossbow. He notched a bolt and pulled the string back, ready to fire.

Karol was losing his calm now. Yuri couldn't blame him, because Culbert was so stingy he made Cumore look altruistic. The bush rustled again and Yuri caught a gleam of light reflecting off an eye. He raised the crossbow and took aim.

"Hey!" Culbert turned around. "Just who do you think you're aiming at?!"

Yuri's eyes flickered to Culbert and then back to the bush. "If you're afraid I'm going to hit you, get out of the way."

"Is that a threat?" He planted his fists on his hips. "How dare you point that thing at me! I'm paying you to protect me!"

"No, you're not." Yuri didn't even look at him. "I'm a useless disabled tag-along, remember? You specifically refused to pay for me because there's no way I could be of any use."

Culbert nodded and waved his hand. "Well, yes, that's true."

The wolf chose that moment to strike. For a very brief moment, Yuri considered letting it pounce on Culbert, but then he pulled the trigger and launched the bolt. It thudded into the beast's chest until only the feathers stuck out. The wolf collapsed to the ground with a yowl rivalled only by Culbert's own shriek of fright. Everyone else in the caravan leapt to their feet and came running, but Judy and Repede were the only ones who continued into the woods to check for more monsters.

Karol gave Culbert a satisfied smirk as the merchant caught his breath. "Have we earned our fee now, Mr. Culbert?"

Culbert glanced between him and Yuri and began, "Well… as he said, I wasn't really paying him in the first place and it's not like the rest of you…" He saw the deadly glares Yuri and Karol were giving him and sighed. "Yes. Fine. I suppose you have."

* * *

Finally saying goodbye to Culbert was the best thing that had happened to Yuri in days. Karol collected their fee (actually managing to get the full amount with only minimal whining) and then Brave Vesperia took off for the inn to meet Estelle and Flynn.

"Boy is that a weight off my shoulders," Judith said, stretching her arms back. "He was rather unpleasant."

"I can't believe how rude he was!" Karol scowled. "Especially to you, Yuri."

Yuri shrugged. "Eh, I'm used to it."

"Hmph. It still makes me mad. I hate it when people are rude to you."

"Don't feel too bad," Judith said, giving Yuri a little smirk. "Maybe it's karma finally catching up with him from how often he's rude to others."

"I'm not rude." Yuri considered this and then considered his past and then amended, "I'm honest."

Karol rolled his eyes. "Honestly a pain in the butt."

When they entered the inn, the first thing Yuri saw was Flynn and Estelle sitting on a couch in conversation. Estelle leapt to her feet when she saw them and dashed forward.

"Hello!" She hit Judith first and wrapped her in a tight hug, then leaned down to embrace Karol and Yuri. She turned to Repede, tentatively raised her hand, and then dropped with with a pout when Repede growled. "How are you?" she was already smiling again when she looked back to the others. "Did you have a good trip?"

"Mostly uneventful and a little boring," Judith said. "The client was rude, as well. We did have some action near the end, though."

Flynn had approached by now and said, "Nothing too dangerous, I hope."

"It was awesome!" Karol punched the air. "Our client was whining about us never getting attacked and us being useless and how Yuri shouldn't even be here, and then pow! Yuri shot a wolf right out of the air!"

"Shot?" Estelle looked to Yuri. "What did you shoot it with?"

"Crossbow." He pulled it out of his bag. "Raven hooked me up with it."

"Oh, wow!" She beamed. "That seems like a great weapon for you." She turned to Karol and said, "So how have your other jobs been going?"

While Karol and Judy talked to Estelle, Flynn turned his attention on Yuri. "Hello, Yuri. It's… good to see you again."

Yuri looked up at him - he hated having to look up at Flynn - and said, "Sure."

"How… um, how do you feel?"

Yuri shrugged. "My back hurts. Same as usual." He wasn't angry at Flynn, Yuri discovered. Instead, when he looked at Flynn he just felt… nothing. His fury with Flynn had calmed down to a point where it almost perfectly matched the affection he ordinarily fault, so the two conflicting emotions cancelled out and Flynn was just… there.

Flynn cleared his throat and straightened his back. "Yes. Well…. I have matters to attend to. I'll see you later, Yuri."

He left, although Yuri was in a mood to call it "running away". Karol, Judy, and Estelle watched him go in silence, and then Estelle said, "Karol, Judy, I bet you're tired from your journey. You should go book your rooms and unpack."

Yuri raised his eyebrows. "And I'm not tired?"

"You were sitting on the cart for the whole trip, so you still have energy to join me for a walk, right?"

Karol started, "Actually, I could-"

"Great!" Estelle grabbed Yuri's arm and started toward the door.

Yuri was forced to use his other arm to turn around and keep her from rolling him backward. She released his wrist so he could push his other wheel and the pair left the inn. Yuri quickly rolled level with Estelle and then followed her along the road.

"So how have you been?" Estelle asked as they passed under bright green trees. Spring was in full swing by now; it was closer to summer than winter. Yuri recalled the first time he and Estelle had gone for a walk after he was injured, when he'd been too weak to push himself through snow and Estelle had walked behind him to push. They were side-by-side now and Yuri wondered just how much stronger he'd be by summer.

"Honestly, I'm doing great. I've been going on every mission I can and generally just enjoying myself in Dahngrest. Karol and Judy have been the exact kind of support I need and I never thought I'd say this, but the old man has been pretty great, too."

"And what about… you know, those times when you feel really bad?"

Yuri frowned, because he hadn't wanted to worry her, but since she directly asked he might as well tell the truth, or she'd find out from Judy later and be upset with him. Yuri wasn't going to lie to someone he loved just because they wouldn't like what he had to say, unlike _some_ people. "Ok, so it hasn't been perfect."

Estelle's face fell. "How bad?"

"There was only one time it got bad. Some woman made some dumb comments and it really threw me off. I'm fine now, though."

Estelle gave him a skeptical look.

"Really! I am! Ask Judy or Karol. I was out of sorts for a few days but I'm feeling better now. Honestly, this is the closest I've felt to my pre-injury self yet."

Estelle's worry broke into a smile. "That's so wonderful to hear! I've been worried about you. You never wrote." She looked down at him with a pout.

Yuri winced. "Ah… sorry."

She sighed and looked ahead. "That's ok. You never used to write either."

"I write sometimes!"

"Barely! And only if I write first and include a pre-addressed envelope so you get the point!"

"Well… I know Karol writes all the time and I never have anything to say that he hasn't already covered." Yuri just wasn't used to writing letters. Everyone he'd known until last year lived within a few miles of each other. There was no point writing letters to other people in the lower quarter.

"I'm just glad you're doing well." She stopped to bend over and hug him, but then quickly shifted her position and kept lowering herself until she sat on his lap. From there, she wrapped her arms around him and rested her head comfortably on his shoulder like she used to. "I'm really glad you're feeling like yourself again."

Yuri hugged her back and pulled her a bit closer, because he couldn't feel her on his lap so he worried she might be falling off. "I'm really sorry for scaring you so much."

"Good!" She raised her head and halfheartedly punched his shoulder. "Because you really did, you know. It was such a long winter. It killed me to see you suffering so much, and I still hate to see you like this but if you're feeling like yourself again, then that's all I really want." Her smile could have melted the winter. "It's such a hard thing, isn't it? To be yourself? I don't think a lot of people understand just how hard it can be."

Yuri released her and Estelle slid to her feet. "That's good, though," Yuri said. "I'm glad the others have never had to fight just to hold onto their identity. No one should have to do that."

"But you did it." Estelle held up her hand. "The sign of victory."

Yuri grinned and slapped her hand. "All right!"

Still smiling, they took off again. After a few minutes, Estelle said, "So, Yuri… can I ask you about Flynn?"

Yuri's smile slipped. Everyone wanted to ask him about Flynn, which was the one topic he didn't want to discuss. "What about him?"

"He told me what happened. About lying to you and all."

"Good for him."

"He's been really upset, you know. He's been at the castle almost constantly and Sodia and I practically have to bribe him to go home and get some rest. I think he's avoiding going home because going back to an empty house reminds him you left."

Yuri rolled his eyes. "So he's being over-dramatic again."

"He's not! He's really upset. He feels terrible about what he did and for lying to you. It's really bothering him."

"Well, good! It should bother him. It still bothers me that I'm paralyzed, so why shouldn't he still be bothered that he did it?"

"Are you really still mad at him? Even after a whole month?"

Yuri thought for a moment and then sighed. "I guess not. I understand why he didn't tell me about it, and I know he didn't do it on purpose. I'm just kind of… mad in general, I guess, and it's landing on him."

"Good. I know what happened to you is terrible, but I've seen how happy you are with Flynn and I'd hate for you to never forgive him. You really should talk to him. He was so nervous about seeing you today."

"All right, fine, I'll talk to him when we get back."

They enjoyed the rest of their walk, although Yuri would have enjoyed it more without the thought of talking to Flynn looming over him. Back at the hotel, Estelle looked up the stairs.

"He's in his room upstairs. I can help you go up there, or I can ask him to come down."

It would be nice to talk privately upstairs, but he didn't want to burden Estelle with carrying him. "Have him come down."

Estelle disappeared upstairs and a minute later, Flynn came down looking nervous. Yuri waited by the benches in the corner of the lobby, and Flynn slowly approached. As soon as he arrived, he sat down across from Yuri rather than try to talk to him standing up, which was a point in his favour.

"Hi," Flynn said.

It really was dumb to hold a grudge against him. Flynn knew he was in the wrong for keeping this a secret, and there was no point hating him for an accident. Now that he was in front of him, part of Yuri just wanted to kiss that sad, dumb face of his.

But there was another, duplicitous part of him that saw Flynn and said, _You'd be standing up right now if it weren't for him_. Yuri wanted to ignore that voice, because he was certain it was the same voice that crept into his room in the middle of the night and told him life would be easier if he was dead. But because it was that voice, it wasn't so easy to ignore. Flynn hadn't crippled him on purpose… but it was his fault.

Yuri had been staring at Flynn wordlessly for a long moment. Flynn broke the silence while fiddling with his hands. "Would it… would it help to apologize again? It feels like an empty gesture, but if it would help, I'll apologize until the sun burns out."

Yuri sighed and shook his head. "You idiot." He rolled up next to the couch and quickly transferred over. With one arm slung around Flynn's shoulders, he leaned over to kiss his cheek. "I'm not mad at you."

_But you are. He paralyzed you. He's the reason you're trapped in this chair._

Shut up.

Yuri could feel the tension leaving Flynn's shoulders. "You don't hate me?"

"Nope." _If he had just been more patient, you could have walked out of the catacombs._

Stop thinking that.

It was the suicide problem all over again. These thoughts were making him miserable and he didn't want to think them, but he couldn't stop.

"Good. Maybe now I can find a way to stop hating me, too."

Yuri pulled his arm back and made himself comfortable. "If you had left me and waited to bring Estelle down, there's a good chance I would have died."

"We don't know that for sure. You might have survived."

"And I might not have. I had a much better chance of not bleeding to death by you carrying me out of there. There was a time when I thought I'd rather be dead but intact than alive like this, but that's a stupid way of thinking. Look, Flynn…" Yuri slapped his thighs. "I'm happy, even like this." Yuri thought about that, and then said it again just to revel in being honest. "I really am happy. I'm not just surviving, I'm living, and that's because of you. I very nearly bought it down there, but I got a second chance because you carried me out. I'd rather my spine be broken in a wheelchair than intact in a coffin. You did the right thing."

Flynn had been sour-faced since Yuri arrived in Heliord, but finally he broke into a smile. "I've waited so long to hear you say that."

"What, forgive you?"

"That, and for you to be so… so positive about this. I always knew you could bounce back from anything. I had started to worry that the last couple weeks before you left were a fluke and you'd fall back into depression, but you really are the Yuri I knew again."

Yuri stretched his neck because this was getting a lot more emotional and him-centred than he'd been prepared for. "Man, people need to stop saying stuff like that. Makes me feel all self-conscious."

Flynn dragged him back to kiss his cheek. "It was such a long winter, Yuri."

"You think it sucked for you? Ha! I'm the one who was suicidal. Stop being so lovey-dovey. People are gonna start asking us to get a room." Despite his protests, Yuri made no move to pull away.

"We should, actually."

"What?"

"Get a room."

Yuri snorted. "We already have rooms. We're staying at this inn."

Flynn rose to his feet. "Then let's go to yours. Karol and Judith got rooms on the first floor, I believe?"

"Hopefully. I'll ask the innkeeper."

"Good, because I've missed you this past month. I really think going to Dahngrest was best for you and I'm so glad to see how much you've flourished, but I still missed having you in person."

Yuri dragged himself back into the chair and grinned. "I'm certainly up for some welcoming back."

Flynn rested his hands on Yuri's shoulders and leaned down to kiss his forehead. "Considering I spent the past month convincing myself you never wanted to see me again, I have a lot of welcoming to give you."

Yuri was eager to follow him because, truth be told, he had missed Flynn, too. It was hard work being angry at someone you loved and it would be nice to go back to the simple affection they'd shared before. They had forgiven each other for major differences in the past, so this was just one more bridge to put behind them.

And Yuri did forgive Flynn. He really, really did. He just wished he could turn off that little voice that kept reminding him that he would be jogging up the stairs to Flynn's room and not rolling behind him if Flynn hadn't messed up. Flynn didn't do it on purpose, but he had, and it was damn hard to forget about that.

* * *

Yuri awoke to something tickling his neck. His knee-jerk reaction was to kick it, but since his knees no longer jerked nothing ended up happening. This was just as well, because a second after gaining consciousness, he realized it was Flynn. Yuri still hadn't moved (not for want of trying) so Flynn was under the impression he was still asleep. His lips tickled the back of Yuri's neck while his fingers played in Yuri's hair, which was finally long enough to play with again. Yuri considered lying here for a few more minutes and seeing what else Flynn would do while thinking he was asleep, but then Flynn pulled his hand away.

"Sorry to wake you."

Yuri twisted his torso around and opened his eyes. "What tipped you off?"

"You went stiff. You usually loosen up more when you're unconscious."

"Seems going motionless is a recurring problem in my life. You don't have to stop kissing me."

Flynn rolled onto his back and stretched his arms. "I should, though. I have to get ready for a meeting with the captain stationed here. That's why I came in the first place."

Yuri tried to pay attention while Flynn grumbled about some Knighthood politics he needed to take care of, but Yuri was distracted. Flynn's arms were folded on his naked chest, and the blanket lay tantalizingly around his waist, filling Yuri's imagination with thoughts of what lay beneath. That led his mind to wander into memories of the fun night they'd had. They'd spent the afternoon lying in bed and chatting between kisses before going out for dinner with the rest of Yuri's friends. Judith caught on to the glances they kept sharing and the time she caught Flynn's hand resting on Yuri's thigh even before Yuri noticed. She claimed to be concerned with whether the inn had moved the dresser in Yuri's room so there was actually room for him to get to the bed, giving them an excuse to head back early and check it out. Yuri guiltily realized he wasn't sure where Karol ended up sleeping, since they had been planning to share the room, but maybe Judith sent him upstairs to Flynn's, knowing Flynn's bed wasn't going to be touched that night. Yuri had been angry with Flynn for a long time, and some primal part of him still was. The anger had given the night extra heat until they'd finally fallen asleep tangled together.

"…which is why I had to come see him in person in the first place." Flynn sighed and turned his head to Yuri. "Not that I'm complaining now. I'm glad I took the time to meet you here."

There was a pause in Flynn's monologue, so Yuri nodded and grunted, "Yeah." The only time Flynn's hair was ever tidy was in the five minutes after he combed it with water to get it to lie flat. It was miraculous, then, that it managed to reach new heights of tousled after the energetic night they'd had.

"Hm… well, anyway, that's why I plan to replace the entire brigade in Heliord with a regiment of trained alligators."

"Uh-huh… wait, what?"

Flynn punched Yuri's shoulder. "You're not even listening to me."

Yuri hadn't bothered turning his hips when he twisted around, so it was easy now to flop back to his side. "You know I can never keep track of all your work crap."

"You used to listen. When you were in the hospital."

Yuri craned his neck over his shoulder. "That should tell you how incredibly bored I was in there. You want to go back to that?"

Flynn smiled and let out a contented breath. "No, I certainly don't. I like you much better as you are now."

"Good." He rocked to gain momentum and then heaved his hips to the side so he could lie flat. "I'm kind of fond of you, too. How do you feel?"

Flynn raised his eyebrows and then glanced at Yuri from the corner of his eye. "Well… considering how emotionally fucked I've felt for the past few months, a non-metaphorical version of that is appreciated."

Yuri snorted and had to laugh. He would never tire of peeking through the cracks of Flynn's professional facade. Maybe that was because he felt so privileged to be one of the very few people who even knew they were there. "You're not sore, are you?"

Flynn shrugged. "Only a little. What about you? Are your arms all right?"

Yuri stretched his bare arms and then rubbed his biceps. "Sore muscles, but it was worth it." He'd never experienced aches in his arms post-sex before, but sex in the past had never involved so much upper body strength or repeated push-ups just to get hip motion.

Flynn looked to the clock on the bedside table and then yawned. "I really do need to get up."

Yuri let his arms drop, one of them dropping on Flynn's chest. "You can't. If I see you stand up, I'll be so overcome with envy that I'll become depressed again. The only solution? You have to stay in bed with me all day."

Flynn frowned and wrapped a hand around Yuri's wrist. "Don't joke about that."

Yuri shrugged. "It's my screwed up head. I'll joke about it all I want."

Flynn sighed. "If it helps you cope, I supposed that's acceptable." He moved Yuri's arm off his chest and slid out of bed. "I do have to leave, though. It's already eight. This is supposed to be a business trip, not a vacation."

Yuri frowned with regret as Flynn tugged on the clothes discarded on the floor. So much for the view. "Your uniform is a bit wrinkly, don't you think?"

Flynn automatically smoothed his shirt. "Yes, but I have another in my room upstairs. I suppose I should go wake Karol up."

"Don't. He'll automatically ask where you were all night and then he'll remember and then he'll internally scream trying to face you while pretending he doesn't know. Just creep in quietly and you won't even disturb him."

Flynn chuckled. "All right then. Will you be here when I take a lunch break?"

Yuri propped himself up on one sore arm. "Probably not. I'm going to go visit my friend Malcolm. He lives in town and I haven't seen him since he got discharged."

"Oh, that's right, you mentioned him. What are you going to do with him?"

Yuri smirked. "Jealous?"

Flynn rolled his eyes. "Curious about your life because I care about you."

Yuri waved his hand. "He had something he wanted to show me. Top secret cripple stuff. Sorry, you have to spend at least one month without your feet touching the floor to be in our club."

"Heh. Sure thing, Yuri. Well, have a nice visit. See you this evening."

"See ya."

* * *

There were steps leading up to Malcolm's house. Yuri glared at them; _so we meet again, my old nemesis:… stairs_. Ringing the bell, therefor, was out of the question. There was, however, a raised planter at the foot of the steps, and he grabbed a few rocks from there. The rocks didn't even make a dent in the polished mahogany door, so he didn't feel too bad about using them to knock.

When a butler opened the door just as Yuri was about to throw the fourth one, he obviously did care a good deal. "What is the meaning of this?" From the top of the stairs, he had a fantastic vantage point to look down his nose at Yuri. "Disperse at once before I summon the Knights."

"I'm here to see Malcolm. He invited me."

The butler, contrary to common sense, raised his head higher to look at Yuri, just so he could look further down his nose. "Master Malcolm invited you? I think not."

"He sure did. We're hospital buddies. Go ask him."

The butler glared for a moment and then whirled around, slamming the door behind him.

Yuri waited a few minutes until the door opened again and Malcolm appeared. He grinned at Yuri and then looked back at his butler with a familiar glare. It took him some time to make it down the steps with a cane, but it was easier for him to come down than to get someone to carry Yuri up. Besides, Yuri didn't want to hang out in his house, anyway. Malcolm was fine, but his family was still a bunch of obnoxious nobles.

"Good to see you again," Yuri said when Malcolm reached the bottom. "And good to see you walking well."

Malcolm smiled and then gestured at Yuri's legs. "Not?"

Yuri shook his head and then started moving down the road. "Nah, no sign of improvement over here. I'm doing all right, though."

"Good chair."

"Hell yeah." Yuri patted the rims with fondness. "My friends had it made for me. Loads better than the bulky wooden one from the hospital." They walked slowly down the street. Malcolm leaned on his cane and dragged his bad leg while Yuri would never admit that the slower pace was easier on his arms. "But look at you! Walking and talking again. Gotta say I'm jealous."

Although, thinking about it, he wasn't actually sure he was. It would be so nice to walk or even stand up, cane or no, but Malcolm was hardly moving fast. Yuri could zip past him with ease. His lower half was permanently paralyzed, but his upper half and his mind were as strong as ever. He wasn't really sure if he would trade his wheelchair for shuffling around with a cane. Yuri smiled slightly; it had been a while since he'd considered himself better off than someone. He felt bad that it was at Malcolm's expense, but it was a good feeling.

"Here," Malcolm pointed at a corner and they turned.

"So how's your family treating you?"

Malcolm's curled lip answered everything.

"Ha. Better or worse than being in the hospital?"

Malcolm sighed and shrugged one shoulder.

"I'm lucky. My friends have been pretty great. I'm much better off now than when I was in there. Well, I was pretty miserable for a little while."

"In hospital also."

"Heh, yeah, I was pretty miserable in there, too."

"Better now."

"Yeah. We both are. Kinda want to go back to that place and give some of those nurses a piece of my mind."

Malcolm chuckled. "Me, too. There." He pointed to a large house at the end of the street.

"That's the one?"

Malcolm nodded. Their lighthearted conversation dropped and they slowly approached it. The house had only one storey but a large garden overgrown with weeds. The windows were covered with dust and it was obvious no one had lived here for years. Except, of course, for the trail of weeds cleared by the side door. Someone was hiding out here.

Yuri glared at the house. "So. Carter's in there?"

Malcolm nodded. "Saw him last week. Zagi, too."

If Flynn knew anything about this, he'd insist Yuri stay back and let his knights charge in and take care of it. Sure, they could probably arrest him, but then what? The system had failed to convict him before and Yuri had no trust it would succeed a second time. They'd just send him back to prison and then he'd find a way to escape again. Yuri would never rest easily as long as Carter was alive and the only way to change that was to kill Carter himself.

As they watched, the side door opened. Yuri rolled back around the corner and peeked around the building to watch. Carter and Zagi stepped out of the house and his heart skipped a beat. It wasn't that he hadn't believed Malcolm, but seeing them in person made it seem more real. The pair glanced around the street and then hurried away from the building. Yuri didn't know where they were going, but he didn't care.

"Perfect timing. I'm going in."

"Hm?" Malcolm looked down at him with concern.

"I want to check out the layout of the house and see if they have any surprises in store." And then he'd come back tonight to lodge a crossbow bolt in Carter's throat.

"Me come?"

He shook his head. "You stay out here and keep watch." He didn't want to bring Malcolm in case Carter and Zagi came back. He was slow and he didn't have a weapon. It would be too dangerous, and he didn't want that on his conscience. He had to admit, though, he did delight in thinking that he was the fit one for once.

"Ok. Careful."

Yuri nodded and then crept toward the house. The door was probably still unlocked. He was just going to pop in, get a feel for the floor plan, and then leave. Tonight, he'd come back and end this once and for all.


	32. Left Behind

Flynn strolled down the street in Heliord. He breathed in deeply when he passed a bakery and made a mental note to come back when he was done with work for the day. He'd spotted a cake in the window that he was certain would tempt Yuri's sweet tooth, and Flynn was in the mood to treat him. Maybe he didn't deserve Yuri's forgiveness, but he certainly wasn't going to reject it.

He'd patrolled the outer perimeter of town with a local lieutenant this morning and he was almost back to the Knight headquarters to meet with the local captain. As he approached the building, he heard someone yell, "Sir!"

Flynn looked over and saw a man hobbling toward him with a cane. He quickly changed his course and hurried toward the man to save him the trip. "Is something wrong, sir?"

"Sir."

At first, Flynn couldn't figure out why this handicapped civilian man was calling him sir. Most civilians addressed him as 'Commandant' and sometimes 'sir' after that. Running up to him like this seemed like a knight thing, but this man was obviously not serving. Plus, he was standing there without rushing into a tearful plea for help, which was what Flynn had come to expect from civilians running to him. And why did he look familiar?

Then it clicked. "Aren't you Malcolm?"

He nodded. "I - Yuri - he go... then man… Argh!" Malcolm grimaced and punched his head.

Yuri had explained that Malcolm's brain damage affected his ability to speak but not his ability to think, and Flynn tried to be patient with him. He was an ex-knight, and Flynn couldn't imagine how frustrating it would be to stumble through words while trying to talk to the commandant. "It's ok. There's no rush. Do you need something?"

He nodded quickly. "Yuri danger."

Flynn's heart skipped a beat and his casual attitude evaporate. "Where is he?"

"House - Carter - was gone, not now. Back. Yuri!"

Flynn wanted to take off running but he couldn't until he figured out exactly what was going on. From the broken pieces Malcolm had brought him, though, his anxiety spiked. "He's in a house with Carter? Where?"

"Follow!"

It was frustrating how slow Malcolm moved. Yuri was in danger right now and Malcolm could neither run to the location not articulate directions. Flynn had to put effort into not showing his frustration with the other's disability, but he'd had a lot of practice with that over the past few months. As they walked, he could at least probe for more information. Even that was aggravatingly slow and Flynn kept interrupting Malcolm to finish his sentences once he figured out where he was going. From what he put together, the whole reason Yuri had even agreed to come to Heliord was because he heard Carter was in town. He'd snuck into the house intending to just scope the place out, but Malcolm had been keeping watch outside and seen Carter and Zagi return. That was when he'd gone to find Flynn as quickly as possible, but it must have been at least ten minutes and Flynn could only pray nothing had happened to Yuri in that time.

It felt like an age had passed when Malcolm finally pointed at a house and said, "There."

"That's the one he's in?"

Malcolm nodded.

Flynn strode to the gate in the low stone wall surrounding the front garden. The windows were dusty and dark and not a sound could be heard from within, or maybe that was because his heart was thumping so loudly in his ears. The decision, now, was whether to charge in on his own, or go to headquarters and get back up. It didn't take him long to reach a decision, and it wasn't just his heart demanding he gallop to Yuri's rescue on a white horse this minute. He had no idea what the situation was inside, but he could only assume Yuri did not have the upper hand. If a whole host of knights marched up outside, this would quickly turn into a hostage situation with Carter and Zagi holed up inside and Yuri's life in the balance. It would be more effective to sneak in and try to dispatch them before they had time to get settled.

"I'm going in. You stay here."

Malcolm frowned. "I help… sir?"

Flynn gave him a grim smile; Malcolm was in no condition to enter a fight, and they both knew it. "I need you to keep watch out here. If they exit while I'm still in there, give a shout. And if anything happens to me, I'm counting on you to report it to the Knights as soon as possible."

Malcolm saluted with his left hand and Flynn turned toward the door. He crept over the weed-strewn garden to the dusty windows and peered through them first. He saw a dark living room, but no sign of movement. Around the side of the house, he spotted parallel lines of crushed grass leading to a window. Flynn followed what had to be wheelchair tracks to an open window. His fingers brushed over fresh wood showing through chipped paint where the chair had scraped the frame. Yuri must have hefted himself onto the sill and then pulled the chair through to the floor inside.

Flynn climbed through the window and eased himself to the floor. No one had been tending to this building for a while, so the floor squeaked under his feet. Flynn turned from the window and focused on the house. Sounds from the street faded away and were replaced with the empty silence of an abandoned house.

But not quite. A voice bled through the walls: "-seems a little overkill, if you ask me."

Even from a few rooms away, Flynn could pick up on Yuri's tone of voice. It was the one that said bad shit was going on, but he was going to keep being a cocky ass despite that. Yuri may be bluffing confidence, but Flynn's worries spiked. He fought the urge to sprint through the house and focused on stealth. He left the sitting room he'd climbed into and crept along a dusty hallway. The only lighting was what made it through the dingy windows, but it was enough to see a portrait of a younger Lord Carter. This must be an old family home, but all Flynn could think was,  _great, I can't even get him for trespassing this time_.

His nose itched as he passed a heavy curtain and he suppressed the urge to sneeze. Any sound might give him away. He passed through a kitchen and then stopped in the doorway when he heard Zagi's voice from just ahead.

"If you won't let me kill him, can you at least gag him?"

"Aw," Yuri replied, "but we were having such a quality conversation." There was a thump, and then: "Ha! You missed the part that can feel. Go ahead and kick my hip."

Flynn pressed against the wall and peered around the doorway. There was a dimly lit dining room beyond, and on the floor on the other side of the table was Yuri. Flynn's heart skipped a beat at the sight of him lying face-down with his hands tied behind his back. His wheelchair was overturned a few feet away, and Carter sat in a pulled out chair, breathing deep. Flynn had to take some satisfaction here; Carter was pale and gaunt and clearly the act of apprehending Yuri had worn him out. Unfortunately, Zagi was still as energetic as ever and had probably done most of the work. He paced near Yuri and sent a few kicks his way, but he still didn't seem to fully grasp the concept of paralysis so at least half of the kicks were aimed at Yuri's non-responsive half.

This was a delicate situation. In order to get to Yuri, Flynn would have to enter the room and circle the long wooden table and thus lose the element of surprise. There was another entrance to the dining room on the other side, so it might be better to circle the house and find that entrance. From there, he could burst in and strike Zagi down before he had time to grab Yuri to use as a shield. With that plan in mind, he took a step toward the kitchen's exit.

His foot seemed to move in slow motion as it pressed the board and it squealed against its neighbour and he yanked it away with a wince. The damage had already been done, though, because Zagi's taunting ceased. Flynn held his breath and prayed they'd chalk it up to the house settling.

"If some wannabe hero is lurking over there," Carter drawled, "it would be easier all around if you showed yourself now."

Flynn remained statuesque and tried to estimate if he could run to the kitchen door faster than one of them could come investigate the sound, and also if he could do it silently.

"Zagi, check it out. If you do find someone, I'll bury this knife in Yuri's back. I could be convinced not to, though, if that someone showed themselves now."

Flynn closed his eyes and creased his brows. Damn, damn, damn. Bolting for the exit would confirm he was here, and Yuri would get stabbed. Staying to face Zagi - who even now was making his way around the table - would get Yuri stabbed. Trying to hide under a cupboard would make him look like a fool, and then Yuri would get stabbed. He only had one choice.

He whipped around the doorway, sword drawn. Zagi stopped a few metres from the entrance and grinned.

Carter just rolled his eyes at him. "I'm not even surprised."

"Flynn?" Yuri looked up from the ground. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I could ask the same of you."

"This is my problem. You're supposed to be at work! Why do you have to stick your nose in my business all the time!?"

"Because your business is going to get you killed!"

"Now, now." Carter clutched the table to rise to his feet. "You can have your lovers' quarrel later. What exactly is your plan, Flynn? You could probably beat Zagi in a fight-"

"He could not! I would paint the walls with his blood!"

"-but then what? By the time you're done with that, I'd have killed your boyfriend - and I promise I'll do it right this time."

Flynn shook his head. "You wouldn't do that. You need Yuri alive." He wasn't sure exactly where he was going with this, but answers sprang to his lips as he spoke. "If all you wanted was to finish the job and kill Yuri to antagonize me, you wouldn't have bothered apprehending him now, nor try to abduct him from Zaphias. You… want him as a hostage. You need something, or else you'd already be throwing his corpse at my feet."

Carter held out his hands and shrugged. "Got me there."

"Nice of you guys to talk about me like I'm not even here," Yuri grumbled from the floor.

So what did Carter need a hostage for? Who could Yuri be used as leverage against? Well, Flynn, obviously, but Carter already had Flynn here and he wasn't making any demands. So if Flynn attacked Zagi, Carter would take Yuri and run while Flynn was busy, and then there was no telling where he'd stash Yuri while making his demands. Options, what were his options? Attack? Then Yuri gets kidnapped. Run away and get reinforcements? Fat chance Yuri'd still be here when Flynn returned. The most basic decision when confronted by peril was fight or flight, but both of those options would lead to Yuri getting captured and he could not let that happen.

Yuri could deny it all he wanted, but all Flynn had to do was look at how stiff his face was to confirm that Yuri was terrified. Of course he was - he'd spent months having nightmares about the possibility of being abducted by Carter again, and despite Flynn, Estelle, Sarah, and many others assuring him he was safe and never had to fear it again, here they were. If Flynn let Carter get away with Yuri now, it might be days or weeks before they tracked them down and instigated a rescue mission. It had taken so many months for Yuri to piece himself together after the last time this happened; if he was forced to endure it again, there was no telling how broken he'd be by the end of it. What if this time around, they weren't able to pull him out of the grasp of those suicidal thoughts?

So, no matter what happened, Flynn could not allow Yuri to be taken hostage. If both fighting and fleeing were off the table, there was really only one option he had left. "Take me instead."

Carter raised his eyebrows. "I beg your pardon?"

"What!?" Yuri pulled at his wrists and struggled to get up. "Don't be an idiot, Flynn! What would people think if their commandant gave himself up for some random guy?"

Flynn couldn't look at Yuri because he knew every word out of his mouth was just going to make Yuri madder. "You need a hostage, right? So make it me. I'm more valuable anyway, right? You could blackmail the emperor himself with my life. Let Yuri go and I'll stay here without a fight."

"Now there's an interesting proposal."

"It's an honest offer. If I leave now, I'll come after you with the full force of the Knights. But if you take me as a hostage, get what you want, and then walk away, you'll probably be able to disappear."

"Oh, come on," Zagi whined. "I want to fight!"

"Get your ass out of here, Flynn! I'm not letting you drag yourself into my messes!"

Flynn finally looked at him. "You'll have a hell of a time trying to stop me since you've gone and gotten yourself captured."

Carter grinned. "I think we can make this arrangement work. To show me you mean it, toss your sword over here."

If this was what he had to do to protect Yuri… and, oh, they were going to have  _words_ when they reunited…. He lobbed his sword onto the table and it skidded across the dusty wood. "There's a man outside keeping watch. Take Yuri to him and tell him to give a shout when they're safe."

Carter nodded and then crouched to mutter something in Yuri's ear. Once done, he rose and said, "Zagi, could you do the honours? And Flynn-" he grabbed Flynn's sword and Flynn suppressed a grimace at seeing that man's slimy hands on his sword, "get on your knees and put your hands behind your head."

Zagi, still grumbling, complied and grabbed Yuri. He dragged him up and tossed him unceremoniously into the chair with his hands still bound.

"Don't, Flynn! I'm serious! You need to leave and let me deal with this!"

"Leave with Malcolm," Flynn said. "Don't try to break in again. Get the Knights and they can deal with this."

"Damn you!" was the last thing Yuri shouted before they left the room.

Now that Yuri was on his way to safety, Flynn resigned himself to following Carter's command and sank to his knees. He folded his hands on the back of his head while Carter made the trip around the table.

"You know…" Carter said as he approached Flynn, "this is one of those things I hate about you. You say 'take me instead', and you really mean it. You're just so… good." He wrinkled his nose. "It's disgusting. Because you know, deep down, all humans are scummy bastards, so I got to assume that someone so sparkly and pure as you must be hiding a core that's really rotten."

Flynn kept his eyes on Carter's knees; he wasn't giving this bastard the satisfaction of looking up at him. "The fact that you keep trying to convince yourself that everyone else is even more rotten than you is really telling. Maybe you think I'm a monster deep down, but you  _know_ that you are."

The hilt of Flynn's own sword cracked against the side of his head. Flynn let out a breath in shock and squeezed his eyes against the blossoming headache.

"You sure picked a bad deal for yourself, Flynn. Because you're right, I do need a living hostage, but there's a world of things you can do to a man without killing him and maybe you underestimated how much you  _piss me off_."

* * *

Outside, Yuri seethed. Malcolm carefully wielded Yuri's knife to cut the rope around his wrists. Since he was naturally right handed but was now forced to use his left, this was a dangerous task. They were on the street outside the house, and at least having to sit still to help Malcolm avoid maiming him forced Yuri to stop and think.

He was angry, to begin with. Angry at Zagi, angry at Carter, angry at Flynn, and most of all, angry at himself. He'd been so stupid. He'd really thought he could handle this, but then those bastards came home early and jumped him in the dining room. He'd done his best to defend himself, but there was only so much he could do in a hand-to-hand fight. It had been depressingly easy for Zagi to circle around and dump him to the floor, and from there the battle was all but over. He should have known this would happen, but he'd been dumb and now Flynn was paying for his stupidity.

Malcolm finished cutting and slipped the knife back into Yuri's sheath. Now that he could move, Yuri almost turned around and charged back into the house to go after Flynn. But, he could only make one indescribably stupid decision per day, and he'd already met his quota. There wasn't much he and Malcolm could do against Zagi. Even Carter, who was on his last legs and barely able to breathe, could defeat them.

"Sorry." Malcolm stared at his shoes.

"It's hardly your fault," Yuri grumbled and yanked himself away from the house. "All you did was tell me where he was. I'm the genius who decided to go after him." Malcolm had trouble keeping up with him as Yuri stormed down the street, and he guiltily slowed down. "I'm heading back to the inn. I need to talk to my guild. You should go home."

"Help?"

Yuri shook his head. "I've gotten you involved enough. This is my problem; it's bad enough that I got Flynn dragged into it."

Malcolm squeezed his shoulder and gave him a sympathetic look, then nodded and hobbled away. Yuri was glad to be left alone for the rest of the trip back to the inn so he could fume in peace. As he got closer, he grappled with how to explain to the others what had happened. Estelle was going to be crushed. He was barely able to face himself let alone the others, but he needed their help to save Flynn. Heaven knew he couldn't do it by himself. Couldn't do anything by himself….

At the inn, he rolled up to the desk and craned his neck to see over it. "Hey. Is Estelle here?"

The clerk leaned over the desk. "The princess? She's upstairs with her companions."

Upstairs. Where he couldn't go. Because he was useless. "Could you do me a favour and ask her to come down? All of them, actually. Tell them Yuri needs to talk to them. Sorry to make you run messages for me, but…." He gestured at his legs with a scowl.

"Of course, sir," the man said with a polite smile. "It isn't a problem."

"I'll be in my room. Thanks." Sitting alone in his room gave Yuri a minute to gather his thoughts and figure out what to say. When the others entered, he sat in the middle with his arms folded and a serious expression.

"What's up, Yuri?" Karol asked.

Judith analyzed his face. "What's wrong?"

"Something's happened to Flynn." Saying this part was easy. It was the part about it being all his fault he was dreading.

Estelle covered her mouth. "Oh no, is it serious?"

Yuri nodded slowly, steeling himself for the explanation he dreaded. "Yes. This afternoon… I found out Carter and Zagi were town. I went to scope out their hideout. But, it… well, it didn't go great. Flynn had to save my ass and he got himself captured instead."

There was a pause as they digested his story, and then Karol erupted. "You did  _what_?!"

"What do you mean Flynn's been captured?" Estelle asked. "Carter took him?"

Karol stormed across the room. "Why did you go there by yourself!?"

"I know it was dumb."

Karol, fists clenched and furious, stopped in front of Yuri. "How many times do we have to tell you not to pull this lone wolf crap?! You idiot!"

He raised his arms and Yuri recognized the pose that came before Karol punched him in the gut to get his point across. But then, it didn't come. Of course not. Karol could punch Yuri no problem, but what kind of monster punches a cripple? Yuri turned his head away as his heart sank even further. He'd never been so depressed to not be punched.

"We have to alert the Knights!" Estelle said. "Flynn needs help!"

"No," Yuri said quickly. "We shouldn't for the same reason Flynn probably didn't. If Carter sees a troop of knights approach the house, it will just turn into a siege with him using Flynn as a hostage. To keep Flynn safe, they'd have to sneak in without Carter knowing, which we can handle just fine on our own. Besides, I already know how to get one of us inside."

Karol folded his arms and glowered. He obviously wanted to keep shouting at Yuri, but recognized that they could do that after they got all the details about Flynn. "Estelle." He swivelled to face her fully. "It's not Flynn Carter's really after. It's not me, either. It's you."

This surprised her enough to get through her worry. "What does he want with me?"

"He thinks you can heal his lung disease or whatever he has. He said if you go to the house, alone, and heal him, he'll let Flynn go."

Judith put her hand on her hip. "I understand. That's why he attempted to abduct you in Zaphias - as a hostage against Estelle."

"Yeah." At the very least, it was a relief to have an answer to that question. He'd been so worried about Carter wanting to finish the job or torture him again, but it had never been about him. He just needed someone Estelle cared about, and he was an easy target because he was as easy to incapacitate as flipping a turtle on its back.

Estelle wrinkled her brow in thought, took a long breath, and then said, "Well, I have to go."

"What?" Karol whipped his head back at her. "You can't just do what a kidnapper says!"

"Karol's right," Judith said. "He said he'd let Flynn go, but you have no guarantee of that. There's nothing stopping him from killing both of you and making a run for it."

Estelle clutched her hands over her chest. "But if we don't do what he says, he'll hurt Flynn. He's already shown he has no problem maiming someone to make a point." Her eyes flickered to Yuri's hands and he found himself automatically covering his right with the other.

"We need to make it look like we're going along with him," Yuri said. "If Estelle keeps him busy, others can sneak in and rescue Flynn with only Zagi to worry about. I trust any of you guys to be able to handle him."

Judith nodded. "And with Carter busy with Estelle, he won't be able to run to Flynn to put a knife to his throat if a fight starts."

"That would probably work," Estelle said.

"Hold on." Karol's head flipped between them. "You guys don't mean to use Estelle as bait, do you?"

There was another pause. Estelle said, "It might be the only way."

"Carter has no interest in hurting Estelle," Judy said. "He wants something from her, so it's in his own interest to keep her alive and happy."

"I don't even know if I can heal him, though. I'm used to healing injuries; I've never tried to heal chronic organ failure."

"That doesn't matter," Yuri said. "Carter doesn't know how your power works. Just go slow and tell him it will take some time. It's not like we actually want to heal him."

"Ok… I can do that. We should go as soon as possible. I hate to leave Flynn with him any longer than necessary."

"It would be smarter to go at night," Judith said. "It will be easier to sneak in unnoticed in the dark."

"Well… ok."

"All right. It seems we've got that settled." Judith strolled across the room to get closer to Yuri. "Were you injured when you were attacked today?"

"No." He looked away with a scowl and muttered, "You don't need to hurt me to incapacitate me."

"Good." Then she punched him in the face hard enough to make him roll back and bump into the bed. "Never do that again."

"Hey!" Yuri massaged his throbbing cheek but got nothing but angry glares from his friends.

"You could have been killed," Judith said. "We've told you time and time again not to hesitate to ask us for help."

Karol stomped his foot. "Yeah! We're your friends and we want to help you! If you needed to go after Carter, you should have made it a guild job. We do things together!"

"I know that!" Yuri snapped. Geeze, he already knew it had been dumb; they didn't need to scream it in his face. "Guys, I know I can ask for your help whenever. I just… I just wanted  _one thing_  to do on my own. I can't even go upstairs without someone carrying me. I just wanted to prove I could do one damn mission by myself."

Karol kept his glare steady. "You don't have to prove anything to us!"

Yuri scowled and looked away. "It wasn't you I was trying to prove it to." He let out a deep breath through his teeth. "And I guess I proved it wasn't possible."

Yuri's friends stared at him, and then looked at each other. Yuri didn't pay too much attention to them, because he was too busy staring at his knees and being angry with himself for getting Flynn into this mess. If he had just accepted that he couldn't do anything by himself, then Flynn wouldn't be in danger now.

"We should go prepare for tonight," Karol announced, and then Judith followed him out.

Yuri looked up to see that Estelle was still in the room. Silently, she crossed to the bed and sat down. He saw her hand rest on his knee and he jerked away with a glower. "Don't bother."

"It isn't your fault."

"You don't have to lie to make me feel better."

"Flynn chose to go after you on his own, and he chose to remain to get you out. You can't hold yourself responsible for a sacrifice someone else chose to make."

"Yeah, I can't help it if Flynn looked at me and thought I was someone who needed to be protected." That grated at him as bad as anything else. He hated to think that Flynn thought he couldn't handle being captured, and hated even more that he was right. It was hard to admit, even to himself, just how freaked out he'd been when the prospect of kidnap and torture had loomed over him. It was his worst nightmare come true and he'd been alarmingly close to losing his cool.

"Oh, just… just stop it, Yuri!"

The anger in her voice shocked him. "Eh?"

"The very first time we met, you saved me from those knights. And then you saved me from Alexei. And you helped me feel confident again after what happened to Belius. You always keep an eye on me in fights to make sure I'm not hurt and whenever I have a problem, you're always there to give me advice or help me through my feelings."

"Well… yeah." He still wasn't sure why this made her angry.

"And now your friends are trying to do the same for you, but you're acting like accepting this help makes you pathetic!" She balled her fists around her skirt. "You couldn't fight two serial killers on your own? So?! Neither can I! You have nightmares? You're afraid you're never going to get over some trauma that happened? You sometimes need your friends to pull you out of a rough spot? Well… well, me too. You keep acting like all the things we do for you makes you pathetic, but you do those things for us so that's like saying we're pathetic! No one is mad at you for overestimating your abilities, Yuri, we're mad because every time you act like you have to be able to do everything on your own, it's like you're saying you're better than us."

Yuri balked at her tirade for a few seconds. "Estelle - I never meant it like that. You know that. I respect all of you guys, it's just-"

"Just that you have higher expectations for yourself?"

"Well…."

Her shoulders slumped as her anger died. "I'm sorry for yelling at you Yuri, but I'm getting annoyed because I'm giving you the same kind of support you've always given me. And you acting like accepting that support makes you pitiful and weak, well… what do you think of me?"

It was like looking at an upside down map of the world. The outlines were the same, but the different perspective made you realize just how strange and arbitrary some things you took for granted were. He couldn't do anything by himself… but who could? He had more emotional baggage than he cared to deal with, but so did plenty of people. He wasn't as strong and he wasn't as agile, but he was still more physically fit than others. No, he wasn't the same Yuri that he was before and he probably never would be again, but maybe that wasn't such a big deal. For so long, he'd struggled with being his old self again, when he should have been focused on creating a new self. Thinking about it, his number one source of frustration came in the form of, 'I used to be this but I can't be anymore'. Well, who needed to be that anyway? Who he used to be had been the genius who got himself captured in the first place.

He was not the Yuri Lowell he used to be, and he never would be again, but that was ok. He'd never find happiness if he kept comparing himself to the guy who could run around. Rita couldn't fight with a sword, Raven couldn't beat the old him in a race, and Estelle couldn't escape the horrible memories of what Alexei had done to her. It had never even occurred to him to look down on them for not matching old-Yuri's abilities.  After all, they excelled in other areas.

The reason he found it so hard to be content was that he kept trying to squeeze himself into the old-Yuri-shaped hole. Of course he'd never be comfortable like this; that hole was designed for a man standing upright and had no room for a wheelchair. It would be much more productive to focus on creating a new hole to accommodate his new abilities, and rank himself according to the parameters of  _this_ life. He had actually died, he recalled. His heart had stopped. This was a whole new lifetime he was living, so it was time to stop clinging to the old one.

"Yuri?" Estelle bit her lip. "Um… um… I'm really sorry for shouting at you. Please don't think I don't love you. You're not useless, I just wanted to point out-"

"Sorry." And also sorry for falling silent and making her fear she'd kicked him into a depressive spiral again. Yuri met her eyes to show her his were bright and confident. "You're absolutely right."

"I am?"

"All this time, I kept comparing myself to the past. Everything that was different about my life now was automatically something to mourn. But you know what? Screw that."

Estelle gaped at him, seemingly surprised that her emotional tirade had actually kicked off an epiphany.

"I never have to worry about finding a chair. Half of my body is immune to pain. I'll always take opponents by surprise since they'll always underestimate me. Whenever I'm arguing with Flynn, being able to pull out 'you paralyzed me' will instantly make him cave."

Estelle giggled. "Are you going to tell him that's on your list of pros?"

Yuri smirked. "'Course not. But look, Malcolm can barely talk and struggles to get around with a cane, and I know most people in my situation die from complications pretty fast. In the category of 'people who've endured a huge physical injury', I'm actually way ahead of the curve!"

"That's right, you are!"

"It's time to stop worrying about who I was and what I used to be able to do. I'm just… a person who needs help with a bunch of physical tasks. Those kinds of people are cool. I never had a problem with them before now. It's not what I would have chosen, but hey, who gets to choose what life throws them into?"

Yuri nodded to himself with a small smile. Yeah… this was a good way to think. Sarah would definitely love to hear about it next time he was in Zaphias. The standing Yuri was behind him and he'd never be happy if he kept living in that tall shadow. It was time to stop trying to be an able-bodied man using a wheelchair, and time to start being the most kickass disabled guy he could be.

"I want to rescue Flynn. Will you guys help me?"

"We would love to."


	33. Out of Darkness

Estelle let out a deep breath and then knocked on the door. The sun had set and she was very aware that the only people who knew she was here were her friends, who would also be going into danger. The prospect of spending time alone with a known serial killer and kidnapper made her palms sweat and even more than a year later, she couldn't stop thinking about the time she'd spent with Alexei. Thinking that Carter wouldn't want to hurt her because he wanted to use her power didn't help, considering what Alexei had wanted from her. She had to do this, though. Flynn was in trouble and they were counting on her to distract Carter long enough for the others to rescue him.

The door opened a crack; it was too dark inside for her to see who was peeking out. It opened a bit wider and she was met by Carter, with Zagi leaning against the wall behind him. "If you have any weapons," Carter said, "toss them on the ground now."

She held out her hands. "I don't have any."

"Step inside."

Saying a silent goodbye to the free air outside, Estelle entered the lion's den. The click of the door behind her seemed to echo in her brain. She'd told the truth about not carrying any weapons; they'd decided it wasn't worth the risk of antagonizing Carter considering she could use magic in a pinch. But, it took time to cast and she could be stabbed while preparing a spell, so it wasn't a foolproof safety net.

Carter smiled at her. "Good of you to come." Maybe he was earnestly trying to be gracious, considering he was hoping she was his salvation from terminal illness, but his face was so ghoulish from disease and prison that the smile was more like a leer.

"Where's Flynn?" she demanded. "I won't do anything for you until you prove he's all right."

He nodded and jerked his head. "Come with me."

Carter carried a small lamp that gave off just enough light to not bump into things. Estelle's eyes were slowly adjusting, but it still felt like she was following a shadow through the corridors. Even worse, at some point on the trip through the house, she suddenly realized Zagi wasn't following them anymore. Her friends had agreed to give her fifteen minutes to get Carter out of the way before they entered, but she'd hoped Zagi would stay near them too. Now he was a question mark that could pop up and attack her friends at any time.

In the middle of the house was a long corridor. Estelle's nose tickled from dust and there was so little light she had to follow Carter based more on sound than sight. As it was, she nearly bumped into him when he stopped at a door she hadn't seen. Now that she looked, she noticed the slight gleam of a brass doorknob. The door creaked as it opened and Estelle found herself staring into thick shadows. There was just enough light to see the top of a step leading down. She carefully stayed beside Carter and not in front of him, clearly imagining him shoving her down the stairs.

"And… Flynn's down there?"

Carter held his lamp forward and let the light filter down the stairs. Estelle squinted and could just make out the shape of someone sitting in a chair. "Commandant," Carter called, "give a shout to let the lady know you're alive."

Estelle's eyes adjusted to the darkness and she saw Flynn tied to a chair in the dark basement. She still couldn't make out if he was hurt or not, but she heard an angry grunt confirming he was alive. "Don't worry, Flynn! We're going to work this out!"

Carter slammed the door. "Touching."

"You haven't hurt him, have you?"

"I haven't hurt a hair on his head. Now, for your-" he broke off with a wheezing cough. Estelle had heard him cough before, at the trial, but now coughing itself seemed to wear him out. His lungs struggled to produce the force to cough. Estelle was not a vindictive person, but after spending so many months watching Yuri suffer thanks to him, she couldn't help but feel a little satisfaction. When he'd gotten the cough under control he croaked, "Your end of the bargain."

She nodded. "Ok, we need to go somewhere with more light. I can't work if I can barely see you." And she needed to get him away from the basement so the others could get to Flynn without him noticing.

Carter didn't waste air agreeing and merely nodded. He waved his hand to indicate she should follow and led her through the house. Estelle kept her eyes peeled for Zagi, but he was nowhere to be found. They came to a stop in a front sitting room where there was enough light even without Carter's lamp. He lowered himself onto a couch and gestured to an armchair across from it. Estelle slowly sank into the dusty chair, her mind racing with a plan. The only way she knew to attempt to heal his lungs would be to treat it like an infected wound on the surface, and she could figure out if this would work or not within a couple of minutes. But, she needed to stretch this out to give the others time.

"Ok… now, what will happen if I do? You guarantee you'll let Flynn go?"

"Once my lungs are working, I'm gonna skedaddle and get out of this town before the knights, whom I'm sure you've informed about this situation, arrive. You can go get Flynn out of the basement before you leave if you want. I don't know why you would, because he's insufferably pretentious, but do what you want."

"What about Zagi?"

Carter shrugged. "He can do what he wants. I don't control him. I think he's still trying to figure out a way to get Yuri walking again so they can battle to the death or whatever. To be honest, I don't think he's entirely mentally stable."

 _You're one to talk_. "All right. I guess I can't ask for anything better."

"So?" Carter said. "Do your thing."

"Um, yes." She folded her hands on her lap. "It's a complicated procedure, though. I need to know more about the problem."

"What's there to-" cough, cough, "-to know? My lungs are damaged. Give me that magic juju you have and make them better, like you did Yuri."

"Well, yes, but with Yuri I just closed the stab wound." The stab wound _he_ inflicted on him. "I have a lot of practice doing that and I could see the damage clearly. It's harder with internal organs."

"Ah, I guess so. That's why you've been useless to fix his legs, huh?"

Her fingers curled as her heart skipped a beat. "Y-yes… that's why I haven't been able to help him."

Carter watched her face for a second and then said, "Don't feel bad. I'm sure you did everything you could."

Her mouth straightened. "Don't try to suck up to me just because you want something. I know what you did to Yuri and Flynn and all those other poor people. I'll heal you because we have a deal, and that's it."

He shrugged. "As long as you heal me."

"Fine. All right, I need to know exactly what the problem in your lungs is." Stretch this out as long as possible. "So, how long have you been smoking?"

* * *

"It's been fifteen minutes," Judith said. "Shall we head in?"

Yuri nodded. "Yeah. I trust Estelle to take care of her mission. Come on, we can sneak in through the window over here." Yuri led the way across the lawn to the same window he'd used earlier today. Judith, Karol, and Repede followed close behind him. "Through this window. Judy, you go first."

She nodded and pried the glass up. It moved easier now than it had the first time since it had already been used. After Judith got through, she looked around the room to ensure it was deserted and then came back to the window. "Ok. Yuri, you can get in by yourself, right?"

"I can, but it would be easier with help." It had taken him over ten minutes of struggling and working out what to do to get in earlier. The window was low enough that he could push himself up to sit on the sill but it took a hell of a lot of arm power. This time, he let Judith grab his arms and pull while he pushed so he got his ass to the windowsill without much trouble. "Thanks." He grabbed his legs and twisted them one-by-one through the window so he was facing the room. "Get me to a chair?"

He wrapped his arms around Judith's shoulders and she dragged him away from the window and to a coffee table nearby. Yuri sat on it while Karol picked up his chair from outside and manoeuvred it through the opening. Judith pulled it in and then pushed it to the table. Yuri transferred back into his chair while Karol and Repede clambered through the window. For half a second, Yuri longed to be able to climb and sneak with the same ease, but he kicked that thought out of his mind and replaced it with one about how glad he was that he could still use his arms at full capacity. Lots of people didn't have that; he was lucky.

"Ok," Karol whispered, "Repede, sniff out Flynn."

Repede let out a faint woof and put his nose to the floor. Judith led the way after Repede, since it was easier for her to peak around doors without being seen. Yuri followed her, silently thanking his friends once again for this new chair. The wheels moved silently and smoothly across the floorboards, so his movement was even quieter than the others' footsteps. Repede paid no heed to the darkness of the house as he followed his nose. Karol and Judith fumbled along with their hands in front of them to keep from bumping into walls while Yuri relied on his knees to tell him when he'd hit a wall.

They passed into a kitchen where light from outside illuminated shiny counter tops and then into the dining room Yuri remembered from earlier. This was where Zagi had jumped him earlier today and his nerves heightened. It had been far too similar to the time he let himself get captured last fall, and that had ended disastrously. He was very aware that he had a significant disadvantage in any fight, which appropriately made him nervous. It had taken him a long time to accept these nerves as anything other than weakness, since he was used to being utterly confident in his fighting abilities. He wondered if this was how Karol felt, and resolved to show as much courage going into danger as he did.

"Boy…" Karol whispered from right behind him, "this place sure is creepy."

"Better than the catacombs," Yuri whispered back. "Less dead bodies."

They left the dining room and came out at the end of a long hallway with hardly any light. Repede had just started trotting down it when an all-too-familiar voice erupted behind them.

"YUUURIIII LOWELLLL! I knew you'd be here!"

Yuri did a 180 so fast his wheels squeaked. Zagi was in a room at the end of the hall and had just spotted them exiting the dining room. "Dammit, Zagi, we don't have time for you." Carter must have heard that shriek.

"You and I have a fight to get to, Yuri Lowell! You can't escape standing and facing me forever!"

Karol groaned in frustration. "Yuri can't stand at all! Why can't you just accept that and move on!"

"Seriously, Zagi," Yuri added, "even I've accepted it and moved on and it's actually my life that's being affected."

"I'm not a quitter like you, Yuri Lowell!" He whipped out his sword and pointed it at them. "I'm taking you with me and we're going to find a cure until you can fight me properly!"

Repede barked and nudged Yuri's hand. Yuri looked over and Repede dashed down the hall, barking, until he reached a door about twenty feet away. He ran in circles in front of it, barking, and then ran back toward Yuri. While he did this, Zagi made a run for them.

Judith grabbed the back of Yuri's chair, twisted him around, and said, "Go after Flynn! We'll hold him off." She shoved him and sent Yuri rolling down the hall.

It had happened too fast for him to even be annoyed with her for manhandling him. Yuri let the rims of his wheels rub his palms to slow himself down until it was safe to grab them. He pulled himself to a stop a few feet past the door Repede had pointed out, just in time to hear a crash from elsewhere in the house. His thoughts flew to Estelle, but he trusted her to handle herself. The important thing was to get to Flynn before Carter did. As long as Carter didn't have a hostage, Yuri had no doubt that they could defeat him.

The door opened and revealed stairs leading into a basement. For a long moment, Yuri stared at the steps. "Fuck." Why did it have to be stairs? He could shoot a crossbow, push himself at sprinting speeds, lift his entire body with his arms, but he could not navigate stairs. One step he could handle by popping a wheelie, but a whole flight? His mind lost its grip on the satisfaction he'd felt all evening. He was adrift in despair that the whole plan was going to be ruined because of a stupid staircase. He couldn't… he just couldn't….

He heard a grunt from the darkness below. It had been two-syllables and he was certain it had been a gagged voice trying to say his name. Flynn was down there, and Flynn needed his help. Yuri had gotten Flynn into this mess, so he had to get down there.

Yuri squeezed his rims looked at the stairs again. His first instinct was to bemoan his luck, because ever since he'd woken up in the hospital so many months ago, stairs had been his constant enemy. But feeling sorry for himself wouldn't help Flynn, so he owed it to Flynn to try thinking about it differently. The problem was that you needed to walk up and down stairs, and he couldn't do that. But, did you have to walk up stairs? The old Yuri had certainly never thought of traversing them any other way, but he wasn't the old Yuri anymore. He needed to stop looking at problems from the perspective of 'I'm able-bodied and this is what I can't do' and try approaching them from, 'I'm disabled but this is what I _can_ do.' There were other ways to go up and down stairs, weren't there? He recalled being a small child and sliding down stairs on his butt, step-by-step.

It might not work. It might cause him to fall and smash down the stairs. But, hey, he was already paralyzed; what was the worst that could happen?

* * *

Estelle had just started using actual magic when they heard the scream. She'd stalled Carter with questions for as long as she could, but he was starting to get annoyed and she didn't want him to give up on her and go take his anger out on Flynn. She sat close to him with her hands over his chest, slowly channelling magic into his lungs. She had no idea if this would work, but if it killed him… oh well.

Then they heard Zagi's voice. "YUUURIIII LOWELLLL! I knew you'd be here!"

Estelle's magic cut off as she jumped. Carter whipped his head to the door and then grabbed her wrist. "What was your plan? Keep me distracted while your friends go after Flynn?"

"No! I don't know what they're doing here." She twisted her arm and snapped it out of his grip. "I told them to stay behind and let me handle this."

"Sure you did. Stay here or I'll make mincemeat out of the commandant." Carter started toward the door.

Estelle leapt to her feet and grabbed an antique vase from a side table. Carter must be on his way to Flynn to drag his hostage out to the others and threaten them into submission, but she wasn't going to let him get anywhere near Flynn. She ran, pulled her arms back, and smashed.

Carter noticed her attack at the last second, but his reflexes were too slow to avoid it completely. The vase hit the side of his face as he turned and then crashed on the floor. Carter grunted and stumbled backward. Estelle took the chance to start casting a spell while he was still woozy from the blow. Golden light blossomed around her and she could feel the magic bubbling up within her, ready to be released.

Carter's strength was diminished, but his knife was as sharp as ever. Estelle gasped as she felt something cold sink into her stomach and she had a prolonged second to feel it rapidly warm to her body heat and then slip out before the pain hit. Her hands closed over the wound as her knees gave out and she crumpled to the floor with a soft, "Oh."

"Bitch," Carter snarled at her. "We had a deal!"

Estelle started casting again - a healing arte this time. The light wavered as her breathing became erratic.

"Go ahead and heal yourself." Carter turned his back on her and strode to the door. "If you're still alive after I take care of your friends, you can work on convincing me to spare you and Flynn."

In far too much pain to reply, Estelle just glared at him as she squeezed her stomach and tried to keep the blood in. Carter slammed the door shut on his way out, just as Estelle charged enough to whisper, "F-first Aid…." The pain ebbed and she felt the wound begin to close. She took another ragged breath and it tugged open again, spilling more blood between her fingers. But, it was smaller. She just needed to try again, give herself a few more healing artes….

Estelle dragged herself to the couch so she could lean against something while she heaved for breath on the floor. She'd healed worse on their journey, so he was certain she would pull through if she paced herself and took it easy. What was really killing her was the dread that Carter was heading to Flynn and Zagi was attacking her friends and she couldn't do anything to help them.  _Yuri… it's up to you._

* * *

Yuri used his arms to brace himself. His left pressed against the wall and his right clutched the handrail. Slowly, he eased himself down the stairs on his back wheels. Thump, thump, thump. Every step jolted him and his wheels wobbled with only his hands keeping him from toppling down. It was so dark down here he had to do the whole thing blind. Even though it killed his hands, Yuri couldn't suppress a thrill as he worked his way down. He was navigating stairs! Stairs, his nemeses! If he could tackle stairs and win, what couldn't he do?

It almost disappointed him when he hit flat ground and ran out of handrail because it meant his triumph was over. The disappointment quickly left when he turned his attention on the outline of a shape barely visible. "Flynn!"

"Hmph!"

Yuri wheeled toward him until he heard a pained grunt from Flynn and realized his knees had crashed into Flynn's. Fumbling in the dark, Yuri's hands landed on Flynn chest, which flinched beneath his fingers. He prodded up to Flynn's neck, then his face, and found cloth wrapped tightly around it. Yuri dug his fingers under the fabric but stopped when Flynn jerked his head away with a muffled whimper. "Dammit, where are you not hurt?"

Flynn grunted in response.

It was impossible to see Flynn clearly in the low light, so Yuri's mind was left to imagine what condition Flynn might be in. His uncreative mind summoned the image of cigar burns and bloody finger stumps. He fought the urge to just grab Flynn and pat him down to check if he was all in one piece, because he didn't want to aggravate any injuries. "I'll cut your hands loose first so you can do it yourself." He grabbed the knife from the back of his chair and felt around Flynn's body to find the binds. Flynn's wrists were tied around the back of the chair and a few loops of rope encircled his chest. Yuri was more than a little relieved to feel Flynn's hands in one piece. For a moment, he held Flynn's hand tight. After spending the afternoon dreading the worst, it was heaven to feel Flynn alive below his fingers. He heard a thud from upstairs that was probably the battle with Zagi and then angled the knife at the rope.

Flynn tried to speak again and Yuri had a feeling it was something about being careful with that knife in the dark.

"Don't worry. Besides, what's the worst that could happen?" He gently probed around Flynn's palms to make sure he didn't cut them. "Even if I stab you in the back, you'll just get paralyzed. It's not the end of the world." He ignored the little voice that added it would serve Flynn right after doing this to Yuri. Dammit, brain, stop being mad at Flynn! That awful little voice had given up on trying to get him to off himself, so it had turned its attention to making him miserable in other ways. He'd managed to make it shut up about killing himself, so he hoped that with time he could get it to settle down about how much he ought to hate Flynn.

"Hm!" Flynn grunted. "M- _hm_ -hng!"

"What?" The syllables were garbled but the intonation had sounded like a warning. Yuri turned around just in time to see a dark figure looming behind him. Yuri rolled back and cursed himself for being too focused on Flynn to pay attention to his surroundings. Carter's knife swished through the air but missed him.

Yuri grabbed the back of Flynn's chair and jerked, throwing him to the ground before Carter could turn the blade on him next. The moan of pain this caused him made Yuri feel like crap, but better a hurt Flynn than a dead one. Flynn was only here because of Yuri, so Yuri was not going to let anything else happen to him. For five months, Flynn had suffered because of Yuri. Yuri had worried him by getting abducted, terrified him by nearly dying, and left him exhausted from coping with the ups and downs of Yuri's depression. Flynn said he needed to repay Yuri for leaving him in a wheelchair, but the months of hell he'd endured for Yuri's sake ought to even it out.

With Flynn out of the way, Yuri pushed himself forward to charge at Carter. Carter's knife lashed toward him again and Yuri winced as it grazed his shoulder. Carter missed a lethal strike, though. People were used to fighting opponents standing up; all Yuri's vitals were lower than any enemy was used to, which threw off their accuracy. Yuri kept going and smashed into Carter. He'd had to sheathe his knife to push his rims, so all he accomplished was knocking Carter back. The bastard stumbled until he hit the wall. Yuri braked and reached for his knife, but Carter was faster and swung his first.

Yuri abandoned his plan to get the knife in order to back up and keep his throat in one piece. Yuri's eyes were adjusting to the basement and he was able to see… well, that there was nothing to see. It was an empty room with some old boxes and chairs, a lot of dust, and an inert boiler in the corner. Nothing that would help him fight Carter.

"You're as bad as Flynn," Carter panted as he edged forward and swiped at Yuri. "You had a chance to leave, but you came back." He took another staggering step forward, again just missing Yuri with his knife. "What is it with you people and the self-sacrifice?! Even the princess got herself knifed trying to help you!"

"What did you do to Estelle?!" Oh, no, not Estelle. It had been his plan to send her in, so if she got hurt, it would be his fault, too. Estelle was one of the most essential people in getting him back on his feet - metaphorically, of course - and this was how he repaid her?

"Same thing I'm gonna do to you."

Yuri rolled backward again and longed for the ability to move and do stuff with his hands at the same time. Then he hit the wall and his heart turned to stone. Familiar feelings of self-loathing reared their heads. Flynn and Estelle were both hurt now because of him. They'd sacrificed so much time and energy to help him, and then he went and dragged them into this. Why couldn't he do anything right? Sensing an opening, that awful little voice wormed its way through his defences and said,  _Carter's going to kill you here and you'll probably be better off. Everyone will be better off if you just let him kill you._

Carter grinned and shot a hand forward to grab the front of Yuri's shirt. "I tried to kill you too quickly last time. It was naive, I suppose, to think one good stab would do the trick."

Yuri reached for his knife, but Carter jerked and tossed the chair to the side. Yuri landed hard on his right side, but his seatbelt kept him from going flying. It did, however, mean he was now lying on his side, strapped to a device the was nothing but an anchor without the wheels on the floor.

_Just lie there and let him put you out of your misery._

"I would have let you g-go," Carter wheezed and then started coughing again.

While Carter coughed, Yuri fumbled with the buckle around his waist. It was too dark to see the belt buckle so he had to trust his fingers, which was easier said than done when he had fewer of them than he ought to.

_Why are you even trying? Just give up._

"I really had no reason to hurt you. But you keep. Coming.  _Back_!" _Cough, cough_. "Why can't you be a normal person and only look out for yourself?! I just hate people like you!"

The belt fell away and Yuri reached over his shoulder for his knife.

"So this time I'm going to kill you properly."

Yuri rolled away from the chair a second before Carter reached it. "Thanks for the offer, but you botched it so much the first time, I think I'll find someone else to do it." Yuri slashed his knife at Carter and grinned when he heard a yelp and confirmed he'd sliced the man's shin.

While Carter clutched his leg and cursed, Yuri propped himself on his elbows and dragged himself toward Flynn. He didn't know what his plan was when he reached him - if he reached him. Flynn was badly hurt and likely not much use in a fight, but over the months Yuri had come to see Flynn as the great anchor in his life. When he wanted to die, he used Flynn's resulting despair to hold himself back. When he wanted to enjoy himself, he used lazy mornings lying in bed together to remember that happiness existed no matter how many legs you had. Flynn was his strength when he had none to move himself and his motivation when he struggled with his own. Yuri would not have survived post-injury without Flynn to stand up for him, and now, at the end of his rope, all he could think of was crawling to him.

Then he was sliding backward and Yuri jerked his head over his shoulder to see Carter had grabbed his ankles and was pulling. Yuri twisted his torso to try to throw him off, feeling like a fish being reeled in. Carter twisted and flipped Yuri onto his back. Yuri used his right hand to push against the floor and get upright while his left aimed for Carter's legs again.

Carter expected another attack and stepped away before the knife hit. Yuri was thrown off balance by the unsuccessful swing and then Carter crouched and grabbed his wrist, slamming it onto the ground. The force caused Yuri to lose his grip on his knife and Carter snatched it up and tucked it into his belt.

"Are you paying attention, Flynn?" Carter grabbed the front of Yuri's shirt and pushed him to the ground. "Do you feel the deja vu? I'm going to kill your boyfriend."

Flynn shouted unintelligibly and Yuri could hear the creak of rope and wood as Flynn tried to break free. "Chill out, Flynn. I got this." He wondered if Flynn could tell his actual thinking was more along the lines of,  _I so don't got this_.

Carter smiled and held his knife over Yuri's face. "What do you think? Stabbing you in the back was ineffective, but -  _hurk_ ," he struggled to breathe through a series of coughs.

Yuri wrinkled his nose as phlegm peppered his face. "Gross. Didn't your mom ever teach you to cover your mouth?"

Carter hissed slashed his knife across Yuri's face, just deep enough to hurt. "Didn't yours teach you not to insult people threatening your life?!"

Yuri shrugged. "Maybe, but I like to think I'm a rebel."

"How about I stick this in your throat this time. Think that'll kill you for good?"

Yes, it probably would. "Nah, I'm pretty resilient." There wasn't much he could do in this position. The old him would have kicked and flipped his way to victory by now, but current him didn't have the option to get up. Would never have the option to get. Was a useless burden who got his friends hurt and ought to let Carter end it here and stop prolonging the suffering.

Damn. He'd really thought he'd gotten rid of that stupid suicidal impulse, but here he was again. Maybe it was because death was so close it was easy to toy with the urge to stop fighting and just let it happen. Nearby, he heard Flynn breathing heavily through his nose and the creak of rope as Flynn fought, even through the pain of his injuries, to escape and help him. Once again, Flynn was hurting himself to try to support Yuri. And once again, Yuri wasn't even sure he wanted that support.

 _Because how can you be content to live like this? How can_ I _live like this?!_

For the first time, Yuri put a name to that voice. Maybe the reason he'd struggled so much to silence it was because he didn't know where it came from or what its weaknesses were. 'How can I live like this?', it had said, and he realized who it had been all along: himself. Well, the old him. It was the remnants of old-Yuri struggling to survive in the back of reborn-Yuri's head, and it didn't like where it had found itself. Before the injury, if someone had asked him how he felt about paraplegia, he'd probably have grimaced and said he'd rather die than live like that, and now he had the dredges of able-bodied-Yuri refusing to go quietly into the night to make way for disabled-Yuri. No wonder that voice seemed to hate him; his old self would have been mortified at the thought of becoming crippled and depressed. But Yuri had decided it was time to abandon any remaining vestiges of his old self, which meant that voice had to go.

 _I am content to live like this_ , he thought with determination.

 _You're not_ , it replied.  _You'll never be. This isn't you._

 _No, this isn't_  you.  _But it is_  me. This was his life.  _His_. Not his past's. Against all the odds, he was alive and he was living and he was flourishing. He was more than just content - he was happy. Happy to be paralyzed? Maybe not, but he'd never thought of himself as being happy to have legs, either. It was just his state of existence, and not something that affected his satisfaction with life. New Yuri saw the world from a slightly lower perspective and it was time for old Yuri to shut the hell up.

"You know why you want to kill me so much?"

Carter raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

He needed to find new tactics that didn't rely on brute strength. New Yuri wasn't a melee warrior, and needed to learn to think about battles in a different way. "Because look at me. I'm paralyzed. More than half my body is totally useless. I can't even walk up a flight of stairs. But even then, I'm still living a better life than you. Isn't that pathetic?" He needed Carter to want him alive.

Carter stared at him for a moment, bristling with fury, and in that moment Yuri feared the knife was going to sever his throat at any second - which would be bad, he told himself, and was pleased to find no refutation from the banished voice. Instead, Carter dropped his knife so he could punch Yuri in the face. "You think you know my life?!"

The punch hurt, but Yuri was pleased. Making Carter mad was good. Determined Carter wanted to kill him quickly and get it over with, angry Carter wanted to draw it out and make him suffer. Suffering wasn't fun, but the longer he was alive, the longer he had to get out of this. Besides, Judy, Karol, and Repede should be finishing up with Zagi soon, and when they came down to help, Carter was done for. He just needed to wait it out.

Yuri laughed. "Yeah, I think I do! You're pathetic. You got told you had a terminal illness, and what have you done? Nothing! I got stuck in a wheelchair and I've done more with my life than you have."

Carter shook him, smashing his head into the floor. "Did you really convince yourself you're happy like this? Not even a proper man?"

Yuri took a breath as the world spun and his head throbbed. "Hm… yeah, I think so. More happy than you, at any rate."

Carter punched him again and Yuri heard a crack from his cheekbone. "You should be begging me to kill you. Begging me to put you out of your misery before you spend the rest of your life crawling around helplessly."

"Begging you to kill me? Geeze, stop projecting your own issues onto me. I know perfectly well you were hoping Flynn would kill you. You said it was about proving he was capable of murder, but I think you just wanted to die because you were afraid of your diagnosis."

"I could easily have killed myself, you moron."

"Hm, I don't think you could have. Wanting to die is one thing, but actually having the guts to go through with it? I mean, you shouldn't, but it takes commitment, which you don't have."

Carter gave Yuri a few more punches for his comments. Come on, Judy, hurry up! Then Carter grabbed Yuri's shoulders and flipped him onto his stomach. He pulled Yuri's knife from his belt and then slammed his other elbow into Yuri's spine. The background pain flared and Yuri winced.

"I have an idea." Carter brushed Yuri's hair away and the tip of the knife trailed over the back of his neck. "Why don't I stab you again? I'll stab you right here." The knife dipped into the skin between the vertebrae in Yuri's neck. "Paralyze you from here this time. How much smart-mouthing do you think you'll do when I make your arms as floppy and lifeless as your legs?

The arms in question were currently folded under Yuri's body.  _Wait for it_.

"Well? No smart comments to that?" The hand not holding the knife smashed into Yuri's side with bruising force. A vivid memory of being kicked in the same place flashed through Yuri's head, but he couldn't think about that now. "Feel that? In a few minutes you won't."

The knife dug deeper. Yuri's breath came tense and fast. If Carter went any further, he really would cause damage again. There was no time to wait for the others. Maybe this would get him killed, but if he didn't act now, he was going to find the only cure for paraplegia was to turn it into the quad kind.

Yuri twisted. Carter hadn't been expecting that; he thought Yuri was helpless beneath him. Carter's dropped knife, which Yuri had snagged as soon as he rolled onto his stomach and then hidden beneath his body, flew upward. Carter moved but couldn't avoid a deep gash along his hip. The man scrambled backward, clutching his side with a yowl. He curled up a few feet from Yuri, coughing and wheezing.

Yuri panted and pushed himself onto his elbows. "You sick freak." One hand went to the back of his neck to press against the blood oozing out. He was still too buzzed with adrenaline for it to hurt yet, but the blood welling up between his fingers was worrisome. Yuri tugged the strip of fabric from around his waist and tied it around his neck to act as an impromptu bandage.

Carter had risen to his knees, one hand still pressed to his side. "You… you bastard…. You think you're happy?" He walked on his knees toward Flynn. The wound slowed him down, but he was still faster than Yuri.

Yuri started going after him, but it only took a few drags to realize it was useless. He needed to get back in his chair if he was going to keep up with Carter. It was closer, but still frustratingly far away for someone who had to drag themselves with only their arms.

"Shoulda… done this… ages ago," Carter muttered as he reached Flynn. "You think you're happy? How happy will you be alone?"

Yuri reached his chair. He peered over his shoulder and saw Carter kneeling over Flynn, one hand gripping his hair and pulling his head back and the other holding a knife over his throat. Yuri could hear Flynn's heavy breathing from here and knew that though Carter had needed Flynn alive as a hostage earlier, he now thought he could subdue Yuri easily enough to use against Estelle. Flynn had no use to him now but as a way to make Yuri suffer for daring to be happier with life than Carter was.

"Try to stop me, Yuri."

Yuri fumbled through the bag on the back of his chair. Part of him wanted to turn around and gaze at Flynn, because the panic drumming in his ribcage said this might be his last chance to see Flynn alive. But he couldn't just sit here and watch it happen. He'd spent far too much time already just lying around and watching life happen.

"That's right, you c-ca…" He panted and coughed, which hurt his side and made him groan in pain. "Can't. Ha…."

Yuri's hands found his crossbow. He barely even noticed his fingers going to the quiver. Both his heart and his mind raced and he seemed to be moving through a dream.

"You can't do anything. Because I ruined you. You're weak… and helpless… you're going to wish I had killed you."

Yuri shoved the bolt into the bow and rolled to his side. The basement was still just as dark, but by now his eyes had adjusted. There was Carter, kneeling over Flynn with a deranged grin and desperation in his eyes, and there was Flynn with a knife far too close to his throat for comfort. "Shut the fuck up."

The bolt zipped through the air and slammed into Carter's shoulder. He dropped the knife and fell back with a gasp. Yuri loaded another one, but this time Carter didn't get up. He could be heard whimpering and moaning from behind Flynn, so Yuri kept the knife with him as he dragged himself across the room, just in case. When he reached Flynn, Carter was still curled up a few feet away.

"See?" Yuri looked down at Flynn and started sawing the rope around his chest. "I told you I got it." He hefted the chair to the side and with a thunk and a groan, Flynn landed on his side, revealing his bound wrists. Yuri quickly cut through those as well and Flynn wasted no time in grabbing the cloth around his face and tugging it away. He lay motionless, still pressed against the chair, taking long and shaking breaths.

"Are you gonna live?" Yuri asked while resting his chin on his folded arms.

Flynn slowly nodded before he got the strength to speak. "Yes… I'm fine."

Even in the dim light, Yuri could tell he was full of shit. There were dark smudges on his face that had to be blood and Yuri couldn't help noticing how stiffly he held his leg. Yuri reached for him and gently rested a hand on his shoulder. "I'd carry you up, but… that's probably not going to happen."

"Heh. Same."

Yuri pulled himself closer and flipped to his side so they could lie with their faces close together. Lying on the floor, tired and sore, they clung to each other for over a minute. Even the presence of Carter couldn't ruin this moment. Yuri noticed the puffiness of Flynn's cheek and how stiffly Flynn moved, but at the moment all he could focus on was how very alive they were. Flynn because Yuri had spent the entire afternoon dreading worst case scenarios of losing Flynn, and himself because he hadn't felt this invigorated about life since before the injury.

They held each other tightly for a few minutes until Yuri heard footsteps pound down the stairs. "Yuri?"

"We're over here, Judy." He could see her at the base of the stairs, looking around while waiting for her eyes to see through the shadows.

"Do you have everything under control?"

Yuri pushed away from Flynn with only a twinge of regret. "Yep. Zagi?"

"He got away. When he realized the fight was going badly, he leapt out a window and made a run for it. Repede chased him but I don't know if he's had any luck."

"What about Estelle?"

Judy crossed her arms. "She's hurt. Karol's with her now. She closed the wound but she's very weak."

"He's going to pay for this," Flynn seethed.

"Oh, hello, Flynn. How are you?"

Flynn remained motionless. "Honestly, I've been better, thank you."

"And Carter?"

"Hear that pathetic whining?" Yuri said. "He's bleeding a lot but I think he'll live."

"What a pity. Flynn, can you carry Yuri up?"

Flynn shook his head. "I don't know if I can even make it up myself. My leg is broken."

Yuri's vision went to Flynn's leg and anger rushed through him again. Carter was going to pay for this.

"Ok. I'll help you up." Judith followed their voices to find them on the ground. "I'll tell Karol to fetch some knights and then come back down for you, Yuri."

"Cool. I'm not going anywhere."

Judith held Flynn under the arms and helped him rise to one wobbling foot. Yuri heard his breathing speed up as the movement caused him pain, but Flynn stubbornly kept his mouth closed. Flynn wrapped his arm around Judith's shoulders and she helped him hobble up the steps.

When they were gone, Yuri put his hand over the back of his neck. Blood had soaked through the fabric but it wasn't hot and fresh now. It was also beginning to sting. There was also a cut on his shoulder and after all this exertion, his back was killing him. A nice long soak in a hot tub would be wonderful when he got back to the inn.

"You…" Carter's voice crept out of the shadows. "You're a joke." He coughed some and moaned and then said, "Did you really convince yourself you can be content like this?"

Yuri rolled his eyes. "Shut up, Carter."

"Just think. You'll never be able to stand up again for the r-r-rest of your life."

"Yeah, and you're going to be dead in another month or so." Yuri rolled on his side, resting on one elbow while holding the back of his neck. "You know, I sorta feel sorry for you."

"You? H-how dare… you pathetic… you cripple… you have no basis…."

"It's pretty tough when a doctor tells you your life is screwed. It's safe to say neither of us took it very well. We were both sad… and scared… and angry at the world for screwing us, and angry with ourselves for getting into this position."

"I'm… I'm…" he choked, groaned, and gave a few pathetic coughs. "Nothing like you."

"But I had friends to support me. You, being a raging asshole, had to face it alone. Maybe if you'd had someone to lean on, you'd cope better. I know I couldn't have done this on my own." He sighed and looked toward the stairs when he heard Judith coming back. "Well, it's too late now. You made your choices. I guess I understand why you're so desperate; I would be too if I knew the flames of hell were closing in on me."

"You…" he hissed. "I hope you enjoy rotting in that wheelchair. Even when I'm gone… ha, you'll always remember who put you there."

"Yeah, maybe." He rolled over to see Judith at the bottom of the steps. Flynn was safe upstairs with Karol. "But more importantly, I'll remember who got me out."

Judith reached him and he wrapped his arms around her neck. She grabbed his legs and hefted him onto her back. Tired, sore, and relieved, Yuri was more than happy to let her carry him out of the dark.


	34. Moving On

Judith carried Yuri into a sitting room where Flynn sat next to a sleeping Estelle. Flynn had been watching her, but looked up when Yuri and Judith entered. He scooted over to make room for Yuri on the couch.

"I'll go get your chair," she said after setting him down.

As she left, Yuri leaned forward and frowned at Estelle. He dress was splattered with blood. "How is she?"

Flynn rested his hand on her leg. "She's going to be fine. She closed the wound, but wore herself out. She's just resting now."

"I hate that bastard," Yuri muttered. Carter didn't know how to keep things private. He was like a thrashing animal, harming anyone that got close regardless of motivation.

"Can't say I'm fond of him myself."

Yuri looked away from Estelle to take in Flynn's swollen face. His nose was crooked, blood stained his lips and chin, and his eyes were puffy and red. This reminded Yuri of his own sore face with its fractured cheekbone already swelling below his eye. "Are you doing ok?"

"I'll live."

"What about your leg?"

Flynn's hand rested on his left knee. "It's fractured. My torso is pretty banged up, too. He used me as a punching bag for a little while, but nothing life-threatening." He looked away with a frown. "Nothing like what he did to you."

"Good." Yuri rested a hand on Flynn's thigh. There was no need for Flynn to suffer like he had. "But you didn't know he wouldn't when you gave yourself up. Hell, Flynn! He could have killed you, or mutilated you, or stabbed you in the spine just to see what would happen." He clenched a fist but held back on punching him, since Yuri was sure Flynn was in more pain than he was letting on and dozens of bruises must be concealed under his clothes. "You could have been killed."

Flynn rolled his eyes. "You're one to talk. Who barged in here in the first place?"

"Yeah, well we already know I have mental problems, so are you saying you're as brain damaged as I am?"

"You instigated this. I was just doing damage control."

"By sacrificing yourself? The commandant can't just throw his life around like that."

"It's my life and I'll put it on the line for whomever I want."

"Oh, that's real smart. Send the general out on the front lines to protect all the privates. That's definitely how wars are won."

Flynn folded his arms. "I wouldn't sacrifice my life for just anyone."

"What, am I so special?"

Flynn turned to look at him and then snapped, "Yes."

Yuri breathed in to start a retort, but he wasn't quite sure what to say to that. "Well - well so are you."

"You're an idiot for trying to break in here alone."

"And you're an idiot for trading places with me."

They glared at each other for a heated thirty seconds. It was one of their more pathetic glare-offs, since both of them were looking through swollen eyes and puffy faces. Flynn lost his anger first. "Thank you for rescuing me."

Yuri had to give him a lopsided smile back. "And thanks for getting me out of here."

Flynn wrapped a hand around Yuri's neck and pulled him close to lay a kiss on his lips. The growing bruise on Yuri's cheek throbbed when Flynn's broken nose bumped it, which made both of them hiss in pain. Flynn was too stiff and sore to move with any grace and Yuri was incapable of shifting his lower body into a more accessible position. In the awkward fumbling, Flynn bit his lip, the hand around his neck stung against the wound, and Yuri could taste the remnant of foul cloth and blood in Flynn's mouth. In all honestly, it was one of the worst kisses Yuri had ever had, but he wouldn't have traded it for the world. Besides, it had been today that Yuri fully embraced the idea of starting over with a new identity and a new life, so in a way this was sort of like a first kiss, and those weren't supposed to be any good. The only part he regretted was that it eventually had to end.

"You're bleeding." Flynn pulled his hand away from Yuri's neck and frowned at the red smear.

Yuri reached his hand around. "Because you disturbed the clot. Thanks a lot, asshole."

"How deep is it?"

"Can't be that deep. Your vertebrae are pretty close to the surface in the neck and I know he didn't manage to nick them."

"But it's still bleeding, and your face is, too. You should see a doctor."

Yuri groaned. "I hate doctors."

"For me?"

Yuri heaved a dramatic sigh. "As long as this one focuses only on this cut."

"Good. Do you have any other injuries?"

"Well, I…" he looked down and lowered his voice to deadly seriousness. "I think there's a problem. I… I can't feel my legs."

Flynn shoved his shoulder. "Shut up, Yuri."

Yuri lost his balance from that fell into the side of the couch, still laughing.

The knights showed up after about ten minutes. Karol and Judith led them to the sitting room where they found Estelle fast asleep and Flynn and Yuri close to it. They sat slumped together, but Yuri opened his eyes when the knights arrived.

"Hey, guys. Good of you to turn up. Carter's in the basement."

Some of the knights tromped off to deal with him while others rushed to Flynn and Estelle. It took a while to assure the knights they were not in immediate danger, but they still were eager to get them to a doctor. Yuri could tell by the looks on the knights' faces that they wanted to say more about the commandant and the princess going into danger without telling them, but didn't want to overstep their boundaries.

Yuri pulled himself off the couch and into his chair, which Judith had brought him. Then he wrapped his arms around Estelle and pulled her onto his lap. He held her tight, still furious with Carter for hurting her. She shouldn't even have gotten involved, but if she hadn't held Carter up, Yuri probably wouldn't have made it to the basement before he did. "Judy, can you push me while I hold Estelle?"

She nodded while the knights stepped forward to support Flynn hopping on one foot.

The other knights were still downstairs tending to Carter while Yuri left the building, but Yuri wasn't worried about him. In the months between seeing him last, a combination of memories and nightmares had built Carter up as some powerful demon. He was the only person to ever leave Yuri feeling truly defeated and knowing he was out there had been like confirming the boogieman was real.

But in reality, Carter was just… pathetic. It must be a horrible existence, Yuri thought. Zagi was insane, but seemed blissfully unaware that he was a raving lunatic. Carter, though, knew that he was screwed up. What must it be like to grow up knowing society viewed you as 'evil'? To always have to hide your true feelings or risk being branded a monster? No wonder he tried so hard to convince himself everyone else felt the same way as him, and he was the only one brave enough to admit it. All his bravado and needling was just an attempt to get others to show their inner monsters. When the monster inside him was forced to confront the reality that monsters didn't live inside everyone, well… even a monster was afraid of being alone.

It was like what Yuri had tried to tell Karol about spiders: don't freak out; they're more afraid of you. How could Yuri be so afraid of a man who did nothing but try to run away from his reality? There was no reason to let him rule his nightmares.

Estelle woke up halfway to the clinic. After a brief explanation from Yuri, she curled up on his lap and hugged him tight. At the clinic, a nurse tended to Estelle to make sure her wound really was closed while Flynn was taken by the doctor to treat his injuries. Yuri sat in the waiting room with Judith and Karol, too tired to chat. After a few minutes, Repede found his way to them and disgruntledly plopped at Yuri's feet.

"You didn't catch Zagi?" Yuri asked.

Repede growled.

"Aw, man." Karol sat next to Yuri and kicked his feet. "I hate to think of that psycho on the loose."

Yuri shook his head. "You know what? I don't even care. After everything he's survived, I think he's just a staple of the universe."

Judith nodded. "A force of nature you mean?"

"Yeah. I don't think we even can kill him. It would be like killing a hurricane. Besides, by this point I feel like life would be boring without him popping up every now and then like some demented whack-a-mole."

About fifteen minutes later, Flynn limped into the waiting room on crutches, his lower leg in a white cast. With a straightened nose, washed face, and apple gels numbing his pain, he looked a lot more like himself.

"Look who's back among the living," Yuri said with a grin. "Doing all right?"

"I'm on my feet. I can't really complain. Estellise fell asleep again, but the doctor can patch you up now."

The doctor was curious when Yuri rolled in and eyed the chair with questioning eyes. He restrained himself while bandaging the cut on Yuri's shoulder and gently washing the wound on the back of his neck, but while carefully giving Yuri a row of stitches, he couldn't help interrogating him. Yuri didn't really mind. It gave him something to think about other than the needle in his neck, and maybe educating the doctor on these types of injuries would help some other poor sap who got himself in this position.

They trudged back to the inn. After such a wild night, it seemed weird to just head to bed, but they were exhausted. Estelle woke up as they arrived and they all shared a sombre goodnight before parting. Estelle leaned on Judith on the way upstairs, while Yuri led Flynn to their first floor room.

In their room, Flynn didn't bother trying to pull pyjamas over his cast. The doctor had already ripped open one leg to get to the injury. Flynn stripped off his clothes and collapsed into bed in his boxers, revealing a chest covered in red and purple splotches.

Yuri followed suit and crawled under the sheets beside him. They'd done all of this in an exhausted silence until they were finally lying side by side with only their slow breaths to fill the room.

Flynn's hand snaked under the covers to find Yuri's. "Thank you."

"I'm the one who should be saying that." He pushed himself onto his side so he could move closer to Flynn. "I shouldn't have gone in there by myself. It was a really bad move."

"Yeah. It was. Loving you is going to give me a heart attack."

Yuri wrapped his arm over Flynn's chest. "Are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine, Yuri, really. He beat me up, but then he tied me to a chair and ignored me for a few hours. It wasn't fun, but I'm not dying."

Yuri pressed his head against the crook of Flynn's neck. "I really am sorry."

"What are you sorry for? You're not the one who beat me."

"It was my fault you were there in the first place. You got hurt saving my ass from my own dumb mistake."

Flynn pulled his arm up to sandwich Yuri's hand on his chest. "Yes, but… it all goes back to my fault, anyway. Carter would never have targeted you in the first place if it wasn't for me, and then when I picked you up…." Flynn grimaced. "It's my fault you've suffered for the past few months. If it wasn't for me, you'd still be walking. Getting you out of there was the least I could do to make it up to you."

Yuri thought about this for a few seconds. He could feel Flynn's tense muscles under his hand; it was obvious Flynn was still deeply upset by his guilt. "You know… I remembered something tonight."

"What's that?"

"Not something I forgot, exactly, just not something I ever put much thought into. Maybe it's because I always tried so hard to avoid thinking about that night, but recently I've been forcing myself to confront it and then tonight Carter reminded me again. I remember being stabbed."

"I know you do. I wish you didn't, to be honest. I wish you could forget about those days and wash them out of your mind for good."

"No, but this is a good memory. Well… ok, it's not, but it has good results. Because I remember the knife sinking into me, and I remember falling to the ground, and then I remember Carter kicking me."

Flynn's frown deepened. "I remember all that too."

"He kicked me pretty hard, right in the back."

Flynn nodded slowly. "Right… I watched this happen, Yuri. It was the worst night of my life."

"What I'm saying, if you could get over how upset you were, is that I don't think a solid kick to the spine immediately after stabbing me was good for my back."

Flynn's frown slowly faded to shock as his head turned to face him. "Wait… are you saying…?"

"I think it's possible that it wasn't you picking me up that snapped my spinal cord. It could have been him kicking me."

"But… you would know when it happened, wouldn't you? Could you still feel your legs between then and me picking you up?"

Yuri shrugged a shoulder. "I honestly don't remember. I blacked out pretty shortly after that and I was too out of it to really think about any of my limbs."

"But… but still, you can't know for sure. The doctor said picking you up must have been what did it."

"Yeah, but you didn't tell him I'd been kicked before that, right? Geeze, Flynn, do you  _want_  to take credit for this?"

"Of course not! But I want to be held responsible for my actions. If I hurt you, that's something I have to live with."

Yuri shook his head. "You didn't hurt me. You saved my life. It was Carter's kick that broke my back; all you did was get me out of there so Estelle could stop the bleeding fast enough."

"But you can't know for sure."

"No, but it doesn't matter. Whether you did or you didn't, it's over. What happened, happened. Shitty things happen in life sometimes, and nobody gets to choose what circumstances they fall into. The best we can do is make the most of what we got, and the exact reasons we fell into that hole won't help us get out. Maybe you picking me up broke my back. Maybe it was Carter kicking me. I'll never know for sure, and knowing won't make my spinal cord any less severed, so why can't I pick the one that makes me happy?"

Flynn seemed to think Yuri was saying this for his benefit, so that Flynn wouldn't feel bad. Actually, Yuri wanted to believe this for himself. As much as he knew Flynn hadn't done it on purpose, he had been unable to shake that thought from the back of his mind. He wanted to forgive Flynn and move on, so he was more than happy to find an explanation that got Flynn off the hook. After all, it  _could_  be true, just like Yuri  _could_  have died if Flynn hadn't risked carrying him up. There were a lot of variables and a lot of things they simply would never know, so if he had a multiple choice past, he'd pick the option he liked best. Carter had been the one to paralyze him. Carter stabbed him and then kicked him hard enough to snap the weakened cartilage. That explanation was sufficient for him.

"Yuri…"

"What?"

"I've been carrying this weight for months. You can't just wipe it away like that."

"Sure I can. It's gone. Stop worrying."

Flynn sighed. "Everything is always so simple with you."

"Fine. If you won't let it go right away, just know I hold no resentment toward you. As far as I'm concerned, you're in the clear."

Flynn thought for a minute and then leaned close to bump his forehead against Yuri's. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"

"Well, I can think of lots of crappy things I've done to deserve you."

"You idiot."

"You're an idiot."

"I'm glad you're not dead."

"I'm ok with you still being alive, too."

"Let's never do this whole hostage and torture thing again."

"Agreed."

* * *

When Flynn woke up, he found himself alone. For a long minute, he didn't move. The events of yesterday replayed through his head and he closed his eyes again from exhaustion. Everything came hurtling back at him as his aches and bruises woke up and got around to their job of making him miserable. But then, there had been what Yuri said last night. Had that actually happened? Had Yuri really absolved him of guilt for paralyzing him? It was so unreal it could have been a dream.

But Yuri had said that, which meant Flynn didn't need to feel guilty anymore. He'd done nothing wrong. Yuri had been paralyzed before Flynn even had a chance to touch him. Or, at least, that was what Yuri claimed. Flynn wasn't so sure. As nice as it would be to accept Yuri's version of the truth, it just felt like cheating to absolve himself of any guilt. If it made Yuri happy… well, it was his back. Didn't he get to decide what had happened to it? Or at least, decide what the official story was. Flynn would let him believe whatever he wanted, and he could spent some time working through his guilt on his own. It would be much easier to live with himself knowing that Yuri didn't blame him, at least.

He couldn't just lie in bed thinking about this all day, though. He had already missed a meeting yesterday and he needed to arrange for Carter to be transported back to Zaphias to once again stand trial for his new crimes. Flynn just hoped it would be easier to pin charges on him when he'd assaulted the princess herself. Before he could deal with any of that, though, he needed to get out of bed.

Flynn started to move and then regretted it. His bruises had settled in last night and every joint felt in need of a can of oil. The urge to lie still and hide under his blanket all day nearly overcame him, but it would be pretty hypocritical after he'd spent all winter preaching at Yuri about getting out of bed even when you didn't feel like it. He slowly worked himself upright and then grabbed his shirt from the floor to cover himself. He could just reach his bag with his uninjured leg and tugged it forward to find a pair of sweatpants that would fit over the cast. Once dressed, he grabbed the crutches and dragged himself to his feet. Putting his weight on his arms sent aches through his torso, but he clenched his jaw and made his way out of the room to find Yuri and maybe breakfast.

Yuri ended up being in the hall, on his way back to the room with a tray of food on his lap. "Good morning."

"That's debatable."

"I made you breakfast." Yuri stopped and motioned at the pancakes on his lap. "Go lie down."

"I can't. I have to go to work."

Yuri rolled forward and tugged Flynn's wrist. "You can eat breakfast in bed and then go to work. Come on, you're a wreck."

Flynn awkwardly turned around and then hopped back to the room. He had to admit, lying down to eat sounded nice. They both returned to bed and lounged among the blankets while eating Yuri's pancakes.

"Did you make these yourself?" Flynn asked as he balanced a plate on his knee.

"Yep. The innkeeper let us use the kitchen."

"Us?"

"Karol helped. Well, mostly he got things off shelves for me, but it was still help."

Yuri's pancakes were as delicious as ever. They were light and fluffy with just enough syrup and, since Yuri had made them, some chocolate chips. Flynn pointed this out, which naturally led to an argument about the pros of sugar and whether Yuri was actually a child. The bickering didn't stop until Yuri had thrown bacon at Flynn's face and they were both laughing.

"Ha…" Flynn panted, clutching his chest. "Stop. That hurts."

"You started it." Yuri lay on his back now, his plate cleared.

"Did not."

"Did too!"

"Did not. And look out, you're going to smear syrup on your arm."

Yuri moved the plate to the bedside table. "Always looking out for me."

"Of course. But I do need to get going now. I have things to do with the knights and I can't spend all day lying around." He looked to the crutches leaning against the bed and concealed a scowl. He wished Estelle nothing but the speediest of recoveries, but he couldn't help feeling a little resentment that she'd exhausted herself right when he needed her healing the most.

"Hey, I was thinking." Yuri propped his head up on his hand. "You should take my chair to the office."

"What?" Flynn pulled his gaze from the crutches. "I couldn't."

"Go for it." He waved his other hand. "I don't want to see you kill yourself on those crutches. It would be one thing if it was just a broken leg, but you're aching all over and it's obviously causing you pain to use them.

Flynn shook his head. "You need it more than me. You wouldn't be able to leave bed if I took it."

"Yeah, I already talked to Estelle about this. She needs to spend the day in bed to recuperate, so she's going to come down here and we're going to lie in bed and play board games and stuff. I won't be using it, so you might as well save yourself some pain and roll to work."

"Well… I guess, but I'd feel bad restricting your movement. I'm not hurt that bad."

Yuri rolled his eyes. "I told you, it's fine. I'm one-hundred-percent cool with you taking my wheels for a spin today."

Flynn frowned and looked to the chair. "But…."

Yuri narrowed his eyes. "Is there something wrong with going out in a wheelchair?"

It suddenly occurred to Flynn that he would feel silly using the chair. He'd be gawked at and he wouldn't have a way to quickly explain he was… what? Not a real cripple? That this was just temporary? And why did that matter? He'd spent so long being frustrated with Yuri for not wanting to leave the house, and now he felt the exact same way. "Of course not." He pushed himself off the bed and then leaned on it to hop around to the other side. There was absolutely nothing to be ashamed of to be seen using the chair, and it would be a pretty shitty demonstration to Yuri to make it look like he thought there was. He eased himself into the seat and got settled. He had an easier time of this than Yuri did every day, since he didn't have to go through the hassle of leaning down and manually adjusting his legs.

"You're sure you wont need to get up?"

"I'm positive. If there's an emergency, Judy can carry me." He leaned over the bed and pecked Flynn's forehead. "Go get your work done and take care of my ride, ok?"

"I will. I'll try to be back by lunch." Flynn rolled backward and then took a moment to figure out how to turn around. When he finally managed, he'd only gone a few seconds before reaching the door and getting stuck again. He leaned forward to grab the handle, but when he started to open it, it bumped his feet. If he scooted back far enough to give the door room to open, he couldn't reach the knob. Flynn moved himself sideways, which itself was a complicated manoeuvre that took over a minute of rolling back and forth to get the angle right, and then managed to pull the door open and then push it wide enough to get the chair through. Once in the hall, he leaned back to reach the doorknob to close it, but it was too far away.

"Er…." He glanced at Yuri, who was watching him with a smile. Yuri was enjoying this far too much. Flynn recalled that Yuri always grabbed the doorknob on his way through the door to shut it behind him, and he wondered how long it took him to get into that habit and learn how to streamline this process. He felt guilty, actually, that he didn't know the answer to that question. He remembered opening doors for Yuri in the hospital at first, but when had that stopped? He hadn't made note of it because going through a door was such a basic thing that it didn't stick out in his mind, but now that he had to figure out how to do this himself, it became clear that this was a much larger deal than he'd considered.

"Lady Estellise will be coming down soon. I'll just leave the door for her."

Yuri laughed. "Suit yourself."

Flynn felt the innkeeper watching him as he crossed the lobby but kept going to the door. He could feel himself being watch as he struggled with it again and was a little too excited at remembering to grab the knob on his way out. Once he was on the street, even more people looked at him. Flynn had never felt so self-conscious, even while walking through a crowd of knights all saluting him. Being looked at with respect was much different than being looked at with pity or curiosity. The going was slow and every time he got the wheel jammed on a bumpy piece of road or paused to rest his arms for a moment, he wanted to look around and see who was staring at him. No wonder it had taken so long for Yuri to get comfortable going outside.

Even more annoying was when he arrived at the Knight headquarters and rolled up to the main information desk to ask about Carter. The edge of the desk was level with his nose, forcing him to roll back and crane his neck. "Excuse me."

"Eh? Can I…" The knight on duty leaned over and looked down at him. "Oh! Commandant, sir!" He straightened up and saluted. "Sorry, sir, I wasn't expecting you down there."

"It's quite all right. I'd like to meet with your captain at his earliest convenience, and also talk to whoever is in charge of the prisoner Timothy Carter."

"Right away, sir!"

The knight ran off and Flynn sat by the desk to wait. Knights who walked by paused to greet him with a salute, but most of them had at least a small look of pity. He couldn't blame them, considering he was sitting in a wheelchair with a leg encased in plaster and twin black eyes, but it was just a small irritation on top of the indignity of having to look up at everyone. There was just something wrong with being saluted when you had to look up their nostrils. He had no right to be grumpy, he knew. He'd dealt with this for all of twenty minutes, while Yuri had been doing this for months.

A few minutes later, the knight returned to tell him the captain could see him in fifteen minutes and that he could see Carter now if he wanted. Flynn nodded and followed the knight through a back door to a row of cells.

At the end of the hall, the knight handed Flynn a folder and then left. Flynn let the file sit on his lap as he faced the cell. Through the bars, he saw Carter huddled on a bench, glaring at him.

"I'm honoured," Carter said. " A visit from the commandant him…" He wheezed for air and then grumbled, "Himself."

Flynn didn't say anything at first. He picked up the file and started skimming through the pages.

"What's with the chair? Did I manage to cripple you, too? Now that's an unexpected boon."

"Surprisingly," Flynn kept his eyes on the paper, "there are a number of reasons someone might use a wheelchair other than permanent paralysis."

"Heh… well… hope this one lasts for a while."

"Unlikely." Flynn closed the folder and rested it on his lap. "This is just temporary because my leg is broken. No long-term harm done, I'm afraid. I see you're to be transferred back to Zaphias to stand trial."

Carter held up his hands. "The justice system is so… so unfair. Always out to get poor little me."

"You can't honestly expect to get off again when you stabbed the princess."

"An innocent man always has hope."

"And so does a guilty one. The last time you imprisoned me, you were able to worm your way out of the charges with a blindfold, but no such luck this time. I had a very clear view of your face while you beat me, and there's little room for ambiguity in Lady Estellise's story."

"I found out that some dour criminal was using my family home to hold the commandant hostage so I came… came to rescue him. When I arrived, that deranged invalid Yuri Lowell attacked me in my own home and, sadly, the commandant suffered a…" he paused once more to pant, "...a head injury while being beaten that caused him to confuse the identity of his attacker."

Flynn's stare was wooden. "Uh-huh. And even if you convince a jury of that, you're still going back to prison with additional time for breaking out."

Carter shook his head with a frown. "This system is so corrupt."

"You'll be pleased to know that Yuri is doing well. I'd say at the moment, he's more physically fit than I am." Carter's hateful glare inspired him to keep going. "Lady Estellise is recovering fine, I have no long-term injuries, and I still haven't proved your hypothesis that any person could be driven to murder. It makes one wonder: what have you accomplished?"

Carter's glare narrowed and he panted for several seconds. "I'll always be remembered. I held Zaphias in fear for over a month."

"Except, hardly anyone knows your name. Most of the public just knows you by the nickname Heartbreaker. What was the point of anything you've done?"

He grinned. "You think the families of the victims will forget me?"

Flynn nodded slowly. "So was that it? You were suffering, so you wanted to make others suffer? You wanted to corrupt me to prove you weren't alone in that respect, and you wanted to make others feel pain and grief so you'd have company on that side, too."

Carter's infuriated silence was enough of a confirmation.

Flynn placed his hand over the file. "This says you only have a couple months left. It's a shame, really. You have wealth. You could have spent your final years supporting charitable causes, get your name on a plaque somewhere thanking you for your humanitarian efforts. You could have lived on in happy memories of hundreds of people. Instead, you're going to die alone in a cell while everyone else moves on with their lives and forgets about you. Have a good day, Mr. Carter. I'll see you in Zaphias."

As he left, Carter rose from the bench and staggered to the bars. "How dare you? You don't know anything! Y-y-you… hah… You're just trying to make yourself feel better. Don't you dare run away from me!"

Flynn looked over his shoulder. "It's too late to ask for that. I told you: the rest of us are moving on. You dug your own hole; now don't complain while we leave you behind in it."

* * *

Yuri lay in bed beside Flynn. It was the next day, and though they'd both be happy to lie here for hours, they had places to be. Flynn needed to head back to Zaphias for work, and Brave Vesperia needed to return to Dahngrest.

"How are you getting home?" Flynn asked. "Walking?"

Yuri gave him a look. "Well I'm certainly not."

"You know what I mean. Are Karol, Judith, and Repede walking?"

Yuri shook his head. "Ba'ul's picking us up. I don't think I could make the trip."

"I don't blame you." Flynn stretched his arms over his head. "I only pushed myself around for a few hours and that wore my arms out."

"Wimp."

"It's more strenuous than it looks."

"Yeah, well, we always knew I was stronger than you."

Flynn elbowed him in the ribs. "I can pretend to accept that if it makes you feel better. Anyway, Carter is coming back to Zaphias with me. Do you want to see him again before you leave?"

Yuri shook his head. "Nah. I don't have time for that waste of space. Besides, I have to see him again for the trial, right?"

"Yeah. You're all right with coming back for that?"

"Sure." Yuri folded his hands behind his head. "I'll help the justice system as much as I can. I just hope it works this time." He did feel a little weird about going to trial again. The last time had been such a disaster, and even though he was a lot more confident now, he still had nagging worries that everything would go pear-shaped again.

"I'm sure it will. He assaulted the princess and held the commandant hostage - there's no way he'll get off this time."

"Good luck." Yuri yawned and rested his head on Flynn's shoulder. "Damn. Why do I always have to get up on such lovely mornings?"

"Same here." Flynn patted Yuri's shoulder and then dragged himself out of bed. He balanced on the crutches and smiled down at Yuri in bed. "I've got to get ready to go, and you should too. It's been really nice to see you again."

"Even though you got your ass kicked?"

Flynn frowned. "Well… it hasn't been an entirely enjoyable trip."

"At least we got Carter. But yeah, it was bearable to see your dumb face, too."

"I'll see you in a month for the trial?"

Yuri nodded. "Yeah. See you in a month."


	35. A Life to Live

Yuri sat in the waiting room and smacked a ball of paper as it flew at his head. The paper arced back across the room, passed Karol's outstretched fingers, and hit the floor.

"Yeah!" Yuri threw his hands up in victory. "Another point for me!"

"Aw, man." Karol leaned over to pick it up. "It's not fair. Your arms are longer."

"Well, what do you want to play?"

Karol looked around the witness waiting room at the courthouse and then sighed. "I don't know. There's nothing to do."

Over the past few hours, the rest of the group had slowly dwindled as they were called one by one to testify at the trial. Flynn had been the first to go, which meant he and Yuri hadn't even had a chance to talk after Yuri arrived. Considering Brave Vesperia had come straight from Ba'ul to the court house, it had been over a month since Yuri had last had a conversation with Flynn. He was already annoyed because the court house still didn't have any form of ramp and it was just annoying to have to be carried into a building. They'd been left in the waiting room without any kind of snack or indication of how long it would be, and he was starting to worry about the content of the basket on the table.

The door opened and Sodia stepped in. "Yuri Lowell? The court is ready for you."

"Awesome. Captain," he pushed the basked toward Karol, "take care of this for me. Have a knight send it my way when it's your turn."

Karol bobbed his head. "Don't worry, Yuri! I'll take care of it."

Yuri left it in Karol's hands and then left the room. Sodia closed the door behind him and asked, "What's in the basket?"

"Surprise for Flynn."

"What's the surprise?"

"I don't think you fully grasp the concept of a surprise."

Sodia's eyes flickered downward with suppressed annoyance. Yuri hadn't seen her since the day she spilled the beans about Flynn's guilt, and he hadn't regretted that. He now followed her down the hall to the doors to the court room.

"Just a moment," she said, stopping in front. "They'll call you in momentarily."

Yuri arched his back and rolled his neck. "More waiting? Man, I thought they were ready for me."

"I'm sure you can handle waiting for another minute."

"Ah, you know me, I hate spending a whole day sitting down." He patted his rims with fondness; at least he always had a comfy chair to wait in. "Anyway, how's Flynn?"

"The commandant is doing well. His injuries have healed and he's been back to a regular work load for several weeks."

"That's good to hear."

Still looking at the doors, Sodia smiled. "Yes. I've noticed his attitude has been better these past couple of weeks than it has been since last fall. Looking after you took quite the toll on his emotional health."

Yuri didn't react, but his mental eyes were rolling. Typical from Sodia, really. In a way, Yuri sort of liked her because he liked to think Flynn had someone so concerned about him. In practice, though, she aggravated him more then stairs and desserts on too-high shelves. Obviously Yuri knew that Flynn had suffered over the winter, but Sodia really didn't need to bring that up. First, because while Flynn had certainly been in emotional pain, Yuri had been in significantly more, both emotional and physical, and Sodia didn't seem to care too much about that. And second, Yuri was fully aware that his prolonged journey out of the abyss had been hard on Flynn, too, and he already felt shitty about it without her reminding him.

In the silence, Sodia apparently had a chance to think about what she'd said. She looked down at him, then pulled her head up and swallowed. Stiffly staring at the door again, she said, "Yuri Lowell, I… I'm glad you're feeling well again. Seeing how happy you make Flynn… I won't say I understand it, but I appreciate it. I don't wish you any ill-will."

"Well… thanks."

The door opened and a knight ushered Yuri in. Sodia stayed behind, and the knight reached for Yuri to push him. Yuri whacked his hands away. "I got it, thanks."

Yuri pushed himself between the benches to the front of the room. The witness stand, he saw, still hadn't been adjusted to accommodate him, so he parked next to it and leaned back in his chair with his hands folded on his lap. The same lawyers from the last trial were here, which pleased Yuri. He was looking forward to chatting with them now that he was more mentally stable.

Yuri looked to the defendant's table and spotted Carter for the first time. It actually took Yuri a moment to recognize him, and he had a little thrill to see Carter sitting in a wheelchair. A month in prison had not treated Carter well. He looked like a sack of pale skin clinging to a skeleton. He leaned back in his chair, lacking the energy to sit unsupported. Even from a distance, Yuri could hear his haggard breaths as his dying lungs struggled to squeeze air through them.

There had been a time when the sight of Carter filled him with dread, when the mere thought of being in the same room as him made his heart beat a little faster. There had been a time when he really believed Carter was the one person in the world who could best him and come out laughing.

Teller, the prosecutor, approached him. She gave him an encouraging smile and Yuri was mildly embarrassed to remember how badly he'd screwed up here last time. He didn't need encouragement; he was eager to recount just what an asshole Carter was.

"Good afternoon," Teller said. "Could you please give your name and relation to the defendant?"

He nodded. "Yuri Lowell. And, well, this time I happened to be there to watch him threaten the commandant's life."

"Thank you. Please tell the court what you witnessed that day."

Yuri locked eyes on Carter. He had to be professional, which was why he'd forced his feet into stupid dressy shoes for this, so he couldn't ruin that by openly taunting the bastard. He could, however, give him the tiniest of cocky smiles and keep steady eye-contact while he launched into his story.

Yuri didn't miss a beat while talking. The story was shorter this time, but even then he got through it significantly faster. It was amazing how much easier it was to get through when you didn't have to stop every few minutes to get your head in order.

When he finished, Teller thanked him and it was Mr. Dunn's turn. He was the one Yuri was really looking forward to talking to, because he'd managed to make a fool out of Yuri the last time.

"So, Mr. Lowell." The lawyer stood before him with his hands folded behind his back. "Where did you first encounter Mr. Carter the day of the attack?"

"I told you. In the dining room of the house."

"Whose house?"

Yuri shrugged. "I think it belonged to his pop, but I don't want to make an assumption about something I'm not sure about."

"And given that his father is deceased, the house now belongs to Mr. Carter. What were you doing in his house?"

"Scoping the layout. Someone tipped me off that he and Zagi were hiding out there, so I wanted to check it out."

"What right did you have to break into his house?"

Yuri shrugged again. "He's a serial killer. I think pond scum deserves more rights."

Dunn raised his eyebrows. "Whether or not you believe he deserves them, Mr. Carter still possesses basic property rights. You broke into his house, so he attacked you."

"Yeah, I guess." Yuri suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. "Look, who's on trial here? I'm not saying sneaking in there was smart, but he still abducted Flynn and stabbed Estelle."

"Ah," Dunn held up a finger. "But by both your and the commandant's testimonies, Commandant Flynn willingly broke into Mr. Carter's house and elected to stay. That's hardly a kidnapping."

This time Yuri couldn't stop himself from rolling his eyes. "Yeah, ok, but I'd still charge someone if their buddy came over for tea and then they beat the crap out of them. You did see the doctor's report, right? It's not like Flynn got hurt playing a friendly game of Parcheesi."

Dunn gave him a dirty look. "Watch your tone, Mr. Lowell. Your sardonic commentary is not necessary in a court of law."

Yuri held up his hands. "Sure, fine, let's get back to the questions then."

The questioning dragged on for a frustrating half hour. Dunn was eager to pick apart every piece of Yuri's story, but Yuri didn't have anything to hide. He knew Dunn must be picking at straws to try to win the case by now. Estelle had testified earlier today, and testimonies couldn't get much more damning than the princess explaining how he'd invited her into the house and then stabbed her face-to-face. Followed by Flynn describing the hours of assault he'd endured, Yuri's account was little more than a ribbon on top. Had Yuri been in the wrong to take justice into his own hands and break into Carter's house to try to rescue Flynn? Sure, but he'd witnessed Carter hold a knife to the commandant's throat and threaten to kill him and his story corroborated Estelle and Flynn's perfectly.

At the end, when Dunn had run out of ways to try to cast Carter as a put-upon homeowner defending his house, he turned back to his old standard of trying to discredit Yuri's testimony altogether.

"Is it true, Mr. Lowell, that for one month you attended psychological therapy?"

"Yeah. What of it?"

"You'd already been discharged from the hospital. Why did you seek treatment?"

For the first time, Yuri was hesitant to answer. Why the hell was this anyone's business? Him wanting to kill himself had zero to do with Carter treating Flynn like a pinata. "I was having trouble coping."

"With what?"

Yuri held out his hands and broadly gestured toward his legs. He wanted to say,  _what the hell do you think?_  But that would not be professional and he was trying so hard. "With losing my legs."

"But your visits to the psychologist abruptly stopped approximately two months ago. Why?"

He shrugged. "I left town."

"Was this not immediately after Mr. Carter escaped from prison and contacted you?"

'Contact' was a funny way to describe attempted abduction. "It was around then, yeah."

"So, immediately after being confronted with the root cause for your trauma, you cut off treatment and left the city. Then you had a whole month without treatment for your mental problems, which culminated in you breaking into Mr. Carter's house and once again finding reason to demonize him."

"Well… yes. I'm demonizing him because he stabbed my best friend."

"How can you be sure you were even in the right state of mind to form memories properly?"

This wasn't just annoying, this was angering. Even when he had been seriously depressed, he still remembered things clearly. That was the problem - he hadn't been able to  _stop_ remembering. "Because believe it or not, having trouble coping with being tortured and crippled doesn't actually affect your mental abilities. I stopped seeing Sarah because I didn't need to see her anymore, and even if I did, depressed people are still capable of observing their friends tied to a chair and beaten to a pulp."

There wasn't much to say after that. Dunn couldn't find a way to get Yuri to admit he'd been in a questionable state of mind, and the questioning wrapped up about ten minutes later. After a quick follow-up from Teller to further cement that Yuri had been in control of one-hundred percent of his faculties that night Carter attacked Estelle and Flynn, he was released.

Out of the courtroom, Yuri got directions to another waiting area. Inside, he found his friends sitting around a long table snacking on a tray of doughnuts.

Estelle waved when she saw him and quickly swallowed. "Hello, Yuri! How'd it go?"

"Easy-peasy." He rolled up next to Flynn and Judy, who had been in conversation until he entered. "Hey, make some room for me."

Judith scooted over while Flynn smiled at him. "It's good to see you again, Yuri."

"Yeah, well, I can't avoid you forever." He turned to give Flynn a good look and was pleased to see that all marks from Carter's abuse had faded. Instead of smiling, though, he grimaced. "Ugh, I see your nose still hasn't healed properly. Hopefully that ugly thing clears up soon."

"Huh?" Flynn's fingers went to his nose.

"Oh, never mind, that's your normal nose, isn't it? Don't mind me."

Flynn rolled his eyes. "Very funny, Yuri."

Yuri grinned, landed a peck on Flynn's cheek, and said, "Missed you, too."

"We're going out for dinner after Karol is done," Estelle said. "Do you want to come, Yuri?"

Estelle was looking peachy, too. Yuri had been certain she'd recover fine, but it was still good to see in person. "Actually, Flynn and I have plans tonight. Maybe tomorrow."

"That's ok." She beamed. "You can join us tomorrow then."

A couple of minutes later, a knight poked his head in. "Um, Yuri Lowell? The kid asked me to give this to you."

"Oh, thanks." Yuri rolled backward to retrieve the basket and then lifted the lid to check on the contents. Satisfied that there were no problems, he pushed off the wall to glide right back to the table.

Estelle cocked her head when he returned. "What's in there?"

He rested his arms on the lid. "I'll tell you later."

Karol showed up about half an hour later, and then they were free to go. They made their way to the exit as a group, and when they reached the stairs Yuri said, "Who wants to bet on if I can hop all the way down on my back wheels?"

"No." Flynn the back of Yuri's chair. It didn't have handles, but Flynn found a way to hold on tight. "Absolutely not."

"Party-pooper."

They turned around so Flynn could ease Yuri down backward. Yuri held onto his basket all the way down, careful not to disturb the contents. He could tell Flynn was intensely curious by the way he kept eyeing it, but he hadn't mentioned it yet.

At the steps of the court house, it was time to part ways. "We're staying at the Comet," Karol said. "We'll do dinner tomorrow, but if you need us before that just come down and toss rocks at the window!"

"You shouldn't do that," Estelle said. "You might damage the window!"

"Heh, don't worry about it, Estelle," Yuri said. "I'll let Flynn go up and knock like a respectable person."

"See you tomorrow, Yuri!" Karol said.

Judith added, "And don't forget to tell Flynn about that mission in Caer Bocram. Have a nice night."

"I'm going now, too!" Estelle said. She leaned over to quickly give Yuri a big hug. "It was nice to see you again."

"I'm glad you're feeling better," Yuri said. "And I'm sorry again for getting you involved with Carter."

"Oh, no!" She straightened up and smiled. "You don't have to apologize for that. With all the times you've supported me, well, it was the least I could do."

"Let's not worry about paying each other back for that kind of stuff." Because she may not feel the same way, but the support she'd given him throughout the winter was more than he thought he could ever pay back. "We support each other. No questions asked."

Her smile widened. "Yes. I like that. Well, goodnight!"

They all waved goodbye and then Yuri and Flynn turned toward Flynn's house.

As they walked, Flynn said, "I can carry that basket for you."

"I got it." Maybe Flynn wanted to speed up, because Yuri was going slower than usual to keep it steady and not risk falling from his lap. More likely, Flynn was desperate to know what was in it and wanted to guess from the weight.

"I don't know how you do it, Yuri."

"Do what?"

"Get around like that all the time. I only spent one morning using the chair and I was fed up with everyone's asses being level with my face."

Yuri chuckled. "You get used to it." He reached over and slapped Flynn's butt, which was at a convenient height for his arm. "And depending on the ass, that could be a perk."

His face slightly reddened, Flynn attempted to continue like nothing had happened. "Yes, well… still. Have I mentioned how proud I am of you?"

"You could stand to say it again."

"Well, I am. I always knew you were someone who could overcome any challenge, but you really proved it this time."

Yuri shrugged. It still didn't seem like something to be proud of to him. After all, millions of people got through the day without offing themselves so he didn't think he deserved accolades like that. He hadn't really done anything worthy of pride, because as far as he saw it, all he'd done was keep living. He was, however, happy. He was happy to be alive, and happy to be here with Flynn, and happy that his life hadn't stopped short in the catacombs. Considering how reckless he tended to be, he'd always assumed he'd end up getting killed one of theses days, so still being alive was a net positive.

They reached Flynn's house, where Flynn had already pulled the ramp out to make it easier for Yuri to get inside. Flynn went in first and then held the door wide open for him. "Welcome home."

Yuri had to stop when he got to the doorway. He noticed the difference immediately. "When did all this happen?" He gestured at the hardwood floors throughout the living room and then continued in so Flynn could close the door.

"Two weeks ago." Flynn tossed Yuri a towel he'd left on the coat rack and then kicked off his shoes. "I'd been planning to refloor the upstairs bedroom for ages, since… well, I never was able to get the blood out from Kat." His eyes turned down and his chipper mood briefly dimmed. "Plus there was the blood down here from when Zagi attacked you. I was too distracted with everything going on with you to worry about it until now, though. But I figured, if I was redoing it anyway, I might as well put in hardwood floors. I know they're a lot easier for you to get around on."

Yuri finished wiping down his wheels. "You didn't have to do that for me."

Flynn shrugged. "I wanted to. On your birthday, I gave you a key to the house and told you to think of it as your second home, and I meant it." His smiled returned as he said, "I wanted my house to be Yuri-accessible." He pointed down the hall, "I also installed a sliding door to the dining room and a seat in the downstairs bathtub, so you can use the shower now without getting trapped. Plus I moved all your favourite supplies to the counter in the kitchen again, since you'll be here until the trial is resolved."

Yuri couldn't help smiling as well, and part of that was because of how goofily happy Flynn's face was as he described his renovations.

"Oh! One more thing!" Flynn dashed down the hall to Yuri's room and then returned a few seconds later pushing an empty wooden wheelchair. "I got this for you, too."

Yuri cocked an eyebrow. "Huh? Well… cool, but, uh, I already have a chair." And honestly that one looked uncomfortable and clunky compared to the sleek one Brave Vesperia had gotten for him.

"I know. But I was thinking, if something goes wrong and that one breaks, it would be good to have a back up, just in case. And until then, we can leave it upstairs so if I carry you up, you can get around on your own up there."

"You really thought of everything."

"I did my best." He strolled back to Yuri. "But I know I must have forgotten some things. I learned a lot about what you go through that morning you let me use your chair, but that was just a few hours. I know I'll never fully comprehend what your life is like, but I will strive to do my best."

Yuri couldn't help feeling awkward whenever Flynn started treating him with the same respect and adoration he gave the Knights. Eager to change the subject, he said, "Hey, want to know what's the in the basket?"

"If you're ready to tell me." The anticipation on his face had to be killing him.

"It's a present for you." Yuri scooted forward. "Go ahead and open it."

Flynn lifted the lid and gazed into the dark basket. Inside was a soft cushion, a small pink blanket, and a black and white kitten fast asleep.

"Yuri… what is this?"

"Well, Flynn, we call these 'cats'."

Flynn gave him a momentary look of disdain. "Where did you get it and why is it here?"

"I know a little girl whose cat had a litter. They couldn't find homes for all the babies and she came to me in tears because she was afraid this one might get put out on the street. I told her I'd find her a new home. I didn't think Repede would be thrilled with a kitten, but I thought… well, I do know someone who could use a friend while I'm out of town."

"I can't take care of a kitten." Flynn reached into the basket. The kitten had woken up from the light and voices and blinked at Flynn. "I have way too many responsibilities at work." With gentle hands, he scooped the cat up and held her against his chest. "There's no way I have time to raise a kitten." He cradled her with one hand and used the other to rub between her ears.

"I can see that."

"I just can't…." The kitten let out a soft mew and Flynn's stubborn expression broke. "I'm terrible at names."

"I thought you weren't keeping her?"

"Well… you said she would be abandoned back home. And you can't take care of a kitten with your job taking you out of town so often. I could probably look after her for a few days until I find someone who can take her full time… and I'll need to call her something in the meantime…."

Yuri nodded knowingly. "Uh-huh."

Flynn looked around the room, seeking inspiration. "How about… um… what's something that's black and white?"

"A flawed world view."

"That's a terrible name for a cat."

"Call her Flawedy for short."

"No. How about… Penguin."

"You can't name a cat 'penguin'."

"I'll call her Gwen for short."

"You're bad at this naming thing, aren't you? Repede should be thankful you didn't name him."

"Shh." Flynn pulled the newly-christened Gwen up to his face. "Don't listen to him. Gwen is a pretty name, isn't it? Oh, yes it is."

Yuri grimaced. "You're disgusting."

"I need to go put some water down for her."

Yuri rolled his eyes at him, but when Flynn turned his back, he had to smile.

* * *

"I should have known this would happen," Yuri said to Repede in the kitchen a few days later. "I come all the way from Dahngrest and see his sorry ass for the first time in a month, and now I'm ignored for a dumb cat."

"I can hear you, you know." Flynn's voice came from the living room, where he was lounging on the couch with Gwen on his chest.

"I wasn't trying to lower my voice," Yuri called back. He left a cleaned plate on a towel on the counter. He and Flynn had worked together to cook dinner, and Yuri offered to wash the dishes if Flynn put them away. This was both because Yuri couldn't reach the shelves, and because Flynn was very particular about where things went and wouldn't like Yuri's organization anyway. Then he actually did lower his voice so only Repede could hear him. "I never liked his old cat, you know, but what Carter did to her was disgusting. I know Flynn was really upset, so maybe this will help him move on."

Repede woofed and Yuri put the last plate on the counter. "There. Done with that. Now, what does Flynn have for dessert around here? I bet he has cookies or something." Yuri made his way to the cupboard, flung open the door, and spotted his prize. Flynn had a box of cookies that would make the perfect dessert, but there was one problem: it was on the highest shelf.

"Flynn!"

"What?!"

"Why are the cookies so damn high?!" He strained his arm, but the top shelf was at least a foot from his fingertips.

"Because if they were on a lower shelf, you'd eat all of them in one sitting."

Yuri lowered his arm and gave the doorway a disgusted look. He put them out of reach on purpose? That bastard. "Well, come get the box then. I promise I'll only have two."

"Sorry, I can't get up."

" _You_  can't get up?" Yuri looked around the room for any sort of long stick that would extend his reach.

"Gwen is asleep on me."

In the corner by the back door was a broom. Perfect. "So move her."

"I can't."

Yuri grabbed the broom. "She weighs less than a pound. I think a big strong knight can handle lifting that much."

"But it might wake her up."

Yuri rolled back to the cupboard and reached for the box of cookies with the handle of the broom. "I don't think she's going to be traumatized for life by being woken up during a nap." He hit the box and whacked. It tipped off the shelf and dropped straight to the floor.

"What was that?"

"The sound of victory." Yuri leaned over as far as he could, snagged the edge of the box with his fingers, and managed to pull it to his lap. He hadn't been planning to eat the whole box, but now he was going to just to spite Flynn. The foil bag inside crinkled as he ripped it open.

"Did you get into the box?!"

Yuri shoved a chocolate-chip cookie into his mouth and spoke through a mouthful of crumbs. "No." He swallowed heavily and then reached into the bag again. "But on a completely unrelated note, do you have any milk?"

"Dammit, Yuri!"

Yuri heard movement from the living room and grinned.

A few seconds later, Flynn appeared in the doorway. "I was saving those."

"For what, National Cookie Day? Buy more when you run out." Yuri popped another in his mouth and chewed it quickly "Mm, these're delicious."

"I know they are. That's why I bought them. For myself."

Yuri shrugged. "Serves you right for thinking a high shelf could thwart me."

"All right, you've had enough. Put them away."

Flynn approached and Yuri grabbed the broom again. "Stay back!"

"Put the cookies away, Yuri."

"Make me."

Flynn tried to get close enough to circle Yuri and grab the cookies from behind, but Yuri used the broom to bat him away.

"Dammit, Yuri!" Flynn massaged his battered knuckles.

Yuri grinned and used one hand to push himself forward. "Out of the kitchen! I claim this territory and all food within it."

"But it's my house!"

"Ah-ah, you said it was mine, too." He swung the broom at Flynn again, but this time Flynn caught it. Yuri attempted to tug it back, but Flynn had the advantage of being grounded while all Yuri accomplished was pulling himself closer to Flynn. "This hardly seems fair."

Flynn looked down at him and thought for a few seconds. "You're right. Stay there."

"Eh?" Flynn left and Yuri sat in the kitchen. He wasn't bored, though, because he had a box of cookies to pass the time.

A minute later, Yuri heard the clatter of wheels on wood and then Flynn emerged in the kitchen sitting in the spare wheelchair, a mop across his lap. He came to a stop and held the mop like a pike. "This is your final warning. Capitulate possession of the baked goods or I'll be forced to take offensive action."

"Oh-ho! Is this a declaration of war from the commandant?" Yuri tucked the cookie box into the bag on his back and then lifted his broom in a similar pose. "Consider your demands resisted."

Flynn smashed the mop on the floor to act as an oar and push himself forward. While rolling, he brought it up and prepared for a strike. Yuri struck back with his broom just in time and knocked Flynn's mop away. Flynn stabbed and hit Yuri's shoulder, pushing him backward. Yuri used the broom to stabilize himself and push back, where he feinted to the right and then surprised Flynn with a broom-blow across the side of his head.

The battle raged. Every time Yuri gained territory, Flynn fought him back and sent him careening toward the far wall. Yuri tried to summon reinforcements, but Repde yawned and left his humans to fight alone. After several minutes of this, they were both covered in blossoming bruises from the countless blows they'd rained on each other.

Eventually, Yuri gained the upper hand. His chair was more manoeuvrable and he had more expertise in doing so. He fought Flynn off to the kitchen doorway and then went in for the kill. His broom hand jammed between the wheels of Flynn's chair and when he twisted, the whole thing clattered to the side.

"All right!" He punched the air as Flynn disentangled himself from the chair. "Looks like I won the whole box."

Flynn got up and rubbed his elbow. "You're still an asshole for stealing my cookies."

Yuri pulled the box out of his bag and shrugged. "At least I'm a well-fed asshole."

"You'd better buy me a replacement box."

"You kidding? To the victor goes the spoils."

Yuri ate a cookie and then put the box back in the bag; it was his now.

Flynn picked up his mop and Yuri's broom and returned them to a cupboard. When he returned, he said, "You're lucky I'm rather fond of you. I'll put the dishes away." He passed Yuri to no doubt examine the dishes and ensure they met his standards of cleanliness. He had just picked up a plate when someone knocked on the door. "Oh, I'll get that."

"Don't worry; I got it." Yuri hurried down the hall before Flynn could leave the kitchen. Yuri swung the door open and was met by Sodia, who had been expecting Flynn and had to do a double-take when there was no one at eye-level.

"Oh. Is Commandant Flynn here?"

"Hey, Flynn, your lapdog is here."

She gave him a dirty look as Yuri rolled back. Flynn came to the doorway and said, "Oh, Sodia. Do you need something?"

"I'm sorry to bother you this evening, sir, but the verdict from Carter's trial came in and I thought you'd want to know."

"Oh, yeah?" Yuri looked to her with anticipation. "Spill."

"He was found guilty on all counts and given an additional ten years of prison, giving him a total of twenty."

"Shame he won't live to see most of them," Yuri said.

"It's still not enough," Flynn said. "For all the people he killed… but at least it's something."

"I just wanted to inform you, sir. I'll leave you alone for now."

"Thank you, Sodia. I'll see you at work tomorrow."

She saluted and then left. Once she was gone, Flynn walked to the couch and sat next to Gwen, who was curled up on a cushion significantly larger than she was. Considering the good news they'd just gotten, he looked pretty sombre.

"What's with that face?"

"It's nothing." He absently stroked Gwen's soft fur.

"Flynn." Yuri moved closer to the couch. "Something is obviously upsetting you."

"It's dumb. I just thought, now that the case is wrapped up, there's no reason for you to stay in Zaphias. I've enjoyed having you here for the past few days."

Yuri had to agree. Although he'd spent almost two months living with Flynn earlier this year, most of that time hadn't been very enjoyable. In the past four days, though, they'd quickly fallen into a comfortable routine. Yuri spent the day hanging out with his friends while Flynn was at work, and then spent their evenings together relishing the fact that for the first time since they'd started a relationship, there was no pressing concern or grief hanging over them.

Flynn looked down at Gwen, who had crawled closer to him to maximize petting. "It's going to be lonely when you're gone."

"Ah, hey, you'll be fine. I got you that furball, didn't I?"

"Wouldn't it be nice if we could just have a relationship like normal people? See each other more than once every few months?"

"If you were normal, I don't think I'd be interested."

Flynn smiled a little. "I guess it's the same for you. You're certainly an exceptional man. Will you be leaving tomorrow?"

"I'll have to talk to Karol about it. Probably."

Flynn nodded. "All right. I understand you have your guild to get back to. I think it's good that we're walking different paths. Ah, well…."

Yuri snickered. "Rolling different paths, you mean."

"Sorry."

Yuri shook his head. "Seriously, don't worry about it." He really meant it, too. The idea of getting bent out of shape over a simple turn of phrase seemed so petty.

Flynn smiled at him "Ok. Walking, then. We'll keep walking our separate paths."

"Yeah." Yuri nodded once. As much as he loved Flynn and enjoyed spending time with him, he didn't  _need_  to. His happiness was not dependant on Flynn's constant support, so there was no reason to change their arrangement. Yuri rolled closer so he could rest his hand on Flynn's thigh and give him a suggestive eyebrow quirk. "Though, I wouldn't be against sleeping upstairs tonight to give you a proper goodbye."

"Hm…" Flynn looked down at the kitten. "I don't know, Gwen's been sleeping on my bed and I would feel awkward doing anything indecent with her in the room. She's still a baby."

"Flynn!" Yuri pulled his hand away. "Forget about the cat for one damn night!"

Flynn laughed and then got to his feet. "I need to carry your spare chair upstairs. I'll put a pillow in the basket you brought her in and put her in the spare bedroom. Be right back."

After he left, Yuri leaned forward to bring his face closer to the cat. She stared at him with her dark, glossy eyes. "You're a home-wrecker, you know that?"

Gwen tilted her head and let out a tiny, " _Mew_."

"You know what your mom did to my face?" Yuri narrowed his eyes at her and then rubbed her head, pushing her ears down and nearly covering her entire body with his hand. He'd never been good at cats; he was too used to dogs. He always managed to piss cats off by petting them too aggressively. "You're lucky you're cute."

Flynn returned to the foot of the stairs. "Ok, come over here and I'll piggy-back you up."

"We need to figure out a better way to do this," Yuri said as he rolled across the living room. "Some kind of machine that moves up and down automatically."

"That would be useful. Maybe if we still had blastia… hm, you should ask Rita about it. She might be able to whip something up."

Yuri parked at the base of the stairs and grabbed Flynn's neck. It was always a little disconcerting when someone carried him, since he couldn't feel the hands supporting him so it felt like he was floating. He had complete faith in Flynn not to drop him, though, so he just hugged him tight and took advantage of his newfound height to kiss Flynn's neck.

"Wait 'til we reach my room, at least."

Yuri kissed him again. "I'm a rebel."

Flynn set Yuri down in the spare chair at the top of the stairs. Yuri led the way, and Flynn followed him to the master bedroom. Soon, they would have to part again, but at least they could have tonight.

* * *

Flynn let out a deep breath and then wiped sweat from his brow. "How's that?"

The new bronze plaque gleamed in the summer sun. It was glossy enough that Yuri could see his reflection. "It's good."

Flynn stepped back and then tucked the screwdriver in Yuri's bag. The commandant shouldn't have done this himself, but he had insisted. "There will be a proper dedication this evening for the families. I wanted to make sure it was set up and looked perfect in advance though."

"Of course you did." Yuri patted Flynn's ass, which always made Flynn blush and glance around the street to see if anyone had been watching. Patting Flynn on the shoulder wasn't an option anymore, but Yuri felt this was an acceptable alternative. "But I wouldn't have you any other way."

They were outside the entrance to the catacombs in the royal quarter. Down there, in the darkness beneath the city, seven people had lost their lives due to Carter. Yuri had almost been the eighth. He now stared into his reflection in the plaque and wondered if Flynn would have put his name on it had he gone through with killing himself months after the initial killing spree. Knowing Flynn, he would have, and Yuri couldn't entirely fault him for it. Carter may not have been the one holding the knife, but he as good as put it in Yuri's hand through his actions.

It was weird to think his name had almost been on that plaque. He had never been more grateful to feel the sun sear his scalp. Spending the rest of his life sitting down wasn't ideal, but it was a hell of a lot better than lying down in the catacombs with the rest of Carter's victims.

At least now Carter lay with them. Flynn had written to Yuri a week ago to inform him that Carter had passed away in prison. Part of Yuri was upset, because it felt like Carter had found a way to cheat the system and run away from the twenty years he was supposed to spend atoning for his crimes. On the other hand, with Carter dead, he felt like he could finally put this completely behind him. There was no question of escape, no wondering what he was up to in prison, no worrying that he had found a way to enjoy himself or once again exchange letters with disturbed individuals outside and encourage them to foster their inner monsters. Carter was dead, and he had died a slow, wasting death gasping for air. Yuri only hoped it had been miserable enough that he'd suffered as much as his victims had.

Flynn sighed and stepped behind Yuri, where he leaned forward on Yuri's shoulders. "It doesn't seem like enough. So many lives were ruined, and all we can give them is a commemorative plaque."

"There's nothing we can do to bring back everything he took away. The best we can do is remember them. I especially like that there's no mention of his name on here."

"Yeah… there was a bit of debate about that, actually. One of the guys designing it suggested naming the killer, but I was against that. Fifty years from now, when people read this plaque, I want them to know the names of the people who died - to think about them, and keep their spirits alive that way. If Timothy Carter was listed…."

"All anyone would take away from it was the name of the killer. I like it this way; he would hate never being remembered."

"Yeah…."

They spent another long minute staring at the names and their reflections. Flynn wrapped his arms around Yuri's neck rested his chin on Yuri's head. How glad he looked that Yuri was still in his arms and not just a name to be remembered.

In the reflection, Flynn's face wrinkled with a tiny frown. "So, you're sure it's good?"

Yuri rolled his eyes. "Yes, Flynn, it's good."

"It's really important to me that you like it. Carter affected you so much more than me."

"Flynn, trust me, if I didn't like something you did, I'd let you know."

"Heh, true enough." Flynn kissed the top of Yuri's head. "Let's go home."

Side by side, they made their way back to Flynn's house. Yuri had to squint against the bright sunlight. Summer had hit Zaphias like a sack of bricks, assuming those bricks were also on fire. Yuri was thinking about getting light, fingerless gloves to protect his palms, because his rims were getting pretty hot. But, it was better than winter and all that white bullshit clogging his wheels.

"I forgot to mention," Flynn said, "I'm sorry for summoning your whole guild here. I know you have work in Dahngrest."

"Don't worry about it." Flynn's letter had specifically requested Yuri come visit, but since he couldn't exactly ride Ba'ul here by himself, Judy, Karol, and Repede had come along with the Fiertia. "They all wanted a break from Dahngrest anyway."

"Isn't it hotter here?"

"Yeah, but it's a dry heat."

"If you say so."

"And anyway, don't apologize. I would have been pretty upset with you if you hadn't let me know that asshole had finally kicked the bucket."

At home, Yuri reached the front door first and led the way in. He dusted off his wheels and then started moving toward the couch, but jerked to a halt at the last second. "Damn cat! Watch out!"

" _Mew_?" Gwen looked up at him from where he'd almost run her over.

"Yuri, be more careful." Flynn closed the door behind him and scooped her into his arms. "Mean Yuri," he whispered to her. "Gonna break your little tail."

Yuri considered it a victory that Flynn hadn't pronounced it 'wittle'.

"Ok, we're leaving tomorrow. Do you want to spend the afternoon cuddling your cat, or can you maybe remember your significant other with two legs?"

Flynn let Gwen back to the floor. "It's petty to be jealous of a cat, Yuri."

"Who said anything about jealous? I just think it's embarrassing to be around you whenever you talk to her."

"Fine, I'll give you some affection, too, you big baby. Race you to the couch."

Yuri reached it first, but Flynn threw himself across the cushions before Yuri could finish transferring across. But, he didn't really mind. Yuri was happy to crawl onto Flynn's chest and relax his head. Flynn's body was still heated from spending time outside in the summer sun and Yuri closed his eyes as Flynn ran his fingers through his hair.

"Your leg is falling off the couch," Flynn murmured.

Yuri didn't open his eyes. "Does it look like it's gonna fall and drag me down soon?"

"No."

"Then whatever." He was far too comfortable to sit up and adjust them. He took deep breaths and relished the simple joy that was being alive, and especially doing so with Flynn. Everything was so… nice….

He woke up when Repede barked. "Hrm…?"

Repede barked again and stuck his nose in Yuri's face.

"Ah…" Flynn mumbled, clearly awaking from a nap as well. "Yuri - the door."

A banging came to the door again. "This better be important," Yuri grumbled as Flynn crawled out from under him and walked to the door.

When Flynn opened the door, Karol ran in. "Hi, guys! Sorry, were you busy?"

Yuri propped himself up on an elbow. "Nah, just catching a little shut eye. What's up, boss?"

"Yuri, I'm really sorry, but we just got a job offer. Some guy didn't pay back a debt and ran off to Capua Torim to escape the collectors in Zaphias. If we don't leave right away, I'm afraid they'll give the job to someone else and this could be a really profitable contract!"

"We got a job?" All traces of sleep wiped away. "Sure thing. Sorry, Flynn, looks like I have to head out early."

"I understand. Your guild should come first."

Yuri hopped from couch to chair. He made a quick trip to his room and shoved his belongings in his bag. He last thing he grabbed was the crossbow on his dresser. He smiled when he picked it up, then quickly folded it and shoved it in his bag.

Back in the living room, Karol asked, "Ready to go?"

"Ready as I'll ever be. Come on, let's hurry before this guy switches towns again."

Flynn squeezed his shoulder. "Have a good mission. Be safe."

Yuri laughed. "I'm always safe."

Karol and Flynn both gave him looks.

"What? I'm perfectly safe."

"Just don't break your neck," Flynn said, shaking his head with a smile.

"At this point, that would be cliche." Yuri grabbed the front of Flynn's shirt and yanked him down so he could plant a kiss on his lips, which lasted just long enough to make Karol uncomfortable. "See you around, Commandant."

This job would be easier if he could walk. Most things in the world would be, but wishing and regretting would do nothing to change reality. This wasn't the life Yuri would have chosen, but it was the one he had and it was time to get on with it. He had a job to do and a life to live.


	36. Bonus: One Year Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed this story! I wrote this story about 5 years ago, but it's still one of my favourites. It's also made bad representations of spinal cord injuries one of my biggest pet peeves in fiction, haha. This next chapter is brand new, and was originally written to be a one-shot sequel during one of the previous Fluri Weeks. I finally finished it and decided to add it to the end here as a bonus chapter for the re-upload. Enjoy!

It had been a weird day.  Despite the fact that Yuri had been thinking about it coming ever since the weather changed and the chill of approaching winter crept into the air, and despite the fact that the thought of it coming up had been leaping to his mind many times a day for the past week, he was still somehow surprised when he woke up, stared at the ceiling, and remembered what day it was.

The rest of his guild remembered too, of course.  Neither Judy nor Karol had mentioned it, but they were not mentioning it very loudly.  It wasn’t the reason for their trip to Zaphias, because Karol needed to meet with some potential clients, but Yuri wondered if Karol had had it in mind when he set the schedule, at least subconsciously.   He  _ did _ want to see Flynn today, though he’d never voice that concern and ask his guildmates to adapt their schedules to suit his desires.  

But perhaps the weirdest part of the day was how not-weird it was.  Yuri cooked scrambled eggs for breakfast. He made a trip to the post office to pick up a package for Karol.  He let Judy pile his lap full of boxes in a teetering pile and then held them there as she used him like a cart to push them onto the _ Fiertia. _  All day, Yuri kept expecting…  _ something _ to happen, someone to say something, some stars to align and create a spectacle to announce to the world that this was not just an ordinary day.  

Judy, Karol, and Repede stayed at the Comet after they arrived in Zaphias, leaving Yuri to make his way up to Flynn’s house on his own.  It was already dark, but considering how late in autumn it was, it wasn’t that late. There was already a dusting of snow on the ground, and Yuri dreaded the heavy piles of the stuff Dahngrest was sure to get later this winter.  Snow was a pain in the ass.

Not that anything was a pain in the ass these days, he thought with little amusement as he pulled up outside Flynn’s house.  There had been a time - that at once felt like an age ago and also as if the days since then had rushed by in a blur - when thinking about his lack of feeling below his chest would have sent him into a spiral of despair.  Now, well, if you couldn’t laugh at yourself, what  _ could _ you laugh at?

Flynn hadn’t set his ramp out yet.  Yuri was slightly hurt, because Flynn knew he was coming, but forgave him because he was undoubtedly busy.  Yuri leaned forward to unlock the door with the key Flynn had given him for his birthday last year and then pushed the door open.  

“Yo!” he called before the grabbing his rims, hiking himself backward to balance on the back wheels, and then throwing himself forward so the front ones landed on top of the step up to Flynn’s house.  From there, a strong tug forward got the back wheels up as well and he rolled into the front entry as Flynn came down the stairs. 

“Good evening.”  Flynn was beaming as he approached.  “How was your trip?”

At least Flynn had remembered to leave a towel on the coat rack by the door, which Yuri used to wipe down the wheels before he ruined Flynn’s floor.  “Well enough. Ba’ul turned too quickly at one point, making the whole ship sway to the side and I rolled across the deck, but other than that, it was uneventful.”

The rest of Flynn’s greeting was nonverbal, and he delivered it as soon as he was close enough to lean down and wrap his arms around Yuri’s shoulders and press their faces together.

“Are you staying here or at the Comet?” Flynn asked after they separated.  

“Here, if you don’t mind.”  He rarely stayed with his friends at the Comet these days, since he hated asking Judith to carry him up the stairs to the rooms.  He knew she’d never begrudge him for it, but somehow that made it worse. 

“Of course not.  Your room is just the way you left it.”

Yuri rolled across the hardwood floors of Flynn’s living room, relishing how easy it was to move compared to the bumpy streets he’d dealt with all the way up here.  Then he considered that Flynn had removed all the carpet from the first floor of his house specifically to make life easier for Yuri, and his heart gave a little flutter.  

In his bedroom that had once been a dining room, Yuri tossed his bag on a chair.  He took out his crossbow and set it carefully on the dresser, and then returned to the living room to find Flynn sitting on the couch with his cat.  

“Tell the cat to move.”

Flynn stroked her fur.  “That’s not very nice. She was here first.”

“I didn’t come all the way from Dahngrest to sit across the room and watch you hug a cat.”

Flynn snickered and then carefully scooped Gwen up. She mewed in discontentment as he lowered her to the floor.  “He’s so mean to you.”

Yuri rolled up to the couch and swung himself across the gap.  Then he snuggled up to Flynn’s side and took Gwen’s place, resting his head in Flynn’s lap.  

“So… how are you?” Flynn asked as he began a soft stroke of Yuri’s hair.

“I’m doing good.”  Yuri reached for his pant leg and tugged his thigh away from the edge of the couch.

“I don’t mean in general.  I mean… today. It’s been on my mind all day, so I can’t imagine what’s it been like for you.”

Yuri stiffened.  This was the first time anyone had directly said it aloud, and it suddenly felt so much more real.  “I’m… all right.”

“Really?”

Yuri breathed out heavily.  “I don’t know, Flynn. What am I supposed to think? So it’s been one year, exactly.  Part of me feels like I should acknowledge it somehow… but I don’t know.”

“I imagine you’ve been thinking about it a lot today.  I know I have. I thought I’d put to rest thoughts of maybe I could have done something different, and yet….”

“Heh.  Yeah, same here.”  He couldn’t help it.  He’d been glancing at the clock all day and thinking about precisely where he’d been at this time one year ago.  He was glad he didn’t know the actual time of Flynn’s confrontation with Carter, other than it being late at night, because he was sure he would have obsessed over watching the clock tick towards the moment he’d been stabbed and his life veered off in a different direction.  “Really, I think I’m ok. It just feels… weird… to think that it’s been a whole year. One year, and I’m still chugging along. A year ago, I wouldn’t have thought it possible.” Yuri folded his arms under his head.

“But you know, maybe it should be a happy day,” Flynn said.

“I don’t follow.”

“Your heart stopped that night.  I’m sure I’ve told you. Estellise had to cast Resurrection on you several times to bring you back to us.  So in a way, it’s like your birthday. Terrible things happened that night, but you also came to life.”

“Huh.  Well, isn’t that poetic.”  That was a weird way to think about it, but he kind of liked it.  He’d decided a long time ago that he needed to put his old life behind him and embrace who he was now.  He might feel less weird about today if he stopped thinking of it as the night he’d almost died and instead as the night he’d been reborn.  

 “And speaking of lighter occasions… I had a favour to ask of you.”

The long pause was ominous.  The longer Flynn waited before asking the favour, the less likely it was to be something Yuri didn’t mind doing.  Bracing himself, Yuri asked, “What?”

“Would you….”  Flynn stopped fiddling with Yuri’s hair and moved his hand to rest on Yuri’s arm.  “Would you be my date at the ball being hosted at the castle tomorrow night?”

Yuri had been right; this was an onerous request.   “Really? You  _ have _ to go to that?  You  _ need _ a date?”

“I am required to attend, and I don’t  _ need _ a date, but I want one.  Every time I go to these things, I see everyone else dancing with their partners and… I feel lonely.  Besides, you’re only in town for a few days. I don’t want to spend one whole evening alone at a ball when I could have you there with me.”

Yuri hated that Flynn made a sympathetic point.  The idea of getting dressed up to go to a ritzy party at the castle sounded horrid, but sometimes you had to grit your teeth and do painful things for the people you loved.   “Well… alright. I’ll go to the damn party. I just don’t think my presence is going to help with wishing you could be dancing with a partner.”

“Why not?  I’ll be with you, won’t I?”

Yuri raised his eyebrows.  “I know my wheelchair is a whole two feet away so it’s understandable that you simple forgot, but I can’t exactly dance.  You might recall something about a spinal cord injury only exactly one year ago today?”

Flynn his eyes.  “Ha-ha. I meant, you could dance with me from your chair.”

“I could, could I?”

“Why not?  You do everything else with it.  We could at least try.”

Yuri sat up and slid back into his chair.  “If you insist. Let’s see how this goes”

Yuri backed into the middle of the room where they had open space and Flynn stood before him.  Yuri hadn’t known how to do any couple dances even before his injury, so he wasn’t sure where to begin.  Flynn started by taking his hands. 

Flynn stepped forward, and Yuri rolled back.  They rocked forward and back few times, until Yuri got an idea.  He grabbed Flynn’s hand, held it above his head, and used his other hand to crank one wheel until he spun in a circle.  Flynn laughed and dragged his arm, bringing Yuri whipping around.

After that, their dancing got a lot more adventurous.  Was it dancing, or was it swinging Yuri around as quickly as they dared for the thrill of it?  After another whirl, Yuri almost fell out of his seat and had to buckle his seatbelt to make sure he stayed attached to his wheels.  Flynn spun under Yuri’s arm, though it required a lot of hunching over and Yuri couldn’t keep a straight face at the sight. The living room filled with the sound of their laughter and the wheels rolling over hardwood.  Gwen watched the display from the couch with a bored expression, as if in disbelief that Flynn had abandoned her for this nonsense. 

They didn’t stop until Flynn grabbed both of Yuri’s hands, stepped to his left, then to his right, and then pulled him in close.   One knee came up to rest on the seat between Yuri’s thighs and he leaned forward, one arm wrapping around the back of Yuri’s neck. 

Yuri welcomed the kiss, and dropped Flynn’s other hand so he could wrap both of his around Flynn’s waist.  He had missed Flynn while he was in Dahngrest, but that wasn’t the only reason he clung to Flynn with such passion.  A year ago, he’d wanted to kill himself to avoid putting up with life. The little voice in his head that had urged him to end it had come so close to succeeding, so Yuri kissed Flynn now just to spite that voice that hadn’t wanted him to still be here.  

He’d had so many good kisses in the past year, and he had so many to look forward to in the coming years.  Who cared if he had them sitting down? Last winter had been the worst time of his life, but he was so glad to be alive now to see the start of another one.  

Flynn pulled his face away and caressed Yuri’s cheek.  “Happy rebirthday, Yuri.” 

Yuri smiled, and then Flynn leaned too far forward.  His weight caused the chair to roll backward while his foot was still planted on the ground, and Yuri watched Flynn’s confused-turned-panicked face in slow motion as he face planted on the floor.  

“You ok?”

Flynn rolled onto his side.  “I’ll live.”

“Consider that your payback for making me go to your stupid party.”

Flynn rubbed his elbow and returned to his feet.  “Ah, well, if that’s what it takes.” He squeezed Yuri’s shoulder.  “I’m just happy you’ll be with me.”

Yuri rested his hand on top of the one on his shoulder.  “Yeah. Me, too.”


End file.
